Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 5
This chapter is a short one, but I hope you still find it interesting.
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5
"Then what?" Logan asked.
"After Vaughan?"
His glance moved toward my black journal.
"Oh. Well, I was kind of thrown by Vaughan and I just drifting. Heaven knows I wanted to fuck someone else. Everyone else, actually."
"Mitchell!"
"Young. College sophomore. Horny."
Logan gave me a glare. Had we not been close friends, I don't think he would have done that. This arrangement as therapist and patient between two friends wasn't ideal in every respect, but I still felt Logan was the best person to help me.
I glanced at the next page.
"Dominik. Part Portuguese/part American. Uncut. Five-and-a-half inches hard. Not sure soft. Hairy crotch. No pre-cum. Large balls, low hangers. Blind."
"You had sex with the blind guy??!"
"It was consensual!"
Logan put his pad down and leaned forward. I felt it was more of a keen interest than helping me with my situation.
"Talk to me."
"I think you remember Dominik at school."
"I didn't know him well, but yeah. I know who you are talking about. I saw him from time to time that year."
"Right. I had a Writing class with him. I was so impressed when I saw him taking notes and recording things. He seemed so independent. Of course, people would make sure he was seated safely and everything, but he didn't rely on others for help that much. I was inspired by him when I had the chance to observe."
"I never got a gay vibe off of him."
"Well..."
I didn't know how to proceed. It was an unusual situation. Dominik was unlike anyone else I had slept with, but not because he was blind.
"Mitchell?"
"He probably wasn't gay."
"But you slept with him?"
"Yeah."
Logan didn't say anything, but I could tell his mouth went "woah." He moved a touch closer. "Tell me everything."
Logan seemed fascinated with this entry into my black book. I didn't want to come off looking like a douche, but it wasn't my finest moment necessarily. Still, I didn't regret what we had done.
"It's ... an unusual situation."
"How?"
"Dominik would sometimes be with friends and sometimes be alone — I guess like most of us. When he was with others, I didn't pay much attention. He would eat with friends in the cafeteria. Once I noticed him eating alone. I don't know, it just struck me as kind of sad. I felt a little sorry for him. I'm sure he was fine, but ... seeing someone blind being alone didn't sit well with me. I asked if I could join him."
"Kind."
"I guess. I think he appreciated the company. There were only four weeks of school left before the summer break. I would sometimes sit next to him in class after I got to know him. I didn't eat dinner with him every night, but it was fairly often. I began to enjoy his company. He shared a lot about his culture. He had lived in America for about three years. He said he would eventually return to Portugal at some point. I loved hearing about the country he grew up in. At some point I asked him how gay people were treated over there. He said he didn't know a lot of the details but that since 2000, things had improved dramatically. That was kind of the way I came out to him."
"How did he respond?"
"Kindly. He had a few questions: How did I know? How was I treated in America? Had I ever been with a woman? After a few dinners, he was fairly comfortable talking to me about it."
"In all my experience, I don't think I ever thought about sexual things in relation to a physical handicap," Logan said, as he stared into inner-space.
"We had two weeks left. He and I studied for a final together. Then we had a few beers. I was bold enough to ask him what his sexual experience had been and if being blind interfered with it."
"Oh?"
"He was open about it. He had no sexual experience. In his opinion, people were either afraid to approach him in fear of feeling like they were taking advantage of him or afraid he wasn't `able to.' People were friendly with him, but he was never pursued romantically."
"How short-sighted of people."
"I suppose. But there is an element of uncertainty to be had there."
"But not for you?"
"Welllll." My gaze looked away. "Again, beer."
Logan's smirk rearranged into a smile. "Sooo...?"
"So anyway, Dominik and I were just talking. He had asked me a few questions about ... romance, sex, that kind of thing."
"Out of the blue?"
"Again, beer."
"I got bold and asked him — delicately — without sight, how he knew who he was attracted to."
"Meaning men or women?"
"I didn't get specific. No categories. Just ... attraction. He had been blind since birth, so he had never seen a real person. I think the beer had hit him more than me. He said he was drawn to people usually by their kindness. He never really had the opportunity to touch people in an intimate way. Usually just holding their shoulder for support or guidance. He asked me to describe people."
"Describe how?"
"First it was just appearance. People from our class. I didn't know all his friends, but I described them. He asked what made one person more attractive than another. It's kind of a tricky question when you get right down to it. The human race is rather superficial. I put myself in his shoes. The physical appearance of someone doesn't apply to him."
"That is interesting."
"I assumed he masturbated, so I asked if he thought about others when he did so."
"Was he open enough to talk about such things?"
"Fourth beer. He said when he jerked off it was basically the sensations. He did confide that he had found sounds of a man and woman having sex. It was erotic to him. He was hesitant to listen to it often as he never truly knew how alone he was."
"He had a roommate though."
"Yeah. A good friend. I don't think they ever did anything though. Dominik would have told me so."
"But you two did."
"We did. His roommate was heading home for the weekend to take a first load back. I don't remember who asked who, but in our drunken state, we arranged for me to spend that Friday night with him. Before his roommate came back, I helped clean up the beer bottles. I ran my hand up his arm. I could tell he liked the attention, you know, with the sense of touch."
"Anything happen right then?"
"I just asked if I could kiss him goodnight."
"And?"
"I did. He said he didn't really know how to kiss, but I led with my lips, and he got the idea."
"This is interesting."
"But it doesn't have anything to do with Cooper."
"It does have to do with you."
I thought. What did it say about me? Was I kind? Was I a creep? Was I a friend? Was I someone taking advantage of a drunk friend? It just seemed to happen organically in college. Given the chance to do it over, I don't think I would have changed anything. Dominik wanted it.
"So how did it go?"
"Okay. We had dinner. We didn't just jump into bed right away. We walked the campus. I was always impressed how well he could get around. The evening was beautiful. I had brought a small bag to his room. He had more beer in his fridge. We had a couple."
"Did he seem nervous?"
"No. If I had to choose a word, it would be eager."
Logan cocked his head and looked toward the ceiling, then nodded. His hand twirled indicating for me to continue.
"I asked him if he still wanted to ... try. He said he did. We kissed for a short time. He said it was nice. I started unbuttoning his shirt. He asked if he should be doing anything. I told him I would take the lead, but he was welcome to do anything he wanted."
"And did he?"
"Not much. Not at first. I let the back of my hand rub up against his crotch. His shorts weren't tented or anything, but there was some bulge there. He asked if it was okay for him to touch me. I encouraged him. His hand carefully touched my junk. I was completely hard."
"So am I," Logan said under his breath. It made me smile.
I unbuttoned his fly. The zipper went down. I did the same on my shorts. I asked him if he felt okay about getting naked. He agreed. Both of us tossed our clothes to the floor. He asked me what he should do. I guided his hand to my anatomy. Blind people have a different way of experiencing things through touch. I could tell. The way he felt my dick ... it was kind of like an examination. He'd feel mine, then he'd feel his. He asked if his cock looked okay."
Logan was hanging on my every word. I never thought of myself as a storyteller, but I liked recalling that night.
"I told him his dick was very nice. We spent a minute just feeling and groping each other. Then we resumed kissing. It was very tender, almost innocent. I asked him if he liked it. He told me it felt good. I think he liked my other hand just caressing his body even more. He seemed fascinated in the difference between a cut an uncut penis." I paused. "Should I spare you all this?"
"Keep going."
"As far as sex goes, it was probably my least exciting. You know, in a HOT kind of way. But it was sincere. As I kissed his neck and chest, I could hear his breathing increase. When I asked if he was enjoying it, he said he was. He told me his dick felt incredible. And I was just stroking it. After a few minutes, he had my cock throbbing. It was wanting to come. I just laid back and asked him to jerk me harder. He did and soon I was coming. He was fascinated in feeling my cum. He told me how it felt different than his."
"Seriously??"
"The sense of touch is essential for a blind person."
"I suppose."
"I cleaned myself off and then leaned over him. When I took his dick in my mouth, he called out my name. He started saying words. You know, wow, yes, that feels so good, ... that kind of thing. He had great balls, so I fondled them in my blowjob. His body was being rocked by sensations he wasn't accustomed to. I could tell by the way his hips were squirming that he was loving it. He told me he was close to coming, but I didn't want to take my mouth of his cock. I wanted him to have the full experience. He came. I swallowed."
"You seemed very comfortable telling me that."
"Isn't this a safe space?"
"It is. Excuse me." Logan stood up and turned his back to me. I could see his hands rearranging his crotch.
"I'm hard too."
"So how did Dominik feel about everything?"
"We held each other after we both came. I kissed him some more. When I asked him if he was okay with everything, he said, `It was nice,' but I felt he was holding something back. He turned on his side, and I held him. We fell asleep that way."
"Sweet."
"The next morning, I gently grazed my touch over his skin — his chest, his arms, his balls. He had morning wood and I softly touched it. We eventually said `Good morning' to each other. Dominik seemed quiet though. I finally asked if he was okay. He said he was, but he was worried about hurting my feelings. When I asked him to explain, he said he had enjoyed the previous night and he was grateful for me giving him a sexual experience, but the more he thought about everything, the more he felt he wanted to explore with women. But he made sure I knew he enjoyed everything. Despite him throwing me straight vibes, we still held each other. I asked him if I could give him one last kiss, and he agreed. Once I got up and dressed, we did very little after that. In that last week, I said hello a few times. Things weren't awkward or anything, but we didn't seem as close."
"Were you feeling rejected?"
"No. Not at all."
"But it was a rejection in a slight way. You weren't hurt?"
"No. I was fine with it."
"Hmm."
"To be honest, I didn't regret what we did at all. I felt I helped him find his path, if that makes sense. He didn't seem appalled at having intimacy with a man, but I think it helped him pinpoint his sexuality much easier. I mean, if you have never seen another person, how would you know?"
"Do you know if he ever dated a woman after that?"
"I don't. He didn't return the following year. I have no idea. I assume if he was given the opportunity, he might explore it. If I was a woman, I'd enjoy going out with him."
"interesting point of view. This is a side of you I haven't seen."
"How so?"
"Typically, with you, it's all about the sex. In this case, you really focused on Dominik as a person. His needs over your own."
"You think?"
"It's a nice side to you, Mitchell."
"That sounds like a compliment, but I'm not sure if it is. Am I a terrible person otherwise?"
"No. Of course not. If you were, I wouldn't have any interest in being friends with you."
"Again... that sounds like a compliment, but I'm not sure."
"Relax."
"I'm glad you shared this experience with me today. I feel like I know you better. It was interesting."
"I find that surprising. But ... at the same time, when I went home that summer, I bumped into Oran. He asked about college, and I told him about Dominik. He was fascinated."
"Did you guys ever hook back up?"
"Meaning Oran? Yeah. Twice that summer. We had shared how we had ... progressed ... since high school and-"
"Progressed?"
"We had both fucked."
"Oh."
"And we fucked each other. Once each way. Different nights."
"I see. How did you feel about it two years later?"
"Different. Back in high school, we were coming to terms with our curiosity. We both had entered the gay world at that point. There was more of a ... rawness to our sex those nights. But..."
"But?"
"It lacked any emotional connection. It was just sex. At the time I guess that is all the two of us wanted, you know? But there was still an emptiness to it on my end. It was ... nice. I guess."
"Was your attitude toward sex changing?"
"Hard to say. In all my earlier experiences, it seemed like I felt connected to the person. I liked them, I was attracted to them. I felt a deeper enjoyment because of that. That summer with Oran was just ... `Let's do it.' It felt good, of course, but maybe I was wanting more."
"It sounds like it. You were right around 20. All of us were still maturing at that time. Each stage of our educational journey has levels of growth. Elementary children learn to get along. Junior high kids struggle to fit in. High school kids learn to understand their own personality and well-being and sexuality. College is just the transition into adulthood and all that entails. Emotional needs are fairly pliable at that time. The maturity of an individual dictates a lot of their actions."
"Did you think I was mature in college?"
"I thought you were handsome."
"Aw."
"But ... sure. My roommate was a child. Drinking and girls and partying and girls. Pot. In all fairness, that was the stage he was at, so I don't fault him for who he was at the time, but ... yes, you appeared to be much more mature in comparison."
I chuckled.
Logan was making me look at myself in a new light.
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Email: timothylane414@gmail.com