This chapter contains some of my internal religious struggles. I am not writing it to persuade anyone to believe the same way that I do. I am only showing the conflict that I live with daily. Sorry in advance if I offend anyone's beliefs.
The sun's rays slowly filled my room. I found myself on my side and dangerously close to the edge of my bed. There was an extra arm draped across my chest that didn't belong to me. Still sleeping, Scott was spooned behind me. The skin on his chest radiated warmth. His gentle breath caused the hair on my neck to stand out.
I was still only semi-conscious, slowly becoming more aware of my surroundings. I felt my waist. I had stripped down to my boxers... but I don't remember doing that. My hands moved behind me to Scott's waist and found that he had only boxers on as well. My hand didn't want to let go of his body. I pulled on him slightly and our bodies grew closer together. I was pleasantly surprised to find his morning wood pressing into my crack. He must've been having a good dream. I gently pushed myself against him, attempting to wedge his cock further into me.
"Uh, Jeff?"
I froze, I couldn't speak.
Scott spoke quietly, "What are you doing?" I could hear the smile in his voice.
"Umm..." I couldn't think of an excuse. He hadn't moved at all. His hard, cloth-covered cock was still firmly planted between my buttocks.
He chuckled, "Yeah, that's what I thought. You tried to take advantage of your best friend while he slept? That's low." No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't make himself sound serious. He pulled away and sat up, with his back facing me. "I'm gonna jump in the shower." As he made his way to the bathroom door, he pulled off his boxers in one stooping step. I couldn't help but smile as I stared at his cute little ass. He half-turned to speak, laughed and shook his head when he caught me staring. "Man! I was just about to make a joke about the bathroom being off limits, but I think I'll just lock the door!"
I stayed in bed as he showered. I don't remember drifting back to sleep, but suddenly he was standing in front of me. The sun light glistened on his water-covered chest. Droplets from his hair dribbled onto his pecks and raced down his stomach, disappearing into the towel which was loosely draped around his waist. Admittedly, his body wasn't as developed as Ben's or Dave's. Scott had a more boyish quality than they did. My mind started to drift into fantasy land. In my mental world I was standing in front of him, tracing the path of the water drops until my fingers were absorbed into the terry cloth towel as well. I'd pluck it open and let it drop to the floor as he frantically waved his arms... What?
"JEFF!!"
I snapped back to my dramatically less interesting life. "Huh?"
"I've never seen that look before."
"What look?"
"The one you just gave me. I've seen a lot of different looks, but never that one... Not even in the locker room with Ben."
"Oh, I'm still half-asleep. I'm just out of it."
I jumped as the phone rang, relieved to get out of the conversation. Scott grabbed the phone and tossed it to me. "Oh, hi hon! It's mom." My mother had grown up in Minnesota and even though she left years ago, she'd never lost the accent. "It's official, you're an uncle! Can you believe it?? You have a niece! Oh, and on your birthday too, that's just so special."
"It'll be easy to remember. What'd they name her?"
"Alexis. Doncha just love it? Oh, and she's just a doll! Happy birthday to you too, kiddo. How'd you celebrate?"
"Scott and I just watched a video and he spent the night." Scott grinned and shook his head. He'd told me before that he thought that I tell my parents too much of the truth sometimes, that I should just completely lie about stuff. But, this way, I'm not really lying and it's easy to remember what I told them.
"Oh, that was sure nice of him."
"Yeah, it was nice. I had a good time. I really only wanted a quiet night at home... and I got it."
"Well, that's good." Then my mother sent her warning sigh that indicated bad news was on its way. "Your father's coming home early. There's a little emergency at work that he has to tend to... nothing he can't handle. So don't worry about it." Eighteen years with my mother had taught me that she only told me not to worry when there actually was something to worry about. Something major. Something bad. "He can tell you more about it when he gets home. Have you been keeping yourself fed?"
I looked over at Scott as he seductively peeled back his towel while he flashed some sexy looks. I raised my eyebrows and looked down at his cock. "Actually, I'm a little hungry right now..."
Scott tried to muffle his laughter and closed his towel again. He mouthed, "Fag!"
"Go get a pizza from the freezer, I bought the kind you like. Oh, and there's some leftover macaroni in the fridge."
"I already ate the macaroni." I said with a grin as I thought back to Ben feeding me on the couch. Scott noted my expression and seemed both intrigued and disturbed by it. "Mom, you're a grandma now!"
"Oh!" She laughed, "Hon, don't say things like that! It makes me feel so old! I've gotta get going, but you be good 'till your father gets home, alrighty? Love you, Jeffy."
"Love you too, mom." I hung up.
Scott mocked me, "Love you too, mom. Right as we're about to get stoned."
"What? Who said anything about getting stoned?"
"I guess I just did." He smiled. I showered while he got dressed in a shirt of mine -- or actually, I may have borrowed it from him months ago... I don't remember.
After a breakfast of cold cereal, we walked through my back yard, through a patch of evergreens, and past a few houses before arriving at Scott's house. His car was at the curb and we got in. He pulled the stuffed penguin from the back seat and started to drive. I knew the penguin well; Howie had a drawstring anus and as I opened it up, the familiar sweet smell of marijuana drifted up to my nose. Like Pavlov's dogs, my mouth begin to water in anticipation. I packed the pipe and finished just as Scott turned onto a long secluded road leading through a back way to the local park. It had tall trees that met above the road and formed a speckled canopy with the afternoon sun piercing through the dancing leaves. I passed the pipe and he lit up. The image of his naked body was burned on my mind, he had never given me such a view. I wasn't quite sure what to say... We drove in silence along the winding path, passing the pipe back and forth until we came upon the most secluded picnic table. He parked and by the time we were ready to get out, we'd cashed the last of it out and I tapped the ash on the parking lot pavement. We quickly adjusted to our altered state and sat at the table. The wind rustled the leaves in the trees and baby birds chirped on a nearby branch. The world was alive with vibrant colors, flooded with encompassing sound. The breeze was cool and gentle, gusts tossed Scott's hair.
Scott cleared his throat, "I have a question."
"Oh no..." I smiled.
"What was your first gay memory?"
"My first memory? The first thought I recognized as being gay? Whoa... lemme think."
"No more than a couple years ago, I'm sure."
I laughed, "No... much longer ago than that! It was while watching Sesame Street."
"Awww... did you have a crush on Bert?" He elbowed me.
"No, Ernie was better looking anyway. Bert had that uni-brow. I always wanted to get out the tweezers." I became silent, I didn't want to tell the rest of my confession if I didn't have to.
"Okay, so you were turned on by that Snuffle-whatever. Yup that's it! It was that long, hairy trunk, huh?"
"No, it was one of those video clips that broke up the main show. There was a tiny little cartoon mountain climber drawn on top of a real kid. He dangled from a rope in front of the kid's mouth and flew back as the kid breathed."
"So, you wanted to be the kid and have a little man exploring your body?" He cocked his head in confusion.
I closed my eyes and rubbed out some sleep. "No... I wanted to explore the boy's body."
Scott laughed, "What did you want to do? Crawl up his ass?"
I chuckled, "I remember thinking that I wanted to do some repelling... into his pants."
"You are one sick mother fucker, you know that? How old were you?" He ran his fingers through his hair. "But, damn! That cock would've been huge in comparison!" I laughed all my air out. I laughed until I started coughing and once I got going, I couldn't stop.
Scott saw the tears forming in my eyes, and asked if I was alright. I kept coughing but nodded. "Jeff, you should really do something about that." He reached into his pocket. "Cigarette?"
I laughed even harder at his irony, but took the cigarette anyway. I got my coughing under control, lit it and took a drag. We sat silent for a few minutes.
Scott looked ready to ask another question. "Does it bother you that I call you 'fag' all the time?"
"What? Are you kidding? I'm beginning to think it's my name. I heard someone say it in the hall the other day and I thought they were talking to me. Why would it bother me?"
"So, you're going to change your name then?"
"You obviously didn't catch my sarcasm."
"Or, maybe you didn't catch mine." He got out another cigarette and lit it. "So how much does it bother you?"
"Scott, are you turning into a therapist? Since when have you cared how much stuff bothers me? You always just speak your mind, that something I can always count on, I like it that way. You never have to walk on eggshells. If you wanna call me a 'fag,' call me a 'fag.'
"As long as you know I'm joking."
I tried to comfort him. "Oh Scott, I never take anything you say seriously."
He sighed, "I know." If he wasn't Scott, I'd say he sounded hurt.
We finished our cigarettes and tossed them into the woods. I turned to Scott, "Wanna go?"
He responded by gathering his pack and lighter and standing up. We walked back to the car and drove back out of the park and onto a main road. Scott looked in his rear view mirror and slapped his hand against the steering wheel. I quickly turned in my seat, "What? Cops?"
"No, worse... your boyfriend."
Dave was close behind us, motioning us over. Scott pulled into a convenient store parking lot. We all got out and met between the cars. Dave smiled, "Hey, how's it going?"
Scott just nodded. I answered, "I'm doing alright, you?"
"I'm good, I'm good. What about you, Scott?"
"Just peachy."
"So, Dave why are you over in this area?"
"To stop over to see you." He smiled. Scott rolled his eyes.
"Oh! Don't do that again!" I blurted out before realizing he'd probably take it wrong.
Dave looked puzzled.
"No, I mean, my dad's coming home tonight. It wouldn't be safe anymore. That's all."
We chatted a little about some inconsequential stuff then Scott spoke up, "Well, I think I'm taking off. Jeff, you coming?"
I laughed to myself, thinking 'Not yet, but I should be cumming pretty soon.' I looked to Dave then back to Scott. Scott had no where to be, what was his problem? Dave thought he was helping but only complicated the issue by offering to take me home.
Scott was now sitting half-way in his car. "Well?" Scott had gotten me so horny this morning but I knew if it was action I wanted, Dave was the man.
Scott recognized I had made my decision and tried to leave with some dignity. He closed the door and drove off.
Dave winced and pulled the corners of his mouth down. "Doesn't look like he's calmed down much."
"Actually, he's been pretty cool lately. He spent the night last night."
"Should I be jealous?"
"No..." unfortunately... "You wanna go somewhere?" I asked with an unmistakable seductive tone and expression on my face. I stared into his eyes.
"Wanna drive?" He tossed his keys to me.
"Are you sure?" I drove cautiously back to the park, to the exact table Scott and I had just been.
Dave turned and smiled curiously, "You're acting really strange."
"What? How? What do you mean? It's probably just my libido."
"No... I've seen you horny before... it's not that."
I parked and he followed as I walked for the woods. He grabbed for my hand, I shook free. "Not yet! Hold on!"
I led him on a narrow winding dirt path into the woods until we were surrounded by dense trees headed slightly down into a little valley.
I turned and felt his hands plant themselves on my hips. Our lips met in a tender kiss. His full lips tugging my mouth open. Our tongues exchanged mouths and he pulled away abruptly.
His face was scrunched. "Jeff! You've been smoking!"
I tried to apologize, "I didn't know it would be that strong..."
"Are you kidding? I feel like I just licked an ashtray!"
His harshness made me push him away.
He paused for a second, tasted his tongue again and looked shocked, "You've been smoking pot too! Jeff... oh, Jeff... you seem like a smart guy. What the hell are you doing to yourself??"
My mouth was gaping, deeply resenting the fatherly role he thought he had the right to adopt. I tried to keep my cool and responded with a snippy, "Just having fun."
"And turning yourself into an idiot! If you're using regularly, you'll just keep making yourself more and more stupid!"
"What about your hemp necklace? I thought you'd be cool about it."
"You can't assume anything from a necklace! My ex-girlfriend gave that to me." He looked away, trying to regain his thought path, "But the first thing to go is your ability to recognize that you're headed downhill." He paused and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I've had too many friends go stupid on me. Most don't even realize just how much they've lost. They gave up all their possible future potential for a few hours of temporary, fleeting happiness."
I don't take well to unsolicited advice, my face had turned red hot. I tried to hold my voice down, "You have no right to tell me how to live my life. You really don't know a damn thing about what I do and what I deal with everyday. How dare you sit there and judge me!"
"What else are you into?"
"I'm into my own damn business, why don't you get into yours!"
"Acid?"
I didn't respond.
"Shrooms?"
I looked away. But then, I decided I could have more fun pissing him off than sitting silent, "Oh yeah, all the time... I'm shroomin' once or twice a week, sometimes before school. Crank to help me stay up to study. Oh, and I've found a really good supplier for coke..."
He pulled at his hair. His eyes had softened, he realized how upset he'd gotten me, "I don't even know if I should take you seriously or not. How can you be so sarcastic or casual -- or whatever you are -- about such dangerous stuff?"
"Hey, I know what I'm doing. I can take care of myself."
"Jeff, I've had friends who've told me that before. One of them is dead now."
That shook me a little, "OD?"
"No, we were all tripping at this party, and this girl thought that... she thought she was being attacked by wild animals." He tried to hold back his emotions. "She stabbed herself to death trying to kill them." I felt a chill that made my hair stand out and it told me he was telling the truth.
I feel odd saying this, but I felt the presence of someone standing close to us. It was a girl, she was next to Dave. I'm not a believer of ghosts and I really don't have an explanation. The more I looked at her, the clearer she became. She had shoulder length curly red hair, and she was bathed in the most beautiful white light I had ever seen. She looked over at me, her eyes looked straight through to my soul. She had her hand on Dave's back and she turned and stared at his face.
My mouth refused to cooperate with me, I couldn't form any words. I just watched him sob quietly until he continued. "I used to do a lot of shit. Shit I never thought I would ever do. After that night, I checked into rehab... I've been clean ever since." Then some anger surfaced again, the girl faded, "So don't think I don't know you think it's fun! Don't think I haven't been there, that I don't have a right to lecture you! I DO know it makes you stupid and it IS a gateway drug, no matter how many people try and convince you it's not. They're only trying to convince themselves... I've been there." He wiped his eyes and looked at me. "I just don't ever want to have another friend be hurt or limited by drugs. And statistically, gay teens are at higher risk for drug and alcohol abuse, as well as suicide. Because all the stress you're trying to escape..."
"You sound like an after school special. Is this the part where I promise that I'll never do it again?"
"Jeff..."
"I'm sorry... I'm just not sure that I'm ready to stop." He looked surprised. "I can tell the experience had a profound impact on your life... but whether I want to stop is something I have to figure out for myself."
"But why put yourself through all that? Just to learn what a mistake it is? Remember, you're stoned right now, so you're a little biased. Promise that you'll rethink it when you have a clearer head."
"I promise that I'll think about it."
"Jeff, do you believe in God?"
"What the hell does that have to do with this?"
He laughed, "It has everything to do with this!"
"I'm not in the mood to philosophize about the metaphysical or about the existence or nonexistence of a supernatural being." I paused for a second. "If there is a God, why is there so much evil and pain and suffering? Huh?
"We are all given the most beautiful gift ever given. Complete freedom of choice. God COULD force everyone to do good. He COULD make it so everyone would return to live with Him in heaven. But He doesn't. Why? Because this life is a test. A test to see how serious we are about our belief that he exists and He is our Lord. Every decision we make every day shows our level of commitment."
"Ok, what about you, preacher boy. The God I've been taught about frowns on what you do. Damnation! How do you resolve that conflict? Huh?"
"I don't claim perfection, every day is a battle of right and wrong. What my body wants to do and what I know I should do. I'm constantly faced with the distance between my beliefs and what I live. Some people change what they believe to fit with their actions. They are really only fooling themselves. They say God will let everyone back into heaven, and just be a good person. If it doesn't matter what we do, what's the point of the test? I don't believe it will be a cut and dried heaven and hell... I believe there will be various levels. Everyone will be happiest at the level they are at. God will shield them from knowing what they missed out on, what they could've had.. But there will be people who are happier than you. Hell will be having complete knowledge of all the joy and happiness we gave up and how relatively easy it really would've been to get it." He paused, I stared blankly into the trees. "Other people resolve the conflict by turning their back on God. Denying His existence. I see that way of thinking as short-sighted. They ask 'Why would God do this to me?' They come up with too many questions that they can't answer. But it's all about being able to see a larger picture. Are we all so smart that we can instantly understand why God does what He does? There's always a reason. And, in the end, every trial we go through helps us to learn and grow, so we can become the greatest. God will not test you with more than you can bear. If you don't believe that, then God has much more faith in you that you do."
"Ok, whatever. I'm really not in the mood."
"If I listen to what my body wants, I am letting the 'now' win. Where, if I restrain myself, I can have so much more later."
"So, we're supposed to live a miserable life in the hope that there is a heaven? Refrain from experiencing anything? Where's the appeal of that? What if we die and there is nothing? What if we get to heaven and God says, 'you know, you didn't really have to work that hard...' I knew I shouldn't have let you get me started into all this!"
"It's said somewhere 'God is a just God.' Meaning there is a law and he will hold you to it."
"You're wrong! Christ's sacrifice paid for all of our sins."
"But it only works if you believe in Him. The more you believe in Him, the more you will be perfected. Christ doesn't limit how perfect you can become, you do. It's not as simple as saying 'I believe!' I can say I believe a tornado is coming, but unless I'm in the basement with a radio and a flashlight, there's no way I can prove it."
"But, God knows our hearts, if we are trying to be good, but keep failing..."
"If you are sinning and repenting all the time and repeating the same sins, then you are trying to find a loop hole when there isn't one. Repentance is also a promise you won't do it again. Breaking your promise to God is actually a bigger sin than what you did. And if you keep sinning and trying to pass them off to Christ, then you are mocking the pain and suffering he went through, proving that you really don't fully believe."
"Look, I know that whatever 12 steps you went through involves the 'acceptance of a higher power' and all, but you really shouldn't shove it down my throat. I didn't sign up for rehab. I'm not the one who wants to think about all this..."
"Why don't you? What are you afraid of? Are you afraid I could be right and you would have to change your life?"
"Dave! Stop! Take a hint! I told you at the beginning I didn't want to get into it. I don't believe that you're right and I'm not going to argue about it anymore."
"Some things are true whether you believe them or not. Do you believe God loves you?"
"Dave! I told you to shut up!"
I could see him overwhelmed with emotion, it looked like pity. "You don't, do you? Jeff, know this. If you don't walk away with anything else, make sure you know this... God loves you. He wants to see you happy. He'll help you in any way that you'll let him. Let Him help you! Faith precedes the miracle. Pray to know that God loves you."
This was getting to be a little bit too much. "You know, I think I should go home."
He sighed, "Alright."
"But I'm going to walk. I don't think I could take a car ride with you right now."
"Are you sure? I'm willing to take you, but suit yourself." He held out his hand for his keys, I dropped them in his hand. As he drove away, he asked "How do you plan on resolving your conflict? Call me if you want to talk." He kept talking as he drove off, I couldn't hear the last parts, and I wasn't really straining either.
I walked along the road down onto sidewalk along the main road and started my trek home. I hummed any song I could think of to calm me down and get the whole situation out of my head. I was angry because just as I thought I had some sort of a foundation built for my beliefs, he came along and smashed it to pieces. I would now always live with the question if there was something better... why did that make me mad?. Hmm-hmm-hmm... something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. A familiar white BMW. It was Ben, he pulled into the grocery store parking lot I was walking past.
"Hey what's going on?"
I tried to hide my raging, confusing emotions, "I'm just out for a walk."
"You don't need a ride or anything?"
I paused, "Actually, that'd be nice." I climbed into his car, we started driving.
"To be completely honest... Dave called me from his cell, he said he saw you wandering around, but he was in a rush somewhere and traffic blocked him from getting over... But since I know about you two, I knew his excuse was a bunch of bullshit. I wanna know why he dropped you off so far from your house and then split... that's not like him at all."
"I refused to ride home with him."
"What? Why? What happened?"
I sighed heavily, "I really don't want to get into it."
"Fine... but if you want to talk, I'm always here."
We entered my housing development. "Ben, do you think of me as a druggie?"
"I didn't even know you did drugs! I kinda guessed Scott was a pothead by all those stickers on his car and the clothes he wears... but I kinda thought you would've avoided all that."
"What are you saying? That I'm uptight?"
"No! That you're smart..." I could see a light turn on inside him, "Oh, is that what all this is about? Did he give you his 'Drugs are Satan' speech?"
I groaned an affirmative.
"But he explained why he's like that, right? That he watched his girlfriend stab herself?"
My head jerked, trying to catch his words again. "What? His girlfriend? He watched her do it?"
"He didn't tell you?"
"All he said was that it was a girl at a party, and he didn't say they watched! He made it sound like they found her or something. How could they just sit and watch?"
"The room was dark, they just thought she was freaking out. They didn't know she had a knife. She had freaked out at a party before... thought she was seeing people that weren't there and stuff. Jeff, they were all so fucked up, they were laughing." My stomach turned and my throat tightened. He pulled into my driveway, turned his car off but didn't move. "When we were growing up, our uncle was hit by a drunk driver. Dave had been really close to him. Our uncle wasn't even in the same state when it happened, he was on his way to visit my grandma. Dave was only 11 years old at the time, but he thought it was his fault. Taking the blame was completely irrational but he'd say things like 'I should've made him eat lunch here, that would've slowed him down and then he would've have been hit. What if this, what if that.' There was no way Dave could've known, there was nothing he could've done to prevent it from happening." He paused, staring blankly out the windshield, "I can't even begin to imagine what he felt like when he realized she was dead, that he had been right there, laughing." I felt like I was going to be sick. "She made his necklace for him. If you look close, you can see her red hair woven into the pattern."
I felt a strange tingling sensation. I spoke without thinking, "She has the most beautiful blue eyes."
Ben quickly turned. "Yeah... how did you know? Did you see a picture of her?"
I had even startled myself, "Something like that."
He accepted my answer at that. "He's had years of therapy for this, he still hates himself for it. He would kill me if I ever did any drugs, but after watching him go through all he did... I really have no desire. If someone is deep into any type of addiction, they lose focus of their lives and they end up accomplishing nothing of any importance in their life. I hope to leave some kind of positive mark on society, something that will give my life meaning and bring happiness into the lives of others. Even if I only affect a few people... the ripple effect could be incredible. When I was younger, Dave would come home tweaked out, I'd actually be glad to see him like that, because when he wasn't on drugs everyone was forced to tip toe around him. We were scared that at any moment he would explode. He's come a long way to the person you know today. He's hit the hardest rock bottom I've ever seen anyone hit. He's lived through real life nightmares, but made it through. That's why he's so cool. Because when he threatens me about doing drugs, I know it's only because he's so passionate about helping others avoid the same pitfalls, because he cares about them. That his pain won't be in vain. He helps others as his way of making sense of it all. That it happened to him so that he could help others. Did he get into his 'everything is for a reason' belief?"
"Sort of."
"If he ever gets mad it's only because he's watching you make a mistake that can be easily avoided. Dave's an awesome guy, I'm lucky to have him as a brother, and you're lucky to have him as..." He laughed, "...as your boyfriend."
A tear broke free and trickled down my cheek. I felt like a jerk for taking offense to what Dave had said. It was probably the most heart-felt message I'd ever heard. I looked at my house and noticed some lights that I didn't leave on... "I forgot! My dad is probably home! I should get inside..." I opened the door and turned after I'd stepped out. "Thanks, Ben. For the ride and... well, for everything."
"Call me if you wanna talk, k?"
I nodded, "See ya."
He drove off and I punched in the code for the garage. I peeked under the rising door, and yup! My dad's car was there. I found him behind his desk in the den, shuffling through papers. He motioned me in. Forcing a smile he asked, "Hey, Jeff. So, do you feel like an uncle?"
Oh, shit, I can't believe I had actually forgotten. "No, it still hasn't really sunk in." I sat in a squeaky leather chair, I tried to sound serious. "So, dad, what's this emergency mom told me about?"
"Well son," he put down some papers, "there's been a mixup. My company is under investigation. All of our assets are frozen."
"Which means..."
"Which means, I don't have a source of income until the investigation is over."
"We have savings though, don't we?"
"Yes, but our savings is a little low because of the Europe trip, but I have some stocks I can sell. We'll be fine, as long as it doesn't last forever."
"What are they investigating? Tax fraud?"
My father sighed, I had asked a question he was hoping to avoid. "Money laundering."
I couldn't help my shocked expression. Part of me was thinking about what it would mean if it was true... From my understanding, money laundering was related to the mob, drug money or something like that. Wow. "Is there any way I can help?"
My father relaxed a little and leaned back in his chair. The only other time I had ever seen him nervous in front of me was our painful 'Birds and Bees' discussion. Seeing him like was a little disturbing. "Actually, yes, I need you to hide about $2 million of dirty money."
My mouth dropped, "What?"
"A joke! I could see you getting tense. Seriously, I would appreciate it if you could go to the university tomorrow and put up fliers. We're going to rent out the basement since we nearly have a full kitchen down there and with the extra tv room and the guest bed room. It'll help pay some bills, let our money last longer if this thing takes longer than we expect."
"Sure, I'll be glad to help!"
My father, and I feel weird saying this, is a good-looking man. Time had treated his hairline very well, but it didn't stop it from going gray. His face still showed signs of the young virile stud that had wooed my mother. Sometimes his expressions looked almost child-like. As if, for an instant, I was his big brother that he looked up to. Like I had a different outlook on the world that he found exciting. As he looked at me, I saw almost a sense of awe. Like he was constantly amazed by the person I was, that he was proud that I was his son.
That look hurt me.
All the pride I saw him build was surely going to come crashing down someday. It almost made me want to disappoint him now so he wouldn't keep his hopes so high over who I was going to become. I knew I could only bring shame and disappointment.
"Thanks, Jeff. I knew you'd come through for me."
I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye. "No problem." I knew it wasn't the most natural time to leave, but I stood and walked up to my room.
-- With either the religion or the drugs, I'm not lecturing and judging anyone. I'm no Bible thumper, and I've never been a member of DARE. By no means am I an innocent 21 year old; I've done my share of everything. That's all I'm writing about, the things I've done and how I'm dealing with them.
As for Dave's drug speech and his girlfriend killing herself, I debated whether to include that or not. Unfortunately, it is based on fact. I dated a girl who watched her friend die in the exact way depicted. It was the most traumatic thing she had ever witnessed and she completely reformed her life afterwards. She's been clean for about 8 years now.
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