Sans Vous Je Suis Rien

Sans Vous Je Suis Rien -- Part Nine

It's been a while so I thought I ought to try and get something out, so here it is, a little short but it's better than nothing.

Usual legal stuff applies; this is fiction and doesn't reflect the real world. I do not know any of the people named and I do not claim that this bares any resemblance to the people in reality (sexually or otherwise).

Thanx to all those who took time to write, even during my rather long absence.

Chapter Twenty-Two

I began to indicate and headed up the slip road and off the motorway. I had just driven Justin and myself from London to Leicestershire and we were now only twenty minutes from my home. Over the past fortnight I had gradually become more and more excited about this, my first trip home in nearly a year. Justin hadn't been too pleased this morning when my excitement woke me up at six o'clock. The night before we had fallen asleep together as per usual.

I still wasn't sure if we were together properly or not. Over the past week we had grown together rather than us having made a conscious decision to be together. I still had my doubts about how any relationship would work once we were back in the U.S., but all those worries were thousands of miles away right now, quite literally. Somehow in being in the UK I could forget (at least ignore) the problems we (more like I) faced back in America. As a couple we weren't doing anything more hardcore than kissing, not that I complained. Our 'relationship' hadn't taken any giant leaps forward; it had simply evolved from a friendship into something more over the past seven days. I know we had done things before coming to the UK, but that had the feeling of illegitimacy that put a limit on how emotionally attached either of us could get, plus there was all the aggravation from Chris, which had thrown my mind into a whirlwind on several occasions.

Now that Justin had found out about my past I knew that I had to tell him everything if we were to last beyond the flight back to the US.

"Are we nearly there yet?" Justin whined next to me.

"Just about" I laughed.

"I can't believe you live so close to London" Justin commented as I drove the car through a winding village centre, "It's been just over an hour and a half."

"It's far enough" I smiled, turning at a set of traffic lights.

"Are we nearly there yet?"

"Shut up" I laughed.

My phone rang.

"Could you get that please Justin?" I asked, not wanting to have to talk on my mobile whilst driving.

"Sure" Justin replied as he picked up the device and pressed the green button. "Hello, Darren's phone." He paused as the caller spoke. "He's sitting next to me... That's right I'm Justin... No... Not really," Justin looked at me and smiled slightly, "Yes."

"Who is that?" I asked Justin as he continued his conversation with the person who called my phone.

"Your mom."

"My mum" I stressed.

"How much longer?" Justin asked me.

"About twenty minutes"

"Twenty minutes" Justin relayed to my mum down the phone.

"Tell her we've just passed Westerleigh-on-the-Hill." I instructed. Justin passed the message on before finishing the conversation.

Twenty-five minutes later (we got stuck behind a tractor crawling along) I passed the sign announcing that we were now in Dunford St. Mary's, my home village. The main road snaked gently, edged by the Victorian villas before passing over the humped-back bridge near the church. I lived at the other end of the village where new houses had been built in the 70's. I indicated and pulled onto the estate road that wound its way up towards my house which was right on the edge of the estate with its back onto the fields.

"These houses are certainly packed in" Justin noticed, "Were they short of space or something?"

"Everywhere south of Manchester is short of space. You oughta see the new estates 'round here; barely five foot between the houses there."

"That must be terrible for privacy."

"That's why my mum still lives here." I said as I pulled the car up outside the typical mid-seventies English house that was my home until a year ago. The house may have been from the post-war housing boom and therefore ugly as anything but it backed onto the common and that was the true reason why mum stayed. I had barely turned the engine off before my mum burst out of the front door and came running up to the car.

"Darren! C'est fantastique te voir." Mum called out.

"Mamman!" I exclaimed as I jumped out of the car and into her arms. We hadn't seen each other since I had got on that plane for New York all those months ago.

"Et qui est ceci?" She indicated Justin who was struggling to get the cases out of the boot.

"This is Justin Timberlake" I announced, "And Justin, this is my mother, Hélène."

"Pleased to meet you." Justin said in his most respectable voice as he held out his hand to mum.

"I won't bite!" Mum said with her French accent as she laughed as Justin turned on his patented charm.

"I'll take the cases inside" Justin said as he blushed from being found out.

"Il est puits mignon." Mum whispered.

"Mum!" I exclaimed at her brashness.

"Quoi?"

"Il n'y avait aucun besoin de dire cela!" I replied.

"Mais il est mignon." Mum laughed, "Tu ne penses pas ainsi?"

"Of course..." I mused for a second before the reality of the situation kicked in, "Oh mon dieu! Je ne puis pas croire que je t'ai dit cela!"

Mum laughed again before we both followed Justin into the house.

Chapter Twenty-Three

"What have you two got planned for tomorrow?" My mum asked in her lightly accented voice.

"Nothing much." I replied, "A nice lie-in I guess. That's if you have nothing you want to do" I asked Justin. The three of us had just finished dinner and were still sitting around the table finishing off our wine.

"Well there is one thing I'd like to do." Justin spoke up.

"Go on then" I prompted.

"How about we go to Church?"

Justin's idea caused mum's eyebrow to raise itself. I wasn't exactly sure how to respond.

"Church?" I questioned.

"Yeap"

"I, umm... I guess we could go." I managed to get out.

"Why the odd response?" Justin asked, noticing the response, "If you don't want to go..."

"I'll go." I stated, cutting Justin off.

"I think that I'll leave you both to it, if that's OK?" Mum said. I nodded.

"What time do they start?" I asked mum as she began to clear some of the condiments from the table.

"I don't know. There's leaflet in the recycling bin about their Christmas stuff, that might help."

I glanced over to Justin who simply smiled back at me, showing a hint of his immaculately white teeth. Somewhere inside me a warm feeling stirred.

"I'll take our plates out and get that leaflet." I said as I stood and picked up both our plates and my glass of wine.

I put the plates in the dishwasher and picked up my glass again. I turned to go out the backdoor to the recycling bin and something on the side caught my eye; a knife, no the knife. I inhaled sharply from shock and stepped backwards a little quickly, dropping my wine glass in the process.

"Is everything okay in there?" Justin called from the dining room.

"Yeah. I just dropped my glass that's all." I replied as I quickly cleared the mess.

"Butterfingers" Justin laughed as I returned to the table a few minutes later.

"And don't they taste so good." I replied as I seductively sucked on one of my 'butterfingers'.

"Tease!"

"You love me really." I joked. Justin looked uneasy for a second.

"Did you get the church thing?" Justin asked.

"Sorry. Completely forgot" I apologised as I exited to go and find the leaflet.

'Did Justin just react the way I think he did?' I asked myself, unnerved by his response to my joke. I shrugged the feeling off; after all I was probably just imagining it and headed outside for the recycle bin.

Chapter Twenty-Four

It was horrifically early on Sunday morning. The sun was still struggling into the sky in the East and Justin and I were walking over the frosty ground towards the village church.

"I haven't done this is years" I thought out loud as we crossed the North Common and headed towards the footbridge that lead to the spire that poked above the bare trees on the other bank of the village stream.

"I thought you used to sing in the choir all the time?" Justin said.

"I did." I answered, "I meant it's a long time since I actually went to a service."

"But you're Catholic"

"That's a technicality" I smiled, "I gave up on the major religions a long time ago."

"I'm a Christian." Justin stated with a hint of trepidation in his voice.

"I know you are."

"Well, okay then" Justin smiled.

"I can't see any problem with our religious compatibility."

"I can" Justin said. I stopped in my tracks, dreading that Justin was about to announce that I would burn in hell for kissing another guy. "I'm not sure how my mom's gonna take us being together. She has more traditional views on the subject matter."

"Did she ever find out about you and Joey?" I asked feeling a little odd that I was prying into Justin's emotional past.

"Yeah, she wasn't very happy then either."

"But you seem to have a good relationship with your mum now?"

"When Joey and I split, I told her it was a phase and that I really liked Britney all along."

"Oh" I mouthed. We began walking again.

"Hey!" I yelled, stopping again, "You said that we're together!"

"We are" Justin laughed.

"But we never really said so."

"So let's say it now." Justin grinned as he held out his hand for me to take as we walked onwards towards the church.

Saint Mary's sat on a bend in the brook surrounded by the medieval graveyard. The church itself had originally been built nearly 1,000 years ago by the Normans but only the east wall remained from that structure after most of the structure was destroyed in the civil war. The current church was built after the re-instating of monarchy and so avoided the plain interiors of the Puritan churches of the commonwealth years. I always thought that the highly ornate interior of Saint Mary's was one of the things that made me love the traditional church. The trees that lined the churchyard were just about bare of leaves now, the morning haw still on their branches. We crossed over the old stone bridge. The vicar stood at the church gates, waiting to welcome any worshippers. Justin and I were the only other people around.

"Darren Filkin!" the vicar exclaimed as he saw me approach, "We haven't seen you around here for a long time."

"Morning Vicar" I replied. Justin's hand tried to escape from mine. I gently squeezed back in response to try and reassure Justin. Justin got the message and left his hand were it was.

"And who is this young man?" The Vicar said turning his attention to Justin.

"Justin Timberlake." I said making the introduction.

"Are you two...?" The vicar asked.

Justin and I looked at each other for a second before nodding our heads.

"Good!" The vicar exclaimed, "You deserve happiness Darren." Justin's eyebrow questioned the context of that remark, but I decided to ignore it for now.

"Are you both here for the service?"

"Why else would we be up at this hour of the morning?" I laughed.

"You could have been up all night" The vicar suggested, smiling, "You never know with the youth of today."

"We're good little boys" I said with an overly sickly tone.

"Of course you are, and I'm the pope!" All three of us burst out laughing. "Are you coming in? It's quite cold out here." The vicar asked after we had stopped laughing, motioning for us to go inside. We followed him into the building.

"Well, he's unlike any reverend I've ever met." Justin commented as we sat down on a pew in the middle of the church. A few old people sparsely occupied the front two rows, a small family sat over on one side but a part from that the place was empty.

"He's cool" I mused as I flicked through the prayer book.

"You used to sing in here?" Justin asked as he took in the vaulted ceiling and oak decorations.

"Yeap"

"This place must have fantastic acoustics."

"I guess it does, if you're in the choir bit." The organ changed song, signalling the start of the service.

I spent most of the service desperately trying to think my way through my current situation. Justin and I were actually together, and hopefully not just until we got on the plane back to the states. But then there was the problem of my secret past. I had already broken a promise to tell Justin about it and now I only had a few more days in which to keep another. I still wasn't ready to spill my guts to anyone about what I had gone through back then, it still wasn't all that clear to me. I couldn't rationalise my behaviour at all and surely Justin wouldn't just take it all at face value. If I were he I would want to make sure that I didn't do any of it again. I owed it to him to explain myself, or did I? It suddenly struck me that the reason why I couldn't explain my behaviour back then was because I was no longer the same person, I had moved onwards and upwards from that time.

I looked over to Justin and smiled broadly as we all stood to sing the first hymn.

"I've never seen a protestant service like that." Justin said as we exited the church after an hour or so.

"It's Anglican, what else can I say" I laughed as I headed off towards the gate leading to the main road. My mood had been altered by my thoughts during the service; I didn't feel like chitchat.

"Didn't we come that way?" Justin said pointing over to the footbridge and back the way we had walked earlier.

"Yes, but I fancied taking a different route home."

"I don't like the way you say 'root'," Justin said imitating me.

"Whatever" I replied, my mind otherwise occupied. I maintained my direction and walked off towards the village centre.

"What's wrong?" Justin asked as he walked beside me, "I didn't mean to force you to come against your will."

"You didn't" I replied, "I'm just thinking that's all."

"What about?"

"About my past" I said shyly.

"Oh" Justin whispered clearly not sure of what else he should say.

"I'm not gonna pass out again!" I laughed at Justin's expression of helplessness.

"You say that but..." Justin tried to say but I cut him off with an admonishing look.

"I've already said that I'll come clean before we go back to the US."

Justin looked reasonably satisfied with that.

We walked through the village streets, deserted as it was a Sunday and everywhere was closed. The sunlight was melting the morning frost as we approached a row of tall iron railings.

"This is my old school." I said as I leant against the railings and looked up at the austere Victorian building that formed the older part of the school. Justin stood next to me so that our arms were touching. "Pete went here too." I held onto Justin's hand.

"Peter Baynon" Justin mused as he looked up at the brick façade. "What was up with him anyway?"

"I'm not really sure," I answered as my mind displayed Pete's face to me. I squeezed Justin's hand for a second. "I guess he was just your run-of-the-mill homophobe."

"Like Chris" Justin stated.

"But worse"

"Worse? Chris practically beat you to a pulp!"

"Pete did that on several occasions" I said despondently as I turned to walk along the front of the school. "When I came out at school, everyone was OK, except Pete. He had it in for me from high school."

Justin listened intently as I described my scholastic past.

"We both were on the football team, that's soccer to you" I smiled despite my emotions, "After he got over the fact that a gay guy was on the team we settled down for a while."

"Sounds like he only needed to get to know you" Justin commented.

"Well he certainly did that." I thought out loud rather cryptically. "When we entered our final year the captainship became vacant. Both Pete and I were in the running. In the end the coach chose me over him."

"I'm just guessing, but he wasn't happy with that was he?"

"He waited until we were all getting changed. Then he pushed me into the shower, fully clothed. He and his goons then threw a couple of punches and left." I said, recalling the terror I had felt when I stood under the shower, surrounded by people who wanted me never to have existed. I shuddered at the memory.

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?" Justin asked.

"What?"

"Did you try and kill yourself because of them bullying you?"

"Not really" I thought, trying to maintain control over my emotions. Justin gave me a questioning look. "The week after I decided to go to football training as usual, Pete had assumed I wouldn't and for the whole two hours we were out on the field he was trying to stamp on my legs or tackle me hard. But the real problems were caused when I scored after Pete took a dive." I swallowed, my mouth was dry with fear, "We were just about fighting in the penalty box when the teacher sent us both inside for an early shower."

"He sent you off alone?"

"That's what I thought so I decided to go straight home rather than have a shower with Pete." I wiped a stray tear from my cheek.

"So it you just went home?"

"No. Something much worse happened." I quickened my pace slightly, still clasping Justin's hand in mine.

"OK" Justin stated frankly, "You're scaring me." He face mirrored the sense of immense anxiety in his voice.

"Imagine how I feel." I sniffed back a tear, "I'm scared to even think about it all; even now I don't know what remembering what happened will do to me." I glanced up and down the street trying to make sure no one was watching two international celebrities hanging around together. Justin's spare hand swept another tear from my cheek.

"Please tell me what happened" Justin begged, holding my face in such a way that I couldn't avoid eye contact.

I stared into those eyes and something inside me snapped.

"I can't" whispered apologetically, scared of what Justin would say. I didn't really wait for a reply; I simply released Justin's hand and stepped away before running down the street, not thinking about where I was going. Every pace caused memories to stir, tears to fall and my heart to crack a little more. I finally stopped when I ran into a fence. Behind me the sound of running indicated that Justin was only a few paces back. I looked up, in front of me, just beyond the fence, was a long, gently sloping bank leading down to a path that ran close to the brook and into some trees. The sight caused me to break down completely. I was crying so hard that I had to grasp onto the fence in order to keep upright. My legs gave way and I slid down towards the muddy ground.

"Darren!" Justin exclaimed as he arrived out of breath. When he saw me state he grabbed onto my shoulders and tried to pull me to my feet. I tried to apologise again but I doubt Justin would have understood anything that I was saying as I was crying that much.

Finally I managed to calm down enough to make a coherent sentence.

"I scares me so much Justin, I don't want to let it out."

"You're gonna have to, and soon." Justin whispered as he embraced me. His warmth wrapping itself around my scarred heart. I gently pulled from his arms.

"You're right" I said resolutely, "and that time is now." Justin gave me a funny look, trying to see if I had gone completely insane. "Come on, let's go and sit down, this is gonna take a while." We clambered over the fence and walked with Justin over to a bench that overlooked the common below us.

"That's the house over there" I said, trying to procrastinate, as I pointed to my mum's house about a quarter of a mile down the common.

"Darren." Justin reprimanded.

"OK" I inhaled sharply, preparing myself.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Justin asked, placing his hand on mine.

"I made a promise and an Englishman's word is everything."

Justin nodded, understanding my need to get this all off my chest.

"You already know about the stuff at football training right?" I asked referring to the conversation we had just had outside the school.

"Sure" Justin answered meekly.

"Well, I'm not really sure what happened to cause this or anything, but Pete was so pissed off that I has decided to skip a beating. I stopped on my way out of school to pick up some books from the library; if I had left right away my life would be so different now..." I thought out loud.

"What happened?"

"I left the school from the side gate and walked along the road here until I passed the main school gate. Pete's car raced out of there and he tried to run me over."

"Fucking bastard!" Justin cursed under his breath.

"I just about managed to keep ahead of him and get over this fence." I glanced around to try and get my bearings, "I guess it would have been about fifty yards that way." I indicated the spot where I had climbed over the wooden fence in a desperate attempt to avoid fate. I blinked back tears as I tried to clear the emotional fog from my memory. I could still feel the pain in my ankle as I landed after getting over the fence, I think by that stage I knew I couldn't out-run Pete. He had always been faster on the football pitch so what could I achieve with a wounded ankle? Still, I scrambled to my feet and threw myself headlong into a run down the hill. My heart was beating so fast it hurt as much as my twisted ankle did every time I ran on it. I couldn't stop running, I still hadn't.

I looked up to see Justin's face wearing a pained expression.

"I did my ankle in when I landed" I continued my story, "I ran down the hill, to the path there, Pete following on foot." I paused to allow a sob to escape; thinking about the memory still burnt my mind. Justin placed his arm around my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. "I think he was about to give up when I stumbled on a lump in the pavement, breaking my arm in the process." I desperately tried to keep my crying to a minimum, but I failed as the images and feelings flooded back.

"Shit" Justin whispered.

"Pete simply grabbed my bad arm and yanked me into the trees where he produced a knife." I managed to get out as I dissolved further into tears. The image of Pete pushing that knife against my side and forcing me into those trees, only a few hundred metres away, coupled with the resurgence of the terror I had felt at that instant ate into my heart.

"Please tell me he didn't" Justin said, his arm loosening its hold on my shoulders from shock.

I didn't have to say anymore to Justin, it was clear what had happened to me.

"FUCK!" Justin shouted as he leapt up from the bench "That fucking bastard!"

"Justin" I said quietly as his shouting cut through me, "Sit down, the whole village'll hear you." I wasn't in the mood to deal with Justin going off on one over all of this.

"I want them to hear!" Justin countered, "I want them to know I hate Peter Baynon!" Justin shouted out over the common causing a dog somewhere to begin barking.

"Sit down!" I commanded.

"Don't tell me what to do."

"My god!" I exclaimed, "Why am I bothering to tell you this?"

"Because you promised me, your boyfriend!" Justin jabbed his finger at me angrily.

"It's nothing to do with you!" I screamed, standing from the bench, "I was chased, I was raped, I was left for dead, I kept quiet about it all because I thought it would happen again and I tried to kill myself!"

"I'm sorry..." Justin mumbled, taken aback by my outburst, "I didn't think."

"No shit, and to think you're the first person I've ever told all this to!" I yelled at Justin as rivers of tears made their way down my cheeks.

"You never told your mom?"

"Not about the..." I faltered before forcing myself to say it, "rape."

"For fuck's sake!" Justin yelled, "no wonder you tried to kill yourself, you didn't want other people's help!"

"Don't you dare pass judgement on my past!" I responded as I stood, "You know nothing about my past!"

"I know you're pretty fucked-up in the head!" Justin shouted back making 'crazy' gestures with his hand.

I stared at him for a second; his eyes betrayed his guilt for the previous statement. However I wasn't in a forgiving mood. I stormed off down the hill before Justin could get his bearings again after the shouting match.

"Darren!" Justin called out, but to no avail.

I was just about at the bottom of the hill when Justin managed to catch up with me; I walk fast when pissed off.

"Darren!" Justin repeated as he grabbed onto my shoulder in an attempt to stop me from walking any further. "I'm sorry. I didn't think."

I turned to face Justin and then something in my brain clicked. I closed my eyes to try and rid my face of tears, I wanted to make sure what I was about to say didn't appear related to my anger.

"Justin" I said calmly, "This isn't going to work."

"You're telling me" Justin cracked a smile, "You don't have to tell me right now. Wait until you can..."

"Not that," I paused, trying to force the words out, "us."

Justin simply stared at me.

"What are you saying?" Came the clichéd line.

"I'm saying that I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet Justin."

"But everything was going great wasn't it?" Justin exclaimed as his eyes filled with tears.

"Yes, everything was fantastic." I smiled as I thought back over the last couple of weeks. Fresh tears sprang from my eyes.

"Then why? Why are you putting a halt to us before we even it a chance?" Justin whispered, tears falling from his eyes.

"Because of me." I stated as I took Justin's hand in mine.

"I already said that I'd wait until you're ready to tell me..."

"Not that." I said, "I'm scared. Scared of myself."

Justin gave me an odd look.

"Last time I was under this amount of stress I..."

"You tried to kill yourself" Justin finished sombrely. I nodded as I my eyes dropped to our joined hands.

"I'll get the next flight home" Justin said after a few seconds, "I don't want to intrude on your time at home."

I nodded, wishing I could say 'No, stay. I didn't mean it' but that wasn't an option.

I fished in my pockets and pulled out the keys to the hire car. I looked up, into Justin's eyes as I handed them to him. Justin stared into my eyes for a few more seconds before staring at the keys.

"Goodbye" he whispered as he began to pull away from me. I held onto his hand causing him to stop.

"I'll see you back on the other side of the pond." I whispered after having stepped over to where Justin had stopped, our noses almost touching. Justin's tear-streaked face lightened slightly at the notion. I tilted my head slightly and our lips met for a final time, not in a kiss of passion but in one of pure love. It was in that moment that my heart broke, tearing itself between its love for Justin and the need for the emotional stability of single life.

We stayed motionless, lip-locked, for about a minute, our tears running together. Justin broke the kiss.

"I'll see you state-side." Justin whispered as he stepped back, away from me and 'us'.

"Sure" I whispered back in reply.

Justin turned and headed off towards the footbridge across the brook before turning to walk towards the house that I had pointed out back on the bench on top of the hill.

I walked over to a nearby bench that was next to the brook, crying at what I had just forced myself to do. I sat down, not wanting to look up in case Justin was looking back and my will was broken, so I simply watched the ducks that waddled around my feet and cried.

End of Part Nine.

T.B.C.

Well, I'm sorry it took so long for me to produce this rather short instalment. I've been busy with university and life in general, but I'll try harder honest :-)

Comments, questions, etc. send them to svjsr@hotmail.com

JJ