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Chapter 6 - Comfort in the Waste Places
June 17 dawned early for Rian. Actually, dawn was still several hours away when he got out of bed. On his refrigerator calendar, June 17 was circled over and over. He'd tried to plan every nuance, anticipate every problem, and now the day was finally here. As prospects and probabilities became reality, Rian was surprised how nervous he was. The one thing he could not predict was what his feelings would be when he saw their place again. He tried to distract himself by focusing on Dylen. He constantly looked for ways to improve the trip and how to come out when the time came. These were things he hoped would bring him the joy and fulfillment he secretly longed for. But, always floating in the back of his mind, were the questions -- the questions that plague every person when they come out to someone they love. 'What if I'm wrong about Dylen? Will I drive him away? Will he be sad, angry, hate me?'
Rian collected a t-shirt and a pair of shorts out of his closet. He put the shorts on quickly, but as he started to pull the shirt over his head, he paused. He tossed it back on his bed and ran a hand over his tight abs. He felt the hard, unmoving, undulating bricks under his tanned skin. Rian was not one to admire his muscles very much -- not like this anyway. But, he hadn't reached this kind of definition in some time. Dylen's graduation changed him. He hadn't felt this vibrant, this alive, since he met Brock. It impacted every facet of his life, including his workouts. He'd had little success in shedding the extra pounds he collected before exams. But after his realization that Saturday morning, his focus, his intensity, everything he needed to get stronger gelled. Now, less than a month later, the dulling fat was gone and his exquisite physique was better than ever. He owed it all -- the way he felt, the way he looked -- to Dylen.
After a few moments admiration, Rian dropped the shirt in place and finished dressing. Then, he wandered into his apartment's open living room. The normally neurotically clean room was a disaster of scattered items. There were piles of clothes, gear, and other, more intimate, things he thought about packing but later discarded. He scanned the mess and decried the fact he had a terrible time preparing for trips. But, he decided he would clean up after he got home. He thought of a couple more items he needed in bed during the night. Once he collected them, he'd be ready.
Most of the extras - like a second bar of soap and a travel bottle of baby oil (his mother insisted he take baby oil on trips but he never understood why) -- all came easily to his hands. But, when he began to search the kitchen for an extra water bottle, he was stymied. 'Damn it,' he thought, 'Why is there always something I can't find?' Even though Rian knew he owned dozens of the little plastic bottles, it took almost five minutes to find one. Once found, he slid the empty container into a compartment in his backpack. 'That should be everything,' he thought. But, just to make sure, he started mentally checking off what he'd packed. Satisfied, he went to the living room table and picked up the most important items he was taking. He placed them safely between pairs of shorts in his duffel bag; then, he zipped the bag closed. No matter how much it hurt, Dylen deserved to know everything, come what may.
Rian took one last look around, threw his backpack across his right shoulder, and picked up the heavy athlete's duffle bag. His mind turned to happier concerns, and he locked the door behind him.
Dylen was so excited about leaving he was sure butterflies would keep him awake all night. But, Rian dealt with that worry easily enough. They worked legs the previous morning, and it was the first time Rian removed all the stops. Dylen worked harder than he had in years, and he finished every set perfectly. But, there were prices to pay for that kind of exertion. Dylen was so exhausted he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow that night. He slept so hard that if his father hadn't knocked on the door to wake him, Dylen would have overslept. As he rolled out of bed and stood up, he was greeted with a stiff yelp from his quads. Dylen winced as he walked around his room, trying to loosen his muscles. 'Oh boy,' he thought, 'This weekend's gonna hurt.' But, as sore and tired as he was, it was the most satisfying (and the most fun) workout since he started six weeks ago.
Dylen wandered into the bathroom and turned on the lights. He closed the door, and he stood for a moment looking at himself in the mirror. Watching his body change was something of a morning ritual now. In fact, he'd changed so much since the car accident everyone seemed lost for words. Beyond his new 'look,' he could see some of the effects his workouts were having. His shoulders looked a little broader, his chest ever so much thicker. His clothes lay differently on his frame. This morning revealed something new. As he breathed, he could see a hint of two upper abdominals just under the skin. Dylen thought he should be blowing up like a balloon with the sheer volume of food he was wolfing down. But Rian seemed to have a way of molding his body in ways he didn't think were possible. He couldn't escape the feeling he was being sculpted -- slowly, meticulously -- into something beautiful. Every good thing in his life - his new look, his new energy, his love - emanated from his relationship with Rian.
As he showered, his mind turned from the physical journey he was taking to the other, more important, one. 'I am gay.' He could hear the words in his head, and, at last, he could say it. The shadow hardly spoke to him anymore, and it when it did, Rian was always there to quash it.
He'd decided since his ordination that some of the things on the Church path were dishonest for him. He decided that he wasn't interested in a temple marriage or getting married period. He wasn't going to marry a girl he couldn't fully love, just to satisfy the Church, or his family. He couldn't bring children into a relationship based on lies. He would not only hurt himself; he'd hurt innocent people.
Staying single was one thing. He still didn't know how, or if, he would tell anyone else about his homosexuality. Could he really totally abandon his duty? His ancestors? His God? Those questions still tore at him. Still, he knew he'd passed the greatest hurdle. When he asked himself 'Who am I,' he could answer in part, 'I am gay.' And because of that, he knew the Church was wrong about people like him. He knew he wasn't worthless, and he never had been.
Rian opened his car to allow access to the trunk. Then, he looked back toward the Mason's front porch and yelled at Dylen. "You know, I've only got a small trunk. With all that luggage, you'd think I was taking all the Bronco's cheerleaders." Dylen trotted out with a large backpack and a pilot suitcase. He blushed unconsciously as Rian gave him a mischievous stare. Dylen didn't understand what it meant until he got to the rear of the Corvette and saw that Rian packed more than he did.
Dylen looked at Rian questioningly; then, Rian cracked up. Dylen knew he'd been taken in, and decided a little revenge was in order. As meekly as he could, he put the small suitcase in the car. Then, without warning, he raised up and took a swing at Rian with his backpack. Rian was caught totally off guard and stumbled backwards. Now, Dylen was laughing. "Looks like I'm not the only one who packs like a girl."
Dylen closed in for the kill when Rian held up his hands, "Okay. Okay. Guilty as charged. I surrender."
"And don't forget who's boss." Dylen said, trying his best to look intimidating. Just after they finished packing the car, the Mason's came out to say goodbye. Dylen squared his shoulders and turned on his teenage mental shield. He could tell his mom was in full doting mode.
"You two boys be careful now. Are you sure you have everything?" Kathi asked.
"Yes Mom." Dylen replied.
"Make sure you use sunscreen and drink a lot of water. That desert gets really hot." Kathi continued as if her son were three years old.
"I will," chimed Dylen's practiced response. He knew that if he didn't get out of here now, this would get embarrassing. With manipulation skills only a teenager possesses, Dylen expertly maneuvered his parents into letting go. With a few hugs and goodbyes, Rian and Dylen set off into the morning. Once they were on the road, Dylen sighed in relief, "I'm glad that's over."
Rian chuckled at he thought of his mom when he went on trips. He looked over to the passenger seat. "They never let you grow up do they?" Dylen's face started to redden again when Rian continued, "Don't worry. You can't imagine my mom when I go somewhere. Now, just sit back and don't think about anything except having a good time." Rian put on their favorite STP CD and pressed the accelerator. It was a long drive to Bryce Canyon, and Rian knew they needed to hurry if they were to make their check- in time.
The late afternoon sun was beginning to cast shadows. More than a few heads turned to see the unexpected sight of two good looking college guys in a top-down convertible take the final curve into Bryce Canyon National Park. On either side of the road, groups of tourists were hurriedly making their way from the park and ride lots to the commercial hotels outside the park boundary. But, as soon as they passed the entrance sign, the hordes disappeared, leaving the road strangely quiet. The car slowly drove until Rian saw a sign for the lodge turnoff. After taking the turn, Dylen and Rian emerged into a small clearing where the main lodge was located. They parked in an open space and Rian got out of the car. It would take only a few minutes to check-in, but Dylen was so tired of sitting that he went along just to stretch his sore legs.
Less than two minutes later, they emerged with keys and paperwork in hand. They grabbed their bags from the car and used a small map the clerk gave them to locate their home for the next few days. On the outside, the cabin was very simple, even rustic, but it was obviously well maintained. Once inside, Dylen saw that there were only two rooms. The largest was a bedroom dominated by a fireplace and two queen beds. Just to the left was a door concealing a simple bathroom. Rian and Dylen quickly deposited their bags and decided to take showers before they ate dinner. Since Rian drove the entire trip, he asked if he could go first. Dylen agreed.
After Rian disappeared, Dylen stepped out onto the small covered porch. It was after seven o'clock, and it was starting to cool. He enjoyed the chance to soak up the quiet calm that emanated from this place. Though the trip was less than a day old, Dylen already felt recharged, rejuvenated from his recent mental journeys. It was like the further he moved away from Denver, the freer and freer he felt. The trip itself had been wonderful, more than he could have dreamed. Rian was so perfect; Dylen's heart skipped every time he was Rian, and now, here, it was only more intense. This was his chance to be himself with his best friend and secret love, and he was determined to enjoy it to the full.
Dylen was lost in thought when he heard a sharp sound from behind. "Whoa!" Dylen turned to see Rian slide back into the bathroom. "Hey Dylen, close the door." Dylen stepped inside quickly and pushed the door shut. The bathroom door reopened and Rian emerged with only a towel around his waist. Rian smiled happily, that heart-melting smile Dylen had come to know was reserved for him. "You want me to flash the world?" Dylen tried to use all his senses to record this moment forever. Rian always worked out with a shirt on; so, until this moment, he'd not seen Rian's newly shredded physique. Dylen couldn't believe this veritable muscle god, someone that belonged on stage and on magazine covers, was his closest friend.
Rian outwardly appeared not to notice Dylen's reaction, but inside he was elated at the silent complement. He grabbed a pair of boxers and put them on under his towel. Rian bent over digging through his duffel bag, and Dylen started for the bathroom. Out of habit, he opened his pilot case to get out all his clothes. But, then, he paused. 'No,' he thought, 'I'm going to be myself this weekend, without inhibitions, without reservations. If Rian can dress in front of me, then I will dress in front of him.' But, before he could close the bathroom door, Dylen's newly developing mischievous streak got the best of him. He noticed Rian's round, firm butt upturned as he was rummaging. It was a wondrous sight for anyone, gay or straight. Dylen stuck his head out and let out a soft, slow wolf whistle. Rian turned around quickly, to see Dylen standing in the doorway giggling. Rian started laughing himself. He grabbed his towel from his bed and threw it hard at Dylen. Dylen's reflexes were fast enough to catch the towel in the air. To Dylen's now rather smug look of success, Rian said, "Oh, so you like me, big boy. Just wait 'til I'm finished with you."
Rian lunged at Dylen. He wrapped his arms around Dylen's waist in a light bear hug. Rian lifted a little, easily pulling Dylen off his feet, and carried him back into the bedroom. Dylen started struggling against Rian's grip, signaling that the impromptu wrestling challenge was accepted. They fooled around for a couple of minutes, with Rian allowing Dylen to gain the upper hand on occasion. Rian had huge advantages in every area -- strength, weight, knowledge, and experience. He could have destroyed Dylen in a second, but they were both enjoying the contact too much to stop.
But, finally, the "match" ended in the only way it could. Rian decided to take the kid gloves off, just a little. Dylen was tied up rather handily, when Rian spun him around and clinched his fists tightly across Dylen's stomach. Dylen was stunned to experience firsthand how fast Rian could move. It was less than a second before he felt an enormous pull from Rian's pumped arms. Struggling against Rian's superior weight and strength on sore legs was impossible. Dylen instantly collapsed to the floor. Rian maneuvered Dylen around and mounted his chest in a school-boy pin. He collected Dylen's still combative arms and used his leverage to press them above Dylen's head.
Dylen looked so shocked that Rian started laughing. But, under the laughter, Rian respected Dylen all the more. Though Dylen was clearly beaten, he was still trying to escape. Rian was surprised just how strong Dylen really was. He possessed two or three times Dylen's strength and superior position; but, it took a real effort to hold him down. After a few moments, Dylen realized the hopelessness of escape and stopped struggling. Rian immediately relaxed, just holding Dylen in the position. "Boy," Rian said, "I know you're not into sports, but I've gotta teach you something about wrestling. You'd be a show stopper."
Rian then went silent. There was a look in Dylen's eyes, a dreamy, sex-clouded look that aroused Rian immediately. Dylen didn't know what came over him. He wanted so much to reach out and touch the beauty in front of him. Rian let go of Dylen's arms and rose up from the dominating pin position. He loosely sat across the smaller man's torso. Rian knew he was getting hard and he thought he could feel Dylen getting hard under him. With his arms finally free, Dylen slowly moved his hands toward Rian's rhythmically pulsating abs. Rian's own hand started to move toward Dylen's exposed, taut chest. He almost gave into his desires to feel Dylen but conscious thought finally grabbed him. 'No,' Rian thought, 'Not like this. When this happens, it's gonna be right. Everything's gotta be in the open."
Rian withdrew and quickly stood. He used a vaguely reasonable excuse. "If we don't get to dinner soon, we'll miss out all together."
Dylen recovered himself and stood, looking a little hurt. 'Did I go too far?' he thought.
Rian saw it and immediately consoled Dylen. His voice was quiet and soothing as he grabbed Dylen around the shoulder. "Seriously, I'm glad you noticed what I look like. I sort of owe it to you anyway. I haven't been like this in quite a while, and that's thanks to you being with me in the gym. Don't feel bad." Rian's smile reemerged. "I don't." Dylen's crestfallen look perked up when he saw that Rian wasn't uncomfortable, and he went to take his own shower.
After the door closed, Rian let out a breath of relief. He quickly finished dressing and grabbed the hidden items out of his bag. He had just enough time to run these to the car and hide them before Dylen's shower was finished. Rian didn't want Dylen finding these things before he was ready. After what just happened, he was sure Dylen was gay. But, if there was anything he'd learned about his best friend (and maybe more), it was that he was just beginning to find some kind of peace. Finding these in the wrong way could be a disaster. He wanted Dylen to have that little island of peace for as long as possible before the inevitable came.
By the time Rian got back from the car, Dylen was out of the shower and dressing. "Hey. Where'd you go?" Dylen asked.
"Out to the car for a second. No biggie. Come on, I'm starving."
Dylen finished lacing his shoes. As he stood, the both noticed they chose their clothes well. Both of them looked great. Rian stared at Dylen this time, feeling that same urge building. It was becoming something they couldn't resist much longer. "I thought you said you were hungry." Dylen said. They closed the cabin door and took the path the lodge restaurant, animatedly talking about what they were going to do this weekend.
"God. I'm stuffed." Rian said.
"You're stuffed. You made me eat as much as you. I think my stomach blew open ten minutes ago." Dylen replied. Rian pushed the lodge door open, and they emerged into a glorious red-orange sky. Despite thoroughly overeating, dinner had been magnificent. The wait staff was the same age as Rian and Dylen; so, there was no shortage of good natured flirting. Rian, having literally thousands of passes made at him over the years, was a master at it. Dylen didn't have Rian's gift for words, but his innocent demeanor seemed to attract even more attention than Rian's overt sex appeal. For the meal, Rian ordered bourbon glazed steak and Dylen selected trout almandine. When the waitress brought over the dessert menu, Dylen was going to refuse, but Rian beat him to the punch. He ordered two Tiramisu's. Rian told him that this had just a little Kahlua in it, but he knew Dylen, lacking of a sharp sweet tooth, would love it. Dylen thought over eating something with coffee liqueur in it, but he knew most of his Church friends had a lot more than that in their lives. Even his devout parents would occasionally have a dessert with alcohol in it. He decided to do it, and he wasn't disappointed. It was the best dessert he'd ever eaten.
They were walking back to their cabin when Dylen asked something that had been bothering him since they'd gotten here. "You keep telling me about Bryce Canyon, but it just looks like a lot of trees on a desert mountain. What's so special about this place?" Rian saw in his memory a fall evening with Brock. He knew exactly why it was special to him, but again, that time was not yet.
"Come on. Let me show you." Rian said. Dylen followed him down a small concrete path scattered with dirt. The trees around the lodge and cabins fell behind as they approached the canyon rim. Dylen still could not see anything special until they reached the very edge, where there were a few benches and an observation deck on a rock pinnacle. The view that opened before Dylen's eyes was the most beautiful desert landscape he'd ever seen. The canyon floor looked like it was covered in sand dunes, the way people picture the Sahara. But these dunes were not golden sand colored but were a deep red. Arising from the sand were hundreds of red and white rock spires. They were in an almost regular order, like a standing petrified forest. In the glow of the now pink sunset, the stone's colors were accented even more. Dylen felt serenity envelope him. This place felt warm, inviting, a place where people can to feel the love of the universe.
"This is what's so special." Rian said after a few minutes taking in the view himself. 'This goes on for miles. And from the top of the mountains at the end of the canyon you, can see 200 miles on a clear day. I've seen the Grand Canyon from there."
Dylen looked at Rian. "I've never seen anything like this. Thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. I . . . I."
Rian grabbed Dylen's hand. "I've told you before. I'm the one who's thanking you." They sat on one of the benches watching a brilliant moon rise in the fading glow of the sun. The entire time, whether someone passed them or not, they never let go of each other.
The door to the cabin burst open. Dylen and Rian staggered through and dropped their packs. They just finished their third day of hiking and sightseeing. It was Sunday and tomorrow the trip would be over. They made it inside as far as Rian's bed, the closest one, before they collapsed side by side. Both of them lay quietly breathing for a few minutes, totally exhausted. Finally, Rian said, staring at the ceiling, "Well, did you enjoy your graduation present?"
Dylen replied with a simple "Yeah." He was too tired to put very much enthusiasm into his response. He explored one of the most idyllic places in the world this weekend, and he did it with the greatest person he'd ever met. His love was for Rian was complete. 'If I died tonight,' Dylen thought, 'at least I've had one good time in my life.'
Rian rolled and propped up on one elbow. "Dylen?" He tried so hard to make things go right. He couldn't gauge from Dylen's response what he was thinking.
Dylen managed a tired smile. "Rian. This has been the best weekend I've ever had."
Rian heartened at the words and said, "I'm glad. Well, it's my turn for the shower first. See ya in a minute." Rian rolled off the bed and wandered into the bathroom. Dylen continued to lay on the bed thinking. It really had been marvelous. Something about this place, about lying here with Rian, felt so right. But, there was more than that. He felt something all weekend, just under the surface. It seemed alive, a spirit longing for them to be together. Being near Rian, touching him, smelling him here where he'd slept the last few days, listening to water he knew was dripping over Rian's sweaty, tired body. Dylen grabbed his cock and slowly started stroking it, a tear in his eye for what he longed for but couldn't bring himself to say.
In the bathroom, Rian was just as preoccupied. He'd searched everywhere for the right moment to tell Dylen about himself, about Brock, but it never appeared. But, he knew that wasn't exactly true. There were times, plenty of them. But so many places here reminded him of his first love, so many times he wanted to cry but couldn't. Some thing, some feeling, was urging him to say something. But, he resisted out of fear. He had one more chance. Tonight. He'd have to do it tonight.
Rian got out of the shower and dried himself. He left the bathroom, grabbed a pair of boxers, and put them on. Dylen, although no longer stroking himself, barely moved from Rian's bed. "Hey pokey. It's your turn, or do you want to sleep in my bed all night?"
Dylen really didn't want to leave, but he replied with an "Okay." He was starting to get up when a blinding flash of pain ripped through the back of his left thigh. Dylen unconsciously sucked in a loud breath. He grabbed at the back of his leg, collapsing again on Rian's bed. A peal of torture arose from Dylen's mouth. Rian jumped up instantly from his duffel bag and rushed to Dylen's side. "What is it?"
Dylen managed to say, "Cramp" between sharp inhales.
Although he was once quite prone to them, Rian's conditioning made it so that cramping was now quite rare. He barely thought about them. But, with the hard workout Wednesday, being stuck in the car Thursday, and three days of rather strenuous hiking in summer heat, Rian knew Dylen was lucky to have lasted this long without one. Rian slid up on the bed and touched Dylen's hands. "Let me see." The trainer voice was back - firm and commanding, but loving. Dylen hesitated, frozen in pain, but he trusted Rian enough to let go. Rian instantly took the leg and lightly felt up and down. There were small knots and spasms everywhere he touched, but in the hamstring there was a massive, convulsing twist. He could tell this one was bad. For a split second, he was furious with himself for not taking better care of Dylen, for not anticipating this. But, now he had the chance to make up for it.
"Hold on. I'll be back in a second." Dylen nodded understanding, and Rian let go. He grabbed his towel and ran into the bathroom. Rian wet down the towel in the shower and came back to Dylen's side. He lightly wrapped the cloth around Dylen's thigh and said, "I'm gonna loosen the cramp. This is gonna hurt worse for a minute." He then took Dylen's leg firmly and began to stretch the muscles. Dylen was fighting back tears as the pain increased. His contorted muscles were fighting against Rian. Rian was gentle but methodical, applying pressure and then relaxing slightly. Pressure, relax, pressure, relax. It took several minutes, but, finally, Rian felt the resistance in Dylen's hamstring abate. Dylen was breathing more slowly, a sign of relief from the agony he was in. Rian kept up the stretching pressure while he moved his left hand back to Dylen's leg. He still felt the hard knot. It was looser than it was, but it was still there. Rian explored a little more, tracing Dylen's quads and up to his calf. Tension seemed to be everywhere.
"Is that better?" Rian asked, stopping his exploration.
"Yeah. I've never had a cramp like that. Thank you."
"It's my fault. I shouldn't have driven you so hard the last few days, especially after a new workout you're not used to and then sitting immobile for a day. It'll probably get worse tomorrow going home. But . . ." Rian had an idea. Maybe he could make up for it and make up for Thursday too. 'Maybe there's a way to keep that from happening."
"How?" Dylen asked.
"Take off your shirt and shorts." Rian said. Dylen looked rather funny, but Rian said, "Trust me." Dylen trusted Rian with his life; so, that simple assurance was all he needed. With some difficulty and more minor twinges from his legs, Dylen succeeded in taking off his clothes, stripping to his boxers. Rian helped maneuvered Dylen onto his back, positioning him in the center of the bed. Rian reached into his toiletry bag for his mother's baby oil. Every time he'd hauled this stuff for nothing was made up for in this instant.
"Now, just close your eyes and relax."
Rian positioned himself on the bed where he could easily reach Dylen's legs. He squirted a dollop of oil into his hands and applied it to the quivering muscle. Then, he began to slowly massage Dylen's knotted body. His thumbs started at Dylen's ankles and slowly worked their way up. Then, they slowly glided back down. He gently kneaded and wrung every muscle, attending to every knot, every twist, until he felt it release and melt back into the supple denseness of Dylen's lower body. When he finished with the legs, Rian moved up and positioned himself to work Dylen's back. He repeated the process of rubbing, kneading, and relaxing his love.
Rian leaned down and whispered into Dylen's ear. "Just let go." Dylen remembered the words from his dream weeks ago. What he was feeling right now put those meager musings to shame. He'd never felt anything more relaxing or erotic in his life. Rian's strong hands seemed to be everywhere and nowhere, firmly and softly caressing him all over. Every tension he'd built up over the last year seemed to drain away into Rian's hands. Every worry, every doubt, every agonizing moment in Church and at home dissolved. Rian magically replaced them with all the warm, tender moments they'd had together. Dylen felt like he was flying. His dick was totally hard, as he reveled in the sensations his own ministering angel was freely giving him.
Dylen barely noticed when Rian turned him over so that he was face up. His cock tented his boxers, nearly bursting out. But, Dylen didn't care; he was too lost in his love to care. For his own part, Rian couldn't help feel something in his own hard member. He'd never seen Dylen fully naked. Even covered as it was, he could tell that Dylen had some size to him. As with most things he'd learned about Dylen, there was more to him than his thin frame and unassuming demeanor would betray. Rian briefly thought of how much he'd love to go after it. But, he was taking just as much pleasure in helping Dylen feel so good.
Rian focused on the chest next, rubbing slow, overlapping circles across Dylen's thin, but defined pecs. Rian's hands swirled up and down, back and forth. He lingered over Dylen's small taut nipples for a moment, causing a small whimpered moan to escape Dylen's lips. Rian smiled as he descended to Dylen's tight abdomen. Careful not to cause tickling, Rian whirled across the tight stomach; then up and down the entire torso. Dylen purred contentedly and this only encouraged Rian. He traced Dylen's arms and hands, giving each individual finger attention. He repeated the leg massage for the quads and shins before he touched Dylen's feet. He worked them for a long time with firm round thumb strokes. Finally, Rian rolled Dylen over on his stomach again, so he could attack the shoulders. He slowly worked out and back until he focused on the base of the neck, finishing the massage.
Rian rose up from his working posture and laid his hands lightly on Dylen's back. "Well, how was that?"
Dylen opened his eyes and smiled the smile of sexy contentment that made Rian love him so much. "You can do that anytime you want." Dylen purred. Rian took the bed covers and pulled them over Dylen's frame, tucking him in. Rian would have fought off whole armies to keep Dylen feeling this good. "Just go to sleep here. I'll get you up for a shower in the morning."
"What time is it?" Dylen asked
"9:30." Dylen couldn't believe it. He'd spent an hour and a half under Rian's wonderful care. He wished it would go on forever, and, somehow, as if Rian were plugged into his thoughts, Rian's hands returned to his exposed neck. He felt Rian's thumbs gently caressing him until he fell asleep. --- Rian felt slow, rhythmic breathing and several small twitches in Dylen's body. Dylen was asleep. Rian leaned down and gently kissed the top of Dylen's head. "I love you." he faintly whispered.
Darkness enveloped Bryce for many hours, but Rian found no sleep. He lay on top of Dylen's bed full of remorse and guilt. He hadn't done it. The whole reason he planned this trip was gone. He failed. He retrieved the items after Dylen fell asleep, and as he lay there, he held them together. Despite being too dark to really see them, he didn't need to. He'd long since memorized every pen stroke, every shade of color. For the first time, he felt both of the men he loved together in one place. The air was so thick with Brock's presence it was almost smothering. And there, innocently asleep was Dylen. He'd betrayed them both, the memory of one and the trust of the other. He got up from the bed and lay the articles down on the covers. Rian opened the cabin door, stepped out onto the porch, and sat down on a porch rail, lost to everything.
Dylen was dreaming of Rian when a feeling he would never be able to explain - perhaps a touch so light it wasn't there, maybe a quiet voice, a whisper in the dark -- roused him. Falling asleep to Rian's ministrations was the cap to a perfect weekend. He felt utterly content until now. His eyes flipped open to unease, like he felt, more than heard, a distant plea for help. Dylen rolled over to look where Rian should be only to find the opposite bed empty. It wasn't even slept in. But, Dylen could see something placed on top. Curious and worried, he got up and walked quietly to the other bed. He picked up the items and looked at them carefully. One was a piece of folded paper. It looked like a handwritten letter, but it was too dark to read. The other was familiar. From what Dylen could make out, it was that picture from Rian's desk at his parent's house. He studied it as best he could, searching for why it seemed more familiar than it should. Then, the light bulb went off. He finally knew where this was taken. It was right here, in this park. He and Rian went to that overlook just yesterday. Rian was very quiet as they stood there looking. Dylen knew it was somehow familiar then, but he couldn't pry anything out of Rian.
Dylen picked up the letter and went into the bathroom, snapping on the mirror light. While small and dim, it provided enough light to read by for Dylen's dark adjusted eyes. The script was precise and fluid.
Dear Rian,
By now, you'll know what's happened. I tried to make sure that this got to you as soon as I could, but I couldn't take the risk of leaving it for you openly. I hope that you can understand. I just couldn't say goodbye without telling you the truth. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving you with a lie. No matter what things might have looked like, know that this isn't your fault. No matter what troubles we may have had recently, my time together with you has been my anchor in a sea of storms. You are so nice, so beautiful to me, for me, that I can never tell you how deeply I love you.
But, I'm not like you. You are so brave, so strong, and I am such a coward. I just can't face what you did with your parents. My family would never understand. The world hates us, and I just can't face the lies, the slurs, the fury of the outside without them. I couldn't bear it if the people who were doing those things were my parents. I can't choose between you, the people I love with all my heart. Leaving is the only choice I could make.
Please don't tell my parents the truth. They could never handle it. If any part of you loves me, please keep me, keep us, a secret from them. I don't want to cause them, or you, any more pain.
Please know that I love you always. You know my favorite quote, the one your dad gave me that day. I would only cause you to creep when you are meant to soar. You are destined for great things Rian May, places and paths I can not follow. I wish with all my heart that I could, but I can't.
Even though the path will be rocky and lonely sometimes, I know there is someone out there for you. Please find him. I will smile from a happier place as you soar above the clouds, above the whole world, with the one who can soar with you. Don't blame yourself. I had to do this. Don't forget me. Brock
Dylen was physically shaking by the time he finished the letter. What felt so right just a few hours ago was a jumble of senseless thoughts. 'Rian couldn't be gay, could he? And why bring me here to this place?' A focus of anger locked in Dylen's heart. Whoever this . . . this Brock is, he must have left Rian. And now, he, Dylen, was what? A rebound . . . a replacement . . . an excuse to resurrect an old flame. Heart broken and in shock, Dylen stumbled out of the bath and toward the front door, the letter still in his hand. He needed air. He turned the knob and pulled the door open.
The black sky was just beginning to lighten, signaling the impending dawn. Rian was staring into a blackness that matched his empty heart when he heard the cabin door snap open. He turned slightly, and was surprised to see Dylen. Dylen's face was contorted, and his step was unsure as he met Rian's gaze. Rian was about to ask what was wrong when he saw the letter. 'Oh my God,' Rian thought, 'Please not like this.' Instinct took over, and Rian dove for the letter. He snatched it whole out of Dylen's hands. Rian looked up, and he saw in Dylen's face the same expression he saw in the middle of that distant highway a lifetime ago. He didn't know what to make of it. Was Dylen confused, upset, angry, or worse? His next words came purely out of desperation. "Dylen. Dylen. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
By now, Dylen's anger gripped him fully. He felt violated. That remolding feeling he kept having. Was it Rian trying to recast him into someone else? He was as angry at himself for letting Rian into his heart as he was at Rian. Propelled by noxious feelings, Dylen lashed out furiously. "You can say that again. I thought I knew you, but I guess I don't know you at all, do I? What am I supposed to be? Just some substitute project for this guy who dumped you? Some way to keep your self entertained until the next boyfriend comes along."
Dylen's words cut Rian more than any weapon could have. He recoiled from the icy emotionless fury in them. He pled, "Please Dylen. It's not what you think. Please give me a chance to explain."
Dylen was usually one never to trust again after the first violation, but something in him wanted to hear the truth. If for nothing else, he wanted to know how far he'd been suckered in. He spun on his heels, threw open the door, and sat on his bed. Rian meekly followed, turned on the lights, and collapsed on his own. They sat opposite each other, Dylen staring coldly at Rian. Rian looked away and began to nervously wring his hands, wrestling with how to do it. But there was no time for that. Maybe he'd ruined everything, but he owed Dylen the truth. If these were the last words they ever shared, at least they'd be honest ones.
"His name was Brock Lassiter, and until this moment no one except my parents ever knew about him. I . . . I'm gay, Dylen. I guess you know that from the letter. I've only known myself for a few years now. I tried to deny it. I tried to runaway from it. I even had sex with girls to try to ignore it, or fix myself, or whatever, but I couldn't. I finally grew to sort of accept who and what I am, but I'd never been with another guy. Until him.
"We met when I moved to CU. We lived on the same floor in the dorms. I don't even know how it happened. We sort of hit it off as casual friends, and then we started to hang out together. It was so gradual when we fell in love. But, God, I loved him so much. I guess you figured out that this was our place, this park. We came last fall and stayed for a weekend. We told each other how we really felt here. I . . . I made love, not empty sex, but real love, for the first time here with him."
Dylen was floored by these revelations, but hearing the remorse in Rian's voice was softening his heart. As the anger subsided he thought more clearly. 'Why is he always referring to this Brock in the past tense?' Then another, even more horrible, possibility occurred to him. 'Oh, no. That letter could be a . . ." Dylen's formerly cold heart burst. 'What have I done?'
"What happened?" Dylen softly whispered, choking with regret for his outburst.
"I wanted us to come out. I got tired of loving in the shadows. But, Brock was against it. He was afraid. His family is very traditional, and he said they would disown him. He'd never been comfortable with being gay and was just starting to work it out for himself. I insisted that we at least needed to tell my parents. We came out to them at Christmas, and although they didn't understand it, things went okay. Mom has a lot of gay social contacts and Dad knew some gay gym guys he respected. That helped soften things, I guess. So, I started pushing Brock harder and harder to come out. We started fighting over it. After a couple of months, I was fed up. I told him that I didn't want to see him anymore if we couldn't be honest with his parents."
By now Rian's voice was quivering. Dylen got up and moved to Rian's side, trying to comfort him. Rian slumped into Dylen, like he was trying to draw strength for what he was about to say. "For several days after that he called and left messages on my cell and in my dorm, but I ignored them. Then his roommate stopped by and asked if I'd seen Brock lately. He said Brock had gone home for the weekend, but it had been four days and he hadn't come back. I called Brock's parent's house and the answering machine said they were skiing. I thought Brock must have been with them. But, the next day there was another message on the machine. Brock sounded so calm. But it wasn't calm; his voice was detached. He told me he'd miss me, and he said goodbye.
"I got a really bad feeling. Something kept gnawing at me like he was going to do something awful. I got in my car and drove to his house. It felt like it took forever, and when I got there, the door was open." By now, Rian was crying, staring into space as he relived the few minutes that changed him forever. Dylen moved closer. "I yelled in their house for someone, but there was no answer. I went upstairs to Brock's room, but the door was closed. I knocked and knocked but there was no answer. Finally, I opened the door." Rian was shaking as he finally allowed another human to know the truth of what happened next. "He was laying there splayed out on his bed. There was a gun in the floor and blood on the walls and there was this . . . this smell in the air . . ."
Rian's voice trailed off into loud sobs and Dylen hugged the great man tightly. All he could think of to say was, "It's okay Rian. It's okay."
Rian pulled up, now angry at himself. "No, it's not. You don't know what I did. Brock planned it all from the time I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He'd gotten crack and heroin from somewhere and made it look like it was some kind of drug thing. The police investigated, but it was obvious to them what happened. So, they didn't try very hard. They talked to me for ten or fifteen minutes max. My mom used the family clout to get the police to eliminate my involvement from the reports.
"Don't you see? I buried the . . . the only man I ever loved. I stood there at the funeral. I carried his casket to his grave, his family thinking how good and brave I was. But, I let them all think he died because of drugs, like some kind of criminal. I knew the real reason, but I didn't say a word. I got that letter. He must have mailed it the day he died. I did exactly what he wanted. I've never told anyone until now. But . . . I drove him to it. If I hadn't have been so hard, so stupid, if I hadn't pushed him away, he'd be here. He wouldn't be dead. He was looking for a way out of his pain, and all I did was drive him to die." Rian was nearly convulsing with sadness and fury at himself.
Dylen finally understood everything. At long last, to save more pain from the man he loved, the urge to tell his own truth was too strong. He turned Rian's face toward his own and looked into his eyes. Rian's were not the only one's moist with tears. "No. No, you didn't. I never knew Brock, but I . . . I know exactly how he felt. I've thought about doing it too. I might even have done it that night you found me on the road. But, you saved me. I'm caught just like he was. No one, no group, no thing in my world will ever allow me to have what my heart wants. The only time I ever feel free is when I'm with you. You're the best person, the most beautiful person, I've ever met. He loved you and you loved him. And love is the most precious thing anyone can have." Rian's hand came up and covered Dylen's hand. Dylen's eyes softened even more. Those glowing eyes reflected the whispered words, "It's the only thing I . . . I have left."
Through all the pain of the moment, the pull of the love between them was still there. Both of them grew quiet as they finally allowed it to guide their actions. They moved closer . . . closer . . . closer. Still holding each other, their lips touched. The kiss was unsure at first, tentative, but after a moment, a flood of repressed emotions unleashed within them. Their arms wrapped around each other and the kiss became impassioned. Their tongues danced feverishly in each other's mouths. But even more than the physical connection, their very souls seemed to merge in that moment. The hollows, the heart- rending terrors of their lives faded, and for a moment, pure bliss swept away all the pain and heartache. For the first time, they felt complete, as if they had become one being. They stayed there, frozen in the moment, frozen in passion, as the first rays of dawn swept above the horizon.
Neither Rian nor Dylen spoke very much on the way home. The radio played music to dispel the silence but neither of them were really listening. The enormity of it all -- the kiss, the feelings they shared, Rian's confession -- were just beginning to sink in, especially to Dylen.
As the car approached Denver and the sphere of influence of his home, Dylen began to feel the weight of his imposed responsibilities -- his family duty, the hands on his head -- crushing him, tearing at him more and more. From his mind, he heard the almost forgotten shadow's voice ringing clearly, "What have you done?"
It was quiet at the Mason farm when they turned into the driveway. It was 11:30 pm and the lights in the house were out. Rian suspected the Masons were asleep; so he shut off his headlights and quietly pulled up to the house. Rian turned the ignition off, and they both got out. It only took a moment to get Dylen's case and backpack out of the trunk.
They spent a few seconds just looking at each other, searching for words. Finally, Rian said, "Dylen. I don't know what to say." He stepped close to Dylen, the overwhelming pull guiding them into each others arms. "I just know that I love you." They kissed again, as passionately as the first time so many hours ago. They felt it all over again, the love, the connection. But, this time, Dylen also felt the hands, the eyes of his family, the edicts of the Church. He felt naked, just like in the dream. He could hear his father calling him an abomination, shouting that he was no longer a son.
Dylen wrenched himself away with tears rolling down his cheeks. He was panicked. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No matter how much I want this I can't. I just can't have it. I'm so sorry." Dylen grabbed his two bags and ran for the assumed safety of his house. But, he was running from everything, from his heart, from his desires, from his love, leaving Rian confused and alone in the dark.