Today was weird all the way around. I got to school early because I wanted to run in to Pat. Nick told me that I needed to conveniently be places were Pat was because that would help us get closer, faster. I posted up outside the main entrance and I waited. I was standing there for a long time looking around. At one point I was sorry that I didn't smoke. A cigarette would have been the perfect cover. I zoned out looking at something, and it wasn't until Pat was standing in front of me that I realized I had zoned out on his eyes. I was surprised he kept eye contact with me for that long. It seemed kind of strange, but it sent a tingle through my body as we stared in to each other's eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something to break the silence, but he just couldn't find the words. The only thing I could think of was to say `what's up.' He instantly looked relieved that I had said something, but his eyes quickly darted away from mine.
He thought I was waiting for John so I had to explain to him that I wasn't. He seemed nervous and really unsure of himself. I didn't know what to think, but of course I wondered if I made him nervous. I made up some lame excuse for standing outside and then we walked in together. I spent the walk down the main hallway trying to figure out something to say to him, but I kept drawing a blank. Our brief moment was over before I could find something to say. He turned to walk towards his locker and I didn't want him to leave my side. I grabbed his arm to stop him and I immediately felt horrible for doing it. I held his arm a little too long. He turned around and looked at my hand first and then he looked up my arm to my face. When his eyes peered in to mine, I knew he understood. I had to jerk my arm away to keep him from reading the entire truth in my eyes. I was a little scared by the intensity of his look. I went insane for a moment and pictured an `I'm Gay' sign tattooed on my forehead. I didn't want to scare him off, so I had to play it cool. I told him I was going the other way, and we parted ways.
Nick was waiting at my locker to see how everything went. Before I could reach him good, he said, "Please tell me everything went okay so I don't feel bad about getting up 30 minutes early this morning."
I didn't know what to say. "I think he knows."
"What, you mean like." he leaned in to whisper "gaydar or something?"
I maintained our closeness so we could continue to
whisper. "No, I mean, like he looks in to my eyes like he
can see clear to my soul. It's unnerving and scary. I swear
he tries to talk to me through his eyes."
"Did he say something about it?"
"No."
"So stop being a little bitch. You're just paranoid."
"But."
"But nothing! Relax, he's not going to want you if you act like a baby."
I started laughing. "Which one is it? Am I a bitch, or a baby?"
"Both! You smartass." He smirked at me.
"Oh, so now I'm a smartass, too?"
"I know you're trying to change the subject and deflect attention away from your little situation, but you obviously are forgetting how long I've known you. Hell, I'm the one who helped you perfect the technique. You want to talk about something else? Fine! I just have one more thing to say about it. Relax around him and try your hardest to be yourself. You're irresistible when you're yourself." He winked at me.
He always knew how to put me at ease. I smacked him upside his head and laughed as I said, "Shut up genius and go to class."
He started to back away from me as he took his final jab. "I thought I told you to work on your vocabulary." With that, he flashed a smile and turned around to walk to his class. I stood at my locker thinking about what Nick had said.
After that, my day was uneventful until lunch. Nick and I were sitting at our table in the lunchroom, when Pat and his friends walked over. Pat asked Nick if they could join us and Nick said sure. I was a little hurt that Pat didn't ask me. I thought we were beginning to at least be friends. I glanced over at Pat's usual table and the girls sitting there looked completely confused. I smiled to myself. Maybe his presence was a good sign. Nick, Pat, John, Drew and I talked like we had been friends for a long time.
I noticed that Pat didn't make eye contact with me once. He acted like he was afraid to even look at me. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I knew I should just sit there and be quiet. I tried not to stare at him, but I couldn't help it. The man of my dreams was sitting across from me! How could I not stare? Anyway, towards the end of lunch I started to feel eyes watching me. Feeling like you're being watched is a truly creepy feeling. I looked towards the direction that the discomfort was emanating from, and I found John's eyes. He leaned over to my ear and whispered, "We need to talk." I could tell by the way he said it that it wasn't about the tutoring. I thought for a moment that maybe Nick was right and John was having a secret affair with Pat. Maybe John didn't want me looking at his man that way. A million thoughts ran though my head as John whispered, "Get up and let's go outside." We both stood which drew Pat's attention right away. He asked where we were going, and to my surprise, John lied. John Charleston lied. I didn't even think his brain could form a lie, let alone allow the lie to slip so easily off of his tongue and just glide out of his mouth smelling like fresh flowers caked in morning dew. I suspected John of covering something up before, and after watching him lie without hesitation, I knew my suspicions were well founded.
We dumped our trays and walked out of the cafeteria. We walked out the door that led to the courtyard area. Once out there, I followed John to a secluded tree.
"Does Nick have a crush on Pat?"
His question almost made me fall over. I didn't know where it was coming from. "No! Of course not! Nick is straight."
"Are you sure?" he asked like he knew I was lying to him.
"Yes, I'm sure."
"Hmm." He looked at the grass for a moment so I assumed he was gathering his thoughts. Suddenly, he pushed me up against the tree and stared in to my eyes. I wasn't scared because I could see that he was searching my eyes for the truth. His face was so close to mine that his warm breath felt like fingertips faintly tracing over my cheeks. I never noticed how beautiful his emerald eyes were until that second. I thought `Of all the times to notice something like that, of course it has to be at the absolute worst time.' Then I noticed that the look in his eyes changed. I couldn't discern the new look. I was struck by the realization that he had me pinned up against a tree with his right forearm lightly against my chest holding me in place. I couldn't get a read on the new look in his eyes and that terrified me. I was afraid he would hit me. I knew he was known to be non- violent, but he was also known to be truthful and I had just watched him dispel that rumor. "What about you?"
"Huh?"
"Are you gay?"
No one had directly asked me that question before. Nick just told me that I was, and he was the only person who ever called me on it. "Um."
I didn't know how to respond to his question. I didn't want to lie, but I would rather die than tell him the truth. I looked in his eyes again and I thought I understood his look. His eyes had a look of sudden realization. There was a jigsaw puzzle in his head and one by one, he was putting the pieces together. He started laughing. "You are! Aren't You?" I opened my mouth to make a denial, but he quickly covered my mouth with his left hand. "Ssh. Don't say anything. I see it now, clear as day. Is Nick like your wingman or something? No, don't answer that. Obviously he is." He removed his hand from my mouth and stood back some, releasing me from the hold of his forearm. He gently brushed off the front of my shirt, like he was wiping away dust or something. All the time, I stood there in shock wondering what was happening.
I finally worked up the courage to speak. "So, um."
"Relax, I'm not going to tell anyone. I made a bet with Drew. He thought you were gay and I thought Nick was gay." He looked at me and smiled. I couldn't help but smile with him. "I guess I was wrong. I can't believe I lost a bet to Drew. I really needed that money too."
Without thinking, I blurted out, "For what? You're rich!"
He looked me in my eyes and I swear I saw a hint of sadness. "My father is rich. I have nothing."
He said it in such a way that I wasn't sure if I should laugh or hold him or say something. I just stood there like an idiot.
"I didn't hurt you did I?" He looked sincere when he asked me that.
"No."
"Good, because I was just playing around. Besides, you're a hockey player! You could kick my ass if you wanted to."
"I know." I tried to flash a smile that would put him at ease, but I know it came out all wrong. The bell rung for the next class, but neither one of us made a move to leave. I knew then I would be skipping my next class. "So, what was with pushing me up against a tree?"
"I don't know. It was s spur of the moment thing. In my head, it made perfect sense. Push you up against a tree and just look in your eyes to see if you were telling me the truth. I was about to step back when I saw something else in your eyes. I saw fear, but I couldn't figure out why you were scared of me. I am no match for you and we both know it. Then my mind started racing and I started having all these ideas. The question came out before I knew it, and the look on your face told me your answer."
"Well aren't you the observant one?"
"Whatever. I just pay attention to people."
"Still doesn't explain why you pushed me up against a tree. That's not normal for you, or at least not the you we see walking around school."
He looked offended and the small smile that found its home
on his lips, slowly disappeared. "What's that suppose
to mean?" "Nothing, just an observation of my own."
"You don't know me."
"I know you're hiding something."
"Aren't we all?"
"Perhaps. You're not gay are you?"
He laughed. "Not really."
"What?"
"Well I don't really know."
"Huh?"
"It's complicated." My head registered that as `Yep, he's got issues.'
I just laughed it off and said, "Whatever."
We sat down in the grass and talked during the next lunch period. John wouldn't reveal much about his life, but I did learn that he was missing a class with Pat and Pat was sure to question him about it.
I spent that skipped class learning more about John, and yet learning less about him. He knew my deepest, darkest secret, but he didn't trust me. He revealed superficial things that told me nothing about who he was. I rationalized that we didn't know each other that well, but part of me was sure that he would be just as guarded even if we did. I wondered why I was the only one who could see past his bullshit. The weird thing is that he knew it too. He had shown me sides to him that I bet no one except for maybe Drew and his parents had ever seen before. I knew John was up to something, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I decided then that I would need to keep him close for further observations.
c Lustyville 2005 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.