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Chapter 3 - "By Small and Simple Things"
Dylen shivered with feelings he never imagined possible. Raw, unbridled passions coursed through his quivering body. Powerfully muscled arms wrapped gently around his chest and pulled him deeper into ecstasy. He basked in overpowering radiant heat that seemed to surround him in a cocoon of sensation. He savored the stubble of Rian's unshaven face against his cheek, marveled at the silken heaviness of his body as it lay over his own. He smelled Rian's wonderful scent, reveled in his gentle touch. "Just let go," the deep angelic voice whispered. Dylen felt a strong hand touch his aching cock and gasped as another electric surge passed across his frame. He closed his eyes. He felt so good, so safe, so free. Dylen wanted this feeling, this place, to last forever.
A door crashed. Dylen's eyes opened to see his parents, his friends, everyone he knew. The warmth, the smell, the feelings were gone as Rian seemed to melt away, leaving him naked and alone. "You're nothing but evil," his father's voice echoed, "I want nothing to do with you. I have no son. Get out you abomination."
Dylen screamed.
"BEEP, BEEP, BEEP . . . ."
Dylen's body jerked toward the sound, and his eyes snapped opened. An all-too-familiar electronic horn blared from the alarm clock. 4:30 am. He took a deep breath. 'Just a nightmare,' Dylen thought. But it was a nightmare he feared would come true. He rolled an arm out from under his covers and switched the noisemaker off. 'The best thing about college will be no more 4:30 mornings, no more chores, no more seminary. I get to sleep like a regular person for once,' he thought. Dylen threw back the blankets and slid to a sitting position. Then, as sleep fully departed, the memories of the previous night arose clearly. The nightmare made sense now. Though it wasn't the first time he'd experienced similar dreams, this time it was much more intense. 'What was different now?' he wondered. 'The only really new element was Rian.'
Dylen dressed in the first set of clothes he could find and moved downstairs. As he descended, he was surprised to see the glow of lights. Usually, his father was already in the barn getting ready to move irrigation lines. His mom never got up on Saturday before 6:30, when she started breakfast. Dylen emerged from the stairs and stopped cold. His parents were sitting on the couch.
"Son," his father said. "Sit down. We need to talk."
Dylen moved cautiously towards a chair directly across from them. He stared at his parents trying to draw some read on their mood. It didn't feel good. His father looked uncomfortable, and his mom looked worried. Fueled by the still fresh nightmare and this turn of events, the shadow's thoughts reared. 'I was too obvious drooling over Rian last night. After we got home, he was with Dad on the porch. Maybe Rian guessed what I am. Did he say something to my parents? Do they suspect? Do they know?'
There was an awkward silence between them before Kathi Mason broke it. "Dylen, about last night --"
Dylen interrupted, "I'm sorry. I just swerved to miss --"
His mom continued, "No, no. Let us finish first. This doesn't have anything to do with the accident." Even as she said it, she was on the verge of tears.
Dylen almost went to pieces. There could only be one explanation. 'Oh my God. They know, they know,' he thought.
Kathi paused. She took a breath, calming her feelings before beginning again. "Son, we know something's been bothering you for a long time. I don't know what -- and before you say anything, you don't have to tell us. We know you are under a lot of pressure between school and the farm and Church. But, when you got home last night . . . Well, we've never seen you like that before." Kathi's eyes started to tear up again as she saw an image of the hollow, empty void that was her son, standing on the porch with Rian May. "We've always trusted you to do what's right, by the Lord and by yourself. We just want to make sure that you know we're here to help you whenever you're ready."
Dylen groaned with both relief and sorrow. They didn't know. But this was so hard, lying to them. Well not exactly lying, but it sure felt that way. It had for a long time. He knew his parents really did love him, or they wouldn't be here like this. But, he couldn't help wondering if they would still love him if they knew. Would the nightmare come true? Could they love an abomination?
Dylen pushed these thoughts aside as much as he could. "I know mom. I'm OK. I promise. You've helped me so much lately. I just . . ." Dylen paused. For the first time something inside of him wanted to say it, just to get it over with. Let the sword fall on his neck and be done with it. In the surge of the moment, he almost did -- but stopped. "I was just scared about the accident and what you'd think."
Now, his father spoke up, "Your mother and I talked after you went to bed. It's no secret that farm life isn't for you. We've known since you were barely talking that you were special, and that you weren't meant to stay here. But, you've helped me and your mom for a long time and never complained. You've got a lot ahead of you that will take you from us - going on a mission, college, getting married. That's that way it should be, and," Paul Mason's voice cracked as he remembered hearing these words from his own parents, "We have to learn to let you go."
Kathi took up for her husband. "You're graduating in two weeks, so we decided to give you an extra present. We think you need some time off before you start classes and putting in your mission papers in the fall. We want you to relax, spend some time with your friends, go out and enjoy yourself. Let go of the pressure while you can. After graduation, you'll be done with school for a while. That just leaves the farm. So, as of this morning, you have no more chores to do around the farm. As far as we're concerned, the summer's yours." Kathi smiled through her tears. "Just remember to help your sickly old mother keep your room clean, huh?"
Kathi arose and hugged her son tightly, as if it were the last time. When his mom released him, Dylen's father looked into his eyes and clasped his hand; then after a few beats, he pulled him into a hug as well. Dylen understood what this meant. He'd passed a milestone in life. His parents considered him a man, able to make his own choices. "You're a good man, Dylen, better than we could have hoped."
His father released him, and Dylen started to back away toward the stairs when he heard. "But . . . there is just one condition to this deal."
Dylen turned toward his dad. "What?"
"When we get too old to take care of this place, do you think your million dollar salary could afford us a condo in Florida?" Paul said, smiling.
Dylen scratched his head. "Hmmmmm . . . Well, I don't know. Florida's really far away and it's expensive but . . . I think that could be arranged." Smiling broadly, Dylen hugged his parents again and ran back up the stairs to his room. After he disappeared, Paul and Kathi Mason looked at each other.
"He looked happy. That was nice to see," Kathi said.
"Yes, it was. Too bad we can't fix what's really bothering him." Paul became more serious as he lowered his voice. "Kathi, we both know last night had nothing to do with any car accident. I still think we should have just confronted him and not let go until he told us." Paul had come to believe that Dylen was struggling with a choice, a decision he was afraid they wouldn't like. Had Dylen decided not to go on a mission or done something that could keep him from serving a mission or, God forbid, worse?
"No, Paul. We've always trusted him, and he's never disappointed us. He's been making his own decisions for a while anyway, and now is not the time to ruin that. We have to give him the chance to work this out on his own. He'll tell us when he's ready, and I think you'll eat those words."
Paul wasn't entirely convinced, but he knew in his heart that his wife was right. He put his arms around her. "I do know you raised a good kid, woman."
"Only if he's as good a father as you," Kathi replied. They kissed for a moment, then parted and went about their early morning tasks.
Dylen arrived back in his room, strangely buoyed. A free summer. What would it be like? What would he do? Would time help make things better? After the previous night's events, he knew that if he couldn't find an answer, some way out of this . . . But what should he do? Should he stick with what he had been taught and be torn his whole life or should he tear apart everyone else around him? He needed clarity, he needed a sign. As he climbed back into bed, another question occurred to him. He needed someone to help him, a confidant, a friend. But, who could he talk to who wouldn't think he was a monster?
After such a late night, it didn't really bother Rian that he slept later than he wanted. He stayed up after he got to his parents and told them what happened. After hearing the story, Kevin and Lacy May were concerned not only for the Mason's and Dylen, but for their own son. Brock's suicide was still an open wound. How would their son handle something like this again so soon? But, they knew Rian and told him they'd always support his choices. They'd help in any way they could.
As he hit the shower, Rian thought about tonight's celebration. He was sure it would be fantastic. Even when they were talking about Dylen, his parents seemed excited over the upcoming festivities. But first things first. He needed to get over to Dylen's house. Rian dressed in his usual weekend clothes, a "loose" muscle t-shirt, cut off khaki shorts, and a pair of sneakers. He got in his car and set out for the Mason farm.
As he drove, he tried to keep in mind what his father told him. He needed to be careful about this and not get his hopes up. The Mason's were Mormons, and while they were good people, they approached these kinds of things very differently from Brock's family. But, Rian couldn't help it. He knew what he felt, and he had to be sure.
Rian's car stopped at the large silver mailbox simply labeled "MASON." He took a deep breath and pulled off the road onto the gravel lined driveway. It led to a relatively small, 1-1/2 story ranch style home. It was much smaller than the May's home, but it was cozy and manageable -- something Rian might have been attracted to himself if he wanted his own farm.
As he rounded the house toward a barn the Mason's used as part-garage, part-storage shed, Rian noticed Mr. Mason hitching a flat bed towing trailer to his large diesel truck. 'Must be going to get Dylen's car,' Rian thought. He pulled over so that he could park out of the way of the truck and its burden. Mr. Mason looked up, noted Rian, and his expression brightened. Rian turned off his engine and got out of the car. The older man waved to the younger and bade him come over.
Paul extended his hand, and Rian returned the firm, calloused grip. "Rian, how are you son?"
"Fine, Mr. Mason. And you?" Rian replied.
"First off, call me Paul. And second, I'm always good until I see you. You remind me how old I am." Paul chuckled, "I remember when you were six, and I could carry you and Dylen both on shoulder rides through the alfalfa. Now," Paul gestured toward Rian's large muscular arms, "I think Dylen and I should be the ones that get rides from you." Both men laughed.
"I don't think I can quite manage that. Here, let me help you." Rian bent down and began helping Paul hitch the trailer. Ordinarily, Paul Mason would never allow a guest in his home to lift a finger, but he knew it was useless with Kevin May and his son. Kevin was known in the community for his generous nature, and that nature extended to Rian. Both of the May men hated to see someone working alone when they could help with the task.
As they finished hitching the trailer, Paul looked up at the young man helping him. In truth, he had an ulterior motive for inviting Rian back this morning. He wanted to trust his son, but he needed to know everything Rian knew. "Rian, I need to ask you something, and please be honest with me. What really happened to my son last night?" The question startled Rian. His intuition told him that Mr. Mason wanted more than a mere retelling. He suspected a lot more than he let on the evening before. Rian was a little uncomfortable sharing those details here. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell Dylen's father, but he was afraid Dylen might pop up and hear something. Mason read the concern in Rian's face correctly and offered a solution. "I'm going to get Dylen's car. Would you mind coming with me? You can show me where you left it."
Rian agreed, and both men climbed into the truck's cab. Paul's practiced hands expertly maneuvered the truck and trailer down the driveway and into the road. Once safely on the asphalt, Rian told the worried father everything he knew and answered his questions-- almost. Rian was careful not to share what he thought he had felt or his concerns over suicide. That would get into Brock, and Brock was a line he would not cross. But, he shared enough that Paul understood much more completely what happened.
By the time Rian finished relating the details, Dylen's car was in view. It was exactly the way Rian left it the previous night, except there was a large damp spot smelling of fuel on the ground. After what had just happened, Rian decided that he had nothing to lose in asking Mason a question. "Mr. Mason, what's happened to Dylen? The person I saw last night isn't the person I know."
Mason was quiet for a long moment, frozen in his seat. He quickly weighed what he should and shouldn't say. Rian wasn't LDS, so he wouldn't understand everything. But, of all his son's friends, members included, Rian was the best. Besides, Rian was more forthcoming than he had expected and, thereby, gained even more respect from Paul. He felt a wave of emotion rise such that he couldn't face the younger man; so he just stared out the window. "I don't know," his voice strained. "I wish that I did. But no one does except Dylen and he's not saying a word. One day, all of a sudden, my son disappeared. At first, we thought it was a stage. Everybody has the 'I wanna be my own man' thing when you're 18. But, it didn't fit. Dylen just stopped being Dylen.
"We thought it could be drugs. Kathi said we should trust our son not to do that but . . ." Paul took a deep breath. ". . . I searched his room and car while he was at school several times. When you're a father, you'll understand why - but I found nothing. We've tried everything we can think of and still nothing. I've got a guess, but it doesn't make sense either.
"Rian, you know about Mormon boys going on missions. I did it myself when I was 19." Rian nodded, acknowledging he knew about them. "Well, boys who serve have to conduct themselves a certain way before they go, obey the commandments, no sex, lots of other things. A mission has been a goal of Dylen's since he was born. Now, he's acting like that doesn't matter anymore. I know my son, or, at least, I used to. It's like whatever he is thinking about, obsessing over, he expects the world to end when it's finished.
"The only thing Kathi and I could think to do is give him the time he needs to come to terms with whatever it is and make peace with himself and God. We decided last night to let him go for the summer and do what he wants. He doesn't have to work around the farm. He doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. But, once he's gone to college, he'll be alone. What will happen to him when he really is alone?"
Rian touched the steering wheel, drawing Paul's gaze toward him. Rian looked the older man directly in the eyes. "I don't know what's happening, but I can promise you one thing. As long as I'm around that school, Dylen will never be alone." Paul looked at his son's friend with relief. This was the last thing he and his wife talked about before Dylen came downstairs. More than anything, they wanted someone, even a nonmember, to help Dylen where they could not. But, they didn't know who or how to ask. Rian was the perfect one - honest, trustworthy, and a true friend to their son. Rian was one man they could trust never to wrong Dylen.
Both men understood what was being asked and that acceptation had been made. "Now, let's see about that car." Paul said, breaking the moment exactly when it needed to be. Rian decided that he'd have to try another way to pay for the repair. Talking about it now just wouldn't be right.
For the rest of their time together -- while loading the car (which did have a broken fuel line) and on the drive home -- Rian and Paul engaged in typical men's small talk. They went on at length about the upcoming football season. Paul even asked Rian about his dating life. But, for the first time, Rian became a little defensive, replying that he was between girls. Paul didn't press the issue. Talking about girls with an old man must have been very uncomfortable, like talking girls with his father. Dylen acted exactly the same way.
As soon as he'd gotten back to his room, Dylen fell asleep. He didn't move until 10:00 am. When he finally did wake up, he rolled out of bed and crossed the hall to take a shower. He was still thinking about his parents and what they said. For the moment, the depression was gone and the possibilities of what he could do with a whole summer seemed endless.
Dylen was actually excited until he closed the bathroom door. He rarely took time to look at himself in the mirror these days. But, as he slipped out of his clothes, for some reason, his reflection made him stop. He realized how different he really looked from the mental picture he had of himself. The person in the reflection looked more like a Halloween caricature than Dylen Mason. He stared at the image. Not so long ago, he was proud of his looks. He didn't look like a magazine cover guy or anything like that. But, he did garner more than a few invitations for a date over the years. The fact that he wasn't allowed to date alone until he was 18 helped him to safely refuse them all. But, it still felt good that he was attractive enough to ask.
'Now, look at me,' Dylen thought. 'What have I done to myself?' Worse, what was he doing to the people he cared about? But wasn't he supposed to be punished for what he was feeling and doing? Wasn't he just saving them the trouble of having to do it later?
Dylen shook his head and slipped into the warm, soothing spray. Why couldn't he be someone like Rian? Rian had so much. He was everything Dylen ever wanted -- self confident, strong, normal. People stared at Rian in admiration. He was certain that as soon as people found out his secret, they would stare at him with loathing and contempt. He supposed that's why he looked the way he did now. He hated so much of what he was. Dylen grabbed the soap and lathered himself. If only he could wash all this away. If only he could scrub away that person in the mirror and with him all these feelings. Then he could be what everybody expected, what everybody wanted him to be.
As he got out of the shower and dried off, another thought occurred to him. Last night was totally opposite from what he thought was supposed to happen. Dylen thought a sinful attraction should feel wrong when it was happening. But he felt something . . . right? . . . with Rian. Dylen actually struggled to put the feeling into words. It was sort of like the dream before it turned bad. Yes, it was sexual, but it was so much more than that. It felt natural, good, happy. Maybe, just maybe, he was trying to wash away the wrong set of feelings. Maybe he could get back what he'd lost by embracing what he was running away from.
Dylen wrapped the towel around his waist, walked into his room, and closed the door. For some reason, he felt like cleaning up for a change. He was searching through his closet for a shirt and shorts that he liked (and playing around with these new thoughts), when there was a knock at the door. 'Must be mom with laundry,' Dylen assumed. "Come in," he said without turning around.
Kathi Mason was in the laundry when there was a knock at the open front door. She stopped her work, curious who would be calling on her unannounced on a Saturday morning. She smiled as she saw the large frame of Rian almost overshadowing the door. "Hello, Rian. Come in."
"Hello. Mrs. Mason. How are you?" Rian said.
"Fine. Dylen's upstairs in his room," she said, expecting that he was here to see her son. It was so rare for her son to have a guest anymore. 'Maybe this wreck had some benefit after all,' she thought.
Rian walked to the stairs. Kathi held back, allowing the young man to pass. She stared at the smooth flowing interaction of Rian's leg muscles as he moved away. She felt a primal stir. Sure, this man was the age of her own son, but she was still a woman. He was gorgeous, and he was charming. 'He's going to have the choice of any girl on earth,' she thought. 'I just hope he chooses someone that deserves him.'
Rian took the stairs two at a time as jogged up them. There were only three doors on the second floor of the Mason home. Two led to a bathroom and a guest bedroom. They were open and exposed the interiors to view. Rian walked to the far door, the one he remembered from childhood that led to Dylen's room. He was sure Dylen knew he was there. Still, he knocked rather heavily just to make sure Dylen didn't think it was his mother. Instead of the "Who is it" he expected, Rian's knock was greeted with a rather nonchalant "Come in." Rian cracked open the door, and took a couple of hesitant steps in. He didn't quite know what to do. Dylen was standing only in a towel, thumbing through his closet. There was a nice shirt and a pair of boxers lying on the bed. It was obvious that Dylen was not expecting a 20 year old college guy at his door. But, before Rian could back out again, Dylen turned around holding a pair of shorts on a clothes hanger.
"Just leave them . . ." Dylen started to say when he realized who was standing in his door. His jaw lowered, and he became wide eyed, frozen in place like a newborn fawn. For his part, Rian stumbled as fast as he could out the door, pulling it shut behind him. In the two seconds it took for Rian to leave, Dylen's face was already blood red. He'd been standing stark naked in front of Rian. He could barely move from embarrassment -- again.
Rian stood outside the door, still not knowing what to do. He had been in enough gyms over the years to never be embarrassed at the sight of a man in a towel, but Dylen wasn't a gym rat. He knew how some Mormons, like Dylen's parents, were about modesty. After the prior night's events, it wouldn't have surprised Rian if Dylen came out screaming at him. Instead, there was nothing but silence. He decided he would to try again. Rian swallowed his uneasiness and knocked, this time much more softly. His deep voice was only loud enough so he could be heard through the door. "Dylen. I'm sorry."
Dylen was fumbling incoherently as he put on the shorts and shirt as fast as he could. He even tripped over himself getting to the door. He opened it to see Rian standing rather sheepishly, cheeks glowing brightly. As soon as the two made eye contact, Rian started, "I'm sorry. I'm parked under your window and I was just talking to your mom. I thought you knew I was here."
Dylen had just been thinking about what he felt with Rian before the door opened. In spite of what was happening, he still felt those strange butterflies standing here. It felt good to know that Rian was just as embarrassed as he was. Maybe he wasn't so different after all. "I guess I do have a way of first impressions. First crying in the middle of a deserted road and then inviting you into my room while I'm naked. Sure you don't want to leave?" Dylen asked with a hint of expectant disappointment in his voice.
Rian offered a warm gaze in return. "I've made my share of first impressions I'd rather forget, too. Besides, I decided what I think of you years ago, and it isn't bad." Dylen was relieved and he opened the door wide, inviting Rian in.
Rian hadn't been in Dylen's room in years, but he was struck at the similarities between this room and his own when he was in high school. There was a whole wall covered with certificates, plaques, metals, and pictures -- just like the one in his room, except all of these had been won by Dylen in music and scouts. There was a desk with a newer model desktop computer that was almost buried in college envelopes. In the opposite corner was a nice TV with a DVD player and a Playstation. There were books, games, clothes - all the things a normal teenage guy would have in their room -- except. There were no posters of popular semi-naked women. Instead, hanging on the walls were a couple of small drawings of Jesus Christ and a sign that said "Return with Honor." Also over Dylen's bed was a photograph of a beautiful white stone building that looked like a castle from a fairy tale. Rian didn't know what the building was or what the sign meant. But, he was sure it must have been a Mormon thing. Dylen motioned for Rian to sit on the bed, while he grabbed the small wheeled chair at the desk and pulled it near to Rian's position.
Rian tried to break the ice. "You know, compared to what happened to me the other day, this was nothing." Rian said.
Dylen was intrigued. He didn't say anything, but his face invited Rian to continue.
"I went to the Wendy's near campus the other day for lunch, and I ordered a salad and a plain baked potato. While I was waiting for my food, another girl came up behind the counter and started asking me if I liked baked potatoes. It was a little weird, but I said, 'Sure, I guess.' Then she stared over the counter at my crotch. She started making eyes at me and said, 'I bet you have a huge baked potato with lots of sour cream.'" Dylen was picturing the situation and trying to choke back hysterical laughter. Rian's cheeks re- colored as he told the story, but he was chuckling too. "I said 'No, just plain for me' and I ran away with my food as fast as I could. I don't think I can ever eat a potato in there again. Now, that's a bad first impression."
Dylen couldn't hold back any longer. He was in tears he was laughing so hard. It was as if the incident two minutes ago had never taken place. He tried to catch his breath. "But, every girl that's ever met you has hit on you at least once. Everybody talked about it at school. But, usually, they weren't that . . . aaahhhh . . . nasty. I guess compared to that standing in a towel isn't so bad."
After the story, Dylen was completely at ease. Rian made him feel so comfortable with himself. Only now, unlike when he was in Rian's car, he could enjoy it. But it wasn't only Dylen that felt comfortable. Rian did too. He hadn't felt this kind of instant connection with anyone before, even with Brock.
Rian returned to their situation. "If it makes you feel any better, I've been in enough gyms in my life to have seen a few million guys, and most of them are in really horrible shape. You look pretty good actually."
"OK, now your just trying to make me feel better. I've never worked out a day in my life. And look at you. I mean you make two of me. I'm nothing compared to guys like you." Dylen replied.
"Don't be too sure of that. You may not have huge muscles, but you're defined a lot better than most. And doing farm chores can be a huge workout, believe me. I know you're stronger than you think. You'd do great in the gym." Rian said. He didn't know why exactly he issued the implicit invitation, but he didn't regret it.
Dylen couldn't believe it, but he could tell Rian honestly meant what he said. Maybe Rian was just trying to finish smoothing over an embarrassing situation, but he sounded so sincere about it. Then Dylen realized the opportunity he had. He could settle things right now. The laughter induced smile on Dylen's face tempered and was replaced by a serious sincere look. "Well, I'm just glad you're here. I was going to try to call you and tell you how sorry I am about last night. Things just haven't been very good lately and then the accident . . . I just want to thank you for helping me home, in spite of how crazy I was. I hope you won't think badly of me."
Now, it was Dylen's turn to look sheepish. He was letting Rian inside the emotional barrier. Rian understood how hard this was for Dylen. He could see genuine concern on Dylen's face about what he really thought. Rian immediately put Dylen's mind at ease. Rian felt comfortable enough to do something he would never have dreamed of doing just a few minutes before. He leaned forward and put his hand on Dylen's knee. Dylen didn't pull away. "You don't have to thank me for anything. You're my friend, and you always will be. I know that I haven't seen you or talked to you in a while, but nothing's changed how I feel about you. And you don't have to feel sorry for anything, either. We all have bad days -- bad weeks -- that we wish we could forget."
"Still, you walked into a big mess. I dumped a lot of stuff on you that I shouldn't have." Dylen said.
As he sat there, Rian felt whatever it was grow stronger. It was as if he could almost feel what Dylen was feeling. Somehow, he was certain that whatever was happening shook Dylen to the core. It involved every aspect of his life. Rian knew that he'd only felt that way once before. If Dylen was going through the same thing for the same reason . . . The insight was almost spooky, but, if it were true, it would explain everything. He couldn't jump to that conclusion this fast, though. Even though he'd been right with Brock, he was going to make sure with Dylen. And this time, he was going to be careful. Rian shifted back to where he was before. "Dylen, can I ask you something personal?"
"I guess." Dylen said, defenses automatically rising.
"What's going on with you?" Rian asked.
Dylen knew that there was no way he was going to tell Rian what he was really feeling. He could only imagine Rian reaction if he said, 'I think I'm gay and I dreamed I had sex with you last night.' But, he was just wishing for someone to talk to. And he felt this crazy connection with Rian. He didn't know why, but maybe Rian was the person he needed. He decided to try a relatively honest approach and see Rian's reaction.
"I don't know." Dylen began, with some sincerity. "It's kind of hard to explain. It's just like one day all this stuff I have to do, everything I ever wanted to get, everything I expected to do with my life, doesn't mean anything anymore. Everybody expects me to be a certain way, to do this and that by the time I'm 30. But, it all feels hollow, artificial . . . like I'm living a lie. Sometimes, I wish I could just throw everything away and start over. I mean look at you. You've got everything anyone could ever want. Nothing bad ever seems to happen to you. You always find a way to get out on top. I don't know -- I guess this sounds sort of stupid to you."
"Dylen, trust me when I tell you I understand completely. And I've lost more than you know." Rian thought of the funeral again. "Everybody looks at me and expects me to be something I'm not. They look at me like that Wendy's girl did. They expect me to be some dumb muscle head jock out for sex, and they expect me to act like it. Sometimes, I've been stupid enough to be the person they want, and I've hated it ever since. In fact, you're about the only person I've ever known who's never treated me that way. Maybe it's just because we've been friends for so long, but you always let me be me. You don't know what that means to me.
"I know how hard it's gonna be when you finally leave here. Boulder's a whole new world. It's full of so many new things. And for somebody from a family with your beliefs, it's going to be even harder. You've gotta do what's best for you. And sometimes that doesn't live up to everybody's expectations, but that's OK.
"I just want you to know that I know what its like and whenever you need a friend, I'll always be there for you. You don't have to go it alone." Rian reached out his hand and Dylen took it. As they touched, they both felt something . . . Like the world stopped for an instant, and there was nothing but the two of them. A link was forged. Neither had felt anything like it before.
For a moment, Dylen was swept up in the feeling. He wanted to ask what Rian meant. How could he really understand? But, he knew that would mean telling Rian the whole truth. He just couldn't risk it . . . not yet. "Thanks, man." Dylen said. "It's good to know that I haven't screwed up totally." The two let their hands drop, and the feeling lessened. But, it never went away.
Dylen decided to change the subject again. "So, you really think that I could do something in a gym, huh?"
Rian smiled, "Yeah, I really do. We could put arms like this on you in no time." Rian held up his right arm and flexed the biceps. A huge peak arose with a large vein going down just off center. The peak was perfectly balanced by a massive triceps hanging below. Rian dropped the pose after a second, but Dylen felt a huge surge in his groin. 'NO!!' he screamed reflexively in his head. With a massive grab at self control, Dylen felt the promised hard-on pass.
After almost losing it, Dylen didn't know why he continued, but he did. "Sometimes I wish I could get bigger, look better. Workout, you know? I just don't know anything about that kind of stuff except that if you don't know what you're doing you could really hurt yourself."
Rian's eyes lit with excitement. It was a way in, to maybe help his friend, and more, if this feeling meant what he thought it did. "Do you really mean that?"
"Mean what?"
"Well, if you want to, you can workout with me. I could even take you up to campus sometime before fall. Show you around."
Dylen was taken aback. "I couldn't help you in a workout. I wouldn't know where to start. I'd probably hold you back anyway."
"You don't have to know where to start. That'd be my job. I don't have a workout partner, and a partner helps a lot, even if you're not lifting the same weights. The encouragement helps. I want to, if you're willing. It won't be easy. If you're serious, it'll hurt like hell sometimes. But, I've never found a better way to deal with stress and you might even like it. All you need to do is say yes."
Dylen thought it over. With what just happened, could he maintain control around Rian in a place like a gym? Could he hide what he was feeling? If he couldn't it would all be over. But, something he couldn't figure out told him it would be worth the risk. "What do I have to do?"
"Just trust your trainer. Do you have time to come to the house with me for a couple of hours? Our pool is open if you want to take a swim. We could even start working out in the morning, if you want."
"I can go now, sure. And I've got the whole summer to myself after graduation. But, I can't start tomorrow. I'm not allowed to so that sort of thing on Sundays. I've got to go to Church." Dylen replied.
"No problem. We'll find a schedule that works. Let's go." Rian threw his arm around Dylen's shoulder. Dylen remembered that feeling, the comforting weight of Rian's arm, just like the dream. The two young men, excited for their own reasons, walked out of the door to Dylen's room.
"What's all the college stuff on your desk?" Rian asked.
"Scholarship offers. You know, I won valedictorian this year."
"All those are scholarship offers? I shouldn't be surprised though. You always were the smartest person in school. Hey, valedictorian means a speech. How's it coming?"