Kyle and John have become very chummy since the incident two weeks ago. Earlier today, I saw them in the lunchroom sitting with Nick. They looked so comfortable with each other. I was sitting at my table with Drew and the usual suspects and Drew was still dating Laurie but we were testing the waters to see if a relationship between us was plausible. I hated that Drew wouldn't break up with her but what I hated most was seeing Kyle and John together. Something about seeing the two of them next to each other churned my stomach. I hadn't figured out exactly why it bothered me, but I knew for a fact that I hated it. Sometimes I had to grit my teeth to keep myself from going insane. Those two looked so damn happy. They've probably hooked up by now. God I hate those two. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them! That was my lunch period, wasted sitting next to Drew who was sitting next to his girlfriend and trying to focus on anything but Kyle and John.
John and Drew had started speaking to each other a little, but that's it for the making up and mending fences shit. John tried to talk to me at the beginning of the week, but I had nothing to say to him. Kyle didn't sit next to me in class anymore. I've tried to talk to him several times, but he always turned around and walked away or pretended that he didn't hear me and he had successfully ignored me and somehow managed not to speak to me directly at practice. His behavior was childish, but it didn't upset me. The only times I was upset with him were the times when he was with John.
Coach noticed the tension between me and Kyle because today Coach called us in to his office after practice to tell us that we seemed to have some issues with each other. His exact words were, "I know you two have never been close, but you seemed to be really getting along for a few practices, and now something's changed. I don't know what the hell you two are arguing about, and usually I wouldn't care as long as you used that aggression against your opponents, but your attitudes are starting to effect the team. I expect the two of you to talk this out tonight. If you need to pummel each other through the padding then go at it, but this shit ends right here, right now! Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes sir," we both said.
He left his office and Kyle and I both sat in silence for a few minutes. I knew this wasn't my fault. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't talk to me. I knew I wasn't the good guy in this fight, but I didn't think I was completely the bad guy either. "Kyle, why won't you talk to me?" I finally asked him.
He looked at me and for a second, I fell in to his eyes and almost drowned. "Why should I talk to you?"
"Because we never finished our discussion. You and John just sort of got up and left. I thought we would talk later, but you won't talk to me anymore. How can we work this out if you won't talk to me?"
I could see that he was thinking. A small smile crept across his face. "What do you mean we? Aren't you with Drew now?"
"Not exactly," I told him. His smile faded.
"What does that mean?"
"It means I don't know what's going on. I know you think I love Drew, but I don't think I do. He and I are trying to see what's going on between us, but that's all. He's still with Laurie and I'm still thinking about you, even though I know you're with John now."
A look of surprise washed across his face, before his lips pulled away revealing his contagious smile. "What? We're not together! We're just friends. He's in love with" his eyes went wide for a second as he realized he was about to say something he shouldn't "um, I meant we don't look at each other like that."
I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulder. "So you're not together?"
"No."
"Oh" was all I could manage to say.
"So what exactly is going on with you and Drew?"
"We're still trying to figure that out." I told him.
"Oh" he said as he stood up.
I reached out and grabbed his hand. There was that familiar spark again. His skin was so soft. I was relieved he had taken his gloves off. He must have felt the connection because he didn't rip his hand away, instead, he looked at our hands. My thumb was rubbing against the backside of his hand. After what seemed like minutes, but was undoubtedly seconds, he pulled his hand away. "Don't!" I said as he started to walk away.
He turned around and said, "I can't do this! You can't have both of us. Come talk to me when you know who you want, because I know exactly who I want. That's never changed." He started walking away again and he stopped when he reached the door. He looked at me. "I'm not saying I'll wait forever, but I'll give you a little more time because I know this has to be difficult for you. I also know he's not right for you and maybe you need to see that for yourself. He'll never leave Laurie, he's too scared, but you don't get that, do you? It's written all over him, but you can't read it." He paused for a minute and glanced at the clock, then his gaze returned to me. "Don't come back to me because he's hurt you, if you come back, do it because I'm the one that's in your heart. We'll deal with your infidelity later, if we can even call it that, because we technically weren't together. Ohhh. You know what I mean." He moved to open the door and then he suddenly turned around again. My neck was hurting from looking in his direction, but the discomfort was worth it because I got to look in his eyes one more time. "And another thing, don't think of this as an ultimatum, think of this as an open invitation to my heart that has an expiration date only I know." He smiled at me and I smiled back without thinking. "Now there's that smile I lov, um, there's that smile." He blushed before he turned and quickly ran out the room.
I stayed in my seat a little while longer trying to figure out my next step. Chris and Nick were so lucky that they weren't directly involved in this drama. What I wouldn't have given to be one of them, but no, not me, I had to be smack dab in the middle of the shit. I sat in the office thinking until I heard the door opening. I turned to see who it was and I was a little surprised to see Coach.
"I saw Kyle leave a few minutes ago. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay with you. Did you guys work it out?"
"I think so. At least he's talking to me now. I don't know what I would have done if he kept ignoring me. I love him too, ohh." My mouth sealed itself shut as I realized that I had said too much and I sat still hoping that the tingling in my cheeks was not me turning red, but rather some latent reaction from a hit during practice. Coach didn't care about the details, he just wanted us to work it out.
"You've already told me more than enough. I just wanted to hear that everything was good," he said.
"Sorry, sir."
"No need for apologies. Now may I have my office back so I can get some work done?"
"Yes, sir. Sorry sir, I mean, um, I'm not sorry. I'm leaving." I grabbed my stick and noticed that Kyle left his. I picked his up as well, hoping it would be a good excuse to talk to him again. I assumed the locker room would be empty, but I walked to the locker room and was surprised to find a half naked Kyle inside. I had expected him to fly away from the building as quickly as possible. I handed him his stick, "You forgot your stick." He grabbed it and thanked me. My eyes wondered to his chest and down the line that divided his abdomen. I knew I was staring, but I couldn't stop myself. I'm not sure when my brain shut down and the other head took control, but at some point my brain ceased to function properly. Everything came flooding to me. It was definitely Kyle I wanted. I didn't feel this level of excitement when I was around Drew. My time with Drew had obviously come and gone and we couldn't go back and reclaim it, no matter how hard we tried. My hand had a mind of its own as it reached out and traced a path from Kyle's chest to his abdomen. He didn't say anything. Suddenly he jumped back, throwing his body up against the lockers behind him.
"No!" he yelled as he swatted my hand away. "We're not going to do this! Work out your shit first!" He seemed almost frantic as he threw on a pair of pants and grabbed his stuff.
I didn't know what to do. It took me a few seconds to realize that he was going to run from me. His back was to me. I stepped behind him and he must have felt that I was close to him because he turned around. I turned him to the side and pushed him against the lockers and he dropped his bag. "I've worked it out, it's you!" I leaned in and kissed him. He allowed his lips to part and grant my tongue access. My hands rubbed up and down his sides. His breathing was becoming erratic, and so was mine. I mentally cursed my damn padding because I desperately wanted our bodies to make direct contact. I was brought back to reality by a sharp push from Kyle. He pushed me hard and I wasn't expecting it, so I went flying over the bench in the middle of the aisle. I landed on my ass.
"Don't do this to me! Don't fucking toy with me!" I could see the hurt in his eyes. He grabbed his bag off the floor and ran out the locker room without bothering to put on a shirt. That wasn't the way I envisioned it. I took my time changing and showering because I needed time to think. I left the rink a little later than usual.
I saw Drew's car as I pulled in to my driveway. He had been coming over everyday since the incident so I expected him to be there, but at the same time, he was the last person I wanted to see. I got out my car and went up to my bedroom where I knew he would be waiting. I opened my bedroom door and he was on me, kissing me and trying to initiate our usual make-out session, but I couldn't do it. I realized that I always pretended he was Kyle in my mind and now I couldn't do that anymore. He would never be Kyle. I gently pushed him away and asked him the same question I asked everyday, "Did you break up with Laurie?"
"Come on Pat, don't be like that. You know it's complicated," he said as he tried to embrace me again.
I pushed him off a little rougher. "Don't bother."
"Don't bother what?" he asked me.
"Don't bother breaking up with her, because I'm not worth it. We can't be together anymore."
I watched the tears well up in his eyes. "Why?"
"I realized today that it's Kyle. It's been Kyle and you'll never be him. But you don't want to be him, do you?" Drew looked at me and then looked away. "Answer the question!"
"What question?"
"You don't want to be him, do you? You want to have a secret relationship with me and still mess around with Laurie to keep up appearances, but you could never commit to me the way he would." I could hear Kyle's words in my head, he was right about Drew, but I think I already knew it, I just needed to hear it. "You're too scared to be happy and I'm in love with someone else so I can't even offer you happiness. We should cut our losses now before we make a bigger mess of our friendship and our lives." I waited for him to say something, but he didn't. He just stood there looking at me. "Well?" I finally said.
I watched a few tears fall from his eyes. "Why are you breaking my heart?" he asked me.
"Because you need me as a friend, not a lover and because I want Kyle. I'm sorry, but I think we both knew this was a joke. Maybe in some alternate universe we could have worked, but there's no us in the here and now."
He closed the space between us and put his arms around me. I hugged him back, trying to comfort him. "But I love you," he whispered as he cried on my shoulder.
"I know you do and I love you, too, but neither of us loves the other the way we should. You told me I made you curious, so maybe all I am is an experiment for you, but whatever it is, we can't keep going." I realized that my eyes were leaking tears as well. I didn't expect it to be so emotional. I thought I would tell him it was over and he would say `ok' and understand. I thought he would go running to Laurie for sex and the next day everything would be forgotten.
We stood there, holding each other and crying. I didn't know why I was crying, but I couldn't seem to stop. After a few minutes, my tears started to dry up and I could feel that Drew's grip had loosened some. It was then that I heard him whisper something, but I couldn't make out what it was. "Huh?"
"I said if I can't have you, there's only one other person I want."
"I know, so go be with Laurie."
He stepped back from our embrace and looked me in the eyes. "It's not Laurie."
Copyright Lustyville 2006 Please send comments to lustyville@yahoo.com and check out my yahoo group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lustyville.