Sleepy Days

Sleepy Days, Come No More

Chapter 22

"What!" I said.

"There is someone here." He said in a low voice.

I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. I thought I was going to vomit. "You have someone, here, in the bed, the bed we share?" I paused and took a deep breath. "You told me that you were busy. I shouldn't have come. The lasagna is on the stove, there is plenty, if you want to share with your guest!" I said.

Blake was looking down at the floor as I spoke. I turned and left. When I got home I turned off all the lights and got into bed. I just lay there and stared at the ceiling. I had so many feelings and thoughts racing through me, but I couldn't process any of them. I tried to sleep but I couldn't. I wanted to cry but no tears came. So, I just lay there staring at the blank ceiling.

I don't know how long I lay there, motionless, but it felt like forever. Then I heard footsteps, I didn't even turn to see who it was. I just kept staring at the ceiling. Blake climbed in to bed next to me and pulled me into his grasp. He held me in his arms.

We just lay there and neither of us spoke. And then the tears came, they poured from my eyes hindering my ability to see. Then my breath became shorter and I began to shake. He just held me in his arms. The tears slowed into streams and my breathing steadied.

Blake turned me on to my back and licked the tears from my face. He kissed my neck and ears. Then began to unbutton and remove my shirt. He kissed every inch of my chest and took each of my nipples in his mouth, as he worked on my chest I felt tears falling from his eyes onto my bare skin. I remained motionless.

He removed my pants, and then pulled off my underwear and socks. He kissed me all over my body, my legs, thighs, and feet. Then he took me in his mouth until I was hard. Next, he penetrated me with his tongue, and still I lay there motionless.

He pulled off his clothes and lubed his penis. He slid into me and began to kiss my neck. He rested his head on my shoulder as he lay against my abdomen and began to thrust inside me. I just lay there beneath him, as he slid in and out of me. I could feel his breath against my neck and heard his moans, but still I did not move. I had drawn into myself, as I had done before, I was numb.

I don't know how long he was inside me, but at some point it came to an end. He had climbed off of me and he pulled me into his arms. We lay there in silence for a while and then I began to ask him questions.

"How long have you been with him?" I asked.

"Two months after you left." He said.

"Is he the only one?" I asked.

"Yes." He replied.

"Have there been others?" I asked.

"No." He said.

"Do you touch him like you touch me?" I asked.

"No." He answered.

"Do you love him?" I asked.

"I don't know." He said.

"Do you love me?" I asked.

"Yes." He said.

"Does he know about me?" I asked.

"Yes." He said.

"Are you leaving me for him?" I asked.

"I don't know." He said.

He held me through the night. In the morning he kissed me and told me he loved me and left. I spent the entire day in bed, looking at the ceiling. It is a surreal feeling. It is like floating, there is no sense of time or space. There are many thoughts that run through your mind, but you can't comprehend them, it's like the volume is too low. The only clear thought that remained in my mind was Blake with this other person.

During this time I would drift off to sleep, but no dreams came, and I would wake and continue to stare at the ceiling. I don't even remember toileting and I didn't eat. I saw the sun coming up so I knew it was a new day, but I had no desire to move, so I continued to lay there and stared at the ceiling.

When the sun began to fade, and the shadows grew upon the walls, someone came into the room. It was Blake he was saying something, but I didn't listen. I just continued to stare at the ceiling. I don't know how long he stood there talking, but eventually he left the room.

He returned to the room and restarted his mute speech, but I kept looking at the ceiling. He came over to me and pulled at my arms. I just went limp. He continued to pull at me until he drug me from the bed, forcing me to stand or less I would hit the floor. He really was starting to piss me off.

"Why are you here?" I demanded.

"Because you haven't been answering your phone." He said.

"Because I don't want to talk. I want to be left alone." I said pointedly.

"You haven't showered, have you even been out of bed?" He asked.

"I laid where you left me, covered in your sweat, with your cum dripping from my ass." I said.

"Baby, come on I ran you a bath." He said.

"Baby. I love when you call me baby, it makes me feel special, now I just wonder do you call him baby too." I said.

"Don't do that. Come on." He said.

"Okay, I will be a good boy, then maybe you will stay." I said.

He led me to the bathroom and I stepped into the tub. The water was warm. He washed my hair. He cleaned my face and neck, my arms and back, my legs and feet, my crotch and ass. He told me to step out of the tub and he dried my body, and then helped me into my robe. He led me to the sofa and turned on the television.

He brought me a plate of leftover lasagna and a cup of hot tea. I ate and drank as he instructed. He took the dishes away. He talked to me about some things but I was not listening to him. I just kept thinking of him with that other guy. Does he bring that other guy food? Does he bathe him? Do they bathe together?

I looked at him, "I am going to bed." I announced. I went and climbed into bed, and resumed my stare. He climbed into bed next to me. We lay there together in silence.

"I want you to leave." I said. He didn't move. "Why are you here, shouldn't you be with him?" I asked, but he didn't answer. "Do you fuck him? What, am I the better lay? Is that why you keep coming here?" I paused. "I'm just your little whore!" I said.

I climbed onto Blake and started unfastening his pants. He grabbed my wrists, "Stop." He said in a low voice.

"Why were you with him?" I asked. "Oh," I paused and smiled, "I guess you needed a body to warm that big bed, huh baby, is that what it was? Tell me when you lay naked with him in the throes of passion, is it my face that you see, or is it his face that you see when you are with me? Don't be shy stud; I know a thoroughbred like you must be proud of his conquests." I said.

"Steven, enough." He said.

I leaned down and sucked on his neck. "Isn't this what you want baby? Huh. I can be your cum slut tonight, come on!" I shouted.

Blake flipped me onto my back, while holding my wrists. I thrashed beneath him attempting to get free. We continued to struggle, until we were both short of breath. His face was reddening and there was sweat on his brow. "Stop! Stop it!" He shouted.

"I fucking hate you! You make me sick!" I said through ragged breath as I managed to wrestle free from his grip. "Get off of me!" I demanded.

He just hovered over me, looking in my eyes. He looked sad and I felt sad. "Why are you doing this to me?" I asked.

"I'm sorry." He said meekly.

There was a brief silence, as I processed his words, "Don't apologize to me. People apologize when they have hurt someone. Don't be presumptuous enough to think that you can hurt me. My whole life has been pain and I survived. I will survive you too." I paused. "Now, get off of me!" I commanded.

Blake moved on to his back. "I want to be alone." I said.

"I'm not leaving you like this." He said.

"I don't want to lay here next to you, to smell you, and want to touch you, only to think about you with another man, that's all I can think of!" I said. "So, I really want to be alone." I exclaimed.

"Okay, I will sleep on the couch." He said.

I continued to think about Blake and this man, when finally I could think of it no more. The sick feeling in my stomach began to subside, and I had no tears left. I was too exhausted to think. I went to sleep, and for the first time in many weeks I slept well. I woke up early the next morning and felt peace. I wasn't happy but I wasn't overcome like I had been the day before.

I climbed out of bed and looked out the window; the moon was still visible in the sky. I went to the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. I took a hot shower, and got dressed. Then I went to the kitchen and cooked breakfast.

I walked over to the sofa and kissed Blake on the lips. "Wake up." I said with a shake.

He opened his eyes and smiled, "Good morning." He said groggily.

"Good morning Mr. Mitchell." I smiled. "I cooked breakfast."

Blake rose to his feet and went to the bathroom. I sat at the table and waited for him. We ate and made small talk. Then I told him that I wanted to talk about our relationship.

"We haven't talked seriously about our relationship since I came back from the clinic." I paused. "You asked for time and I have given you time, but now that I know there is another person involved I can't continue to wait." I said.

"I understand." He said.

"Well, first thing, are you using protection with this person?" I asked.

"Yes." He said.

"I feel very badly about how things have transpired, I understand that you must have felt some level of abandonment or rejection when I left." I paused. "If I had thought there was another way, that would have spared you I would have done it. I just couldn't breathe and I was not strong enough to be open with you. I was afraid that you would look at me differently or treat me different." I said.

"Baby, I wouldn't have." He said.

"I know that now, I believed it then. I was just too insecure, and that is not any reflection on you. You have been so good to me. I wish I could hold you and make this all go away, make the hurt that I obliviously caused vanish." I paused. "But I can't." I said.

"You did what you felt you had to do." He said.

"I know that you are upset, but you haven't told me how you feel. I want to know." I said.

There was a long silence, Blake took a deep breath and said, "I know you were struggling with something, the nightmares, you seemed distant sometimes, but you never let me in. I wanted to help you or at least to understand, and it hurt. When we made love, I was so happy, I felt really close to you. Then when I woke up and found that you were gone and I read your letter, I felt sick." He paused. "It hurt to know that someone had done that to you, and that you had to continue to struggle with the problems that it caused." He stopped. "But I was pissed that when you finally opened up to me and told me what was going on with you, that you had left. I wanted to hold you, to tell you that I loved you. To just be with you, and the longer you were gone the angrier I became." He paused. "And I felt guilty about being angry, because I knew you needed help, and I was glad you were going to get some, but I just wanted to be a part of it. It sounds selfish but it is true." He confessed.

I took his hand in mine, "It wasn't selfish." I said. "I would have felt the same way." I confessed.

"That is how I feel about it." He exclaimed.

"Thank you for being honest." I looked at him and smiled. "I want to know about this other guy." I admitted.

"What do you want to know?" He asked.

"Everything, where you met, why him, how you feel about him." I said candidly.

Blake sighed, "I have known him casually for years. I've seen him at parties and clubs; we played basketball with some other guys a few times." He said. "One night we were at a party I had got drunk and he gave me a ride home. I told him about you, how much I loved you and missed you. One thing led to another and we spent the night together." He confessed. "More drunken nights led to more encounters, and then we started to spend time together without alcohol. He is a really nice guy, and he cares for me and I care for him." He said.

"You say you care for him, do you love him?" I asked.

"I care for him, I don't know if I love him." He said.

"Are you willing to give him up?" I asked.

"He has been there for me; he has been very good to me." He paused. "No." He said.

My stomach tightened and my heart was beating faster. I took a deep breath, "I love you, but I can't be in a relationship with you and this other person. I'm not ready to say it is over but we have to take a break until you decide who you want to be with." I said.

We talked for a couple more hours, about everything. When he left I felt better. It was good to have everything out in the open. I was still sad about us not being together, but I didn't feel so deflated. I went out for a walk and treated myself to dinner.

The next week went by fast, with school and work. I hosted another study group on Friday and Michael stayed over to hang out. We watched a couple of gay oriented movies, talked about who was hot. He talked about the gay-straight alliance at school, he was a member. We were having a really good time.

It was getting late, and Michael asked if he could sleep over, I agreed. I gave him some clothes to sleep in, as well as covers and pillows. We changed our clothes, and then continued to watch television and talk. Then, around 2 o'clock in the morning Blake showed up.

I stood up to greet him. "Hey, Blake." I said.

"Hey, baby." Blake walked over and kissed me on the lips, I could taste the alcohol on his breath.

"Blake this is Michael, one of my classmates." I said.

Michael stood and shook Blake's hand. "Oh, this is Blake, your boyfriend?" Michael asked.

"Yeah." Blake said.

"Well, it's getting late. Um, there is food in the kitchen, you know where the bathroom is, just make yourself at home. Goodnight." I said.

"Goodnight." Michael said.

"Goodnight Michael." Blake said.

We went into the bedroom and got undressed. We climbed into bed and I started to dose off, then Blake began to run his hand along my crack. I tensed a bit. Then he moved in behind me, and proceeded with his usual neck kissing. "Baby, I missed you." He ran his hand into my crotch.

I pulled his hand from my cock. "It's late Blake, I'm tired." I said.

"Come on baby, I want to be with you tonight." He said.

"Stop." I exclaimed.

Blake moved from behind me and rolled over facing the other direction. I moved in behind him and wrapped my arms around his chest. "Blake, baby, I'm just tired. I missed you too." I kissed the center of his back. "I'm glad you're here, I love you." I whispered.

I held him until he was asleep. Late the next morning I cooked breakfast. Blake was still asleep, so Michael and I ate without him. Michael really wanted to go out that night and wanted me to come with him. I agreed, reluctantly. He wanted to go to this place called the Sticky Navel. Apparently it was a gay club. We decided to meet at my place later that night.

After Michael had gone I went to check on Blake, he was still asleep. I sat in the chair across from his side of the bed and just watched him sleep. He always looked so peaceful when he slept. When, he awoke he saw me watching him, "Are you enjoying the show?" He asked with a smile.

"I always do." I replied.

"Is there any breakfast left?" He asked.

"No, but I can fix you something." I said.

"Is Michael still here?" He asked.

"No, he left." I said.

"Are you still not in the mood?" He inquired.

"That's right." I said.

"Has someone else been taking care of your needs?" He asked.

I laughed, "Blake, what are you doing here?" I paused. "Have you left your new love?" I asked.

He climbed out of bed, "I'm going to take a shower." He said as he left the room.

"That's what I thought." I shouted.

I cooked Blake breakfast and we sat and talked while he ate. "No orange juice?" He asked.

"I gave Michael the last of it, I have cran-apple or grape." I said.

"Oh, no that's okay." He said.

"You didn't answer my question earlier, so I guess the answer is no." I said.

"Do you have any plans this evening?" He asked.

"Yes. I am going to the Sweaty Navel or Tasty Navel." I said.

"The Sticky Navel, that's a hook up place." He said.

"Oh, is that where you met what's his name." I said sarcastically.

"It's just not your kind of place." He said.

"Well, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself." I retorted.

Blake finished eating and left shortly after. I took the time alone to study a little and check my emails. I spent the rest of the afternoon running errands. When, I returned home I started getting ready for the club. Michael arrived at my place at 9 pm and we headed directly to the club.

There was nothing particularly special about the club. It had a dance floor and a bar. The music was loud and it was dark. Michael and I danced together for awhile, before he caught the eye of some other guy. I went over to the bar and had a glass of juice. I just sat watching all the commotion that was happening around me. I enjoyed observing other people it was like interactive television.

Then I heard someone say, "Hey, stranger." I looked over and it was Sean, the guy who hit on me at the New Year's Eve party.

"Sean, how are you?" I asked with a smile.

"I'm good. I'm surprised to see you here." He said.

"Well, you hang around enough gay bars and you're bound to run into some homos." I laughed.

"This doesn't seem like your scene." He said.

"How would you know what my scene is?" I smirked.

"On New Year's Eve you said you had never been to a gay bar before." He explained.

"You have a great memory." I said.

"Occupational hazard, I'm a forensic accountant. I have to keep track of a lot of information." He said.

"It's funny how the addition of one word can make something sound so exciting." I said.

"It's challenging, but I wouldn't call it exciting." Sean said.

"But, seriously this isn't my scene; I'm here with a friend." I said.

"Blake, right?" He asked.

"No, with someone else. He's out there dancing with some guy." I said.

"Don't tell me you and Blake broke up, and some other guy got to you before me?" He said flirtatiously.

"No, we are just friends." I said.

"So, you're still with rich boy?" He asked.

"It's complicated." I said.

"Define complicated." He said.

"I'm sure when you get home you can look it up." I said with a grin.

"Okay, it's none of my business." He paused.

"I'm glad we agree." I smiled.

"You want to dance?" He asked.

"Sure." I said.

We danced for a while. It was nice, just to get out of the house. After, we finished dancing we went back to the bar and he bought me a glass of juice. We continued to talk. He was clearly flirting with me, and I liked the attention. It made me feel sexy.

"You seem to be having a good time." He said.

"I am." I said.

"See we could have been having a lot of fun together if you ever called me." He said.

"Well, I told you that it was unlikely." I said.

"But now with these new complications, maybe we can talk, just as friends." He said.

"Just as friends, I bet." I retorted.

"Hey, if I step out of line you can cut me off." He said.

"Okay, I guess so." I smiled.

"May I have your number this time?" He asked with a smile.

"Yeah." I said. He programmed my number into his phone.

We continued to talk, when Sean said, "Looks like your boyfriend's here."

"Blake?" I asked.

It was Blake and he was walking toward us.

"Hey, baby." Blake said and then took my drink out of my hand and took a swig.

"Hey, Blake." I said.

"Hello, Blake." Sean said.

"Blake this is Sean." I said.

"I have seen him around." Blake said dryly.

"Steven, it was good to see you, I'll call you sometime. Blake." Sean said and then rejoined the dance floor.

"What are you doing with him?" Blake asked with agitation.

I chuckled, "What are you even doing here?" I asked.

"I told you this is a hook up place, so I came to make sure you were alright." He said.

"No, you came to check up on me." I said pointedly.

"Yes, what are you doing with that prick?" Blake asked.

"You're the one acting like a prick." I exclaimed.

Blake put the glass on the bar and then led me outside by my arm. I decided not to resist to avoid a scene.

"What is your problem?" I asked.

"My problem! My boyfriend is out flirting with a known philander!" Blake exclaimed.

"Your boyfriend? Oh, me, because from what I understand you are still seeing someone else. I don't know why you feel that you can come here and embarrass me." I shouted.

"What are you sleeping around to get back at me?" He exclaimed.

"Sleeping around? What are you talking about? He recognized me from the New Year's party and wanted to say hello, that doesn't mean I'm sleeping with him!" I said angrily.

"Well, who are you sleeping with, because you wouldn't touch me last night, and I found condoms in your night stand, so who is it, Michael?" He demanded.

"Michael! He is 19 years old, he is just a kid. What the hell is wrong with you?" I exclaimed.

"Why do you have the condoms?" He asked bluntly.

"Because when my so called boyfriend comes over and decides that he wants to be with me I thought it might be wise to have some condoms, especially since he is cheating!" I shouted.

"For me, I told you that I use protection with Jonathan." He exclaimed.

"Oh, Jonathan, that's his name! Well, I don't know who he has been with and I rather be safe than sorry. Not that I'm not already very sorry!" I said angrily.

"What does that mean?" He demanded.

"I was stupid to allow this to continue. You follow me down here like you own me, and you throw a fit because you think that someone else is getting what is yours, meanwhile you are fucking around!" I paused. "You treat me like your whore, coming in at all hours of the night and expecting me to open up for you!" I exclaimed.

"It is not like that, you know that I love you!" He said.

"Oh, well, answer me this, how many drinks does it take for you to love me? How drunk do you have to be to climb into my bed and make love to me? Huh?" I demanded. He didn't answer. "Sean may be a philander or whatever else, but he didn't have to be sloppy drunk to want to be with me or to find me attractive, and it felt good." I exclaimed. "And if I want to fuck him or anybody else here, it is no longer your concern!" I said angrily.

"You are my concern!" He exclaimed.

I took a deep breath, "I know that I hurt you first and that was the foundation for all of these problems, but I can't do this with you anymore. I love you but I won't play these games, are we together, are you coming back," I paused, "I'll make it easy for you, it's over." I exclaimed.

Acknowledgement:

I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge the recent surges of natural disasters that have torn across the United States, resulting in the deaths of at least 37 people.

I would also, like to acknowledge the three teenagers who lost their lives in Ohio. In a time when these types of senseless tragedies are common, it is still a horrible reality to face.

I want to express my sympathies to anyone who may have been impacted by these unfortunate events. Life is unpredictable and often too short, which is why I encourage everyone to love themselves and appreciate what they have. Be safe.

Appreciation:

Special thanks to Oscar, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Adolfo, Khalid, Gary, Vern, Fred, Joseph, Lou, Shawn, Bill, Raziya, Tom, JT and Mikal for their support, and everyone who has taken the time to follow this story, I really appreciate you all.

Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.

Let Me Know:

Please, forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com.