*********** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real. Comprende? *NSync (ie-- Chris and JC) may or may not be gay. Who cares? Whatever floats their respective boats is their business and not mine.
Thanks go out to my muses: Dara, Red, Tariana, Jackie and Casey. Without you guys, I wouldn't be writing so much. And that goes for everyone who has e-mailed me, too. If I didn't get such wonderful feedback from my readers, I wouldn't write. SO THANK YOU, all of you.
Special thanks to Kenitra ("Millennium Love") for the idea for the story's format. The song & lyrics are by Guns N Roses. **********
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below November Rain- JC POV By Colleen
Well, here we are. Chris and I are sitting here, just staring at each other. Neither one of us really knows what to say now-- we've said what we needed to. We've said we're sorry for our actions, but what now?
"What now?" Chris asks, seemingly reading my thoughts.
"I don't know," I tell him honestly. "I've never had to do this before."
"You think I have?" I have to smile at his words. He's still the same Chris I've always known-- witty and more than a little saracastic.
"Really-- what now?" Chris sighs.
"We start over, I guess."
"How can we start over?" I ask him. "Chris, it's not that easy to just forget months of pain."
"I know, Josh." I know he does, too, because no matter how much I was hurting during our time apart, I know Chris was hurting almost as badly. I know that now, and I'm just sorry I didn't see it earlier. I've missed him.
"We have to talk about this sometime, or else we'll never put ourselves back together," I tell him sensibly. I don't want this... issue... to tear us apart again. We need to get this out in the open.
"I know. This is as good a time as any."
"Why?" That one word throws him for a loop, as he obviously wasn't expecting me to be so direct. He lets out a sigh and sits back in his chair.
"Would you believe me if I said I honestly don't know? I mean, I wasn't mad at you, you weren't mad at me, I wasn't PMSing... I honestly don't know why I did what I did. I just wish I could take it all back. Take back the night, as they say."
"I wish you could take back the night, too. Do you have any idea what it was like for me to see you doing THAT? Especially after what you'd helped me through? I gave you everything I had, Chris. And in that one, stupid act, you destroyed it. You destroyed ME. I'm still not fully together." My words strike him harder than I intended them, but I won't take them back. I need him to see what it was like for me.
"Don't you think I knew that the second I saw you in the doorway? Don't you think I've been beating myself up each day, thinking about that very thing? Self-guilt is my best friend, Josh. And self-guilt is worse than anything you could ever dish out, believe me." I have to cringe, because I know he's right. I've been feeling the self-guilt too, because I let him get away from me once. We've both made mistakes, and now we have to fix them.
"I have an idea, Chris..." I start. "Let's start totally fresh. From scratch."
"Like we've never met before? If you think that will work..." he sounds doubtful and I don't blame him. That's an insane idea if I've ever thought one, but it just might work.
"I'm Joshua Chasez," I tell him abrubtly, standing and offering my hand. His dark eyes are confused, but he takes my offered hand anyway.
"Chris Kirkpatrick," he introduces himself. The look on his face is so comical, I almost start laughing. He looks like he's about to die from holding in his own laughter at our rediculous behavior.
"Where are you from?" I ask him politely.
"Josh, this is stupid..." he protests.
"Nope, not stupid. Answer me." Sighing, Chris lowers his head for a moment.
"Pennsylvania," he finally says. "You?"
"Maryland. D.C."
"Those are two different places."
"Shut up!" We both laugh at the same time, and in that instant, I know that somehow, we can put things back together. And somehow... somehow, it'll all work itself out.
***** And when your fears subside And shadows still remain I know that you can love me When there's no one left to blame So never mind the darkness We still can find a way' Cause nothin' lasts forever Even cold November rain *****