*********** DISCLAIMER: This story is not real. Comprende? *NSync (ie-- Chris and JC) may or may not be gay. Who cares? Whatever floats their respective boats is their business and not mine. I just like playing with them a little. No actual *NSyncers were harmed during the creation of this story.
Thanks go out to the nsyncslash list, SCOTT (twice now, Scott!), Red, Jayne, DARA, Jackie, Angel, Demona, and everyone else who's e-mailed me about this story. I have a horrible memory for names, so forgive me if you're not mentioned here. I appreciate the feedback, I really do!
Special thanks to Kenitra ("Millennium Love") for the idea for the story's format. The song & lyrics are from the Steps song. **********
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below One For Sorrow- Chris POV By Colleen
***** I wanted your love, but look what it's done to me All my dreams have come to nothing Who would have believed All the laughter that we shared would be a memory I cannot count the tears you've cost me If I could have seen
And do you often think of me And how we use to be? Oh, I know you're somewhere else right now Loving someone else no doubt. Well I'm one for sorrow Ain't it too too bad Are you breaking someone else's heart? 'Cos your talking my love where you are Well I'm one for sorrow Ain't it too too bad about us? *****
I never listened to that group until I heard that song on the radio yesterday... 'One For Sorrow'... describes me perfectly. But it's better now than it was, kinda. I mean, it's impossible for me to forget that any of that shit happened, but at least here, I can ignore the fact that it DID, and live my life over again. I don't even use the alias I used before anymore-- I'm still Chris Kirkpatrick, not Alan Kirk.
"Chris?" I hear a voice call. It's my boss, wanting my attention.
"Yes, sir?" I say.
"Why are you daydreaming when there is someone standing right in front of you?" he asks me, his voice amused. I glance up and start. Of all the people to show up...
"Hi, Danielle." My ex-girlfriend stands in front of me, larger than life (no pun intended). She looks wonderful and I find myself admiring her a little. Hey, I may be gay, but I'm not blind! I can admire a woman-- I just don't feel sexual attraction towards them.
"So this is where you're hiding," she smiles. I can't help but smile back. I realize my boss is standing beside me, so I glance over at him.
"Can I leave for lunch now, sir?" I asked. "I'd like to talk to Dani here for a while."
"Certainly," he grants. "Just be back sometime before closing!" I laugh and stand up, offering Dani my arm in a 'gentlemanly' gesture. She laughs at me and takes it. We walk like that until we get outside, where we pause.
"Where to for lunch?" I ask her.
"Anywhere we can talk," she says and I inwardly sigh. I know where this is going. I lead her to a little Chinese restaurant near my work, thinking about the irony of it all. We're going to talk about my relationship-or lack thereof-with Josh in one of his favorite places. The Creator sure has a strange sense of humor sometimes.
"So, tell me about Josh," Danielle says after the waiter has taken our food and drink orders. Another sigh from me. Why did I know this was coming? And why was I dreading this conversation so much?
"What can I say, Dani? I fucked up, and I'm facing the consequences."
"What do you mean?"
"Dani, I know one of them told you, so don't play innocent with me. I'm too tired for that," I say grumpily. Dani looks surprised.
"Chris, I didn't..."
"I know, sweetie. But it's still a touchy subject with me."
"I'm sorry," Dani says softly, studying the placemat. I reach over and put my hand on top of hers.
"I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't be so grouchy with you." We both laugh, thinking about how silly we sound. But it's true-- I have no reason to be grouchy with Dani. She's done nothing but be absolutely wonderful to me, even after she found out I was gay. Whichever man ends up catching her eye had better appreciate what an angel he has in his life.
"Really, Chris, what happened? I've never known you to just take off like this."
"It's just one big mess, and it was getting worse the longer I stayed there," I softly explain as the waiter suddenly reappears with our food. Silence descends as we eat, but I can see the concern written in her eyes. I wonder who sent her. She didn't come all the way from New York just so I could take her to lunch. She's pretty busy with FuMan Skeeto, and I know for a fact that we have a new line coming in and she can't afford to miss a day simply because she feels like it. I know her better than that, as well.
"Chris, why?" Dani asks once we're finished. I sigh. I saw this one coming, too. I really should be a psychic.
"That's the $64, 000 question now, isn't it? Would you believe me if I said I don't know?" I ask ruefully.
"Yes," she says simply, shocking me. "I know you love Josh and you'd never do anything to hurt him. But what you did was stupid."
"You don't have to tell ME that!" I exclaim. "You didn't see Josh when he found us. You didn't see Josh for the week after. You haven't seen him, Dani!"
"Neither have you," she says mildly. I just look at her. "Chris, do you really believe that JC never loved you?"
"What reason do I have not to believe?" I ask her bitterly. "I read it in his eyes, Dani."
"He was hurt..."
"SO WAS I!"
"Chris, shut up! If he really never loved you, then why was he so hurt that you had cheated on him? Why did he cry for almost six months straight? And why did he cry when they watched your plane take off?"
"I can't answer the first two, but the third one's easy-- when I left, I broke up *NSync. Josh's career means more to him than anything."
"I think you're wrong there," is all Danielle says. The cheque comes and we both grab for it but her arms are longer than mine. I hate being so short! She pays and we leave, heading back to the office. I don't really want to go back to work, so I try to stall outside for a few minutes longer.
"Thanks for coming, Dani," I tell her as I give her a soft kiss, which she returns. We're friends now more than anything. We don't need a romantic relationship to sustain us.
"Think about what I asked you, Chris," she pleads. "Think about why Josh cried so much."
"I probably reminded him of his ex-boyfriend," I murmer. "That's why he cried, 'cause all those earlier emotions came crashing back at once." Dani just shakes her head at me, looking like she wants to throttle me.
"Chris, you really are blind. But seriously, sweetie-- think about it. See you around." With that, she's gone, leaving me staring after her, wondering just what she meant when she asked me about Josh. Knowing her as I do, she won't tell me, either, so it'll probably puzzle me for the rest of my life, along with a thousand others.
So many puzzles with so few solutions.