On Eight Avenue in New York City between 42nd and 44th Street near Port Authority bus terminal are a few porno shops. One in particular has some booths with holes in them. Lots of hungry gay guys are usually there. But there are also quite a few "regular guys" just wanting service from the cocksuckers. Since sucking off these guys would be the most shameful, it is to be with these straight guys--guys just looking to use a fag to get their rocks off--that I most desire.
When there are lots of fags there, it scares away the straight guys just looking for some relief. That's why going there at odd times sometimes really pays off. I got up at 5:30 to go to the gym and get an early start on my day. On my way back, an hour later, I stopped off at the porno place, not expecting to get any action, just to see a movie. I got more than I bargained for. A real dominant-looking guy, not too tall, but really built thick, was pretending to look at magazines.
We made eye contact and it was like he KNEW I was a submissive queer who wouldn't mind servicing his dick. I went into a booth--he followed into the next one. There was never any question of who was going to suck who. He just assumed I was queer, and this assumption was confirmed by my dropping to my knees in front of the hole. He unzipped and stuck it through. It was a big hairy semi-hard dick with ugly veins and a big head oozing and slobbering juice.
The dirtiness and abjectness of his dick, the fact that it was smelly made it more disgusting, and because it was disgusting it was more shameful to wrap my lips unhesitatingly around it and suck it good. I went right to work, trying hard to impress him and show him how good of a cocksucker I was. When it got hard I took it out of my mouth and kissed it and rubbed it in my face, sniffing it real queer-like. Soon he asked me if I wanted to join him in one of the larger and more private "buddy booths." I said, "sure." He left and after a few seconds, I followed him to one of the larger booths in back.
Right away he told me he didn't reciprocate and I said that as okay because I was just a cocksucker for straight guys. I could see he was turned on by my talking in such a self-denigrating way. He asked me if I liked the taste of his dick and I said, "Yes sir." He asked me if I swallowed and I told him I was a real sperm eater. By then he could see that I was a real submissive, masochistic bastard and so he really took advantage of how queer I was for him.
Without asking me if I mind if he smokes, he took out a cigarette and ordered me to light it for him. When I did so without hesitation, with a hand quivering with awe for his manliness and superiority, he KNEW that I was all queer for him, that I would probably do any humiliating thing he could think up. He put in a ten dollar bill, so I knew the movie would last for a while.
He told me to take off all my clothes and watched with a smirk while I clumsily undressed. Then made me take off his shoes and socks and jeans for him--and fold them. He put his hands behind his head, leaned back and told me to suck it. His dick had that hardness that an experienced cocksucker like me knows means that the guy really needs his nuts emptied bad.
But seeing as he had SUCH a sick mother-fucking queer to use, he made me put in another five dollars so he would have plenty of time to make me do all kinds of humiliating shit for him before emptying his nuts in my mouth--like sniffing his sweaty balls, licking out his armpits and asshole, and sucking his toes. I told him I wasn't a man at all compared to him, and he agreed. He told me only a really sick faggot would do all this shit for another guy--a "nomal" gay guy with any self-respect at all would never do all this shit for an abusive guy who wouldn't reciprocate--and I agreed.
The aura of shame that surrounded the blowjob gave him a sadistic thrill. I asked him if he had any buddies who like to get serviced by a queer bastard like me. This got a real rise out of him. He tried to call a buddy on his cell phone while I was slurping it up but his friend wasn't answering (it wasn't even 7 am!). He left a message that he had a "live one" (i.e. a masochistic cocksucker) and to call him back--no one called back however.
He showed a lot of contempt for me--you could see it in his face, the rude way he barked out orders to suck it or go faster, pushing my head in and out in a dominating way. Smoking while I sucked him was meant as a degrading gesture on his part. When I suggested he call me a faggot a whole shower of abusive names came pouring out, like a damn that had burst. Most of the verbal abusive was done in order to degrade my manhood At one point, as I was sucking him, he pulled my head back by the hair, spit in my face, slapped me up side the head and then pushed me right back on his dick to which I returned hungrily.
Eventually, he came in my mouth. I was still on my knees jerking my dick as he wiped himself off and furtively put back on his clothes. Now that he had come, he seemed disgusted by the whole thing and just wanted to get out of there as fast as he could. He seemed to be grossed out by seeing me naked down on my knees jerking my dick. He was probably feeling some guilt about using a fag so crudely and didn't know how to relate to me after such a degraded scene. I asked him if he would spit in my face one more time before he went. He obliged me contemptuously. He slammed the door on his way out. I jerked off alone in the buddy-booth after he left _______________________
Shame is defined by Webster as a "painful realization of having lost the respect of others," so it is essentially social, but guilt is defined as "a painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong or immoral," so it is more individual. These two each play their part in a sadomasochistic encounter such as the one I just described. It strikes me how I elicited shaming verbiage and behavior from the top, but then it was he who later experienced guilt. The following is my attempt to explain:
The objectives of the Man in these scenes is very clear: dominating a submissive queer gives vent to his frustrations and feeds his innate need to assert power and control and mastery over his surroundings. The less control of his surroundings the top feels he has in real life, the more will be his desire to vent this way and to assert control by abusing a submissive guy--calling him names, slapping him around, fucking him roughly, pissing on him, whipping his bare squirming ass, etc. It is a very primitive means of relief and is far more about power than about sex.
The bottom is also attracted to this feeling of control and mastery but gets it by being the object of the venting and abuse. In this way, he is at the very center of the expression of these crude but powerful feelings. The bottom elicits the abusive behavior from the top by giving him permission to vent his frustrations primarily through submissive postures and self-denigrading talk that seemingly betrays his lack of self-respect.
A convenient fiction used by the bottom in order to draw out the sadism of the top, is that the cocksucker, as a submissive homosexual, is somehow something less than a real man. The top can thus feel free to express his disgust with and assert his power over this degraded man; at the same time, he is able to rationalize his own homosexual behavior in the fiction that it is the bottom who is the fag here and that he's just getting his rocks off by using the fag in this way. All signs of tenderness in the act are suppressed in order to "prove" that the top isn't himself gay.
The bottom shames himself in several ways, for example, by kneeling in front of the man, calling himself a queer or a cocksucker or a sperm eater, by licking the man's boots or sucking his toes, by sniffing out his sweaty balls or armpits or eating out his asshole, by asking the man to slap him or spit at him, etc. This is all based, not on a true lack of self-esteem, but is indulged in for the shameful feelings it produces. These feelings of shame have been eroticized somehow and are experienced not as painful but as thrilling to the bottom. However, this experienced shame doesn't affect self-worth because it is understood by the bottom that this is not real shame but a simulation game designed primarily to bring forth the sadism of the partner and its resulting aggrandizement feeds the injured ego of the top and makes him feel "big."
But whereas the bottom understands the unreality of the scene that he himself has to a large extent conjured up, the top may take the sadomasochistic exchange at its face value--that is, as real. Thinking about it later, he may feel remorse for having "mistreated" the bottom--fucking him roughly, calling him names, etc. He may also realize that, despite the displacement of homosexuality onto the bottom, he was still involved in a homosexual liaison, for which he, as a primarily heterosexual man, may feel guilty.
Like a detective in a mystery novel, I am slowly uncovering bits and pieces of the puzzle of my masochism. Although I think the preceding paragraphs explain the "how" of masochistic shaming, I am still intrigued to now why the bottom has eroticized the shame in the first place, because, for me at least, the shaming is more than just a technique to elicit behaviors from the top, (although I do think that drawing out the top's response is a major part of it). I suspect that there is more to it because even when I masturbate alone, I am aroused by the thought of humiliation, which I wouldn't feel if it were only a technique for drawing out the partner's dominance I don't think.