Chapter Nine: Diary Entries of a Sane Mad-Girl
September 4, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
Hello my dear old friend. It seems like your running thin on pages. I guess then we'll have to give you a face-lift soon. Your hard leather cover served you well in the place we met, but now I think it's time to shine a new light on you. I guess we'll have to talk about when the time comes.
I've been hearing His voice a lot recently, over the last couple of days in particular. I think it has something to do with that Brittany girl. She came into the store a couple days ago to talk to Roger. I guess whatever it was they talked about scared her something awful because I haven't seen her since. He reminds me that it has to do with the eyes that place gave me and how despicable and hideous I look, but I disagree. We had an argument that night about it, but I couldn't convince Him to see my point-of-view, just like always. Roger himself still hasn't discussed with me the contents of their conversation. Come to think of it, he hasn't said a single word to me since then. Trust me Illitor, He has His own thinking because of it. No matter how hard I try, He always seems to make me feel worse for thinking the way I do. Which reminds me, I feel compelled to tell you about the last couple of nights and the time He spent with me.
I was walking through a corridor of a dank and dismal building. This place is dark and damp; the only way I know it to be a hallway is a light from afar bouncing off the walls. It reminded me so much of that Hell I grew up in, but even an untrained eye and nose could tell you that it was a different place. I walked and walked down this corridor from sun-up to sundown, it never ended. I spent many hours in this place searching for something my brain could not comprehend until I found it. At the end of this corridor was the origin of the small light coming through some window slot, much like those of my old room. Suddenly, fear took hold of my heart and every good instinct I have told me to turn around and walk away; however, my curiosity got the better of me. Cautiously I maintained my slow but steady pace towards the light's point of origin. I felt compelled to hide my fear to peer inside. At that moment I didn't want to look inside, but I had to.
I looked inside to Him standing in front of my Sarah berating her about something I couldn't hear. He has an intent expression on His face and she has her face in her hands, crying her eyes out. Anger replaced fear, hatred replaced sorrow. No one yells at my Sarah like that without having to pay for it; though I can't hear His words they attack my very essence. I feel my anger rise and rise with every passing moment I watch His verbal abuse of her. I seem to be watching for a long while, the whole time neither one knows I'm standing on the other side of the door. I want to enter, but hand has a will of its own to remain at my side. Back and forth He walks in front of my beloved, pointing His spiny, grotesque finer in her face. His angered demeanor is unwavering. Finally, after nearly an hour of watching Him berate my beloved Sarah I feel my arm begin to rise. As my hand touched the handle of the door, I hear His voice telling me to enter. My eyes shot up at Him through
the window once again and He's looking right at me when before he never paid me any mind.
The door flew open by itself as I didn't push on it and they were too far away to have done so. In fact, it happened so quickly I knew that door had in fact opened by the gust of air and the noise it made on impact of the wall. Before my brain could comprehend what just happened, I stood before Him in the open doorway. I walked slowly, watching Him the whole time, to the chair beside my beloved Sarah. She stopped crying by now which made me wonder just how long I'd been standing in the open doorway. He told Sarah to leave us in a voice that made me hate Him even more. As she did, my Sarah didn't so much as look at me before she disappeared into the darkness of the hallway.
"Welcome back, Amanda," He says to me in a calm, concerned tone. "It's been a long time, has it not?"
"Why were you yelling at Sarah?" I inquired sternly. I know He can see the anger glowing from my eyes, but He remains steadfast to His demeanor.
"She is no longer yours," He says in the same voice, which is making my skin crawl. "We consummated our love for each other long before you arrived."
"The hell you did!" I yelled at Him. "Sarah doesn't love you! She loves me and only me. How dare you touch her like that?"
"Oh yes she does, Amanda. She told me so. She begged me to take her in this very office. She removed her clothing on her own accord and then eagerly removed mine..."
"Stop it," I begged, but to deaf ears.
"Once we had the essentials out of the way, she laid herself down on the desk and spread her weak legs open for me..."
"Stop!" I can feel the tears coming down my cheeks by this point.
"I needn't force them open. She wanted me inside of her. She told me, no, rather she begged me to fuck her to get rid of what you put inside of her."
"STOP!"
"Does the truth annoy you so?" His cynical grin is unwavering and His tone is always so calm yet cold. I only wish I can see more of His face other than this smile of His. "Do you think she was crying because she felt guilty? No. She was crying out of the joy of getting rid of her last memory of you."
"Shut your fucking mouth, god damn it! Sarah would never do that to either one of us. She hates men, those that are cruel to me in particular. There is no way she would want you to violate her with your venom." I want to get out of this chair and kill Him with my bare hands on His throat. I want to feel His breath on my cheek and His heart stop beating as His life leaves Him, but I cannot move my body. Nothing but my tears and mouth are free to move. No matter how hard I struggle, nothing will enable me to kill this thing before me.
"What's the matter Amanda?" He asks, laughing at my pain. "You want me dead. Well, my dear girl, you don't understand the whole picture. You and I are connected in more ways than one. Either we both die or neither dies and I wish to live for a while longer yet."
"I want to die." This is all I manage to get out before my emotions get the better of me. As my head leans forward, the hold on my right arm releases and I manage to cup my face. After a short silence, He let's me continue. "Just let me die now. If I don't have Sarah, I have nothing."
"You have me," He said smiling at His own realization. "You will always have me. Sarah was weak and a horrible fuck to boot. Why do you think I was yelling at her? She couldn't even get me off. I had to pull out and jack off all over her body and she laughed in our moment of revelry. Sarah enjoyed feeling my essence being dumped on her tits and face. I only wish you could have joined in the fun."
"Damn it, shut up with that," I manage to get through the misery bombarding my brain. "Sarah does not like men. That's why she chose me to be her bride those many months ago."
"Don't kid yourself, Amanda," He said looking at me square in the eye. His smile was but a trace of what it was a moment ago, but His ego is still at it's pinnacle. I can feel it in His aura as He gets up and walks around to the front of His desk. "Amanda, Sarah is now dead to you. Stop torturing yourself with thoughts of her and let her memory fade away."
"You unimaginable bastard," I said feeling my courage creep out of nowhere to being at my side once again. "Sarah is still alive and well and nothing is going to make me stop thinking of her."
"Look for yourself," He said pointing to the door.
The hold on my body made me turn around to see the door still open but the space was occupied by more than what I will ever want to see. Sarah is standing in the open doorway as I left her at the asylum. Her body was cut and her throat was slashed. Blood is pouring from all of her wounds, the smell of death seeped from her mouth. Her lips moved with the words of "I'm sorry" rather than what she told me when she died. The grizzly site of her corpse standing there, watching me, was enough to make my stomach turn. Her lifeless eyes, all that blood, the smell of death and the evil laugh from Him did me in. Before I can spin back around, I bent over the side of the chair and threw up what little I had to give. All that did was add to the profane nature of the room and I continued to vomit until there was nothing left to give.
"All of this will be avoided if you let her leave your thoughts," He said leaning over me, rubbing my back.
"I will never stop thinking about my Sarah," I said hell-bent on making Him see things my way, "but there is one more that does take a part of my thoughts."
"Yes, I have seen the way Brittany looks at you," He said scornfully and without care. His evil grin now replaced with a grimace at the mention of her name. "She despises you for what you've become: a hideous monster that will never again speak of either love or hate. In the world she lives in, you cannot even get in so much as an apology before she leaves you standing all alone."
"She was just in shock," I said trying to sway His resolve. "It was the first time she ever saw my face. My face is hideous, but it is not my fault. They made me this way. They poisoned me, they cut me, they raped me. I wished for none of it to happen."
"But you did enjoy it," He said adding to my sorrow. "I saw your face smile when Sgt. Cook or Dr. Jackson fucked you to orgasm. Don't lie to yourself and try to believe it didn't happen."
"Is this true?" I heard Sarah's voice ask, but her apparition was gone. Her voice alone made me question all that I thought I knew. For all those months, she held me close every night when I had another "therapy session". She cried tears for me, rocked me in her arms until I fell asleep.
"It's not true, Sarah, just like I know it's not true that you enjoyed what He did to you," I said summoning the last of my courage. "I love you, Sarah. I always will, no matter what becomes of Brittany."
"Nothing will become of Brittany!" He shouted angrily. "There is nothing for her but the fate of your dead Sarah. Besides, she is the target of more than one's affections."
"Really?" I asked feeling His will loosen. This brought a sinister grin of my own to my lips. "She seems to weaken your resolve. Why is that?"
"She does not," He answered in a hurry. "That little slut will take advantage of you and make you hurt even more than you can imagine. I can't let that happen to my little girl."
He began to stroke my hair, which is completely out of character for Him. It's always here when I wake up to see Roger kneeling next to me in His place. I've had this dream three times. Three times I've walked down that hallway and come upon that room. Three times I had to relive visiting that room where my beloved Sarah was raped. I grow tired of hearing His voice in my head and in my dreams. His haunting presence follows me everywhere. He constantly reminds me of the horrors that place wrought upon me. Illitor, I don't know how much longer I can stand it. It's maddening to think that even for a second I would want to relive this nightmare every night. Illitor, what am I missing? He never disturbed me so when Sarah was alive. He was there, yes, but not as this tangible being. He could never touch me before, but He can now. I'm completely at a loss for words to explain how. What's different this time, Illitor?
Thinking on what's become different, the other dream that's been playing in my mind is so similar but so different. It's the same room but the air is thick with the disgusting odor of semen and sweat like after one of the many one-girl-orgies of which I was the guest of honor. Yet again I am forced to feel them all ejaculating on my naked skin and laughing at their own enjoyment and my misery. That flavor of salty bitterness will never leave my mind's tongue. It's these details that are different: instead of the guards being the ones all around me, it's the inmates and Sarah's and Brittany's voices are cheering them on. I look up to see their happy, orgasmic expressions while their voices are drowned out by the sounds of my beloved and Brittany. I hear them cheering even louder when one of them releases their poison on my naked flesh.
I don't understand any of it. Why would they do that to me? Why would my memories betray the love I have for Sarah? Do you think it's He that's playing a trick on my most humiliating memories of my short and pitiful life? Thinking back on it, I only wish it was me that met the end of that blade instead of Sarah. It may be selfish, or evil to think, but she was lucky to have died that day instead of living with the memories of what we went through. Death would be a good friend to know, but sadly he remains a stranger to me. He reminds me day and night of His will to live and makes sure my courage fails every time I put the knife to my wrist. Illitor, as much as it would sadden me to leave you behind, I want to be with my Sarah. My protector. My lover. My best friend. My wife. Why does my courage betray me every time I try to join her? I know you can't answer that, but an answer, any answer, would be nice.
Well, my old friend, it's getting late and that Hell I call my dreams beckons me once again. Thank you for always being here for me. I hope I can find you a suitable new face in the near future. Good night, my dear.
Love, Amanda
September 5, 2154
Dearest Illitor,
It seems that even as I begin to write this entry that you are getting closer to the end of you days in your present body. I know just yesterday I said the same thing, but I find it funny. When we first met I thought I'd never see the day that I wrote in your final pages. I remember the day I found you, or you found me I don't know which, sitting as an empty journal on the dust-covered shelves of the old library. You were leaning against the divider and I looked past you twice looking for some old books on twentieth century history. I searched to no avail and then I bumped the divider and you fell to the floor next to my foot. I remember looking down at you for a long moment. I kept thinking to myself just how you managed to move from the position you were in to moving the ten inches required for you to fall with such a simple nudge. I finally bent over and looked you over carefully. I caressed you in my arms, running my finger tips over your hard leather cover. I
untied the small leather laces and flipped through your pages one-by-one until I at last reached the other cover. The entire time I looked at your blank pages I distinctly remember feeling a connection to you. To this day I have no idea why, but in that moment I decided to take you as my own and tell you everything there is to know about me. Now, all these years and three homes later are we still together. The many conversations we've had over the years have been well documented within you, my friend. You have preserved our memory and that of Sarah's so that anyone who reads these words will know of our miserable and mundane existence as Sarah and I lived it.
That reminds me: the dream I had last night was just as much pleasant as it was confusing. Sarah and I live happily together in our own house. Everything about our lives together reminds me of those precious moments we shared those nights in our cell. We hold each other every night as we lay in our bed, but something is amiss. We make love with all the passion of the world. Oh, my body's tingling at the thought of it. Our love is consummated over and over. This is the paradise we always talked about during our long nights of weeping and sorrow. Each night as my head lays upon her breasts, there's an unmistakable scent that is foreign to Sarah's body. I can't place it even though it comforts me until I fall asleep listening to Sarah's heartbeat.
It's here when I woke, I had a cold sweat running down my face. The vision of Brittany's horrified expression burned its way to the forefront of my mind. All I can see is that unimaginable fear, just the same look I probably had on my face when I saw Sarah get killed. When something of that magnitude hits you so suddenly, your brain will go numb rather than realize; it will quit to make your heart make the decision for you. I ran my hand over my face and stopped when I got to my eyes. I felt around my cheeks, desperately wanting a mirror in which to see myself. In was in this moment that I realized, even without seeing, it that my face wore the same expression as the day I last heard Sarah's true voice. He tried to speak to me, but for the first time in my life I managed to turn a deaf ear to Him. Illitor, do you think Brittany herself has anything to do with it or is it just the thought of her? All during the day when I played outside, yes even in the heavy rain, I
kept that sight etched into my mind's eye, if nothing else, to keep His voice out of my head.
I didn't see her come by the store yet again; truth be told, only a few made their way to Roger's store. One of them I recognized from the first time I ever heard Brittany's voice since my release. I heard her talking to someone and from the sound of their voices it wasn't a very warm conversation. I recognized the other voice as belonging to Brittany's friend from that fateful day when she saw me unmasked. Because of the heavy rain and Inikye's song, I couldn't hear every detail but what I did hear did not sit well with either of them. For the longest while it seemed it was a mindless argument about people. For some reason they remain just outside the door without going inside; I'd like to think it's because of me and Inikye but I shouldn't think so highly of myself. They spoke, I played. Two songs Inikye sang before I heard the magic word: "Brittany". It was the only time in our small-lived career that either one us missed a note. They looked at me, but I played it
off without missing a beat, besides I think they thought it was because of the rain anyway. They continued their berating of each other, which was getting more and more heated. I heard them calling each other names that even I felt a shot of pain from--I haven't heard those words since my release.
Inikye finished his song and we went inside; those two girls weren't far behind me. It was like they wanted me to listen to their argument. I went to Roger's office and sat down at his computer. Even through the door, the two of them wanted me to hear their hateful words of each other. For the better part of a ten minutes, I heard them carry on and on. It was here when I finally heard their names: "Kayla" and "Tina", I guess I missed that part earlier. What set me off at that point was when both of them claimed to "be in love with Brittany". I know not why but I threw my fists upon the desk, making the pictures and nic-nacs fall to the floor. I stormed to the door, not paying attention to the fact that silence prevailed on the other side.
I opened the door and no one stood on the other side. I saw the two girls walking down the aisle of books to the left and they disappeared around the corner. I tried to give chase, but they were out of the store before I could catch up. I stood facing the door for some time contemplating why I was so disturbed by the fact that they both "love Brittany". I thought and thought, but could not find any connection between the three of them, other than Brittany herself is somehow involved. I'd seen her with both them here in the store but how those two knew each other was beyond my reach. That's when I smiled-- Brittany is one popular girl.
I was sitting on my bed upstairs watching some TV by the time Roger came up with Chinese takeout in his hands. During dinner he made no mention of Brittany or of their latest conversation. Come to think of it, he didn't talk about much of anything. After dinner, we went about our usual business until we both we sitting on the couch watching television. I could take it no longer. I tugged on his sleeve to get his attention and wrote on my notepad "Brittany?"
He looked right at me, "What about her?"
I let out a sigh before writing, "You tell me!" I could tell the look on my face scared him.
"Well she got to hear me yell at Dr. Jackson," he said very evenly.
"And?" I wrote.
"And she got to hear how much we hate that woman," he answered a bit agitated. "She also got to say that you were locked up for hearing 'His' voice. Don't worry, I didn't say anything more on the subject, but I did mention that you can't speak because of what happened to you in there. Even I get upset about it. You know, Amanda, I wish you wouldn't have told me half that shit."
I was getting a bit irritated by this point. "Then what?"
"Then she said she had to leave," he said looking at the TV, then over at me. "I don't know why, but she got up and left. She told me that her last name is Williams before closing the door though. Does that ring any bells? Brittany Williams?"
I smiled at him. "Yes". We spent the rest of the time in silence. I thought back to the last time I saw here with my old eyes. For two years she seemed so vibrant and alive, but that day she seemed to be a different person. Something about the air about her felt... different. To this day I don't know why, but she carried a sad disposition on that day. Thinking back on it, her cheeks were so flush and alive but that day she gave off an aura of sadness. I don't know why I remember such a detail. Maybe it marked as the first time I took an interest to girls and my brain won't let me forget it. Or maybe it's because I thought of her as a friend, even though I never really talked to her, and thought she could use a hug. Whatever the reason, I'm still puzzled by that sad disposition she carried that day. I never saw her again until recently, but that was out of both our hands.
Well, my old friend, it looks like tomorrow we will be getting you that face-lift. I still haven't yet decided on what to get you. I was thinking something not as "old fashioned" like your current face. We'll see. Goodnight old friend.
Love, Amanda
Chapter Ten: Late Night Confession
Brittany sat silently at the kitchen table. Her head locked in place by the ominous look in her eyes. Her mother was next to the stove getting dinner ready and humming all the while. Brittany's petrified expression held its sway on her face and emotions alike. The vision of Amanda's face kept creeping up on her like a returning fever that no medicine could clear. Brittany continued thinking back to that moment when she looked right into them and saw Death coming. It hit her in a place well traveled to, but never reached. All of the painful memories from her preteen years came back with renewed vigor. Brittany continued to stare at the wall as her mother brought dinner to the table.
"You O.K. honey," she asked finally realizing her daughter's blankness.
"Yeah, mom," she answered coming back to reality, "I'm fine. That smells good!"
"Brittany, you've been really quiet lately," her mother said as they dug into their food. "Would you mind telling me why? Normally when you come home from winning a tournament I can't get you to shut up, but know you're the exact opposite."
"I said I'm fine mom," she answered feeling her face going pale. "I've just got a lot of things on my mind."
"Like what?" her mother asked trying to keep her talking.
"Like stuff that only I need to worry about," Brittany felt herself getting more and more angry for some reason. Her tone was rising with disdain and her heart began to speed up.
"Brittany don't start this again," her mother pleaded rather than argued. "If you're still upset about Kayla..."
"Stop saying her name!" Brittany yelled, interrupting her. "I'm tired of everyone mentioning her to me. She is a fucking slut and got what she had coming. I don't care about her anymore. Can we please talk about something else?"
"Brittany..." her mother said in disbelief. "I've never heard you speak like that before."
"Maybe if you would have paid more attention when I was younger..."
"How many times do I have to apologize for that?" Now her mother was the one getting angry. She slammed her hands down on the table, making Brittany realize what she just said and how much she wished she didn't. "I can't take back what happened, how much I may want to. All I can do is try to make up for lost time. That's why I took last weekend off to go to your tournament. That's why I took next week off to go with you to 'Hell Week'. I don't mind you venting your anger, but don't you dare try to tell me it's my fucking fault. They died in an accident. There is nothing anyone could have done to save them."
Brittany got up and went over to her now crying mother. She wrapped her arms around her shoulders, joining her in sorrow. "I'm sorry, mom," she managed to get out after a minute. "I don't know why I said that."
"It's O.K. sweetheart," her mom said patting her hand. Brittany let her go and went back to her chair and continued eating.
"Why are you going with us to 'Hell Week' for anyway?" Brittany asked after a long silence. "I don't think you'll like what you will see."
"I'm going because I want to spend time with my daughter," her mother said looking up from her plate. "I didn't get to do much of that before. You have next week off from school and I have some overtime to burn off plus some personal time to use. Why not go?"
"Trust me mom," she said with a bit of humor in her voice, "it's going to be rough. Those that have never been to one, parents and players, will never see it coming. We've got a World Cup tournament to prepare for and if this doesn't get them ready, nothing will."
"I'm going, young lady," her mother quipped harshly, "whether you like it or not."
"O.K.," Brittany answered with that same humor, "but don't say I didn't warn you."
After dinner, Brittany loaded the dishwasher and joined her mother in the living room. They watched some TV for a while making small talk about this and that. The hours passed, the shows passed and it was getting close for everyone's bedtime. As it reached about nine, Brittany got up to answer the phone.
"Hello," she said kindly, but no one answered. "Hello!" to this all she got was someone hanging up the phone. "What the hell?" she said under her breath, putting the phone down. As she retraced her steps to the couch, it rang again. Feeling a bit agitated, she answered trying to hide her anger. "Hello?"
"Brittany!" Tina said louder than she meant to. "Glad you're home."
"Yeah, what's up Tina?" Brittany said through the grimace on her face
"Not much, just wondering what you're doing tonight." Tina's voice sounded a bit rushed, but Brittany didn't pay any mind.
"Nothing really," she answered calmly, "Just watching some TV then going to bed.What's up?"
"I was wondering if was cool if I came over to your house for a while." Tina's hands were shaking and her voice was getting raspy, but Brittany either didn't notice or didn't care.
"Hold on let me ask my mom," Brittany put the phone down. Tina heard her call out to her mom, then silence. She listened as hard as she could for anything to the positive, but could hear nothing. "She says it's cool as long as we don't stay up too late."
"Great!" Tina nearly shouted. "I'll be over soon. Bye, babe."
"Yeah, see ya then, babe," Brittany retorted but held a confused look on her face as she re-entered the living room. She thought it a bit odd that Tina would want to come over this late at night, but on the other hand she was her line captain and it isn't unusual for her teammates wanting to come over. Brittany thought maybe she would ask about next week and what would it be like or something of the sort.
Tina arrived about a half-hour later. She entered the house in a near panic. Her hair was tattered a bit and her face has heavy with make-up. Brittany came up from the basement to investigate the door pounding the wall.
"Tina?" she called quietly out from the stairwell. "You here?"
"Yeah, Brit," she said almost out of breath. "Where are you?"
"Come on down to the basement," she said turning around.
Tina did what her captain told her to do. She walked with heavy steps; she only just realized that Brittany's mom was trying to sleep and her entrance was not of the polite variety. Tina kept looking around the darkened home thinking how much different it seemed. She heard Brittany walking around downstairs, but that did little to sway her nervousness.
Tina finally reached the top of the stairs. She took a deep breath before she started her descent. Every step, every stair seemed harder and louder the farther she went. In the not to far distance, Tina listened to Brittany going about her business, which seemed to be exercising. Tina reached the bottom stair after what seemed like an eternity spent walking.
She looked down the dimly lit hallway to fins the source of the light. The room at the end of the hallway on the left, which Tina knew already to be the exercise/weight room, was alive with light and noise. The distinct glow of a television could be seen in the yellow of the lamp. Tina could hear Brittany moving weights around and she could tell the TV was on, but couldn't make out any words. Tina felt her breathing becoming heavy and her hands began to shake. As if on cue, when her first step hit the floor she heard Brittany call out, "I'm in the weight room, hon," to which Tina could only think 'if only I am'.
Tina picked up her pace after a small block of the ice was broken, but her steps were in a haze. She scarcely remembers even leaving the bottom stair, but Brittany's word were clear as day. Somehow, she reached the doorway at the end of the hall and looked inward. Tina stood there, staring at her captain in all of her glory, laid out on the bench working her arms. Her tight shorts hugged and accented her well toned legs. Any perverted thought of looking any more inside was hindered by the shadow the leggings provided. Brittany's ripped yet flat stomach was topped by her lovely breasts. Her dark hair capped her ample form like an ebony halo. Tina couldn't help but admire her long time friend and captain in all of her sensual glory.
Brittany set the dumbbells on the floor and sat up. Sweat streamed down her reddened face as she smiled at her friend. Brittany's breathing wasn't labored but Tina stared at her chest rise and fall with each breath. Brittany sat there for a second to see if Tina would speak first. "You O.K. Tina?" she asked when her friend didn't say anything.
"Yeah, sorry," Tina said blushing. She didn't want to make her ogling so obvious, but she was caught red-handed. She smiled, "Just in my own little world over here."
"Well, babe, why don't you come in here and sit down," Brittany said smiling. She knew what Tina was looking at and it flattered her that her friend found her at least visually attractive. She could only laugh inwardly at the whole situation. "I'm gonna go upstairs for a second. Do you want anything?"
"No thank you I'm fine," Tina said, still thinking about her near faux pas.
"O.K. just make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back."
"Kay," Tina said, sitting on the couch in front of the TV. She really didn't pay it much attention until she heard the narrator mention her name. Instantly, her attention shifted from why she was here to what was going on in the movie. It was a documentary of a team that she recognized, but couldn't place. The narrator mentioned the Williams family several times, including Brittany's father and brother, but she just couldn't put a finger on it.
Tina didn't realize how long she'd been staring at the television until she heard a noise from the stairwell. As Tina turned her head to look back, she noticed a detail of the room she overlooked before: the wall near the ceiling was covered in different, autographed jerseys from a multitude of teams. Most bore Brittany's father's name while a handful of others had her brother's. Only one in the room had Brittany's name, the Dynasty Entourage jersey that was displayed over the weight-bench. Tina looked at it intently and began to realize that all the rumors about her actually playing for one of the top Division 1 teams were true. When the narrator mentions Brittany's name again, she turned her attention back to the screen.
"It's a documentary of my father's and brother's team," Brittany said from the doorway. The sound of her voice made Tina about jump out of her skin.
After taking a breath, she answered, "Damn it Brit, you scared the shit out of me." The two of them just stared at each other for a minute. Tina noticed that Brittany not only washed up a bit, but also changed into something much less revealing. A cute little pink bunny pajama set complete with fuzzy bunny slippers. Tina smiled, both inward and outwardly, at the vision she beheld.
"Tina?..." Brittany asked, walking into the room. She took a seat next to her friend, who still at a loss for words. "Tina? You O.K.?"
"Yeah," she answered, smiling brightly, "why do you ask?"
"Because you're flaking out on me," she answered sarcastically.
"No I'm not," she answered smirking, trying to play off the fact that she was caught ogling her again. "I just think your outfit is cute as hell. I want clothes like that."
"Sure you do," Brittany said, seeing through the bullshit. "Sorry for taking so long. Took me a while to find some comfortable, clean pajamas."
"It's cool, babe," Tina said, praying for the ice in her head to melt. She changed the subject back to the movie as quickly as she heard "Williams", "So what's the deal with the movie?"
"Like I said, it's a documentary about my father's team," Brittany said looking at the screen. "Monkey-With-A-Gun Productions wanted to film a top level D-3 team on their way to the top. You would recognize them know as the Pro team Philadelphia Assassins."
"Your dad started the Assassins?" Tina asked in honest curiosity.
"Yeah," Brittany said, tearing up at his memory, "My father has been a Pro level player for years and my brother was starting to get into the sport. To make the activity 'a thing for the boys' they started a team called Hell's Dominion and entered about twenty tournaments. They won about fifteen of them their first year. After that, they started an X-Ball team and entered the PSP D-3 series under the same name. After their first event, and win, the 'Monkey guys' came to him with the idea. At the end of their first year as a national level team, they took the Divisional Title and made the bump up to Division 1, completely bypassing D-2. Their main sponsor at the time made them change their name to Redz Soldiers.
"It's here were I came on board. I became the youngest girl to play at the Division One level. There were several magazine articles about it and even a story in the newspaper. After we won the D-1 title that year, I got offers from several teams and my father told me to make the choice for myself. I decided to take up the offer from Dynasty and moved out to So-Cal to play on Entourage. To this day I think it was the decision that saved my life. I stayed in D-1 while I watched my father and brother move up to Semi-Pro. It was here when they changed their name to the Philadelphia Assassins, again at the behest of their sponsors. During one of the trips to Philadelphia for a practice, my dad and brother were killed in a car accident; a car that I would have been in if I stayed on their team."
Brittany had to stop her story to compose herself. Her rule was never let your emotions show to your teammates and that rule was what made her such a strong leader of the team. She turned her head back at the television. The movie was coming up on the end. She watched herself make a final push down the tapeline to close out the point and win the match and the event. Just then a flood of emotions and memories came back to her. Brittany smiled remembering that day and the pride she felt about herself for winning World Cup. All of the media attention she received, all of the pride and love she felt from her family and teammates She remembered her brother and father talking with such respect about her the entire ride home.
"You O.K., Brit," Tina asked concerned. When Brittany didn't say anything, she turned her head to the screen. Brittany was reading what was on the screen and listening to the narrator read the caption. Tina couldn't help but follow suit.
"After winning two World Cups, two divisional titles and countless tournaments in between, the Redz Soldiers seemed unstoppable. Some went so far as to call them the next great dynasty of divisional paintball and no one disputed the claim. The Redz Soldiers became known as the Philadelphia Assassins upon their entry to the Semi-Pro Division in X-Ball, Seven-man and Five-man. When they won the first tournament of the year in X-Ball and Five-man, the rumors and talks were well justified; they were unstoppable. Even with the departure of one of their key players to the Dynasty organization, they played at a level seldom seen. All of that changed on an unusually cold day in March.
"The father-son team that started this new 'dynasty' was tragically killed in a car accident on their way to a practice in Philadelphia. This struck a huge blow to the organization. However, what came out of the wreckage was not the team everyone once knew, but a team that was even more viscous and eager for blood than ever before. That year, the Philadelphia Assassins became the first team in the sport's history to win absolutely every event they entered. Their heart, their determination and their anger was well felt by those that opposed them. To this day, the Assassins play with a furious fervor that is not easily matched.
"This movie is dedicated to the memory of Thomas "The Soldier" Williams and his son Brandon "B-Man" Williams."
By now, Brittany couldn't hold back the tears any longer. She held her face in her hands and just let her emotions come out. Tina leaned over and held her friend. Brittany turned to her, falling right into her caring arms. Brittany couldn't stop thinking about their faces, their smiles, the wisdom they always shared. She thought about the fateful decision that ultimately saved her life, all the while her tears could not stop pouring. Tina tried to comfort her with her embrace and soothing words, but her efforts were in vain.
"I miss them so much," Brittany said crying into her friend's shoulder. "Why did they have to die? Why them?! Why not me?"
Tina couldn't find anything to say to her. She could only rub her hair and rock her back and forth. Suddenly, Tina became well aware of the fact the the heat of Brittany's body against her own and the heat of her breath against her chest was beginning to turn her on. Tina couldn't believe that her body was reacting to such sadness by getting aroused. She wished she could turn it off, but all of her efforts to do so only added to the heat and moisture between her legs. All of it caused her to start crying herself.
"It's O.K. Brit," she said, trying to distract herself from the selfish lust building within her groin. "I'm right here, babe. Stop crying, it's O.K...."
"WHY!" Brittany screamed, not even hearing her friend's words. "Why did they have to die?" Tina let her friend get it out of her system, all the while feeling ashamed for what was going on in her loins.
"I want them back, Tina," Brittany managed to get out after calming a bit. Here eyes wouldn't stop the tears, but she was able to at least speak through them. Brittany reclined back, ridding Tina of the source of her arousal; she let out a sigh of relief once she pulled herself up. "I don't know how much longer I can keep this up, Tina. I feel like I'm being torn apart. I don't know what to do anymore..."
"Shhhh..." Tina cooed, rubbing her cheek. Her arousal has all but left giving her the chance to actually console her friend. "I've known you for a long time, but I've never seen you like this."
"I'm sorry, you had to see this," Brittany said putting her hand atop Tina's. "I don't normally let it get to me, I guess I just lost it." Brittany looked at Tina's face and her small smile turned to horror when she noticed the bruises around her eyes. Immediately, she forgot about her own problems and focused on her friend's. "My god, Tina! What the hell happened."
"It's nothing," Tina said smiling a little.
"Bullshit!" Brittany quipped in anger. "Who's been hitting you?"
"It's nothing. Really. My sister and I got into a fight earlier today and she laid a good one on me." Tina was visibly shaken by the memory of it, but her smile never waned.
"You got your ass kicked by your baby sister?" Brittany asked in sarcasm, but still angered.
"No," Tina said softly, her hand touching her face. She winced at the feel of her swollen eye. "You should see what she looks like. But that's nothing what that bitch Kayla looks like."
That word sent shockwaves into Brittany's very core. Her heart began to speed up and ache, her hands started shaking. Brittany brought her hand back to her lap as she receded away from her friend. "What are you talking about?" Brittany's voice was deep in concern and fear. She abandoned all thoughts of anger when the look on Tina's face transformed from a soft smile into that of wanton hatred.
"I gave that little bitch what she deserved," Tina answered with pride but her hate-fill expression remained.
"Tina?" Brittany asked shaking even more. It was in this moment that she realized they haven't yet discussed why Tina is in her house this late at night. "What is it exactly you wanted to talk to me about?"
"I don't know how to begin really," Tina answered in all honesty. Her face changed from hate and anger to fear and concern. "I've never really opened myself up before and whenever I try this is what happens." Tina pointed to her face after she finished speaking.
"Why don't we start with what happened between you and Kayla." Brittany's suggestion only made Tina wince even more; she is on the verge of crying out of own recessed emotions.
"Well," Tina said after taking a deep breath, "I went back to that bookstore you and I went to last week to keep looking for material for one of my essays. On the way there I ran into Kayla, who was fucking god-knows-who in that alley next to the store. She said she wanted me to tell you something. I told her to stay away, but she kept insisting. I tried to tune her out and listen to that cellist play like she always does, even though it was pouring down rain. She grabbed my arm and I told her to back the fuck off of me. We stood out in front of the door and argued about whatever she had to say. When we brought your name into the mix, I heard that girl hit a sour note. So did Kayla. It's funny that it actually made us stop the argument for a minute and look at her. She was cool about it and finished playing her song and went inside. Once she went in, Kayla and I kinda agreed it would be better to get out of the weather and go inside as well, but she just wouldn't shut
her damn mouth."
Brittany laughed a little at that one. "You should try going out with her." Her jest brought a smile across Tina's lips.
"Yeah I bet," she answered. "Well anyway, I tried to go about my business and get away from her before I lost it and beat the shit out of her. I still don't know how you ever restrained yourself. We were standing by the back office door, she was starting to get into some personal shit she had no business saying. When I tried to shut her up, she just blurted out that she is still in love with you. Do you believe that bullshit?"
"I believe that she's crazy enough to think that," Brittany said giggling a bit. "The only reason why she would even say that is because she doesn't have me anymore. Tell me, what did you say back to her?" Brittany had to smile at the fact that they're spending time bashing her ex, but Tina hesitated for a second. "What's the matter babe?"
Tina looked down at her lap at the thought of a way to wisely choose her words, but she could think of no better way."I don't know how else to say this, so I'll just say it... I think I'm in love with you myself."
Brittany sat back and smiled. She kind of had a feeling about it for a few days now and the way she was staring at her tonight all but confirmed her suspicions. "Really? I guess then it all makes sense."
"What does?" Tina asked nervously.
"The way you've been looking at me, they way you've been talking to me in class and at practice. Plus when you came downstairs tonight, you were practically undressing me with your eyes." Tina just scoffed at herself for being so obvious. "What? You thought that I didn't notice?"
"I just didn't want it to be so obvious," Tina answered a little saddened. That's when it hit her that Brittany hasn't said word one about her feelings, if any, towards her yet, but that kiss they shared the night after the tournament kept that hope alive.
"You O.K. in there?" Brittany asked cautiously.
"Yeah," Tina said nearly in tears. She knew what Brittany's answer was going to be; she didn't want to hear it, but needed an answer either way. "I guess then you don't love me." Tina's words were pointblank and subdued.
"Listen Tina," Brittany said reaching out to her, "I love you like a sister..."
"Even though you kissed me in front of everyone?"
"I did?" Brittany's face turned tot hat of confusion, but then again she had no reason to think Tina would lie about something like that. Besides, she does remember kissing someone.
The look on Brittany's face told her more about their relationship status than any words could have. "Yes you did," Tina said, trying to sound more up beat than her broken heart would allow.
"Well," Brittany said, now trying to choose her words wisely, "I'm sorry if I caused you any kind of confusion. I want to be your friend and I want you to stay on my line. I've just got some things going on with me that I don't think anyone can understand right now." Brittany noticed Tina's sad expression went beyond that of a broken heart, but that of feeling betrayed. "Don't worry honey, I'm completely over Kayla. I just need to find out something else first before I go heading into another relationship. I love you like you're my sister, Tina and I would do anything to help you. I just need some time to myself, in that way."
"O.K., Brit," Tina said crying, but smiled. She did understand that there was something more going on than she let on, but still didn't like that idea of being rejected, especially after spilling her heart out to her. "It's getting late and we've got school tomorrow," Tina said getting up. She still had tears streaming down her face as she headed for the door.
"Tina," Brittany said in a serious, but concerned tone getting off the couch to follow her. Tina stopped dead in her tracks and turned around. "Can you promise me you will call me when you get home?"
"Yes," Tina answered after thinking about it for a second.
"I don't care what time it is, you call me as soon as you get home." Brittany stood right in front of her. "Promise?"
"Yes, Brit," she said finally getting the message. "I'll call you when I get back to my room. O.K.?"
"Good," Brittany said exhaling. She looked right into her friend's hurt-filled eyes. She leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on the lips before hugging her tightly. Tina returned the kiss and squeezed her just as tight. Tina got the message of Brittany wanting to continue being her friend and how much she truly cared for her as such.
"It's almost eleven," Tina said after they broke off the hug. "I call you soon. Love you, babe." Tina's voice sounded like it was back to normal, but Brittany had her doubts.
"Love you too, babe," Brittany said, smiling from ear-to-ear. Tina returned the smile and took off.