Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 7
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As a reminder, Chapters One though Three were Mitchell's first session, and Chapters Four through Six were his second session with Logan. That ended on the heartbreaking separation from Cruz.
7
As I sat in the waiting room, I wasn't sure how today's session would go. The first two had been fairly therapeutic, but this could be quirky. I took my grip off my black book to wipe the clamminess of my hands onto my slacks.
The side table next to me had a selection of magazines. I thumbed through the stack. Golf Digest. National Geographic. People. OUT Magazine. Rolling Stone. Nothing on any of the covers jumped out at me to cause me to flip through the pages, but my appointment was only a couple of minutes away.
I felt fidgety. It wasn't like me. Logan and I were old friends. After college, we both stayed in town. We'd go out for drinks at least once a month. I attended his wedding five years ago. This was so odd.
"Dr. Horwood will see you now, Mr. Sanders." The receptionist stood and motioned to Logan's door, as if I didn't know which was his.
"Good afternoon, Mitchell. How has your day gone?" Logan asked, as I stepped inside his office.
I softly shut his door.
"Fine. Fine."
"Since our last session, how have you felt?"
"Well, we've only had two, but ... the things we talked about last week stirred some things in me."
"Anything you want to talk about?"
"Well ... not exactly. I don't know. Once I got to thinking about those early experiences ... do you think they had an impact on me ... you know, personally?"
"Most likely. I believe most relationships help shape who we are. They don't necessarily mold us, but they affect us."
"I called Cruz last week."
"Oh? How was that?"
"I – I – I loved hearing his voice. Some old feelings came flooding back."
"What kind of feelings?"
"I guess some of those feelings of love, everything I loved about him." I turned to look Logan in the face. "But I realize that was all over a decade ago. He is with a partner now in New Mexico. We are in different places, both in our lives and geographically. We didn't have a lot in common to talk about. But ... I enjoyed talking to him. I felt a bit guilty about letting our friendship slip away."
"But ... you still felt like you were friends, right?"
"Yeah. Sure. But ... more of in a Christmas card kind of way. I just want to talk to him more. I'm going to try to do that."
"Can I offer a suggestion?"
"Sure."
"Schedule it."
"Huh?"
"People use the phrase, `Let's keep in touch.' But it is meaningless unless there are actions behind it. When you get home or to your office, take a moment to write on your calendar to call him once a month. Put some weight behind your decision."
"Hmm." It seemed like a sensible idea. "Do you do things like that?"
"Remember when you and I went out for drinks?"
"You put it in your calendar?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I wanted to maintain our friendship. I didn't want us to drift."
"Wow. I don't know what to say." I looked at him in the eyes again. "Thank you."
Logan smiled at me. Then his head nodded at my journal. "Who's next?
I took a deep breath and opened it.
"Number 7. Logan Horwood. Handsome. Hairy chest. Five and a half inches hard, three soft. No pre-cum. Beautiful balls. Nice bush. Thick, white cum. Fit physique."
"Aw." Logan reclined back in the chair. "I made the book. You may have embellished my length a tad though."
I looked at him quizzically. "Of course, you're in the book. Why would I leave you out?"
He chuckled. "I don't know. Maybe I didn't think I was black book worthy. I was more of a friend category."
That wasn't true.
My senior year was so focused on studies. Graduation was within sight. I still wasn't completely over Cruz. Part of me was. I knew he was no longer here. No longer my boyfriend. No longer an option.
I missed him. Part of me would always love him. But buckling down to make my best grades was the goal now.
Ethics was one of my least favorite courses. It had a longer, more official title, but everyone in class just called it Ethics. I was more of a numbers guy.
"Your name is Mitchell, isn't it?" the guy sitting next to me said.
"Yes."
"How do you like this class?"
"Meh."
He chuckled. "I'm Logan. It's nice to meet you, Mitchell."
"Likewise," I said, shaking his hand.
Logan was handsome. I couldn't have asked for a better person to sit next to in class. I had been sitting here first though. I guess I was just lucky in that regard.
After the lecture had ended fifty minutes later, I saw him turn toward me.
"You're Vaughan's boyfriend, right?"
I laughed. "That was last year. Way last year. I had a more serious relationship after that."
"Ah."
He must have been an acquaintance of Vaughan or had seen us together or something. Clearly Logan didn't have an issue with homosexuals. I wondered if he was gay.
"Friend of Vaughan?"
"More like a friend of a friend of a friend. You and he attended a party I was at. I watched you two for a while."
I raised an eyebrow.
He chuckled. "Wow. That sounded creepy." He laughed hard. "What I meant to say is that the two of you were very handsome together. I thought you were a great fit."
"Well... we were for a while. It didn't really go long-term though. But I guess we learned some things together."
I learned how to fuck, I thought to myself.
"Seeing anyone now?" he asked me.
I wasn't really looking to find someone new. I still had some depression over Cruz's absence, in addition to my dedication to studies.
"Nah. Trying to really get super serious about grades this final year."
"I see. I still have a few to go. I hope to get a Doctorate."
"Whew. I'm kind of just ready to be done, you know?"
"I get it. But ... I've had sort of a life plan to be a therapist or psychologist for my whole life."
"How old were you when you decided that?"
Logan laughed again. "Maybe I had a crush on my high school counselor. Back then, counselors were more about class schedules, but ... I had to ..."
Logan trailed off. I didn't want to pry. It sounded like he had to "talk to someone" during his high school years. It wasn't any of my business.
"My sister was killed in a drunk-driving accident. The other driver. I wasn't handling it well. Mr. McGowan at school really helped me get through it."
"I'm sorry."
"It was a tough time. But once I saw what he did, it ... I don't know ... ignited a spark inside me, if you will."
"Sounds admirable."
"I still will give him a call every now and then when I go back home."
"I'm sure that means something to him. Good for you."
The two of us smiled at each other.
"Can I ask you out?" Logan suggested.
I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, but I had to admit to myself that this felt nice. Sexually, I had been dating my right hand for more than half a year. I was content with that. I still felt empty from Cruz's situation; I didn't want to replace him.
Logan hadn't mentioned anything about sex. It was just going out.
"That sounds nice."
"The parents are taking the bigger hit with college expenses, but I'm still fairly light on funds. Are burgers okay?"
"Yes," I said with a smile. "And I can pay for myself."
—
The next night, we sat at McGee's. I wasn't a heavy drinker, but the two of us shared a pitcher. He learned I was an only child; in addition to the sister he lost, he had a younger brother. He had smoked pot only once; I had several times, but not in over two years. He was out to his parents but had never taken a boyfriend home. I told him I had fucked my last boyfriend down the hall from my parents. He liked green peppers and mushrooms on pizza; I was fine with the mushrooms but would never come near black olives. He liked old classic rock: Rush, Styx, Aerosmith. I liked newer stuff: Coldplay, Florence + The Machine, OneRepublic. We found common ground with Bowie and Prince. We both loved the original Star Wars trilogy but hated all the prequels. He found baseball more interesting than football; I was the other way around. Neither of us had played in high school. He liked swimming to keep fit; I was more of a runner, not that I was running a lot. It was more of walking the campus.
I was having a good time.
First dates could be awkward, but this one wasn't. I found Logan easy to like.
"You were a great friend, but you were a lot more than just that."
"How long did we date?" Logan asked.
"Late January through mid-March."
"Hmm. I thought it was just a few weeks. It's cool that we remained friends though."
I stared at the ceiling. Logan had fallen asleep in my arms.
On that first date, he kissed me good night.
On the second date, we made out for several minutes.
On the third date, we gave each other blowjobs before his roommates got back.
On the fourth date, we slept together naked, with his roommates in the room. We touched each other, but there was no actual sex. His roommates were cool with it.
Tonight, we had my bedroom to ourselves until 11:30. One of my roommates, Alex, had gone home for the weekend. Tan had been willing to give us some time as long as he could bring his girlfriend back to the apartment. We were already "asleep" in the dark, when they stumbled in at 11:47. Her giggles told me she had enjoyed a few drinks.
The two of them stripped down to their underwear and climbed into bed. They cuddled for a minute. Tan went to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. They never asked if we were asleep. It was just assumed we were. Logan was, but I could hear them rustle around.
Their kissing was loud. Their whispers were inaudible at first. It was just whisps of words interspersed with kisses.
Soon the girl began to softly moan. Tan did too, and I could detect the rustle of movement under the sheets. I could make out enough in the all-but-nonexistent light that they weren't screwing, but I could tell there was a lot of groping going on.
"I love your boobs," Tan whispered.
"I've got nice boobs," she attempted to whisper back.
More kissing.
"I want that inside me," she whispered.
"Tomorrow."
They simmered down their alcohol-fueled intimacy.
After they both drifted off, I was still wide awake. Just as Tan heard the words, "I want that inside me," I had said the same thing to Logan.
We had fucked. It was good. Really good. I wasn't sure how I would feel after being forced to break off things with Cruz, but Logan made it comfortable.
I loved his dick inside me.
I didn't think I would feel this way again.
"It appears I am sort of in the middle of your list here," Logan said. "Do you have any strong memories of me ... or us ... as a couple?"
"Is it fair for me to turn the tables? What do you remember the most of our time together?"
"Wow. We're not here to talk about me, but that's a fair enough question." Logan jotted something on his pad — I hadn't even said anything!! — and then he looked up in reflection.
"I suppose I recall the first night we made love as very memorable and..."
"Does that mean when we sucked each other off or when we first fucked?"
"Interesting. Blowjobs are more sexual play ... to me. Anyway. Actual intercourse is `making love' to me. But that's just a matter of wordplay, I suppose. The first night I slept in your room and ... well, you know, it was really good."
"Sex with us was always really good, wasn't it?"
My cock slid all the way in him. As I pushed as deep as I could go, it occurred to me that my personal feelings were also deep. Sex was suddenly better because I felt what I did with Cruz. I allowed myself to love again. We had only been dating five weeks, but I was head over heels for Logan. I was happy. My heart was able to open up again. I was glad I learned that was possible. It was certainly too soon to tell Logan I loved him, but I figured out that I did.
He groaned. At first, I thought it was too loud. Mom and Dad weren't home, but I still didn't like being loud in the house. He spread his legs wider, and I leaned forward to seal my lips to his.
My throbbing erection moved in and out of him, and I noticed my tongue trying to match its rhythm.
Logan's hands roamed over my back. I loved how he caressed my body as my dick thrust in and out of his hole. I panted in my pleasure. He pulled me in for another quick kiss. As I pulled back, we smiled at each other; our eyes locked.
I could have told him then, but you never are supposed to say "I love you" during sex.
I pushed into him harder. He groaned again.
"Shh."
I heard voices outside. Jeez, did they hear him groan?
"Fuck me, Mitch. Fuck me fuck me fuck me."
My cock jackhammered inside him, and he grunted with each thrust. Logan grabbed my shoulders and held me steady as my hips pulsated into his inner region.
"Mmph... Ohhh ... Ungh ... Mmm ... Mmph." Logan softly grunted with my panting.
I loved pleasuring him. I loved pleasing him. I. Loved. Him.
He reached for his own cock and stroked it back to its full rigidity. I pushed. He pulled. We panted and groaned and breathed and moaned, but I didn't feel it was too loud.
"This feels so good, Log'," I moaned.
"Me too, babe."
Shoving harder into him, I could feel my climax build.
"I'm close."
"Hold out. Let me get there with you."
Hold out. Sure. Like I could tell my dick what to do.
I slowed my rhythm just a little in an attempt to delay my impending orgasm. Logan's treatment of his erection was criminal. It was so forceful; it was borderline abusive.
I had learned Logan's traits. His squeal indicated he had caught up to my level of pleasure.
"NOW, Mitchell. FUCK ME!"
Screaming? Really? We had just heard people out front.
But, hell, it felt good.
"Oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm coming, Mitch. Fuck me. Fuck the cum out of me."
I shoved my manhood so deep into him, I wondered if I had done exactly that. Thick white cum shot up his chest as he growled in the most masculine tone that I had ever heard a man bark during climax. It brought me off.
"GUUHHHH. Yes! Oh! UNGH! UNGH! FUCK!! Ungh. God. Fuck yes."
I fell to his side, stunned that I had been loud. Me! It was one of the most enjoyable orgasms I had experienced. Off the charts.
I exhaled. "That was amazing."
"I loved it."
"Logan, I love..." And I got afraid. "I ... love that we were able to do this. We probably have fifteen minutes or so to clean up."
He sighed. "Okaaaay. But can you just hold me for a little bit?"
I smiled. "Glad to."
When Logan rolled into my arms, I questioned how long I would wait to tell him.
"Yes, of course. I do remember the sex being really good."
"Me too. I think I allowed myself to get fairly loud with you at least once."
"That's not you?"
"It wasn't back then. Cooper finally brought it out of me."
He reached for his pen.
"Don't write that down, damn it!!"
Logan looked surprised. His look of shock became sheepish as he let go of the pen.
"Okay. Okay."
I thought this entry into the book might be awkward, but we were getting through it.
"Mitchell, I feel what we had could certainly be considered a relationship. What do you recall most about it?"
Sex be damned, I'm telling him tonight. Once we make love, I'm just going to tell him.
Logan looked slightly distracted over dinner. Perhaps me saying it would help lift his mood.
It was 9:46 when we were naked in his room. We had a good hour before roommates became an issue. We kissed a few minutes before I felt his grip on my cock. He began stroking me. I found his organ and did the same.
Logan turned his body to me. He wrapped his legs over mine; we sat facing each other. Each of us stroked the other's hard-on, but we used the other arm to squeeze us into a single sculpture. A single masturbating sculpture. Our tongues intertwined. As soon as we both came, I was going to tell him.
It was 9:57 when I knew I had leaked enough pre-cum to saturate his wrist. Logan didn't leak pre-cum. I couldn't remember any of my boyfriends that did.
I felt his hand pull my head into a more forceful kiss. It was 10:04 and our tongues dueled. Our fists were engaged in battle on the war field of penises. We were assaulting cocks, pounding dicks, just waiting for the ignition to cause the cum grenades to explode.
"Mitch," he panted.
"Logan," I panted. I was just minutes from telling him.
Logan came at 10:05.
I came at 10:06. I was one minute from telling him.
He flopped back on his bed, breathing deeply.
I leaned over him and licked through his cum, which had splatters of my own mixed in.
"That was nice. I liked it," I said. Once we were clean, I was going to tell him.
He reached for a hand towel, but his expression changed. I wiped my body as clean as I could from all male liquid, but my eyes were transfixed on his expression.
Finally, he buried his face in his hands.
"Logan. Babe. What's wrong?"
It was 10:09 when Logan broke up with me.
"Mitchell. I – I – I hate to do this, but I ... I think ... I think we should ... see other people."
My eyes saw the brightest light they had ever seen in their existence. I thought I might be permanently blind.
"What are you talking about??! We JUST had sex!!"
"I know. I know. And ... that was wrong. I'm sorry. I just think you are ... probably feeling things more deeply than I am, and I don't think it's a good idea to just ... string you along."
"I JUST licked your cum!!"
He buried his face in his hands again. "I know. I know. This is horrible of me."
"Why did you even have sex with me if you wanted to break up???"
"It was stupid. I figured, `One last time,' but now it seems so ... so wrong, like a bad idea."
"You think??!" I was still in shock. I was going to tell him I loved him — and now he's breaking up with me!!? "Did I do something wrong? What has changed?"
"Me. I wasn't wanting to be serious. I just sort of wanted things to be fun — and they were. But I think we are getting serious, and we are graduating in two months. This isn't a good idea. We don't even know where careers will take us."
"So ... you just give up on us," I mumbled.
"Don't think of it that way. I do care for you. I do. A lot. But ... I kind of think you feel more strongly. I don't want it to go further to where it may hurt."
"MAY hurt. Right."
"I'm sorry. I didn't handle this well at all. I like you, Mitchell, but I'm not sure if I am ready to like only you. Everything we've had is great and-"
"And you're just throwing it all away??"
"Do you just want a friends with benefits situation?"
I paused. "No."
"Right. And where I'm at right now, that's about all I can offer. I'm not ready to commit to a serious relationship weeks before college graduation. I'm sorry. I'm not."
It was 10:13, and I was getting dressed.
It was 10:14, and I shut the door gently behind me, not telling Logan I loved him.
"What I will always remember the most is the last night we were naked together."
"The night I called it quits?"
"Yes."
"I know I hurt you in the way I did it. I've apologized many times since then. I'm still sorry."
"It was the night I was going to tell you I was in love with you. I was mere minutes from telling you, `I love you.' That's what I will remember the most."
Logan went pale.
"What?"
"I was going to tell you I was in love with you."
"I didn't know."
"Deep down you did. You could tell I was getting more serious than you. You knew it wasn't right for you to keep me going when we weren't in the same place."
"I handled it all horribly. I knew that. I just ... I just didn't know ..."
Logan got up. He walked to me. His arms lifted me up. Logan hugged me.
"It isn't really professional to do this, but ... I'm sorry, Mitchell. I'm. Very. Sorry."
We let go.
"It was a long time ago."
"How on earth did you maintain our friendship? Why did you??"
"I didn't for a few weeks, remember? We didn't sit near each other in class until almost the end of the semester."
"When you came over that last week of class, I was so relieved. I knew I had hurt you. I – I – I just didn't realize how much. "
"I didn't want to end college on a grudge," I said.
"Why would you possibly want me to be your therapist?"
"Logan! We're friends! We have been for more than twelve years. That was long, long ago."
Logan looked in pain. I had never wanted him to know. It was just a matter of poor timing by fate.
"Thank you, Mitchell. Thank you for looking past all that."
"I actually learned some things those weeks."
Logan looked up. "Oh?"
"I learned I could love again. You know, after Cruz. I learned that for a relationship to work, both people had to be on the same page ... and after a few weeks, I accepted that you and I weren't. I was still mad as hell under the surface, but I knew you ended it before it went further. But ... yeah, mad as hell."
"I'm so sorry," he whispered.
"I saw you hurting that we weren't friends after that. I knew it was in my ability to fix it."
"Thank you," he breathed. "That was certainly big of you."
"Well, I also learned something else."
"What's that?"
"I stepped away from the love aspect and just fixated on the sex."
"Jeez, that's not what I would want for you."
"I know. I get that. But I was 22. I had been hurt by love. Twice. I just watched what other college students were doing. I just figured it was sex or nothing."
Logan groaned and ran his fingers through his hair. "No. No. No. I'm so sorry."
"Logan. It is twelve years later. I don't harbor any resentment. Really."
"But I just handled it so poorly."
"You mean like letting me lick up your cum one minute before you broke up?"
"Gahh! Yes. Ohhhhhhh. Mitchell, I don't think I should be your therapist. This isn't the way to go."
"But there's nothing new here. This is all old news. It's not my current issue. We were young. And if you must know, the next person in my book changed everything!"
Logan looked at me inquisitively.
* * * *
A post on the blog, timothylane414stories.blogspot.com is titled "Gut Punch." It relates to both this chapter and the recent chapter in A Bed, A Desk and My Unfortunate Soulmate.
Email me: timothylane414@gmail.com