First of all I'm sorry about the delay, there has been a lot of things going on in my personal life taking up my time. If you have written me in the past two weeks and I haven't email you yet, it's because my ISP has been really screwed up. Somehow I got part of my web page for this story up. I'm still working on it but you can bookmark it. http://memebers.xoom.com/bsbkarma/smtm.html All questions, comments, and suggestions are welcome-- bsbkarma@iname.com And Shadowlover email me.
______________________________________________________ The following story is fictional. All use of celebrities, characters, and situations are all fictional. This story does not represent and/or meant to imply to the sexuality of any real persons. This story contains homoerotic relations between consenting adult males. You must be of legal age in your state to read this. Thank you and enjoy. (** the start of an emphasis, * the end) ______________________________________________________
"Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"
Written by Karma
================================================ ~ Part 1 ~ "Nights Of Light" ================================================
~ Chapter 5 ~
Nick snatches the ball, he spins left and goes for a lay-up. Tyke comes running from the side lines and in between he's feet, causing Nick to shoot aimlessly. The basketball cuts though the air and bounces off the rim.
"Yeah baby! I won!" Brian cheers.
"No you didn't! That don't count, your evil little Taco Bell dog here ruined my shot." Nick whined.
"Tyke not evil! Look you've hurt his feelings," said Brian. Nick looks down at Tyke, who in turn looks up at him and whimpers.
"Okay! I'm sorry Tyke." Nick bends down and pats the tiny dog's head. Tyke happy wags his tail, Nick picks him up. "Come on Tyke let's go inside, and you can watch me kick Brian's ass at Playstation."
Nick's Liu Kang delivers a strong kick to Brian's Sub Zero's head.
"B-Rok whatsup wit' you?" Nick asked, sensing that Brian was distracted. "This is the one game you can actually beat at." They've been playing Mortal Kombat for an hour and Nick had won nearly every fight.
"I just have a lot on my mind, I guess," said Brian. Sub Zero takes a punch to the chest.
"So what's on your mind?" Nick's face tenses as his tries to punch again, but Brian's Sub Zero freezes his Liu Kang. Finish him! That dreadful voice proclaims as the words flash on the screen.
"Love." Brian options for a friendship move.
"Love?" Nick asks watching at the two characters shake hands.
"Yeah, love." Brian says softly. He turns the game off and looks straight at Nick. "Like...How do you know if you're in love?"
Nick steals a glance at him, Brian's face was dead serious. He looks away, he shrugs,
"I--you...you just know." He looks at Brian, "You can feel it in every part of your being. Your love for them is so naturally apart of you , it's like two of you were destined to be together."
"Yeah, that's what I thought..." Brian stares off at nothing. He lets out a small laugh, "You know I'm 24, and I've never been ** in* love."
"Never? Not once?" Nick asked shocked. Nick was surprised to hear this. Brian had been in a few long term relationships, so one would have though that he had been in love before.
Brian shook his head. "You?"
He thought about his feelings for Brian, "Well, it's hard to say."
"I understand." Brian said softly.
"So...what about you and Leighanne?" Nick carefully asks.
Brian sighs, "I care about her, I really do, but...I don't feel that I'm in love with her. I think she knows it, though neither of us ever talk about it, and I know--I know we should...I really want this to work Nick, you know? To have someone, to feel something for once," he admits with pain in his heart. Nick never thought hearing Brian say he's not in love with Leighanne could prove to be so painful.
Nick nods with a look of understanding., "That's how it was with me and Mandy."
"What made you decide to break-up with her?"
'Let's see because I'm gay and helplessly love with you, but I guess you'll never know that.'
"We both decide to end it, whatever it was that we had. Let's just say we couldn't give each other what we really wanted."
A curious grin spreads across Brian's face, "And what you wanted wouldn't happen to be sex?"
"No, it wasn't like that--I...I didn't want to have sex with her," Nick blushes, not wanting to press the issue.
"Oh...I wasn't sure if you two had, you know...oh wait!" Brian suddenly smiles wickedly.
'Well, here it comes!' Nick thinks silently, watching Brian's animated face.
"So, you're still a virgin!"
"Yes, so...You know what I've told you... I want my first time to be with someone who I love and loves me too."
Brian pinches Nick's cheek, "Aaah, that's so sweet Nickay! Waiting for true love!"
"Shut up!" He laughs throwing a pillow at Brian.
''No, really I think that's cool. You should wait, hell, I should have waited. I am Christian after all."
"So what happen, horniness won over religion?" Nick laughs.
Brian's mouth drops open, "No! And I can't believe you just said!...I was looking to fall in love, obviously, it was the wrong way to go. And I pray to God that he will forgive me for my sins...I guess you can say that, I'm finally learning that one person feeling something, can't make a relationship."
Nick sighs. "Well, sadly that is something you don't have explain me."
Brian laughs, he playfully leans his head Nick's shoulder. "What do you think Nick? Are we ever gonna fall in love?"
"I hope so."
"Yeah, me too."
Nick smiles down at Brian, he smiles back. Nick couldn't help to think how perfect the moment was for them to kiss. 'Should take the chance? If I tell him everything, will it ruin our friendship? Ahh, fuck it!'
" Uhmm...Brian, I need to tell you something... I'm..." He choked on his words. His heart raced a thousand miles, 'Shut up Nick! Don't do this, you could lose him forever.'
"You're what?" Brian asks sitting up, looking at Nick.
"I'm-- tied! Yeah! See I didn't get much sleep last night." 'Smooth idiot'
Brian felt that he was lying but lets it go. "Well, after the drama at the beach today, I can sleep for about a week myself." He picks up the sleeping Tyke who was laying with Nick's dogs on the floor.
"You don't have to go, you can stay over, that is if you want to."
"Nah, next time okay?"
"Okay," Nick said trying not to sound disappointed. He walked him and Tyke to the door.
"Hey, I'll pick you up Monday to go to the airport, alright?" He got into his car.
"Okay, but I have to warn you BJ will be here." Nick smiled.
"And the fun never ends! Later Nick!" Brian yells pulling out of the drive way.
'Yeah, later' Nick watches the car disappear into the night.
Sunday morning. AJ hangs up the phone dissatisfied. 'Damn it, someone got to know! Think man, where could she be?' He's been up all night waiting for something, someone, anything. He had not seen or heard from his live-in girlfriend Amanda since yesterday morning. AJ starts to panic, 'If she's not here in one hour I'm calling the police.' The phone rings, AJ jumps to answer. His foot accidentally kicks the coffee table sending a glass vase tumbling to the floor. It shatters to pieces. AJ paid the broken glass no mind.
AJ: Amanda! Baby is that you! CALLER: I'm sorry, I'm looking for an Alexander McLean. AJ: Your speaking to him, who's this? CALLER: Wow, Alex it's really you? AJ: ....Bob?...How did you get this number?
Meanwhile, Kevin hears his answering machine come on as he enters his livingroom.
He hears Ricky's voice, Kevin quickly picks up the phone. KEVIN: Hi Ricky, whats up? RICKY: I was thinking since I'm still in Orlando, and since I'm gonna to be free night, maybe you and me could get together for dinner. KEVIN: Why Mr. Martin are you asking me out on a date? RICKY: Yes. [Laughs] How about some Italian, dinner for two at Campania...I hear it's really romantic. KEVIN: Yeah, it's great. And I would be honored to go with you. RICKY: Eight o'clock then? KEVIN: Eight's fine. RICKY: Okay, I gotta go. Diva getting that get off the phone and get be to work look in her eyes. Later mi amor. KEVIN: Later.
After a morning jog, Brian tries to relax in his Jacuzzi. The bubbling water helps smoothes his muscles but his mind.
'Okay so I don't love her, okay so I haven't loved any woman so far that's doesn't mean anything does it? I mean I want a normal life, a family of my own someday... No, I just haven't found the right girl yet, right? What if I never find her?. If I break-up with Leighanne, will I ruin my chances for this? What will I tell my parents?'
Ever since Brian turned 18 his parents have been pushing him to find the "right girl". Brian learned very earlier in life what was expected of him. Growing up in a small town with a southern Baptist Minister father, Brian was raised to be a God-fearing, and to live his life according to the bible. His father wanted him to be a minister, while his mother wanted him to be a teacher, not one to disappoint his parents Brian settle on becoming a youth minister. After all he figure what else could he do in Lexington. That is until he the call...into the music.
Looking back on his life so far, Brian sometimes wonders what if he'd never became a part of the Backstreet Boys? He would never have met anyone like AJ in Lexington, that's for sure. Or anyone as giving as Howie...he would never have met Nick.
'Six fucking years, why call now?' AJ thought as he sweep up the broken glass off the living room floor. In walks Amanda, without saying a word she bends down to help AJ, he pushes her hands away.
"I don't want you cut yourself,"
"I got it." AJ says coldly.
"Fine, I'll leave you alone," she backed away.
"Just like you did last , hush Amanda?" He throws the hand broom down, a piece flies up and cuts his hand. Blood trails down from his wound. Amanda grabs a first aid kit and mends his hand. AJ mumbles a small thanks with pain in his voice. Amanda knew the pain wasn't from for the cut.
"AJ...I...It's just that ...I don't know what say. I had this all planned out in my mind, now I can't find..."
"The truth, Amanda. Just tell me the truth."
She holds he bandage hand, "I think we should see other people."
AJ escapes Amanda's grasp "You think or you are?" He laughs sarcastically, as he hangs his head down in disbelief. "Do I know him?"
She shakes her head no. "I'm sorry AJ. I'm really am! I don't want be tied down to one person right now. I need space think. And you know lately things between us has been so all or nothing."
"So now it's just nothing, period? Is that what you want?" his confused eyes stared.
Amanda wipes the tears running down her face. "It's not about what I want, it's what I need. I still love you AJ...."
AJ jumps up, "No! I still love you, Amanda! I'm not the one who cheated. You know I would never do that to you!" He paces the room like a caged animal.
She stands up, "Oh, I forgot. You just flirt with every girl in sight!"
"Don't even go there, woman! You flirt just as much as me- -well, hell at least that's all I thought you did. I guess I was wrong."
"What! Fine, then if that's how you feel!"
"How am I suppose to feel? My girlfriend gone all night, without leaving any trace as where the hell she at, pops up the next day, saying she needs space to top it, all off she's seeing someone else! So if I seem pissed and hurt by this, Amanda then damn it it's because I love you!" He collapses on the couch, crying. Amanda sits down beside him. She lifts his head and softly wipes his tears.
"I'm sorry took cheap shots at you. It's just that there so many things swirling around in my mind, I can't think, I can't breathe, AJ. I want--I need to see what else is out there for me."
AJ simply nods. Like himself, once Amanda made up her mind, that was it. There was nothing else he could do but wait and hope she'll come back to him.
Kevin takes a deep breath as they are escorted to their table in a secluded corner. Ricky pulls out the chair for Kevin to sit. As elegant and as beautiful the Campania was with it's gold walls and white marble floors , the two focus their attenion on each other. Ricky was sexy as ever, wearing a close fitting baby blue buttom down shirt with black pants (drooling :p... I love him in baby blue!). Kevin, like always, was gorgeous in a grey pullover, and dark grey pants. A waiter takes their order, they made small talk while they waited on their food.
"You know everytime I time turn the radio I hear your voice, 'Come on!'... " teases Kevin, as he does an bad impression of Ricky singing Living la Vida Loco.
"Oh, that was awful!" Ricky laughes at Kevin's attemp. "And it's not like I don't hear every hour on the hour, 'Tell me why- eee!' " He sings in perfect high pitch.
"Wow, Nick better watch out there, cause if you sang any higher you could replace him." Kevin smiled. The waiter brought their food, and uncorked a bottle of white wine before leaving. Kevin pours some of the wine into their glasses. Somewhere during eatting and chatting, Rickyasks if could ask Kevin something personal.
"Yeah, I guess so," he reponds without much thought.
"I personally I hate labels but,...I've been wondering..." Ricky's face turns serious as he leans foward toward Kevin. "What do you consider yourself..." He looks around then whipsers, " you know sexually? Are you gay, bi, straight and just curious what?" Kevin started to say something, but he thoughts kept getting in the way. It had been awhile since he's been question about his sexually. Hell, it's been awhile since he last ponder it himself. Meanwhile Ricky waits for an answer as the question stills lingers in the air.
Kevin bites his lower lip,"Honestly, I don't know where to start..."
"Kevin, if you're just curious, that's okay. But I have to tell you that I've been in that kind of relationship before, and I don't plan on being anyone's experiment again." Ricky said looking let down.
"Well, if it makes you feel any better to know that I too have been that kind of relationship before. And I don't plan on repeating it." He smiled reached his hand out, Ricky takes it into his own.Kevin glazes lovingly into Ricky's eyes. "I've been with both men and woman in the past. And even through I've never wanted to admit to myself before now but,... I've always prefered men." Kevin lets out a long breath of relief, He couldn't believe how freeing he felt by amitting the truth to Ricky and more so to himself.
Ricky squeezes Kevin's hand, "Thanks for telling me the truth and trusting me with it."
"I had to, theres no way I could let a guy like you get away from me." Kevin said seductively.
"Speaking of getting away, let's get out of here." said Ricky.
After a short arguement over who will pay the bill,Kevin let's Ricky pay. They hop into Kevin's car and escaped to the same beach they were at the day before. They took ooff their shoes and walked up and down the coastline letting the water run tickle their feet. They settled down on sand the in each other arms admiring the moonlit ocean. They talked all night about everything, and anything under the stars. Turns out Ricky knew he was gay since the age of 16, while Kevin on the other hand, obviously went through some confusion. He knew he had feels for men, but never act upon it until he moved to Orlando. But that was all before he came a Backstreet Boy. Once his carrer started Kevin felt he had to play up the his straight side, and threw off the gay as curiosity. Still his relationships with women never gave him the level of satisfaction he had with men. He never told any of the guys about his bisexuality, after all he hadn't been with any men since the forming of the group. But since Ricky came into his life everything changeing. And the only thing Kevin was sure of was that he was falling for the Latin star fast. Before they knew it it was sunrise.
"I haven't watched the sunrise in a long time." Ricky said holding Kevin tightly in his strong arms.
"Neither have I, usually on my days off at this time in the morning I'm dead to the world," Kevin joked.
Ricky suddenly straightens up, "What time is?"
Kevin looks at his watch. "6:15, why?"
"Damn, I have to catch a plane to California at 7:00. I wish you were going with me."Ricky says with sad puppy eyes, which Kevin finds adorable. He places a baby kiss on Rick's nose.
"I wish I could go with you but me and the guys are leaving for Europe today."
"When are you getting back? Maybe we can get together"
"A week from now if all goes well, we have two concerts and a video to do. Then we film another video the next week, and pomotion..."
Ricky slaps his forehead, "Ugh, I just remember I'm surpose to be in Canada next week."
Kevin's twisted with fustation, he wonered if he'll ever get to spend time with Ricky again.
"Look, don't worry, Kevin. We can call each other everyday, we will be together."
"But, when? Our America tour, it starts in two weeks."
"Didn't you just tell me that you couldn't let a guy like me pass you by," Ricky reminds.
"And I don't want to..." Kevin stared tearly eyed.
"Then don't." Ricky gently pulls Kevin into a passionate kiss. They break the kiss, Ricky caress Kevin's face with his hands. "We'll make time to be together okay. How about the week end before your tour, We can go to Miami for the whole weekend."
"You promise, nothing will get in the way?"
"I promise with my life, Kevin"
"All right then Miami,."
"Great!" Ricky give his another kiss. "Now come, on you can help me wake Diva up. Let me tell you she is *not a morning person at all." Ricky laughed dragging kevin along.
That night at Nick's house, his sister came over to take care of his dogs while he's away. He told her about his conversion with Brian from the other night.
"Two words, double wedding." The blonde hair blue eyed girl emphasize by holding up two fingers.
Nick roll his eyes,"BJ please don't start." He said packing, his Playstation and N64.
"What?" she poclaimed innocently.
"You know what. Your crazy idea that somehow Brian gonna fall in love with me and his brother Harold with you. Then we'll all get marry and live happy ever atfer."
"It is not a crazy idea, it's love. "
"BJ you're only seventeen, Harold too old for you. He's like Kevin's age or something. Besides Brian not in love with me."
"Maybe not before, but now he's dumping the Pamala Lee wannabe...You have a chance here! Just tell him how you feel."
"And make a fool of myself, ruin our freindship, and spend the rest of my life alone and broken hearted bcause Brian Littrell doesn't love me. Remember the reason I told you that I'm gay is because I need someone to talk to and I couldn't with Brian. I just can't handle the possibility of him rejecting me. I rather just keep it all to myself."
"Nick, if you never tell him you'll never know if you could have had him. Would you really rather wondering 'what if" all of your life?"
"Wondering what if about what?" Brian stood in entrance of Nick's den. All of the guys had keys to each other houses.
Nick looks at BJ, "It's *nothing really."
She takes the cue. "Hi! Brian, how's Harold?" BJ said tried to change the subject.
"Last time I saw him he was doing alright,and still 27," Brian laughs.
"But, is he still single?" She rasied her brows.
"Yes, but I really think he's looking for someone a little older than you."
"Hey, I'm not getting any younger."
Nick grabs his bags."Look, Brian tell him to call her when she turns 18, let's go, before we miss our flight. And BJ I don't want to hear about you having wild parties and chargeing people to get in."
"Don't worry Nick, I never charge for my parties." She said with the most straight faceas they walked out of the door.
"What!" Nick yell.
"Come on Nick, she's just playing with you." Brian put his bags into his car.
"Well, maybe I call Dad and have him stop by."
"Nick no! I was kidding, jokey-joke, you know."
"We'll see,"
"Nick!"
At the airport, Howie waited for the others. He sees Kevin and AJ appear among the crowd.
"Yo, Howie how was your weekend, man?" Kevin asks, knowing already that he and Diva talked on the phone all night.
"Great, Diva and I were on the phone all night I feel like I'm 15 again. How was your day?"
"The same."
"Really? You met someone?"
"You say can that. Hey watch my stuff I got to go to the restroom."
Howie sat down beside the unusually quite AJ. "What about you. Did you and Amanda had fight? You seem distracted."
"We broke up." AJ says sadly. " It finally happen, I could see it comming really. She's seeing someone esle now. Other than that Bob call, I accidentally I cut my hand had to get sitches last night, when it wouldn't stop bleeding."
"Wait back up, Bob called? You're kidding me right?"
"Would I kid about that?"
Howie shakes his head no. "What does he want?"
"He says his just want to see me in person and whatever, but Howie, I just can't handle him right now...if ever."
TBC....