Disclaimer: This story involves homosexuality. Do not continue if this will offend you or violate local laws. By continuing, you are verifying under penalties of perjury that you are not a minor or in the company of a minor and are entitled to have access to sexually explicit material. The content and opinions expressed in this story do not imply anything with regards to the sexual preference of any member of *NSYNC or any other celebrities named herein.
Chapter Two - "The Way Things Come Undone"
My hair was longer than it had been in years. At the moment, all that meant was there was more for me to run my hands through. The girls and I had ridden back to the house in virtual silence. I found myself thinking about the oddest things. I remembered the last time we'd made love. I remembered filling up the car with gas before one of his last flights. I remembered our last kiss, and the fact that I told him he needed to brush his teeth. I remembered sitting on the floor writing out bills for him while he slept off a cold on the couch behind me. I remembered him going up to the store to get juice for me after I'd caught his cold. I remembered it all.
When we'd gotten back to the house, the coat and tie were the first to go. I unbuttoned my shirtsleeves and rolled them up as I stepped out onto the deck. It seemed as though everyone I'd ever known and cared about was in the room behind me. All but one.
I laughed to myself, knowing that if the situation had been reversed, he'd be craving a cigarette now. Unfortunately, I didn't have a vice like that to turn to. I had to deal with this, like it or not, and there was little doubt that I didn't.
I was so caught up in my grief that I hadn't even noticed that I wasn't alone. I saw Tony sitting over in the swing.
"It was a nice service," he commented in that off-hand way people have when they can't find anything better to say.
"He would have liked it," I replied.
"I'm just sorry I hadn't kept in touch more. I would have liked to have known him better than I did these last few years."
"Me, too," I agreed. He wasn't sure which part I was agreeing with, and frankly, neither did I. I guess, ultimately, that I, too, would have liked to have known him better than I did these last few years.
"It seems like a lifetime ago that you guys got married."
"I know," I smiled. "And at the same time, it seems like just seconds ago. And by the way, thank you."
"For what?" he asked.
"For singing at our wedding," I told him. "I don't think I ever thanked you."
"Please, it was my pleasure. And besides, I would hardly call what I did singing. I made some noise while Richard Marx sang."
"You never have enjoyed the spotlight that much. Even when you were on the Mickey Mouse Club, you tended to shrink into the shadows."
"Some of us didn't have as much star presence as others," he grinned.
"Oh, please," I smirked.
After a few moments of awkward silence, he finally asked what was apparently on his mind. "What's it like?"
"What's what like?" I asked, genuinely uncertain.
"Everything," he replied. "Being a husband. Being a father."
"Being a widower?" I asked.
"I wasn't going to ask that," he assured me.
"I know," I tried to smile, "but even though we lost touch for several years, I can still tell what you're thinking."
"So I see," he smiled. "You were the only one who could ever do that."
"You weren't bad at it, yourself," I told him, "but I guess I'm a little bit more of an open book. There's always been a handful of people who could do it."
"Justin can," he agreed. "He always could."
"Yeah," I acknowledged, letting my voice trail off.
"He was probably pretty good at it," Tony offered.
"He was great at it," I smiled, realizing who he was asking about.
"I don't think I've really taken the time to tell you that I'm sorry for your loss."
I smiled in that almost wistful way most people do to keep from crying. "I know you are, and I appreciate it."
"What about the girls?" he asked, sensing that a change of subject was in order.
"What about them?"
"You're a father now," he said proudly.
"Yeah, I am," I said, echoing the sentiment. "Though it's hardly like I'm having to raise them this time around. They're grown now, and doing a much better job of handling everything than I am."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that, Dad," Colleen announced as she stepped out onto the deck. "We just hide it a little better. Hi, Tony."
"Hi," Tony replied.
"Hey, sweetie. I didn't hear you come out here," I told her.
"I know," she smiled. "I came to check on you."
"Worried about your old man?" I grinned.
"A little, yeah," she admitted, leaning over to kiss my cheek as she left her position against the doorframe.
"Thanks," I said, taking her hand in my own. "I'm okay. How are you?"
"Pretty devastated but making it," she assured me.
"When are you going to head back to school?" I asked her.
"That's actually something I wanted to talk to you about," she began. "Do you want me to take a leave of absence for the semester and stick around?"
"That's sweet," I told her, leaning over to kiss her cheek, "but hardly necessary. This is your first semester, and I hardly think that will start you off on the right foot."
"What's that?" Caitlin asked as she joined us.
"I was asking Dad if he wanted me to take the semester off to help take care of things here," Colleen answered.
"I was about the ask the same thing," Caitlin grinned.
"And it's the same answer for both of you," I told them. "Colleen, this is your first semester of medical school, and Caitlin, we let you take those years off to find yourself because you weren't ready to start college yet. Well, now that you are, I'm not gonna let you jeopardize that by worrying about me."
"It's our job to worry about you," Caitlin smiled.
"And I appreciate it," I assured her. "I really do, but we all need to get back to our lives so we can have some semblance of normalcy."
"And having us around is a pretty pointed reminder, huh?" Caitlin asked intuitively.
"A good one, but yeah," I admitted.
"I don't like the fact that we're so far away," Colleen frowned.
"That's something I want to talk to you girls about," I began before losing my nerve.
"What is it?" Colleen asked.
I was terrified of how they might react to even the suggestion. Every time I opened my mouth, no sound escaped.
"You want to sell the house," Caitlin said, more as a statement than a question.
Defeated, I nodded. "How would you two feel about that?"
Colleen exhaled sharply. "I didn't see that one coming. I don't know."
"I have to admit," Caitlin confessed, "that I wouldn't be thrilled about it. This has been our home our whole lives."
"But we're not kids anymore," Colleen interjected, "and ultimately, in a very short time, it won't be our home anymore."
"So," Caitlin continued, picking up the train of thought, "the decision's completely yours."
"That went a lot better than I expected it would. Thanks," I sighed.
"We're not kids anymore," Colleen smiled sympathetically, "and our feelings for you far outweigh our feelings for this house."
That one caught me completely off-guard. The tears were flowing before I even realized it. I pulled both of them into a tight hug.
"So are you going to move to the house in L.A.?" Caitlin asked, pulling away from me to regain her own composure.
"Yeah," I nodded.
"Good," Colleen announced. "You'll be close enough for me to keep an eye on."
"Who's gonna keep an eye on your sister?" I laughed.
"Every guy in New York who doesn't have the hots for you," Caitlin laughed.
"What about Kathy?" Colleen asked, suddenly realizing what she'd be leaving behind in Memphis.
"What about me?" Kathy asked, cradling her arms as she joined us on the deck.
"Dad's talking about selling the house," Caitlin explained.
"He talked to me about it," she nodded.
"If he sells the house, we won't get to see you very often," Colleen pouted.
She smiled. "I wouldn't be too sure."
Caitlin raised an eyebrow. "You can't be serious. You just made partner."
"And I'm absolutely miserable. It's even worse working with those stuffed shirts than working for them."
"So you're going to give all that up to do what? Start all over again?" Colleen asked.
"Not exactly," she answered. "That's kind of something I wanted to talk to you guys and your dad about."
It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. "Not sure what this has to do with me, but I'm listening."
"I think I can answer that," Justin said from the doorway. I laughed as I thought to myself that as more and more people joined us out here, I was really starting to wonder who was left inside. "Kathy and I have talked quite a bit in the last few days, and when she told me she was considering giving up her position with the firm here to relocate to California, I had an idea."
"Contrary to Joey and Chris' opinion, I don't find that to be such a remarkable thing," I smiled, "so would you mind telling me what this idea was."
"Well, I talked it over with the guys, and then we called Johnny . . . ."
"What's Johnny got to do with this?" I interrupted.
"And Johnny agreed," Justin pointedly continued. "You're looking at one of the new members of legal counsel for Wright Entertainment Group, specifically the one assigned to represent the members of *NSYNC."
"That's great," I told Kathy, leaning over to hug her.
"Then you're okay with it?" she asked.
"Of course," I assured her. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't want there to be any conflict of interest," she replied.
"How could there be? There's no one I would trust to watch out for my interests more," I smiled.
"Sounds like a done deal," Caitlin pointed out.
Inhaling sharply, I nodded. In a few short days, my world, as I knew it, had ended, and here I was, proverbially putting the final nails in the coffin. The irony of my analogy wasn't lost on me, but at the same time, I could hear him laughing at my choice of phrasing. Somehow, in that exact moment, I knew I was doing the right thing, and that he was really okay with it. This wasn't going to be easy--not by a long shot--but I felt as thought a great weight was lifted from my shoulders.
"Why don't we get our stuff packed up tomorrow, Cate?" Colleen asked, smiling at me as though she understood.
"Sounds like a plan. I'll call the realtor in the morning and get this place and Kathy's place on the market before the end of the day," Caitlin answered, placing her arm around my waist briefly before following her sister back into the house.
"Those two are amazing," I said to no one in particular.
"A chip off of a couple of blockheads I know," Kathy grinned, leaning over to kiss my cheek before excusing herself. "Another young man I happen to consider better looking than all of you is demanding my attention."
"Go on, mom," I smiled. Turning to face Justin, I saw Tony standing out of the way. I had completely forgotten he was out here. "Sorry, Tony, I didn't mean to exclude you from the conversation."
"Oh, hey, Tony," Justin greeted. He was visibly uncomfortable. For some reason, he'd always been that way around him. Since he didn't come--quite literally--into the picture until after Tony and I had become close, he always felt as though he were second best to me.
"Hey, Curly," Tony smiled genuinely. He'd never really picked up on the tension Justin felt when they were in the room together. The self-consciousness kicked in immediately, and Justin brought his hand up to the top of his head in an absentminded remembrance of how he used to get picked on when he was younger. Though he had grown into a gorgeous man and idol to millions, I couldn't help but feel a bit pained when I realized how some of his insecurities had never left him.
Sensing his wariness, I wrapped my arms around Justin and kissed his cheek. "Thank you for what you did for Kathy, the girls, and for me."
"Anytime," he smiled, relaxing just a bit. "You know I'm here for you."
"I do, indeed," I nodded, "and there's no one I'd rather have by my side right now." His posture became less tense, so I knew he was more at ease. "And what's this about you and Kathy spending all this time together?"
He started to stammer, but I cut him off. "Teasing," I told him, "but if I have noticed something there these last few months, you know you're never gonna hear the end of it."
"I know," he smiled.
"You also have my blessing, if it matters."
"I know," he nodded, "and it does."
"So go check on her," I smiled. "She's got someone very close to her heart to keep an eye on, and I'm sure she could use the help."
"Don't we all?" he smiled before sliding the glass door behind him. I wasn't entirely sure exactly which part of my statement, if not all of it, he was talking about, though I had a pretty good guess.
Walking over to the edge of the deck, I dangled my feet over the edge and leaned against one of the railing's supports. I patted the wood beside me, motioning for Tony to join me.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked, the concern evident on my face.
"Just what you're already doing," I managed to croak. He put his arm around me and pulled me against his chest. The sobs came unbidden as the strength I'd clung to all day failed me. He ran his fingers through my hair and just let me cry.
TO BE CONTINUED
My thanks, as always, go out to everyone, but especially to some of my nearest and dearest--Karen, who's just simply the greatest--what else is there to say; Drewbie, who's one of the great loves of my life; and DLS, partner, co-conspirator, or friend, one of the highlights of my existence. You three, and so many other wonderful friends, are what inspire me to write, to read, and to smile.
Feedback and criticisms are welcome at: camillusdelellis@yahoo.com
The song "Hanging on for Dear Life" was written by Jon Lind and Brock Walsh.