Say Goodbye to Sparkleland

Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 29

This is the final chapter of Say Goodbye to Sparkleland. Thanks to all my readers who gave Mitch a chance and followed along with his story.

In the last chapter, L.B. ended it telling Mitchell they needed to talk.

29

Late May

"So, then he says, `We should talk about you moving in here.' In the middle of the night!"

"Okay, wait, Mitch. Go back," Emory said. "L.B. asked you to move in with him at 3 in the morning?"

"Kinda yes, kinda no."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"He said it had been on his mind all day after he saw me looking at my lease renewal on the counter. It was keeping him awake. He just told me we should think about it. When I get back there in a couple of hours, I think we are going to discuss it."

"Is that so bad?" Don asked.

Brad warmed our coffees. "What am I missing?"

"Mitch is moving in with L.B.," Larry said.

"Ooooo. Fun."

"Wait! We don't know that. That wasn't decided yet."

Brad pulled up a chair. He was all ears as well.

"Something's scaring you," Emory said. "What is it, kiddo?"

"I don't know. It's just ... sudden. I mean, we've only been together for barely four months. Doesn't it seem kind of soon?"

"How much do you love him?" Cooper asked.

"Crazy in love."

"Do you think that will change if you move in?"

"Nooo."

"Are you worried about not having space for you own stuff?"

"I don't give a damn about my ... stuff. It's just ... stuff."

"You've already talked about a vacation trip together and bringing him to Friendsgiving months from now. You seem to be in this long-term. You're committed to him, right?"

My lip quivered. "Yeaahh."

One tear went down my face. My other eye welled up and overflowed. Cooper's look changed to one of major concern.

"Mitch! Mitch, what is it?"

"I – I – I did all those things with you, Cooper." I bawled uncontrollably. "But then I fucked it up. I ruined everything. What if I do it with L.B.?! I'll be out on my own and won't have ... fucking, goddamn stuff to my name."

Brad handed me a napkin. I wiped my eyes. I kept crying. "I don't want mess it up," I sobbed. "I love him. I do! I love him. But ... we all know I'm an idiot."

Larry grabbed my hand. "No. You are not an idiot. You made a mistake in the past. But you aren't going backward; you're going forward."

"How do I know there isn't another you for L.B. to fall in love with?" I whimpered.

"No one knows what the future holds. Laramie and I didn't plan to fall in love. Sure, there are a million things that could happen. But you love him," Cooper said. I nodded. "He loves you. Talk to him today and see what he has to say. He might have questions and fears too."

"I suppose," I said, wiping my eyes for the final time. I blew my nose into the paper napkin.

"Let's look at pros and cons," Don said. "You both love each other."

"Right."

"What would be the advantages of moving in together?"

"Lots of things, I suppose. We'd both save more money. Probably considerable, actually. We'd see each other a little more. Our schedules are still so polar opposite, but ... bits here and there. I'd wake up in his arms every day. I'd be a dog dad. We could cook for each other."

"See. Are there any disadvantages? Any cons?"

I was quiet. I tried to think. I knew I only had one worry. "I'm afraid he will find out I'm not as good a person as he thinks I am. What if he decides he doesn't want me anymore? I'm not that special."

"Bullshit!" Cooper called out, not caring who heard him.

"But ... you don't cuss."

The rest of the table was rendered speechless.

"Mitch, you are special. I fell in love with you because of the many great qualities within you. Part of me will always love you. You need to believe you are worthy of being loved."

"That's what Logan always said."

"And maybe you should have another session with him to talk this out. But don't sell yourself short. Just because my trust was shattered doesn't mean you are doomed to not allow yourself to find the love you deserve."

"Agreed," said Don.

"If you both feel it is right, then do it," Larry said. "But you don't have to rush into it."

"I know. My lease is up at the end of June. If I sign again, it's at least another six months."

"Can you go month-to-month?" Emory asked.

"I can. It's a hundred more a month when you go that way at my complex. And they can raise it at any time without a lease."

"Talk things out with L.B. today. You two will figure it out. And make an appointment with Logan. It's going to be okay," Cooper said.

"There's one more pro we haven't mentioned," Don said.

"Oh?"

"Even if your darkest fears come true, you have a table full of people here who love you and will support you through anything."

I closed my eyes to keep from crying again. "Thanks, guys."

I sniffed one last time. I tried to breathe normally.

"I'm sorry. I'm not sure why all that just happened. It just sort of came out. I didn't mean to turn coffee into a Dr. Phil moment."

Brad stood up and leaned over to kiss my cheek. "I have a cream cheese Danish with your name on it."

The rest of our morning went fine. I was so glad Corey wasn't with us to see me fall apart.

Ninety minutes later, I quietly entered L.B.'s bedroom. He was still sleeping at 11. He probably tossed and turned for a while. Heaven knows I didn't fall back asleep immediately either after he sprang his thoughts on me.

I crawled up next to him and put my arm around him. His upper body was out of the sheet. He didn't wake up.

As I held him in his near-naked state, my hand slowly roamed over his chest. Carter still slept through my touch. I felt good about that; he had grown accustomed to me being next to him. We were a natural fit now. Our togetherness was the norm. How magnificent.

I loved touching him, feeling him, holding him. It was the simplest of things — nothing like the sexual ferocity we would sometimes create. But the love I felt in the simplest of things was what confirmed the depth of my love for L.B.

I closed my eyes. I pictured waking up to this every morning. If — IF! — I was to move in, would I miss anything about my apartment? It wasn't any bigger.

If I arranged a session with Logan, what would I even talk about? I didn't know why I felt apprehension. I just didn't want L.B. to figure out that I was just ... nothing.

But he loved me. He fell in love with me first. I loved him. Did anything else really matter? We were always good together. We had never had a fight or disagreement. We respected each other.

L.B. finally stirred after me holding him for close to twenty minutes. He turned in my arms to softly press his lips to mine.

"Morning, Sweetie."

"Morning, babe." I kissed him back. "Barely. We're not too far from noon."

"I know. I'll get up."

My hands held his back, feeling the intense warmth of his body as we faced each other. His hand rubbed the back of my shirt.

"Mmm. Can you take your shirt off?" he mumbled.

I smiled, leaned up and pulled the T-shirt over my head.

"Actually ... can you take everything off?" he followed. I saw him fling his underwear from the sheets.

"You want it now?"

"Not really. Maybe. But ... no. I kind of just want to hold you and touch you and feel you ... if that makes any sense."

"Sounds nice."

The two of us lay naked under the sheets. Our free hand slowly roamed each other's body, enjoying the feel of skin. Male skin in all its masculinity.

The tips of our noses touched. I turned my head and our lips locked. We kissed firmly but slowly for a long time.

"I love you," he whispered into his kiss.

"Me too."

His hand reached down to find a crowbar at my crotch. He held on to it. I did the same with his manhood.

"I'm kind of being an asshole here. I don't mean to be a tease, but ... despite what my dick is saying, I wasn't expecting to have sex right now."

I chuckled. "What's on your mind?"

"Well ... I brought it up in the middle of the night. Can we talk?"

"Okay."

"When I saw you look at that lease yesterday, my mind went down a rabbit hole. I immediately didn't want you to sign it. I tried to picture things the way they are now ... which are good."

"But?"

"I don't know. Even signing it for half a year made me ... I don't know. My brain was rejecting it. And ... and I was a real mess the rest of the day."

"Well, tell me your feelings."

"I love you, Mitch. And I know you love me. Four months seems too soon to move in. But I don't want to wait for ten either. You know my past, so ... there are no surprises for me to hide."

"And you know mine."

"Yeah. I so want you to move in with me. Bad. Real bad. ..."

"Is there a but?"

"It feels like there is, but I can't figure it out."

"Then maybe it is a sign that it is too soon."

Carter clutched me tight. "Noooo." Somehow his squeeze got tighter.

"Hey. I have concerns too."

He let me go. "You do? Like what?"

"Me. Knowing I could fuck it up. Then I'd be moving out ... probably not having much."

L.B.'s hypnotic eyes drew me in. "You won't mess it up. I know you won't."

It was my turn to embrace him tightly. "I love you very much. The day I do something to hurt you is the day that I will never forgive myself."

"Mitch! You're a human being. You're not Christ. I don't expect perfection from you."

"Please, don't. I am so far from being perfect."

His long stare almost made my eyes glow. "What if you simply are perfect for me."

I kissed him. 

"If Logan can see both of us, would you be willing to go in and see if he can talk us through any hesitations we might have??"

"I suppose.  I've never been to a ..."

"Therapist?"

"Yeah. I wasn't sure what the right word was. Kind of scary though. We could go in to talk about moving in together, and then he could find all sorts of my emotional sludge to unbury."

"Well, we have a goal in mind. Plus, I think you are pretty much in control of your life."

"Now perhaps. I still get the shivers when I think of mistakes I made in my past."

"I think that's normal."

L.B. looked down at our close bodies below the sheet. "I think you are holding on to what else is normal."

"So, you do want it now."

"I want you ALL the time, Sweetie. Is ... is that okay?"

"Is sex with you okay??? Yeah. I think I can force myself. At least certain stuff."

"Right. Sucking now. Fucking later??"

"A perfect Sunday."

Carter's head slipped below the sheets and my cock was consumed.

—

I had thought about our living situation for the past four days. Logan thankfully had an opening early Thursday afternoon. L.B. was going to join me for lunch, and then we would be Logan's first appointment following.

Cooper stopped into my office. "Want to do lunch today?"

"Actually, I have a date already."

"Oh."

Three seconds later, L.B. stepped in behind him. "Oh. Sorry to interrupt. The receptionist said you were free."

"Hi, L.B.," Cooper said. "Mitch and I weren't discussing anything important. It's nice to see you."

"Uh ... and you too."

"L.B. and I are going out to lunch," I said.

"Would you like to join us?" Carter sheepishly asked, although I knew he didn't want Cooper to say  "yes."

"Oh no. I won't intrude. Although I'd enjoy spending some time with you one day in the future," Cooper kindly responded.

After a lunch at J.G.'s, we sat in the waiting room in Logan's office.

"Dr. Horwood will see you now."

"Do I have to call him that here?" L.B. whispered to me.

"No."

"Carter. How nice to see you. Come in, come in."

""Thank you ... uh ... Doctor ... sir."

Logan smiled. "You can still call me Logan. You two get comfortable."

Within a few minutes, we summarized the lease situation.

"Okay. We all agree this office is a safe space to work things out. Let's see if we can get to the bottom of the doubts." He turned to L.B. "Carter, if Mitch moved in, what is the best part of that scenario in your mind?"

"Well, I love the man of course," my boyfriend said without hesitation. "Knowing he would be there when I came home every night would be ... it would make me incredibly happy."

"And you, Mitch?"

"Kind of the same. It would be more time for us to be together."

"I'm glad both of you mentioned love first. If money had been the primary advantage, I may have recommended putting on the brakes."

"Four months is pretty fast though, don't you think?" I asked.

"It could be. But I'm not sure the newness of the relationship is what is holding you back. I can't speak for you Carter, but Mitch has all but glowed through the phone talking about you."

"He has?"

"I have?"

"Yes! I have been thrilled that you have found love again. And I know it is deep love."

L.B. looked at the floor, but I could tell he was smiling.

"Let's dig some more. Carter, Mitch would come with things of his own. How would that make you feel ... him moving some of his stuff into your house?"

"I wouldn't care. I think we could work it out."

"Let's talk money. It would be a savings for both of you, I assume. Have you talked things out financially? Mitch, Carter owns the house, but you'd be paying for part of the mortgage. How does that make you feel?"

"Well, as you say, it would be less than my apartment on my own, so... I'd be better off. As far as L.B. owning the house ..."

"And that just may be temporary," L.B. inserted.

"What do you mean?" we both asked.

"Well ... assuming we stay great after living together ... maybe you and I can both buy ... or build ... a house together. One day."

"Oh." I stared into the blank space. "You'd give up your house?"

"To have a new one with you? A bigger one? In a heartbeat."

"Good, good. Let's continue to go with that." Logan turned to me. "How does home ownership make you feel, Mitch? Does the responsibility of all that scare you?"

I didn't feel like I had thought it through enough to answer. "Not ... really. I mean, I was looking forward to living with Cooper in his house. I suppose I expected I would be doing part of the necessary responsibilities. So ... no, that doesn't scare me."

"What does?" Logan asked.

"Huh?"

"When Carter started talking about you moving in, what scared you?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes. You do."

"But ..."

"The movers have arrived. Your stuff is being brought in. It's happening. What scares you?"

"That ... that L.B. eventually thinks it is a mistake. That ... I am a mistake."

"Why would I ever think that?" L.B. said, confused.

"Because I don't know why you fell for me in the first place. I cheated on Cooper. I - I - I worry that ... THAT ... will hit you one day ... and-and-and you won't trust me either. You'll realize that I'm not what you thought I was."

"I know exactly who you are. I love who you are. We've both bared our pasts. We don't have surprises."

"What about you, Carter?" Logan asked. "What scares you? Mitch's stuff is being moved in. He's there in your house. It's happening."

"Well, I'll be happy ..."

"But something scares you. What?"

"I don't know."

"You love him. You want him there. He's there. What's wrong?"

"I ... I - I won't be there."

"What do you mean?" Logan asked.

"We work different schedules. We won't see each other much on days we work. I - I - I'm scared that he will realize we aren't a good fit after all."

"But our schedules are that now. That won't change. They are what they are right now, and we're making it work," I said.

"We are. But it's ... limited. When you move in, it's ... commitment. It's real ... and I won't be there."

"Not all the time, but it is your home. We can make it our home. I know all this going into it."

"Maybe."

"I have an idea. Let me bounce it off you," Logan said. "Mitch, when do you have to sign your new lease?"

"Well, I suppose I have up to the last day of next month, but they will start to pressure me if I hold off. They will want to lease it to someone else."

"Screw them. How would you feel about this? Why not try it for the first two weeks of June? If it seems good, then you have a better feel for it. If there are red flags, then maybe they will come up. You can address them or realize it might not be the best idea. Maybe not for now, at least."

We looked at each other. Our telepathic stare agreed it sounded like a good idea. Eventually we smiled.

"A two-week trial?" I asked.

L.B. nodded.

"Before we wrap this up, let's talk about other things that could be roadblocks: holidays, bills, household chores, family, etc." Logan continued.

Carter answered, "Well, I'm not close to my family, so that isn't an issue. He can have the holidays. And I like his family."

"I'll certainly pitch in on the bills and chores and all that. I have to do that now. Well, not yardwork, but ... all the indoor stuff," I said.

"Moving forward, are you both on the same page ... relationship-wise? Is it monogamous? An open relationship? Don't ask, don't tell?"

"Dude!" L.B. barked.

"Good grief, Logan," I scolded.

"I'm not implying anything here. But it is good to know going into something long-term how you both feel."

L.B. looked at me. "I just want him. Mitch is all I need."

"I feel the same. I'm in love with L.B. and he is enough."

"Will you continue to feel this way in a year, or three years or ten years?"

"Yes," we both said.

"But if ... Mitch ever wants to ... explore something ... I think we could talk it out."

"Only if we both want the same thing," I said. "I never want to hurt you."

"You won't."

Logan's eyes met mine. He didn't have to say anything. I hurt Cooper, and he was the love of my life. Logan knew that, but he didn't speak those words aloud.

"I promise I won't."

—

Late June

"This is the last box from the trunk," Cooper said. He and Larry had brought over a carload. "Why didn't you just have the movers bring them?"

"I was trying to keep them to two hours. I figured I could do the little stuff. I have a few days before I have to be completely out."

"We're glad to help," Larry said.

L.B. brought in some iced tea. "We appreciate you guys."

"I'm just happy for you two. I always knew that there was someone out there Mitch was supposed to find. I'm glad he did. I'm glad it was you, L.B."

My partner stared at my ex. I knew there would always be a hint of jealousy, but L.B. accepted Cooper as a friend. I could tell he appreciated the compliment.

"Thank you."

"The last three weeks of me living here have been great," I said. "We feel good about it."

"Yes, we do," my lover agreed.

"I just realized something," I said, looking at L.B. "Just a minute ago, I didn't think of you as my boyfriend. I thought of you as my partner. Are you okay with that?"

Carter's eyes bored into my soul. "More than just okay, I love it. Absolutely."

Our friends smiled at us.

—

I felt L.B. move next to me. I looked at the clock. 2:55 a.m.

"Well, it's after midnight," he said. "When you get up, you are officially moved out of your apartment."

"I know. I'm home. I'm in our bed. I'm in our home."

"Yeah." He kissed me.

"How was work?"

"Busy. A good money night."

"So, I'm sleeping with a rich man, huh?"

"Let's not go overboard. This month has been good though."

"And now I'll be paying on the mortgage too."

"I really need to thank Layton. REALLY thank Layton."

"Why him?"

"If you didn't take him to that Christmas party and then start dating him, I don't know if we would have gone out. I was just jealous. I finally wanted my chance."

"I'm glad you took it, babe. My life is so much better because you're in it."

I was half asleep, but our tender words caused us to make out for several minutes. That in turn affected our anatomy.

We groped each other's body. My hands roamed his chest. I felt the chest hair and nipples. I reached down to grope his cock.

Wait. Something wasn't right. I lunged for the lamp and turned on the light.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Your nipple piercing. It's gone."

"Yeah. I removed it yesterday. You just haven't noticed."

"Why??!"

"You never liked it. I just took it out."

"No! No. No no no no. Don't do that! You don't have to change anything for me. Baby, please don't do that. I would never expect that of you. Noooo..."

"Sweetie, it meant nothing to me. You didn't care for it, so I just got rid of it."

"But I don't want you to change for me."

"Then think of it as me changing something for myself."

"But..."

"Mitchell, I did that during a time in my life when I was reckless. Looking back, I don't like those times at all. It was just ... on me. It's not like it was something I thought was cool. I didn't really like it that much either. I am glad to do something that can make you feel better about us."

I nuzzled the top of my head into his neck. "But I don't want you to change for me. I like you as you are," I whimpered.

"Think of it as a sign of my love for you. It's our fresh start."

I raised my head and looked at him. Our eyes — our magical eyes — said everything. Love. Commitment. Sacrifice. Hope. Desire.

"I love you," I whispered.

He didn't say anything. "Fuck me," his eyes told me. My gaze agreed.

Three minutes later: "Ohhhh yeah, Mitchell. You feel so good inside me."

Five minute later: "God yeah! Fuck me just like that. Harder, man."

Seven minutes later: "Goddamn, you feel so good inside me, Sweetie. Fuck my hole!"

Nine minutes later: "That's it! Come inside me, Mitch. Come in our bed. Come in our home!"

I screamed as if being poured on with scalding water. I unloaded into my partner. He jerked his cock, as my own penis was challenged to stay rigid inside him. He groaned as I continued to thrust, and he continued to pull.

"Kiss me, Mitchell."

His orgasm sent a groan from his body down my throat into my own belly. I Pulled my dick from him to smear his cum between our chests, letting my weight cover him.

"I love our home, babe," I panted into his ear. "I love you."

July

"Look at me," I said.

L.B. turned my direction. I couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses, but I felt he was looking at me. I took his picture.

"You look sexy on the beach," I said.

"I've always wanted to come to Saugatuck," he said.

"Well, I'm sure we are paying for peak season, but ... who the hell cares. We both needed a vacation."

We did. Neither of us had enjoyed a weeklong vacation in a long time. It was our first together. We were only staying in town for four days, but with half a day's drive each way, we still had a day to explore downtown Chicago. Carter wanted to show me the more cultural stuff and less the gay bars he used to haunt in his younger days.

We hadn't lived together for quite two months yet, but things were going swimmingly. Our inverted schedules were never going to be ideal, but we found the short moments we could spend each day to be monumentally important. We made sure to never let anything conflict with them. Saturday afternoon and Sunday were dedicated to each other, even if it was doing housework together.

I enjoyed listening to him telling me about his volunteer work: the hospital, the kids, the food bank, the veterans. Carter was a kind person. I almost felt like he gave up too much of his time for others, but I knew it made him feel good.

"I texted that picture to the coffee group."

"I'm shirtless!" he scolded.

"So, let them be jealous."

I held up the phone and took a selfie with both of us. It was a perfect weather day. A tone indicated a text came in.

"Ha. Corey replied with a thumbs up emoji. Now he's sent a picture of him and Fletcher."

"It was sweet of him to take care of Fletch while we are gone."

"He's such a great kid."

"I don't know him as well as you do, but ... yeah, he is. Cooper has done a good job with him."

"Natalie too. He's so mature in my opinion."

"Would you have liked having a kid around if you and Cooper had worked things out?"

"I didn't ever have him around ALL the time, so I'm not sure I can accurately answer. But ... yeah, there was something about a kid being accepting of all the gay day-to-day stuff that made Corey easy to love. I would have loved having him in my life in a more prominent role. I guess. I'm never going to know for sure."

"You'd be a good dad, Mitchell."

"Why on earth would you say that?"

"Your ability to love."

"Which is matched by yours," I said.

We kissed. It was cool that Saugatuck was a place where no one cared if two men were kissing next to them.

I leaned back in the beach chair next to his.

"Is it weird for your body to be on my time?"

"A little. It's harder for me to go to sleep as early as you, but it's all good. I've loved our days together."

"Our nights have been pretty awesome too," I said with a mischievous grin.

"Behave," my partner said.

I sent the selfie picture that showed the two of us to Logan. My message was: "I'm supremely happy. I feel worthy of being loved. L.B. is amazing."

He replied with a red heart emoji.

August

Cruz and Carlos were on our doorstep. We all made introductions. I didn't know Carlos at all, and Cruz didn't know Carter either, other than the things I had conveyed over the phone.

L.B. grilled burgers for a late lunch. Our visitors understood that he would have to work tonight, but I was "permitted" to be a customer as long as I was with our company.

At around 7, we went to Parma Sean's for pizza. It had been a college mainstay in town since the 1980s. Cruz was delighted to get back.

It was a hot night, so I drove them around Jackson Bend. Cruz commented on how much had changed since we were both at W. Travis. I guess it was gradual enough that I didn't really notice. I had so few acquaintances following college that stayed in town. Logan was my only friend from those years who was still local. At least the only one I stayed in touch with.

Carlos was mildly interested in the campus. We took a stroll, but the air seemed thick. By the time I got back to the car, we were clammy, and I suggested ice cream. We stopped in at Caramel Moo.

We got to The Black Stallion just before 10. The late-night crowd hadn't arrived, but it was far from dead. We managed to get a table in the back room, but L.B. was up front. He saw us come in. Curiously, Layton was in the back, which was strange as he and Carter always worked together.

"Why are you back here?" I asked.

Layton planted a kiss on my lips. "It is so good to see you."

It took a moment for me to explain that Layton was Carter's best friend and that we had dated previously. I still didn't think it was right that he would just feel comfortable enough to kiss me, but it didn't bother L.B., so it didn't bother me.

"God, I've missed seeing you. I hate that your dick of a boyfriend keeps you captive at your house," Layton said.

"You know his stance on dating customers."

"You're living together!! You're not dating."

"I know. And I do miss you too."

"Anyway, Iron Maverick is playing back here tonight. I asked to trade. I LOVE them."

We ordered drinks. Carter managed to zip back to our table for only a minute. We shared a quick kiss. He told me he had just gotten a killer tip from a rich businessman in town. We congratulated him on his success. Then he had to return up front.

Layton brought our drinks. The bar had gotten busy enough that we knew we would have to go to the counter from here on out.

"How are things with your family?" I asked Cruz.

"Meh."

"Still not supportive, huh?"

"We've at least gotten to accepting. Supportive or happy for me ... that's lightyears away."

"Carlos? What is your family like?"

"I lost my father in high school. Work accident. It was horrible."

"I'm sorry."

"He never knew I was gay though. I told my mother in college. She said she loved me no matter what. Deep down, I know she wanted grandchildren."

"Are you an only child?"

"No. I have a younger brother and an even younger sister. She has since had a child, so my mother is happy about that. It's not the family name, but she is content."

"And your brother?"

"Dear lord. We don't want him to have any kids. He's a loser. Can't keep a job. Moves in with Mom until he can't stand it. It's a revolving door with him. If nothing else, he makes me look good."

"Maybe he'll turn it around. Carter did."

They both looked at me.

"Oh?" Cruz finally said.

"Ah. I mean, he didn't get along with his dad. He left Jackson Bend for Chicago. Did a deep dive into the gay life. Took some reckless risks from what I understand. I don't know if I would term it `rock bottom,' but he hit a low to where he knew his life wasn't what he wanted it to be. Moved back here, and now he is amazing."

"Why amazing, if I may ask?" Carlos inquired.

"To look at him, he has a very tough persona here at the bar. But now that I know him, he is so giving. He volunteers so much time ... with kids, with veterans, at the hospital, at the food bank."

"Jesus," said Carlos.

"And he's so loving with Fletcher."

"And you," said Cruz.

"Definitely."

"I think his wall of music is astonishing," Carlos said. "Total envy on my part."

"We've hinted at eventually getting a bigger house. I'd hate for him to lose that."

"Why lose it? Just recreate it in a new home," Cruz said.

"I suppose." I looked at both of them. "Do you like being homeowners?"

"Mostly. Sometimes it sucks when something needs repaired," Cruz said. "Thankfully, Carlos takes care of the yard. He's wonderful with that."

Carlos shared some pictures of the landscaping around their house.

"Nice. Looks like a bigger house than ours. I'm sorry that the guest room isn't that big."

"It's fine. Don't worry."

"Do you all want to build a house or buy an established one?"

"We haven't discussed it in-depth that much. For all intents and purposes, we're still kind of new. First, I had to move in. Now, after a couple of months, we know we work. We might think about it more soon. I'm fine just being with him. I love him. We're good together, even with the wacky schedule differences. I guess it would be nice for each of us to have more free space."

"We love having an extra room just for whatever we want. We have a guest room and a study, so ... it's gone through a few things. It started as just storage. Then it became a library. Then a second office. We have a cot, so it can hold one guest — if they are young. But just doing what we want with it is great."

I pondered about a big house. I never longed for a man cave, but having a room of my own to do whatever I wanted would be wonderful. Carter could have his music and other things in his own room. Maybe one day. Right now, it was probably not a good idea to get too far ahead of ourselves.

The night was fun. We liked Layton's band and the three of us took turns dancing, while the third kept guard of the table. It made me wish that Carter and I would have more opportunities to dance together.

—

The next afternoon, Carlos and Cruz showed us pictures from their Barcelona trip two months prior.

"I've never been out of the country," L.B. said.

"We have our whole lives ahead of us," I said. "We'll get to lots of places."

L.B.'s eyes telepathically told me: "I love how you see us being together forever."

My eyes replied: "Because I do."

September

"Hi Sweetie. You asked me to call when I could grab a break. We just finished up happy hour. What's up?" L.B. asked.

"Emory had a stroke."

It was silent on the other end.

"Oh wow. Man. Fuck." Carter didn't know Emory as well as I did, but they had been together a handful of times. "How is he?"

"I don't know. Don just took him in today. We'll find out more information in the morning."

"I see. Are you going to see him?"

"Tomorrow. Will you go with me?"

"Of course."

"Thanks. I think Cooper, Larry and Corey are going in the morning. We'll stop by after lunch."

"Sure. I'm sorry this happened."

"We all are. It ... I don't do well in these kinds of things. It unnerves me."

"That's understandable. I get it."

After we finished the call, I went out to buy a card. The florist shops were closed, but I'd pick up something in the morning. Hopefully Emory wouldn't make fun of me for buying him flowers. He could be grumpy, but it was always in fun.

—

I didn't hear L.B. come home, but I became aware of his presence. Over time, my body had learned to react to him coming to bed. We usually talked for a few minutes, and then I would fall back asleep. This was different; I reached to hold him tight.

We didn't say anything. We just held each other. I felt very fragile, but in L.B.'s arms, I found strength in the two of us being together. I didn't like feeling vulnerable. As if knowing exactly what I needed, L.B. squeezed me tighter.

It took me a while to fall back asleep, but when I did, his arm was around me as I spooned into his chest.

—

It was a lot for flowers. But I didn't care. My coffee group was a second family. I thought the flowers were magnificent. A lavender glass cube vase held an array of purple flowers. I didn't even know what most of them were, so I asked, just in case anyone might be interested. I knew I would never remember lavender waxflower, purple statice or lavender cushion spray chrysanthemums, but I would remember purple roses. I loved it so much, I didn't hesitate.

When Carter awakened, he enthusiastically approved of my purchase.

I wasn't hungry and only felt like simple soup.

Jackson Bend Memorial was twelve minutes from the house.

"I have never liked hospitals," I said, as we began our walk down Emory's hall.

"Me neither. Most of the times for me, it was just before sad occasions. I don't like the hospital smell either."

We got to Emory's room. I knocked on the door frame to let them know we were there. Don welcomed us in.

Emory lit up to see both of us. As he talked, I could tell the difference in his speech. I tried my hardest to not show a reaction to it, but I imagined I failed at doing so. It unsettled me. I took a deep breath to get my act together.

Carter sat on the edge of his bed. "So, how do you feel?"

"Tired. But I imagine it is from being here. I'm okay."

"The good news is that with therapy, he should regain most of his movement," Don said. "Plus, it is his left side, so we feel he should be able to drive. Not right away, but eventually."

I tried not to look at his left arm, but it was like driving past a car wreck on the other side of the highway. I could tell he struggled to move it the way he wanted.

"These flowers are stunning," Don said. "Truly exquisite."

"I told Corey this morning that people are probably surprised to know I like flowers," Emory said, with his lip slightly drooping.

I looked at the other bouquet on the table. I recognized Corey's handwriting on the envelope.

I realized my heart was beating faster as I thought about being in a hospital room. My parents would have to come in and make decisions for me. L.B. and I weren't married. There wasn't anything legal. I couldn't picture a situation where my parents and Carter would be at odds in determining my care, but ... what if it did?

Don and Emory weren't married. Don probably couldn't make decisions for Emory. Or could he? I didn't know? My heart beat faster. How did all this legal stuff work anyway?

Emory always spoke of his disinterest in being married, but ... now I wanted the two of them to be legal! Carter and I had never discussed it. Way too soon! But he had never expressed the slightest interest in marriage. My heart was pounding. What if I was in that bed??

Then Emory used his good arm to find my hand. "You okay?"

It snapped me back.

"I – I – kind of went down a ... never mind." I took a deep breath. I turned to my friend. "Have I ever told you I love you, Emory?"

He looked at me intently and smiled.

"Maybe not in those words, but perhaps in your actions each Sunday."

"I'm sorry I have never told you that. And you, Don. Please do know that I love you both."

They both thanked me.

Emory held my hand tightly.

"You know, Mitch, when Cooper and I started having coffee, he was wrestling with ..."

"I know." Emory didn't want to say out loud that I had cheated on Cooper. I saved him from voicing that.

"Cooper was struggling and-"

"And thank you for being there for him."

"My point is, my first impression — without even meeting you — was that I didn't like you. And you two tried to work it out. I met you and thought you were nice enough. But ... and I hope you won't take this the wrong way ... when Cooper and Laramie got together, I felt bad for you."

"It's what I deserved," I softly said.

"But I learned to like you enough. And since you returned to our group this year, I've learned to like you for the good person you are. So please know that I love you too. You are a part of what is now my family."

I managed a smile. I leaned down to kiss his forehead.

My heart was calm.

Brad came in. He hugged me and said hello to L.B. He immediately leaned down to hug Emory. Brad's emotions are on his sleeve. His tender affection was clearly conveyed. He stood and did the same for Don.

I didn't know if Emory had any remaining relatives or not. I agreed that our coffee group was family.

I glanced at L.B. standing to the side. He wasn't close with his parents at all. Did he have a sense of family? I felt the two of us were one. Were the bar coworkers a sort of family? Or were they just work friends? It's funny how all the volunteer work found its place in his life when other things were missing.

Mid-October

I hung up my phone. "Well, that was interesting."

"Who was it?"

"Seager."

L.B. reflected a moment. "Was that one of those guys out in the country where we watched the sky?"

"Yes. His partner is Arlo."

"And ...?"

"They are throwing a Halloween party of sorts."

"A costume party?"

"No. The instruction is to wear black."

"Interesting." He looked at a calendar. "Yeah. I thought so. I'll be working that night."

"I told them that. Seager actually said they would arrange it around a night we both could make it."

"Wow. That's nice. I assume you want to go then."

"Sure. Why not. We don't have to stay long if we aren't enjoying it."

"I liked their country place."

I texted back to Arlo's number. They said they would send details later in the week.

"That was nice of them to think of my schedule," L.B. said. "I figured most people would prefer a Friday or Saturday night."

"If the guests are gay ... which they probably will be ... we aren't as stiff as 'most people.' Besides, they didn't say it would be late. They just didn't want to do it on Halloween night in case people had plans with family."

"I've always liked working Halloween. It's a fun night," L.B. said.

"Do you dress up?"

"Minimally."

"What's something you've gone as?"

"Shirtless coach, shirtless Thor, shirtless vampire..."

I laughed. "Well, it is a gay bar."

"I've got black long sleeve shirts and a black T-shirt. What would you suggest?"

"I am sure both are fine. At least from what I can tell. You're sexy in everything."

L.B. stepped over to kiss me to thank me for my compliment.

—

By mid-week, Seager had texted it would be the Sunday before Halloween, arrive at 7, wear black and food and drink provided. He said to expect about a dozen people.

It sounded fun.

Both Arlo and I had changed since those years so long ago. That magical night that he made me see sparks was long gone. We both had found the right person.

I blew across the top of my coffee. L.B. lumbered out of the bedroom. When he was aware of me being up, he tried to spend a little time with me before I left for work.

"M'ning," he mumbled, kissing the top of my head, and then poured himself a glass of juice.

Seeing him in just his underwear always made me happy. I felt lucky to be partnered with someone so sexy. I really had found the right person. That night with Arlo so many years ago made me chase something of no true consequence. It was the reason for my downfall with Cooper. For so long, I thought Cooper was my soulmate. Now, I knew Cooper was a stop in my journey. We could have been happy together, but we were happier with the people we had eventually found.

"You seem deep in thought," L.B. observed.

"Just thinking."

"About?"

"Thinking about how happy I am that I found you."

"You were not!"

"Seriously. I was."

"No way."

"L.B., you have made me incredibly happy. Truly."

"Well ... if we are saying such sticky sweet things, I was wondering if ... how would you feel about getting a bigger house?"

My eyebrows raised. It had the sound of us beginning to talk seriously.

"I'm open to it. This one is enough though."

"Yeah ... enough. But I kind of want more. Equal ownership. Larger rooms. A big guest room."

"We've had guests one time."

"I know. I felt bad that Cruz and his partner had to squeeze into that small room. I was sort of embarrassed."

"They had a great time."

"Yeah. But ... Mitch, we're happy. I don't think a bigger house will mess that up. I just think it will make us better."

"How so?"

"We can get some of the things stored at your parents' place. We can design it the way we want. A bigger kitchen. Perhaps we can entertain more."

"You work nights."

"Perhaps we can entertain more on Sundays."

I laughed.

"Okay, babe. I'm open to it."

—

After starting to look for places to build, our first attempts were unsatisfactory. Lack of trees, too many young families, cookie-cutter home layouts — we didn't rule them out entirely, but we weren't blown away by any means.

"Is there a reason you don't want to buy a house already built?" I asked, as L.B. began our drive to Arlo's and Seager's house.

"I want it to be ... us. Exactly what we want. Designed the way we want."

"We haven't even really discussed that in detail. What do we want?"

"True. What is important to you?" he asked.

"I want a nice guest room for company. I want you to have your own office/music room. I'd like a small study."

"Sounds good."

"And this sounds a little silly, but I want a Christmas tree window."

"A what?"

"A Christmas tree window. I love it when I drive down streets in December and see people's trees in the windows of their home."

"Aw. I like that. That isn't silly. It's exactly why I want us to have a bigger place. I want the little things to be there to make us happy."

"Do you put up a tree?" I asked.

"No. I've hung a wreath on the door."

"Last year, I kind of got into it. With Cooper, we always thought about Corey. When I was on my own, it just felt ... bleh. Then last year, I kind of dove into it. We're doing a Christmas card, by the way."

"I liked the one you sent last December."

"Good. We'll need to take a Christmas picture."

A gust of wind blew the vehicle. 

"It's breezy. You don't think anything is planned for outside, do you?" he asked.

"I wouldn't think so, but I really don't know."

We passed the small road where we turned off to make love under the Northern Lights. 

"That's where-" I started.

"Yeah."

"And we-"

"Yeah."

"And it was pretty-"

"Yeah. Amazing."

L.B. reached for my hand and held it for the remainder of the drive.

When we arrived, there were three other cars. We could tell our hosts had theirs put away in the garage.

We were introduced to Hank, who was dressed like a biker in black leather. We didn't know if it was a costume or "black" apparel that he owned. It fit his burly demeanor.

Brenda and Raul were a straight couple with whom Seager worked.

"We're the token straight couple," Raul said, shaking our hands.

"Stop that," Seager barked. "I'm glad you're here. Lisa is coming too."

Toby and Nolan were clearly gay. There was no question.

Before too long, others arrived. Lisa was the other straight person and seemed to hit on everyone. She wasn't oblivious; we were told she just found gay men hot. Dwayne was a single gay man whom I found very nice, but he wasn't my "type." No facial hair and a very "dad" body. He was a good conversationalist, and I enjoyed his company. Surprisingly, L.B. knew someone named Isaac as a customer from The Black Stallion. They were delighted to see each other. Caven and Jon were an interesting pair. Caven was completely butch, and Jon was ... domestic. It made me realize that L.B. and I didn't fit any typical stereotypes; we both were just ourselves. Neither flamboyant nor overtly macho, we were ... us.

Seager and Arlo had a cauldron filled with ice. There were several beers and other alcoholic beverages. A few bottled waters were in there too. I felt that was a nice touch for anyone who didn't want to drink. I thought of Cooper.

It was funny how my thoughts of Cooper had changed. It was no longer a gut punch to think about him. I still had sadness; I still had regret. But our renewed friendship made for pleasant thoughts. I actually liked seeing him and Larry together. The sting of losing him would still be there, and part of my heart held on to the feelings of love we once shared, but we were ... good. That made me happy.

The final guest, a handsome knockout named Kai, arrived. Even L.B. went "whoa."

"I'll say," I added.

Lisa was on her second beer. I noticed her being a little flirty with Kai. I was confident Kai was gay, but perhaps she sensed something else.

Arlo let us know that there was plenty of food. Porcelain platters shaped like caskets had chips, bacon-wrapped meatballs on toothpicks and some veggies. A plastic dish in the shape of a tombstone had crackers topped with chicken salad.

"Arlo, is Kai gay or straight?" I asked.

"Straight? Hell no. Heaven knows we have fucked that man on numerous occasions."

"Ah. I just thought Lisa was flirting with him."

"Lisa flirts with everybody. She finds gay men totally hot. If she can get one to show her attention, she feels she has medaled in the Olympics."

"And does she?"

"Sometimes. When alcohol is involved, ... well, you never know."

"Have ... you and Lisa?"

"You never know."

That floored me. I knew Arlo didn't like labels ... and clearly, he and Seager enjoyed a certain amount of openness to their relationship. Interesting.

Either Kai wasn't interested or didn't have enough alcohol, because he wasn't falling for Lisa's gentle touches on his shoulder and chest. When her fingernails teased his chest hair, he finally excused himself.

We were enjoying ourselves. Both L.B. and I felt very comfortable visiting with everyone in attendance, whether they were gay or straight. I loved that we found ourselves arm-in-arm on numerous occasions. The two of us were a natural couple, and it felt good to be at a party as a committed couple.

Raul asked about both of our occupations while Brenda was in the bathroom. When he found out that I worked the daytime and L.B. worked at night, he said, "Oh my gosh! It's the perfect marriage."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Are you kidding? Do you know how many men would love to just have to spend two days a week with their wives??!! You two are living the dream."

L.B. and I looked at each other blankly.

"Well, we're not married," Carter said. "I'm not one of those gay guys that rushes to get married just because we can. I'm not the marrying type."

"You're not?" I said in surprise.

"Oh." He felt like he stepped in poop. "No. Actually, ... no. It's just a sheet of paper that doesn't change anything."

"Well, there is the legal stuff."

"Both our names will be on the mortgage when we get a house."

"What if you went into the hospital?"

"I'll make sure they know you are my partner."

I was a bit unsettled by the remark that he never wanted to get married. I wasn't sure why. Cooper and I had never seriously talked about it. He was apprehensive to do it for Corey's sake. But I always hoped that one day ... maybe we would.

"So ... anyway," Raul continued. "How do you two make time for each other?"

As L.B. explained how and when we were able to devote time to one another, I got thinking about marriage. It was still too soon for us to be even considering that anyway, but ... it hit me. I wanted L.B. forever. Carter and I were the right fit. With two drinks in me, I had this wild desire to propose. But I tossed the idea quickly; he didn't want to get married.

Why did that bum me out?

"I haven't gotten to know you two," Lisa said, inserting herself into our conversation.

Brenda arrived and pulled Raul away for the moment.

"Aren't you two just the handsomest," Lisa said, halfway through a third beer.

"And taken," Carter said, planting a solid kiss on my lips.

"Mmm. You guys are hot. I could just watch you two make out and get off."

"Oh, my goodness. Well ... I just don't know how to respond to that," I said.

She put her hands on both our chests. "Just something to think about."

She moved on to the snacks.

"O. M. G.," Carter laughed. "She's a piece of work."

"But you've slept with women before."

L.B.'s face snapped my direction. "Years ago. Drugs were involved. And there were ... multiple people. It was a group thing, not a man-woman thing." He looked down, feeling terribly embarrassed. "I - I don't want to talk about it."

"And we won't," I said, grabbing both his hands. "I love you, babe."

He kissed me. "You too, Sweetie."

I still didn't like being called Sweetie, but somehow Carter got away with it.

We held hands as Arlo walked up.

"I'm not sure, but if I heard you say, 'Drugs were involved,' Seager and Kai are on the back deck if you'd like some pot."

"I'm driving," Carter immediately said.

"I'm fine right now," I nonchalantly said.

"I realize this is the bartender in me, but will Lisa be all right to drive?" L.B. asked.

"We'll make sure of it. If you want my honest opinion, I imagine she will fall asleep in less than two hours and will crash on our couch."

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Oh yeah."

"She's ... interesting."

"Seager loves her at work. They're close."

Arlo moved on. We nibbled some more. L.B. paid attention to the music.

"I wouldn't want to offend the host, but I wish I had offered to bring a playlist."

"Why so?"

"They are playing typical Halloween-type songs, but kind of ... trite. I could have given them some cool stuff ... beyond `Ghostbusters.'"

"Everyone's having a good time."

We watched Lisa open her fourth beer. She certainly was having a good time. L.B. had stuck with bottled water after his first drink.

Isaac walked over to us. He asked why he never saw me at The Black Stallion. Before I could answer, L.B. explained everything to him. I told him I missed it.

"But the bartender comes home to you every night," Isaac said.

"Yes, he does," Carter said, planting a kiss on my lips.

I had just enough light buzz going to wrap my arms around L.B. and suck his face.

"You two have it all," Isaac said.

"I don't know about that," I said. "But I have everything I want."

Our eyes locked. L.B.'s eyes said, "Me too."

"You are my love bartender," I softly whispered. "I love you."

"Let's get some more food in you," he said, slightly implying I was getting a little drunk.

"That Lisa girl has been all over me," Isaac said.

Carter and I laughed. 

"She's something," L.B. said.

"She has to know all the guys here are gay."

"She likes that." I looked at her. "It's like a challenge."

"Holy fuck."

We continued to mingle. Seager had brought out some bowls with a crock pot of pasta. It had a meat sauce to it. It was delicious.

I saw Arlo smoking pot out back. Raul had joined him. I didn't think L.B. would strongly object, but at the same time, I didn't really have the desire to smoke. People seemed more spread out. We weren't all clustered together. L.B. was in the living room talking with Caven and Hank. I ate some more chips.

Brenda talked to me for a while. She asked how we knew Seager. I kept the explanation to "Arlo is an old friend." Our sexual exploits weren't necessary. It had surprised me that it had been so long since I had written those sexual details down in the old black book I gave to Logan. It all seemed so random now.

I felt full. I didn't need to eat anything else, but I definitely needed to pee. As I stepped close to the bathroom, the master bedroom door was closed, but I heard voices. I couldn't make out the man, but I could definitely determine Lisa's moan. 

"Holy crap," I whispered. "She landed someone."

But who?

It felt invasive to listen, but it was happening right there on the other side of the door. Lisa was wailing, and a man was groaning. He got louder. I could hear enough of a bed in motion.

"Are you about to come?" she asked.

"Ohhhh, yeah," he moaned.

"Don't come in me. Come on my face," she instructed.

Holy fuck. I shouldn't have been listening.

"Come on me, Isaac. Come on my face!"

Well, if she was going to be that loud, then I shouldn't feel bad about listening.

Lisa continued to squeal. She must have been fingering herself because seconds later, Isaac growled in his orgasm.

"Ohhh, yes," she moaned.

I didn't even want to visualize the scenario.

"Isaac, rub my pussy. Rub it!"

That was enough. I went to the bathroom.

Upon my return, the bedroom had quieted down. I assumed both were done.

"You and Isaac have something to talk about the next time he's in the bar."

"What are you talking about?"

"He gave Lisa a medal."

"What are you-" L.B.'s eyes widened. "No way.""

"Way."

"NO. Way!"

"I just heard them. Kind of gross."

"Aren't vaginas though?"

We laughed.

Carter stuck with water or an occasional Snapple Seager had in the fridge. I felt a strong buzz after Arlo made a blender of frozen margaritas. L.B. took a sip of mine, but he didn't have one of his own.

"Thriller" played through the sound system. Everyone laughed, and we all started to dance. I rarely got to see Carter dance. It seemed like everything he did made him hotter. I wondered if it was just because I had been drinking, but ... no. My partner was hot.

"Don't forget you have work in the morning," L.B. reminded me at 10:30.

"I know."

I assumed we would leave just before 11. True to his prediction, Lisa was asleep on the couch. Apparently, Isaac wasn't satisfied as we watched him make out with Hank for a few minutes. They left at the same time.

Brenda, Raul, Caven and Jon had left. When Dwayne headed out, we figured we would follow.

"We were hoping you'd stay a bit longer," Seager said.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Kai couldn't stay tonight, so ... Arlo and I are interested ... if you two are."

Interested. It took a few seconds in my buzzed state to process the proposition. Oh.

I looked at L.B. Arlo was talking to him. He looked at me. I looked at him. He looked at me. The four of us stepped toward each other.

"We've talked about you two since you came over in the spring," Arlo said. "We were hoping someday ... one night ... the four of us could have some fun together."

"If you are interested, that is," Seager added.

I wasn't thinking clearly. I never had intended to have sex with them. It would have obviously been hot, but it wasn't anything I had wanted. But would L.B.? We agreed if we ever wanted to explore, we would be honest with each other. Nothing was behind anyone's back. It was out in the open. Did he?

"Are you?" L.B. asked.

"Are you??"

"I don't know. If it is something that interests you, then ... we'd be participating together."

"Yeah. I guess."

"We'd make sure you have a great time," Arlo said.

"He's very skilled," Seager said.

"I know," I barely said.

"I'm pretty good around a man myself, if I may say so."

It didn't seem right. But I had had too much to drink to make myself understand that. We had been having fun. I didn't want to be a wet blanket. Our hosts wanted it. But I couldn't tell if L.B. did.

"Good night, gentlemen. Another time," Kai said. "I'll see myself out."

"Good night, Kai. Thanks for coming. Hope you had fun," our hosts said.

"I did."

The front door shut, and the four of us were left in the kitchen. Seager put his hands on L.B.'s shoulders. He kissed my partner's neck. We were going to do this. Carter must have wanted to.

"Come share with me on the deck," Arlo said.

We went outside. Things were just happening fast. A minute later, I was being handed a joint. I took a deep drag.

I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't even remember the four of us walking to the bedroom. We were just there. I was stoned. Seager took Carter's shirt off. My partner was hot. I felt Arlo's lips on my neck. He unbuttoned my shirt. 

L.B. and I looked at each other.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Okay," he said.

I didn't remember my pants coming off. Or Carter's. Then Seager was naked. He had a raging hard-on. It was big, and I found it beautiful, actually. Or so I thought. I was stoned. It was hard to think. Seager's hand went down Carter's underwear. I watched him groping my partner. It was a little bit arousing, but it seemed ... off. Things didn't seem right. L.B. touched Seager's chest. He looked at me. I looked at him. Things didn't seem right.

Fingers went up my ass. I was naked. I didn't remember getting naked. Arlo's other hand reached around me, feeling my chest. I turned to see him reach for a condom and lube. Things weren't right. I saw things happening, but they registered seconds later.

Seager positioned L.B. against the headboard and began licking and sucking my partner's balls. L.B. looked hot. I couldn't blame Seager. Seager's ass was nice too — with a nice dick and nice ass, he was a good catch.

Arlo's slick fingers entered my hole as I watched my partner and host. I was on my hands and knees. L.B. looked at me; I looked at him. Things weren't right.

"Mmmm," Seager groaned as he sucked on L.B.'s cock. My partner lightly moaned, receiving a blowjob.

"Ohhhh, fuck," I shouted.

Arlo's perfect dick slid into me. There was no pain. It was probably because I was stoned, but his cock inside me felt glorious. I shut my eyes and remembered being fucked by him all those years ago. Wouldn't it be amazing if I saw sparks again? I opened my eyes. I saw L.B. open his eyes. We looked at each other. Things weren't right.

Seager moved Carter onto his side, and the two started to suck each other. L.B. was so hot. Seager's cock was hot. Arlo's cock was hot. My cock was hot. My thoughts were fuzzy. The sex felt good, but it was also like I wasn't having sex. I was just watching. Then Arlo thrust his hard-on with severe force. I moaned loudly.

L.B. took his face from Seager's crotch. He looked for me. He reached out for my hand. He slid his fingers under my hand. I grasped it.

Arlo growled behind me. Thrusting. Fucking. Pushing. Plowing.

Seager grabbed the lube. He made L.B. sit up, causing our hands to let go. He made my partner's dick slippery, as well as his own. He moved up to L.B. and grabbed both their dicks together and began jerking them off as one. L.B.'s eyes closed in pleasure. He groaned a little.

Arlo was moving faster than he did the first time he fucked me. Would I see the sparks? My dick was a beam, bouncing below me with each thrust.

"Oh, Mitch. Oh, Mitch! FUCK YEAH!" Arlo shoved his cock in forceful, hard thrusts. I knew he was coming.

"That's it, baby. Fill it," Seager said. "Yeah. You're gonna make me come, baby."

Seager's glance turned from his lover back to his own cock. Rubbing against L.B.'s, our host's erection shot cum into the air as Seager screamed.

"Oh yeah. Fuck, man. That was good." He grunted and gasped. He continued to pant as he rubbed L.B.'s cock.

Things weren't good. Things weren't right. L.B.'s eyes met mine. We had shared so many looks. I could read his thoughts. This was not a look we had shared before. He was in pain. He was not right. I slightly nodded. In a moment of clarity, his eyes told me everything I needed to know.

"I need to stop," Carter calmly said.

"But ... you aren't finished," Seager said.

"We both are," I added. "We need to stop."

Arlo felt that I was still fully hard. "Are you sure?"

"We are."

"I thought you were enjoying it," he said.

"It was pleasurable. I know I'm stoned and maybe drunk, but I only want to make love with L.B. I love him, and this ... just doesn't feel right."

"Sorry, guys," L.B. said. "He's right. You guys are really good at what you do — and very handsome — but ... I love Mitch. He's the man I want. I'm sorry."

Our bodies moved toward one another. We grabbed each other's shoulders and kissed passionately.

We pulled apart and let our eyes stare into the infinite worlds we shared.

We began to reach for our clothes.

"I hope you aren't offended," L.B. said.

"No. We understand," Arlo said. "We apologize for making things awkward."

"It wasn't your fault. I know a hundred customers at the bar who would love to be in my shoes, but ... I - I - I just want to be with Mitchell."

"It's actually sweet," Seager said, pulling up his underwear.

"You think so?" L.B. said.

"I do. Granted, I was looking forward to your cock unloading in my mouth, but ... I understand. We shouldn't assume everyone feels the same way about ... things ... as Arlo and I do."

"Please know I think you are good at it," Carter said. "That wasn't the problem."

In an awkward silence, we all finished putting our clothes on.

"I'm sorry we led you to a place you didn't want to be," Seager told L.B. He then grabbed my partner's face and gently pressed his lips to L.B.'s. "Forgive us."

"We're sorry to disappoint," Carter said.

"No. Not at all. Our mistake," Arlo said.

"We really did have a good time," I said. "Even though we didn't end it the way you figured, we enjoyed our time. Maybe not as much as Lisa though."

Everyone laughed.

"She got laid. She'll just hurt in the morning. I don't expect to see her at work."

"Well, thank you again," I said.

They walked us to the door and offered simple hugs.

As Carter started the ignition, he turned to me. "Well ... that happened."

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."

"We both agreed to it."

"I thought you might want to do it after being with me for over half a year. I thought maybe doing things together with others might be something you want."

"And I was thinking the same about you. I only did it because I thought you wanted to."

"My head is so fuzzy right now. Whatever I've done, please don't let me screw us up.  I love you, L.B. I love only you and want only you."

"I feel the same."

I stared out my side window. Everything that transpired — beer, marijuana, sex — it crawled up my skin like roaches and ants. I rubbed my cheek and my eyes trying to put everything into focus.

A tear went down my face.

How did I let myself do this?

I wiped the tear away.

But it was to no avail. The tears poured. I sobbed.

"Mitch. It's okay."

"NO, IT'S NOT!!! How could I ever do that to you?!"

"We both agreed before we started."

"I should never have agreed!! Ever. How could I fucking do this again!!!"

I wailed and sobbed so hard that Carter had to pull over. He took off his seatbelt and held me.

"I'm soooooo sorry, babe. I love you so much. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me."

"I think the booze has a grip on you. There's nothing to forgive. I agreed."

"I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself."

"Stop. Please stop. I'm fine. WE are fine."

My face was wet with tears and mucous. "I fucked up," I whimpered. "How did I let myself fuck it up?"

"Breathe with me, Mitchell." L.B. held my hands and we breathed together. I began to calm down. After a minute of steady inhaling and exhaling, Carter started the car again.

I was ready to fall apart again, but I just kept focusing on one thing: I loved Carter more than anything in the world. I would momentarily tremble, but that single thought kept me sane.

"Can we finish what was started when we get home?" I asked.

"Can I fuck you?"

"It's what I would have chosen."

When we entered the house, we rushed to the bedroom. I was too out of it to get my clothes off easily. L.B. undressed me. He lit a candle, and I watched him remove his clothes.

Even in my intoxicated state, I was mesmerized by watching my partner strip before me.

Naked, he crawled onto the bed. He stretched his body on top of mine and we kissed. Our tongues probed. Our mouths ravaged each other. Our crotches pushed into the other. Our cocks got hard.

Carter kissed and licked my neck.

"Fuck me," I panted.

"I want you, Mitchell."

"Fuck me, L.B."

"I need you, Mitchell."

"Fuck me, babe."

"I want you more than anything."

Lube was applied to his rigid mast. I stretched my legs apart and watched my partner gently glide his erection into my body. Slowly, masterfully.

We both breathed.

He pushed in further.

We both groaned.

He began to thrust rhythmically.

We both growled.

Our words were a tangled ball of "love you" and "fuck me" and "fuck yes" and "ungh" and "Baby" and "Sweetie" and "only you."

I loved being fucked by him and I loved him. I. Loved. Him.

My hands felt his chest while he pushed inside me. I was so overwhelmed with L.B.'s love that I began to tear up again.

He looked into my eyes. L.B. teared up. Our eyes cried together. They screamed our love and our regret and our deep commitment. We sobbed and cried as he continued to fuck me. Our eyes couldn't separate if they tried.

Our eyes made love.

I reached for my steel dick. I jerked on it, feeling pleasure from my stiff skin and my stimulated hole.

We cried. We made love.

"I'm getting close, Sweetie."

"Yes, baby. Come inside me."

We cried. We made love.

"I'm coming. I'm coming in you."

"I know. Do it. I love you. I love you, L.B."

In his orgasm, his eyes told me he loved me a thousand times. It was mixed with tears. I kept jerking. Carter was finished, but he kept fucking me until I came. It took me a minute, but it wasn't his cock in me that took me to the edge, it was his tears that kept pouring. Every tear that dripped on my chest was the most erotic way that Carter had ever made love to me.

My cock was pressed into his belly as he kissed me. All my cum was written in the hair on his abs.

It took us several minutes to stop crying, but our lovemaking finally exhausted us.

"That was incredible, baby."

"I think so, too," he said.

We breathed for a couple of minutes.

"I think your head is going to hurt in the morning," he said.

"Most likely. But my body is 200 degrees right now."

Carter got up to blow out the candle. We didn't even clean up. Cum and tears and sweat and lube was all over us. We just held each other until we fell asleep.

—

Early November

"It has been nine days. I still feel this way," I lamented.

"How does Carter feel?" Logan asked.

"He seems ... fine. I think he's worried about me, though."

"I'm glad you set up an appointment." Logan moved from behind the desk to sit in the chair across from me.

"I just ... I can't believe I did this again."

"Hold on. >From what you told me on the phone, this is completely different than what you did to Cooper."

"Is it? Is it really?"

"Take me to the beginning."

"We were at a party. I was ... probably drunk. I was very buzzed at the very least. When it was winding down, Arlo and Seager asked if the two of us would be interested in a four-way."

"And ... were you?"

"It's kind of hard to remember what I was thinking. I don't remember wanting to have sex with them. I kind of think I was wondering if L.B. might want someone else besides me for a change."

"What did he say at the time?"

"I don't remember. I think we both just felt the other one might be interested. It just sort of happened. I think if I had been completely sober, we would have walked away."

"Well, if there is one clear takeaway from this, that would be it."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't drink too much!"

"Hey, Dr. Hypocrite. Didn't you drink too much when you took me to your Christmas party? Then when you went out with me for drinks a week later, you confessed developing feelings for me."

"Gawd. I know. But ... there! That continues to illustrate my point."

"It's a reason, but not an excuse. When our faces just looked at each other during that four-way, our eyes conveyed ... pain."

"Why pain? Elaborate."

"We were in the middle of sex. It felt good, but not with each other. We both internalized it. It just felt wrong."

"Was he mad?"

"No. He actually comforted me when I had a major meltdown."

"Mitchell, this is not the same. When you cheated on Cooper, it was behind his back. Carter chose to participate in this ... act ... with you. There was nothing dishonest or unfaithful here."

"But it wasn't right."

"You both agreed. Why not?"

"Because it wasn't him. I was being fucked by someone who wasn't him."

"I think you've learned an open relationship is not something healthy for you. Did he seem to enjoy it?"

"No. Neither of us did. It was weird. Granted, I was stoned, so who knows if I'm even remembering everything correctly, but it felt good and bad at the same time. Does that even make sense? I guess it doesn't."

"I understand where your point of view is coming from."

"I hate myself."

"Please don't. Nothing good will come of that. How have the two of you been since then?"

"Fine. Sort of the same, but ... as I said, he's worried about me."

"Because ...?"

"Because I hate myself."

"Then stop doing that!! Does he still love you?"

"Yes, of course. We had the most emotional round of lovemaking when we got home that night."

"And you love him."

"Absolutely. More than anything."

"Mitchell, then hold onto those feelings. The two of you — together! — decided to explore something that turned out not to be what you wanted. You have no further desires to cheat or talk him into something similar, right?"

"No. Hell, no."

"Then talk it through with him. Tell him how much you love him."

"I do. I have."

"Keep doing that. This is a bruise, not a severed limb. Particularly since he seems okay with things."

"It's funny, the topic of marriage came up at the party. He said he had no interest in getting married."

"Did that bother you?"

"It just kind of threw me. We aren't even a year old yet. But ... maybe one day ... down the line ... I might like what you and Nate have. I don't know."

"Something else to talk about." He jotted something on a pad. "That isn't a make-or-break thing, is it?"

"No. No, I don't believe so. But I do believe in forever. I want us to last forever."

"I love that about you."

"It's strange. No one in our coffee group is married. And for some reason, I'm thinking about it like crazy lately."

"Because you love him with all your heart. I can see it. I'm sure he does too."

"I hope."

"I'm glad that sex with Arlo wasn't incredible."

"Okay. Explain further. What was different with Mr. Sparks?"

"That's just it. When we started screwing around, even in my intoxicated state, I wondered if I might see sparks again. I mean, I even smoked the pot. But what if it happened?? Then what? Would I want to chase down that moment again? Or try to somehow recreate it with Carter?"

"I fully believe it was a one-time fluke."

"And saying goodbye to it was the smartest thing I ever did."

Logan and I talked further, and I felt calmer. Before leaving, he said he should have an available time open the following week, and I scheduled an appointment.

I went straight to The Black Stallion from his office.

Carter saw me and was instantly confused.

"Mitch! What are you doing here?"

It was early. There weren't more than a dozen people in the place, but it had only been open an hour. Most people were just getting off work.

"I – I just need to talk. I need to tell you something."

"As in right now?"

"Yeah."

His hands were on the counter. I reached over and he grabbed them. Layton was at the other end. He could tell something was going on, but he gave us some privacy.

"I know you don't believe in marriage and-"

"It's not that I don't believe in marriage. For families, it's fine; it's good. For men ... it seems unnecessary."

"Okay." I paused. "You know I love you — more than anything."

"Of course, Sweetie. What is it?"

"Well, if you wanted it, I – I guess I would be proposing right now. But I know — I get it — that's not in the cards for the two of us. But I want to ask you, to tell you ... I want us to be forever. I want to love you forever. And only you. How does that make you feel?"

"Yes, of course. I feel the same. I'm sad that you weren't 100 percent sure on that. I love you, Sweetie. Always."

I squeezed his hands.

"And you forgive me for the party?"

"Mitchell, please stop tormenting yourself over that. We did that together, and it just made us realize how special the love between us is. It was a bad choice, but it just made us stronger."

"You're sure?"

"Completely."

"Then I will try to let it go."

"Please do." We kissed. "You're my one and only Sweetie."

"Forever."

I left the bar.

Mid-November

We had plans to go house hunting this afternoon. We hadn't had much luck, so we looked into finding a realtor to help. L.B. would probably be up just before lunch.

I was a little nervous, but I hoped my surprise would be well received. Otherwise, I had made a life-long mistake.

I heard the toilet flush in the bathroom, so I knew he was up. I poured batter into the waffle maker.

"Morning, babe," I said with a kiss. "There's still coffee."

"Mmm. Waffles?" L.B. said in his underwear and a T-shirt.

"Yep. I have blueberries, strawberries and whipped cream. I made some bacon too."

"Wow. It's like breakfast, lunch and dessert all in one."

Within a few minutes, we were buttering waffles and dripping syrup. I wrapped the bacon in a paper towel and microwaved the strips to heat them up. Carter added berries and whipped cream.

"Delicious, Sweetie," he said after the first bite.

I had to agree after tasting mine.

After almost finishing, L.B. realized we hadn't said anything during the meal.

"You're quiet this morning."

"I'm nervous."

His look became one of concern. "What's wrong? What are you nervous about?"

"I did something."

My partner was clearly baffled.

I slowly unbuttoned my shirt. I slipped it off. And there it was.

L.B. dropped his fork; it landed on the table with a clang.

"You – you got a tattoo," he barely could say.

"I did."

"But you hate tattoos."

It was a simple tattoo. It was an armband with a thicker line going around my bicep with a thinner parallel line occasionally making a zigzag through the thicker line.

"I don't understand," he said.

"I decided to do it as my own personal way of getting married."

"I don't follow."

"Think of it as my wedding ring. The thick line goes all the way around the arm. There is no beginning, no end. It's continuous. It's forever. The thin line intersects, overlaps, goes behind ... those are the little challenges in life. But the thick line is my commitment to you. Forever. It is my symbol every day to show you how much I love you."

L.B. was speechless. His eyes welled. His eyes kept going back and forth between the tattoo and my eyes.

"I can't believe you did that," he breathed more than said. "When did you do that?"

"Just yesterday."

"But you hate tattoos."

"But I love you. It was a way to share with you in a way I never have."

"I don't know what to say. Does it hurt?"

"Like hell."

"Yeah. It will for close to a week."

"You're worth it."

His telepathic gaze told me so much: Appreciation. Commitment. Gratitude. Disbelief. Surprise. But most of all it told me how much he loved me.

His chair tipped and fell to the floor as he jumped up and ran over to kiss me.

"I love you. I love you so much. You didn't have to do that. Sweetie, I know you will love me forever. But ... wow. I love it. I do."

"You do?"

"I do. It looks great on you. I still can't believe it, but ..." He gave me one of the longest kisses we had ever shared.

He squeezed my shoulders and gripped my arms. "Ow," I mumbled into the kiss.

He separated from me. "Sorry." His smile conveyed his love as much as his eyes.

Friendsgiving, Late November

"Hi Trent, it's been a while. It's nice to see you."

"And you, Mitch. Welcome."

"This is my partner, Carter, who actually prefers the nickname L.B."

"Okay then. L.B., it's nice to meet you. Cooper has told me a little about you."

Our host then introduced L.B. to his husband, Mike.

I hadn't attended the Friendsgiving occasion since Cooper and I broke up. It had grown since the early years. There were probably fifteen people there already. Trent and Mike said they expected around forty people.

Cooper and Larry were there. I had seen Cooper's SUV outside.

"I'm glad you got here now," Cooper said. "Parking gets tough fairly quickly."

"Yeah. We parked down the street."

We all took a moment to hug.

Cooper took us over to Lance and Jakob to introduce L.B. I worried about this introduction. Lance and Jakob would always know me as the person who cheated on Cooper. I didn't know if they would ever give me a chance. Maybe they would someday like me.

Their faces were slightly blank, but Jakob made the better attempt to show happiness in meeting L.B. Handshakes were friendly enough.

"Cooper has said many nice things about you, L.B. It's nice to have a chance to meet you."

"I always knew Mitchell was meant to find the right person," Cooper said.

Lance and Jakob looked awkward.

"No need to feel uneasy. I know Larry is the right person for Cooper. I fully accept how I messed that up, but I'm happy for the two of them."

The acquaintances smiled slightly and nodded.

"More importantly, when we ... didn't work out ... you found L.B. You two are so happy," Cooper continued.

L.B. and I looked at each other. "We are," he said. We kissed.

"Just before coming here, we grabbed Christmas sweaters and had our picture taken at the park. The decorations are up now. Aaaaaaand ... in our Christmas card this year, we'll provide our new address. We're moving into a new house at the first of the year."

"Whoa," Larry said. "It really will be a fresh new year then, won't it?"

"Our realtor, knowing we are gay, found the right place for us. A neighborhood with lots of shade. More mature homeowners."

"And it only adds about five minutes extra commute for each of us," Carter said.

"That's wonderful," Jakob said.

"I'm excited for you," Cooper added.

Jakob explained the food options. Lance kindly offered to get us something to drink. We accepted his hospitable gesture.

Once we had a beverage, Mike returned to show L.B. the house. Before the tour was done, the guest count had almost doubled in size.

I carried a paper plate of snacks into the living room. I happened to turn when I saw Emory and Don walk in. Emory was using a cane.

I smiled brightly. I walked over and gave them both hugs. "I'm glad you are here."

"I'm getting better," Emory said, who now sounded more like his old self. "I needed to get out more than just to the coffee shop."

We told them the news of our recent home purchase. They, too, were happy for us.

Logan arrived shortly after. I only knew maybe a third of the people in attendance. Friends from Mike's and Trent's workplaces were unfamiliar to me. Larry had some of his team members there as well. It's funny how a circle of friends can continue to create ripples that make the circles widen.

We had invited Layton, but he had other plans. Brad was the last person we knew.

Logan saw Cooper and me talking while L.B. looked at the landscaping in the backyard. "It's nice to see you, Cooper. It's been almost two years. How are you?"

"Excellent, Dr. Horwood."

"Please, call me Logan."

"Yeah, he's doing great after you sent him running into the arms of Larry," I joked.

"I did no such thing."

"I'm only joking. The two of them belong together."

"As do L.B. and you," my ex said.

"Agreed," my therapist added.

We talked about Corey for a moment and his new driver's license.

I pulled Cooper and Logan aside. "Come with me."

I directed them to the study off the hall. Closing the door, they looked confused, even more so when they saw me unbutton my shirt.

"What are you doing?" Logan asked.

"Relax."

I let the shirt drop to my elbows, and then they saw the tattoo.

Cooper gasped. "I don't believe it."

I told them the reasons why and the symbolism behind it.

"I'm so happy for you," Cooper said, and gave me a peck on the lips. So did Logan. And that was fine. I liked simple affection between friends.

I got dressed again, and we reentered the living room. L.B. saw me smile as he came in through the back. He walked over to me and held me in his arms.

Scanning the room, I knew even though I had immediate family, several people here were a chosen family as well. L.B. and I were in it for the long haul. Fletcher was enough of our kid to make us feel like a family too. I hadn't shared the news of our house with my parents yet, but I would do that a few days later at Thanksgiving.

Trent made his traditional toast to friendship. L.B. allowed himself one glass of champagne before work. Because he had to be at The Black Stallion in forty minutes, we were among the first people to leave. I began saying our goodbyes.

I stood before Logan. "Thank you."

"For...?"

"Making me believe I am worthy of being loved."

"You certainly are. I love you, Mitch. And so do several people here."

"Most importantly, L.B." I hugged my friend and therapist tightly.

Mike and Trent understood that my partner had to prepare for work. They hugged us at the door, and we thanked them for their gracious hospitality.

One last glance into the room gave me a chance to see all the people who truly made me happy.

As we walked to the car, I reached for L.B.'s hand and thought of the many things we could do to make our new home right for us.

Epilogue

Three Years Later

L.B. and I found a space a few cars down from Mike's and Trent's house. As Friendsgiving had continued to grow, we knew to get there early. Plus, L.B. would have to duck out for work before most people.

We were told not to get dressy. Cooper and Larry wanted things just to be the same. But they felt Friendsgiving was the perfect place to have a simple wedding.

Once inside, even their clothes were pretty casual, but Cooper had told me at work what they planned to wear for the actual ceremony.

In the past three years, my partner and I had become fairly good friends with the happy couple. I was thrilled for them. In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but be envious of Cooper. I knew L.B.'s position was that marriage wasn't necessary. I knew I wanted it though. But I was content with how happy our lives were. Whenever I felt the slightest bit down, I just reached over to touch my bicep, and all was good in the world.

"You're sure this won't be hard?" L.B. asked.

"No. Goodness no. Cooper and I were together years ago. Really, I'm happy for them."

Mike answered the door. With each passing year, we felt more authentic as friends at this gathering, as well as the occasional party we all attended together. We were both hugged.

Trent wasn't far behind him to add a welcoming hug. He said he had to help Jakob with some arrangements out back and quickly darted off.

Corey, his mother and Daryl walked up. It had been a very long time since I had seen Natalie.

"It's nice to see you," Corey said. "How's Ross?"

"Good. Seems to be growing right before our eyes. Speaking of which. Look at you! You're a giant."

"Isn't he though?" Natalie said. "He's a man now."

"Whatever. Excuse us. I'm supposed to help Mom carry in a cake. We'll catch up in a few minutes."

The family was off to their car.

For the next hour, people continued to pile in. Cooper had arranged for a van to shuttle people from a school a couple of blocks away. It was to be the biggest Friendsgiving yet. Having a wedding be a part of it was a big reason.

Natalie approached me. It surprised me. I never felt she wanted to associate with me.

"Mitchell, hi. Cooper tells me you are doing well."

"Hi, Natalie. I am. L.B. and I are ... busy. But I'm very happy."

"I'm glad."

She seemed sincere. "That's nice to hear, Natalie. I never thought you liked me."

Her expression fell. "I'm sorry, Mitchell. All those years ago, it was just a lot to deal with."

"I know."

"It took me a while to figure out that Cooper wasn't doing things to be mean spirited. He was in pain. I had to accept that."

"Nothing was your fault."

"I know, I know. Now."

"You like Larry just fine, right?"

"I do. He's ... well, he's family. He's a father figure in my son's life, and Corey adores him."

"He does. Hey, I heard you made the cake. It looks beautiful."

"Thank you, Mitchell."

Daryl asked her to step away.

"Excuse me."

L.B. leaned over to me. "She seems pretty nice. I thought she hated you."

"Time heals all wounds."

Emory and Don were there. Contrary to the instructions, they were a little more dressed up, or as dressed up as Emory got.

"You guys look handsome," I said.

"Thank you," said Don. "L.B., are you able to stay for the wedding?"

"I'm going to be a little late to work; they're aware of that. But I do get to see the ceremony."

"I'm just glad the weather is cooperating," I said.

Corey seemed to be less pulled in all directions, so we went over to visit with him. It was still hard for me to believe he was in college. We gave each other hugs and let him talk about Notre Dame a bit.

"It's nice to see your mother," I said.

"Is it? I didn't think you two got along?" Corey said.

"Back in the early days ... no. I felt she thought I was the one that turned Cooper gay."

"She's so lame."

"It's where she was at the time. She was shocked. And hurt. It was a big change."

"Thanks for being there for Dad. You probably rescued him."

"I loved your father. Part of me always will. It's how love works."

Corey seemed preoccupied with his roommate Aiden and making sure he had a good time.

At 5 o'clock. Trent gathered everyone inside. Just as he had done from the very first year, we paused to remember the reason Trent started this gathering. It was time for Tyler's candle.

"For those of you who have not met him, this is an old friend of mine, Zach," Trent announced.

"I'm 29," Zach said. "I'm not old."

Trent punched him in the arm. "Anyway, Zach married Mike and me several years ago. Well, that didn't sound right. He performed our ceremony. He was a youth minister here in town after he graduated from W. Travis. Now he has moved on to a bigger congregation in Cedar Rapids. But he has come home for the holiday, and I've asked him to join us today."

L.B and I assumed he would be performing the ceremony for Cooper and Laramie.

"Trent has asked me to say a prayer. If you wish to bow with me..."

Most people did.

"Father, thank you for this day when so many friends can come together. Thank you for the hosts and loving hearts that helped prepare the food and refreshments. Thank you for bringing us here safely.

"Father, we take a moment to remember Tyler. We are saddened that Tyler's pain took him from us. But we ask you to allow him to know that in his pain, a seed was planted, and it has grown into the group we see here today. A group that has not forgotten him.

"As we gather here, Lord, let us embrace the blessing of friendship and to never take it for granted. Let kindness and forgiveness and compassion live strong in each of us.

"In your son's name we pray, Amen."

"Amen," many in the crowd echoed.

Trent placed his hands on his piano and started playing "Thank You for Being a Friend." It was tradition. Everyone sang along.

People continued to eat as Cooper and Larry went to change clothes.

Brad rushed in through the front door, frantic that he had missed it. We assured him he hadn't, and it was just about to start. Cooper came out and visited him for a moment.

Looking out the back patio door, Jakob had lit around thirty candles. There were glowing orbs in the grass and hanging illuminated globes from the trees. It was a beautiful setting. People began taking their places.

Soon, Mike had received the signal that everyone was ready. All the friends had taken their places in seats.

"On My Way" by Jennifer Lopez was Larry's love song for Cooper. That began to play.

Trent surprised everyone by being the officiant, and not the friend Zach who was brought in.

Everyone stood as Cooper and Larry slowly walked out. The aisle was lined with luminaries. The overhead globes filtered rays of light to illuminate the couple enough. Tiki torches outside the rows of chairs offered even more light. The sun had finally set, so the lighting all made the occasion have a magical quality.

Trent began.

"Most of you know that I am on the radio most mornings. I'm not a person that tends to get nervous. Today, I told my husband I'm a little nervous. When Cooper and Laramie were looking for someone to perform the ceremony, I told them I'd be thrilled to do it. Because ... you can get anything online these days." Everyone chuckled. "So, I'm official."

For several minutes, Trent said kind words about love and commitment and partnership.

"There's a coolness to the air, so I won't make this go on further than it needs to, but I'll finish with my own observations I've had of these two friends. I got to know Cooper best when we were running buddies. It was a hard year when he met Larry, but I could see their friendship turn to love. It was natural and true and ... for Cooper, inescapable."

It was a hard year indeed. I cheated on him. I destroyed his trust.

Trent continued: "It wasn't long before I met Larry, and I knew their connection was authentic, purposeful, deep. I knew the two were meant for each other — and they did too."

My mind drifted to those months when Cooper was in love with both of us. Once again, he was being torn apart. But Trent was right, those two were meant for each other. He and I weren't.

Two tapered candles had been lit on both sides of Cooper and Laramie. Trent nodded to me. It was my cue. I walked down the aisle. I carried a stand and a special candle.

"Everyone was told `No gifts," Trent said. "Your close friends, however, didn't want to let that go by, so there are some special things here."

I placed the candle on the stand. The wax portion was placed in a glass pillar. It was shallow enough that people could see objects around it. Cooper reached for me and hugged me deeply, then gave me a kiss on the cheek. Even after all these years, Cooper could make me melt. Larry hugged me next, and I kissed him on the cheek and then walked back to my seat. L.B. put his arm around me. A tear ran down my face.

"I'm sure that was hard," L.B. whispered. "I'm proud of you, Sweetie."

I held his hand tightly.

"Around this candle are messages from your friends," Trent said. "They have all been encased in acrylic. They are wishes of love. They are thoughts of what they admire about you two. They are inspirations of hope. They are the blessings of friendship."

Trent reached over to the two tapered candles and handed them to the couple.

"Once you are officially married, the love that you have held for years is recognized by the state as being one true love. You are joined. So, I ask you to take your two lights, and replace them with the one flame that symbolizes your commitment to each other forever — your one unified love."

I was happy for them. But I also wrestled with jealousy. I'd do anything to marry L.B., but it wasn't for us. Or him, at least. But to his point, it was just a piece of paper. However, a ring on my finger would be worn proudly. I touched my bicep, knowing that the tattoo was the ring around my arm.

They tilted their candles to the wick of the center candle I had placed. Once it was lit, they blew out their individual candles.

"Your life together will have wonderful days and days that present challenges. And some days will just suck." People snickered at Trent's words. "When it comes time to celebrate, light this candle and know that the two of you are one joined unit, you are in this life as a commitment to each other. When life is hard, light this candle and know that you aren't struggling alone. You are one. Each of you belong to each other. And look upon the blessings of friendship that surround the candle, and let those symbols confirm to you that we are here to support you and our arms are wrapped around you."

Trent made a motion to ladies in the audience.

A woman came up and handed a box to Larry. I knew she worked at his store, but I couldn't remember her name. She hugged Larry. Ophelia from Cooper's AA group gave a box to him. The men hugged the ladies. Ophelia kissed Cooper on the cheek.

"Gentlemen, take these rings you have selected for each other. Each of you have written your own promise to your mate. Cooper, you go first. Place the ring on Larry's finger."

He took the ring from the box. Larry's hand was shaking a little. The two smiled and Cooper slipped the ring on. I was so envious.

"Laramie, I am so grateful to God for sending you to me. When I fell for you, I knew it was for all the right reasons. You were the one I was looking for. You made me comfortable, you made me sane, you made me happy. I promise to do everything in my ability to make you as happy as I can for the rest of my life. You will be my one love, and I promise to be a devoted husband."

Cooper's words were a knife. I drove him straight to Larry. I didn't make him comfortable after my mistake. I just made him mistrustful of me. His love for me wasn't enough to repair the damage.

Larry smiled. Then it was his turn.

He took the ring from the box. His shaking hand caused the ring to slip from his fingers.

"Why do I always ruin everything!" he muttered. He scrambled to pick it up. He stood up erect and composed himself. Cooper smiled and mouthed the words "I love you" to him.

"Cooper, I've never been so grateful for a cup of coffee spilled down my shirt. If God sent me to you, he did it through a cup of coffee."

The audience laughed.

"You have shown me that the world can be full of love and hope and ... life. The happiness you make me feel is something I felt never existed ... until I met you. You can make everything better just by holding my finger." Laramie turned to the audience. "That doesn't make sense to you, but it does to us." He turned back to Cooper. "I promise to give my life to you, to share my life with you, and cherish my life with you, and love you for as long as I live."

The rings were now on both men.

My heart was fragmented. I was happy for them and sad for me. Not that I had lost Cooper, but I wanted what the two of them now had. I ruined it. I ruined my chance.

"Gentlemen, I will now ask you to confirm your vows to each other," Trent said.

Our friends faced each other and joined hands again.

"Laramie Jenkins, do you take Cooper Snow to be your husband, for as long as you both live?"

"I do," Laramie said with a huge smile.

"Cooper Snow, do you take Laramie Jenkins as your husband for as long as you both live?"

"I absolutely do."

Mike darted to the house.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Trent said to the audience. "I now present to you married husbands, Cooper Snow and Laramie Jenkins."

The crowd cheered.

Cooper and Laramie walked down the aisle back into the house. As they started, Mike began the song "Brand New" by Ben Rector. It was Cooper's special song for Laramie.

Once the crowd stood, L.B. kissed me goodbye. "Gotta run."

"I understand."

"Are you okay?"

"I am. I'm fine. I'm happy."

"We'll talk when I get home. Okay?"

People mingled. But I didn't feel like socializing. I just stood at the back of the kitchen for a little while.

Coery saw me and walked up.

"Where's L.B.?"

"He had to run, but he made sure he was here for the ceremony."

"I thought what you did took great courage. How do you feel?" he asked.

I sighed. "Okay. I'm ... just processing a few things poorly." He hugged me. I squeezed him tight with my arms. "I'm so glad you are still in my life."

"Me too," he replied. "I'm sorry this is hard."

"I'm fine. I accepted it years ago. There's just ... your dad and I were something special for two years. And ... I will always love your father, Corey. He will always have a place in my heart. Don't get me wrong, L.B. and I are great. I truly love him. But ... I'll always know ..."

My face twisted in pain and tears began. I rushed from the kitchen to the master bedroom. Corey followed me. I hated him seeing me like this.

"Hey. It's okay. I don't want you to be alone."

"I'm fine. Really. It sometimes hurts."

"That Dad didn't choose you?"

"Not that necessarily. He made the right call. It hurts because I knew I wasn't the right one for your father. Larry is perfect for him. I wasn't. They are meant for each other." Another tear escaped. "And ... and that sometimes hurts."

"I'm sorry," Corey softly said.

"Please, go on back out there. I'll return in a minute."

"I suppose I should try to find my grandparents," Corey said and left me with my thoughts.

I wished Logan were here. I hadn't talked to him in months. We needed to invite him and Nate over for dinner during the Christmas season. But I needed him now. I had so many things conflicting inside me. I took long deep breaths. Logan would tell me to sort things out. I tried to untangle everything.

·         I loved L.B. very much and was extremely happy with him. I touched my bicep to remind me of that.

·         I destroyed Cooper's trust and owned that. As a result, we both found the people we were meant to find, and I was happy about that.

·         I was thrilled for Cooper and Larry.

·         We didn't have rings and a sheet of paper. But L.B. and I had everything else Cooper and Larry had. We had Ross and Fletcher. We were a family, and we loved our house.

I took one last breath. I regained my composure and knew I was fine. I returned to the crowded living room.

Corey handed out cake.

Natalie had done a good job. I intended to pay her compliment — if I saw her again

Soon, everyone had a glass of refreshment of some sort. There were always alcoholic and nonalcoholic drinks for the toast. This year, the glasses had white ribbons tied in bows around the stem.

Trent clinked his glass to get everyone's attention.

"Mike and I are thrilled to welcome you all into our home. But this year, I'd like to allow the newlyweds to make the toast."

"Oh jeez," Larry groaned. "You do it. You're better at this stuff."

Cooper looked at the sea of eyes upon him. He blinked at the sight of many friends and a little family surrounding him.

"First, I must say thank you to Trent and Mike for allowing us to highjack a little of their Friendsgiving."

"Nonsense," Trent protested. "What could be more perfect?"

"And he's right. I couldn't think of a more perfect venue. Their beautiful home, the incredible decorations by Jakob and his Visions team — thank you, my dear friend; we love you — and to be in the presence of so many dear friends ... it's all we could ever want. To friendship and happiness."

Cooper raised his glass. "To friendship and happiness," the crowd echoed. I didn't say it out loud, but I said it in my head. Then I whispered it to myself: "To friendship and happiness." I had those.

Cooper and Larry made eye contact with me. I blew them a kiss.

—

I heard the toilet flush. I turned my neck to see the time was 3:10.

"Long night," I said, as I heard L.B. begin to undress in the dark.

"Yeah. Busy."

"Were they mad that you were late?"

"Nah. We didn't get busy until later." He slipped into the sheets. "How was everything after I left?"

"Good. A lot of socializing. Pictures. Toasts. The cake was delicious. Natalie let me bring you a slice. It's in the fridge."

"How hard was it for you today?"

"Surprisingly hard."

"Oh. Want to talk about it?"

"Not necessarily. It was hard because it made me recall all my failures. I could see things I had to give up ... because I can be such a loser."

L.B. held me tight. "Don't ever think that."

I turned to him. "Please don't think I feel bad about not being with Cooper. You know I love you forever and ever and you are my deepest soulmate."

"I'm just not willing to get married."

"I can accept that. You are the most important part of my life."

"Today made me think."

"Oh?"

"I'm still not fully onboard with the marriage thing — and by no means am I proposing. But as I watched our friends get married, I thought, `This is kind of nice.' Maybe ... someday. Let's say it is on the farthest edge of the radar. For now."

"I can live with that."

"I thought about you every single minute at work tonight."

"Why so?"

"Your courage. Your love. Your compassion. I feel so lucky to be your partner, Mitchell. You have no idea how much I deeply love you."

"Yes, I do. Your eyes tell me everything. Every day. They always have."

"I kept thinking about you all night. At one point I was even hard; I had to disguise it behind the counter."

I reached for his crotch. "Like now?" I said, tracing his bulge.

"Make love to me?"

"Now and always."

After a long kiss, we did.

* * * *

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You can find some closing thoughts on this book at the blog: timothylane414stories.blogspot.com Look for a post called "Farewell."

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