===== Usual disclaimers apply! Enjoy and don't forget to send any questions or comments to me: boricuaholandes@hotmail.com =====
Something woke me. A sound, perhaps. Maybe a movement of light that my body wasn't prepared for. Either way, I was awake. I was so awake that I couldn't go back to sleep. I found Pedro holding me. My head rested on his left arm; his right arm draped over my body, protecting me from everything: the dark, the dog down the street that had treed something.
For two hours, I lay there, not moving, listening to him breath. I lay there thinking of the previous afternoon and everything that had been wrought by Gonzalo's actions. I thought about what I would do to him if I ever had a chance to get him into a room by myself. I thought about what Pedro would do to him if they were in a room alone ever again. I thought about Pedro and all of the emotions that must be going through his mind.
I thought about Josh. I thought about the night he was buried. I stayed with Rose and Jackie for the day after the funeral. I thought about how Antony and I cried each other to sleep. We were both mourning for the loss of a loved one and comforting the other, just as brothers would do.
I thought about my parents. I thought about my brother and sister and law.
I thought about how close I was to never seeing my niece again or helping her deal with my brother when she was a teenager.
I thought about Abu, and how she must be feeling. What about Maria? What was she thinking? I knew that Christopher was about ready to kill. He promised after Josh died that he'd never let anything happen to me.
Jamie and Cole were probably fucking; no one had let them know what was going on, I guess. Kyle was probably trying to drown out their moaning by listening to his iPod.
`Where is my iPod?' I thought to myself, wondering if Pedro had picked it up in his haste to gather thing things the night before.
My mind raced fast. I was trying to drown out the voices that were telling me I was nasty and gross for letting it happen. I was trying to down out the voices that were telling me that I should have fought back. A tear trickled down my eye. I tried to catch it before it landed on Pedro's arm, but it was too late.
"You OK?" he asked when he felt my tears dropping to his arm and then rolling down his arm onto the bed below.
"Yeah," I said, trying again to regain some semblance of composure.
"OK," he said, yawning before falling back to sleep, still holding me. I used the opportunity to untangle myself from within his grasp.
At some point in the evening, he'd taken off my pants and shirt, leaving me in just my underwear. I took a t-shirt from what he'd packed, not really paying attention to whom it belonged. I didn't care. I just wanted to go downstairs and fix a cup of coffee.
When I got to the kitchen, I noticed that my mother had left the curtain in front of the large window open. I fixed a pot of coffee and waited by the pot to completely brew. A couple of times I was startled by the sound. The light above the stove illuminated the room enough to make me realize that I was alone in the room. The solitude made me feel safe also, since I knew that if I were alone, no one could hurt me.
I fixed a cup of the black nectar and sat at the table. I looked out onto the backyard, staring into the darkness that was only breached by the neighbor's back yard light.
My mind began to race again. I remembered how I'd come here after Josh's funeral, just to sit and look into the darkness. I remembered how I'd developed a bad case of insomnia, and how I would sleep during the daytime, so that I could protect myself at night. I don't know what from, though.
I thought about my brother, and how Skye had said her first word. Her first word was "Mama." If Gonzalo had killed me, he'd never have had the chance to tell me that story.
"I figured you would be up," Maya said, interrupting me from my self-examination. I was startled at first, until I realized who it was.
"Yeah," I said shortly. She fixed herself a cup of coffee and then walked over to me. She was wearing a white robe and fuzzy white slippers. Her long black hair was pulled into a ponytail.
"I love you David," she said, reaching her hand out and putting it on top of mine. "It's going to be OK. We're gonna help you through this. Me, Daddy, Pedro, everybody." I was glad that she'd included Pedro in the list.
I glad that she knew that he loved me as much as I loved him.
"I know Maya," I responded, thinking that I was glad that it was me and not Pedro that had to endure this physical and emotional pain.
She and I sat there for a few minutes. She got tired and went back to bed.
She wished me well and went back upstairs. I was again free to endure my personal pain.
The clock on the microwave read 4:13 in the morning. Every sound made me jump in excitement, just like an animal trying to run and hide from the other larger, swifter, carnivorous animals.
In a few hours, the sun began to rise. It illuminated the back yard, shining through the trees that my brother and I had climbed through before we knew what sexuality and intimate contact with another human felt like. It was a time of innocence.
Maya again rose before anyone else in the family. Without saying a word, she poured the coffee from the pot that had become stale and cold. She fixed another pot and began pulling things from the fridge to fix my father breakfast. She always loved preparing the morning meal for him when they were at home. She said it gave her something to do that she didn't really do for some reason when they were in DC.
When the coffee finished brewing, she brought the pot over to the table. She poured both of us a fresh cup. "Thanks," I said, taking the first sip of the steamy liquid.
"No problems, baby. Does Pedro eat eggs and bacon?" she asked.
"Yeah. He does. I'll help you," I said, moving from my seat. "I would like to fix pain perdu for Pedro. That's his favorite thing for breakfast."
"OK. I have some bread in the cupboard," she said, pointing in that direction.
I grabbed the needed things and joined her on the island in the middle of kitchen to help her fix the breakfast.
I hurt. The pain was there; I could feel it. I tried to go on, but it began to become too much for me to endure. I went to the other side of the island, where there were stools so that I could sit down.
"I'll finish that, baby," Maya said as she began to notice my discomfort.
"I want to, Maya."
"Baby," she said, waiting on me to look at her. In her deep brown eyes, the same eyes that I had, I saw concern for me. "Put down the knife and just sit there and relax. Let me fix you another cup of coffee."
I couldn't believe how I'd simply succumbed to French toast. If French toast had gotten the best of me, how was I going to get through the physical pain and emotional torment that I was going through. I felt myself beginning to tear up.
"It's OK," my mother said, coming around to take me into her arms.
"I can't even make French toast," I said, letting the tears flow.
"It's OK, baby. It'll all be OK. I don't want you to worry about it right now. Teresa gave us some medicine. I want you to take it and just relax," she said, walking away from me to grab her purse and the medicine Teresa had given her.
"Take this, David," she said, handing me a pill.
"What is it?" I asked.
"It'll help you calm down a little bit," she told me as I took the pill and put it in my mouth. I swallowed a gulp of coffee and sat there to relax. The pill had its desired effect after a few minutes. "David. You're gonna get through this. I won't let you give up or let anything become too much for you. Understand?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Now go wake up your father and Pedro. Tell them breakfast will be ready in a little while."
"Yes ma'am," I said compliantly.
I walked up the stairs. I thought about all the times I'd raced up these stairs growing up. I thought about Josh and the first time we made love on my bed. I thought about how we brought Rose and Antony during on our second Christmas together. It was the first holiday they would be spending without Josh's dad, and Rose was a little depressed. Daddy was in Congress then. Jay was dating some tragic little girl that always made comments about the "Fags" and the "Jews" and other ethnic groups. She almost said something about "Mexicans" one time, but stopped before she offended. When my brother dumped her, he swore that he'd only dated her because she gave good head.
My thought was broken as I walked into my parents room to complete the task I'd been sent up there for. My father lay there so peacefully. I almost didn't want to wake him up. He rarely got to sleep later than 4:30 or 5 in the morning.
"Daddy," I whispered, reaching out to touch him. "Daddy. Maya says breakfast is almost ready."
"OK. Tell her I'll be there shortly," he said, turning over onto his side away from me.
"OK," I said as I walked back out the door and across the hall into my room. Pedro rested there so peacefully. His big brown body lay there so elegantly and calmly. I didn't want to wake him up either, but I didn't want my dad to eat all the French toast.
"Pedro," I said, moving beside him and sitting on the bed beside him.
He jumped up out of the sleep he was in. "What? Is everything OK? Are you OK, baby?"
"Yeah. I'm fine. Maya sent me up here to tell you that breakfast was almost ready. She even made you French toast."
"Really?" he said, surprise and pleasure coming onto his face. "She didn't have to do that."
"I know. I asked her to, though."
"Why?" he asked as he woke up more and more.
"Because of who you are," I said. "Because you're my boyfriend. Because you love me. Because I love you."
"OK," he said smiling.
"So get up and come eat," I instructed.
"Are you doing alright this morning?" he asked.
"Yeah. I'm fine at the moment. Maya gave me something that Dr. T gave her for me," I said. "I was going to fix the French toast, but I lost it right in the middle of preparing it. She finished the job." I looked down at my feet for a second as he pulled himself up and put on a t-shirt and some shorts.
"Don't worry about it, baby," he said kissing my forehead. "Let's go downstairs." He smiled. It meant so much to me when he smiled, and now, I appreciated it more than I had before. He didn't have a black eye, and his body looked as though he'd not gone through anything himself. I both envied him and felt a profound relief that he was OK. I thought about the first time I met him, and how I wished that I'd not acted like a dork. I must not have acted like too much of a dork, since he was here with me now. If I'd not met him, this wouldn't have happened, but it had. We had nowhere to go but up, together.
We walked back downstairs and into the kitchen. Maya had finished the food and put it on the table. "Good morning, Pedro," she said smiling as we walked into the kitchen together.
"Good morning, Maya," he responded, taking a seat beside me at the table.
"Did you sleep well?" she asked. He looked at me and smiled.
"Yes ma'am. I was very comfortable." I looked at him. His eyes were amazing. His hair was amazing. He was amazing. He was everything that I wanted and needed.
"Good. Have some eggs and we made you some French toast. Here's the maple syrup," she said, setting the bottle of Aunt Jemima on the table.
The breakfast was so good, as both Pedro and I noted. Daddy walked into the room, scratching his head and yawning. "French toast? You never make French toast. I bet you made it for Pedro, didn't you?" he jokingly asked.
"Yes. I did. If you have a problem, take it up with your son," she instructed, pointing at me.
"Son. You can't just go around asking your mother for French toast. It's supposed to be `Freedom Toast,' anyway," he said, rolling his eyes and scoffing at the Republicans in Congress who tried to change the name of French fries after France refused to help in the war against Iraq.
I thought Pedro was going to go into sensory overload until the two of us started laughing at each other. He was becoming very protective of me. I kind of liked it.
We finished breakfast and all set out getting ready for the day. Maya and Daddy went upstairs together. Pedro and I followed a few minutes later, after we'd finished clearing the table.
I climbed into the shower as Pedro stood over the sink shaving. The warm water felt good. It was relaxing. It was another one of those things I'd never again take for granted as I thought about how things could have turned out with Gonzalo and me. I relished washing myself from head to toe with the brand new bar of Ivory soap and the new bottles of shampoo and conditioner. My body was sore, but for a moment, it didn't matter. I leaned over to wash my legs. The inside of my ankles were a little bruised, but they didn't hurt. My ass burned a little still, but the pill had relaxed me a little bit, so that I didn't concern myself too much with it.
After washing myself three times, I felt I was clean enough for presentation to the world, despite still feeling overwhelmingly nasty. I pulled myself from the shower; Pedro was sitting in my room watching the Cartoon Network and waiting on me to get out the shower. I grabbed a towel from the linen closet in the bathroom and walked out into the bedroom. Pedro noticed me coming up and jumped up to grab his things and get a shower taken. I toweled off as quickly as I could and put on some jeans and a t-shirt. I lay down on the bed and switched the TV to Nickelodeon, preferring Spongebob Squarepants to whatever was on the cartoon network. The clock read 8:13.
By 8:45, Pedro was finished with his showers. I thought about him always taking long showers. I thought about a time just last week when we made love in the shower. He was so gentle and caring with me. It was loving. He was loving. He cared about me; Gonzalo didn't. He only cared about making me suffer for "making his nephew gay," something which neither Pedro nor I could have helped. He and I enjoyed cartoons for a little while.
At 11:45, sounds from downstairs let us know that something was going on. Pedro and I ventured to find a group of ladies from Daddy's local office there. Jenny, Barbara, and Carol turned to look at me. They came over and hugged me tightly. Each of them asked me how I was and if there were anything they could do for me. I told them no. Bobbi English, the coordinator for the local office was sitting with Maya on the couch. She had become, through her position, very close to our family. She and her husband, the Reverend Thomas English of the Rosa First Methodist Church in the neighboring town of Rosa, were very ardent supporters of my father's campaigns. They also knew about my sexuality, and were very cool with it. Reverend English even offered to perform a ceremony for Josh and me if we ever decided to "take the plunge," as he called it. Bobbi was a very calm and cool Southern Leo lady. She commanded attention wherever she went. They didn't care that we weren't Methodists.
"Let the boy alone, ladies," Bobbi stated loudly. "He might not want all y'all up in his cheerios just yet." She smiled at me, and I looked at her as though she were right. Pedro and my parents were the only people I "wanted up in my cheerios." The ladies pulled back into the living room as Daddy came down in a pair of jeans and a button down shirt. Sunday was his casual day.
"OK Ladies. What's been going on?" Daddy asked, looking at Bobbi.
"Well, Mr. Senator, we've been getting calls from the answering service all night. They've been getting calls from the local press wanting comments from your office about David's situation. We need to know what to say," she stated calmly as my father sat, pondering what he should say.
"Tell them the truth. Tell them that I am appalled at what happened. Tell them that I will see that this person responsible for this action will be caught and dealt with in accordance with the law. Tell them that I will be staying with my son over the holiday to make sure that he is OK. Tell them that I will be working on legislation that makes rape a crime, regardless of gender. Tell them that I will be working on legislation when Congress back that makes discrimination against gays and lesbians illegal and punishable under Federal law," he expressed, quite passionately to them.
"Yes sir. I'll get something and call you before I release it," Bobbi said as she closed the notebook that she wrote in and stood to leave. "We'll be going and let y'all do what you need to do. Do you want me to call Cole first and give him a heads up?"
"Yeah. I owe him a favor," Daddy said. He showed the ladies to the door.
"And Tommy and I are gonna fix supper for y'all tonight, if you want," Bobbi said as she walked behind the other ladies onto the front porch.
"I think Pedro's grandmother was gonna come up. Let me check, and I will give you a call," he said. This is the first I'd heard of the plans for Abu to come up and cook for us.
"We'll just plan on tomorrow night. Y'all can come over to the house or something. Tommy's been wanting y'all to come over for dinner for a while anyway," she said.
"That would work better. Why don't we plan on that then?"
"And bring David and Pedro," she said. "Tommy would love to meet the new man in Dave's life." She smiled, much like Flo from that show "Alice."
"Yes ma'am. And thank you," Daddy said. Bobbi winked as Daddy shut the door.
We sat in the living room for a while watching TV. We watched a couple of movies, just to avoid any possible newscast. Pedro's phone rang at about 1:00 in the afternoon.
"Hello?" he said as he pulled it up to his ear. "Hi Abu. What's up?" He paused for a moment, listening quietly to her on the other end. The occasional "uh huh" and "yeah" let her know he was still with her. "Oh shit..." he said in a moment. "When?...Oh God," he said as he pulled the phone from his mouth. "They got him," he mouthed to me, returning to the phone to get the details from Abu. A sense of relief swept over my body. Pedro hung up the phone in a minute, reaching over and kissing me firmly on the lips.
Maya and Daddy looked quizzically at Pedro as he broke our kiss. "They got Gonzalo," he said. Maya was overcome with emotion, crying and speaking in Spanish. Daddy was also happy. He smiled. Maya came over and hugged me. She hugged Pedro. She hugged Daddy. Jay and Dawn came in mid-revelry, and she hugged them. She took my niece into her arms and hugged her.
"What's going on?" Jay asked after Maya freed him from her clutches.
"They got Gonzalo," I told my brother. A look of shock and relief went over his face. He took me into an embrace. He hugged me like he hugged me when he told me that Josh was taken to the hospital. He held me tightly. "Thank you for last night, Jay," I said, referring to my brother staying with me.
"Anytime, dude," he said, squeezing me one more time before letting me go. My sister-in-law stood there, waiting on her hug. Of course I obliged her. This was a time for celebration.
Things calmed down a few minutes later. I excused myself from the family and went upstairs to make a couple of phone calls. Christopher was the first.
"Hello?" he said, sounding as though he didn't recognize the number.
"Hey."
"Oh hey, David. What's going on? How are you doing today?"
"Good man. They got him."
"Huh?"
"Gonzalo. Pedro's uncle. The one who raped me. They got him," I said.
"My God! It must be good to be the son of a Senator," he said jokingly. "Seriously, though. I'm glad they got him."
"Cool. How are you doing?"
"I'm good. I was actually gonna call you later and see if you needed someone to get you away from that damn table."
"Nope. Pedro and Maya did it this time."
"Good. Listen, Dave. I've got to go. I'm on the other line with my mom. I'll call you back this evening. OK?"
"Cool. I love you, Christopher."
"Love you too, David, you hot motherfucker," he said. I could tell he was smiling through the phone as we said our final farewells.
I called Jamie and Kyle next. They were as excited as Christopher about the turnout. I ended the call when I realized that we had company downstairs. I must have been upstairs for longer than I thought when I realized that Abu and Maria had already gotten there. I walked down the stairs. I really wanted to skip, but physically didn't feel as though I could.
I rounded the corner into the kitchen. All fell silent. I looked at Abu. I looked at Maria. I looked at Antony, standing with them, smiling. He walked around the other people and over to me.
"I've missed you Antony," I whispered into his ear. "I'm glad you're here."
"Me too, New Bro," he whispered back in mine. He held me like Josh used to. His arms had gotten bigger than those days when he would catch Josh and I kissing and scream "gross."
"So what are you doing here?" I asked as he let me go a little.
"Can we go someplace and talk?" he asked.
"Yeah. We'll be right back," I said to the crowd that had assembled in the kitchen.
"Don't turn him gay, Davie!" Maria yelled as we moved out of sight.
"Don't worry babe," Antony said.
"Babe?" I said as we walked upstairs.
"Yeah. Maria and I started dating a few weeks ago," he said, turning to me with a smile on his face.
"When?"
"The night at your apartment. She's been coming to Tennessee. Mom won't let me come down and see her. That's part of what I wanted to come up here and ask you about. What is Pedro gonna say?" he said, looking like the child he was that still needed guidance.
"He's probably gonna be more worried for you than her," I said smiling. My mind slipped from the conversation at hand and moved to think about the first date he'd been on. It was only a few months ago when he asked out Janie Holland. He was in love with her, and when he finally got the nerve to ask her out she said yes. It lasted two dates, when she found out that he wasn't spending all his money on her. He was heartbroken. I knew for a fact that Maria would be a better girlfriend than Janie, but I wasn't sure if the distance and age difference were going to be factors in the future.
"We haven't told him or Abu, yet," he added, nerves. "So there's that and I don't know what to get her for Christmas."
"I'll see if I can find out something for you and text or call you," I assured him that I would help him get her the perfect gift.
"Cool. Thanks Dave," he said smiling at me.
"Yes sir."
We walked back downstairs. I saw in Maria's eyes that she loved him. I knew from his expressions that he was in love with her. He reminded me of Josh in so many ways. His expressions, his chuckle, and his smile were identical. There was no mistaking that this boy and Josh belonged to same clan.
We all sat and ate the dinner that Abu had prepared. Maya and Daddy enjoyed it thoroughly. Pedro, Maria, and Christopher also enjoyed it. A million things went through my mind. Not too long ago, Christopher, Maria, Josh, and I were sitting at this table with my parents. I vividly remember the pain that losing him brought to me. I remember the pain that Gonzalo inflicted on me. Both were a fire deep inside me. Both were what would guide the next chapters of my life. They both signified the weakest times in my life. They wouldn't be repeated. I tightly held Pedro's hand under the table.
After everyone else had left, I withdrew to the back patio for a few minutes. Pedro joined me after a few minutes, bringing with him two cups of hot cocoa.
"Hi. Thanks," I said as he handed me one of the cups and took a seat beside me. The silence of the night calmness brought back the flurry of thoughts that ran in my head unorganized. I thought about Josh. I thought about Antony. I thought about Christmas and my gift for Pedro. I thought about Pedro. I thought about how to approach the subject of Maria's Christmas gift from Antony without giving away too much information. "I'm probably not gonna be the best boyfriend for a while," I said after a moment, breaking the silence that had developed.
"Don't worry about that," he said, turning to look at me.
"I have to. You're my boyfriend. I have to worry about if you're happy at home," I said, letting him in on one of the insecurities that had reared its ugly head as a result of Gonzalo's forcing himself on me.
"David..." he said, stopping as he realized what he was about to say. "I love you."
"I love you, too." In my mind, I knew what he wanted to ask, but wasn't sure of himself. I decided at that point that he'd have to wait until he was ready to ask, despite how long it was.
I moved from where I was sitting and went over to him. I sat down on his lap and put my head on his shoulder. He smelled so good, even after going all day. He smiled as I kissed him lightly on the neck. I really did love him.
=====
Please send any questions or comments to me: boricuaholandes@hotmail.com