It's Colleen, from "Tears In Your Eyes", back (did I leave?) with another story!
DISCLAIMER: You think by now, we'd know this by heart, but I have to do this anyway. I don't know *NSync, nor do I know if any of them are gay. I just borrow their names and certain aspects of their public personalities and I play with them for a while. THIS IS NOT REAL. There, done. Well, except for the ownership thingy... The title of the story itself was taken from the poem, "In Flanders Feilds" by Lt-Col John McRae. The title of this chapter comes from the Bryan Adams song of the same name.
First off, I would like to send a HUGE thank you out to Kenitra ("Millennium Love") for giving the the idea for the format of this story. It will be told in alternating points of view (chapter 1 is Chris, chapter 2 is JC, and so on), but it's marked at the top of the chapter who's narrating.
Secondly, thanks go out to everyone on the nsyncslash e-group, who have been so supportive of this story. Thanks becca, RED, Sammy (both of you), Wen, Leash, Cor, Dayse, Becca, and everyone else I can't remember off the top of my head. You guys ROCK.
Feedback to either reader_colleen@yahoo.com or reader_colleen@hotmail.com. Oh, one last thing- my website. It can be found at http://www10.ewebcity.com/colleensfic Now, on to the story!
Scarce Heard Amid The Guns Below Chapter 1: Please Forgive Me- CHRIS POV
I screwed up, really badly. I still can't believe what I did- how could I have hurt him like this? I saw him this morning for the first time in almost a week, and the dead look in his eyes cut to the very deepest part of my soul. I know I never meant to hurt him, but I did. And I feel horrible for it. We were so happy until one night destroyed everything. One night of stupidity on my part that I will pay for until God only knows when. One night that I wish I could take back. But I can't. And so it goes.
I remember JC once told me about his old boyfriend, the one before me. He cheated on JC for almost two years before they broke up, and it nearly destroyed JC. I know because it was me that held him when he cried. It was me that stayed with him during that time. It was me that he grew to trust, and later it was me that he loved. And I shattered that trust. I don't think I'll ever be able to regain JC's trust. I don't even know if I deserve to regain it.
Why do humans strive to set themselves up for pain? I mean, if we didn't fall in love, we wouldn't have this problem of hurting each other. Theoretically. But if we didn't love, we wouldn't have so many other things in life- joy, laughter, friendship. All of these things are foreign to me right now. I can't remember the last time I laughed. All I can remember right now is tears. Tears and heartache, which usually come hand-in-hand. I've learned this over the time I've been alone with my thoughts. I'm alone now, and it's not something I like. But it's my own fault.
I don't even remember why I decided to get so drunk that night. It's not like Josh and I had a fight or anything. I think I just needed release from the stress of being in a popular group, and I found it in the alcohol the club was serving. The guy at the bar (don't all cheating lovers meet there?) recognized me somehow and we struck up a conversation. It went from there and the next thing I remember, I'm in bed with a strange man and I have Josh's hurt eyes staring into my own. The guy cleared out fast when Josh found us, I DO remember that. He got what he wanted- a quick fuck. I'm just sorry I wasn't strong enough to refuse him and stay faithful to the one person I love more than life itself. But Josh doesn't want to be anywhere near me right now. And I don't blame him.
He stayed with Justin that first night. I know because I heard him crying, even through the walls, and I heard Justin offering comfort. It hurt ten times worse knowing I've destroyed Josh, just like his ex-boyfriend did. I guess I can count myself among that number, too. I don't think JC will want to 'get back together'. I don't think Justin will let him. He won't even look at me, let alone talk. I tried to ask him three days ago how Josh was, but Justin looked right through me like I was invisible. Joey avoids me, too, but Lance at least talks to me sometimes. He talks to me when he has to, yes, but he's gone out of his way to include me in the breakfast plans he makes for the group every morning. I refused this morning when he called me, just as I have every morning for the last week. I don't want to have to see Josh sitting beside Justin, that destroyed look on his face. I don't think I'm strong enough to get through it.
Josh is the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean, I love him more than anything. I loved Danielle, but when you're gay, it's kinda hard to date a woman. Dani understands, though, and acts as if she's still my girlfriend even though we broke up in reality almost two years ago. I wish I could talk to her right now. I need someone to talk to. But I don't have anybody. None of the others were willing to talk, so I stayed silent. I've suffered in silence this past week just as much as Josh has suffered except he has Justin to comfort him when he cries at night. I'm alone. And I don't like it.
Britney's song comes to mind, her first single. "My loneliness is killing me," she sings. It's true. Loneliness can kill a person. It eats away at your soul until there's nothing left. It pulls your heart to pieces and scatters them to the winds. It shatters your mind like so many shards of glass and cuts you with it. Loneliness is NOT a companion that you want to have. I know this. I found this the hard way. I feel tears come but I fight them back. I will not cry over my mistake. I will only try to fix it, but right now, I haven't the foggiest clue how.
My room is starting to close in on me- I need to get out. I just hope I don't run into anyone in the hallway. I don't want to see anybody right now. For once, I want to be alone. And I get my wish as I peek out the door. There isn't a soul in sight. I guess the others are still at breakfast or something, so I grab a backpack, quickly shove a few things into it and leave the hotel. The morning sun is so bright after a week spent in darkness. It's warm, too, a feeling I've nearly forgotten. Sensations like hot and cold didn't even register on me until now. And even this is kind of a weak feeling. I pick a direction and start walking, not even paying attention to where I'm going.
I find myself at the train station for some reason, studying the schedules.
There's a train leaving for Louisburg in a half-hour, so I buy a one-way ticket. I need to get away from everything. I need to forget I screwed up my life so badly, and destroyed the person I love above all else. I need to do a lot of soul-searching and figure out if this is worth it. Is my career really worth putting Josh through the pain of seeing me every day? No. I can decide this right now. I just have to find some way to bow out of the group and quietly leave them without any more heartache to either Josh or myself.
The train arrives and I get on. My seat faces forward and I refuse to look back. I will, someday, but right now, I only focus on one thing. Getting over Josh. I don't deserve him, and so I must move on with my life. I'll send the guys a postcard or something, letting them know I'm still alive, but until I'm ready to face Josh and the pain I caused him, Chris Kirkpatrick of *NSync will disappear. I don't know who I will become once I get where I'm going, but I DO know that I will come back. Someday.
********** Please forgive me - I know not what I do Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you Don't deny me - this pain I'm going through Please forgive me - if I need ya like I do Please believe me - every word I say is true Please forgive me - I can't stop lovin' you **********