Chapter 4 - The Shadow of Changing
"OK, Dylen. You owe me three more and we'll call it a day," Rian said. Dylen sighed in exhaustion. He couldn't help it. He was no stranger to a hard day's work around the farm, but Rian seemed to have a gift for proving what working a muscle to exhaustion really meant. He felt so weak now he could sympathize with an infant trying to hold its head up. And Rian said he was taking it easy until Dylen gained some experience. At first, Dylen couldn't fathom that idea. But, he learned just how true it was the first time he spotted for Rian. Dylen thought he knew what brutality was until he witnessed Rian's leg workout last week. But, what struck Dylen most was what was happening to himself. Even though he was sore and tired for a while after each session, he'd wound up feeling better physically than at any time he could remember. It didn't make sense that exhausting yourself could make you feel better later on, but Dylen learned it was true. 'Maybe it's just being around Rian,' Dylen rationalized.
Dylen reclined to horizontal to perform his last set of pyramid bench presses. There was only 145 pounds on the bar, and both trainer and trainee knew he could lift heavier weights. (When they proved that their first Saturday together, no one was more amazed that Dylen himself.) But, Rian had told him that he wouldn't let him go much heavier that his bodyweight until he'd learned proper form. Rian was always reminding him that he had a seven year head start, and he shouldn't rush things. It wouldn't be long before he was comfortable with weights he couldn't dream of yet. Still, as he positioned himself, Dylen recalled seeing Rian curl this much weight as if it were nothing the day they first worked arms. He had heard the expression 'exploding biceps' before, but nothing had prepared him for the sight of Rian's 17+ inches exploding in the flesh.
With Dylen once again in place, Rian reassumed his mantle of trainer/coach/cheerleader. >From his spotting perch directly behind the bench, he looked down into Dylen's sweat- coated face. "Remember, you're not trying to throw up quick, sloppy reps. Control and form builds quality muscle, and it keeps you safe. In bodybuilding, the way you perform an exercise is at least as important as how much weight you're doing it with. Now, what's first? . . . Good, feet on the floor, butt on the bench. Now, pull your shoulder blades in like I taught you. Feel the stretch across your chest-Arch your back just a little. That's it. Now, lift up the bar and adjust. Excellent.
"Now slowly, controlled as you go down. Good. Just touch the chest. Up slow. Control it. Squeeze the muscle. Feel what you're doing. Fantastic. I know you're tired, but you've got two more in you. Come on. Man you did that one clean. Perfect.
"Last one. Stay focused. Keep control. No, don't rush it. Now, push that bastard up." As soon as he heard Rian say "push," Dylen felt the last bit of energy in his body seep away. He hit the wall -- hard. The bar was rising, but its progress was slowing. Rian reached out and lightly touched his fingers to the bottom of the bar. He wasn't really providing a spot, but more of a confidence booster. He knew Dylen was capable of doing this even though he was tired. Just then, Dylen hit the sticking point, that spot every weightlifter knows and dreads. His progress halted. He was struggling to do everything Rian had taught him to do, but it wasn't working. Dylen didn't think he could go anymore. He was so tired, and he'd worked so hard for so long already. Quitting with half a rep to go wouldn't be so bad, he thought.
He was almost ready to give up when he heard Rian angrily yell at him. "I know you can beat that. Quit fucking around and just do it."
Rian's words uncorked something inside Dylen. He'd never experienced it outside of playing music before. There was always a time, when he playing well, when the whole world fell away until all that was left was his hands and his sound. His playing became that much better when it happened. Now, the same thing started happening here. He forgot all about the little things he'd been concentrating on. He could tell they were happening by the feelings in his body. But, his mind clamped down on the bar and on his body. The minutiae of outside world fell out of focus. A calm, determined concentration draped across his still pained face. He poured all his will into his arms and chest, commanding them to push harder. His aching muscles screamed in protest as he released a loud yell, but Dylen felt the bar's resistance breaking. It began to move upward again. Dylen started grinning despite the pain as he felt his arms lock out. Rian's hands had dropped away, but now they returned and helped him guide the bar back into its starting position. The clang of metal on metal signaled success, and Dylen's arms dropped. He practically bounced up into a seated position, and only then did his surroundings returned.
"Fuckin' Awesome!!" Rian said through a smile as broad as Dylen's. Rian moved around to an adjacent bench so that he could face Dylen. He'd seen the change in expression on Dylen's face, the look of determination that makes you stronger than you think you can be. He knew instantly what was happening and began a silent celebration. As Dylen was conquering the weights for the first time, Rian remembered the first time he'd beat the iron by sheer force of will. The rush that comes when you defeat the plates, the rush that Dylen was feeling now, was like no other feeling in the world.
Rian was so proud of his new protege that he could barely contain his excitement. He reached over and clasped Dylen's arm and shoulder, shaking him in congratulations. Dylen looked at him straight on, and as he did, Rian saw it. The fire of success, the light of determination, was burning in Dylen's eyes. It was so riveting in Dylen's otherwise soft features that it took a moment for Rian to regain the power of speech. Finally, he said, "No one could have done that any better. That's why you were born to do this."
Their celebration was interrupted by an unexpected light clapping. It was coming from the door leading out to the rest of the basement. The young men looked up from each other to see Rian's dad standing in the doorway. Despite being in his mid 40's, Kevin May was still a bull of a man. He used the extensively equipped gym in the basement of his home virtually everyday. His drill-sergeant like bass voice boomed across the room as he approached. "Rian said you were doing good, especially not to have even lifted a dumbbell before. I thought he was just telling tales, but Dylen, you've really got the drive in you." Kevin extended his hand. The thick paw of the 6'4", 260 pound giant totally swallowed Dylen's hand.
"Doing good? When's the last time either of you had a hard time with 140 pounds on a bench press?" Dylen asked.
Kevin glanced over to his son and was greeted with a look from Rian that said, 'I've tried. Maybe he'll listen to you.' So, Kevin took up the challenge. "If you want to know the truth, the last time I benched 140 pounds was a long time before either of you were born. But, that doesn't matter. I've seen a lot of men in the gym in my time - big ones, little ones, every kind of shape and size you can think of. And believe me when I tell, you most of them can't do what you just did. Your average Joe on the street can't manage to bench their own body weight for a single rep. And many of those who can either struggle to do it sloppily, or they do it so fast they get no benefit from it at all. You've only been working on it for a few sessions, and not only are you benching your body weight, you're doing it with good form and with control. What you just did is what separates the successful and the dedicated from the fly-by-nights. That shows real strength. You're a natural, and it's something you should be proud of. If you keep it up, you have no idea what you'll be able to achieve.
"It just goes to show that all those years doing farm chores really didn't go to waste did they?" Kevin replied with a knowing wink.
Dylen blushed. He hated the way Mr. May could always seem to peer into his soul. How could he have possibly known that's how he felt about helping around the farm sometimes? Kevin leaned down and spoke in Dylen's ear. "Let me tell you a secret. Every man feels that way about moving irrigation lines, carrying bags of seed, and those early mornings when he's 18. Your father did. Even I did." Dylen still looked at Kevin like he must have a working crystal ball hidden away somewhere. Kevin laughed and stood again. "Oh, by the way, Lacy asked me to stop in and see if you wanted to stay for lunch. I'd say yes; because, I don't think she'll take no for an answer."
Dylen didn't need much convincing. Lacy May was an excellent cook, especially when it came to making the high protein, low fat diet he was on more palatable. "Have I said no yet?" Dylen replied.
"Good. She said it'll be ready in half an hour. See you boys later." Kevin said as he left the room. Dylen silently chuckled. He thought it was nuts that Mr. May called someone that looked like Rian a boy.
As Kevin passed through the doorway, Dylen's attention was caught by an object above the frame. It was a well made, but plain wooden sign just about the width of the door. It was carved with Greek letters.
Dylen had noticed it before, and it stoked his curiosity. "Hey Rian. What's that above the door?"
Rian glanced up to where Dylen was looking. "Oh that. Dad's really big into quotes. He learned that one in college, and he taught it to me when I started lifting. I guess it's sort of turned into our workout motto. It's pronounced 'Gnothi Seauton' and it means 'Know Thyself.'" Rian said.
"From the Temple of Apollo at Delphi?" Dylen asked, seeking confirmation of his memory.
"You know that?" Rian asked. Dylen wasn't the first of his friends who had asked about the sign, but no one before now had known where the famous saying came from. Then, Rian remembered who he was talking to.
Dylen continued, "That motto was in a religious shrine. Why put it up in a gym?"
Rian knew he was going to have trouble explaining the sign to a gym novice. Understanding the why of it came more easily from feelings and actions than from words. "That's opening up a can of worms, but I'll try to explain it the way my dad did to me." Rian began cleaning up the room, putting plates and dumbbells back into their racks. "In weight training, you really can't succeed without doing what that sign represents. The first thing you have to learn about in training of any kind isn't weights or nutrition or even exercises. You have to learn yourself. To be a successful athlete, you have to start by asking yourself - 'Who am I?'; 'What do I want?'; 'What are my capabilities now, and what can they be?" Say you're workouts are designed to help someone become a bodybuilder, but you really want to play tennis or be a martial artist. It doesn't matter how much you can lift or how strong you may be. You're always gonna fail at your goal because you're training for the wrong thing."
Rian came around and sat down in front of Dylen again. He could tell from the look on Dylen's face that he wasn't getting through. It was time to be concrete. "Before we ever touched a plate or a dumbbell, I asked you what you wanted to get out of weight training. And you said?"
"That I want to be in shape. I'm not a big athlete, but I want to look good. Just not as big as you or your dad. That's not me." Dylen said.
Rian replied, "That's almost exactly what I said to my dad when I started working out. At first, I didn't want to play sports like he did, even though I loved it later. But, we always had different goals. He outweighs me by 60 pounds right now, and I've never been able to put up the sheer tonnage he can. He still out lifts me in every area. Power and size were what he wanted. On the other hand, he's never been as cut or defined as I can be. That's what I wanted. We wanted to get different things out of our workouts, so our training is different, even though we do many of the same exercises.
"Focusing your training toward your real goals is what makes you successful. But knowing what your goals should be starts with knowing yourself and thinking about what you're doing. That's why I'm always telling you to think and feel what you're doing in a set. Seeing the end result in your head brings you a step closer to getting it. Mind is half the battle in weight training. I know it all sounds kind of Zen, but it works."
Rian looked up at the large clock on one of the unmirrored walls. "We'd better hit the showers. You know how much mom hates it when we come to the table smelling like sweat." As they started for the door, Rian came up behind Dylen and grabbed his upper arm. "Personally, I don't think it's because she hates smelling sweat while she's eating." Rian lowered his voice, growling seductively, "I think seeing your hot, sweaty body makes her heart start thumping for younger men, you sexy sonofabitch."
"You are a serious perv." Dylen replied as he looked into Rian's smirking face. He took a fake punch at Rian's arm, landing lightly on the shoulder. "Fixing your mom up with a workout partner who's younger than you are."
Rian held up his hands in a gesture of innocence. "Hey. Don't blame me if you turn people on." Dylen glared at Rian for that quip. He lunged for his partly used water bottle. Dylen squeezed hard, firing a stream straight at Rian's face.
"Why you little --" Rian dove for his own bottle, quickly returning the favor. Both of them were laughing uproariously. It would have turned into an all-out water fight among the gym equipment if Rian hadn't reminded them both about lunch.
Calling a truce, they grabbed a couple of towels and cleaned up the mess they'd made. Dylen crossed the hall, entering the basement bathroom he typically used to clean up. As he was closing the door, Rian caught it and said, "I'm gonna shower upstairs. I'll be up there when you're done."
"OK" was Dylen's reply.
Rian turned down the hall and jogged up the two flights of stairs that took him to the second floor. He went in his room, closed the door, and stripped off his sweaty clothes. But instead of going to his bathroom, he sat down at his desk. He opened his laptop and clicked on the workout log he'd started for Dylen. Rian entered the details of today's completed workout, his observations, and what he wanted to do for their next chest routine the following week. He also entered the results of the measurements they'd taken that morning next to the set from two weeks ago.
Rian stared at them as he finished. He was taking measurements just to get Dylen in the habit paying attention to his body as it changed. He hadn't expected to see any real results for a while. It was only 7 workouts in, but Dylen was working hard and eating right. He was even doing crunches and pushups at home every night. Still, he shouldn't be seeing anything remarkable now, but the results were here in black and white. Dylen was already starting his initial growth spurt. It was as if his body had spent a long time priming and now was unleashed. Dylen had maintained his bodyweight overall, but he'd gained 1/3 inch on his biceps and 1/2 inch on his chest. Rian noticed today that there was a bit more definition showing in Dylen's lithe abdomen and in his legs. Both were promising signs for the future. All of that on a 29" waist. Small gains yes, but a lot after so short a time. Rian could already tell that Dylen was never going to be a massive guy. On his frame, huge muscles just wouldn't look right. Dylen was going to be one of those "hidden muscle" guys he occasionally saw. The ones who looked normal until their shirt and pants came off; then, they'd blow you away with their quality and definition.
There was no way this kind of pace would last though. Within a couple more weeks, this rapid growth would slow as Dylen's body adjusted to exercise with weights instead of farming. In a couple of years, though, with 25 pounds of lean muscle on his body, Dylen was going to be a masterpiece. The thought of that future Dylen made Rian shake his head in wonder. 'His mind, his personality, his face, his body . . . damn,' he thought. Rian closed the computer screen, dropped his dirty clothes down the laundry chute, and went to his bathroom. He just hoped that Dylen was seeing and feeling what he was.
Dylen allowed the hot water to run over his body for one last moment. Even if there were no other benefits to these workouts with Rian, this feeling of hot water against his spent flesh was reason enough to continue. It was so relaxing to let the soap and water drain away the promised aches for a little while.
In many ways, the past two weeks should have been a blur. Last classes, AP exams, assemblies, meetings, Church, and now workouts on top of it. Since he was exempt from finals, today was the first day he'd had in months with relatively nothing to do. But, despite all he had on his plate, he and Rian had spent an amazing amount of time together just talking. Dylen had almost forgotten how good it felt to just talk with someone. They'd discussed everything imaginable -- cars, sports, parents, graduation, college, Boulder -- and it was so much fun. As seemingly opposite as they appeared at first, they agreed on so much in the end. In an odd way, it was as if they were kids again. The inseparable closeness they felt when they were young seemed to be alive again, at least to Dylen.
Dylen stepped out of the shower and dressed, still thinking about what he'd discovered lately. To call Rian his soul mate was the wrong word, he thought. Soul mate sounded too much like lovers. Although he'd been jacking off most every night fantasizing about Rian, that didn't make them lovers. Rian knew nothing about it, after all. And the Church taught that there was no such thing as a "soul mate." Dylen imagined the two of them were more like a matched pair, like salt and pepper; one was incomplete without the other.
Having finished cleaning up, Dylen packed his gym bag and climbed the stairs to Rian's room. Even though 'room' was the easiest term for the place, Dylen discovered that calling Rian's spot in this house a "room" wasn't exactly correct. The May's house, like his parent's home, had a small 1/2 story for the second floor. When Dylen was little, this area included several other rooms in addition to Rian's bedroom. But, as part of his 16th birthday present, Rian's parents converted the whole space into a large three room suite. There was a private living area and full bath in addition to Rian's bedroom. Rian said his parents were going to turn it into a guest space when he built his own home; but, Dylen suspected this spot would always belong to Rian.
As he entered the room, Dylen could hear water running in the shower. Rian had given him free rein in his room, so he walked into the living room. Ever since Rian first brought him here, Dylen thought this room was the ultimate teen play space. It was equipped every electronic gizmo a teenage guy could wish for, from a plasma HDTV to a massive sound system. The walls held a number of autographed mementos from pro football and hockey games Rian attended. There were so many pictures of Rian with friends and family, the display was almost a catalog of how the thin pre-teen boy transformed into an athlete and then into something more. Everything about this room said it was meant for friends to come and hang out. The bedroom, on the other hand, was private, simpler, a place of refuge. It was simply furnished with a large bed, a desk with a laptop dock, and a couple of clothing chests. On these walls were the awards given to Rian for his athletic ability. Most of them were accompanied by news clippings or snapshots of the places where he won them - in pads after football games, in a singlet during wrestling tournaments, in a suit at a banquet. There were a few pictures of friends and buddies in the gym. But these pictures seemed much more intimate, more selective, than the ones outside.
As he walked around his friend's sanctuary, Dylen was reminded of the kind of person the private Rian was - friendly, caring, smart, special. He started to feel guilty. 'Rian is such a good man, and here I am lusting after him all the time,' Dylen thought. The guilt over his fantasies and his hand jobs began to grow as he stared at these walls. He felt close to Rian, but how much of that was just a lustful illusion. Not only had he fantasized about feeling Rian's muscles, he's thought about blowing him off. He'd even given himself a hand job dreaming about being fucked by Rian. It was just a single time, but he never ceased to feel worthlessly guilty over it, especially at Church. All Sunday's and Wednesday's ever did anymore was reminded him of his inadequacies. Dylen couldn't even concentrate in family prayer anymore for thinking about Rian and wishing that he wouldn't. With shame mounting, the shadow began to whisper again. Maybe the 'more- than-good feelings' he sometimes thought he felt from Rian were just on his side of the equation. How could someone like the Rian in these pictures really feel anything for some thing like him? 'Maybe it would be better to end this now. Before he finds out, and I hurt him or he hurts me.'
The happiness and joy of twenty minutes prior were fast fading into another depression -- until Dylen came upon Rian's desk. Next to the laptop, there were two small picture frames he'd never paid attention to. One frame held a picture of Rian and someone Dylen had never seen before. This person appeared in no other picture that Dylen saw. He was a good looking guy. Judging from where he came up to on Rian, he a little shorter than Dylen, but more thickly muscled. He had brown hair and clear blue eyes. It looked like Rian and the guy were somewhere in the mountains, but it was a place Dylen didn't recognize. They looked like they were having a good time. In fact, both of them looked very happy.
When Dylen looked to the other picture frame and realized what was in it, he reached down and picked it up. The frame held a picture of Rian with him. They had taken it last weekend with Rian's digicam while they'd been swimming in the May's pool. At first, Dylen's attention was caught by Rian's incredible body. He was big, but Dylen had seen pictures of much larger men. What made Rian so attractive to Dylen was his absolutely perfect proportion. Solid vascular arms and thick, wide pectorals led to a defined cluster of six abdominals. They were flanked by all sorts of smaller muscles that added a certain grace to Rian's upper body. The legs dropping out of Rian's swim trunks were cut and solid. They were a perfect balance to his large upper body. There was just a smattering of hair on Rian's golden skin, which only seemed to further accentuate Rian's looks. Dylen's hard on was straining for release as he stared, and he started to punish himself for lusting again. But then, he noticed the look on Rian's face.
The two of them were laughing together when the picture was snapped. Rian's killer smile was prominent in most of the photos Dylen had looked at. But, there was a quality about it -- about him -- in these two pictures that was different than in all the other pictures on the walls. In these two pictures, Rian looked more than happy. He looked content, strangely completed. It wasn't fake emotion or a false supposition on Dylen's part. Seeing these moments frozen in time, Dylen came to understand that whatever he was feeling for Rian, Rian really did care about him. He really wasn't alone in this friendship.
Dylen abandoned the fear-driven thoughts he'd just been entertaining. He decided he was going to end anything with Rian. If his parents or the Church knew about his feelings, they'd make him cut Rian off immediately. But, as long as Dylen could see that look in Rian's face, there was no way they could make him leave. Most likely, Rian would never know of his attraction to him. Dylen wasn't going to allow anything to destroy this friendship, even his own feelings. Whatever else may be wrong or right in his life, whatever else he may be - a liar, a hypocrite, an abomination -- this was one thing he was going to try his best to protect.
Dylen walked to the couch in front of the TV, buoyed by his discovery. As he sat down, he realized that he no longer heard the shower running. Rian came out of the bathroom dressed in his usual sleeveless shirt and shorts. If Dylen needed any further confirmation of what he'd seen in those pictures, he had it now. The expression on Rian's face, the aura of kindness and caring flowing from him, was enough. "Hey, are you ready?"
"Ahh . . . Sure, let's go."
"What's wrong? You look a little preoccupied."
"Nothing. Just thinking about how good I've been feeling lately. I hate to admit it, but that's probably thanks to you and your metal plates and taskmaster routines."
Rian's smile widened. "That just give me license to work you harder, you know. But, I've gotta feed you first." They started walking to the door.
"Rian, who's that with you in the picture on the desk?"
A shadow of emotion welled up under Rian's happy expression. Dylen couldn't be sure, but he could have sworn it was pain. "Just a friend from college. He lived on my floor in the dorms."
What was supposed to be lunch turned into an afternoon and evening of relaxation with Rian's family. This was the first real chance Kevin and Lacy May had to get to know Dylen as a man. It was evident to all that things had gone very well. In those few hours, Dylen felt like the May's had virtually adopted him. To Kevin and Lacy, while Dylen was just one more of Rian's friends at first, they were now very comfortable in thinking of him as more than a common friend.
The sky outside the huge picture window in the May's living room was just beginning to mute before anyone realized how late it was getting. Lacy invited Dylen stay for dinner, but he decided to finally decline one of her meals. He felt like he'd taken too much of their day already; plus, his mom had left him a large dinner in the refrigerator. When the time came for him to leave, Rian excused himself while the older May's led Dylen out to their garage. Rian had left his car parked outside on the driveway so that Dylen could have his spot in the garage. He guessed that Rian was now moving his car to give Dylen the chance to leave.
Dylen turned to the couple. "Thank you all again. I haven't enjoyed a day like today in a long time."
Kevin shook Dylen's hand firmly. "No. We've enjoyed getting to know you again. You're welcome in our home anytime, day or night."
"See you on Saturday, and good luck." Lacy said, and the couple returned to the home, closing the door behind them. Finding himself alone, Dylen pressed the button to raise the door to the bay he was parked in. As it slowly slid open, he caught sight of Rian, looking a bit out of breath. His car hadn't moved, but Dylen didn't think much of it. He walked through the open garage door.
"Your mom said something about Saturday. Are you guys coming to graduation?"
"Do you really think we'd miss it?" Rian said.
"You really do have an amazing family. I can't believe how welcome you've all made me feel since I started coming here." Dylen said. It really was as if he had a surrogate family. Why wouldn't they come to see him graduate?
Dylen was about to say goodbye to Rian and get into his car, when something that made him stop. Unlike Dylen, Rian wasn't as practiced at hiding feelings, especially the more powerful ones. There was a look now, one like he saw for that brief second in Rian's room. He could tell that Rian was anxious about something.
Dylen stepped closer to his friend. "What's wrong Rian?"
Rian had been thinking about how to approach this since he'd gotten the envelope in the mail from Brock's father two days before. Now, at the moment of truth, he stumbled. "Nothing. I just . . . What do you have going on the rest of the night?"
"Nothing, I guess. Mom and Dad are in Littleton working at the temple and won't be back until midnight. What's up?"
"Well, I was wondering if you'd take a drive with me," Rian said. "There's something I need to ask you."
Dylen wondered why Rian was acting so nervously. It wasn't as if they hadn't been driven together a lot lately. Whatever it was, maybe it could be a way to give something back to Rian. "Sure. Let's go." Dylen said.
They got into Rian's car and quickly drove away from the May farm. As they left the driveway, Rian turned the car west, emerging into a startlingly beautiful sunset. The sky was warm in a vast wash of pinks and oranges. Dylen had witnessed some spectacular sunsets in the desert and the mountains, but he could remember very few that were this pretty here. Ordinarily, Dylen would have been transfixed by the beauty, but Rian was foremost on his mind. Dylen had never seen anguish on Rian's face until now. He had a death grip on the gear stick of the convertible, making the muscles and veins he'd so meticulously sculpted stand out fiercely. All the more Dylen wanted to help, to fix whatever was going on. He reached out and lightly touched Rian's hand. "Hey. What's wrong really?"
Rian broke from his silent concentration. He carefully pulled the car from the side of the road and into a flat, grassy spot. They were still facing the distant mountains and the brilliantly fading remains of the day. Rian took a deep swallow before asking, "Do you like to go hiking?"
Dylen wasn't expecting something so seemingly off-the-wall given Rian's somber mood. The question was totally disarming. He didn't quite know how to respond. "Uh, I guess so. I did enough of it in scouts."
Rian's tone became more serious, but he continued to stare at the sunset. "No. I know you've gone hiking a lot. Do you like it?"
"Well . . . sometimes it's fun. I didn't like it so much when we were running as fast as we could just to cover ground. But, I did enjoy it when we took the time to actually look around and see what we were passing by. Honestly, in some of the prettier places, I think I could have stood for hours just watching. Why?"
Finally, Rian turned slowly to face Dylen. His face was so soft and open that Dylen privately swooned. His eyes were filled with a distant, longing hope. His expression was so tender, simultaneously full of expectation and doubt. "There's something for you in the glove box," Rian half-whispered.
Dylen was full of questions as he opened the small door. On top of the usual insurance and registration materials, he discovered an envelope with several pieces of paper stuffed inside. At first, Dylen thought of an airline ticket folder, but it was far too thick for that. Dylen pulled the folder open, and inside he found a map of Bryce Canyon National Park and a lot of computer printouts.
"I owe you a graduation present. There a card and a couple of boxes from my parents in the trunk, but this one's from me. A friend of mine is a corporate high up for the group in Denver that manages national park guest services. Bryce Canyon is one of my favorite places, but I haven't been able to go in a while. Anyway, he was able to pull a few strings and arrange a weekend trip for me. Private cabin, meals at the lodge, the works. I know it's a couple of weeks off yet, but I would love it if you would come with me."
Maybe it was the thoughtfulness of the gift, or the way Rian said it, or his hopeful look, but Dylen was fighting back tears. A part of him long buried under depression and fear began to emerge. It tore through the fear, the doubts, the self-loathing, and for an instant a new light, a joie de vivre, lit Dylen's spirit. He could see that this was something so important to Rian that it had taken most of his great strength to even ask. Perhaps this trip was what he'd been asking for since he'd decided to let Rian in, a chance at freedom. Dylen was barely in control as he responded, but it was the only answer he could have given, even when he was at his bottom, crying in the middle of the road.
"I'd love to go."
Rian smiled in relief. He reached across the seat, wrapped his arms around Dylen's chest, and hugging him tightly. Dylen wanted to melt in Rian's comforting strength. He felt totally at home in the embrace, like Rian had custom tailored his whole person just to hold Dylen's body. But he also knew that there was much more to this offer. This gift wasn't only meant for him. But he felt like he shouldn't ask about that.
Rian released the hug and looked at Dylen, water shimmering on the surface of his deep brown eyes. "I just wanted to give you something special. I'm so happy for you." They sat together wordlessly for the next half-hour, watching the sunset.
May 20, 2004 --
Well, I did it. I invited Dylen to Bryce today, and he accepted. I don't know what's going to happen when we get there, if we get there. The last few days feel like the world's turned upside down. Sometimes, I'm so excited, I feel like a star struck school girl. But then, a few minutes later, I feel like I'm violating his trust. I know the last thing Brock would have wanted was for me to not go on. He would never want me to go cloister, but . . . goddamnit, why does it feel so wrong to feel so good? I never intended for this to happen. God, I really didn't. It was just so intoxicating, so good, that I never realized what was happening, what I was doing, until it was too late. Who would have thought that a simple good deed would turn out like this?
Some part of me was trying to be rational. He was just an old friend, after all. All I thought I was going to do was to help him accept himself. I was so confident, so self- assured, that I could work miracles with a snap of my fingers and then enjoy patting myself on the back for my ingenuity. But, there was one unforeseen flaw in this plan. I never expected to fall in love with him.
Every time I see him now, I can't help but smile. When he's with me, I feel as if I can do no wrong. But, when he's gone, all I feel is guilt. Guilt for Brock. The strange thing is that he doesn't realize what he's doing to me. He still thinks I'm just a friend.
Maybe I have blinders on, but I think I can see the same feelings in Dylen sometimes. In those unguarded moments when we're alone, the innocence and the beauty in him break through. Two weeks ago, I never thought I'd see that light again, but it's in there. Dylen's in there. Only now, it's different because I'm head over heels whenever he shines through. I can see what all those girls talked about in hushed whispers when we were in school. I see that, and it feels like God is showing me a glimpse of heaven. Like today, when he finished that last bench rep or in the car tonight. I see it, and I just want to sweep him up. I want to hold his tight little body close to me, shut out everything else, and lose myself in the light in his eyes.
Mom and Dad have become absolutely enamored by Dylen. Mom bounced around the whole night after I got back home. She just couldn't get over him. And Dad. He's usually so hard to gauge about anyone, but he's taken such a shine to Dylen. He's started to think of him as a permanent fixture around the house, and I think he's happy about it. They had such a hard time at first with Brock. May it's just the time they've had to adjust to the idea, but I think they could accept Dylen as much as they accepted me.
I still haven't decided what I'm gonna do once we get to Bryce. I never expected to go back there again, much less take someone with me. But, with Dylen, maybe I can face it. I haven't decided how to tell him yet, or even if I should. It's kind of funny. He thought he had drawn me into a mess. I hope, however this really works out, that I haven't screwed up his life. That I'm not wrong. I promised that I wouldn't let it happen again. But, what if I'm going to cause the very thing I started out trying to prevent by doing this?
I'm not working out with Dylen again until Monday. He's justifiably busy with is family all this weekend, and maybe that's a good thing. I'm gonna go back to Boulder in the morning and spend the weekend (except for graduation) at the apartment. I might even stop by the cemetery, too. I need some time to think.