Separate Lives

"What's past is prologue..."

Ooh. Well, here we are. It's the end, my friends. This one is a bit longer than the ones before, and I hope, I really do, that this has been worth the wait. It's been a wonderful journey for me.

Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who has stuck with this from the beginning. This hasn't been the easiest thing for me to do, you realize, but it's been a wonderful experience. Thank you.

Standard disclaimer: Come on...do I really have to?

Well, for once, it's short...

Separate Lives Part VI: Sleeping in Light By Chris

A pair of gentle fingers found their way under my chin and lifted my face up. Before I could so much as blink, a pair of warm lips had found mine. For the first moment, I couldn't think, couldn't move. I was trapped, utterly helpless to resist. And after that moment, I didn't want to resist.

Suddenly, reality came crashing down when an angry voice snapped, "What the hell is going on here?"

I jerked back as if struck. My eyes went wide as I pushed off of Brian's lap. I stumbled and landed in an unceremonious heap on the floor, breathing hard and face flushed. "A-Alex..."

Alex's eyes were stony, and very, very cold as he stared down at me. "I leave for a couple of hours and you're already jumping into the sack with someone else. I knew it, but I tried to live with it. You never really loved me, did you? You always loved him."

"Now hold on," Brian tried to interject.

"You stay out of this!" Alex snarled. "Haven't you done enough?"

"Alex, stop," I pleaded as I picked myself up off the floor. "Please, listen. This isn't what it looks like."

"Oh, pray enlighten me, Josh. What the hell do you think it looks like?" His voice was raw, filled with anger and hurt. The tears started to fall. "Jesus. Why?"

Brian stood up and said, "Alex, it wasn't his fault. I-I'll leave. I'm so sorry. I swear it'll never happen again."

"Brian, where are you going?" I asked, annoyed. "Just stay here, okay?"

He stopped in the doorway and turned to regard me with those startling blue eyes, which had so captivated me almost two years ago. The pain, the loss, and the need for comfort caught me again. He nodded, but said, "He loves you, Alex. I know that. Don't do anything stupid on my account."

Alex wasn't looking at Brian. His eyes, darker and more full of rage than I'd ever seen, were glued to mine. As soon as Brian was gone, he said, "You were going to...to have sex with him, weren't you?"

"No! Christ, no!"

"Then what were you doing?"

My own anger sprang forth with a vengeance. "Did you look at his face, Alex? Did you? Did you see the bruises and the cuts? He's here because Jeremiah beat the shit out of him and cheated on him. He came over here because this is the closest house to his. And I was just trying to be a friend. I don't know what he was thinking, but he kissed me. We weren't gonna do anything!"

"You were kissing back," Alex said. His voice had lost its edge, but his eyes didn't warm. This look was so alien, and it made my heart ache. "I saw you."

"Yeah," I admitted. "I made a mistake, Alex. I did something really stupid when I should have thought about what I was doing. I don't know how to apologize to you, besides saying I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you."

After a long pause, some of the ire drained out of Alex's eyes. "So what you're saying is that that you'd rather be with him."

"No! How can you even think that? I don't love him. I love you."

"I can see it in your eyes, Josh. I see it every time you're around him. Why do you think I try so hard?" That raw and hurt note cut deep. "I love you so much. I do. I have since the first time I saw you. But I've been fighting to get you to return that love because you've always wanted Brian."

That sounded so wrong to my ears, but in my heart, I wondered. Still, I wouldn't concede that point. "That is not true," I said, trying to project my sincerity. "I love you. How many times, how many ways can I say it? And why don't you believe me?"

He sighed and looked away. "How can I?"

"I've never been unfaithful."

"That's not the point." He stopped and stared out the open doorway. The sound of couch springs squeaking in the office drifted toward us. "That's not the point at all."

"Then what is?"

"Look, I'm taking Chris. We're staying at a hotel tonight so you and lover-boy can be alone."

"Jesus, what are you talking about?" I stopped, finally realizing what a mistake we were making. "Alex, hold on a second. Let's just talk about this before you and Christian go charging off."

Alex's tone was once again full of anger. "There's nothing to talk about, Josh. I saw what you were doing and there's nothing you can say to take it back or make it go away. Every time I look at you, I see that kiss. You weren't thinking about me when you did it."

He was right. But what was I supposed to do? I didn't love Brian. I didn't. "It was a mistake," I said for the millionth time. "He came in here scared, beaten, and in need of comfort. How the hell would you feel if someone told you that you're worthless and that all you were was just a fuck? Don't you think it'd kind of make you want to find someone who'll tell you that you're not worthless?"

He nodded grudgingly. "Okay. Maybe you have a point. But you still kissed him."

I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. He just didn't want to believe me. "He kissed me, Alex."

He shook his head. "Doesn't matter. You were kissing him when I walked in."

There wasn't anything I could say to counter it because it was the truth. I'd kissed him back without much resistance. And it hadn't been bad at all. In fact I'd-

Alex's voice burst that thought quickly. "Well?"

"Well what?" I asked.

"Aren't you going to deny it?"

How could I? It was true that I'd kissed back. "I...I can't deny it," I admitted.

He nodded once and then turned away. "Why, Josh? Haven't I been good enough for you?"

I didn't go to him then, and in retrospect, I know that he wanted me to. If I had, maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. Instead, I sat where I was and stared at his back. "Alex...I love you so much. You don't even realize how much-"

"Save it," he sneered. "I've heard about all the bullshit I can handle from you today. Don't sit there and tell me how much you love me. I don't believe it and nothing you can say will convince me."

He just didn't get it. I did love him, had always loved him. Hadn't I? "Then what do you want to hear? You didn't do anything to make this happen. It was an accident. That's all."

Defeated, he nodded wearily and turned to face me again. "Josh...I want out. I mean...it's over."

I had expected as much. "Just like that?" I asked quietly, trying to hide how much it hurt to hear him say that. "You're not even giving me a chance."

"How do you know it wouldn't have stopped there? I know how you feel about Brian. I've been competing with that since I met you." He looked at me for a long moment, and then understanding dawned on him. "You don't know, do you? You don't even realize your own feelings. My god, no wonder you stayed with me as long as you did. You duped yourself into thinking you loved me, when all along, you've been in love with him."

That sounded exactly like something a jealous lover would say. I mean, how could a person be so blind? And how could I mistake my feelings for Brian like that? It just didn't make sense. But there again was that tiny thread of doubt. "That's stupid," I said. "And it's not true, either."

He chuckled, a grating, humorless sound that made a cold shiver run down my spine. "Sure. Keep telling yourself that. Meantime, I'm going to a hotel with Christian." That hard, stony cast was back in his eyes as he turned toward the doorway. "Maybe...maybe we can talk tomorrow."

"Sure," I said dazedly. "Tomorrow."

Alex left with an uncharacteristic hunch in his shoulders and an almost shuffling walk. And when I heard the front door close quietly behind him, it really hit home. But I didn't cry. In fact, I was strangely numb to the whole thing. The only thing I could think was 'What a mess.'

Brian poked his head into the room. "Josh?" His voice was soft and incredibly hesitant. His eyes, wounded, tired, a little embarrassed, caught me again. "Are you and Alex going to be okay?"

I shrugged, but didn't say anything. A small, rueful smile lifted one corner of my mouth as I brushed an errant strand of hair off my forehead. The day's exertions caught up to me all at once and all I wanted to do was sleep a while. Sleep and not think about this whole fucked up situation. Hell, maybe it was just a dream.

Brian looked like he wanted to cry again. "I'm so sorry," he whispered as a tear leaked out the corner of one of his eyes. "I didn't mean for that to happen."

"I didn't either," I sighed. "It was just as much my fault. I should have stopped you, but it just...caught me by surprise, I guess."

"I know. It did the same for me, too. I didn't even know I was going to do it until I was already doing it." He rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I am really sorry about this, Josh."

"Would you quit saying that? You came here because you felt like someone was ripping out your heart and tearing it up into shreds. You felt worthless, you said. So you were looking for someone to tell you weren't. And maybe show you, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah. That sounds about right. I blew my own relationship and came here and fucked up yours. What a day."

"It wasn't your fault. Jeremiah had everyone fooled for a while. He didn't change as much as I'd hoped and it's his fault. He's just a bad person on the inside. As for Alex and me...well, don't count us out of it yet."

His smile was sad. "Keep telling yourself that," he said. "You just might believe it. You know, I heard what he was saying. About you and me. You think he could be right?"

"What do you mean?"

There was a hint of mischief in Brian's tone. "What he said about you thinking you loved him when you've been in love with me all along. Is he right?"

There was no way in hell I was going to answer that question. Not when I was so mixed up. "Brian, I'm awfully tired," I said. "You've had a long day and you should probably get some rest."

"Aw, come on, Josh." He leaned casually against the doorframe. "You loved me once. Don't you feel that way anymore?"

I glowered at him. "No. Good night."

He raised his hands to shoulder level and gave me an insolent little smile. "Jeez, no need to bite my head off. I was just asking. Good night, and thanks. You don't know how much you've helped me."

'At the cost of my own little happy world,' I thought cynically. Whoops. That was an uncharitable thought, and maybe not even necessarily true. "That's what I'm here for," I sighed. The door shut on the way out, and once I was alone, I laughed. Laughed. I didn't feel like crying because this was this farce was, hands down, the most ridiculous situation I'd ever been in.

Alex didn't trust me, and he didn't believe me. Oh, that was rich. I've been repressing my feelings for Brian, he said. That was even better. I was about to lose Alex over something so incredibly ludicrous. That was the best of them all. No wonder I was laughing. And what could I do? Nothing but stand there and swallow it. My God, was there no justice? Finally, I rolled over and fell asleep.

I woke up late the next morning feeling nice and relaxed. It was like the previous night's events never happened. 'Maybe it was just a dream, after all,' I thought, as I took a shower and got dressed. 'Alex will be downstairs caterwauling off-key as always while he makes breakfast, Christian will be walking around tormenting poor Max, and this thing with Brian and Jeremiah will never have happened.'

I smelled something mild as I headed down the hallway. But the singing I heard coming out of the kitchen was on-key, pitched low, and pleasing to the ears. Max was stretched out lazily in a patch of sunshine in the living room and Lady was sitting on her haunches not far from Max and watching me. Damn. It hadn't been a dream.

Sure enough. Brian was making breakfast. "Morning, Brian," I said as I walked into the kitchen.

He turned and smiled brightly. "Good morning, Josh. How're you doing?"

Brian's eyes were sparkling too much, I noticed. He wasn't doing as well as he first appeared to be. "Good," I answered. "You?"

"Great. I slept well, and I woke up feeling better than I have in a while." He cleared his throat. "Uh, do you...do you think you could give me a ride over to Kevin's after breakfast?"

"Sure."

"I...kind of wanted you to stick around, if that's okay."

"Well, Alex is coming by today-"

"He called while you were in the shower," Brian interrupted. "He said he'll be by around seven tonight. He's working today, and he wasn't really happy that I answered the phone."

No duh. I waved that last comment aside. "Well, thanks. I guess I can stick around, then. What's today?"

"Thursday the fifth."

We were supposed to go to New York on the morning of the eighth, go through rehearsals that afternoon, and again on the ninth, and the day of the tenth. The Video Music Awards were the night of the tenth. The Boys opted not to bring the rest of the band. That meant, I realized, Jeremiah wasn't invited. Great. I'd be there, and I'd be working with Mariah's band.

Of course, once Kevin found out what had happened last night, he'd be all for dumping Jeremiah's ass on the side of the road. It wouldn't take much to convince Jeff and Michael, either. They weren't very fond of Jer, anyway, and all they needed was the Boys' okay to dump him. Besides, it wouldn't be that difficult to replace him. He had originally been slated to be on road crew, but got bumped up to bassist at the group's request. It wouldn't be that difficult to replace him. AJ would probably do just fine.

"What are you thinking about?" Brian asked quietly.

That brought me back to reality. "Uh, do you think you should just get everyone over to Kevin's? That way you won't have to keep answering the same questions over and over again."

He shrugged and then nodded. "Yeah, that's probably a good idea. You want to call them and let them know while I finish up? Just...don't tell them why yet. I'd rather do it myself."

I nodded, walked into my study, and made the call. "Kev? It's Josh."

Kevin sounded surprised. "Hey. What's up?"

"Well, a lot, actually," I told him. "Uh, something's come up between Brian and Jeremiah. It's bad. Brian stayed over here last night."

There was a long pause. And then, "Why'd he go over to your house?"

"It's closer than yours. He walked."

Kevin's voice was very controlled. "What happened?"

"He wants to tell you himself," I answered. "He's doing okay, but only just. Can you do me a favor? Could you call everyone and tell them to come by your place around...uh, noon?" It was just now ten-thirty. "We'll be by early."

"Yeah, sure. Josh, would you just tell me a little about what's going on? I mean, he is my cousin, after all. I'm going to worry until I see him."

I sighed and closed my eyes. 'Screw it.' "Just don't tell him I told you, okay? And don't tell the others yet."

"All right."

"When Brian got home last night, Jeremiah was doing some other guy. And to make matters worse, Jeremiah beat the crap out of Brian and called him a bunch of names and stuff. Apparently, this kind of thing has been going on for a month."

"I'm going to fucking kill him," Kevin said, through what sounded like very tightly clenched teeth.

"No! Don't even think about it. Don't do anything stupid." Brian called me from the kitchen just then. "Look, I've got to go. Just call everyone and we'll talk later, okay?"

"Yeah, I got it. Well, thanks for telling me, at least. I'll see you in a bit, all right?"

"Right. Later."

Brian didn't ask any questions when I came out to the dining room. He just smiled that disturbing too-bright smile and set a plate of food in front of me. I ate pretty well, but he mostly picked at his. No, he definitely wasn't doing well at all.

"Are you okay?" I asked, after a while.

"Not really," he said quietly. He grimaced at the plate and then pushed it away. He looked like a defeated prizefighter. His left eye was bruised and partly closed, his bottom lip was cut and swollen, and there were bruises on his cheeks and chin. "I though...I thought when I woke up this morning...that it was better this way, you know? I mean, I'm safe and he can't touch me again. But I'm so...God, I'm so ashamed."

"Why ashamed, Brian?"

"I...I should have fought back, should have done something." He thumped his fist against the table for emphasis. "But it was easier not to fight. He used me." He blushed a deep, miserable red. "He always was the one who...who, you know, did me. I never was allowed to. It was...so...so humiliating! Oh, God!" Tears leaked unchecked out of his eyes and then began to pour out. Angrily, he swiped at them. "I never fought back. He hit me and he called me stupid, useless, worthless and he used me. H-He used m-me and he h-hated me." He buried his face in his hands and cried.

There were tears in my own eyes as I went to give him my shoulder again. "It's not your fault. You know that." I told him that over and over again, just to be saying something.

When the tears had run their course, he looked up at me and said, "You want to know what's worst? I...never really loved him. I just thought since he seemed to want me so much...I could just try and learn to love him. I never did."

"He didn't love you, Brian, because he doesn't even know what love is. He never has. And he sure as hell didn't understand how special you are." Ye gods, where had that come from? I hope he didn't get the wrong idea.

But he just smiled a little. "Thank you."

"Hey, it's the truth."

He stood up and gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Uh, let me get cleaned up and then we can go." That unnerving over-brightness was gone from his eyes. It was a good sign. After he was gone, I took the two plates to the kitchen and threw them into the dishwasher. Then I splashed some cold water on my own face. It washed the tears away and cooled my face. My own heart was aching for Brian, for me, and for Alex. Alex...I didn't know what I was going to do about him. I put that thought aside for later when Brian came back into the kitchen.

"What about you?" he asked. "You and Alex, I mean."

How had he-? "I don't know, to tell you the truth. I guess I'll just worry about that tonight."

"I just hope I didn't wreck things for you."

I shook my head. "There's more to it that just this," I admitted. "He doesn't trust me very much. He hasn't trusted me since I went loco back in February, or whenever it was."

"That wasn't your fault." Brian sounded indignant, though he looked totally drained.

I begged to differ, but just shrugged. "Don't worry about it. We've got to get to Kevin's or else he'll send a search party."

Kevin's green eyes flew open in totally unfeigned shock when he saw his cousin. "My God, Brian, what happened to you?" Obviously he hadn't expected it to be this bad.

"Jeremiah hit me," Brian said quietly. He glanced at me. "But I think I want to wait so that everyone else is here before I tell you what else happened."

"That's all right," Kevin said as he shut the front door behind us. We walked into the living room and sat down. "Why didn't we see this coming?" he asked quietly, mostly to himself. Then his eyes found mine. "Why didn't you, Josh? You know him better than any of us do. Why the hell didn't you see it coming?" His tone was full of accusation.

On top of everything else, that was too much. "What the hell does that mean?" I snapped, tensing. "For Christ's sake, it's not like I could have done anything about it. I fucking told you all I knew about him. How in God's name was I supposed to know? Huh? What more did you want? A goddamn babysitter? You wanted me to follow him around and make sure he was being a good boy? You know what? That wasn't my fucking responsibility!" Okay, okay, so some of that was my anger about what was going on with Alex, but Kevin deserved most of it. I sat there, panting, and stared him down.

Kevin looked totally set back on his heels. His jaw came a little unhinged and his eyebrows tried to crawl into his hairline. Neither Brian nor Kevin had ever seen me this angry before. That was why they were so knocked back. "Josh-" he started to say, but Brian cut him off.

"Josh, it's okay. Just take it easy." Brian turned dull, tired eyes onto his cousin. "Why did you say that, Kevin? That was rude and completely uncalled-for. And besides, he's right."

Kevin looked immediately chagrinned. "Josh...I'm sorry. That was really unfair. I'm just, well, upset and frustrated and you didn't deserve it."

"It's okay," I said. "I know how you feel."

He smiled a little and then decided to change the subject. "Uh, so, where's Alex today?"

Brian shot his cousin a warning glance. "Kevin, just-"

"Brian," I said sharply and threw him a glance that said, 'Shut up.' "Alex is working and Christian is at the daycare."

Kevin was not stupid, and he saw right through me. "Did something happen?"

"Aw, we just had a little argument because he doesn't want to go to New York. It's nothing major." I pretty much was telling the truth, and Kevin seemed to buy it. Things were going to be okay. 'Oh, sure, Josh. Just keep telling yourself that.' Oh, great. Now I was doing it.

We made idle conversation until the others arrived, all right on time. The room, when everyone was there, was eerily silent as they waited for explanation. Their eyes. That's what I remember...what I always remember. Shock, anger, and worry were in four pairs of eyes, exhaustion and melancholy in Brian's. You don't really think about something like this until it hits close to home. But it happens, and they were just starting to realize it. That's what their eyes said.

They'd all asked, of course, what had happened, but he hadn't said much. He just told them to wait until everyone got there because he didn't want to repeat himself more than once. Though in reality, I knew, and they knew, that this wouldn't be the last time he told this story.

Brian spoke slowly because he was very tired. "It...well, it started getting bad about a month ago." There was absolutely no emotion, nothing, save a small tremor, in his voice. "But...I guess...I guess it's been going on a lot longer than that. He would hit me, just playfully, but hard. A slap here, a punch in the arm there, stuff like that. I didn't even think much about it.

"About a month ago, I was, uh, I was doing the dishes and I...I broke a glass. It just slipped out of my hand. Jer was there and he yelled that I was stupid and...and clumsy. Then he kicked me so hard I fell down. I couldn't breathe. He kicked me as hard as he could in the stomach and the back five, maybe six times. After...I couldn't even get up. I think he felt kind of bad because he helped me up, all nice and lovey-dovey and put me to bed. He told me not to tell anyone, and that he'd just had a bad day. You know, the usual excuses."

He stopped and raised a shaking hand to his eyes. "You, uh, you never knew. I didn't want you to. Fortunately, we weren't doing anything strenuous at the time, and I was able to cover pretty well. And that wasn't the last time. It happened at least once a week, and sometimes more. He never hit my face, but he was big on kicking my stomach and back." He lifted up his shirt to show the colorful bruises that covered his ribs, back and stomach.

"It never stopped," he said flatly. "When he wasn't hitting me, he was telling me how stupid and worthless I was. How much of a useless person I was. That actually had been going on for almost a year. But I didn't think too much of it most of the time.

"And then I came home last night." His voice cracked on the last syllable and he looked down. I put an arm around his shoulder just as Kevin did the same from the other side. Nick came up and hugged all three of us, and then Howie and AJ did the same. We stayed there for a while, telling Brian that we were there without having to say anything at all.

"Thank you," he sighed as everyone sat down again. "I mean that." He sounded a little steadier, anyway. "Uh, anyway, I came home last night and he was in bed with another guy. It shocked me, so of course I asked him what was going on. Jer jumped out of bed, grabbed me, then started hitting me again. He wouldn't stop. He just kept telling me how worthless I was and how much I deserved it. I was just a fuck and he never loved me, he said. That other guy finally pulled Jer off me and I...I ran away.

"I wandered around in the rain, but I couldn't stay. That's all I could think. Just get away. So I ended up at Josh's." He stopped, sighed, and wiped away the two tears that had leaked out of the corners of his eyes.

After a long, long silence, Nick spoke. He was subdued, but anger lurked in his eyes. "You did the right thing, bro. If I ever see him again, I'll kill him."

"Me too," Kevin growled.

"And me," Howie agreed.

"Count me in, too," AJ said lowly. "That son-of-a-bitch messed with one of us, and he's going to pay for it."

"You're not going to kill anybody," Brian said wearily. "None of you need to go to jail. I just don't want to see him again."

"You should probably press charges," Nick said. "Don't you think?"

"Do you really think that's a good idea?" I asked. "Think about it for a minute. Okay, if Brian presses charges, what happens? This goes to court and all of sudden, the world knows Brian's gay. Do you think Jeremiah's going to be quiet about it?"

"Fuck him," Kevin muttered. "We have to do something. This is Brian's health we're talking about. It's more important that people whining about his sexual orientation."

"You're right," I said. "So why not just corner Jeremiah in some dark alley and cut his sack off?"

We all had a little chuckle over that. "Maybe Michael and Jeff can help," Nick suggested quietly, a moment later.

"Hold on a second," Howie said. He looked at Brian thoughtfully. "What do you want us to do, Brian? After all, you're the one this happened to."

Brian didn't answer immediately. "I don't know," he finally said. "I don't care about pressing charges. I just don't ever want to see him again."

Kevin's eyes were almost spitting sparks. "So he just gets away with it? Come on, Brian. He hit you and he used you. You can't honestly tell me that you don't want revenge."

"I didn't say that. I just don't think it's worth it to make my dirty laundry public. I also don't want to do anything to hurt the band."

Something disturbing came to my mind as I was listening to this exchange. "You know, when Jer gets canned, he might just blow the whistle on the whole thing, anyway. Just for revenge."

"You think he would?" AJ asked. He rubbed his hands nervously over his baggy jeans and then through his blond and spiky hair. His eyes were hidden behind a pair of simple aviator shades today, so it was kind of difficult to tell what he was thinking.

"I wouldn't put it past him. He's a vindictive son-of-a-bitch. He won't be able to get to Brian physically, but he'll still probably want to hurt him. And us, while he's at it. And what better way?" In the back of my mind, I wondered just how much it would matter if everyone did know.

"Yeah," Nick argued, as if reading my thoughts, "but people know you're gay, and so far, hardly anyone has said a word about it."

"That's because I'm just in the band."

"You've never been 'just in the band.' You're one of us. You've always been one of us."

I smiled a little. "Well, thanks, but that's neither here nor there."

"No, it's not," Kevin agreed, "but maybe we could make a deal with Jeremiah. If he keeps his mouth shut, we won't press charges." He glanced at Brian. "What do you think?"

Brian nodded. "I think that sounds like the best plan. I don't want to have to talk about this again if I don't have to, and I'm sure he doesn't want to be hit with an assault charge."

"He's already got a few of those on record," I muttered. Of course, so did I, but from my other life. "It wouldn't behoove him to get arrested again."

And that was the end of it right there. With a temporary solution reached, we all just kicked back and took it easy for the rest of the day. We arranged to have Brian stay over at Kevin's for a while, and then agreed to go over to Brian's house in the morning, all six of us, and get his things. We also decided not to act on the Jeremiah thing until after we got back from New York.

The day was mostly just about making sure Brian was okay. He took a nap for while, and when he was doing that, I told them about how things had gone the night before, but I didn't say anything about Alex. Even when Nick asked, I just told him that Alex had been out. When Brian got up, we had an early meal. He ate a little better than he had at breakfast, but not much more.

Around six, I went home, without telling anyone what I was up to. I picked up things a little and threw some clothes into the washer. Mostly I was trying to burn off some of my nervous energy. I was absolutely clueless as to what I was going to tell Alex when he did finally show up.

He came a little early, holding Christian by the hand as he walked. When he saw me, Christian ran over to me and raised his chubby little arms. I picked him up and twirled him around and then set him back down.

"Uh, hi, Alex."

"Josh. Where's Brian?"

"Kevin's. We deiced it'd be better if he stayed there."

Alex nodded and walked into the house. He seemed tired. "I didn't really sleep too well last night," he said as he sat down on the couch.

"I didn't either," I lied.

Almost shyly, Alex asked, "Would you...would you tell me what happened to Brian? I realized that I didn't even ask you that last night, and it probably would have helped."

I told him everything I could, not bothering to censor any of it around Christian. The little one wasn't listening, anyway. He found Max and was chasing my good-natured shepherd around the room. I watched both out of the corner of my eye, as I watched Alex's eyes grow wider and wider at what I told him.

"So that's why he was here," I concluded tiredly. It had been a very long day. "As to why he kissed me...oh, I don't even want to bother."

"He was hurting," Alex murmured. "And he wanted someone to make him feel better. So he turned to you were here. You aren't anything like Jeremiah, and you've always been nice. He remembered what had happened between you, how you used to feel, and he went for it. He wasn't trying to seduce you and you weren't trying to get back at me."

I closed my eyes as relief washed over me. At last, he understood. "That's right," I said. "I never meant to hurt you and I didn't mean to kiss him. It was stupid, wrong, and I'm feeling bad about it." Okay, so I was laying it on a little thick. Better too much than not enough.

"You weren't exactly yourself either," Alex said. He was rationalizing this whole situation. "I mean, we'd just had a fight and you were probably pretty upset."

"Sure." That sounded like, and was, a lie. Alex had been the furthest thing from my mind when Brian had come over the night before.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap like that. I was wrong, Josh. I should have given you a little more credit." He sounded totally sincere.

"Well, I made a mistake," I said. "I was wrong, I'm sorry, too. I was being pigheaded about something that really isn't all that important. I guess I was just being selfish." I was referring to the fight we'd had before.

And like that, it was over. We kissed and made up. I smiled with a little satisfaction. I made a little mental note to tell Brian 'I told you so' the next time I saw him.

"What are you smiling about?"

"I'm glad you're home, Alex. I missed you."

"I did, too. I love you too much." He cleared his throat. "There's something I want to say, though. I...sometimes I feel like I don't trust you. It's not fair to you, I know, because you've never been unfaithful and I know you're not going to run out on me. I just get scared of losing you."

"Like last night," I said. "It would have stopped there, you understand." I allowed a little of my frustration to show through. "Why don't you trust me? I've been totally faithful to you and only you. I don't look at anyone else and I don't talk to anyone else. You're the first person on my mind in the morning, and the last when I go to bed. Why do you think I'm going to try to hurt you?"

"I've had that happen to me once. I truly thought that he loved me and cared, but he had been going around behind my back for a long time before I found out. That was part of the reason I moved away from Detroit. We worked in the same building. I trusted him too much and he burned me. I guess I just don't want that to happen again. You just don't know how much I love you and what kind of effect you have on me."

"It won't happen again," I said. "Like I keep saying, I don't know how many times and ways I can say this, but I'm not going to run out and cheat on you." I smiled. "I love you, too, you know." For some reason, that felt like a lie.

'Probably because it is,' I thought absently. After a second, the meaning of the thought hit me, and I had to stop and really think about it. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, I realized that I didn't love Alex. What I felt was peace, contentment, but not happiness. I cared about him, and he was very special to me, but it wasn't love. I knew that as certainly as I knew my own name.

But what was I going to do about it? For God's sake, I'd just made up with him. Things were right as roses between us now. How could I look him in the eye after this? A more troubling question surfaced. Did I ever really love him? The answer, I found, was no. My feelings hadn't changed much, if at all. I just hadn't known until now.

How was that possible? How could I have been so blind? Maybe I just wanted to love Alex...because he loved me so much. I sighed and covered my face with my hands.

"Josh? Are you okay?"

I looked up slowly. The concern in his eyes made Alex look years older. "I'm just thinking," I said. "I was worried we wouldn't resolve this, and it's kind of catching up to me."

"You look exhausted."

"I feel it." I got up and went into the bathroom. Once alone, I stared into my reflection in the mirror. I didn't look much different than normal, except for the worry lines that were newly etched across my forehead. I was twenty-six. Damn near twenty-seven. Not that old, true, but I sure felt it.

I splashed some cold water on my face and as I was doing that, I remembered doing something similar earlier that very day. Brian popped into my mind, along with a very troubling question: how much did he have to do with this? If not for him, I wouldn't have realized that I didn't love Alex. That was kind of ironic. If not for Brian, I don't think I would've gotten involved with Alex.

And what did that say about this situation? I told Brian no, so he ran to Jeremiah. Then Brian told me no, so I ran to Alex. And now it was unraveling right in front of all of us.

"Aw, fuck it," I muttered. I just didn't want to deal with any of it. I walked back into the living room.

"You okay?" Alex asked again.

"Just tired," I lied again.

"Oh. Well, it'll be better in the morning." He smiled up at the ceiling. "I do love you, Josh. I hope you realize that I just don't want to lose you." He scooped up Christian and put the little guy downstairs.

"I love you too," I said, to his retreating back. Oh, how hollow those words felt.

I slept poorly and still felt bad when I woke up. But since I had to be at the studio early, I had a chance to make myself look a little more natural before Alex got up. He didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. At least, I didn't think he did.

It ate at me all morning. I was in a totally different time zone and it showed, by the number of times we had to redo stuff I messed up. Finally, around eleven, the recording engineer told us to take a break and get it together. That last had been directed at me, I was sure.

Brian pulled me aside the minute I walked out the door. "Man," he said, taking my elbow, "what's going on with you today? Is it Alex? Did you guys split up?"

"Huh? Oh, no. We made up last night."

He smiled. "That's great. I'm glad to hear it."

'Yeah. Real great.' I leaned against the wall of the hallway and closed my eyes. "I guess I just didn't get enough sleep last night."

"Oh, really?" Brian's voice was suggestive, coy.

"Not because of that. Jeez, we talked for a little while and then went to bed. I just didn't sleep enough."

His voice lost the teasing edge. "Well, you've got the bags under your eyes, but I don't believe it. So, what's going on with you?"

"Nothing. Just...nothing, okay?" Rather than let him go on badgering me, I opened my eyes and looked at him closely. "You know, you don't exactly look fresh as a daisy, either. How're you holding up?"

"Better than you, obviously. Besides, you know why I'm not sleeping well."

"No need to be snippy."

"Says the pot to the kettle. Come on, Josh. You can talk to me."

What would I say? 'Well, Brian, I realized that I don't love Alex anymore. And it's your fault. So, you want to hop into the sack?' Oh, sure. That would go over well. And the thing was that I didn't want to jump into the sack with him. Or anyone. Not for a while. Not until I had a chance to step back and look at things objectively.

"There's nothing wrong," I said again, in a more normal tone. I flashed him a smile that was about as natural as a three-dollar bill and then walked toward the others. "By the way," I called over my shoulder, "I told you so."

I had to endure the same line of questioning from Kevin, but assured him that I was okay. Just didn't sleep well enough. Promise. I'd be better this afternoon. He didn't buy it, but I pushed him away before he could say too much more. Their concern was nice, but aggravating.

Things did go better in the afternoon session, mostly because I didn't want to answer questions again. And because I was tired of thinking about it. So, I focused savagely on the music and nothing else. We got more done in the next hour than we'd been able to do all morning. With that bit done, all the instrumental work was finally finished. Most of the vocals were already done, too. There were only a couple of songs that needed the vocals. More than half of the album was mixed, so it was well on its way to being finished on time.

I remembered thinking about a replacement for Jeremiah. "Hey, AJ," I said, after we'd put everything away. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Sure," he said, as we walked out of the studio. "What's up?"

"I was just thinking-"

"Oh, it's a miracle!" he interrupted. "Somebody write this down! Josh had his first thought today."

"Funny. Real funny."

"It was, I must admit." He stopped and leaned against the same wall I'd been against when I'd talked to Brian earlier. "I bet I know what you're going to say, and I think it's a good idea."

"What was I going to say?"

"Since Jeremiah's going to leave, we need a new bass player. I'm currently the only one not doing anything. I already know a little, so sure, I can swing it." He smiled. I was gaping at him. "You're drawing flies, my man. Better shut your trap."

"How'd you know-?"

"You think you're the only one who can put two and two together?"

"No. No, but-"

"Yeah, yeah. Sure. It wasn't that tough to figure out. Anyway, are you going to teach me?"

Why did I feel like I was in another reality? "Uh, yeah. There's not much time."

"So, I'll learn quick. You just show me what I need to do, I'll practice and by the time we hit the road again, I'll be ready."

"Okay. Well, we'll deal with that when we get back from New York." I chuckled and shook my head.

"We were all talking about it last night, actually," he said. "The decision was pretty much already made, and I was just getting ready to talk to you about the same thing."

"Oh."

"I've got to go. See you later, man." He grinned again and clapped my shoulder before walking off.

"Later." It was only two, so Alex wouldn't be home yet. Thank God for small favors. I decided that I'd go there and get some packing done for the trip. We were leaving early in the morning. Very early. I hated traveling. I really did.

When I got home, the first thing I saw was a dozen red roses. They were arranged in a vase on the mantle. Underneath was a card with my name on it. With a sinking stomach, I opened it and read, 'Dearest Josh, you're the light of my life. I don't want to live without you. I love you. Alex.' I had the urge to break into wild, hysterical laughter again, and controlled it only through a huge act of will.

Depression settled over me as I packed. There was no way I could go along with this anymore. But what was I going to do? What could I do? Could I really tell him that I didn't love him anymore? It didn't seem right to string him along. And suddenly, there was my answer. I had to tell him. I had to make a clean break.

When he got home, I was sitting on the couch, with what I hoped was a serious expression. Christian wasn't with him. "Where's Christian?" I asked quietly.

"He's over at Jimmy's house for the night," he told me as he went to put his stuff away. His tone was suggestive. "I thought we could have some adult time tonight." He came back into the room, and his expression became sober. "What's wrong?"

"We need to talk," I blurted, before I could chicken out.

"I can see that." Now he looked a little worried. "What about?"

I was starting to lose my nerve. I sat forward and stared at my locked hands. "Um, look, there's...there's something I need to tell you. It's...hard to say. I don't even know...where to begin."

"Just tell me," he said, concerned. "If I've done something wrong-"

"No! You haven't done anything wrong." Boy, I could tell already that this was going to be a mess. Finally, I just bit the bullet. "Alex, there's no easy way to say this, but it's over. I don't want you to get hurt, and if I stay, that's what's going to happen."

Alex's eyes welled up. "Why?" he asked softly. "I thought we were fine last night."

"I care about you so much, Alex. You're a very special man, and I'm so lucky to have you, but...I don't love you the way you want me to. I don't think I can. I honestly thought I did, but I don't. Last night, I realized it. And I'm sorry. I don't want to string you along. It's not fair." I started to reach out to him.

"Don't touch me," he said quietly. "Just...don't touch me."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled again. "I don't know what else to say."

"You've said enough."

I didn't answer, just kept watching him apprehensively. I hoped he wouldn't start yelling because my nerves were already frayed as it was. Of course, he probably wasn't exactly that calm either. I mean, jeez, the man arranges for a night alone and what happens? He gets dumped. "You know, in a way I did love you. I guess it just wasn't enough."

"I wish you'd figured it out sooner," Alex muttered, but with a little good humor. "Spared us both."

"Tell me about it." I looked at my hands. "You deserve someone better. Someone who'll take care of you and treasure you. You're a wonderful man, you know. I don't want to hurt you."

"I know," he said again. "You're too fucking noble to do something like that." He glanced down at his hands. "So, when are you going to get back together with him?"

"Who?"

"Who? Brian, that's who. That's the other reason you're getting rid of me, right? Now that he's free, you're finally going to get with him, aren't you?"

That hadn't even crossed my mind, and it wasn't something I wanted to think about right at the moment. "No," I said. "That didn't enter into it, Alex."

"Right," he said sarcastically. "I'll just bet it didn't. I mean, after all, this big revelation comes right on the heels of what happened the other night. It's not a coincidence. You're just too stubborn to admit it." He sighed. "So...this is it, huh? This is how it ends."

I didn't know what I could say, so for the third time, I said, "I'm sorry."

"Would you stop saying that? I know you are," he said. "I tried to love you as best I could, Josh. I'm sorry it wasn't enough."

"Don't be. You made me happier than I've ever been."

"Look me in the eye in a month and tell me that. I'll bet you you'll change your mind once you finally do get with Brian." He chuckled without much humor. "You're a good man, too, Josh. I guess I might be just as guilty as you for this. I didn't trust you and I tried too hard."

"We did the best we could," I said. "Maybe it just wasn't meant to be."

"I think you might be right," he said. "It would have ended sooner or later. So, you're leaving early tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Christian and I are going to be gone by the time you get back. Just do me a favor, okay? Give me my half of the house payment."

I nodded. "I can do that. Where you going to go?"

"I don't know." He seemed resigned as he stood up and headed toward the stairs. When he got there, he paused. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

"Okay. You take care of yourself too. Please. I do care, you know. Don't sell yourself short, Alex. You're going to find someone wonderful someday and you'll forget all about me."

He nodded and said, "We'll see," before disappearing down the stairs.

I sat on the couch for a long time wondering if I'd made the right decision, and finally I decided I had. But I realized that there was a part of me that was sad about it. Of course, I'd spent almost a year living with him. And hell, I was happy. I'd never been happier. I meant everything I said to him. 'Take care of yourself,' I thought.

I was up well before he was, so I left him a check for his half of the house payment and a short little note that reiterated what I'd said the night before. Plus the ring he'd given me. I felt like a bad person for doing it, but it would have been worse to string him along.

On the plane, I tried to sleep, but that didn't work. I just ended up with a kink in my neck. I couldn't stop thinking about Alex. He'd seemed very calm last when he went to bed last night. He sure took it well. A lot better than I'd expected.

His words about Brian kept echoing in my mind, but distantly. That wasn't an avenue I wanted to explore until I had a chance to distance myself from this whole situation. Hell, maybe never. I watched him sleep and wondered if I even felt anything for him anymore. Protective, yes, but other than that, I wasn't sure. I didn't want to know.

Once we got off the plane, we went to the hotel, ate (I mostly picked at my food), and then headed down to the first rehearsals. I was rather listless and didn't say much to anyone on the way there. Kevin, Howie, and AJ talked about where they planned to go out that night, and Nick made Brian smile with some silly jokes. He'd taken to cheering Brian up and so far, Brian didn't look too depressed.

When we got to the Music Hall, I went one way and the group went another. That was just fine by me. Someone found me and told me where to meet the band I'd be performing with, and there I went. After some brief introductions, I retreated into myself and didn't bother to be social. Nobody seemed to care.

We waited around for about twenty minutes before an official-looking man came and told us we had ten minutes until we had to go on. After that happened, the other guys in the band all of a sudden became animated and social. They started talking and asking me questions, which I answered with monosyllabic answers and tried to keep to myself.

Okay, so I was a little more down about this whole situation than I expected. But dammit, I made the right decision. In my head and my heart, I knew it was. I guess I was just going to miss my friend. I was amazed at how easily we'd parted.

The rehearsal went off well. Playing the music diverted my attention from other things, and I went into that with a vengeance. Besides, it was a light, funny piece. The guys and Mariah were doing something not normally done: debuting a song the night of the show. And as they sang it, they threw in some flashy, interesting choreography that made the number even more worth it.

By the time we left that evening, I felt a little better, but not much. I retreated to my hotel room and took a long shower while the others went out to dinner. I wasn't that hungry. No, I was ready to sleep for a year.

But, that didn't happen as soon as I hoped it would. After I hopped out of the shower, I threw on some casual clothes and settled down to watch TV, but just as I did, there was a soft tap at the door. Kevin and Howie stood outside.

"What's up?" I asked, as I opened the door.

"What are you doing?" Kevin asked.

"Getting ready to go to bed," I said, and then sighed. "You want to come in?"

"No," Howie said. "We're on our way out, but we just wanted to check up on you, since you didn't get come with us to dinner."

"Uh, right. I'm just awfully tired," I said. And right on cue, I yawned.

"You look it," Kevin said. "Are you okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"You seemed a little down today."

"I'm fine," I said. "Really. I just haven't been sleeping that well." It came out more naturally than I could have hoped.

They believed it. "Well, get some sleep then," Kevin said.

"Good night," Howie added. "We'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning."

"Right. Good night." I closed the door and went to lie down, but the minute I did, I wasn't tired. So I left the TV on and watched a movie. Once it was over, I shut it off and made myself try to sleep. It didn't come so easily. My mind was on overdrive that night. Not about any one thing in particular. Mostly it was about everything that had happened.

Finally, well after midnight, I fell asleep, and I dreamed about being caught in the middle between Brian and Alex. I had to choose, but I couldn't seem to make up my mind. And just as I was about to, I woke up. The first light of day was creeping through the window. I'd lived through my first day, and I guess I was all right. I felt a little better, but still kind of out of it.

Kevin came to get me at eight-thirty. By that time, I had gotten up and cleaned up, so I was ready. We had breakfast, but I picked at mine again. This time, they all seemed to notice, but nobody said anything about it. Of course, if they had, I wouldn't have answered.

The day dragged. It was the slowest day of my life. I felt flat, listless, as I waited to do the second round of sound checks. When our turn came, I slogged my way through them, and then only half-paid attention to the actual rehearsal. When we waited backstage, I didn't say much to the guys, even when they tried to talk to me. I just didn't care.

That night, they went out to dinner again. I didn't feel like going out, so I ate in. My appetite, I was happy to see, had come back. As I was finishing up, there was a knock on the door. This time, all five of them were standing there, and they came into the room without waiting for me to invite them.

"What's going on with you, Josh?" Brian asked bluntly. He was doing much better now that he was away from Jeremiah. His sense of humor was coming back, but right at that moment, he was deadly serious. They all were. "And don't you dare hide behind that 'I'm not sleeping' bullshit. We can see that for ourselves. Why aren't you sleeping?"

Well. I was quite taken aback by that. "I don't want to talk about it," I said, going over to the bed and sitting down against the headboard and drawing my knees up to my chest.

"Tough," Kevin said quietly. "We're here and we're not leaving until you tell us what's going on."

I wanted them to leave, but I knew they wouldn't. Not until I bared my soul. "I said I don't want to talk about it," I repeated. "Sometimes people have personal, private things that they don't want to talk about. This is one of them."

Brian saw right through me. "It's got something to do with Alex, doesn't it?" I looked at him quizzically. "You're not wearing your ring, and haven't been this whole trip."

The sympathy in his voice grated on my last nerve. "What part of 'personal, private things' don't you get? I said I don't want to talk about it."

"And I said tough," Kevin said. "We're going to be on the road here soon, and this is the last thing we need. Plus, we're your friends and we'd like to help. Does it have something to do with Alex?"

"No. Just leave it alone."

"We can't do that."

"Sure you can. Nothing you can say is going to make me talk." Why did I suddenly feel like I was in the middle of one of those interrogation rooms? You know, the kind with the bright light and the good cop/bad cop bullshit. Well, maybe it was because I was all but surrounded by five grown men who were all bigger than me. No, no, wait. I got it. It was like being surrounded by a whole lot of school bullies. Who all happened to sing and dance. I chuckled to myself behind my hand.

Apparently no one else caught the humor in the situation. "What in the hell is your problem?" AJ asked. "We just want to help."

I realized my crazy little mind-wanderings had cheered me up. For the first time in a while, I felt normal. "Guys, look," I said rationally, "I'm fine. Really. Thanks for your concern, but I'm a big boy now, and I don't need you to hold my hand for me."

"No, you need someone to slap you upside the head," Howie said quietly. He wasn't smiling.

I frowned. "Why would want to do that? Especially after..." It had been on the edge of my tongue to say, 'after what happened with Brian,' but I decided not to. That would have been tacky.

"What?" Kevin asked.

"It wasn't important."

"Why aren't you wearing your ring?" he fired.

"Why do you think?"

"Did you break up?"

"No, I'm having it cleaned in Orlando."

"Why isn't he here?" AJ asked.

"Are we playing 'Twenty Questions'?" I shot back. This was really getting on my nerves. My personal life was really none of their business. Besides, I didn't want to talk about it. Period. Of course, they weren't going to leave until I told them something.

"You're the one playing games," Brian said. "It's not healthy to keep things bottled up inside, you know. You're the one who taught me that."

So I had. "You know, I really don't want to talk about this. But, since you're not playing fair, fine. You want the truth? Yeah, we split up the night before we left for here."

The room was quiet for ten seconds. I counted. And then, Brian looked at me very carefully. "I thought you said-"

I raised my hands. If there is one phrase in the English language I can't stand, it's that one. That and, 'Just keep telling yourself that.' "Brian, stop. Before you even say a word, yes, we were just fine. But things changed."

"Did it have anything to do with...um, us?" he asked tentatively. I thought I saw the faintest spark of hope in his eyes. "With what happened that night?"

The other four in the room looked back and forth between the two of us suspiciously. AJ and Kevin exchanged looks and then turned our way. "Josh...did...did you cheat on Alex?" AJ asked.

Whoa. That was almost too much. I started to smile, and then realized he was serious. "That's no to both of you."

"Then what-?"

"Now that I won't say. It doesn't have any bearing on why we broke up."

"So...this is what's been bugging you?" Nick asked.

"Yep," I admitted, and shut my mouth.

They didn't look like they were going anywhere. Almost as if they were held up by one string, all five of them sat down. There was a table with three chairs, which Kevin, Howie, and Nick appropriated. Brian and AJ sat at the foot of my bed, and I still sat against the headboard with my knees drawn up under my chin.

"So why don't you want to talk about it?" Brian asked.

"It's none of your business."

"Sometimes you're too private for your own good," Kevin murmured. "Now, do you want to talk about it?"

"No," I snapped.

"Why?"

I counted to ten three times before answering, "It. Is. None. Of. Your. Business. Do I need to diagram that sentence?" It occurred to me then why I didn't want to answer the question. They, most notably Brian, would jump to conclusions, and I didn't want that to happen.

After another five minutes of that charade, they gave up. "All right, fine," Kevin sighed. "You don't want to talk, then don't. Just don't come crying to us later."

"I won't," I said, and I meant it.

"Well, I guess we're going to go out, then. I know you're gonna say no, but want to come along?"

I shrugged and thought about it for a second. "Sure. Why not?" Five minutes later, I was dressed and ready to go.

We went to a noisy, crowded, upscale little dance club Kevin and Howie really liked. Once we all got inside, the guys dispersed. AJ and Howie hit the dance floor, and Kevin went to find the DJ. Nick, Brian, and I hung back, but were soon accosted by a couple of young women, who promptly dragged Nick away. That just left Brian and me.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me to a table in the back, where he figured we'd be less apt to be noticed. Of course, when he said 'we', he really meant himself. I got noticed sometimes, but not very often. Thank God for that. The fact that I was openly gay helped, too.

It was very dark inside, and with the strobe lights flashing, the place had an eerily disconnected quality. Smoke from cigarettes created a low fog around the entire floor. Bodies crammed together in a sweaty mass and seemed to literally pour over one another in an attempt to find room to move around the small dance space. The noise was incredible. Sound roared out of an expensive system, and the constant din of people milling around toward the back blended into a single note so discordant and loud that I felt like my ears were going to bleed. It sure as hell didn't help my headache any. Why, oh why did I agree to come?

We had two options as Brian saw it. We could either shout at each other or sit very, very close. He opted for the second option, of course, which meant he all but sat in my lap so that he could talk to me. He didn't like it much, either. There was something about being in crowds that drove both of us nuts.

"Well...this was a mistake," he said into my ear.

"I know!"

"Oh well. Listen, you want to hang here for a little bit and then jet?"

"Sure."

We sat and watched the others try to move on the tightly packed dance floor. The smell of alcohol combined with the acrid scent of cigarettes about made me puke. I was going to be deaf, blind, and sicker than a dog by the time I got out of there that night.

Nick and AJ had been cornered by some older women (older than they were used to seeing, anyway) and we could see that they were pressed into the mass on the floor with these women practically draped on them. Poor guys. They both looked like they desperately wanted to be somewhere else. Howie, however, looked like he was having the time of his life.

Finally, Brian and I decided we'd had enough, so we slipped out when no one was paying attention. The cool night air, though tainted with that uniquely New York smell, was absolutely wonderful as it hit my lungs. My sinuses, which had clogged, started draining. "God," I muttered. "Why did I agree to come?" My ears were buzzing.

"Good question," Brian said, falling into step beside me. "I hate those places. I can't understand why they like them so much."

"Maybe it's better not to try."

"You're probably right." He flagged a passing cab, which promptly pulled to a stop right in front of us. The ride, which was about fifteen minutes long, was totally silent. I actually started dozing off, which was a very good sign.

When we got to the hotel, Brian paid the driver and we made our way inside. In the elevator, it seemed like he wanted to say something, but he never did. We parted without a word, and I was asleep before my head touched my pillow.

I woke up early the next morning, but I'd managed to sleep longer than I had in days. As I stretched and rolled out of bed, I felt good. Oh sure, there was still the sore spot on my heart, but it wasn't as big. A sense of relief washed over me as I cleaned up and got ready for the last bit of rehearsals.

It was still pretty early when I finished getting dressed, so I left the room and went for a walk. I got to a relatively clear vantage and saw the sun come up between a couple of huge skyscrapers. The wind was just starting to pick up and bits of trash blew every which way, but it didn't matter. What did was that I was alive, I was healthy, and it was time to start acting like it.

'After all,' I told myself, 'you were the one who broke up with him. And there was a very good reason for it.' I walked for a couple of hours, through mobs of bleary-eyed folk making their way to work. I glanced at my watch at one point and realized that I needed to get back to the hotel. Everyone would be up soon, and I didn't want to be late.

I did end up getting back a little late. Okay, okay, so it was quite a bit late, but I went right up to Kevin's room when I got back. He wasn't very happy when I strolled into his room.

"And just where the hell were you?" he snapped. "We're leaving in fifteen minutes." Everyone else looked equally annoyed. I would have been willing to bet that some of that stemmed from the night before.

"Out," I said. "Walking."

"You know, you really had us worried," Howie said. "I mean, it's not like you to just take off like that without telling us."

"Oh, for-" I stopped before I said something I could regret. After counting to ten a couple of times, I smiled. "I'm a big boy, now, guys. Jeez, I woke up a little early, so I decided to take a walk. I'm sorry I didn't leave a note."

This seemed to placate them. Kevin nodded and thumped me on the back. "Next time, do that."

"All right, Dad." I was too cheerful to be sarcastic.

"Wise ass," Kevin muttered, but he smiled. "So, how are you this morning?"

I looked around the room pointedly. Other than Brian, who looked about as relaxed and laid-back as I'd seen him in a while, everyone looked dead. "Well, better than the rest of you, I'd say. When did you get back?"

"One or two."

"Mm. Good night?"

"No," Nick said. He looked about the worst out of all of them. His eyelids kept wanting to slide shut, like he was about to nod off at any second. "It was way too crowded and it only got worse. About the time we were getting ready to go, someone started a fight, and it got real nasty." He held up his right hand, and on the back there was a deep gash. "Flying glass."

"Ouch."

"Yeah, well, you pack two hundred people in a place that's only supposed to hold one-fifty and things like that tend to happen." He rested his forehead on his arms.

"Guess it's a good thing we left when we did," Brian said.

AJ roused himself a little. "You know, you and Josh were awfully chummy when you left last night," he said quietly, but there was no mistaking the suggestion in his voice. "Any particular reason?"

"Oh, sure," Brian said with biting sarcasm. "I wanted to do him right in the middle of the club, but it wouldn't have been polite. You know, we have to keep up appearances."

"Okay, okay," AJ said. "No need to bite my head off." He smiled just the same. "So, why did you leave so early then, if you're not, uh, you know, doin' the wild thang?"

I turned just a little red at that, and turned to glance at Brian. And I knew exactly what he was thinking: 'We should be doing the wild thing.' Oh, man. "The, um, smoke was getting to me," I said. "I've told you all before that I'm a little allergic to it."

"Uh-huh," Kevin said, smiling brightly as he got into the good humor of the moment. "Sure. Whatever you say, Josh."

"Aw, stuff it. Nothing was going on. And," I added, moody all of a sudden, "nothing ever will."

That caught everyone off guard. Brian sat back and looked away, quite unhappily. Kevin and Howie exchanged glances, AJ chewed his lower lip thoughtfully, and Nick just looked at his hands. Boy, did I know how to kill a good mood, or what? There was a very long silence between us.

Nick stood up finally, and broke the silence. "I think it's time to go."

"Uh, right," Kevin agreed, getting to his feet and grabbing his jacket. "Come on, boys."

The ride over was mostly silent, which was fine. Once we arrived, I wandered off to find the other band. They were tuning their instruments, getting them ready for one final sound check and rehearsal. Since the awards were going to be given out this evening, it would be a short day. Given the way the guys looked this morning, that was probably a good thing. They all needed naps.

Everything went as planned, and we were able to leave shortly after noon. The Boys were heading back to the hotel to catch a little more shut-eye, but I got invited to tag along with the band I was playing with as they went out to lunch. I agreed to go, since I wasn't tired and didn't particularly want to stick around the hotel all afternoon.

There were two women and two men in the band, discounting myself. They were a very tight bunch, but after I'd proven myself the first day, they'd been quite welcoming. We went to a nice restaurant with a relaxed atmosphere, which went with their personalities. The food was good, the company was good, and it took my mind off of things.

Afterward, I took off and headed back to the hotel. I spent the better part of the next couple of hours reading a book and not thinking about much. I dozed off, though, and was awakened by a very sharp knock at the door. It was AJ, and it was time to go. We had to get dressed and then we were going out to get something to eat before heading to the show.

I combed my hair first, and then followed. The others were already on the way to the car. They all looked more alert and refreshed. Me, I felt scratchy-eyed and tired. Probably not too much unlike how they'd been feeling earlier. I stared vacantly out the window. The days were getting shorter and the sun was reaching the horizon line.

Brian's voice brought me out of my reverie. "Josh?"

"Mm?" I glanced in his direction and saw a rather silly grin on his face. "What?"

"You want to be my date tonight?"

I broke out into an answering grin. "Sure, why not?"

"Good. I won't feel so left out."

"Left out?"

"Everyone else has a date."

"Oh." I blinked and then smiled. "You're going to look so pathetic."

"Thanks," Brian retorted. "Thanks a lot. It's nice to know I can count on you to make me feel better."

"Anytime," I said, companionably enough. While the rest of them talked about the upcoming performance, I stared out the window again and just let myself drift. I felt quiet. I know that's not technically a feeling, but it's about the best I can describe it. In my mind, I heard some soft, classical music. I was calm, peaceful, and my thoughts were few and far between, thus quiet.

I stayed pretty much in that quiet zone while we picked through clothing to wear. It didn't take me long. I picked black trousers, a sapphire blue dress shirt, and a black jacket. I planned on wearing the dress shirt open at the throat with a white T-shirt underneath. The whole ensemble seemed to match my personality. Plus, black and blue were my colors.

The others took a little longer, so I was dressed and pressed well before any of them. When I got back out into the main room, where the others were still sifting through racks of clothes, I heard a low whistle.

Brian grinned when I looked at him. "That blue is definitely your color. Makes your eyes really stand out. You look great."

I felt my cheeks heat up. "Thanks."

Out of the six of us, I ended up the most formally dressed, but that was nothing new. Kevin ended up in a dark long-sleeved sweater and tan slacks. Brian's look was quite reminiscent of the 'I'll Never Break Your Heart' video, except that he put a jacket over his shirt. Nick went with grays and greens, Howie with dark slacks and a deep red dress shirt of an unusual cut, and AJ went with dark green, baggy pants and a sleeveless, but ornate, black shirt.

"Looks good," I said, after we were all dressed.

"Not bad," Howie agreed. Then he broke out into a huge grin. "We look hot!"

"Damn straight," AJ said, slicking the sides of his hair with one hand and then snapping his fingers.

Kevin rolled his eyes and then grinned. "You really do love yourself, don't you, AJ?"

"That's because no one else will," Nick jumped in. He danced backward to avoid AJ's good-natured punch, but his feet got tangled together and he ended up in a heap on the floor. His head had banged against the wall.

"Are you okay, Nick?" Brian asked.

Nick didn't answer for a second, and then shook his head. My heart leapt into my throat and for an awful moment, I was afraid he'd broken something. "I bit my tongue," he said.

We all breathed sighs of relief. "Damn," AJ said. "You scared the hell out of me, Nicky." He reached out and helped Nick to his feet. "I would have felt awful if you'd really hurt yourself."

"I did hurt myself. You don't think biting your tongue hurts?"

"No. Now, stop being a puss. We've got to go."

"Right," Kevin jumped in. "And on that note, the girls will be meeting us at the hotel, so we need to get back and then get going."

AJ and Nick kept carping at each other in the limo, but it was mostly harmless and kind of funny. I was reminded forcibly of when I'd first met them. It was so interesting to watch the way they interacted then, and even now, it still brought a smile to my face to watch them. And it was even more interesting to be included into it.

All four of the Boys who weren't gay had changed girlfriends recently, but out of them, Kevin and Howie seemed especially serious about the girls who met us at the hotel. They were all different, but similar: slender figures, clear, pretty faces, and expensive-looking dresses.

Kevin's date, Michelle, had reddish-brown hair and sparkling green eyes. She smiled prettily when Kevin offered her his arm. Rebecca, Howie's date, looked a little worn, but still nice in her dark blue dress. She was taller than Howie, with black hair and gray-green eyes. Nick's date was a little younger than him, and quite a bit shorter. She had dark blond hair, blue-green eyes, and a very thin frame, but the dress she wore fit her perfectly. I liked her a lot. Samantha, whom AJ'd asked to accompany him, was the latest-come out of all of them. She was tall and quiet with mild blue eyes and brown hair.

They'd arrived separately, all four of them, and just today. I thought that was kind of strange, but Kevin had told me that the girls had been busy running their own lives and that they'd had things to take care of before spiriting off to accompany their dates. Well...

I glanced at Brian out of the corner of my eye as we were heading down to the cars. We'd be taking two for comfort's sake. Each of the four women had taken her date's arm. Brian and I were walking stag. I threw him a mischievous grin and walked over to him.

"You know, you're right. You do look pathetic." I offered him my arm, which he took. "There. Now everyone has a date."

"Aw, isn't that cute?" AJ teased, glancing at Howie. "Told you it'd only be a matter of time."

"What are you talking about?" Brian asked.

"Oh, nothing," AJ said coyly. "Nothing at all."

"Sure," I snorted. Everyone chuckled at that. When we got to the car, Brian and I decided not to split up. We went together into the bigger of the two cars along with Nick and Amanda, and AJ and Samantha. I've laughed a lot in my life, but I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did in that car. Brian, Nick, and AJ were all buzzing on sugar, so the comedy flew fast and furious between them. And Amanda proved to have a wonderful sense of humor, as well. Samantha and I both kind of kept back and watched from the sidelines.

Security had instructed us earlier not to leave the car until they had everything secure, so when we arrived at the Radio City Music Hall, we did just what they said. We'd gone around back and through the tinted windows, we could see and hear a sea of people. Finally, after almost ten minutes, everything was clear and we got out.

It was even louder than I'd thought it'd be. It was kind of confusing, being in the middle of half a dozen security folk plus the group. But we got through to the red carpet without much incident, and the roar that went up as we passed was awesome.

I looked at Brian again and he had a wicked glint in his eye. He offered his arm, and after a moment's hesitation, I took it. His eyes said exactly what I thought: screw it. We were just joking around anyway. I noticed a few strange looks, though, from some people as we walked on by. I noticed an even stranger look on Kevin's face as we went in, and that I was concerned about.

Once we'd gone in and gotten the ladies seated, we had to go back out for a few minutes. That ever-obligatory MTV thing. Once again surrounded by our security, we made our way back out. Someone directed us over to a relatively protected area out of the way, and two minutes later, the six of us were sitting across from Kurt Loder.

He made a little idle talk while we waited, just to give us a general idea of what he was going to ask. Mostly, it had to do with the new tour that we'd be starting here shortly, and the fact that we were losing the rest of the band. Plus, he was curious as to what happened to Brian's face. Makeup didn't cover it all, and the bruises were still visible. Fortunately, we'd thought about that already.

The camera started rolling and Kurt started. "Welcome back. I'm here with a group that's been causing quite a stir in the last few years. The Backstreet Boys are nominated for five awards tonight, including Video of the Year and Viewer's Choice. Welcome."

Since we were the shortest, Brian, Howie, and I were all sitting down in front. The rest were standing. There were four microphones between the six of us, but it was really hard to hear over the shrieking. I was sitting right next to Kurt, and even I had a difficult time hearing him. But we managed.

"So," Kurt said, raising an eyebrow at me and Brian, "I noticed you came in arm-in-arm. Any particular reason for that?"

I looked at Brian a little worriedly, and then I knew just what to say. "Oh, all the other guys came with dates tonight, and Brian doesn't have a girlfriend. He looked kinda pathetic, and I felt sorry for him, so I offered to be his escort."

"Gee, thanks," Brian said. "But that's the truth."

Kurt looked like he wanted to ask something else, but he just said, "Uh-huh. Well, you have a new album coming out soon. What's that going to be like?"

Kevin fielded that one. "It's different from anything we've done before. We're taking a pretty big risk with it, but hopefully people will understand."

"How different?"

"We wrote all the music," AJ said. "The six of us put it together mostly on the road. We also arranged most of the vocals and played our own instruments."

Kurt raised his eyebrows in surprise. This was the first time that this information had gone public. He recovered quickly. "Are you going to be playing your own instruments on the road this winter?"

"Matter of fact, yes," Kevin said. "The only member of the touring band staying is Josh, here. The rest of us are going to be taking over."

"Who plays what?"

"Well, I play piano, Brian's on lead guitar, Howie's on rhythm, Nick's on drums, and AJ's on bass. Josh can play just about anything. Mostly, he does violin and sax, but he might take over one of the guitars for one or two songs. We all still sing."

"Including Josh?"

"No," I answered for myself. "No, that I don't do."

"Hmm. How long has this been in the works?"

"Since early this year," I said.

Kurt shook his head. "Looking forward to hearing it. Now, you're up for five awards tonight. Any one you really want?"

"Nope," Howie said. "We'll be happy to get anything."

"Of course," Brian added, "Viewer's Choice is always nice." He liked that one. They'd won it a couple years back, but hadn't gotten anything since.

"Any performances you're looking forward to seeing?" Kurt asked.

"TLC," Kevin said. There was general consensus, and that was it. Kurt thanked us and we headed back into the Hall. We were scheduled to perform about halfway into the show, so we took it easy while we waited for the show to start.

Finally, about thirty minutes later, things got under way. David Spade and Janine Garofolo were co-hosting, and the opening exchange was a bit terse and nit-picky, but funny nonetheless. Both being masters at biting sarcasm, they bantered endlessly back and forth, each exposing the other's weakness and exploiting it.

I was sitting in between Brian and Nick. On Brian's other side were Howie and Rebecca, and then a couple of our producers and then Michael and Jeff with their wives. The others were on Nick's left, seated closer to the aisle. I started to get a bored with the opening routine and just wanted them to get on with it.

Finally, they did. And bang, first up was Best Pop Video. We were up against Ricky Martin, again, a newcomer named Shawna King, a relatively new boy group called Seven, and 'N SYNC. Ricky had taken the award for the last three years, but this time, we got it.

It was kind of a surprise, and the Boys jumped up as soon as they hear the man say, "And the winner is...Backstreet Boys' 'Life on the Back Streets.'" After some quick hugs from the girlfriends and managers, the five of them made their way up to the stage, dragging me behind them.

I hung back while the rest of them thanked the fans, thanked God, thanked management, and everyone else. When Nick got up, he also thanked me and someone pushed me forward. I managed to stammer something really stupid and then moved away. Our time was up by then, so we moved off-stage.

The guys were stoked. "This is so cool!" Howie exclaimed as we got to the back. "I can't believe we won one."

AJ laughed. "Josh, man, you really looked like an idiot up there."

I blushed. "I felt like one. I didn't want to go up there in the first place."

"Why not?"

"'Cause I don't feel like it's my place."

"Again, why not?"

"I don't know. I guess I just don't feel like one of you." And that was true. I always saw myself as separated from the group, a little on the outside. And suddenly, I was being pushed into the middle of them. I didn't know if I was entirely comfortably with that.

AJ started to look exasperated. "For the third time, why?"

"Because I've been in the background since I got here, and that's what I'm used to. I don't like a lot of attention."

Kevin grinned. "Well, tough." He led us back out to our seats, and his expression sobered. "Listen, I know you and Brian were just kidding around about that dating thing, but I really wish you wouldn't do that again. It doesn't look right. Especially in public."

I wondered if he knew how that sounded. Looked like he didn't, so I just shrugged and tried to look properly chastised. "Sure, Kev. Won't happen again."

He scowled as he thought about what he'd said. "That didn't really sound right. What I meant was-"

"I know what you meant, and you're right."

"Oh."

We took our seats a few moments later and waited. The next few awards were for hip-hop/R&B male artist of the year. I can't remember who got that, or the female one. I was kind of busy having a whispered discussion with Nick about something totally off the subject. I think we were talking about comic books.

The first performance I got to see was TLC, and indeed they were excellent. That was well worth the wait. The next one was Korn with Limp Bizkit. Ever hear those lines from 'MacBeth'? You know: the ones about it being a tale told by an idiot full of sound and fury that signifies nothing? That sums it up nicely. Noise, no real musical value. Hell, there wasn't even a real melody.

The director of our video was nominated for a Best Director award, but got skipped over in favor of a very innovative video by Korn. It was a good, and well-deserved choice. They gave out the rap awards, and by then, we were headed backstage to get ready for our performance.

While we waited, they handed out the Best Group Video award. We were nominated, and so were TLC, Korn, and a couple others I can't really remember. TLC very deservedly walked away with the award. Right after they took their awards, we went on.

It was a different kind of song, but watching it all come together was pretty neat. Everyone was dressed in different colors, ranging from AJ's lemon yellow to Brian's neon green and Nick's electric blue. They looked a little silly, but that was the point of the song. It was funny and stupid, so they acted that way. It was called 'Under the Rainbow', which was why each of them wore a different color.

Meanwhile, I hadn't changed clothing, and I felt a little dumb up there. Some people were seeing the humor, but a lot of them weren't. I could see them thinking, 'What in the hell is this? A boy band acting like a group of drunken idiots?' But, halfway through the song, I caught the free sprit of the moment and thought, 'Screw 'em.' After that, I had a good time without worrying about anyone else.

The guys themselves seemed to be having a good time getting the fans up front to dance and laugh, so that was really cool. And when it was all over, we took our bows and headed backstage for a few minutes to cool off. Everyone was pumped, and we'd had a good time, which was all that mattered.

We got back out and took our seats again and then watched Best Male Video, Best Female Video, Best Art Direction, stuff like that get handed out between some other really good performances. Every so often, I'd glance over at Brian and see him look at me oddly, but then he'd smile. I wondered what that was all about, but didn't get around to asking.

The show wound down finally until there were only a couple of awards left to give out, and since we were nominated for both, the group paid special attention. The first one was Viewers' Choice, which was the one that most of the guys were more interested in getting.

"And the winner is..." The young lady struggled with the envelope. "Sorry. Stupid thing. The winner is the Backstreet Boys' 'Life on the Back Streets.'"

Howie shot out of his chair as if stung, but he was grinning. This was the one he really, really wanted. He laughed and tore Kevin out of his seat, as the rest of us took our time getting to our feet. Overhead, the music to the song-our song-blared and I smiled. It felt nice, and this time, I didn't make an ass out of myself onstage.

We hauled ass back to our seats after getting our awards and I looked at Brian. "Two is better than one."

"I'm happy to get any at all," Brian answered, adjusting in his seat. "Of course, this is really cool." A little hesitantly, he touched my hand and smiled hopefully. "Can we talk later?"

"Sure," I answered without thinking. When I realized what I'd said, I sighed and wondered what he wanted to talk about. Judging by the look in his eyes, I figured it had something to do with the fact that we were both single...need I say more?

Strange thing was that I wasn't sure what to think about that. I hadn't really even started dealing with it because Alex was so fresh in my mind. Of course, I was feeling a lot better about that whole situation and I could think about Alex and Christian without wanting to cry. I'd made the right decision. I had.

Of course, that begged the question: exactly how much did Brian figure into that decision? It was easy to tell myself that he didn't factor into it at all, but that wasn't quite the truth. Had he not ended up over at the house when he did, things would definitely be different. I'd still be blissfully unaware of my own...feelings.

I blinked and stared at my hands, suddenly caught off-guard. Oh, God. What was it that Alex kept saying? I duped myself into thinking I loved him when I really loved Brian? I thought back a ways. There was a time, before this whole circus with Alex and Jeremiah started, that I loved Brian. There was a time, right after I decided to quit teaching after my first year, that I was going to tell him how I felt.

And then Jeremiah came along. Suddenly I couldn't have Brian anymore, so...oh, dear God, how could I have been so dumb? Alex knew it all along. I couldn't have Brian, so I turned to Alex, with whom I knew I could be content, and convinced myself that I loved him. Sure.

But where did that leave me now? Before I got a chance to tackle that question, I realized someone was grabbing the back of my collar and hauling me to my feet. Startled, I glanced at the others and saw expressions of wild joy. Everyone around us was clapping, and I heard the song playing over the speakers again.

Brian pushed me from behind and the group headed up to the stage again. What had we won? I'd been so wrapped up in my thoughts that I'd missed it. Then it hit me. There had only been one more award to win, and that was Video of the Year. 'Oh, good move, Josh,' I thought. 'That's the one you wanted, and you weren't even paying attention.'

I pushed my glasses back up on my nose and tried to clear my head a little as we stood under the harsh lights. Still, my thoughts hung around, even as I watched an overly exuberant Nick babble something into the microphone. Then Howie went, then AJ, and Kevin, and Brian. I hung back, but finally got pushed to the front. I hadn't the slightest idea what to say, so I just did what I'd done the first time: babble out something dumb and retreat.

Backstage, AJ nudged my shoulder. "Where were you? It seemed like you didn't even hear it when we were announced."

I blushed. "I, uh, I didn't. I was...thinking."

"He didn't even realize what was going on until I grabbed his collar," Brian said. "He just sat staring at his hands. What were you thinking about so hard, Josh?"

"Ask me again later," I said, just for him. I was rewarded with a bright smile. "So now what?"

"Oh, we hang around for the party here for a little bit, and then we're off for a private party," Kevin said, joining in. "You don't have to go if you don't want."

Brian threw me a significant look before saying, "I don't think I want to go."

"Count me out, too," I said.

AJ and Kevin glanced at each other and then smiled. "Little private time, eh?" AJ suggested coyly.

"Yeah," I said, equally coy. "We've been waiting all day. Tonight, it's going to be just the two of us. Alone. In a dark room. Clothing optional."

Brian had grabbed a glass of water, and when he heard what I'd said, he nearly choked. Kevin and AJ, and now Nick, all looked like their eyes were going to bug out. "Really?" AJ asked. He looked like he wasn't sure whether I was kidding or serious.

"Yeah," I said again. "You want to watch?"

"Uh, no."

"You sure? Three's just as fun as two."

Kevin snickered, and Nick, finally catching the joke, did too. But AJ was still not quite sure. "N-no." He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "You're joking, right?"

"Yes I am."

"Forgive him," Kevin said. "He's a little slow." He turned to AJ. "There's nothing going on between the two of them." And then he looked to Brian and me. "Is there?"

I stepped very close to Brian and threw an arm around his shoulders, not caring who saw. "Are you sure about that?" Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brian's surprise, and then understanding. After all, it was just a gag.

He got into the spirit of things by putting his arm around my shoulder. "Yeah, Kev, you sure about that?"

"Excuse me," someone said from behind us. I dropped my arm in a hurry and saw someone from the MTV News staff. He looked a little embarrassed at having walked in on the little gag, but went on nonetheless. "Before you go, Kurt wants an interview."

"Again?" Kevin asked. Then he shrugged and threw the two of us dirty looks. "Just come and get us whenever." Once the kid was gone, his look darkened further. "I just want a straight answer. Nothing's going on, right?"

"No," I answered.

"No," Brian echoed. "Not yet anyway." He smiled when I looked up sharply. Everyone but Kevin smiled at that.

"Be more careful," Kevin admonished. "You know better anyway. With the kinds of press vultures hanging around here, even your little joke could be a big tabloid scandal tomorrow morning."

Sufficiently chastened, I stepped away from Brian. "Yeah, yeah," I muttered. I hoped nobody had seen it. We'd have a lot of explaining to do about the little stunt we pulled walking into the building, I was sure. But even that didn't bother me.

Howie walked up to the group just then. He'd wandered off to talk to someone about collaborating on a song and he had a rather large smile on his face. "We ready?"

"The girls are waiting," Kevin said.

We met the young women out front and then, with our standard security entourage, headed out. I stayed away from Brian this time. The joke was over. It wasn't funny anymore. I got back my mental conversation.

Where did that leave me, exactly? Knowing that I displaced my feelings for Brian onto Alex, that is. Did that mean that I still loved him? I wasn't sure. He walked a little ahead of me almost everyone else. I watched him a little as he laughed with his cousin, wondering what I did feel.

When I first met him, I'd fallen quickly and hard. We'd both been reluctant to let go. The second time was even worse because he'd begged me to stay. I'd loved him then, too, but I was just too afraid to let him love me. So I ran away and hid behind a flimsy excuse. And when I came back the third time, I stopped fighting it, but it was too late. I remember being so devastated when I found about Jeremiah. That's how much I loved Brian.

But that didn't answer my question. As I followed him, and watched him, I remembered how I used feel about him. And why I used to feel that way. His eyes. That smile. The way he moved, with completely unconscious ease. His personality. I loved him because of it all. And now-

"You know," a quiet voice said at my side, "you might want to take a picture. It's not polite to stare."

I jumped guiltily and felt myself start to blush. I turned and smiled sheepishly at AJ, whose expression was serious. Samantha, his date, was with the other group, ahead of us. "Uh, I was...thinking."

AJ raised his eyebrows and glanced in Brian's direction. "About him?" He seemed really interested in what was going on between Brian and me. Thinking back, he was the one making almost all the coy suggestions and things like that. Hmm...

Aw, what the hell? "Yeah, I was."

"What about him?"

I hesitated before answering. "I was...I guess I was just trying to figure out how I, um, how I feel about him."

That got a smile. "And?"

"You know, I don't know. To be honest, I fell in love with him the day I met him. I'm not sure I ever really stopped. Even with Alex...I mean, he kept telling me that I just conned myself into thinking I loved him when it was Brian I wanted."

AJ nodded. "I wondered. It seemed like you got into that whole thing with Alex awfully fast. I think they call it a rebound relationship."

That sounded right. "Can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"What I didn't tell you last night is that I was the one who broke things off with Alex."

AJ frowned. "Why did you do that?"

"I found that I didn't love him." I paused, considering. "I didn't tell you that last night because-"

"You didn't want Brian getting the wrong idea."

I nodded. "Right. I wanted a little time to think about things without him getting the wrong idea. And I get the impression that he's pretty interested in starting something up, even though we're both just now coming off of intense relationships."

"So, what do you think about that?"

"I don't know. That's what I was thinking about when they called our number for the last award."

"Hmm." AJ smiled and kept his eyes focused on Brian. "I'll tell you something. I think, and so do Nick and Howie, that you and Brian really do belong together. But not until you think you're ready."

I smiled back. "So that's where all this innuendo has come from lately. Since when have you become a matchmaker?"

"Well, now's about as good a time as any. Besides, you know me. A hopeless romantic to the core." He looked at me, suddenly sober. "Don't think about it too much, because it'll be too late if you do. Go with what your heart tells you."

I thought about that for a moment, and tried very hard to look into my heart. What did I feel about Brian in there? Something. He was my friend. There was pretty deep affection and fondness for that smile. Those eyes. That crazy sense of humor. His slender body that I wouldn't mind running hands all over- Oh, dear. I looked at AJ with wide eyes.

"Talk to him," AJ said. "Don't let him slip away." With that last, he moved to join Samantha, and I overheard him saying something about playing matchmaker.

That was it then. It ran deeper than simple affection, and almost like a bolt out of the blue, I realized that Alex definitely had been right. I loved Brian all along. I never, ever stopped. There were no doubts about it. Just a sense of rightness.

When the hell did AJ get to be so smart about this stuff? Or so good at forcing me to see what had been in front of me all the time? I made a mental note to thank him profusely, and then I joined the group as we arrived at the party.

Someone came up to the group and told us that we were going to be interviewed in five minutes, and to head over. I sighed and followed along. I was full of nervous energy, all of a sudden and I wanted to get out of there so I could walk some of it off.

The interview with Kurt only lasted five minutes, and I kept my mouth shut for most of it. I think I said something about being pleased with winning, but that was all. The others went off about the new lineup for the fall tour and plugged the new album, and then we were done.

"Well," Kevin said, once we'd stepped away from the cameras, "since we're all done here, I guess we're going to head over to the other party."

"Sounds like a plan," Howie agreed.

"We're in," Nick said.

AJ nodded. "Us, too." He glanced at Brian and me and hid a smile behind his hand. "I take it you two don't want to join us?"

"Not me," I said.

"No," Brian agreed. "I think I'll just head back to the hotel. We'll see you all later."

"Bye," I said. And with that, Brian and I walked toward the smaller car with a couple of the security guards, who, after seeing that we were safely in, left us alone.

The ride back to the hotel was kind of awkward. I wanted to start talking, but didn't quite know what to say. So, I ended up saying nothing at all. Neither did Brian. He kept his eyes focused out the window and hummed something under his breath.

Finally, we got to the hotel. Once we got out of the car, Brian asked, "Your room or mine?"

I looked at him strangely. "Yours, I guess."

His tone was sober. "I want to talk, Josh."

"That's what you said earlier." We waited in silence for the elevator, and then rode up without saying anything. I followed him into his room.

Once we got inside, he relaxed a little. He took off his jacket and ducked into the bathroom for a minute. While he was in there, I took off my jacket and rolled up the sleeves of my shirt. It was a little warm in here, I noticed as I sat down in one of the chairs at the table. I tipped the chair against the wall and waited.

He came out of the bathroom wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and then sat down across from me at the table. "All right. I just want you to hear me out on this, okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay. Here goes." He took a deep breath and said very quietly, "I, um, I just wanted to...to tell you that I...um...that I never really stopped loving you."

I raised my eyebrows. "Really?"

"Really. That thing with Jeremiah...I was just kidding myself. I got together with him because I was so hurt over losing you. I didn't think I'd ever get to see you again, so I went to the first person who showed even the smallest interest. I was...lonely. And I missed you so much. You have no idea..."

"I think I do," I said softly. "And I'm sorry. I've thought about that so often since it happened. That night. I was selfish."

"So was I. I shouldn't have put so much pressure on you. You weren't ready for it." He chuckled without much humor. "I forgot how independent you are. It's hard for you to just let someone love you. You analyze things to death because you have to know why."

"Kind of like Mr. Spock, only more human," I murmured. I'd used those words the very first night we met.

"Right," he said with a fond smile. "I forgot and tried to push you into it. That was my first mistake. Jeremiah was the second. I thought I loved him for a while. Then I realized it was you all along. But I saw you with Alex and you looked so...so happy. I didn't think I could give you that, so I never said anything."

I shook my head. "I thought I did love him. Do you remember a while back when you and Jeremiah and everyone else came back to the house and I got upset because he was hurting you?"

"Yeah."

"After you left, Alex got pissed at me. He said something like, 'You only think you love me, but you really love Brian instead.' He was so mad. I think that might have been the first time I questioned it. I tried to put it in the back of my mind. And the when you came to me after he hit you, well, that's when it really came to me. I didn't love him. I just thought I did."

"Because you loved me?" There was such hope and fear in his eyes that I melted.

"Yes," I said simply. "But not 'loved'. Love. As in I love you, Brian. I always have, and I always will." I shook my head. "These have been the longest three days of my life, Brian."

He sighed and nodded. "For me, too. But...I think...you know, I think maybe we're on the right track." He hesitated a little. "You know, we've wasted so much time. Do you think...we could try?"

And with absolutely no reservations, I said, "Yes."

He breathed a sigh of relief, and then smiled. His blue eyes sparkled deep down for just a second before he became more serious. "Um, I know we're old friends by now, but can we just do this very slowly?"

I was a bit taken aback, but a little curious. "How slow?"

"You know that I love you, right?"

"Sure."

"Good. Then indulge me. I want to do this right. I don't want to rush into anything that we might regret. I, uh, just came out of something that ended very badly, and I need some time."

"I don't blame you. I need a little time, too."

He nodded and smiled. "We communicate well when we want to."

"Do you remember when we used to talk about being in relationships?"

"Yeah. We used to get all tense and say things we really didn't mean." He reached across the table and took my hand. "You know, I can't understand why this took so long."

"It's been under our noses for years. We both knew it, but neither of us would admit it."

"Are you sorry?"

"Yes and no. I mean, Alex was a wonderful man. He was kind, considerate, and I was happy with him. But I know that eventually I would have come to my senses." I looked at him carefully. "Why did you come to my house?"

"I figured I could trust you not to go chasing after Jeremiah. Plus, like I said, I loved you and I knew you would help me no matter what I'd done. I never told you this, but I felt so awful the day you found out about Jeremiah. I wanted to break up with him and take you all for myself. But he knew how to manipulate me. He made me feel like you didn't really love me."

I shook my head. "Well, no help for it now. We haven't even begun to deal with him."

"No, I guess we haven't." There was a very comfortable silence between us. After a while, Brian asked, "So, do you want to stay here tonight?"

I shrugged. "Think I should?"

"Why not? That way, we get the others playing that 'did they or didn't they?' game."

"Well, if I stay over here, they'll think we did."

"Why would they?"

"AJ. He was the one who suggested I talk to you."

Brian's eyes widened. "He said I should talk to you. He asked me how I felt and we talked for...at least an hour about it."

"We talked on the way over to the party. He asked me how I felt about you and right then I wasn't sure. But he helped me figure it out. He told me to talk to you."

"Playing matchmaker."

"Sounds like it." I smiled fondly. "Well, I think we owe him for the extra little push."

"I think you're right. Hell, I think we owe all of them for being so patient with us."

"That's true."

"So do you want to stay or not?"

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Sure."

"Cool. Let me go get some things from my room and I'll be back." I hopped up and started for the door, but on the way out, I kissed Brian on the cheek. He kissed me back.

The second the door had shut, a voice spoke out from behind me. "How'd it go?"

I spun around to see AJ leaning casually against a wall. "What are you doing here?" I asked him.

"Just wanted to see how it was going. Kev's in the bathroom, but he'll be right out." He smiled. "Well?"

"Thank you, AJ. We're going to take it slow, but it's pretty much official."

"Great."

"Yeah. I'm spending the night tonight."

AJ's smile was a little wicked. "Don't stay up too late."

"Oh, we won't. But we both owe you."

He put his hand up. "Nah. Don't thank me. Everyone's had a hand in it. I'm just the messenger. Kevin, Nick, Howie, all of us have wanted you two together for a long time." He looked like the wanted to say something else, but didn't say another word.

Just then, Kevin walked out of his room and walked up to us with a wide grin. "So?"

"So, yes, Brian and Josh are an item now. And I trust we have all of you to thank."

"AJ, mostly," Kevin said. "Although we've all been waiting for this for years. He's the one who really pushed you both."

"Well," I said, "we can talk about this more in the morning. Brian's probably wondering what the hell happened to me by now. Go back to your party and have fun."

"Don't stay up too late," Kevin said coyly. "We do have an early flight."

"Don't you think you should be the one following that advice?" I retorted, as I walked to my room. A minute later, I was back in Brian's room.

"What took you?" he asked.

"Didn't you hear me out there? Your cousin and AJ were out there wanting to know what happened. Can you believe that?"

"Yeah, actually. They've always been that way when it comes to my love life. You should've sent them when I started going out with Leighanne. They get that way about everyone's love life. Hell, Kevin was right there when Jer and I started going out."

"Hmm."

He yawned. "Well, I'm heading to bed. It's been a long, long day, and I just want to get some sleep." He smiled tiredly. "Coming to bed, dear?"

"Yes, honey."

I stripped down and then curled up with him on the bed. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to be there. He kissed the top of my head, and then a moment later, his breathing evened out. I fell asleep soon after.

We were still like that when I woke up. It was still relatively early, but I needed to go to the bathroom, so I slid out of bed and took care of it. When I got back, Brian was awake. "Mornin'," he drawled.

"Hey."

"Time is it?"

"Quarter after six."

"Oh. When are we leaving?"

"Nine. I'm going to go get packed up. Why don't you go back to sleep for a while."

"All right."

Alone in my room, I took a shower and got dressed. I could hardly believe what had happened the night before. Not only had we won three awards for our little video, Brian and I had finally gotten together. Less than a week after I broke up with Alex. Well, we were taking some time before we actually delved into anything, but still...

I didn't have any regrets, of course. In fact, I found I was excited and happy. And also amazed at how easily we'd settled into it. I started thinking about it, but, as I was just starting to get my stuff together, I stopped. 'Don't think about it so much. You'll just talk yourself out of it.'

As I was finishing up, there was a quiet tap at the door. I smiled, thinking it was Brian. But it wasn't. AJ stood outside. He looked tired, but he was cleaned and dressed.

"Hey," I said. "Come on in."

"Thanks," he said. "How are you?"

"Good. You?"

"Fine, fine. Brian up yet?"

"No," I answered. "I don't think so."

"Oh." He looked like he really needed to talk.

"Is there something on your mind?" I asked quietly, as I shut the last of my suitcases.

"Yeah," he said slowly as he took a seat. "There is, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it with the other guys."

"Why?"

"Because I promised not to tell them. I'm don't even know if I should tell you, either."

"Why not?"

"'Cause it involves you. I was going to tell you last night, but Kevin showed up."

"It involves me?"

"Not just you. Brian too. Mostly him." He looked at his hands and closed his eyes. "I have never told anyone about this. But dammit, you deserve to know."

"I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you." He didn't open his eyes. "Brian's really happy, isn't he? Now that he's got you?"

"Seems that way," I said.

"Good. That's good. You're both lucky, you know. You ever hear about soul mates traveling together through time? I think that's what you've got. You just seem right together."

I wondered where this was leading. "I've heard that," I said quietly. "And I believe it."

"So do I. Anyway, I want you to take good care of him, Josh. He's a very special man, and he's been through a lot. I don't want to see him hurt again."

There was something underneath that...something about the way that had come out. I looked sharply at AJ, who was looking squarely at me. He nodded slightly, and I started to understand what he meant.

"I have a very personal reason for wanting you and Brian together," he confessed. "You're a good man, Josh. You're also really special, and I know you won't do anything to hurt him."

"Right," I said. "So what's your reason?"

He closed his eyes again and dropped them. In a voice barely above a whisper, he said, "I fell in love with him, too. Like you."

I sat straight up. "What?"

"Years ago, Josh. Before you even met him. There was just something about him...I couldn't put my finger on it, but I loved the hell out of him. Did he ever tell you about his first lover?"

He never had. "He only told me that he'd had one before me." And then I remembered when Brian had come out to Kevin. AJ had actually asked me if I'd known if he was gay. Still, Brian had acted surprised when I told him AJ knew. But there had been a strange look that had passed between the two of them. "That was you?"

AJ nodded. "We never told anyone. He doesn't even want you to know."

"Why?"

"Jealousy issues, mostly."

I was still struggling to figure this out. "But...he seemed so surprised when I told him that you knew back when he first came out to Kevin."

"We swore we wouldn't ever tell because it would just make things a little weird between all of us. It did surprise him that Nick and Howie knew, and I think that's what he was reacting to, but still, he told me he would act surprised if it ever came up."

The whole situation was a little too surreal for me. "Why...did you tell me?"

"Because you should know. Because I want you to know that I hurt him and it's taken us a while to get over it. I don't want you to make the same mistake."

"So...does that make you bisexual? Or totally gay?"

"Probably bi, but I'd never looked at another guy that way before, and I doubt I will again. I like being known as a ladies' man, and I like the ladies, so I'd appreciate it if you keep this under your hat."

"Sure," I said, but I was really confused about the whole thing. Brian and AJ? AJ had been Brian's first? "And just looking at you, no one would ever guess. I mean, you're pretty good friends."

"Yeah, well, there were some bad spells right before you met us. Finally, we sat down and ironed everything out. Like I say, be careful. Don't be stupid."

"Right," I said, shaking my head. "Okay, this is going to take a minute. I'm still trying to get past the fact that you and Brian were lovers." I don't think I ever would have guessed.

There was a sharp knock at the door. I jumped, startled, and then went to answer the door. Brian stood outside, smiling brightly. "Good morning, Josh."

"Morning," I said, smiling gently. I reached up and gave him a quick kiss and then stepped back. "Come in."

"Oh, hey, Bonehead," Brian teased AJ as he walked in.

AJ put on a warm smile. "'Lo, hayseed." He stood up. "Well, anyway, if you ever want to talk about it, if it bugs you, and I hope it doesn't, don't feel like a stranger." He walked out of the room quickly.

"What was that all about?" Brian asked.

"Oh, I was just thinking about Alex this morning," I lied glibly, "and he happened to stop by, so we talked for a while. It wasn't anything major."

"Hmm. Well you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Of course. I just didn't want to wake you. Plus, he was right here."

"Oh. Okay." And that was that. We didn't say much as we went down to breakfast, but we talked a little with the guys. I kept things as low- key as possible when dealing with AJ. I looked at him very differently now that I knew. Boy, it still blew my mind.

After a quick breakfast, we grabbed our bags and gear, got into a big van and then headed to the airport. Our flight left at 9:00, and we got to the airport around 8:10. After checking in our baggage, we milled around.

"We're going to have to take care of this Jeremiah thing today," Kevin said, mostly to himself, but all of us heard it.

It was hard to believe that that had happened a week ago, or that I'd broken up with Alex the day after. A glance at Brian showed that he was afraid, but not as badly as he had been a week ago. He just sighed and nodded. As discreetly as I could, I took his hand.

"You'll be okay," I said. "We won't let him touch you again."

Kevin had talked to Michael and Jeff privately the day we'd gotten to New York and had explained the situation. They'd gone ahead and terminated Jeremiah's contract, and had gotten Brian to tell them exactly what had happened. They had people ready just in case Jer wasn't cooperative.

"That's right," Kevin agreed. "If he lays another finger on you, well, let's just say there are six of us and one of him."

"We'll tear him a new asshole," Nick growled.

"And then fuck him up it," Kevin added.

"Boys, boys," Brian said, back in good spirits. "No need to get violent. Save it until we get there."

"There's no need to get violent at all," Howie pointed out. "One solid punch to the kidneys would put him down for the count."

Punches to the kidneys. I got those a lot as a kid, so I wasn't fond of even hearing about it, but I kept my mouth shut. I distanced myself a little and let the Boys have their fun. It was cathartic, in a way, and it'd get them ready to deal with him for real. I wondered how this was going to play out.

Finally, they announced our flight, and we got on. Once we were in the air, I fell right asleep. I was more tired than I thought. If I dreamed, I didn't remember. The next thing I knew, Brian was shaking my shoulder.

"We're home," he said.

"Oh," I muttered thickly. "Okay." I stretched my back and glanced out the window and saw that we were just now making out descent.

"You slept like a baby."

"I sure did." I shook my head. "Orlando, here we come."

The landing was smooth, and soon, we were all accounted for and ready to leave. We all decided to go home, unpack, take it easy for a couple hours, and then meet up for an early supper. Brian was going with Kevin, since that's where all his stuff was. Plus, they wanted to talk about a few things.

I was a little nervous about going home. I wondered if Alex had moved his stuff out yet, or if I was going to be running into him. I hoped not because I wasn't sure what I would say if I did. My palms started sweating lightly as I drove back.

Alex's car was gone when I pulled up. I went into the garage. The 40- pound bag was gone. When I went inside, the basement was entirely cleaned out. It was impossible to tell that anyone had lived in the basement of this house. Well, Alex kept his word, anyway.

I went upstairs and saw that almost nothing had been touched. All that was missing were a few small items and some of the dishes. That was okay because we'd each had our own sets. As I passed toward my room, I saw a piece of paper on one of the side tables. It was a note.

It said, "Josh: I've gotten all my stuff out, or at least I've tried. If you find anything else of mine or of Christian's send it to the address on back. We're heading north to Detroit, and for a while, we're going to be at Mom's. Take care of yourself, and good luck with Brian. All my love, Alex."

I sighed and crumpled the note up. So he'd gone back home? Well, I guess that was okay. I sort of expected it, and I'm glad he had a place to go. I would have let him stay, but he'd volunteered to leave by the time I got back. Plus, he had a rather large check in his pocket. It wouldn't be difficult for him to find a new place for what I'd given him.

I headed to the back door to look for Max, but he was already there, whining eagerly to be let in. He was over three years old now and only just now getting over his puppy phase. When I opened the door, he bounded into the room and all but knocked me down in his enthusiasm to see me.

"Hey, there, big guy," I said, pushing him down. He was a big dog, fully-grown and filled out, and pretty. I bent down and scratched his russet-colored ears, and ruffed up the fur on his neck. "You miss me? I missed you, boy. Bet you miss Lady, don't you?" He whined, and it sounded like an affirmative whine. Mm. Maybe it was time to get another pet so that Max would have a permanent playmate.

Max followed me as I went to put my stuff away, and when I went to turn on the TV, he jumped up into the couch and put his head in my lap. I smiled fondly and petted him. Yep. Definitely time to get Max a new playmate. Poor guy. I'd paid the neighbor kid to feed and play with him, but that wasn't enough.

I flipped over to MTV and saw that they were rerunning the Video Music Awards. "Hey," I said to Max, "I was there last night." My dog didn't care. He was just glad that someone was actually paying attention to him. Oh yeah. No question about it. Maybe another Shepherd if I could find one. Or maybe another cat. Of course, after Whiskey, I wasn't too keen on that idea.

The show was almost over. They were handing out the last award, and I watched with interest. When the young man called out our group's name, everyone exploded to their feet. Except me. I looked grumpy until Brian dragged me up. Then I looked dazed. Frankly, I looked like a damn moron. But hey, we'd won, so I guess I was entitled.

About two hours later, Kevin called and told me where to meet everyone. It took about ten minutes to get there, and I saw I wasn't the first. Howie and Nick had gotten there first. I smiled as I went to join them.

"What's up?" Nick asked as I took a seat.

"Not much," I said. "You?"

"Same here. So, are you ready to deal with this Jeremiah thing?"

"He ought to be," Howie piped up with a smile. "After all, Brian is your s.o., isn't he?"

"Significant other? Not officially, no."

"Oh, can the technicalities," Howie said, good-naturedly. "Are you or aren't you?"

"They are," Nick jumped it. "Kevin told me last night."

"We're taking our time," I said. "Nothing's official until we're both ready. Brian is just getting out of a bad situation, and I'm not entirely over mine either. When we're ready, we'll make it official. Until then, it's going to be pretty low-key."

"But you're together."

"Yeah."

"That's all I wanted to know," Howie said. "Didn't need all the explanation."

"Oh."

Brian and Kevin arrived just then. I resisted the urge to jump up and kiss Brian. Instead, I moved over and made room for him on my right. "Hey."

"Hey, Josh."

"How are you?"

"I'm a little bit nervous about doing this." Instead of answering, I just took his hand under the table and squeezed it. He smiled a little. "Thanks."

"Sure. Don't worry."

AJ showed up, and when he did, we all ordered our food and Kevin began to lay down our plan. We were all going to go over there as a group and just talk to him. If he wasn't there, we'd go back tomorrow. But the bottom line was that we were going to keep it civil and just tell it like it was.

Still, as we ate, I couldn't help but be nervous about this whole thing. Jeremiah seemed rational enough on the surface most of the time, but, as he'd demonstrated with Brian, he could also be wildly unpredictable. There was no telling what he'd do. I just prayed that this didn't get ugly. The last thing any of us needed was to have this dissolve into violence.

We took three cars. Kevin wanted Brian at his side, so they rode together. Nick and AJ had another car, and Howie rode with me. We didn't say a whole lot on the way over to Jeremiah's house because we could both feel it: tension. The muscles in my neck were as tight as guitar strings. Howie kept drumming his fingers on the door of the car.

The traffic was really heavy at this time of day, so we were slowed pretty badly. The sun hadn't dipped beyond the horizon line yet, and in fact, wouldn't for about another hour. It was just low enough to be in my eyes. That, on top of everything else, annoyed me further. I was hot and sweaty in my dark gray shirt, and that made it even worse.

We got through, eventually, but any good cheer I'd had disappeared. I was grouchy when we pulled up to Jer's house. His car, a brand new Mustang, was in the driveway. He was home. That was good because I was hot and a bit angry.

Brian waited in Kevin's car. Before I followed everyone up to the front door, I knocked on his window. "You going to be okay out here?" I asked him.

He nodded. "I can't face him right now. I want to stay here."

"All right."

"Don't do anything stupid, Josh," Brian said quietly. Don't let them, either."

"I won't," I promised. I leaned in and kissed his cheek before turning to join the rest of them. "Let's just get this over with."

"Right," Kevin said. He led us up to the door and knocked on it. After a moment, it opened a little.

"What do you want?" Jer growled.

"Can we talk to you?" Kevin asked. "All of us?"

Jeremiah went on the defensive, but nodded. "Yeah, come in. Where's Brian?"

"Somewhere else," Nick answered. "Away from you."

Something like real chagrin passed through Jeremiah's eyes. He sat heavily on his couch and stared at his hands. "I...I didn't mean to do what I did," he said at length. "I feel horrible about it."

"You used him," I said clearly. "And you cheated on him."

"Plus you've been hitting him for a month," Howie added.

"How do you think he feels?" AJ asked. And then, with a touch of regret. "You really hurt him." When I looked at him sharply, he shook his head just a little. "He thought you loved him."

"I didn't," Jeremiah sighed.

"We know," Kevin said. "It wasn't hard to figure out. Now, we can do this cleanly, or we can get dirty about it. I think you're an asshole and a loser. I wouldn't mind seeing you arrested for it. But Brian would rather not have to talk about this again. So, here it is. Either we can split it right here with you going your way and us going ours, or we can make this a fight. We'll have you arrested and take this up in court."

Jeremiah smirked. "You can't afford that, can you? Public exposure? That's the last thing you need. If people find out precious Brian is gay, don't you think it's going to kill you?"

'Not really,' I thought. "They know about you and me," I said. "And what did that hurt?"

"Yeah, but that's different."

"Not anymore it's not," Howie pointed out. "We're a band now. Not a group. Josh is on pretty much equal footing with us now."

"Yeah, but-"

"But what?" Kevin interrupted. "Do you think people are really going to care? You beat the crap out of Brian. We've got the proof, and pictures. For God's sake, he's the victim. Don't you think people are going to care more about that than if he's gay?"

I hadn't thought about that, but Kevin was right. Absolutely and unequivocally, he was right. "That's a real good point," I said. "We've got your ass in a corner, Jer. I'd say about the best thing for you to do is just walk away. You keep your mouth shut and we won't say a word about it. Hell, I bet we can even give you a good reference so you can move on."

Jeremiah nodded grudgingly, but he wouldn't stop fighting. That's just how he was. Back him into a corner and he kept trying. "All right fine. He was a bad lover anyway. A fucking pansy." He shook his head, and my fists clenched. "Of course, he wasn't a bad bottom. That's about all he was good for. Taking it up the ass. He was pretty much worthless to me the rest of the way."

"Aw, you sucker," I growled. Without another thought, I stepped up and decked him in the mouth. He sprawled out backward on his couch, mouth dripping blood. "You keep your fucking mouth shut," I snapped. "If you know what's good for you...if you don't want people beating you up at every place you go, you just shut your mouth."

Jeremiah's eyes were a little sullen. "Oh, Isaac's still got his temper." He smiled rudely. "Little sweet on him, are you? Well, Isaac...Josh...whoever you are, he ain't worth it."

I would have swung again, but Kevin stopped me by doing it himself. Just once, right across the bridge of the nose. And then he took a deep, trembling breath and stood back. "That's for Brian. Consider the matter closed." He turned on his heel and walked out. The rest of us followed closely.

Once we were outside, I felt someone's hand on my arm. It was Nick. "Who's Isaac, Josh?" he asked quietly. Howie and AJ stood not too far behind, watching curiously. Kevin stopped walking and turned around to look at us.

I forgot that I hadn't told them about that. There was a lot they didn't know about me, and for now, that was fine. I didn't want to get into it. "He's...was someone I used to be. Before I changed my name. I'd rather not get into it right now, but it happened years ago." I didn't wait to see their reactions.

Brian rolled down the window as I walked up. "What was that all about?"

"Oh, Jeremiah called me Isaac, and they wanted to know who that was."

"You tell them?"

"No," I said tersely.

He nodded. "What happened in there?"

"It's done. He's going to walk away, and so are we." I smiled sourly and showed him my hand. My knuckles were split and bleeding, but not too sore. "Of course, he got a little nasty."

Brian grimaced. "You didn't."

"Kevin did too. We had to put him into his place." I shrugged. "He had it coming."

"Good." Brian looked past my shoulder and smiled at everyone else. "Thank you all. So, it's all settled."

"Right," Kevin said. "And if he ever does say anything, we'll just bring this little matter up and make him look like the bad guy." He rubbed his knuckles. "That felt good."

I grinned. "For you too, huh? I must admit, I enjoyed decking him."

"That surprised me," Nick said. "I didn't see that coming."

"Me, too," Howie agreed. "From both of you, but especially Josh. I don't think I've ever seen him react like that."

"Usually I don't," I said. "I've wanted to do that for years."

"Let's get out of here," Kevin suggested. "Go celebrate."

And just like that, it was over. This whole ordeal with Jeremiah took a year and a half to start and twenty minutes to finish. None of us could believe how easily he'd gone for it. But as I looked back, I remembered seeing a trace of regret and remorse in his eyes. He'd said he didn't love Brian. I believed that, but I also believed that maybe Jer did feel something. Maybe that's why we could walk away. That was the last time we crossed paths with him.

There's really not a whole lot to tell after that. We hit the road not long afterward as a band. At first, people weren't really sure what to think. We sounded different, but fundamentally, we were still the same people. The music wasn't really that different, even.

People said we didn't have a chance. I remembered reading a few reviews of our earlier shows and finding that the general consensus was that we couldn't hack it as a band. We needed the flashy choreography and lights to make the shows work. They all said we'd try for six months, and then fold up because transitions like this really didn't work.

The album came out in early December, to actually higher reviews than any of the previous. And from the very first week, it became evident that the change really hadn't effected our popularity with the fans. In fact, the first week's sales rivaled that of the last two albums. We went platinum the first week. It was the most amazing feeling.

"You know," Kevin commented, as we sat around in the bus, on our way to some venue. We'd just heard the news that the album had sold very well in the first week. "I think I'm most proud of this album. I mean, I'm happy with all of them, but this is ours. Nobody made it for us. We did it."

"That's right," Nick agreed, looking up from his video game. Kid was damn near twenty-two and still addicted to his games. "I'm so happy that it's doing so well. I hate to admit it, but I was kind of afraid of what people were going to say about it."

"I think we all were," AJ said from behind his magazine. I could only see the top of his head over it. His hair was highlighted red this particular month. "Especially when we first hit the road and nobody was quite sure what to think about the change. That was kind of scary because all of a sudden, we're not being judged on how we look."

"It's more about the music now," Nick murmured. "And maybe that's better."

"Or not," Howie said. He had his knees drawn up to his chin in the chair he'd commandeered. "Don't you miss all the dancing and stuff we used to do?" There was a solid chorus of no's. "I do. This is great, don't get me wrong, but I do miss working with Fatima and our dancers. I miss the fireworks and stuff like that."

"I don't miss that much," Brian said quietly. He was sitting on my right and had a very casual arm around my shoulder. "Do you think we're going to make it?"

I looked up from my writing and worried my bottom lip with my teeth as I waited for them to answer. They all looked at me for some reason. I looked back down at my paper and set my pen down. "You know, I think we will."

They seemed reassured by that. I didn't know why then, and I don't know why now. "Why?" AJ asked, putting down his magazine. "How can you be sure?"

"I can't," I said. "You're not the same group you were three years ago. You don't act the same way, you don't sing the same way, and you certainly don't perform the same way. But judging by the initial sales and by how the fans have received us so far, they're willing to give us a chance."

"That's true," Kevin said. "Some people still don't know what to make of us, but I think you're right. They've stuck with us so far."

I had a question I'd been meaning to ask all of them, but had never quite gotten around to it. "Do you like it this way? Honestly. Do you like being a band and not a group?"

"We've dumped the label of boy band," Brian murmured. "I like that." He paused, considering. "I can't speak for everyone, but I kind of like this better. I mean we didn't have to put so much effort into it before, and we got great results. I loved doing it that way. But I kind of like having all this control over our own work."

"I liked it the old way a little better," Howie said. "Like I said, I miss dancing and having fun onstage. But I don't miss the long hours of dance rehearsal. In a way, this is easier because all we have to do is know the music and play it. We don't have to worry about dancing or what clothes to wear anymore."

"I like this a lot better," Kevin said. "I was not a fan of dancing. Plus, like Brian said, we have all the control."

"You know," Nick spoke up, "I don't like one more than the other. I'm doing what I love to do, and that's all that matters."

"Amen," AJ said. "I'm with Nick."

"What about you?" Nick asked me. "I know you weren't dancing, but which do you like better?"

"Are you kidding? I like this. I didn't mind being in the shadows before, but I'm finding that I like being out there with you."

"And being noticed for once," Kevin said. He smiled and got a little sentimental. "I just love being here."

"No regrets?"

"None." None of them had any.

And six months later, we had a bit of a phenomenon on our hands. None of us, me included, could have predicted how well we would be received. It was truly amazing. People sat up and paid attention to us. The album sold very, very well, and all of a sudden, we were getting respect from other musical acts, from critics, and from people who dismissed us as hacks.

I loved every moment of it. Still, do, in fact, because it doesn't end there. In fact, it hasn't ended yet. This Cinderella ride isn't over.

There's only one more part of the story left to tell, and I think that's the one you really want to know. What happened between Josh and Brian?

Well, it's not complicated. We started out very slowly. In fact, we didn't have our first real date until over three months after that night in New York. There wasn't any kind of hurry. But I fell in love with him in a way I'd never felt about anyone before. I remember AJ talking about soul mates. I told him then I believed it. I came to honestly understand what he was talking about over the course of the next year.

With that first date, we went out to dinner. Although we were best friends, I was nervous. I spent an hour fussing over what to wear, and then decided to go with what I'd worn when I first met him. I felt like a teenager going out on his first date. I couldn't understand why.

Until we got to the restaurant, that is. I realized he was feeling the same way. It was because we were at the start of a very big step. Before, we'd been keeping it low-key between us, even though we both knew we weren't going to see other people. Now, it was official. This was for keeps.

It was a very nice place, warm, and it had a very nice atmosphere. While we waited for our food, Brian said, "It's December 27th. So...what would you think about dating for a year and then next December 27th making it official?"

I stared at him, open-mouthed. "Just like that?"

"Yeah. Am I being too forward?"

"N-no," I stammered. "I just...well, it's a little unexpected."

He grinned and it transformed from merely good-looking to take-my- breath-away beautiful. "I know." He fished around in his jacket and as he did, he said, "If you were a woman, I'd be down on one knee right now."

"And I'd be gushing and staring at my engagement ring," I said ironically. "You know, you're something else. I love you so much."

"Speaking of engagement rings," he said, bringing his hand out of his pocket. "Here." He tossed me a box.

I opened it and saw a ring inside, plain gold. It was inscribed simply, 'I love you.' I grinned and put it on. "Guess it's official, then, huh?" I was a little overcome. Never in my life had I felt such a deep contentment.

He saw how it had affected me. "I guess so, Josh." He shook his head.

"Hey," I said, reaching into my own pocket, "Here." I'd gotten him one, too, but hadn't planned on giving it to him for a while. I'd just stuck it into my pocket.

Brian opened it and looked totally flabbergasted. "Well...wow." I'd had a very simple inscription put into it: "Beyond words." He read that aloud and smiled. "That's how I feel too." His eyes got pretty misty. "When...um...did you get this?"

"A while back."

"You're something else, Josh."

"That's my line."

We took it pretty easy from then on out. We didn't become lovers in the physical sense that first night, or in any of the following. Brian wanted to wait. So we waited. I can't tell you that it wasn't frustrating, because it was. But he was old-fashioned about it, despite the fact that neither of us were exactly virgins.

The guys took it very well. They encouraged us and made sure to give us time when we needed it. They all assumed that we were, as AJ so quaintly put it, doin' the wild thang. Mostly, when we were alone, we talked. Or watched movies. Or went out for walks. Or wrote music. Stuff like that. And that was perfectly fine.

A lot of the time, we hung out with the guys, or some of our new friends. We had quite a bit of down time, so he moved in with me. And then we both decided to move out of Orlando. Where, I won't say, but we ended up on the coast with a big house, two dogs, and a new cat.

The new dog was a Shepherd like Max, only she was a little smaller. Her name was Sadie. We got her from one of our neighbors, who just couldn't handle her. But once she got around Max, she seemed to settle down. She was pretty, and she could always entice Max to play.

The cat was Brian's. His name was Jimmy. Jimmy the kitty. Jimmy was a stray tabby who looked so much like Whiskey that it was scary. He was a good-natured cat, though, and liked to play with the two dogs. His favorite game was to jump from on top of our patio benches onto Sadie's back and hitch a ride. Sadie bucked like a bull trying to shake its rider off. The first time I saw that, I nearly fell down laughing.

We were happy, and Brian finally made the decision to tell his folks about us. That came in June. We had a week off, so the two of us flew up to see his parents. He was nervous about it, but he needn't have been. They were totally accepting, and in fact, his mom insisted on being in charge of putting together the wedding. It wouldn't be a legal marriage, but that didn't really matter.

The ceremony took place at Brian's folks house. Christmas had passed two days before, so we were all on vacation anyway. And the Christmas decorations served double duty. I remembered standing up front, next to the Christmas tree, holding Brian's hands and feeling like I was exactly where I was fated to be. I meant every words I said when I spoke my vow.

And that was how we got where we are today. The ceremony was beautiful and everyone was there. And that night, we became lovers in the physical sense, too. That was the most wonderful experience of my life. Brian and I were well-suited as lovers, as we were as friends, and that night, we saw just how well.

I was, and am, happier than I've ever been in my life. It's sometimes difficult to believe that we did make it. But as I look back, I realized that it was almost inevitable. Fate is funny like that sometimes.

********* Back in the present

So, here we are. I'm sitting in this restaurant right now looking across the table at the man I love deeply. He's still quite serious, probably thinking about the vows we took a year ago today. Those resonate with both of us even today.

It's pretty quiet here in this restaurant. I like it. It's not very well lit, but we have a candle on the table, which gives everything a kind of moody yellow glow. Shadows flicker on Brian's chiseled face as he studies the art on the wall. He's wearing a strange little half- smile, all of a sudden. I've seen it before, but never in this context.

"What are you thinking about?" I ask.

"Mm...us, mostly," he answers quietly.

"What about us?"

"Oh, just thinking how lucky I am." He smiles roguishly.

"Is that your ploy to get some tonight?" I ask. "You don't have to kiss a-, uh, maybe I'd better not say that."

Brian stifles his laughter behind his hand. In a quiet place like this, it almost doesn't belong. "Better watch it." He gets serious. "You know, I really am lucky."

"So am I," I say. "But I'm the luckier one."

"Okay, so we're both lucky." He picks up his champagne glass and then says, "Kevin told me something interesting this morning."

"What's that?"

"Howie is leaving the band."

I look up sharply. This is news to me. "He is? Why?"

"He's getting married."

I smile in surprise. "Oh, really? When did this come about?"

"Last night. He'll stay through the early winter tour, and then he's done. That's so cool, though."

"Yeah," I agree. "Rebecca is wonderful. They make a really cute couple." I look at my hands. They're small and delicate-looking, but strong from all the years of playing music. "So...we're going to be a five-piece set from now on, huh?"

He nods, but his eyes are troubled. "What's the matter?"

"Um. I don't know. You ever think about where we'll be in five years?"

"Probably still playing with the band," he says slowly. "I don't think that's going to end anytime soon. Other than that...I don't know. Why?"

I hesitate, and almost don't say anything. There's something I've been thinking about for the last two or three months. As much as I love making music, I love Brian more, and I want a chance at a normal relationship. "You ever think about settling down?" I ask softly.

Brian frowns and sets his glass down. "You mean like quitting the band and...and trying to lead a semi-normal life?"

I take a deep breath. "Uh, yeah. Something like that. What would you say...if...if I said that's kind of what I want?"

"Is that what you want?"

I think about it for a long moment and then nod. "Not right away, but soon."

Brian chuckles and takes my hand across the table. "That's good because I kind of want the same thing. I just wasn't sure what you thought. I know how much you love doing what we do. The music, I mean. And I love it too, so, you know, I...I figured we'd just keep doing that until we'd gone past our prime."

"Well, I do love being a musician. You're absolutely right about that. But I also love you, and I know you won't want to do it forever, right?"

"It probably won't last forever."

"Right. So...what if we stick with the band for another...year, and then quit? Settle down and start our life. I mean, we've been on the road so much that we've not really gotten a chance to set our roots. Not really. I mean, I know we've got the house, and Max and Sadie and Jim, but-"

"Nothing that's really us yet, right?"

"Yeah."

"I know. Don't you think I want the same things?"

"I guess you probably do."

"You're damn right I do, Josh. I want to maybe go back to college and get a degree so I can teach. Or I could be a youth minister, or something...more ordinary than being a musician on the road someday." He looks me square in the eyes. "I want to have a family, too."

I breathe a sigh of relief. We don't talk about this much, if ever. And this is what I want, too. "We've got to work on communication, Brian."

"Oh, that's okay," he says, waving it off. "We would have figured it out sooner or later. You want a family too, right?"

"Of course."

The food arrives, finally, and we set to eating. We're a lot more relaxed now and able to appreciate the fare set before us. In our relationship, we've gotten to the point where silence is just as comfortable as speaking. We can communicate more through simple gestures than through words anymore.

It hasn't been completely perfect, though. We've had arguments, occasionally, and mostly they're about nothing. I think the only big one we ever had came about because I'm a fundamentally neat person. I can't stand being dirty or living in a dirty house. Brian's not quite as uptight as I am about it, and I got tired of his stuff being everywhere. He'd been kind of cranky that day and we ended up squabbling about it. Of course, later that day, we made up. I help him clean up instead of harping about it anymore.

Everyone has been very supportive, and it's nice. There are times when I wonder what I've done to deserve such wonderful friends and...family. Kevin and AJ act like surrogate big brothers to both of us. Howie and Nick are two very close friends and people who are easy to talk to. Since they day I met them, they haven't changed.

After we finish eating, we sit back and exchange smiles. "Good food," Brian says. He adjusts the collar of his black suit jacket and then leans back. He's dressed just as formally as I am tonight. Hell, he's even wearing a tie. Blue shirt, though. Not white. It's not that formal. And I'm wearing a similar version of that very same outfit, but my shirt's darker-colored.

"Yeah," I agree. "This was good. Happy anniversary, Brian."

"Same to you, Christopher."

I look at him oddly. "Why'd you call me that?"

"Because I can. It's who you really are."

"But I'm Josh, too."

"No. Josh is who everyone else knows. He's the one that you put up as a defense so no one knows who you really are." He smiles. "But I know who you are. And to me, you're not Josh. You don't mind, do you?"

"Well, it's just unusual, but I guess...I mean, if you want, you can call me that."

"If it makes you, you know, uncomfortable, I won't." He pauses for a moment. "Joseph David Robinson, called Isaac. Christopher Jacob Taylor, called Josh. You really don't like people knowing you, do you?"

"It's just a name thing," I say. "Don't read more into it than there is. I got tagged with the nickname Isaac by mistake. Someone thought I looked like somebody else's brother who was named Isaac. It stuck. And with Josh, David was the one who started calling me that."

"Yeah, but they both stuck. They wouldn't have if you wanted people to know you. Plus, you don't ever talk about your past. In all the time I've known you, you've only talked about it that one time."

"I told you why. It's the same reason I changed my name. I want to forget it. Don't you have things you want to forget?"

"I suppose." He stands up abruptly and grabs the check. "Well, shall we?"

"I guess so," I say, as I follow.

We pay up front and then head out. "You want to walk a while?"

I'm about to bring up the point that we walked four miles to get to the beach this afternoon, when I hear a chorus of familiar voices not far from us. "Hey! It's the lovebirds!"

We turn at the same time and see the guys, all of them, plus Rebecca and Samantha, heading our way. "Hey!" Brian calls. "What are you all doing here?"

"We wanted to surprise you," Howie says, as the group approaches. "We know it's your anniversary and all, but we wanted to celebrate it with you. Hello, by the way."

Brian steps forward and starts hugging everyone, and after a moment, I do too. We haven't seen each other in a while. Not since the end of November. It seems like it's been a lot longer. But I've been busy working on new music, and Brian has doing things on his own, too.

"Well, well," I say, after a while, "Howie, I do believe I've heard a little interesting news on your front. Congratulations, by the way."

Howie and Rebecca glance at each other in a tender, almost lovesick way. "Yes, indeed," Howie says. "And thanks."

"Sure. And I also hear you're leaving the band."

He nods. "That's true."

I look at Brian. "Well, we are too, I think."

There's a quiet as this is digested. Finally, Kevin moves forward and asks, "When?"

"Next year," Brian says. "Around Christmas."

"How come?" AJ asks.

"We want to settle down," I answer. "I mean, I know I haven't been at this as long as you have, but I want to have a home. And maybe a family."

"Oh, oh," Nick says, grinning. "So you're finally going to go after an adoption, huh?"

"Looks that way," Brian says. We start walking, all eight of us down the semi-deserted street. "Where you headed?"

"Actually," Kevin says, "we've got a little surprise for you, if you'd be so kind as to follow us."

Brian and I exchange glances and shrug. "Okay," he murmurs amiably. We fall into step behind the group. "You know," he half-whispers, "there is something I never did tell you, and I guess, since we were on the subject of not knowing things, I should tell you."

"What is it?"

"My first lover. I never told you who it was."

I raise an eyebrow and look at the group ahead of us. "Do you want to tell me now?"

"Yeah. It was...AJ."

"I, um, I know," I say.

He pulls up to a stop. "You knew?"

"He...told me a while back."

"Were you surprised?"

"Oh, yeah. I nearly fell out of my chair. It shocked the hell out of me, but you know, like he said, it's water under the bridge." I start walking. "I hope it doesn't bother you."

Brian shakes his head. "No...no, I'm just a little surprised you knew. So...what do you think?"

"I think...it was a long time ago."

"Yeah," he says, taking my hand. He reaches over for a kiss, and then grunts when he runs into Kevin's back.

I run smack into Nick. "What the-?" I mutter, and move to the outside. I see a group of six or seven people standing in front of us. I can't really make out much about them, but then one moves, and my heart leaps into my throat. He's holding a gun. Christ.

"Just give us all your money," someone says in a low voice. "We don't wanna hurt nobody."

Oh, shit. "Okay, okay," Kevin says quietly. He reaches into his pocket. "Come on," he says to the rest of us. "Just...do what they say."

I realize it's not just the one. They all have guns. Holy cow. I feel real fear for the first time. It creeps up from my stomach. I can taste it in my mouth. But I reach into my pocket and grab my wallet too.

I can see the gang in front of us is getting antsy. They shuffle around nervously and keep looking over their shoulders. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," one of them says. "Hurry the hell up."

Someone walks up to me and says, "Gimme your wallet, shrimp. Now!" My adrenaline surges, but I do what he wants. He pushes me down and suddenly, Brian is right there, scuffling with the guy.

"Brian, no!" I yell. I dive onto the two of them and try to push Brian away. Suddenly, there is a loud roar as a gun goes off. And for a split second, time stops. The world stops moving.

And then I hear, "Oh, shit!" and feel someone push me off them. But I can't breathe. Something warm and liquid soaks my clothes.

Things get very distant...fuzzy. I'm aware of two things: one, I can't breathe, and two, my chest hurts. There are faces...floating over me. Their lips move, but I can barely hear anything. "...he's shot...oh god somebody call 911...josh?...josh?"

Suddenly, Brian is right above me. I struggle to focus on his eyes. So blue. There's a beautiful nimbus around his head, golden and wonderful. I love him so much. I try to reach up and touch his cheek, but...funny. My hands are too heavy. I'm dying, I realize.

He snaps back into focus for one precious moment. "Josh? Josh? Can you hear me?"

"Not...Josh," I gasp out. "Chris. Love...you...Brian." The color bleeds out of the world and snaps back. Voices above me, panicking, yell at me not to go. Brian's beautiful soft voice begging me not to go...it's so hard to keep my eyes open.

Suddenly everything becomes bright. Brian looks like an angel. The light, real or imaginary, is beautiful. I don't want to die. God, no. Don't let me. But I can feel it...heavy...in the light around my lover. His eyes are wet...and I can't reach out to him.

Pain shoots through my body. "I love you," I mumble over and over again. Voices. Fading. "what's he saying...sounds like i love you...please don't go josh..." I love them all so well.

"Brian. Love. You." I gasp. I hurt. The pain is alive, hungry, but starts to subside. It's distant...now...fading. Faces blur into light. Everything is light. Love. Warm. God, I love you all so well. All is calm. Then...nothing...

[Fade to black]

The End

Okay, now breathe. That's it. Probably not quite what you wanted or expected, but I can't say I'm sorry. This has been a long time coming. When I started the story, I knew exactly where I was going to end it. And I meant end it.

Anyway, thanks for sticking around, and maybe I'll see you some other time. I'm taking a break for a while, but I'll be back. I've got a new project in the works, and hopefully, it'll be out soon.

Until then, my thanks, and a fond farewell! Good night!

Chris Taylor