Sleepy Days, Come No More
Chapter 35
The next week had a quick start. Monday and Tuesday were completely overtaken by work and school. Wednesday I had work and therapy, and then I attended a LGBT association meeting with Dr. Janssen. It was really nice. I didn't agree to join but I was certainly impressed by many of the members.
There was such a great energy at the meeting. Everyone seemed excited to see each other and everyone I spoke to was very welcoming. There were many interesting conversations going on. Many were focused on various issues that the LGBT community is facing, but there was a lot of talk about occupational distress and cultural events as well.
The members were varied too. There were men and women from different races and ethnicities, some people were white collar professionals and others were blue collar workers. It was a virtual melting pot of people and they were all there for a common goal. There was a feeling of kinship even though they were strangers to me. It was pretty exceptional.
Dr. Janssen and I stayed at the meeting for a little over an hour, and then we decided to go across the street to a small Thai restaurant for dinner.
The restaurant was even smaller than it appeared from outside. There was a short wait, but we were soon seated and placed our orders. I was not very familiar with Thai cuisine so Dr. Janssen suggested that I try Kai Pad Med Mamuang Himmapan. He said it was a mild dish that was composed of chicken and cashew nuts. He thought it would be a good introductory dish.
We talked among ourselves as we waited for our meals to arrive. Once the food arrived we ate and talked through our meals. Dr. Janssen was right it was a nice dish. It was very tasty but very spicy. The cashew added an interesting texture and flavor to the chicken.
"Do you like the dish?" Dr. Janssen asked.
"Yes, I like it very much. Thank you for the recommendation." I said.
"Good. It was the first Thai dish I ever had." He informed.
"Well, it is a good choice." I affirmed.
"So what did you think of the meeting?" He asked.
"It was very nice. I liked the atmosphere, it was very inviting." I said.
"I know it sounds clich but we are like a family." He said with a smile.
"A completely gay and very accomplished family." I said with a smile.
"That only adds to the intrigue." He said.
"Well, I liked it very much." I confessed.
"Does that mean you will consider joining?" He asked.
"I certainly will." I admitted.
"That is good. I am sure you will make a wonderful addition to the group." He said.
"Why are you so sure that I will be of any significance to the group at all, it seems to be well stocked. I mean doctors, lawyers, accountants, teachers, journalists, construction workers and so on." I said.
"I see you looked over the literature I sent you." He observed.
"Yes, I read all the information. All the reasons to join, all the wonderful things the group does for the community. I just don't see how I could be of further assistance; you guys are already doing so well." I said.
"I watched how you worked on the fair and I talked with Robert and he said that you were responsible for getting many of the booth operators and organizing the presentation portion." He said.
"I had a lot of help." I informed.
"Exactly, everyone can use help and you could help the organization do a lot of good for the community." He said.
"The more you talk, the more I am convinced that you are in the wrong profession." I said with a smile.
"What profession should I be in?" He asked.
"Dr. Janssen, you have a silver tongue, I think you would have made a wonderful lawyer and a very successful politician." I replied.
"Well, the former maybe out of reach but the latter is still a strong possibility." He said.
"Dr. Janssen, are you considering public office?" I inquired.
"First, call me Adrian." He said and looked over to me as if expecting a reply.
"Adrian it is, Dr. Janssen." I said with a smile.
"And yes, I have always been interested in public office, and now it seems more plausible than ever." He informed.
"What has made it more plausible?" I asked.
"The push for equal rights for homosexuals is becoming more mainstream. We are already able to legally marry in certain states and people are beginning to see gay rights as less of an issue of sexuality and more an issue of human rights." He said.
"There is certainly more awareness about gay rights, more attention, but that doesn't equate to acceptance or equality. I don't know if there is a higher tolerance for homosexuality or if it has just become a pop culture interest." I agreed.
"A pop culture interest?" He inquired.
"Well, it just seems that being gay is in vogue now. I mean it is all over television and in movies. Many actors and entertainers endorse it, but what about Ma and Pa Jones. The majority, what do they think about it." I said.
He was looking at me intently, and then he smiled. "That is an interesting thought and I think it holds a lot of merit, but is it not an advantage to have the high visibly in popular culture? Isn't that a platform to reach more people and perhaps influence younger generations?" He asked.
"Of course, all of the attention in movies and television can be very helpful in humanizing homosexuality, showing people that we are just like everyone else so to speak, but I think that some people misinterpret visibility for acceptance." I explained.
"That is a valid observation." He said.
"What do you observe doctor?" I asked.
"Adrian." He reminded.
"Adrian." I echoed.
"I observe that you are a very articulate young man and you would be an excellent candidate for our organization. I think you could really do a lot of good." He replied.
"Thank you, but I meant what are your views on the topic. Do you think the high visibility of homosexuality in pop culture will or has created more acceptance and tolerance in society overall?" I asked.
"That is a good question. I think that visibility is great. It keeps the issues at the forefront, it provokes thought regardless of what the opinion is, and rather it is pro or anti. Pop culture is fickle and it is oft to change but while the "gay issue" is so visible, I think it is a terrific opportunity to push for real change." He said enthusiastically.
"You seem very passionate about this." I observed.
"I am, aren't you?" He asked.
"I don't know. I mean I am concerned but I don't know if I am as impassioned about it as you seem to be." I confessed.
"Steven, how long have you known you were gay?" He asked.
"Since as long as I can remember. I mean I didn't know that I was "gay", but I knew I was attracted to males." I informed.
"How long have you been out?" He asked.
I smiled and blushed, "For a little over a year." I admitted with a quiet chuckle.
He looked a little surprised, "Just a year? That isn't long at all." He said.
"Yes, I was a late bloomer." I said with a smile.
"That is very interesting." He said.
"How so?" I asked.
"Well, it just seems that more and more young people come out earlier in life." He paused. "May I ask you a personal question?" He asked.
"Of course you may, though I may not answer." I said.
"Did you date girls before you came out?" He asked.
"No, I was just a regular hermit." I confessed.
"So what made you choose to come out last year?" He asked.
"I never really thought of myself as in the closet. I mean I wasn't dating and wasn't active, so it seemed unnecessary to announce my sexuality when I was not sexual." I paused. "I always thought that I would get around to it eventually, I just wanted to get other things in order first. Then I met someone and things got really serious really quickly, so it wasn't really an issue of coming out the closet, when people saw us together they knew and I confirmed." I explained.
"He must be quite a guy." He said.
"He is." I confirmed.
"That is the reason I am so passionate about the issues, so that one day you and your partner can enjoy equal rights." He said with a smile.
"Well, unless you are a wizard as well as a doctor, I think we will be enjoying those equal rights apart, provided that we eventually receive them." I said.
"Are you and your partner separated?" He asked.
"Yes, we had some difficulties and decided to go our separate ways." I said with a sigh.
"A sigh." He observed.
"Excuse me?" I inquired.
"You sighed after you revealed that you and your partner had separated." He clarified.
"Oh, well it was inadvertent." I assured.
"Usually a sigh implies some level of tension or distress." He informed.
"I didn't realize that such a small act would have such implications or that you would be so observant. I guess I will have to regulate my behavior more carefully." I said with a grin.
He laughed, "How long have you and your partner been apart?" He asked politely.
"A while now, um, I think it has been over four months. It is hard to keep track, things have been busy." I paused for thought. "It seems like it has been longer." I confessed.
"That isn't very long at all." He said.
"No, when you think of it in calendar terms, I guess it hasn't been that long, but it feels like it has been ages." I said with a smile.
"That is normal. When I broke up with my first boyfriend I was pretty devastated." He confessed.
"Had you two been together long?" I asked.
"For a couple of years?" He informed.
"Was it a mutual separation? Was it amicable?" I inquired.
"We were mutually unhappy but I still wanted to try. I wouldn't classify the break up as amicable but it wasn't vitriolic either." He said.
"How old were you?" I asked.
"I was twenty years old." He informed.
"That is young, to have been in a serious relationship." I observed.
"I loved him. What about your relationship, did it end amicably?" He asked.
"Actually, it did. There was no yelling or screaming, just an acknowledgement that it was over." I said.
"A little yelling and screaming can be cathartic." He said.
"I am not a yeller." I said with a smile.
"Every now and then I go out to the country and scream." He confessed.
"Really?" I asked.
"Yes and it always makes me feel better. It just releases all the frustration." He explained.
"I guess everyone has something that helps them manage their stress." I said.
"What is your thing?" He inquired.
"Um, I take time to myself. I watch a movie or do a puzzle." I informed.
"Does that work for you?" He asked.
"I believe it does." I said.
"I hope that it does." He said.
"We have gone far off course." I observed.
"How so?" He inquired.
"Well, we started talking about the association and your political aspiration, now you have me talking about stress relief techniques and my love life." I said.
"I have enjoyed our conversation." He stated.
"I don't know how I feel about our conversation, but I will say that you have an easy manner about yourself, something that makes your probing seem non-evasive." I said with a laugh.
"I didn't realize I had been evasive." He said.
"Well, like any good doctor, you made it feel painless." I said with a smile.
We talked for a while longer and then parted ways.
The rest of my week was routine, work, and school, home. On Saturday night Sean and I went out to a club downtown. Everything was fine. We were dancing and talking to some of his friends. As the night progressed Sean and I were separated. I was a little tired from all of the dancing so I found a table in the corner and sat down to rest. I watched everyone as they danced and talked to each other.
Then I saw Blake. He was sitting at the bar and talking with an attractive guy. I sat there and watched as they talked and laughed. Then when they vanished among the masses of men gathered on the dance floor. I set out to find Sean so we could leave or so I could tell him that I was leaving.
I looked around but I didn't find him. I started to scan the place one more time and decided I would text Sean that I was leaving if I failed to find him. Just as I was about to desert my efforts I saw him.
"Hey, where have you been?" Sean asked breathlessly.
"Looking for you actually." I said.
"Well, you found me. You ready to go back out on the floor?" Sean asked.
"No. I am ready to leave." I informed.
"Why? What's wrong?" Sean inquired.
"I am just tired, um, I am ready to go." I said.
"Already? I thought you wanted to dance all night." Sean replied.
"I know. If you want to stay, stay." I implored.
"No, I thought we were going to spend the night together." Sean said with a smirk and stepped into me.
"Okay, let's go then." I said.
"Alright just let me say bye to the guys and get something to drink." Sean said.
"Fine I will wait here, fifteen minutes." I suggested.
"Sounds good." Sean said.
"Okay." I replied.
I stood off to the side near the bar and waited for Sean. It had only been a few moments, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and said, "Are you ready to go?", only to find Blake.
"Where to?" Blake asked.
"Blake . . . . . hey." I said.
"Hey." Blake replied.
"How are you doing?" I asked nervously.
"I am fine. What's up with you, you seem nervous?" Blake asked.
"I am just surprised to see you." I confessed.
"I hope that it is a pleasant surprise." Blake said.
"Well, it has to be brief; I am on my way out." I informed.
"It's still early." Blake contended.
"Yeah, but I am tired." I said.
"Oh, that is too bad." Blake replied.
"You look like you are having a good time, no need for it to stop." I said.
"Yeah. I am having a pretty good time." Blake confessed.
"Well, I don't want to keep you." I said.
"Why are you trying to get rid of me?" Blake asked with a smile.
"I am not trying to get rid of you; I just didn't want to disrupt your good time." I said.
"You're not." Blake said with a smile.
"So, how is work going?" I asked.
"It is fine. I am really enjoying the students." Blake informed.
"That is very good. I am sure that they all love you." I complimented.
"Thanks. Have you gotten your promotion?" Blake inquired.
"Yes. I got the promotion." I said with a smile.
"I knew you would. How has it been going?" Blake asked.
"It is pretty much the same. I had been doing the same work, now I have the title." I replied.
"I am proud of you Steve, you really worked very hard for that promotion, you deserve it." Blake praised.
"Thanks." I said.
"You're welcome. Have you celebrated yet?" Blake asked.
"I went out to dinner with Rico and Vanessa. They didn't tell you?" I asked.
"I have been out of town for a few days and haven't talked to either of them in a while." Blake explained.
"Oh. Where did you go?" I asked.
"I went to Chicago to visit the family." Blake informed.
"That must have made your parents happy. They say you only come for the holidays." I said.
"Yeah, they were pretty happy to see me." Blake confessed.
"How is everyone?" I asked.
"They are as well as can be expected. Everyone asked about you." Blake stated.
"Oh, that is sweet." I said.
"I told them that you were just about to get a promotion. So you should be expecting a card or a pen or something." Blake informed.
"They really don't have to send me anything." I said.
"You know they like you, so there is no stopping them." Blake said with a smile.
"I really like them too." I said warmly.
"I know you do." Blake replied.
"Well, I don't want to keep you, and I am leaving soon." I exclaimed.
"Yeah, you said that." Blake said.
"Okay, have a good time." I encouraged.
"I want you to meet someone before you leave." Blake said.
"Not tonight, I really am in a hurry." I replied in rushed speech.
"It will only take a few minutes. I really think you should meet him." Blake encouraged.
"I don't think so, not tonight." I said.
"Come on Steve, I think you should. I really think it would be good thing." Blake said sincerely.
"I don't know, I mean I really tired and sweaty." I said.
"It will only take a few minutes and it doesn't matter if you are a little sweaty, most of us are." Blake assured.
"Okay, just a couple of minutes." I reluctantly agreed.
He turned and began to walk straight ahead. I followed closely behind him as he led me to a table. The handsome guy he had been speaking to earlier was sitting there. My heart was beating fast and I felt a bit light headed. I took a deep breath and approached the table.
Bono's Corner Update:
So do you think that Steven went through with the threesome or did he back out? That is the topic of the of new group discussion stop by to weigh in at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.
Maybe it will affect the outcome. Have fun and Be safe.
Comments:
I've been keeping up with your story and am trying to figure out the deal with Blake? Wonder why he is keeping his so-called new boyfriend a big secret from his friends and why when Steven does go over to see him he never allows him in?? Wonder if Blake actually does have a boyfriend or if maybe he is fucking around with one of Steven's close friends??
Greg
I think Steven is going to bail out of the threesome. I thought he was ready, I was even ready for him, but it became too planned, too organized, to mechanical to even be what a threesome should be. His big head is starting to take over.
I'm still wondering also what he and his therapist are talking about. Did he tell her he was planning a threesome? I am almost starting to see a split personality, a Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde........mild mannered Nurse Administrator/Teacher by day, Slut in training by night.
Oh, wow, where is that conservative, judgmental side of me coming from? It's not like me! Maybe I'm the one with a split personality...LOL
Jake
As for Steve, I don't think that a threesome will be good for him, I mean if something goes wrong, this may have some serious repercussions for him, because maybe it might trigger his memories from his uncle or something else, I don't know what might be possible in this case.
In any case I'm sure that if anything bad happens to Steve, like an accident or a fight on a club or even gay bashing on the street, I'm absolutely sure that Blake would be the first one to try to help him if possible.
Blake still cares deeply for him, that I think it's quite obvious as for what happened at the New Year's, and for the presents on Christmas but he may not be ready to forgive Steve yet.
Luke
I liked the chapter, but at the same time I did not like it. I liked it because it gives context to the story and we see that Steve is trying to move on with his life. I don't like it because of Sean, I think he is converting Steve or taking him down the wrong path. I would much rather see Steve and Blake get back together and if that can't happen it would be best that Sean got out of Steve's life.
Adolfo
It occurred to me reading #34 this evening Steven is stuck. When he went away for several months, it was to deal with events and feelings in his past. It's now the present and he is having problems dealing with an event (Blake's behavior) and his feelings toward Blake. Steven has let the readers know he still has feeling for Blake when he sees him or reflects on their relationship. The minute those feelings for Blake surface he pushes them down and tries to shut them out.
I think his involvement with Sean and now a possible third party are behaviors to keep him from dealing with Blake and his feelings for him. If he doesn't deal with his feelings for Blake, he's headed for a second break down compounded by guilt over his promiscuous behavior with Sean and in a 3 way. (If he doesn't freak out and run from the three way.)
Michael
It's nice to see Steven go out and experiment. But he waxes self-critical at random (and very crucial) moments! It would be nice to see him completely release himself from his inhibitions.
I've been reading the recent comments and Steven seems to be getting most of the flak from other readers. He sought professional help with some very nasty personal issues. I see nothing wrong with that. Smothering his potential mental health problems with love and tenderness with Blake would have been counter-intuitive. I reckon that he was aware of that fact, too being a nurse manager himself, in a
psych facility no less.
Dudung
Appreciation:
Special thanks to Oscar, Lou, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Lucas, Vern, John, Lance, Oz, Dudung, Alan, Terry, Paul, Greg, John J., Harold, Small, Barry, Michael B., Cameron, Randy, Liam, Byron, Kris, Bryan, Fred, Tomaz, David, Tony, Emmanuel, Joseph, Bruce, Matlock, Shawn, Bobby, Gregory, Bill, David R., Bradley, Ron, Bruce, Tom, Mick, Curtis, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.
Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.
Last but not least, thanks to the editor, Raziya, for all of the wonderful work.
Let Me Know:
Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com. I would also encourage you to visit the yahoo group, Bono's Corner at http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/bonoscorner.
Whichever one you choose I look forward to hearing your thoughts.