********** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real, aka: "FICTION". I don't know *NSync, nor do I know their sexual preferences. If you're underage or homophobic, GO AWAY. Everyone else is welcome! Feedback to reader_colleen@hotmail.com, please.
Thanks to Kenitra of "Millennium Love" for giving the inspiration for the format of this story. And, as always, many thanks go out to the nsyncslash list (Jayne, Red, Wen, Becca, and the rest of you wonderful people!). Scott, hope you like the rest of this story as much as you liked your chapter(s)!
The song lyrics and title are from 98 Degrees. **********
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below The Hardest Thing- JC POV By Colleen
Well, it seems Lance found our wayward member. Goody for him. I know I shouldn't be so bitter, but after six months, it's hard to be kind. It's even harder when the wayward member happens to be the one who broke your heart and then ran. Lance tracked him down, and is bringing him home. The rest of us are just sitting here at Justin's house, waiting for them to arrive. Lance wanted Chris to talk to us before he had a chance to hide. Chicken.
A knock sounds at the door, so Justin opens it. Lo and behold, it's them.
"Hey," Lance says quietly. Chris doesn't say anything, just stands in the doorway, looking at me.
"Are you coming in?" Justin asks Chris rudely. Chris just silently steps into the house, not looking at anyone. My gaze shifts over to Lance, who looks scared silly.
"Where did you find him?" Joey finally asks, breaking the silence.
"Louisburg, then Mississippi." It's Chris, not Lance, who responds.
"What the hell were you doing in Louisburg for six months?"
"Working in a psychologist's office."
"Why'd you end up in Mississippi?" Justin demands.
"Lance found me, so I ran," Chris says simply. "I didn't want to face any of you just yet."
"Why'd you come back then?" My voice comes out sharper than intended, and Chris blanches slightly.
"Because Lance asked me to," he says softly. Nothing else is said. I find myself studying Chris long and hard, wondering what I saw in him when we first started dating. Sure, he's cute in his own way, but I try to remember what made him so special. Nothing comes to mind immediately.
"JC..." Chris's voice is tiny.
"What?"
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" OK, now I'm ticked. "You're fucking SORRY? It took you six months to admit THAT?" I'm yelling at the top of my lungs- something I don't do very often and it scares me. The look on Chris's face scares me, too, because he looks so... broken.
"I'm sorry, Josh," is all he can say before he turns and runs out the door. Lance glares at me before running after him. Justin takes my hand and hugs me while Joey looks torn between the two of us.
"Go after him," I tell Joey. "You were always his friend before mine." With one last look at Justin and me, he obeys.
"I can't believe Lance brought him back," Justin mutters once we're alone. "Hasn't he done enough damage already?"
"Justin, shut up!" I'm getting sick of his attitude. For six months, he's been telling me how horrible Chris is, and how he deserves whatever he gets, but I'm tired of hearing it.
"What crawled up your ass?" Justin demands. I sigh.
"Justin, no matter how pissed off you are at Chris, you telling me at every opportunity what a horrible person he is is REALLY starting to get on my nerves. I don't need you to remind me every day what an asshole he was. My heart tells me every day."
"Josh..."
"Justin, stop. I don't want to hear anymore out of you until the others get back. Understood?" Justin nods, looking confused. I don't blame him. I'm pretty confused right now, too. Seeing Chris somehow doesn't make me feel how I thought it would. When I saw him, I felt almost nothing in terms of anger or hatred. I just felt... tired. Tired of listening to Justin, tired of hurting, or just plain tired of life, I'm not sure. And that's confusing me. The love is still there, but the anger that was there six months ago is slowly vanishing. The pain of betrayal hasn't lessened, although I can face him without wanting to rip his head off now.
"JC?" Lance is back. His eyes are red-rimmed, and it's obvious he's just finished crying.
"Yeah?"
"Can we talk to you?" I nod and stand up, Justin following suit. Lance glances over at him. "Alone?" Justin looks even more confused, but he sits back down. Silently I follow Lance outside, to where Joey and Chris are sitting side-by-side on the swing Lynn and Paul had installed not too long ago. When Joey catches site of me, he stands up and joins Lance, who remains on the porch. It's far enough away to let this be a private conversation, yet close enough to stop should either one of us become too upset.
"Thank you," Chris says quietly. I just look at him, waiting for whatever he has to say for himself. "I'm sorry, Josh, for so many things..." he finally starts. I snort.
"At this point, 'sorry' doesn't even BEGIN to cut it." Instead of the pain I expected to see on his face, I see anger.
"Fuck this," he yells. "It's obvious you don't want to hear this, so why am I even here? Why the hell did I let Lance drag me back here? There's nothing here for me anymore."
"What do you mean?" I'm starting to get a little nervous. I've never seen him like this!
"Just tell me one thing Josh- did you ever love me? I mean, really love me?" His eyes are so full of pain. Pain that I know is mirrored in my own.
"What does it matter now?"
"I need to know. If our relationship could be destroyed because of ONE mistake I made, then I would like to know if there was really any kind of feeling there at all. I know I LOVED you with all my heart. I probably always will. But I need to know if you felt the same way." I'm shocked, to say the least. He never once mentioned his doubts about my feelings for him... and yet, I feel the need to hurt him as much as he's hurt me.
"No," I say, not quite believing the words that are coming out of my mouth. "I never loved you. I confused lust with love. You were there after a messy breakup, and I guess I was just on the rebound." The look in his eyes now breaks my heart yet again. We're even now, if we're keeping score of the pain inflicted on the other. Somehow, I know that my words were the final nail in the coffin that was our relationship. The love I still feel for him can never be returned after this.
"Thank you for being honest," Chris chokes out before turning away, but not before I see the tears running down his face. I stand there for a minute, studying the man in front of me. Is this the same man I was so angry at not six months ago? Is this the same man who cheated on me? It's hard to believe. Before I can break down and confess my lie, I do the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I walk away. And I don't look back, even though I feel tears start to run down my own face. I'm sorry, Chris. I love you.
***** It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie To show no emotion when you starts to cry I can't let you see what you mean to me When my hands are tied and my heart's not free We're not meant to be It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do To turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you. *****