Sleepy Days

Sleepy Days, Come No More

Chapter 44

I felt pretty shitty after Blake left, so I decided to go to bed early. It took longer than usual for me to get to sleep and once there I had no peace. I tossed and turned until finally I abandoned all hope of finding slumber.

I lay on my back and looked up at the ceiling replaying the conversation that I had had with Blake. Thinking about what he said and how angry he had become. I started to doubt myself. I started to think that I was wrong, that I had been unfair, maybe even selfish.

After a while my body was so full of tension that I had begun to shake. I climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom. I splashed my face with cold water and looked in the mirror. I went to the living room and watched television in attempts to settle my mind.

My efforts failed to calm my mind, so I tried tea with milk and even exercising, but still I remained tense. Finally I decided to go and see Blake. I decided to apologize and at least try harder to come to a mutual understanding with. I just hated the thought of him being upset with me or him feeling bad because of what I said.

I didn't even bother changing out of my pajamas. I simply put on my slippers and grabbed my phone and keys and headed out the door. I arrived at Blake's place just before midnight. I knocked on the door but there was no answer. I called him on the phone but the result was the same.

I decided to wait for him to come home. I sat on the stairs and rested my body against the railing. At some point I had fallen asleep because the next thing I remember was a loud commotion of slurred words and heavy feet.

I opened my eyes to find Blake and Jonathan. Blake was clearly intoxicated and Jonathan was helping him up the stairs. I stood and stepped aside to make it easier for them to pass. Once Blake realized I was there he acknowledged me.

"Hey Steve." He slurred.

"Hey." I replied.

"Could you open the door?" Jonathan asked passing me a set of keys.

I took the keys and unlocked and opened the door. I stepped aside and let them enter first. As Blake passed me I noticed that he was bleeding. I followed them into the apartment and closed the door.

"What happened to your hands?" I inquired.

"I had a disagreement with a couple of guys at a bar." Blake said with a chuckle.

"You should get those cleaned. Come into the bathroom so I can clean them up." I instructed.

"I'm fine." Blake contended.

"Maybe you should let him look at them, you might need stitches." Jonathan said.

"I don't need stitches." Blake countered with a smile.

"Well, at least he can stop the bleeding." Jonathan replied.

"Fine." Blake said with a slur.

He managed to stagger to the bathroom. I followed closely behind him. I cleaned each of his hands with soap and warm water. Then I poured peroxide over the wounds. His knuckles were scrapped and cut but none of the wounds were deep. He also had a couple of gashes on his forearm. I cleaned those too.

After I finished cleaning him up we went back into the living room. Blake sat on the sofa and I went to the kitchen and filled a large bowl with ice. I gave the bowl to Blake and told him to place his hands in it to help with the swelling. He was reluctant at first but agreed once Jonathan intervened.

"I will be back in about ten minutes. I'm going home to get some bandages and antibiotic cream." I informed.

I went back to my apartment and gathered the things I needed. On my way out I bumped into Michael.

"What are you doing going out at this hour?" Michael asked with a smile.

"I should be asking you where you have been all night." I said.

"I am young and having lots of fun." Michael replied.

"Well, I am glad that one of us is." I said.

"What's up with the bandages?" Michael inquired.

"Blake had a fight or something." I informed.

"What! Is he okay?" Michael asked with concern.

"He will be fine, nothing serious." I assured.

"What happened?" Michael asked.

"I don't know. I didn't ask." I replied.

"Well, let him know that I am thinking about him." Michael said.

"Sure. I will be back later. It shouldn't be that long." I said.

"Alright." Michael said.

I went back over to Blake's. As I entered Jonathan stood.

"I'll talk to you later Blake, get some rest." Jonathan said.

"You too." Blake slurred.

Jonathan walked toward on his way out of the door. He gave me a subdued head nod and exited the apartment. I followed behind him.

"Jonathan." I called out.

"Yeah." Jonathan responded.

"What happened tonight?" I asked.

"I wasn't there so I don't know exactly what happened. Blake called me when the bartender refused to let him drive; the bartender is a friend of ours." Jonathan informed.

"Oh." I said.

"Apparently, Blake got drunk and had a fight with a couple of other drunk guys at a bar. It was over something stupid, just some macho bullshit. One of our friends said that Blake was pretty pissy from the start so he was already up for a fight." Jonathan said.

"Well, Blake isn't a violent guy, he must have been provoked." I said.

"Yeah, one of the guys was a jerk but Blake was just looking for a reason." Jonathan said.

"It won't take me long to finish up here. You really don't have to leave." I said.

"No, there is nothing that I can do for him tonight; besides, I think he prefers to be with you anyway, even if he shouldn't." Jonathan replied.

"What does that mean, even if he shouldn't?" I asked defensively.

"Look, I don't know what your deal is, I mean I am sure you have your reasons for doing what you do and you probably think that they are good reasons but I think that it is pretty fucking lame. I mean you keep hurting him. He got in a fight tonight because he was upset over you." Jonathan said.

"I know that you have had a long night and maybe you have had a bit too much to drink also." I suggested.

He laughed, "I don't know what Blake sees in you, you are so smug and frigid." Jonathan said.

"You don't know anything about me. And I don't think that a man who is so desperate that he sleeps around with someone else's boyfriend is the one to make character assessments." I countered sharply.

"A boyfriend who abandoned him. A boyfriend who wouldn't give him the love that he deserves." Jonathan said.

"You don't know what you're talking about and as I recall you were just asking for my help a couple of weeks ago now you are giving me grief." I reminded.

"I asked for your help because that is what Blake really wanted. You see when you love someone you do things that you don't necessarily want to do to make them happy. I came to you because I knew that you could make things easier for Blake and I couldn't, not that I didn't want to. You see he loves you and I love him and you, I don't know if you love anyone. So I guess that puts me and him on the losing side." Jonathan said.

"When you left Blake to go and find yourself or whatever, I was there for him. I was there for him as his friend when he drank and cried his eyes out because he missed you. I was there when he found out that Liz was sick and he agonized over rather he should tell you or not but thought that the news might complicate your life. He had just received horrible news and still all he thought about were your feelings." Jonathan continued.

"Blake is amazing. He is smart, kind, loving and beautiful. I love to hear him talk, to watch him sleep, to just be around him. I have loved him since the first time I saw him, yet he doesn't look at me the way he looks at you and he never will. And you don't even care. You don't even want him." Jonathan exclaimed.

"I don't know what to say . . . . . . I mean, do you expect me to apologize to you for something that was between Blake and I, something that had nothing to do with you?" I said, still shell shocked by his words.

"You don't have to say anything at all; I wanted to let you know what I thought." Jonathan said.

"Well, now I know." I said.

Jonathan gave me a blank look and then turned and descended the stairs. I returned to the apartment and bandaged Blake's hands and arm. Then I helped him to his room and helped him undress. As I covered him with a blanket he looked up at me and smiled. His emerald eyes, though altered from intoxication and apparent exhaustion, were still beautiful and retained their sparkle.

"What are you doing here?" He asked in a muddled voice.

"I came to see you. I wanted to talk to you." I replied.

"Do you want to talk now?" He asked as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

"No, later. You should get some sleep." I replied.

"Alright." He said with a smile.

Soon he was off to sleep. I sat in a chair four feet from the bed and eventually dosed off myself. Unlike earlier in that night, I had little difficulty falling to sleep. I collapsed into a state of slumber almost immediately.

I slept like a rock, uninterrupted until mid afternoon the next day. I came to when I heard Blake's heavy steps as he scurried to the bathroom. Apparently the aftermath of drinking had caught up with him. I stayed in the chair and attempted to fall back to sleep. I was still tired and didn't feel like moving, however this time I was not fortunate.

I just remained in the chair motionless, with my eyes closed. I heard Blake stumble back into the room and still I kept my eyes closed. I heard the floor squeak as his large feet drew closer and closer to me. I could feel his eyes piercing through me but I was reluctant to open my eyes, I was reluctant to face him.

My mission had seemed somewhat clear the previous night. I wanted to apologize and try to come to a better understanding of what was happening between us, but now, after the events that had unfolded here the night before, I was even more confused than before.

"I know that you aren't sleep." Blake said.

"How did you know?" I asked.

"I just knew." He said.

I opened my eyes and looked up at Blake who was standing over me. "How do you feel?" I asked.

"I am fine." He said.

"No soreness or hangover?" I inquired.

"Nothing that I can't handle." He replied.

"Maybe you should take some ibuprofen for the inflammation and soreness, I gave you a couple last night, take a couple more." I instructed.

"Yeah, I will." He agreed.

"Good." I replied with a slight smile.

He left the room to go and take the medication. I finally pried my body from the chair and stretched a little, and then went to the kitchen to get something to drink. Blake joined me in the kitchen shortly after.

"Do you want something to eat?" He asked.

"No, I am not hungry." I said.

"Neither am I really." He admitted.

"You should probably eat something, maybe some dry toast. It usually helps settle your stomach." I suggested.

"Okay." He agreed with a smile. "I don't really remember everything about last night, but I think you wanted to talk about something. What were you doing here last night?" He asked.

In the light, with his shirt off, I realized that he bruises on his chest. "Your chest." I said as I brushed my hand across his bruises.

"It's okay. It's worse than it looks." He assured.

"What happened last?" I asked.

"It's sort of a blur." He said with a laugh. "I went to a bar and had some drinks. I had some words with a couple of assholes. One thing led to another the next thing I know I am having a fight. It was no big deal, just some stupid shit." He informed.

"Just some stupid shit . . . . . . . you got drunk and behaved like an idiot and it's no big deal. Look at you, you are all scratched up and battered and it's no big deal. Were you going to drive home drunk? I mean what were you thinking. It is a big deal you could have been seriously hurt, people get killed all the time over stupid things like that." I said as tears started to well up in my eyes.

"Baby, its okay, don't cry." He said as he embraced me.

I don't know what came over me, I was nearly hysterical. I buried my face in the center of his chest and wept for a few minutes. Then I took a few deep breaths, inhaling him into my body, trying to calm myself. I was very angry. I didn't understand how I got so angry so quickly, it just swept over me. The thought of someone hurting him and the fact that he had put himself in that position just pissed me off.

I lifted my head from his chest and steadied myself on my feet. Then I pushed him off of me and I kept pushing him and started hitting him, "you are so stupid", I said repeatedly.

"Stop it!" Blake said as he grabbed my arms. "What's wrong with you?" He exclaimed.

"Let me go!" I instructed.

"Stop." He said and then released me.

We just stood there for a few minutes absorbing what had just happened and collecting ourselves.

"After you left last night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about you, you seemed so upset when you left and I really felt awful about that. I came over here thinking that we could talk and just not be upset with each other. I came over here questioning myself, doubting if I had made the right decision and now I see that I didn't. You are out of control and I can't trust you!" I exclaimed.

"What! I got drunk and had a fight, you're right it was stupid. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry baby." He said.

"I know you are. You are always sorry but you keep doing this. Every time something doesn't go your way you seem to turn to drinking or fucking around. How can we be together if every time I disappoint you, you . . . . . . you can't cope? I don't want to live like that." I affirmed.

"That's not fair Steve." He replied.

"It's the truth. You know when I returned from your parent's house I was pretty happy. I was pretty confident about everything that was going on, then you came over and confused me with your wants and your desires, so I came right over here to seek your approval. To try to come to an agreement about what was best. Then your boyfriend practically blamed me for your behavior and accused me of not loving you as much as he does, and that made me doubt myself even more . . . . . . . . . but you know what, I am the one who has been stupid. I don't need your permission or anyone else's to do what is best for me, only I know what is right for me. I used to think that it was selfish to think about my own best interest but now I see that that is exactly what I should be doing and if we were really supposed to be together wouldn't we be on the same page, wouldn't it be easier than this?" I asked.

"It could be easy baby . . . . . . . . it could be. We just need to start over, try again. We love each other, that is all that really matters." He contended.

"No, it isn't enough." I said.

"I don't understand why you won't meet me half way! Why won't you take a chance with me? I know that you want to be with me, I know that you love me. Why are you so determined to ruin it?" He asked.

"Me? I am the one that is ruining it? As I recall you are still with someone else, does he know that you are vying to reconcile with me or are you keeping him as your safety net, just in case things don't work out with me?" I asked sharply.

He shook his head, "I broke up with Jonathan." He informed.

"What? When?" I asked in surprise.

"As soon as I came back from Chicago. I told him that we had been together and that I wanted to work things out with you. He knew that I still loved you." He explained.

It took a moment for me to even absorb the news. I couldn't believe it.

"I . . . . . I don't what to say." I said.

"Say that you will give us another try, there is nothing in our way." He said as me stepped closer to me and stroked the side of my face with his bandaged hand.

"I wanted to hear that for so long, I really did. At first I thought that it was all it would take to make everything right again but now I see that I was wrong. Rather you are with Jonathan or not, it still doesn't change the way I feel about our relationship." I confessed.

"What? I thought that is what you wanted. I thought that this would prove to you that I am serious about us." He informed.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"That is it, you are sorry? You have been throwing Jonathan in my face for months, you made it seem that he was the only thing that stood between us, now he is gone and you still don't want to be together? I broke up with Jonathan for you!" He exclaimed.

"I didn't tell you to breakup with Jonathan. If you want to be with Jonathan be with Jonathan! You have been with him all this time, now I should jump for joy because you aren't?" I countered.

"That is really fucked up Steve! You know all of our problems started with your mistrust!" He shouted.

"I didn't ask you to break up with Jonathan. I didn't ask you to do anything! I have never asked you to do anything! I didn't ask you to pursue me or to love me or anything else. It was you who insisted that we should give it a try, that things were going to be so awesome between us. I told you from the start that I wasn't ready for a relationship but you insisted. And didn't I go out on the ledge with you? Didn't I give it a try? But guess what, it wasn't awesome and it wasn't about you it was me, it was my problem and I tried to go and get myself together." I exclaimed.

"I fucked up. I should have talked to you about the clinic. I was a coward, the letter thing was horrible, I fucked up! But did that give you the right to fuck around with some other guy? Did that make it okay to lie to me for months? You say you love me so much but you couldn't wait for me for more than eight weeks. You couldn't be alone for a couple of months. You knew that I was coming back; it wasn't as if I just fell off the side of the earth. I would have never cheated on you. I would have waited. And I would have forgiven all of that, if only you would have given him up, but you wouldn't, you said that he meant so much to you. So much that you treated him like shit." I exclaimed.

"You never loved Jonathan. He was just a way for you to keep distant from me, a way to punish me." I said.

"To punish you!" He repeated sharply.

"That's right; you have been punishing me since I came back from the clinic. Acting like you wanted to get back together with me, bringing me gifts and flirting with me only to pull away whenever I tried to get close to you. You talk about honesty and trust and how I failed to give you either of those things, but then you turn around and do the exact same thing. You should have told me that you were seeing someone else, you should have told me that Liz was sick, but you didn't." I said.

"Do you know how shitty it makes me feel to know that you were fucking that guy and then you would come over and be with me. That you told him about your grief and struggles and didn't tell me. When I went to the clinic I wasn't choosing someone over you, you were the first person that I told about my past, I trusted you the best I could. Can you say that you did your best, that you were as honest with me as you could be? It is like instead of you being the best you could be you decided to lower your own standards to mirror mine. That isn't love, that is just mean." I exclaimed.

"Is that what you think of me? You think that I am just some cruel asshole who gets off on hurting you?" He asked as he looked in my eyes.

I turned away from his gaze and didn't respond to his question.

"Do you honestly think that I didn't want to tell you about what was going on when you were away? Do you think that I would have rather been with anyone other than you? I wanted to tell you about Liz but how could I dump something like that on your lap in a letter and while you were trying to overcome your own problems." He said.

"I wrote you so many letters, letters telling you about Liz, letters begging you to come home, even confessing to my cheating but I could never send them to you and when you came home it just got that much harder to tell you. Liz had had cancer before but she beat it, I truly believed that she would beat it this time too. It got bad so fast this time and she wanted to keep it private. One month she was fine and the next they were saying it spread and sending her home with hospice. At that point we weren't even speaking." He explained.

"You hurt my feelings and what is the worst part is that I know that what you did is not who you really are. You are so much better than cheating and bar fights. You're better than drinking every time you have a problem. I guess we got together so fast that I never really got the chance to really know you; I just knew that I loved you. But obviously you have your own demons too, if you were as stable as you seemed then you wouldn't be acting like this." I said.

"I never said that I was perfect, I know that I have been drinking a little too much and that thing at the bar last night was stupid, but I have just been a little stressed lately, that is all. It is nothing serious, look at me, you know me." He said.

"I am looking at you Blake. I look at you all the time; I still am surprised that the beautiful guy from the bus likes me. I love you but even at the beginning of our relationship I felt tense, I just feel so tense with you. Maybe I was afraid of making a mistake, afraid of getting hurt, and now I just don't trust you. Your behavior is just not what I want in a mate. I am supposed to be studying for exams and instead I am here arguing with you, worrying about you. We shouldn't be together right now Blake." I confessed.

"Well, I guess that is it. I mean you told me more than a few times that you don't want to be together, I think I want to be alone now Steve." He said with tears welling in his eyes.

My eyes were beginning to well up also, "You should change those bandages tonight and clean the wounds with warm soapy water, and peroxide would be good too. There are some bandages in the bathroom. You probably don't need to redress them, they should have scabs, just be sure to keep the areas clean." I instructed.

"Alright." He said.

"Bye." I said as I turned and made my way to the door.

Bono's Corner:

Hi everyone I am new to this group but have been reading the story with interest. I have just read Chapter 43. I have to say that I can understand why Blake reacted the way he does and yet I can also understand Steve's feelings. One important question though - Has Blake broken it off with Jonathon? I think if he was truly genuine, he would have

broken his arrangement with Jonathon and then told Steve that fact.

Brissie

I've been thinking about that too. If Blake wanted to get back with Steven it's safe to assume that he broke up with Jonathan.

Dudung

I have a feeling that Blake is keeping Jonathan is the wings just in case things don't work out with Steve the way that he wants them too, which is just what has happen. I think that Steve can be very selfish at times with what he wants, and what he needs. Only time will tell.

Dale

I agree that Steve can be selfish but he can also be pretty giving. Blake too can be described as selfish. I think that the basic problem between the two is a lack of communication and an unwillingness to compromise. However, I am not

advocating that Steve should compromise by allowing Blake to continue his arrangement with Jonathon.

If you really want to be with someone then you make it work. Blake cannot have Steve and Jonathon - it is not fair on any of them. Both Blake and Steve have to work out what they want and if being with each other will truly make them happy and healthy.

Brissie

Appreciation:

Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Rogue, Jerry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, David S., Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Jerry L., Emmanuel, Lulu, Joseph, Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Brissie, Dale, Gregory, Bill, Ryan, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.

Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.

Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.

Let Me Know:

Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.

Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.