Sleepy Days

Sleepy Days, Come No More

Chapter 17

I had entered my final month at the clinic. My therapy sessions had become much more productive. We still talked about my childhood but we had also started to incorporate current issues, namely my relationship with Blake. On this day I attended my session with Dr. Meltzer.

We greeted one another and took our seats.

"So how do you feel today?" He asked.

"I feel pretty good actually." I said.

"Today I would like to focus on your relationship with Blake. I know he has come up in other sessions but I want to give this matter more attention." He said.

"Okay, where should we start?" I asked.

"Why don't you tell me how you feel about him?" He said.

"I love Blake, he is kind and caring. He makes me laugh, he is smart." I paused. "I remember there was this guy in high school that I had a crush on. He was so handsome. He was on the basketball team and was a merit scholar, super popular, the perfect guy. That is what Blake is to me. He is just too perfect. The kind of guy that you never expect to be with." I said.

"Too perfect?" He asked.

"I know that no one is perfect, but so far he seems to be." I said.

"Have you told him about your past?" He inquired.

"Well, not exactly, I cited it in the letter I wrote him." I explained.

"The letter that you wrote before you came here?" He asked.

"Yes." I said.

"If you love Blake and he is as great as you say, why didn't you confide in him?" He asked.

"I don't know." I paused. "I have just been trained to keep secrets, especially this one." I admitted.

"You were trained?" He inquired

"One time when my parents were fighting, I must have been about seven, I called the police. They had put on a presentation at school informing us about how we should call the police if we needed help. I knew that my dad would be pissed but I thought that maybe if the police came they would stop fighting." I said.

"What happened?" He asked.

"I got a whipping and was advised that the things that happen in our house stay in our house." I explained. "So, you see keeping secrets was one of my first lessons." I said.

"Was that the only reason?" He asked.

"He looks at me like I'm something special, like I'm some pure being he needs to protect. My father used to look at me like that," I sighed, "I just didn't want to give him a reason to look at me differently." I confessed.

"Do you think that he would leave you because you were molested?" He asked.

"Honestly, I expect everyone to leave me, which is why I avoid these kinds of situations." I said.

"These kinds of situations?" He inquired.

"You know co-dependency, I get uncomfortable if a person on the bus speaks to me on a regular basis, like oh this is becoming too much." I laughed.

"Why is that?" He asked.

"Even when you speak to a person on the bus, then there is a kind of expectation. You are expected to speak to them; they are expected to speak to you. If they aren't on the bus for a few days you might think has something happened to them? Are they okay? You know it is just an unnecessary complication. That is why this thing with Blake has come as such a surprise, it is unlike me." I said.

"How is it unlike you?" He asked.

"Well, I wouldn't have expected to become involved with someone so quickly. I mean we were active pretty soon in the relationship, not penetrative, but other things." I explained.

"How long do you think is appropriate?" He inquired.

"I don't know, I mean we went all the way," I blushed, "after about six months, I know that other people may move faster than that, but I never expected to." I said.

"How long did you expect to wait?" He probed.

"Honestly, I hadn't given it much thought. Before Blake it was a non-issue. I wanted to have sex on one hand, but was afraid on the other." I confessed.

"Afraid?" He asked.

"I was afraid of how I might feel. I was afraid that it might be traumatic for me. I mean I had not been with anyone but my uncle, and that was horrible, I always felt so dirty and cheap afterwards. So, I wanted to be with someone but had accepted a life of celibacy." I said.

"What about masturbation?" He asked.

"Yes, doctor, I masturbate. I have been masturbating since I was about 12 or 13, after I had my first penis cramp." I said with a laugh.

"Penis cramp?" He asked.

I smiled, "Yes, my father had me join a football team; you know to make a man of me. I got the occasional charlie horse, so when I experienced my first erection, while watching a love scene between Rue Mcclanahan and Patrick Duffy, which is embarrassing within itself, I thought it was a cramp." I laughed. "I was so scared. I thought it might burst or fall off. And it hurt so bad, it was throbbing, but I was too embarrassed to tell anyone so I started to massage it, like I would my leg. The friction between my bare hand and my cock made it impossible to continue so I decided to soothe the burning feeling with lotion and, well you can imagine the rest. It became my new after school activity." I said.

"How do you feel when you masturbate, aside from the physical, the emotional? He asked.

"I don't remember how I felt the first time, but as far back as I can remember, my orgasm would be immediately followed by shame and just this feeling of sickening vulnerability, like a violation. The same way I felt with my uncle." I explained.

"I see. How does Blake respond after, I mean does he comment on your reaction?" He asked.

"It varies; I mean sometimes I feel really bad but others I can kind of push through the discomfort. I think when he knew that I felt strange afterwards, he would ask me how I felt or comment on how I seemed upset." I said.

"Well, that is a common issue among sexual abuse victims, but we have gotten a little of track, I want us to talk more about your issues with intimacy." He said.

"Intimacy?" I asked.

"Yes, back to the difficulty you have with establishing relationships, even on a casual level." He explained.

"Okay." I said.

"You said that you don't like being dependent on others, could you elaborate?" He asked.

"I mean it is pretty simple, I just don't want to be dependent on anyone else, it just takes too much control out of my hands. You know." I said.

"Control that has been a recurrent issue in our sessions." He observed.

"Yes." I acknowledged.

"Well, are you willing to sacrifice potential happiness or companionship for control?" He asked.

I took a deep breath and thought for awhile, "I don't know." I said.

"I think that you should think about that, because until you are willing to open up and give up some control, I don't think that you will be able to have a healthy relationship." He said.

Our session continued for about a half an hour. After the session I went to my room and took a shower. I had taken a shower the night before, but having water running over my body always seemed to relax me and help me think. I thought about the things Dr. Meltzer had said, and I knew they were true. I mean most of the things that he said I already knew, it was just hearing someone else say them made them more real, harder to hide.

After my shower I went to my art class, followed by a meditation session. Then I had dinner with Cassie, Ricky, and Chuck. It was Cassie's last week, so she was feeling a little nervous but excited too. We spent the rest of the evening playing cards and pool together.

The end of the week came and it was Cassie's last day. They gave a modest farewell party with cake and punch. Everyone who attended wished her good luck. Ricky and I gave individual speeches about how she helped each of us during our stay and what a wonderful person she was. After the party we hugged and exchanged email addresses so we could keep in touch. I was actually sad about her departure; I knew I was going to miss her.

My last few sessions had focused on my fear of intimacy and abandonment. The sessions were going well but it is easier to talk about change than to actually put it into action. I wanted to implement some of the things that we discussed while I was still at the facility. So, I tried to become friendlier with the other clients, it was easy enough, I mean I talk to people all the time, but it was something.

I was two weeks into my final month, and I was feeling pretty weird about it. I mean on one hand I was ready to go home and get back to work, but I had become sort of used to the place.

This afternoon Chuck and I had lunch together and then attended our sexual abuse group. As usual we started with the affirmation that we were not at fault for our abuse and that we were worthy of love and happiness. Then one of the newer clients stood and told their story. It was a sad story, but all the stories were sad.

The moderator was just about to transition from the period of sharing personal stories, to the part where we discuss different ways to overcome and manage our life post abuse. When, suddenly I felt compelled to share my own story. I don't know why but I felt as though I should. So, I stood and said my name, though everyone already knew it and recited my story.

I wish I could say that it was some type of amazing experience, but in truth it was awkward, but I was glad I did it. It was not as horrible as I thought it would be. The next couple of weeks went by rather quickly, my last day was impending. I had written Blake to tell him I was coming home and had informed Marie.

During my last days I had to arrange for after care with a therapist in my city. There were also surveys about how I felt regarding my stay and how I would rate the treatment. My last session with Dr. Meltzer was sort of a review of all we had covered and reassertion of the things that I still needed to work on. He wished me the best and I wished him the same.

Since I was leaving in the morning, I had a farewell gathering the evening before my departure. It was nice. Many of the clients from my abuse group came, and clients from my art and meditation courses attended also. Everyone was wishing me well and encouraging me to keep working at being my best self, which was one of the facility mottos.

Ricky and Chuck gave little speeches in my honor, and so did this girl from my art class. I didn't even know her name but she said that I had helped her be strong and hopeful with my friendly smile. That was funny I mean I had been smiling a lot in the last month, but I never thought that it would really affect anyone else.

That night I went for a walk on the beach with Chuck and Ricky. We talked about everything and nothing at all. We told each other about our hopes and dreams, from being rich and famous, to just having someone to love us and being happy. We walked barefoot in the sand and let the tide sweep past our naked feet.

Then we lay in the sand and looked up at the star filled sky, without speech. That night I slept better than I had expected. I woke up, took a shower, and ate breakfast with Chuck and Ricky. I packed my things and went to the front desk to retrieve the belongings that had been confiscated.

Chuck and Ricky sat with me while I waited for my taxi. When it arrived we hugged and promised to keep in touch. Marie and Blake had both offered to pick me up from the clinic but I decided to take the bus. I wanted to leave as I had come. Besides I thought the ride would give me time to think and relax before returning home.

I arrived at my place late that afternoon. It was strange returning to my apartment. It was surreal. I unpacked my suitcase and took a shower. I stripped the bed and changed the sheets. I opened the windows and checked my emails and messages. I went through my mail and sorted it.

I was in the kitchen preparing to cook dinner, something that I had not done in three months, when I heard the door open. I left the kitchen to see who had come in; I knew that it was probably Blake. He walked in and didn't notice me standing there initially.

"Hello, Blake." I paused. "You look good." I paused. "I missed you." I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him, but he didn't return the gesture.

"I missed you too." Blake said as he pulled away from my embrace.

"Are you hungry? I was going to cook something." I said.

"No. I'm not hungry." He said dryly.

"Blake, I know you must be upset with me, but" I paused, "can't we talk about it." I asked.

"Yeah, I wanted to talk about it weeks ago, but there was no one to talk to." He said bluntly.

"I know you may not agree with my decision or the way I went about it, but I was not strong enough to tell you. I thought you would try to talk me out of it." I said.

"You needed some help; I wouldn't have tried to interfere with that, I would have helped you find a therapist here." He exclaimed.

"But I needed to leave. Can you say that you wouldn't have tried to convince me to stay?" I asserted.

"Of course I wanted you to stay I love you, but you didn't even give me the chance, you made the decision that affected both of our lives alone, and told me that you were leaving through a letter, after we made love." He said.

"I love you too, that is why I planned the weekend, so it could be special. I wanted us to be together before I left," I paused, "I thought it would bind us together, I thought it would strengthen our relationship." I exclaimed.

"Well, it worked. It was amazing, I never felt so connected with anyone, and then I woke up to an empty bed." He said.

"That must have been extremely painful." I paused. "I am not proud of what I did, I just didn't know how else to do it." I exclaimed.

He looked in my eyes, and said, "If you had to leave, then you had to leave, but you kept a secret from me that impacted our relationship," he paused, "when we decided to move forward together, we agreed that we would be honest with one another. You broke that agreement." He said.

"I know, I wasn't completely honest with you, I wanted to be, but" I was interrupted.

"But you didn't trust me. You didn't have enough faith in me or our relationship, or my love for you to be up front with me." He paused. "What happened to you was terrible, I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for you, but I wish you could have allowed me to share it with you, to support you." He exclaimed.

"You're right, I didn't trust your love, I was afraid." I confessed. "I told you when we started that I was damaged, that I was troubled," I paused, "everyone in my life who was supposed to love me and protect me, betrayed me. I became accustomed to bad treatment; sometimes I even believed that I deserved it." I explained.

I began to cry. "When, you came into my life and treated me like I was special, like I was worthy of love, it felt good and I wanted to trust that and I did, but there was always that doubt. Does he really love you, is he trying to get something from you, or is there something wrong with him, because why else would he be with you." I exclaimed.

"I have spent the last 20 years of my life sad and depressed. Becoming more and more withdrawn as time went on. I used sleep, television, school, and work to cope, to try to fill the emptiness that was inside of me. Then I started to fill that hole with you." I wiped my eyes.

"I wish that I was better when we met, that we could have had a different set of circumstances, but it didn't work out that way. I love you Blake and I didn't go away just for my benefit, but for the good of our relationship too. You deserved my complete love and trust, and I was unable to give those things to you before, but now I believe I can." I professed.

His eyes had become glassy, "I don't know. I love you so much and I've missed you, so when I see you standing here I want to hold you and be with you, but it still hurts. I know that you had your reasons for what you did, and they were good reasons, but it still hurts." He exclaimed.

I wiped his eyes, "I know. It is too much to deal with all at once." I sighed. "But we both missed each other and want to be together, so let's be together tonight. I'll cook dinner, we can watch a movie, and we can just enjoy tonight and see how we feel tomorrow." I suggested.

"Alright." Blake agreed.

He let me hug him. I stood there and held him for a while. It felt good to be close to him again, to smell that spicy-woody scent that I loved so much. We stood there for a few minutes, and then I went and started dinner.

We ate dinner and watched a movie. It felt a little strange, like neither of us wanted to upset the other. He talked about one of the children he had been working with at the community center, and I praised his efforts. During our talk Blake laid his head in my lap and let me stroke his face with my hand.

Later, we took a shower together. I cleaned him and he cleaned me. Then we went to bed. He lay on the left side and I lay on the right. We didn't speak or touch. The silence was so heavy, it was almost suffocating me. I turned to Blake and said, "I love you, and I want to touch you. I want you to touch me too."

He didn't speak, so I turned on my side and tried to go to sleep. As I began to drift off I felt Blake's arm drape across my body. He pulled me in tight to him and began to kiss my neck. "I love you too baby." He said as he kissed my ear and his hair fell across my neck.

He ran his hand down my abdomen and into my crotch. He took me in his strong hand and began to stroke. A jolt surged through me as my cock hardened. Blake turned me onto my back and pressed his lips against mine. Next, he licked my armpits and worked my nipples between his teeth. He ran his tongue from my chest to my crotch. Then he took my cock in his mouth.

I moaned as he lifted and lowered his head. I was dizzied by the attention. Then, while sucking my cock, he brought two of his fingers to my lips and pushed them into my mouth. I suck both fingers thoroughly. He pulled his fingers from my mouth and inserted them in my ass one by one. I squealed as he worked his fingers in and out of my hole.

Then, Blake moistened the perimeter of my opening with his tongue. I moaned, as he continued to work me. I closed my eyes and consumed wave after wave of pleasure. Then he slid his hot tongue into my hole, and I moaned. I lost my ability to breathe, as my body trembled. I tweaked my nipple as he continued to explore me.

Suddenly, he withdrew his tongue from me, I opened my eyes and I clenched my hole in response to the withdrawal. Blake rose up on his knees and lubed his cock with saliva. He spread my legs and positioned my body. I closed my eyes and held my breath in preparation. I felt him pressing against my hole, and then he slowly entered. I gasped and bit my lip.

Blake continued to push into me, until he was completely absorbed into my body. I released a deep guttural moan as a sharp pain shot through me. I felt the weight of him resting upon my prostate and pressing against my stomach. He lowered his body onto mine as he allowed me to adjust to his presence. He licked and kissed my neck. I felt him twitch inside me and moaned.

Blake rose upon his arms and began to slowly extract himself; I tightened around him in response to the vacancy. He moaned deeply, and pushed back inside of me. Blake continued this process pulling further out each time and slowly pushing back in.

The pain became more subtle as Blake rubbed his thick cock against my prostate. My body was burning and my cock was dripping. Blake continued his slow penetration. It felt so good having him inside me, I couldn't get enough, I began to push toward him, as I stroked my own throbbing cock.

Blake leaned down and pressed his lips against mine, and invaded my mouth with his tongue. I released my cock and gripped the back of his head with my hands. He broke my grasp and rose back up on his arms and began to furiously thrust in and out of me. His breathing became ragged as sweat dripped from his face.

I could feel the pressure rise in my balls and I wanted relief. I reached down and began to tug, I was getting so close. Blake removed my hand from my cock, and then took hold of both of my wrists and pinned them against the bed. The temperature in my ass spiked as Blake increased the speed of his strokes.

I couldn't hold on any longer, my body tensed and my toes curled as I sprayed hot cum all over my chest. Blake's breathing became more labored as he began to thrust in and out of me at a rapid pace. I writhed beneath him, as my body still processed the waves of pleasure that my orgasm caused.

He told me to look at him. We looked in each other's eyes as he continued to vigorously work my ass. He clasped his fingers through mine as he let out a loud heavy moan. His entire body shook as I felt him fill me with warm, thick cum. His cock continued to pulsate inside me as he collapsed onto my sweaty body.

I lay there on my back with Blake inside me, as the heat of his body singed my skin and for a while, everything stopped. There was no sense of time, space, or reality. There was nothing but Blake and I, our love, no pain, no sorrow.

Eventually, Blake removed himself from me. He took me in his arms, and it was just like it had been before. I drifted off to sleep, still in his grasp.

I was awakened early in the morning by a rustling sound. I opened my eyes and Blake was getting dressed. "Baby, why are you up? It is still early?" I asked.

Blake continued getting dressed, "I need to get home." He said.

"Why?" I asked.

"I just need to think." He said.

"Think, you can't think here?" I asked.

"I need to be alone." He said.

"Why aren't you looking at me? Look at me." I climbed out of bed and walked over to him. I looked into his emerald eyes, "A few hours ago you told you loved me, and we made love. It was great." I paused. "Don't leave baby, I want you to stay." I pleaded.

"Steve, I do love you, and making love to you was incredible, but our problems are still here and I just need to think about how I feel." He exclaimed.

"I know, well we had last night." I paused. "I will give you some time." I said.

Blake left. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't find any peace. My mind kept replaying my decisions, were they right? Had I pushed Blake too far? Would he ever forgive me?

The next day I had lunch with Marie. We met at a restaurant near the hospital. After we were seated and placed our orders we began to talk.

"How did it go with Blake?" Marie asked with trepidation.

"I don't know. It was tense, he was upset with me. We started to talk, but it was too soon." I paused. "So, I suggested that we put aside our problems and just enjoy each other." I said.

"How did that go?" She asked.

"Well, I cooked dinner, we watched a movie, and we talked." I paused. "Then, we, you know." I said with a smile.

"Oh, well that is good." She exclaimed.

"It was great, but he left early in the morning, the sky was still black." I confessed.

"How did that make you feel?" She asked with concern.

"Honestly, it made me feel cheap." I paused. "After being with someone, you feel open and vulnerable, so when they leave, it just exasperates those feelings." I paused. "But I understand his position." I said.

"Yeah, that can be rough." She said.

"I probably shouldn't have hopped into bed with him, I mean I love him and he looked so good, and I missed him," I paused, "I guess I hoped that if we were together that maybe it would fix things in some way." I said.

"Well, you did what you felt was best at the time, don't be too hard on yourself." She encouraged.

"Yeah, I guess I will just have to give it some time. Things seem to become clearer after a little time." I smiled.

Our food arrived. We ate and continued to talk about my relationship and hers, as well as our jobs. After lunch I returned to work. It went by rather quickly, though from time to time my mind would drift to Blake and I had to refocus my attention.

After work I went home.

Acknowledgement:

I would like to thank Fred, who consulted me regarding alternative therapy techniques, one of which was role playing, the technique that I utilized in the previous chapter. I just want to take the time to acknowledge his input, because it created a great opportunity for character exploration and helped expedite the clinical experience. Thanks Fred.

Special thanks to Oscar, Arch, Clayton, Jake, Ed, Khalid, Gary, Vern, Fred, Joseph, Lou, JT and Mikal for their support, and all of the people who have taken the time to comment, you all have made this a more enjoyable experience for me.

Sincerest thanks to Nifty and all of the wonderful participants who make this site possible, from the generous donors to the archivists and administrators, you all are truly appreciated.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think, please forward any comments or feedback to bonotorros@yahoo.com.