Smells Like Teen Spirit
DISCLAIMER: This story is for entertainment purposes only. It depicts acts of a homosexual nature and includes frank descriptions of raunchy sexual behavior. Any similarity to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. If you are under age or offended by this type of behavior, please do not read any further.
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Strongly inspired by piggiesleaze's "A Week at Grassmore."
(raunch, high school, military, athletics, light ws and scat)
East Bushwick High "Smells Like Teen Spirit" After Recent Changes
A administrative shakeup at East Bushwick High has led to some unexpectedly...potent changes to the school's ambience. Ever since the arrival of principal Alan Elton and the new football coach, Dennis Smith, East Bushwick has attracted a lot of attention for its new focus on maturity, athletic accomplishment, and sexual education. Once considered a boring, cringe-inducing rite of passage, students have been raving about the new changes to the sexual education curriculum introduced by Coach Dennis.
When we interviewed the Coach, he was hesitant to share all of the details, "Athletic excellence and properly developing young men, teaching them about their bodies, goes hand in hand. Our athletic record proves that. I'm not going to give our rivals any advantage in this area."
The Coach further put a stop to certain questions about the new program, "All I can tell you is that it is VERY hands-on. Our guys are overcoming embarrassment, guilt and shame, and learning about masculinity in a safe, supportive environment without the interference of nagging moms, intrusive girlfriends, and puritanical community activists. We have a serious mental health crisis among our young men that our school is addressing, and resolving. We will make NO apologies for this."
One thing that the coach could not hide was that immediately on entering the school our reporter was overwhelmed by what his nostrils picked up, "It's a very...distinctly male smell. I don't want to elaborate."
When our interviewer pressed the Coach on this, he smiled, "This I can talk about. The modern man has put aside sissy deodorants and flowery perfumes to embrace true masculinity. We've established a new partnership that has proven beneficial to everyone involved. When a boy reaches puberty, he is allowed to wear only the following approved colognes, if you can call them that. We've toyed around with the idea of calling them, "Inspirational Reodorants," but that doesn't have the same ring to it."
"We individually meet with each student to talk about their development, their personality, their interests and their potential careers. We then match them with a perfect 'cologne' for lack of a better word, and teach them how to apply it."
The Coach then handed us a glossy, printed brochure of approved fragrances, complete with descriptions and surprisingly explicit promotional artwork. While our publication trusts in the maturity of its readers, those with delicate sensitivities may want to stop reading now.
What we saw on the list was...shocking to say the least. Old Spice and Speed Stick were noticeably absent. The twenty-one scents read as follows:
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Sweaty Leather: Dress loafer at the end of a long, hot day, intertwines the scent of Italian leather with the aroma of used socks and tired, unaired, sore feet.
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Jockstrap: Elastic, caged musk, hard-earned sweat, and piss dribbles, combine together to create a manly day at the gym.
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Workout Shirt: With undertones of salt and armpit musk, this fragrence is distinguished by top notes of cumin, onion, and vinegar.
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Gym Bag: A "wet, musty, sweat-stained, gym-bag scent." This cologne was created to evoke post-gym ripeness, humid lockerrooms, and steamy gym showers in a small, closed space.
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Tie-Dye: All sunshine and tanned skin, this was invented for earthy, natural men. It contains a blend of sebaceous skin oils, freshly turned dirt, weed, and dank, skunky underarms. Can come with or without patchouli
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Ballcap: A white baseball cap grown yellow and mottled with age. Notes of sweaty scalp, oily hair, catcher's mitt, wooden baseball bat, and wintergreen chewing tobacco.
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Compression Shorts: Opens with wet-dog overtones, which shifts rapidly to middle note of semen. Basenotes include jock itch powder, crotch perspiration, ballstink, hints of skid marks.
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Earl: With overtones of sulfur and methane, this cologne was created to recall the smell of an overworked plumber's backside after a double-shift.
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Field Exercise: Dip spit, armpit stains with salt outlines, MRE farts, baby wipes, gun oil, with a hint of unexpected rainshower.
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Parris Island: Terror-induced sweat, constipation, hand-sanitizer, regret, and damp combat boots mix together in this unforgettable swampy, salty fragrance.
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Bate Zone: Goon spit, astroglide, poppers, stiff bedsheets, and yellowed pillowcases with a trace of fetid cum-rags.
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Pledge Night: Sperries without socks, stale bong water, spilled beer, shameless farts, public urination, and vomit, this fragrance will transport you back to the worst night of your life in college.
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Scally Lad: Built-up knob cheese, unwashed polyester track suit in a stuffy room with hints of vindaloo.
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Ranger Breakfast: Lose five pounds in this aromatic ambience of gluttony and relief, the post-wilderness combined release of backed-up MRE turds with your fellow grunts after your first real meal in a week.
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Eager Beaver: Another combination of scents, yet something completely new and unexpected. With a skunk-like blast of fermented ass sweat, this cologne sends the message that you are truly ready to strip down and get to action.
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Phimosis: It stinks in the morning, it stinks in the afternoon, it stinks in the evening. It stinks all the time! Wearing this cologne is sure to seal the deal when you are looking to score.
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Piss Trough: With a high degree of reekiness, this cologne is sure to rock the party . With an abrasive and pungent scent, this cologne is sure to intoxicate even the most skeptical of groupies.
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Jizz Slime: An inclusive scent created for darker skins, Jizz Slime is what happens when the brothers get together for some skin to skin contact in a hot room.
After recovering from this information, we were then given permission to interview the students about this specific development after signing an agreement to not discuss other aspects of life at East Bushwick.
Apparently, the most popular cologne from this list has consistently been "Workout Shirt." Brent Fincher, a freshman student at East Bushwick High told us "I get compliments on my Workout Shirt all the time. People say I smell like a real jock, rather than a scrawny freshman. I think it's pretty amazing." The closer you get to Brent, the more you can pick up on his feral smell like he just stepped off a gym floor. Adorable in a goofy way, the tall, gangly, blond-haired kid, in his beat-up old Converse and fraying Nike shorts, has become a real hit.
A girl we met in the VIP lounge at teen hangout The Thunder Pit told us that she previously had a crush on Brent. He was the class clown and "was the class cutie. All the girls used to love him." However, she said that once he had his puberty class, Brent no longer seemed to care much for girls. Instead, he chose to focus on working out, going for runs, and shooting guns out in the woods.
Caleb, the basketball captain, couldn't be happier with the change,
"Brent is one of the best smelling guys I've ever met...once he finally grew up, I realized what a cool bro Brent is. Now everyone wants him to come over after school and have some real fun. I guess you could call him the unofficial mascot for the team," According to the basketball captain, Brent wears his peculiar scent like a weapon. A weapon that is increasingly sharp and noticeable every time he lifts his arms. Brent feels that he didn't choose his cologne. It chose him.
Brent himself seems to be enjoying his new-found popularity. "It's been fun, I've barely spent any time in my own bed. Every night one of my buds is begging me to sleep over with them. We throw back some beers, grab a pizza or grill a burger, do some multiplayer, um...relax...and then fall asleep.' he said.
Brent is "an awesome cuddle buddy," according to his new friend Dennis from the wrestling team. "Before we nod off, we usually help one another out, if you know what I mean. We enjoy comparing techniques, checking out different kinds of...movies."
Other students love "Ballcap", which is one of the must-have scents for teenage boys. Commonly worn by jocks in hopes of impressing the same sex, Ballcap is for pitchers and catchers. The opposite sex was less enthusiastic, "Who the hell thought you would want to smell like a corn chip packet?" one sixteen-year-old girl whined to The Village Voice.
We sent a follow-up email to Coach Dennis, who disagreed, "I'm glad we don't have to deal with sissy perfumes in the locker room anymore. I enjoy knowing that my guys have worked hard, played hard, and are ready to celebrate. Hella better than that Axe shit."
Word on the street is that dating has substantially dropped off at East Bushwick, with the guys preferring the company of other men. "I dunno, I mean girls are just whiny and prissy, and why should we have to listen to them? Let's go out and get drunk, snort poppers, take each other home, then jerk each other off like real men," one student told us.
Warren, one of the high school's track stars says "I used to think about going out with girls all the time. But now, I just wanna hang with the bros, lay back , listen to some Skrillex, and let my feet air out. No one is going to bitch at me for pulling off my Adidas Cortes thins, its a signal to us guys that its time to loosen up and relax. After your feet have been trapped in those things all day, you really gotta let them free and kick it."
It was also revealed that the football team had taken to adopting many of the colognes.
A football player named Nick told us, "I have to admit, I really loved the Field Exercise. I'm also ROTC and thinking of enlisting. It is a great way to prep for a future career and get me in the warfighter mood. It's the most hardcore cologne of all, getting you ready for "battles" with an enemy, and exuding your courage in a real noticeable way."
When asked about 'Parris Island', Nick was less enthusiastic. "Damn, I'm going to have to build up for that one. I know one day that's gonna be me, but it is an extremely strong scent, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. Makes me think more about hardship and discipline so not the most chest-thumping, cock-throbbing scent to wear when you are in the stadium or at a party. Might wear it when I'm following the pre-recruit training program, so I can embrace the full stink on my first night of boot camp.'
We asked Tim, on the basketball teams if he has found an excellent work out cologne, not a floral or fruity scent but rather a raunchy scent that represents him and is totally all him. For Tim, it has to be Jockstrap.
"It's about me, my balls, my inner excitement. It's the most arousing scent I have ever experienced. I love getting a whiff of my balls and crotch throughout the day, even when I'm sitting in class. And Jockstrap keeps everything in place as i move throughout the day."
We spoke on the phone with East Bushwick's High's Principal, Alan Elton, who said, "I personally feel that the scent of East Bushwick has majorly improved the school spirit. It is a lot more intimidating than that of our neighbor, Middlesex County Vocational. These kids are really getting pumped to play football and win, and being taught to embrace their complete masculine identity is simply outstanding."
As a part-time member of the National Guard, Elton is all about "Ranger Breakfast." "When you are out in the field, chomping down MREs, you just don't shit. So it just builds and builds. When the exercise is over, the Ranger Breakfast smells so god damn good, and tastes great I just toss down coffee, bagels, eggs, sausage, and pancakes till I want to burst. While there's nothing better than your first hot breakfast in five days, your stomach starts to groan shortly after your last cup of coffee. So all those backed up MRE-Turds and now combining with your greasy breakfast and they want out- now. It's the most hilarious thing, 30-40 guys walking straight from chow hall to the latrine all with one thing in mind. To shit. It's a full fucking house, and remember, we don't have doors or walls on our shitters. It's a real bonding experience to be knee to knee with staff sarge as he completely destroys the toilet next to you. Or to be starting into the eyes of your lieutenant while you are either on the verge of pushing out. That's Ranger Breakfast, you can't even fake it anymore. That shit's gotta be real. The looks on people's faces are hilarious. The strains, the groans, the plops and the sighs of relief. It's just hysterical to be honest. The smell is temporary but the memories are forever. Knowing you were there as a part of this epic, almighty American heritage makes you super manly."
There are some preferences unique to ethnic and racial groups. Students from Hispanic backgrounds are drawn to Phimosis or Scally Lad. One student, Manuel, while drinking a smoothie said, "This is it. Phimosis. This is the shit. It's calling my name. You don't even need to ask me twice, because it reminds me of home when you've got all my male cousins and uncles in the room. The scent of Phimosis fills the room like a fog. I inhale. My skin tingles, my stomach clenches, and it's the hottest shit I've ever felt. The tingling starts in my groin and slowly moves up my shaft, all the way to my stomach. I can feel the tingling get intense. I can feel the weight of my testicles on the outside of my leg and I can't help it. I just have to let it go. And I swear to you, I can smell Phimosis. It's like it envelopes my entire body. A wave of emotions rush through me. I relax. I feel the flow of Phimosis and I ejaculate. I stare down at the toilet bowl, still turned on by my own climax, wondering when the feeling of climaxing will leave me completely. But this isn't over yet. Now I have to clean up the mess. I wipe my face and pat down my hair. The scent of Phimosis lingers like an old friend.
We asked Brent if he'd be willing to give Phimosis or Scally Lad a try. The eager lad was actually quite vocal in his admiration for the fragrance. "It's phimosis so it's really crazy and Scally Lad is from across the pond, so it's just all about taste. I've always wanted to know what it would be like to have my foreskin back. Would I be more of a guy? Would I be a beast? I really need to try it. I think it would be amazing. It makes you feel like a primal masculine man again. A caveman. A caveman from a cave. Where cavemen think about three things. Sex, eating, and sleeping. Scally Lad has got it all, man. I can't wait to get my hands on some. I swear, if the scent of Phimosis and Scally Lad are combined, that shit is crazy."
Students with darker skin tend to enjoy the distinctive smell of 'Jizz Slime'. Demetrius, the football running back said, "If you smell it right, you know you're about to watch two naked, sweaty, black guys touch each other. It is like a vision of what men do when they are "close" with each other. It's not something you'll forget. It's a real mental gift to be able to smell it. I told my brother that they were going to get naked and Jizz Slime was going to get sprayed on him. My bro looked at me like I was crazy. When I explained to him that there is an entire smell that black people have, he finally opened his eyes and I told him what it was. I had to try three or four times to get him to believe me. He had the same look on his face as this one guy. You know the look, bro. The look that says, "I'll believe it when I see it." After I explained to him that I know when to expect it and when he would see it, he finally bought in. One day later, both my bro and I are enjoying Jizz Slime, the same way black people do. For some reason, this isn't as much a distraction as it is a natural reaction for us. It becomes part of the experience. . How fucking cool is that?"
Pretty cool it would seem. Under the new administration, East Bushwick has seen a dramatic increase in college admissions, athletic accomplishments, and job placements. Discipline issues, once the bane of every teacher, have become a thing of the past. And mental health challenges among young men, while still existent, are becoming less of an issue.
As for the women? Rumor has it that East Bushwick has established a committee for ending co-ed enrollment and becoming a magnet school for interested young men throughout the county.