Sleepy Days

Sleepy Days, Come No More

Chapter 39

After my session I took the train home. As I made the fifteen minute walk from the train station to my apartment building, I thought about what Dr. Berger said. I knew that she was right and that I needed to get things in order and I needed to be honest with myself about my situation.

Once I reached my apartment I changed into more comfortable clothing and decided to journal. It was a technique that they encouraged us to do at the clinic, we also encouraged clients to journal at the hospital. I had done it a few times after I left the program. I vowed that I would do it every day, along with meditating and exercising. It was sort of a change of life plan, but one day I worked late and had to study, so I decided to take day off and a day turned to two until I just discontinued the plan entirely.

I took the journal from the bottom of a crowded drawer. I went to the dining table and started to write. It took nearly forty minutes for me to really make any progress with the entry but once I relaxed I was able to get a lot of my thoughts on paper.

Fortunately, Michael stayed out pretty late, so there were no disturbances. I had the entire evening to think and meditate. That night I took a hot bath and went to bed.

I played hookey for the next two days. I didn't go to work or school. I slept in late and played computer games, watched movies, went to a chat room for the first time, I talked Chuck and Luis, Michael and I spent Thursday night playing monopoly and talking. I went to the community center on Friday morning and swam for an hour, and then I went downtown to the science center. I treated myself to lunch and then went back home.

I spoke with Blake and we agreed to meet up that evening at nearby park. I took a nap and showered before I left out for the park. I arrived at the park first but Blake was not far behind. We stopped at a hot dog vender and found a secluded area to sit and talk. First we just looked at each other and started to eat our food. I finished before Blake, but I wasn't really hungry.

"You don't like the link?" Blake asked.

"I had a big lunch, wasn't that hungry." I explained.

"Oh." He said with a smile.

"Do you want it? I only had a couple of bites." I offered.

"Of course I want it. I hope that you left some teeth marks." He said playfully.

After he finished eating he walked over to a trash can and threw away our garbage. Then he returned and we began to talk.

"I'm glad you called. I really want to talk to you." He said.

"I want to talk to you too." I replied.

"Did Michael tell you that I came over that night?" He asked.

"Yes, he said you stayed for a long time." I said.

"I didn't leave until half past nine." He informed.

"That must have taken some patience, I hate waiting." I said.

"I don't know if I was really patient, there was a lot of restlessness." He confessed.

"I want to talk about what happened at the club." I said.

"Okay." He replied.

"I am so sorry for my behavior . . . . . I am so embarrassed." I exclaimed.

"It is okay." He tried to comfort me.

"No it is not okay Blake. I was out of control." I confessed.

"You thought Westin was Jonathan?" Blake asked.

"Yeah. I did." I admitted.

"Do you think that I would actually introduce you to him? I wouldn't do that to you Steve." Blake assured.

"I don't know, I guess I wasn't thinking clearly. I saw you sitting with him at the bar and you were both laughing and smiling . . . . . so I thought that he must be Jonathan." I informed.

"Oh." He said.

"When we walked over there and I saw him smiling and looking at me, I just felt so sick about it. I felt as if he were taunting me, that he was smiling because he had something that was once mine. Then when I saw him in that shirt . . . . . . that green shirt that I got for you, I lost it. I just could not believe that he was wearing that shirt, I bought it for you because the color reminded me of your eyes." I paused. "I didn't want to attack him; I just wanted him out of that shirt. I didn't want him to have that too." I confessed.

"I had never seen you like that before." Blake said.

"When I was a child I had a few physical altercations. One time this kid just kept harassing me, he just wouldn't leave me alone and one day I just lost it and I beat him up really badly." I paused. "Afterwards I just cried and cried, not because of the fight, but because I was scared. I completely lost control of myself. I was just so angry . . . . . about everything. I have tried very hard not to allow myself to get like that again, but that night, I felt that same blind anger." I confessed.

"We all get upset Steve, you just had a bad moment. That is not who you really are." He said attempting to comfort me.

"Blake I was jealous. It is just that simple I was jealous and angry and I acted like some type of street punk." I insisted.

"If I am completely honest, I am not saying I encourage you to be violent, but a part of me was happy that you cared enough to have a reaction." He confessed.

"It was still horrible." I said.

"Steve, to be honest I was jealous too." He said.

"Jealous?" I asked.

"Of Sean. I know that you have been seeing him and last night when you left with him it pissed me off. I even thought about going over to his apartment." He paused. "I would have beaten him up if I thought that would keep him away from you." He informed.

"I guess we are a matching pair of lunacy." I said.

"I just wanted you to know that I am jealous too." He confessed.

"You shouldn't be jealous." I said.

"Why shouldn't I?" He asked.

"Sean and I decided to stop seeing each other. If I am honest I only hooked up with him because I was angry with you." I revealed.

I looked over at him and saw that he had a slight smile, then when he noticed that I was looking he stopped. "Are you okay?" He asked sweetly.

I chuckled, "I will be, though by the smile on your face you're not exactly disappointed by the news." I observed.

"I'm not disappointed. I never liked the guy. I don't think he was right for you." He admitted.

"He is a nice guy. Why don't you like each other? What's up between you two?" I inquired.

"He is an asshole. When I moved here I went to a lot of clubs and we had a couple of mutual friends. One night we were at a party and we had some words, I don't even remember what it was about. I just never liked him. I think he had something against because my family has money, he felt that I was spoiled or something." He explained.

"That must be why he calls you rich boy." I said.

"He is so arrogant and superficial." He said.

"Really?" I asked.

"What?" He asked.

"You think he is really arrogant?" I clarified.

"Yes. I don't know what you saw in him." He confessed.

"He can be a little arrogant, but I thought it was cute. In fact he kind of reminds me of you. I think that is why I liked him, he was fun." I informed.

"I am nothing like him." He said.

"Okay. It doesn't even matter. I wanted to see you so we could talk about us." I stated.

"What about us?" He asked.

"We have both admitted that we have been jealous about the other being with someone else." I said.

"Yes." He affirmed.

"Yet, there has been no talk about reconciliation." I said.

"No, I guess there hasn't been." He acknowledged.

"I just don't think that we should continue like this." I said.

"Continue like what?" He asked.

"Like this, with all the jealousy and . . . . . um, it is like being in a state of limbo. I don't know what our relationship is. I was talking to someone a few days ago and I realized that we have been broken up for months now." I paused. "Sometimes it feels like a long time, but then other times it seems like it just happened." I confessed.

"Sometimes I feel like that too." He said.

"I haven't really given it much thought. I don't really know how I feel about us being broken up or about you being with Jonathan, but clearly I have very strong feelings about. I mean if I didn't it would not have made me so angry to think of him in that shirt." I said.

"You don't know how you feel about our breakup?" He asked.

"I think it makes me sad. I mean that is what I should feel. I know that would be normal." I said.

"How you should feel? I want to know how you really feel." He said.

"I don't know. I don't feel anything." I confessed.

"How do you not feel anything?" He asked.

"I just don't. I know that sounds horrible but it is true." I paused for thought. "It is like I know that I am sad but I can't feel it. I know it sounds crazy but that is how I feel." I confessed.

"I just don't understand. I mean I hear you, I understand that you're . . . . . . .detached, but I just can't relate to that. I wish that you actually felt something, not that you only believe that you feel something but have no tangible connection to the actual feeling." He said with a bit of exasperation.

"I understand." I said.

"I don't want to be angry with you for feeling the way you feel or don't feel, but I can't help wishing that you felt more." He confessed.

"Maybe I will." I paused. "I mean things just seem up in the air. When I came back I thought that you might be angry with me, but I thought that we would work it out. When I went to treatment I expected to go get fixed and return and be better. I didn't really think beyond one point at a time. I really believed that I was making the right decision. Then when we broke up I thought that you would come back. I thought that it was still going to work out." I explained.

"What about now?" He asked.

"Now, I am tired . . . . . I am just really tired and sorry." I divulged.

"I am sorry too Steve." He said softly.

"I knew that I had problems before we met and I planned to deal with them eventually, you know once I got out on my own, then when I finished school, and then once I got a good job, then I said after I get the promotion or when I get another degree. Just so many excuses. I am twenty six, soon I will be thirty, I don't want to wake up fifty and still fucked up." I professed.

"Fucked up?" He asked with a slight smile.

"Well, I figure if I am going around attacking people at clubs, I can start using more profanity." I replied with a chuckle.

"It always sounds weird when you curse." He said as he looked at me.

"Stop looking at me like that." I instructed.

"Like what?" He asked.

"Like that, like you're looking through me, it makes me feel uneasy." I confessed.

"I was just being attentive, I thought you liked that." He said with a smile.

"You have distracted me, what was I saying?" I asked.

"You were talking about putting things off, making excuses." He informed.

"The point I was trying to make is, that I think I really need to focus on getting my life in order." I said.

"Yeah, of course." He agreed.

"Do you remember Ryan?" I inquired.

"Ryan? Michael's friend?" He asked.

"Yes." I answered.

"I met him a couple of times. Why?" He asked.

"Well, Ryan has a crush on Michael, he really likes him." I informed.

"Okay." He said with a trace of confusion.

"Michael doesn't feel the same about Ryan; he only wants to be friends." I said.

"Go on." He instructed.

"Well, Ryan has decided that he can't be friends with Michael because his feelings are too strong for him." I said.

"I think I know where you're going, but that isn't our situation." He proclaimed.

"It may not be the exact same but I think it is the solution." I said.

"The solution, you think that us not being friends is the solution?" He asked.

"We're not friends now. I don't know what we are. I mean you stop over and act as though nothing has changed between us, then we go weeks without sight or word. I don't know how you feel about it, but I think it is pretty bad." I confessed.

"We have just been really busy lately. I mean you have work and school, and now I have a fulltime job and mentoring, and I have been spending more time with my family recently. It is just scheduling." He tried to convince.

"You know that's not true, we are stuck in the same place we were in when we first broke up. I think it is time for some closure, some real finality. As long as we continue like this neither of us will be able to fully move on." I said.

"I don't want to move on. I don't want to give up on us." He said.

"I don't want to move on, I need to move on. I can't see a future for us right now and I can't wait for you to forgive me anymore, I want you to forgive me, but I can't wait for that. I think we need to let it go. I think it is the only way we will know what we really want. Maybe you and Jonathan can have something special or maybe you will find someone who will really make you happy. I want that for you, I want you to be happy." I said.

"Steven, I still love you." He exclaimed.

"I love you too but you haven't forgiven me, you haven't chosen to be with me and why should you as long as you can keep me on the shelf. And even if you did say you wanted to come back should it be that easy, should I just take you back now after all these months. What kind of person would that make me?" I paused. "I have been so focused on you forgiving me that I haven't even thought about the fact that I need to forgive you. You cheated on me for months and that isn't okay, and I don't know how I really feel about it, because I haven't been able to bring myself to think about it." I informed.

"I know that things have been confusing . . . . . . . . . they have been confusing for me too. I don't know what to say to you, other than I really do love you, and I don't think you should close the door on us." He paused. "You're right things aren't in the best place, maybe we should talk more. We should just take some time to think about what we want; I mean you said you don't even know how you feel. I don't think we should make any definite decisions right now." He exclaimed.

"Yeah, that is true. I don't know how I feel about everything that has happened, but I do know that this is not working for me. I know that I need to get a grip on my life and sitting around waiting for you or making decisions based on jealousy is not something that I want to do. Maybe we will be able to get back together later or maybe we won't, I just know that right now it isn't an option . . . . . . and that means we should not be in each other's lives, we really should spend some time apart." I said.

"Not be in each other's lives! What are you talking about? I love you, why wouldn't we be in each other's lives even if we aren't together?" He paused. "Why is the solution always to walk away?" He pressed.

"I am not saying that we can't be friends somewhere down the road but . . . . . just not now." I said.

"Steve, look, I know that things are confusing and I know that you feel that I have you on the shelf or that I am in and out of your life, but I love you Steven. I love you more than anyone else." He said sincerely.

"That sounds really nice, that is what everyone wants to hear, but saying that you love me and actually loving me are two separate things. You are with another guy and have been for months. And the love that you claim to have for me hasn't been enough for you to leave him." I countered.

"Is that what you want, for me to break it off with Jonathan?" He asked.

"No, that is not what I want; because that is not what you want. If you wanted to break things off with Jonathan, you have done that already. I don't want to be with you because I pressured you, and right now, even if you did break things off with him, I still wouldn't get back with you. I mean what I said about taking some time apart." I informed.

"So, that is it, there is nothing that I can do to change your mind? You have the final word?" He asked with agitation.

"You have had plenty of say Blake; you just did it without words." I said.

"So it is all my fault?" He asked.

"This is not about fault or blame. It is about growing and improving and not being stuck. This not about trying to hurt your feelings, I am just doing what is best for me right now and honestly I can't see how being on the fence about us is helping you either." I said bluntly.

"I just think that you are being a little unfair, I mean we could work on setting some boundaries, or defining what our relationship is so that you won't feel confused." He suggested.

"No, I don't want to discuss boundaries or try to learn how we can be friends. I am tired of all of this; I am not asking your permission, I am telling you that I want you to leave me alone. I want to have some time to get myself together. If you truly care about me then you should want me to have that." I exclaimed.

I rose to my feet and faced Blake, who had dropped his head sullenly.

"Blake, I umm, I am sorry that things didn't go how you had hoped. I love you, take care of yourself." I paused. "Look at me." I said.

He lifted his head and looked at me through his emerald eye, which had become glazed.

"You take care of yourself too Steve." He said.

"Thank you." I replied.

"Bye Steve." He said softly.

I walked to the train station and waited on the platform. As I stood there, my phone buzzed. I reached into my pocket and pulled it out. I saw that it was Blake who was calling. I hesitated for a moment and thought about if I really wanted to talk to him. Part of me wanted to send the call to voicemail but another part of me wanted to know what he had to say.

I pressed the answer button and said hello.

"Steve, listen . . ." He said.

"Blake I don't know what else needs to be said." I said interrupting him.

"Look, I listened to everything you had to say and I want you to do the same for me. Now listen." He instructed firmly.

"Okay." I conceded.

"Okay. I don't know where to start, I mean you really blindsided me tonight. I never thought that you wanted to meet with me to tell me not to see you anymore. I know that we don't see each other as often as we used to, but I love seeing you, I love spending time with you." He paused. "I thought that we would meet and talk about getting back together, to give it another try. After listening to you I can see how that may have been over reaching but that is what I wanted. I love you and I don't want to take a break or to give you space. I feel like we have had so much space and time from each other already." He exclaimed.

"Blake . . ."I started.

"No, listen." He instructed. "It took everything in me not to chase you down and tell you no, that you can't get your way, that we weren't taking a break, but then I realized that I can't force you to change your mind . . . . . if you feel this is what you need, then I should respect that." He informed.

I sighed, "Thank you." I said meekly.

"I just wanted you to know that I love you and to tell you that a break is temporary, it doesn't mean forever, and when the time comes I'm going be back around." He proclaimed.

"Bye Blake." I said.

"Bye Steve." He replied.

I turned the phone off and put it back into my pocket. I had gotten so distracted by the call that I missed my train. I stood there and waited for the next train and began to laugh a little, not because it was funny but because it was so typical. Blake always seemed to absorb all of my attention, whether I wanted him to or not.

The conversation with Blake replayed in my mind as I waited. Honestly, I was glad that he had called. It was nice to know that he still wanted me and that he wanted to let me know it, but I was also relieved that he was going to respect my wishes.

Soon the next train had arrived and boarded. I sat on one of the hard seats and looked out the window as the train surged through the tunnel and rattled upon the tracks. Before long, I found myself walking through my own front door. I didn't even remember how I had gotten there. I had a surreal feeling. I didn't feel bad or good, I just felt weird. I went to bed later that night without any trouble.

When I woke the next morning, I took a deep breath and smiled. I climbed out of bed and showered. I had breakfast and went for a walk. Everything continued, the world did not end. I knew that I had a lot of work to do, but I felt that I could do it. I felt that I could finally get things in order.

Bono's Corner:

There is an impending conversation between Steven and Blake, which will be presented in the next chapter. What do you think the context of the conversation should be and what outcome would you like to see?

On the surface it seems they are friends....always have been.ÿ I think it might be time for a good knock-down, drag out, kind of clearing of the air.ÿ They have been too civil about their breakup; it can go anywhere until they have really gotten to the bottom of whatÿ they are feeling.ÿ Let them get angry, curse and cry and get it all out, then start over. ÿ

Jake

I think Steven needs to come clean, but I think Blake needs to be completely upfront with Steven and let him know he is selfish, egotistical and he needs to be the one to apologize, Blake has nothing to be sorry for.ÿ He was the one that was left a note, a note, how selfish and insensitive is that??!!!!!!ÿ Blake also needs to come out and say he has moved on and tell Steven he needs to just get on with his life.ÿ

Sorry, I may be harsh, but I am tired of Stevens actions.

Paul

Before St. Blake gets put on a pedestal, let's review a bit.

He is the one who mentioned no secrets and total honesty in their relationship. As we have seen, like with Steven, he hasn't followed his own rules. He is hiding a few secrets of his own, and from what I could guess at from the last chapter, Sean is a big part of it. Sean as much as alluded to it while he and Steven were waiting for their dinner companions. Otherwise how are we to know why Blake has always had that virulent reaction whenever he saw Sean and Steven together.ÿ As for honesty, he could have told Steven when he returned that he was seeing someone else instead of springing that surprise when Steven dropped off the lasagna he made for dinner that Blake missed because he was so "busy" (another lie?). If Jonathan does not exist... get the picture?

At this talk, both should divest themselves of the secrets and be brutally honest with each other. It's high time considering they fell in love so fast, not knowing anything about each other except what each one chose to let the other know.

Hopefully there was and is enough there to rebuild.

David S

So what now Steven is the Saint? Let's not forget how they got to this point. And who brought them here. Steven!!! Yes Blakeÿhasÿhis flaws. ButÿI feel he loved Steven and if I remember right when Steven pulled away from him before he went to Steven job and beg for another chance.Not that he needed a reason to.(Steven wanted to focus on his schooling and job)ÿYeah Steven could have been a little more up front with Blake when getting help he needed but he didn't so this is the road we now travel. Yeah Blake lied about Jonathan (if he even existÿor not). They both just need to sit down and clear the air. #TeamBlake

J.T.

Appreciation:

Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Kim, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, David S., Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Alex, Tony, Emmanuel, Joseph, Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Gregory, Bill, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.

Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.

Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.

Let Me Know:

Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.

Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.