Say Goodbye to Sparkleland

Say Goodbye to Sparkleland Chapter 18

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Mitchell concludes his sixth session with Dr. Logan Horwood...

18

"Mitch, would you describe yourself as a giving person?"

I looked at Logan strangely. "Why do you ask that?"

"Listening to your previous encounters, there seems to be a see-saw effect."

"Explain."

"You find love, you fill in with casual sex, you find love, casual sex. It's almost a pattern. But I find the people whom you love ... you seem giving. Cruz needed love, even though his family couldn't accept it. You were understanding and helpful to Kenneth. You almost seemed to be a muse for Santos."

"What about you? I loved you. Do you feel like I was giving?"

"Hmm. You were kind, open, patient. I guess you gave me all those things. Honestly, you are still all of those things. It fits the pattern."

"I don't see it that way. Yes, right out of college I was just forgetting about the whole love routine. The encounters then didn't matter as much. But I think deep down I was always open to the idea of love. Perhaps I was more giving when I felt that emotion. If I had found the right person, I would have accepted giving of myself to show that love."

"And you feel Santos wasn't the `right person'?"

"I wouldn't say that exactly. I think it was more of a fear I had. I was afraid I wasn't the right one for him. Chasing him to Chicago would have been ... a disaster."

"Why a disaster?"

"Santos was intense. He was very focused on his career. When I could fit into it, we were great. We did fall in love, but only when time allowed, if that makes sense. He could have supported me while I hunted for a job; I'm sure of that. But I would have given up everything. He would be the only thing in my world I took with me, and ... I wouldn't see him much, particularly with the new restaurant starting up. I would have just been ... lonely. In love, but lonely. I think we both knew it. I would have loved to have celebrated his achievement alongside him, but we knew it was not a good thing for us. The goodbye was tough, but it was the right decision."

"Well, we have time for another decision. Who was next?"

"No. 18. Kris Cleary. Three inches soft, six inches hard. No pre-cum. Cut. Tapered cock. Large balls. Distance. Following that, I wrote: Hot & Cold, Beards, Rimming. Then I wrote: Cooper's relapse."

"Hmm. Something's familiar there, but you'll have to refresh my memory."

"Kris was simply fun. We were never serious. He worked at the firm too. He was the second person at my job that I learned was gay. When he found out I was, he was all about me."

"Did Dave get jealous?"

"Hoo boy. Dave and I had started talking again a bit more. It was more as coworkers than it was former lovers — or even gay friends. But when Kris and I started dating, Dave was done. He was frosty around me. A couple months after that, he left for another job."

"Think it was because of you?"

"Does it sound like I have too big of an ego if I said, `yes'?"

"Not if it is the truth."

"I don't know for sure, but I'm sure that whole thing could have compounded with how he felt about his job. I don't know."

"So. Kris."

"Kris was just constant fun."

"The tone in your voice makes that sound like a bad thing."

"I wouldn't say bad. Just never serious. We met for lunches in the beginning. He was a bit flirty, just a touch effeminate. Not too much. We talked about movies and celebrities. He and I were into gay pop culture, so that was a common link too. We shared a lot. A few weeks into it, he just kissed me in the break room. He asked me out. I liked Kris, so it seemed that we were a good fit."

"I think we went dancing one night. Six or eight of us?"

"You met him at least once. But Kris was hot and cold. He loved being with me for a few weeks, then he wanted to date someone else for a while. Then he'd miss me and come back to me. Then he wanted variety. Like I said, he always wanted fun. I don't think commitment seemed fun to him, but he always came back to me, once he had his flirtation with someone else."

"And this worked for you?"

"Worked isn't the word. If he calmed down and even remotely considered settling down, I liked Kris enough. We could have been good together. I enjoyed having fun with him. Lots of dancing, lots of eating out. Lots of spending too. I don't think Kris ever saved anything. Which is funny since we worked in an investment firm."

Logan smiled.

Kris shot cum to my beard. I was always impressed with his distance. He didn't get off me. My cock was still deep in him. He continued to ride my pole, even following his orgasm. I at least appreciated that he was quieter this time after fearing the neighbors heard us the night before. He leaned back on stiff arms and let me continue to penetrate deep inside him. His dick was no longer hard but had a nice length that deflated onto my navel, tickling it.

I built up my momentum and shoved my cock into him, causing him to rise almost a foot higher. I grunted as I released my climax inside my lover. He leaned up so that he could watch my face as I came.

I exhaled as my orgasm subsided.

"I'm glad I'm staying over," he said. "The sex was great, but I like sleeping in your bed, Mitch."

"Until you want to go out with someone else."

"Why do you say that?" he said, licking his cum out of my beard and then wiping my face, neck and chest with a cloth.

"We have fun with each other. But we've been seeing each other for a few months. You don't seem to take anything seriously."

"What does that mean?"

"I guess I'm just thinking about things. I'm going to be thirty soon. I feel like I should have met some goals. I've saved ... but I'm not close enough for a down payment on a house."

"Ugh. I don't even want to think about a mortgage."

"That's sort of my point. I'm ... okay, I won't use the words `settle down.' But it would be nice to have someone in my life, you know?"

"But we're having fun. We can still do that. Life doesn't have to be serious."

"We had a talk a few months into the two of us dating. Well, sleeping together. We did a lot. I had a great time with him. I ... I think I just wanted more."

"You wanted to be in a relationship."

"I did. Kris didn't like commitment. It's odd. We just did that for several months. We never used the word love to each other. I don't think I loved him. I think I wanted to love him, but he just wasn't there."

"Mitch! Mitch, I'm there. I'm ... I'm ... I'm coming!" he screamed out. It was his apartment, so I was slightly less concerned about his volume, but I still didn't want anyone to hear us.

Then his cum exploded in my throat. I gagged as it shot further in than I was expecting. I recovered, but he still came, missile after missile launched into my face. I sucked on his cock like it was the ultimate answer to my appetite. He was on his knees, thrusting into my mouth. Kris kept moaning post-orgasm. And I came. Cum drooled over my hand and onto my torso. It flowed in its warm stickiness. Kris continued to gently thrust in and out of my mouth, humming and moaning as I enjoyed my climax.

Kris got off me, licked cum off my body and then spread my legs with his hands and licked my hole with cum on his tongue.

"Alright. Alright. We've both come."

"I love your ass, Mitchell. I can't get enough of it."

I reached for a rag to clean me off.

Kris curled up next to me. His warm dick pressed into my hip.

"Did you see the new guy on the sixth floor?"

"There's a new guy? Damn. I'm never going to get moved up."

"Cooper. He's stunning. STUN-ning. Gorgeous blond. Too bad, though. He's married."

"What do I have to do to get a promotion?"

"You aren't even thirty yet. Give it another couple of years."

"Aren't you thirty?" I asked.

"I have no ambition to be in that position. I don't want to work late nights. I don't want the 5 a.m. phone calls from Tokyo. I hate making small talk with clients that I find dull. I like what I do, and I'm fine with that. I just get my work done, and everyone leaves me alone."

His face nuzzled into my cheek, and his lips gently kissed me.

"Except you. I'm glad you don't leave me alone."

He and I were different. I wanted promotions. I wanted a relationship. I wanted a mortgage. Fun was fun, but I needed more.

"Kris pointed out when Cooper joined the firm. We would comment on his looks, kind of long for him from afar."

"Did you know Cooper was gay?"

"No. He was married. Pictures of his wife and son were on his desk. Of course, that doesn't always mean anything. And in this case, it didn't. But that isn't necessarily true either. He loved Natalie. He was just burying his attraction to men."

"Did you help him ... unearth it?"

"Yes and no. Not intentionally. Kris kept telling me he would notice that Cooper would sometimes look at clients in meetings. Like in an ... attracted-to kind of way. I kept telling him, `No. He's married. Heaven knows I looked at Cooper in the meetings the two of us were both involved in.' Kris kept insisting. Eventually, Cooper's and my eyes met. That's all it took. There was the occasional glance and smile. It did make me wonder if Kris was right."

"And, obviously, he was."

"Yeah. Of course, once Cooper and I became a thing, Kris ended our friendship, indirectly."

"Explain."

"Cooper and I were seeing each other for several months, just over half a year, I think. Every now and then, when I was getting coffee, Kris would flirt with me in the break room. His hand would rub up my arm. He'd graze the backside of his fingers along my jaw when I had my beard shaved off. `I miss you,' he'd say."

"Did you miss him?"

"No. I wouldn't say Kris was jealous of Cooper, exactly. I think he was sort of mad that one of his playmates was gone. But like I said, we never said we loved each other. When I told him Cooper and I were starting to see each other, he got miffed. But he didn't fight for the two of us to stay together. That would demand too much of a commitment."

"You wrote down the words: Cooper's relapse. Tell me about this."

"Cooper had started AA. I was okay with that; I supported him. We seemed to have a good thing going. Our holidays were great. I had grown my beard back over the time away from work. Kris always liked it. It was early January. Kris stopped by my office. He started with small talk about his holidays. He told me of some parties he went to. He had gone to Indigo for New Year's Eve. He told me of the crowds and the dancing. I told him I did miss dancing. He moved closer. He told me he missed dancing with me. He said he missed me."

"What was going through your mind?"

"I guess I remembered those fun times. I momentarily focused on those. He told me he was glad I grew my beard back. His fingers gently felt it. I knew he was coming on to me. I told him I was with Cooper and that he knew that. But he kept saying how he missed me."

"What did you do?"

"I had no intention of kissing him or anything."

"What did he do?"

"He kept saying he missed me. He said that Cooper and I weren't living together yet, so the two of us should go out sometime. I told him I didn't think that could happen. Then his lips were on mine. I told him, `No. I'm with Cooper.' But he kept telling me he missed me and asking me if I missed him and the kissing and the rimming and the fucking. I kept saying that was in the past. He kissed me again. It was ... I admitted to myself that it was nice. I did miss Kris in my own way. But I didn't want to be making out with him. His hand brushed against my dick, which was getting hard. It just went on for a minute."

"And then?"

"Then Cooper walked in."

"I remember this now. You and I went out drinking that night. You were scared to death that you had ruined it."

"I was. Except I was blaming Kris for ruining it. Kris and I didn't talk after that. Not at all. I was so angry at him. When I found out that Cooper had taken a drink because of what he saw, I was destroyed. I couldn't believe I had done that to him. I was so mad at Kris. But I was mad at me too. It should never have gone as far as it did."

"Let me ask you this, Mitch. With that first instance, how on earth did you cheat on Cooper two years later?"

I buried my face in my hands. "Fuck!"

Logan didn't say anything further. He let me stew with his question.

"I don't want to say," I whimpered into my hands. "I was just so wrong. SO wrong. So wrong."

"Sounds like you have more to think about. We're at the end of our time, but we'll address this next week."

"You've already given me homework."

"It's okay to think on more things."

I sighed. Our next session was going to be brutal. But we'd finally work on what I'd done to my relationship with Cooper.

Our goodbyes were a little awkward and solemn.

When I got in my car, I didn't start the engine. I stared out the windshield to the trees on the horizon at the end of Smith Street. Not that I noticed them. I was in a trance. Kris. Cooper. Derek. Me. I didn't see how I could ever feel better. I had made such a mess of my life. Thank heavens I was seeing Kenneth later. That would distract me a little.

The session had stirred some hard feelings. I thought about Santos. I didn't have several serious "loves" in my life, but he had his own special way of loving me — and us loving each other. I pulled out my phone.

"Kind of random here, but I was thinking about you today." I texted.

"We haven't talked in a while. I hope you are well and that the restaurant continues to be a success." I followed.

There was no response. That didn't come as a big surprise as it was approaching dinner time. Santos would be working feverishly with his kitchen staff for the evening shift.

I didn't feel like much of anything for dinner. I was meeting Kenneth in a few hours. Fast food seemed meh, and it was too early. I drove to the grocery store and purchased a meal-for-one prepared entrée. At 5:40, I turned on the oven. I gazed at the weather forecast as I consumed Thai Curry Chicken and Jasmine Rice, not really remembering what was supposed to happen the next day weather-wise. I hadn't paid attention. My focus was dulled.

The full-length mirror in my bedroom served as my critic as I inspected my appearance. I kept on the navy-blue long sleeve I had worn to work, but I removed the slacks and changed into blue jeans.

I entered The Black Stallion at 6:45. Since I would be joined by others, I opted for a tall cocktail table near the bar. Both Layton and Carter saw me pull out a stool and waved.

"What can we start you with, Mitchell?"

"Just a draft, please. Tall one. Thanks, Layton."

Less than a minute later, a frosty schooner with a perfect head of foam was placed in front of me. I handed Layton my card.

"You don't want to hang with us at the bar this week?" he asked.

"I'm expecting a friend and his partner. I feel I can talk with them easier at a table."

"Fine. We'll watch for them to join you."

It was still early. The Black Stallion was a night club. Nothing in this part of town got busy until later.

I wondered how I would feel about seeing Kenneth again. He and I had only gone out a few weeks before he ended it. Could we pick up our natural comfort with each other again? Or would it just be strange? At least he agreed to meet me.

Shortly after 7, Carter came by to pick up my empty. "Want another?"

"I should wait for the people I'm meeting."

"If you order now, I can still sneak in happy hour prices."

"Okay, fine. Sure. Sold."

A minute later, another beer was in front of me.

"Who are you meeting tonight?"

"Old boyfriend."

"Ahhh. So, we are putting ourselves back out there, are we?" he smiled.

"He's bringing his partner. Husband actually."

"Oh. Will that be awkward?"

"I'm really not sure, Carter. But I'm eager to see him. We separated under unusual circumstances. It will be nice to see that he turned out okay."

He patted the table. "Well, good luck."

"Thank you, sir."

Kenneth and a beautiful blond man came in minutes later. I waved; they saw me. I smiled at Kenneth, and he smiled back. I stood and stepped into his open arms. "Look at you in a cowboy hat," I said. It was a warm hug.

"Mitchell, this is Graham. Graham, Mitchell."

The two of us shook hands.

They took their place on the other stools. Layton came over to get a drink order from them.

"My. He's handsome," Kenneth said.

"You're married to a good-looking blond. You don't need to look elsewhere," I jabbed.

"Thank you, Mitchell," Graham said, giving loving snark toward his husband.

There was a slight pause.

"It is so good to see you after all these years," I said.

"Same here. After you texted last week, I told Graham about you. I told him how I totally screwed you over."

"I wouldn't put it that way," I said.

"I would. You were so kind to me. You gave me my first gay experience, then I just ditched you trying to fake a straight life for my family's sake."

"I'm sure that was hard."

"It was hell. My ex, Sharon, was a nice woman. We were the type where we looked good on paper, but things just didn't ... work."

"Maybe because you're gay?" Graham said.

"Well, yeah. Right. I was introduced to Sharon by my family. We hit it off. She was nice. Pretty. I enjoyed her company. It all seemed like ... like what life was supposed to be. After a few months, I proposed. If I was going to choose that life, I was going to go all in. We were married about four months after that. Both families were thrilled. I felt like I was making them happy."

"Were you happy?" I asked.

"No. Miserable."

Layton sat down a frosted pilsner in front of Kenneth. Graham had a frozen margarita. No salt.

"Sharon got pregnant two months after we were married," Kenneth continued. "I thought maybe a baby would change things. Maybe it would make things all fall into place."

"Were you excited?"

"I guess I was. I love being a dad. But when the baby came, as much as I loved her, everything just seemed horribly wrong."

"What do you mean?" I sincerely asked.

"I was a lie. It just hit me that I was going to watch my daughter grow up and see me living a lie. My whole future looked ... wrong. I hated myself. When I made love to my wife ... I thought of you, Mitchell. I wanted to be having sex with you."

I looked at Graham to see if this was awkward for him. His expression was calm, as if he knew all this.

"I can't imagine what the inner conflict was like," I said.

"Hell. Sharon knew something was up. I tried to tell her I was fine, but when she started suspecting I was seeing another woman, I fessed up. I told her everything."

"That had to be hard."

"On both of them," Graham said. "When Kenneth and I met, he was coming out of the divorce. It was ... a tough time."

"I'm glad you were there," Kenneth said, giving a quick kiss to his husband.

"I'm just glad everything worked out for you," I said.

"Well ... I DID get shot."

"Oh my gosh. I know. That's horrible."

"I have Graham to thank for getting me through that."

"He was dealing with so much. The divorce. Both families had ostracized him. Figuring out custody and only getting to see Simone every other weekend. It was tough."

"But you were there."

"How are things with your ex-wife now?" I asked Kenneth.

"Not bad. She will never ever get over feeling betrayed. Deceived. But ... she knows there was no malice intended on my part. I think she knows of my struggles. I've never really seen her family much since. I'm not invited to family things with them. There was one birthday party when our daughter was 4. I was asked to attend. They didn't even attempt smiles."

"And your family?"

"It was a lot to deal with. Divorce. Me being gay. Distance from their grandbaby. But ... my parents were ... well, parents. They knew I was hurting. Parents don't want to ever see that. They supported me. In time, they have come to love Graham. They accept me. Deep down, I know they wish I weren't gay, but ... they accept that I am."

"You've dealt with so much," I said.

"It sounds like you have too," Kenneth said. "May I ask why you are in therapy? You don't have to answer that if it's too private."

I sighed. "I fucked up. Big time fucked up."

"We don't mean to pry," Graham said. "We can talk about something else."

"It's fine. My therapist is an old college friend. I knew I could confide in him. I've had a few men in my life that I've loved. This last one was the love of my life. And ... in a foolish mistake, I cheated on him. I have only myself to blame. It was so stupid. But I can't get past it. I don't see how I can ever be fine."

"Holy crap, Mitchell. I'm sorry."

"Again, it's all my fault."

"You're a kind man, Mitchell."

"And not bad on the eyes," Graham said. I gave him a small grin at his compliment.

"Everything good here guys?" Carter asked, putting a bowl of pretzels on the table. "Anyone need anything?"

"We're fine, Carter. Thanks, bud," I said. My friends nodded.

The three of us drank until almost 9. The club was getting busier and noisier, so it was harder to have a conversation.

"Are you fine to drive?" Kenneth asked. "I won't need to pull you over, will I?"

"You've had two!" I argued.

"Agreed. Obviously, I'm not on duty."

"How is it being a gay cop? Do the others accept you?"

"More than you'd think. I'll get teased just as friends would do, but no one holds anything against me."

"Nice." I stood up. "I'm fine. I'm glad I stopped when I did."

"I should have when you did," Graham said, gaining his balance.

"I'm only a few blocks from here. Not even a mile," I said.

Kenneth and I looked into each other's eyes. Had the timing been different, we could have been a good match.

"This really was nice. Thanks for meeting me. Thanks for digging out the hat."

"Thanks for giving me a reason to do so." Kenneth kissed me on the cheek. "Maybe we can do this again someday."

"For sure. It was great meeting you, Graham."

We all hugged. I went to pee as they headed to their car.

As I headed out, Carter called out to me. I stepped over. "So? How did it go? Was it okay?"

"It really was. I wouldn't say he was the `one that got away,' but we could have been good together. He had family issues. They didn't accept gay people, so he attempted the straight life."

"Ohhhhh, man. That's a hard road to travel. I've had my share of customers spilling their stories to me over drinks."

"And you don't take them home to console them?"

"I don't date customers. Or coworkers."

"You and Layton aren't doing it in the back room?" I joked.

"No." He paused. "But that's a story for another time."

Minutes later, as I pulled into the driveway, I felt I was hyper-vigilant about driving safely. Had I been pulled over, I'm not sure what kind of results a test would yield. I was probably over the limit, but I held liquor well. In my case tonight, beer.

I opened the fridge looking for nothing in particular. It occurred to me I was in a much better mood than when I left Logan's office. Was it Kenneth? Was it having new friends at the bar? Was it knowing things turned out okay for Kenneth? Was it the beer?

Whatever it was, I was glad to feel that way.

I wasn't sure if it was being with hot guys all night or the alcohol, but when I had accomplished any remaining tasks for the night, I crawled into bed horny.

Even though I wasn't dating — and hadn't for weeks — I didn't masturbate much. My thoughts would typically think of Cooper, which would destroy me mentally. As I thought of Kenneth and remembered his wonderful body, my cock got hard. Then I pictured him fucking Graham, and that got me fully erect. Then I pictured Layton, Carter and I — why??? — watching them fuck. We jerked off while the two of them made love. Five guys, five hard cocks. We all got on the one bed. Hands jerked, pelvises thrust. We took turns, coming on Graham's chest. Kenneth kept fucking his husband. After all three of us came, Kenneth growled. He came inside his partner. Graham came at the same time. All of us groaned or moaned or grunted. It was a chorus of naked, male masculinity. Looking down at Graham, his chest was splattered.

"UNGH!!" I grunted. I watched semen bubble up and flow from my hard cock. I enjoyed seeing the liquid drip over my fingers.

No one was watching. No one was with me. It was just me.

But I was overdue. It felt good.

—

I poured my first cup of coffee. I leaned against the kitchen counter, just in my boxers. I stirred cream into my coffee.

I heard a text come in. I went to the bedroom to get my phone. I thought 7:40 was a bit early for a text. Hopefully something wasn't wrong at work.

Holy crap! It was Santos.

"I was happy to see your text. When is a good time to call?"

I called him immediately.

"Hello. Mitchell?"

"Yes!"

"It's me, Teddy. Well ... Santos."

"I'm glad you replied back."

"I'm so glad you reached out, Mitchell." He paused. "I think of you often."

"Good things, I hope."

"There are no bad things when it comes to you, Mitchell."

"Oh, give me a few minutes. I can make you a list."

We chuckled for a moment.

"It is nice to hear your voice," he said.

"Yours too. How is the restaurant?"

"Doing well. It's a finicky business. Sometimes it can be unpredictable, but we have continuous good reviews and reservations are steady, so I'm pleased."

"I'm sure the food is extraordinary."

"I wish Chicago wasn't so far away. I'd love you and whoever your significant other is to come visit. I'd love to cook for you again."

"Well, right now, there is no significant other. I kind of messed that up."

"You will find someone else, Mitchell. You are a wonderful man."

"That's up for debate. I'm not sure if I'm worthy of finding someone else." I didn't want to spiral into a conversation about Cooper. "So, what about you? Are you with someone?"

"I am. We have been together three years."

"Wow. Good for you."

"After I had to leave you behind, I buried myself in work. I was hardly home. I wanted to prove to my father that I could make my own restaurant a success."

From what I remembered of Santos, that sounded exactly like him. "I'm sure he's proud."

"I believe so." Santos paused. "After a year, I was no longer worried. I was confident the restaurant was a success. It was then that I truly missed you. You came to visit me once. That night we made love, I felt we both knew we had moved to different places in our lives. I could never have asked you to come be with me after all that time had passed. But I missed you very much. Probably for a year."

"Wow. That's sweet."

"It's true. I often thought about calling you up and asking if you'd like to try living in Chicago, but I knew I was being selfish. It was all about me. That would not be fair to you. And as handsome as you are, I figured you had found someone else by then."

"I did eventually. We were good for a couple of years. Then we ... weren't good."

"I am sorry, Mitchell. You deserve to find someone worthy of you."

"No. I really don't. I kind of screwed it all up. But ... let's talk about you. Tell me about your man."

"His name is Dimitris. Believe it or not, we met at a restauranteurs conference. He has a Greek restaurant a few blocks from Lawrence Creek. We have similar schedules, similar lifestyles. We fit well."

"Do you still have sex with food?"

"You know me well, Mitchell. But that's typically early on. Or sometimes I find a special sauce to be particularly sensual. Food is passion. Food is love."

"You always could make recipes erotic."

"I will take that as a compliment. Thank you, Mitchell." He chuckled. "I realize it is morning and you need to get to your job. I just wanted to respond to your message. I was delighted to see it."

"It's great to hear your voice. Even though we are hours apart, please know I am still very proud of you. I'm happy everything is going so well."

"I appreciate that, particularly since my work just dramatically took me away from you."

"I understood."

"You always were very understanding, Mitchell. It was one of the things I loved about you most. There is someone out there for you. You will find the right person."

"I hope. Thank you, Santos. Call me again some time."

"I will."

We hung up.

Was the right person out there? I hoped so. But I wasn't worthy of anyone's love. I didn't deserve it.

* * * *

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com