Thanx to all those who have written to me. Everyone else; come on, how much effort does it take?
As Descartes would have said 'The only thing I know is that I exist', therefore everything here is a figment of my imagination and does not reflect, in any way, the real world (if indeed there is one...).
Chapter Twelve
Justin gently pulled out of the embrace and looked me in the face. Both our eyes were red from crying and tears still made their way down our cheeks.
"We'd better go back inside" Justin said solemnly. I nodded in response, not able to articulate any words in that state. Justin helped me back down the stairs and onto the hallway which was filled with people and shouting.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing!" JC screamed at Chris.
"What we all should have done a long time ago!" Chris replied. Lance had positioned himself in between the pair to try and stop the argument degrading into another fight. Various members of security looked on, I knew they would not intervene unless it got really bad; it was far better for the group to 'work it out of their system' than get involved and cause a problem to fester. A few members of the people associated with me stood behind the security personnel gawping at the scene. Joey stood in the doorway to JC's room, meekly watching the proceedings. Britney was pacing the corridor looking flustered but ignoring the general melee going on around her. The spectacle of the argument between JC and Chris and the apparent promise of a fight kept everyone's attention from Justin and I for which I was thankful, I didn't feel like everyone I worked with staring at me almost naked and needing physical (as well as emotional) support from Justin.
I tried to steer Justin towards the room that Steve and I were supposed to be sharing. Our door was closest and I didn't want to chance staying out in the corridor for too long.
"Where are you going?" Justin asked.
"To my room" I answered squeezing my eyes shut as the act of talking caused the pain in my abdomen to expand.
"No you're not, you need someone to keep an eye on you"
"Steve'll do that," I murmured in response, turning back towards my door.
"Steve's not back yet" Justin answered, "You'll sleep in my room." I wasn't about to start another argument and was in no mood for one either, so I gave in and allowed Justin to drag me to his (and Britney's room). I mentally frowned, I remembered Steve getting in the taxi with us.
"I thought he rode back with us," I said quietly to Justin.
"He did, but only to pick up some stuff. He left just after you'd gone into JC's room. Claimed to be meeting up with a friend." Justin explained. I nodded.
As we made our way down the corridor Britney spotted us.
"Oh my god! Darren, are you OK? Justin is he OK?" She flustered running over to us. We both nodded in synchrony. Britney's questioning had alerted everyone else to our presence and all the eyes, which were fixed upon the argument between Chris and JC, now focused on Justin and I.
"Shit!" Joey exclaimed under his breath but the sudden silence in the hall allowed everyone to hear. My stomach sank even lower, now everyone knew just what had happened and would be tiptoeing around me for days, if not weeks and that is one of the few things that get on my nerves.
Justin led me through his door followed by Britney and a very concerned JC. Lance had been left to deal with the crowd in the corridor.
"What about you and Britney?" I asked quietly as Justin took me through the lounge and into the bedroom.
"Britney's leaving in about an hour. She's got an early flight." Justin replied just as quiet as he remade the bed for me (it had obviously been used earlier in the night and judging by the mess not for sleep). I frowned to myself; it was clearly later than I had thought. Luckily none of us had any commitments until the day of the concert, which could have been tomorrow, next week or yesterday for all my brain could manage. The past hour or so had crawled past, my head was still swimming in the remains of the alcohol and other substances I had consumed and everything that had happened hadn't sunk in yet.
I nodded in understanding as I slowly sank down onto the mattress. A sharp intake of breath on my part indicated that my body was not pleased with the beating it had taken.
"I'll get you some painkillers." Justin said noting my pained expression. He turned and disappeared into the adjoining bathroom.
I must have fallen asleep before he returned because the next thing I remember is Justin opening the bedroom door, letting light flood in. He crept over and climbed into bed trying not to wake me. I didn't feel like talking so I pretended as if he hadn't and quickly drifted back to sleep.
I was standing outside in the hallway wearing my old school uniform (which was strange enough). The floors and walls of the hotel shifted and pulsated repeatedly as if alive whilst the cheap wallpaper crawled across the walls like a cockroach. Slowly I turned, trying to work out what was going on. In one direction the hallway ended in a wall, at the other end was the lift. Half knowing it was a dream I turned and began to walk towards the lift. I was only a few steps from the lift when suddenly its doors opened to reveal Chris and Pete Baynon. Startled I panicked and tried to open one of the other doors, but it was locked. I glanced back to Chris and Pete who were now walking towards me with a deeply menacing look in their eyes that echoed the one I had observed earlier in the evening. They grinned maliciously and Pete pulled a kitchen knife from somewhere. Turning, I ran back down the corridor towards the other end, which was now open to the outside. Tears squeezed out from my eyes in fear. Behind me Chris and Pete also began to run whilst shouting.
"Fucking queer! Little queen! Cock sucker..."
I reached the end of the corridor and looked out and down 40 or so floors. I turned to look back to see if there were another exit but Chris and Pete were only metres away. Holding out my arms in a desperate defence I tried to grab some air between my suffocating sobs. Chris and Pete stopped short leaving me standing on the edge of oblivion crying violently. It slowly dawned on me that I could no longer feel my fingers. I looked up and noticed my hands were shaking much more than the rest of me. Slowly I turned my hands over to try and figure the problem. This revealed twin rivulets of blood, oozing from deep gashes in both my wrists. I screamed at the sight and taking the opportunity while my guard was down, Pete jumped at me sending us both tumbling out of the building and into the cold night air. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the end.
My back impacted the pavement with a force that should have broken every bone in my body, but it didn't. I forced open my eyes to find myself naked and that Pete was lying on top of me and inside me. Violently I arched my back trying to get him off whilst I simultaneously clawed at the concrete pavement and screamed. The chorus of pain jarred my shattered bones and screeched along my every nerve; for the second time in my life, Peter Baynon was penetrating my body and soul. I yelled out at passers by who ignored my calls for help. Pete clamped his hand over my mouth to stop my screams. He brought his face to within an inch of mine. I could smell his acrid breath, a stench, which caused me to vomit, but Pete's hand trapped it in my mouth. I was sick again at the taste of my own bile, forcing vomit into my trachea and causing me to choke. Pete made a final, forceful thrust and arched his back in ecstasy. In this final motion Pete removed his hand from my mouth, releasing the long pent-up scream and prompting me to inhale. My deep breath was not to be as all I succeeded in breathing-in was another mouthful of vomit. The acid burned in my lungs and throat as the seed planted inside me by Pete two years ago was awoken again.
I was suddenly sitting up in bed, I realised I was not choking but screaming from deep within my chest. I halted my scream to gasp for breath, grateful that the foul taste of acid was no longer in my mouth.
"Darren!" Justin shouted, "Darren" Justin said again as he too sat up and pulled me into an embrace. My hyperventilation caused me to go light- headed before the sensation of Justin's body close to mine eased my panic enough that I realised it was indeed just a dream. My fingers clawed unconsciously at my wrists as Justin made calming noises until my breathing returned to normal. I was too scared to even let myself blink in case the nightmare returned. Justin pulled me off him and moved his head to look me in the eyes.
"Are you OK?" Justin asked. I nodded slowly. "What happened? Was it a nightmare?" I nodded again and on seeing that I wasn't about to reveal any more Justin frowned before recommencing the embrace. Together we sank back into a horizontal position and as I still shook Justin shifted us until he was lying with his chest to my back, spooning me. His arms wrapped around my chest, pulling us close and gently hummed a melody, which I did not recognise. The intense heat emanating from his chest in addition to the graceful and effortless harmony of the tune served to soothe my raking sobs slightly. Slowly the two of us fell asleep.
My eyes forced themselves open as the morning light seeped through the hotel curtains. Images from the previous evening swam around in my head and slowly I recollected the full course of events that had occurred. I groaned causing Justin to stir slightly; we were still in the same positions that we were in when we fell asleep the second time. I lay there, secure in Justin's embrace, and thought over the previous day. With Justin's close proximity the pain and strife caused by my presence melted away and I could easily see myself struggling on with everything, with the aid of Justin, Lance and JC. I knew that Chris was a distinct minority and one that I should not give in to. I pondered the thought of going public, but I quickly realised that this would hurt too many people I thought of as friends (plus my contract would leave me liable for legal action if I did). 'Could the damage be undone?' I wondered, I did not want to be the reason for N'Sync's demise. In my heart I felt it could, in my head I wondered if the people concerned would allow it. What could we do to solve this problem?
Then it hit me; there was no 'we'. I was no part of N'Sync and I would have no lasting connections with them either. In a couple of months I would leave the tour and continue alone. In fact my contract to be on the tour ran out in a few weeks, although it was due to be renewed so that I would continue until the end. I could be thrown off the tour to avoid any more 'embarrassments' in only three weeks. 'But that could never happen' I reasoned, 'I have friends that will speak-up for me in my absence'. I shifted my head slightly to feel Justin's warm breath upon my shoulder. I was happy to put up with any torment if only I could wake up to this every morning...
'Shit!' I thought with another sudden realisation; the guy I'm in bed with, the guy who keeps my head together, the guy who alone has the power to keep me on this tour is not my guy. In fact he is straight and engaged to be married to a pop princess in a fortnight. My resolve to stay on the tour no matter what ebbed away.
A sudden wave of guilt over-took me; here I was relishing the embrace and care of a person who should have been giving it to his fiancee. I felt like an instrument of an adulterer. I slowly got out of bed, taking great care not to wake Justin, and made my way into the bathroom.
Locking the door behind me I stepped in front of the mirror and gasped. Three bruises, the largest of which reached around the right-hand side of my body, marked my chest and abdomen. I gently stroked my hand across one of them and hissed as the tender flesh complained about my touch. Leaning forward to the mirror I examined my face; large bags under my eyes were testament to the woes of the previous night. I brought my hand up to sweep my fringe behind my ears but stopped its motion halfway. Slowly I examined my left wrist. I stoked the area with my thumb and noted the now almost invisible scars which commemorated my darker days, memories of which caused tears to spring to my eyes.
"Darren?" Justin called out from the other side of the door causing me to cut short my perusal.
"Uh... Yeah" I replied trying to keep my emotions from my voice and simultaneously wiping any stray tears from my face. "Come in."
"Morning" Justin said poking his head round the door. His eyes took in my battered appearance, "Shit, are you okay?"
"Yeah" I said automatically, "I think I'm gonna head back to my room for a shower" I said as I walked past Justin and back into the bedroom. The feeling that I was doing wrong by staying in Justin's room, let alone spending a night in bed with him was growing stronger and stronger. Of course I realised that Britney knew and had obviously agreed, but she didn't know about the kiss Justin and I had shared.
"You sure?" Justin quizzed as he watched me pick up the pile of my clothes that someone had thoughtfully brought through from JC's room.
"Yes" I answered digging my key out from one of the pockets.
"Well, if you need anything just call OK" Justin added as I made my exit from his room. I nodded, not looking at Justin, and breathed a sigh of relief when I heard his door close. I held in the tears just in case anyone came out of their rooms whilst I was on the corridor. I quickly let myself into my room and closed the door behind me.
I went into the bathroom, undressed (well removed my boxers) and stepped into the shower all before I let my emotions gain any ground. With the warm water cascading over my body I finally let loose my feelings. Just as my body was tender due to the wounds it had incurred, my thoughts were painful from the damaged done in the last twenty-four hours. Every thought I had forced me to bite back another wave of tears and face up to the growing sense of depression that was slowly filling my being. Memories that I thought I had managed to come to terms with along images that still struck fear into the core of my being ran around in my head. I felt as if my emotional state was teetering on the edge of an abyss and I could not stop the slow and inevitable slide over the precipice. My nightmare played over and over in my mind. I brought up a mouthful of bile and spat it down the shower drain. As I watched it swill down the hole, a final wave of tears broke the surface and I began to cry. Only one or two tears at first but soon I could barely see for them. The ache in my abdomen was put in the shade as my heart tore itself asunder. I had to lean against the shower wall to stop myself falling to the floor there and then. Slowly the damp wall coupled with my wet skin let me slide to my knees under the waterfall of the shower. The overwhelming power of my emotions stopped me from standing up again for a long time.
I don't know how long I was like that in the shower for but I was stirred into movement when the water went cold. I got up and turned the water off before stepping out of the shower and slowly drying myself.
I knew what needed to be done. After all, I had faced similar problems before back home. I needed to get away from it all; I needed to leave the tour, but I couldn't for another two weeks. The fourteen days that sound such a short time would drag on forever to me I knew it. I also knew that Justin would probably do anything to help me, but if I let him I could end up breaking up his relationship to Britney. After all she won't put up with Justin abandoning her to comfort me many more times. I didn't want to break up another marriage. It was clear what I had to do.
Chapter Thirteen
I had just collapsed in front of the telly after having got dressed when the phone rang. It was Justin.
"Hey" he said with a certain degree of reservation in his voice.
"Hi" I replied trying to sound normal.
"We're all gonna have breakfast. You in?"
"Nope" I said curtly.
"Nope?" Justin questioned, "Have you already eaten?"
"No."
"Then why aren't you coming?" Justin's voice changed pitch slightly, indicating his mounting confusion.
"'Cus Chris'll be there" I answered, changing the TV channel.
"You're not coming because of him?" Justin exclaimed, "You realise then he will have won. We can't just give in like that!"
I sighed.
"Justin, there isn't an 'us', this is my battle, my problem"
"Yeah, but you're gonna have to see him sometime. You're on tour with us for another few months yet!"
"No I'm not. I'm leaving as soon as possible" I replied, turning the TV off.
"What!" Justin yelled down the phone, "You're leaving?"
"Yeap" I answered without emotion, "As soon as my contract runs out"
"But us four can handle Chris. He won't cause trouble again." Justin tried to explain, "N'Sync will last through this. There's no need to worry. We... I won't let him hurt you again." Justin added.
"It's not about N'Sync any more Justin. I'm doing this for me alone." I replied.
"I'm coming round" Justin stated, "See you in a minute"
I placed the receiver back in its cradle and made a little effort to tidy a large pile of clothes on the floor. The depression that had gripped me only an hour or so ago was now well hidden behind the facade I now wore to avoid the interest of others. I knew that if Lance, JC, Justin or Steve saw that I was down in any way, they would try and dig the problem out of me as a group. Which would really screw-up the idea of maintaining emotional distance from the N'Synckers.
I looked over at Steve's un-slept-in bed. I saw a small note that I hadn't noticed before sitting on the table by Steve's bed. I lent over and read it:
'Hey Darren,
I've gone to see a friend that I met up with at the party. We did a small tour together a few years back. Took some stuff. I'll be back tomorrow sometime.
Steve'
A feeling of worry made itself felt in my stomach, but I knew Steve would be sensible and that he was able to look after himself as much as the rest of us.
A knock at the door made me jump slightly. I folded the note up and suck it in my pocket as I walked over to open the door.
Justin and Lance were standing there.
"Come in" I said.
"Morning" Lance replied as he entered followed by Justin who simply nodded towards me.
"How are you feeling this morning?" Lance asked as he sat down on the edge of my bed.
"Well..." I started, knowing that divulging my injuries would cause Lance, and maybe Justin, to worry even more. "I've got a large bruise here," I indicated with my hand the tender area of my abdomen, "and a lump here" I pointed to the back of my head. Justin and I sat down on the bed.
Lance stood up and felt through my hair for the lump. When is fingers found it he made a sympathetic hissing noise.
"That's big!" Lance stated.
"Does it hurt?" Justin asked.
"Only when Lance is prodding it" I tried to joke, but no one else was in the mood. "How's JC? He got hit pretty hard last night," I asked, changing the subject slightly.
"He's OK" Justin answered
"A small bruise, he'll be fine" Lance continued.
"And Chris?" I ventured. Justin and Lance looked at each other for a second.
"No one's spoken to him this morning," Lance stated coldly.
"When I spoke to Joey, he said he hadn't spoke to him either" Justin said.
"What mood is Joey in?" I asked.
"Well, he's just as shocked as the rest of us." Justin started.
"He's real pissed off with Chris" Lance commented.
"I was surprised he wasn't directing Chris's punches!" Justin quipped.
"I don't know," I began, "Joey's odd."
"You can say that again" Lance laughed.
"No, I mean, I just don't get him. I don't know what he's gonna do from one minute to the next" I explained.
"Yeah" Justin agreed, "It's kinda surprising he's acting like this. After all he i..." Justin stopped mid sentence as Lance nudged him rather strongly.
"Justin says you're gonna leave the tour" Lance suddenly said, changing the subject from Joey back to me.
"Well, when my contract runs out, yes" I replied.
"You're just giving in and leaving?" Lance asked. I rolled my eyes.
"Yes, I'm just leaving. No more fighting, no more arguing and no more violence!" I said rather angrily.
"Chris'll win, you know" Justin said.
"I know. I don't care!"
"For god's sake!" Lance yelled suddenly taking both Justin and I aback, "Chris is in the wrong here, not you! Why should you give up a great opportunity?"
"You've gotta stay and fight Darren" Justin said.
"No I don't!" I shouted, standing from the bed, "You guys don't get it do you? I don't want to... I can't fight anymore!"
"Us two can help you" Justin offered.
"I don't want help! I want it all to be over!" I yelled back in reply. "Did Justin tell you about last night?" I asked Lance harshly.
"No" Lance said sounding puzzled. He turned to Justin.
"Darren had a nightmare, a pretty bad one, that's all!" Justin said.
"See! Chris is getting into my head!" I said triumphantly, "I'm not gonna stay on the tour to act as some crusader for gay-rights if it's gonna damage me!"
Lance frowned and Justin looked as if I'd hurt him.
"I just can't do this any more, okay?" I tried to explain in a calmer voice, "I've been fighting back and struggling on for the last five years. I thought it was all over when I moved over here, but I was wrong."
"So you're running away, again?" Justin shouted in frustration.
"Yes Justin, I'm running away! Away from a madman!" I replied, matching Justin's tone.
"I can't believe it" Justin said, suddenly sad, "You're leaving us, you're leaving me?" His eyes welled up.
"Justin, there is no 'us'" I answered.
"I thought we were friends" Justin replied.
"We are, but we were never gonna work together for very long in any case." I said, trying to placate Justin's emotions.
"So it's just 'fuck-off' again is it!?" Justin tried to shout back but his rising emotions swallowed the strength of his voice. The three of us stood for a second, no one saying anything, before Justin made a huffing noise and walked out the room.
"Shit!" Lance exclaimed under his breath.
"What?" I asked sharply.
"Wow, calm down Darren"
"Oh no... look I'm sorry... it's just," I stammered, "What's up with Justin?"
Lance made a sniggering noise.
"You can't tell?" he asked with a smirk spreading across his face.
"What?"
"He talks about you all day and all night. He stares at you as if you were a glazed ham and he tried to kiss you"
I gave Lance a 'so what?' stare prompting him to continue.
"Darren, Justin has a major crush on you!" Lance explained.
My jaw unhinged itself. A hundred different expressions passed across my face as my brain tried to analyse Lance's revelation.
"He fancies me?" I asked to make sure I hadn't misheard.
"He has a crush on you" Lance repeated.
"Well, I, I" I went back to stammering, "I guess that would make a lot of things make sense." Lance nodded, smiling at the shock he had caused in me. "I mean, I put the kiss down to alcohol, but car thingy... God, it does make sense!" I said wide-eyed.
"You really had no idea?" Lance asked, his smile fading as he realised he had revealed something that might cause more trouble.
"Well, I guess there were clues, but I didn't see them" I said, still in a mild state of shock. "Are you sure he's not just having second thoughts about the wedding, or maybe he just 'curious'?"
I hate that term 'curious' I'm sure it's only used when people don't want to admit to being bisexual.
"Justin's not curious." Lance stated rather succinctly.
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's not for me to say, but Justin's really not as innocent as is made out for the press" Lance replied semi-cryptically.
"You mean that..."
"You'll have to ask Justin. That's all I'm saying." Lance stated.
"Then why are you telling me this? Justin's wedding's in two weeks, none of this will make any difference after that." I asked.
"I just thought you should know, that's all"
"Why?" I demanded.
"Look," Lance began, "We all know that your friendship with Justin has occasionally overstepped the line and headed into 'couple' territory. I just want you to know the facts before another of those things happen and you end up back in the shit."
I paused to think for a second. Was Lance telling me to try and curb any advances made by Justin or to stop coming on to him? And, was Lance concerned for me, Justin, or him and the group? I mulled it over for a second before deciding to give Lance the benefit of the doubt.
"Plus" Lance continued, "I'm not sure how committed Justin is to this marriage he's about to get himself into."
"Thanks Lance, but I know the trouble Justin's kiss got us both into." I said, trying to avoid patronising Lance. "I've been thinking a lot about it recently anyway and I kinda come to the same conclusions about me and him. But I think that Justin knows what he's getting himself in for and that he is ready to commit to Britney."
"He's ready to commit" Lance stated with a not-too-discrete undertone.
"Or be committed!" I quipped causing Lance and I to dissolve into laughter. The humour drowned the thoughts that were still in my head from my shower, but it did not kill them.
When we stopped laughing we both sat in silence for a minute or two before Lance suddenly spoke.
"You got anything on today?"
"No" I replied.
"Well, fancy going shopping or something?" Lance asked. I thought about it for a second before answering.
"Won't you get mobbed?"
"No, well probably not" Lance said, "One of us is far more innocuous than al five of us. Plus I many fans don't recognise us in our 'civilian' clothes"
"Well, if you're sure" I said reluctantly.
"It'll be fine. Shall I invite Justin or JC?"
"No" I said after a slight pause, "Let's go alone. Besides if they come along you're more likely to get noticed, right?"
"Oh yeah" Lance smiled.
Lance phoned JC to say where he was going before we set about leaving.
"We can't just walk out!" Lance said as I headed out the door.
"Why?" I asked, confused.
"Because if anyone sees us we'll have a security guard in tow all afternoon." Lance explained.
"Oh" I said as if I should have known all along.
I stuck my head out into the corridor and looked for any people that would cause trouble if I were found sneaking an international celebrity out of their hotel.
"Coast's clear" I said seeing the hallway was empty.
We quickly walked down the hall towards the lift
"No, let's go down a floor before we get the elevator" Lance said opening the door to the stairwell and holding it open for me.
We arrived at the mall after a short taxi ride and remained there until the shops threw us out after closing time.
"Oh my god! I couldn't believe that women in the jewellers' when you pulled out you platinum card!" I laughed.
"What about that women in La Senza?" Lance replied also laughing.
"Well you shouldn't have asked her to estimate your bra size when she asked you if you needed help!"
Lance and I were squeezed into the hotel lift with a dozen or so shopping bags. Our credit cards had taken such a bashing. I was surprised they hadn't melted with the amount of times they were swiped.
The lift doors opened at our floor and we practically fell out of it laughing.
"Hey guys," for some reason Justin was in the hall, "Where've y'all been?"
"Shopping!" Lance and I replied in unison causing us to laugh even more.
"Hey, look, I gotta go and unpack all this. I'll see you two later, K?"
"Sure" I replied for both Justin and I as I opened my door.
I pushed it open and forced my way through the doorway with all my bags.
"I see Steve's been back" I said seeing that his bag had been dumped on my bed.
"Yeah," Justin answered as he followed me in, "He dropped that off before going to dinner with the guy"
I raised an eyebrow in response. I guess people do turn to old friends when they get dumped.
"Why didn't you ask me to come?" Justin said poking through my purchases.
"'Cus we thought you'd be busy organising the wedding and shit"
"Britney's doing all that" Justin replied, "I just thought that with you leaving you'd want to spend a little time with me that's all" Justin sounded dejected.
"I do want to spend time with you; with you all in fact." I sat down at one end of a couch and Justin sat next to me.
"But you went off with Lance?" Justin said with curiosity, his arm unconsciously draped across the back of the sofa and behind my head.
"It was my time with him"
Justin didn't look satisfied.
"I thought we were good friends?" Justin pressed. The tips of his fingers grazed across the nape of my neck. I ignored them, Justin probably didn't realise he'd done it.
"We are, it's just I wanted to do something with Lance," I answered. Justin's jealousy kind of put me on edge.
"We've only got two more weeks together" Justin said as his fingers once again grazed across my skin. I tried to ignore his touch again but failed as his fingers stroked my skin again. Alarm bells rang in my head.
"It's not a contest" I replied. My unease caused my voice to waver slightly. Justin's engagement ring gently scratched across my skin as his hand made another pass across the back of my neck. I jumped up from the couch and made as if I were looking for the TV remote.
"Lance mentioned you have something to tell me," Justin said.
"Uhm, yeah" I replied, slightly knocked by the sudden change of conversation subject. "When did he say that?" I asked knowing that Lance had been with me all afternoon.
"I called him when you were trying on suits or something"
"Well I do have a question..." I began and then stopped trying to think of the least offensive way of asking it.
"Come on, I'm not getting any younger!" Justin joked.
"It's not really a question. More like something Lance hinted at"
Justin rolled his eyes.
"I know what you're goin' on about" Justin said. I breathed a sigh of relief. "Britney and I, well just me really, want you to sing at the wedding reception."
I was momentarily lost before I regained enough of my composure to respond.
"Thank you so much. Of course I'll do it. But that's not what I was talking about."
"Well what was it?"
"Lance wasn't very clear and there's no easy or un-offensive way of putting this," I said trying to avoid wedging my foot in my mouth, "Justin, were you in a relationship before Britney?"
Justin's eyes bulged slightly and he seemed to become more on edge.
"Yes." He stated, "Yes I was"
We sat and looked at one another, each waiting for the other to speak first.
"Is that all you wanted to know?" Justin said.
"Is there anymore to know?" I answered.
"I guess there is..." Justin said slowly.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to" I quickly said, trying to avoid causing Justin any embarrassment.
"Uhm, yeah" Justin mumbled before standing up. He walked over to the dresser and picked up a photo frame of mine. "Are these your family?"
"Yeap. My mum Helene, older brother Alain, and younger sister Sara."
Justin made a kind of impressed hum and turned away from me to place the photo back on the side.
"Joey and I were together for a while a few years back." Justin suddenly said still with his back to me.
Justin's statement hit me broadside, my heart skipped a beat and my breathing wavered for a second. On not hearing a response Justin turned to look at me. His face wore a sheepish and slightly frightened look.
"You and Joey?" I asked. Justin nodded. "Joey?" I quizzed.
"I can see your point" Justin laughed tensely.
"So, you and Joey dated then?" I asked again, my head slowly working its way around the new information.
"For a while"
"Wow" Was all I could come up with. "That's one thing I'd never have guessed." Justin smiled slightly upon seeing that I wasn't going to go all weird on his ass. He relaxed and sat back down beside me.
"It was two years ago. Just before Britney and I started to get serious. We were together for a couple of months." Justin clarified, "It wasn't very sexual, but it was more than simply 'fooling around'. We cared for each other."
"Does Britney know?" I asked.
"No. I don't think she needs to know right now."
'She might want to know before she married you' I thought to myself.
I remained quiet for a while trying to digest the fact.
"You're being very quiet" Justin said shyly after a good few minutes.
"I'm just thinking, that's all" I explained.
"I guess it's a little freaky to find that Joey who sides with our favourite homophobe, Chris, is actually bisexual" Justin commented to fill the silence.
"That's one of the odd things about it" I replied. "Did Chris get his back up over you two?"
"Not really. He definitely didn't approve, but he hid his feelings for the sake of the group."
"Well, he's changed somewhat in the past few years" I laughed.
"That's an understatement I think" Justin said laughing as well.
"Have you any idea why he'd change like that?"
"Well, I broke it off with Joey when Britney and I got more serious. I know it's a less than ideal break-up, but Joey could at least see why I did it. I don't really know why Chris gets all pissed-off with you tho'."
"Well, maybe it's just pure irrationality" I suggested.
"Probably, knowing Chris." Justin said smiling.
Just then my stomach rumbled.
"Sounds like you haven't eaten for a week" Justin said on hearing the noise.
"I'm absolutely famished!" I exclaimed.
"Come on. You fancy dinner?" Justin said as he stood.
"Sure" I answered as I stood.
I literally fell into bed my body was so tired. The afternoon's shopping was more tiring than I had earlier assumed, and after spending a couple of hours with Justin I was completely knackered. Dull aches still alerted me to the damage that still lingered from the previous night but I was used to them now. Just as I was used to the faint scream in my head that accompanied my thoughts anywhere. I glanced over to Steve's bed, he was asleep and snoring gently. I rolled over so that I was facing away from Steve and sank into my pre-sleep thoughts.
During the day the general mental noise of day-to-day events and conversation had drowned out the thoughts that still ran rampant in my head. Images from my nightmare, my life back home and the past few weeks ran into one another in kind of some Frankenstein-esque mish-mash of experiences. I kept on seeing Chris hitting me, Pete pushing me out the window, my bleeding wrists and experiencing the sensation of drowning in my own vomit. When my mind flicked away from that the Justin situation reared its ugly head. I could not comprehend that Justin had a crush on me whilst being engaged to Britney and only to weeks from their wedding and that Justin and Joey dated and if I did nothing or anything the situation I was in it was going to get worse and then there was the added pressure of the tour and the stress caused by the immanent release of my debut single in the UK... My brain flipped back to the nightmare-reality collage to escape the downward spiral of stresses.
Needless to say I didn't get much sleep that night; I finally managed to fall asleep at around 4:30am, before waking up at 7:30 to begin my working day.
The next week was one of the most hectic of the tour; in eight days we were to play seven venues. This high-density itinerary meant that N'Sync and I were constantly busy with our own things and we barely met except when I came off stage as they went on. This was all well and good for my 'plan'; I could avoid any more problems with Justin or indeed any of N'Sync by simply not being around them. Of course it also involved making sure they didn't think I was avoiding them, which was the cause of many a headache on its own. The bad part was that I never got more than 5 hours' sleep on any night due to the thoughts each day left piled on top of those from the night of the engagement party.
It was now only two days before the wedding. Yesterday had been our first day off in over a week and the N'Sync guys occupied it trying to get the final arrangements for the wedding sorted out. I spent most of it trying, and failing, to get some sleep. The ceremony was to take place on a beach somewhere in Florida (no-one except N'Sync and Britney knew where to avoid any press- leaks). Two beachside houses had been rented, one for the Groom's party, the other for the Bride's. My invitation gave the directions as 'Members of the Groom's party are cordially invited to meet in the hotel lobby at 9:00pm on Thursday'. I assumed someone had organised a mass transfer of us all from here to the correct Floridian beach-houses.
I was sitting on my packed suitcase in the hotel lobby, it was 9:15pm, and no one was in sight. My head kept on slowly dropping forwards as the days of sleep-deprivation caught up with me. Every time it drooped my neck muscles snapped it back upright.
"Hey Darren!" JC's voice rang out across the lobby.
"Hi" I replied sleepily.
"Oo, tired?" JC asked as he noted my subdued appearance. I nodded. "Well, there'll be plenty of time to sleep on the plane" JC finished chirpily.
"Good, I need it!" I laughed as Justin and the rest piled out of a lift.
"Come on" Justin yelled, "We're late!"
"I wasn't," I pointed out.
"No one likes a show-off Darren" Lance joked.
I glanced around to locate Chris. Lance noticed my uncertainty.
"He's already left" Lance said.
"What?" I asked.
"Justin thought him being here would ruin all our journeys so he asked Chris to go a head to get the houses sorted. Joey went with him."
"Oh" I said simply.
"It's a pity Steven couldn't make it" Lance commented with a wistful tone as we got into the limos.
"Yeah, but he can't cancel a family do really can he?" I asked rhetorically.
Lance nodded to himself and we all settled down for the car-ride to the airport.
The time being what it was, the airport was reasonably quiet (as airports go). We checked in and made our way through to the departures lounge.
"Hi" I said as I sat down next to Justin. He was seated facing the expanse of glass that separated us from the planes. The dark of night had wrapped itself around the airport hours ago and now the bright floodlights illuminated the apron, taxiways and runways. Justin's gaze was turned upwards, towards where the stars would have been if the glare of the lights wasn't drowning them out. "I thought you'd be bouncing off the walls with excitement by now" I said noting Justin's muted attitude.
Justin smiled.
"I'm just thinking" He replied causing me to laugh.
"What about?"
"Live, love and the universe"
"Wow, that's a lot for one person," I said.
"It is" Justin said, his tone becoming more serious.
"Second thoughts?" I asked.
"Third or fourth thoughts," Justin replied. "How do I know Britney's the One?" he continued after a short pause.
"I honestly don't know," I said, trying to be truthful and seeing this didn't help much I tried to clarify; "You love Britney, right?"
Justin nodded.
"You can see yourself with her for the rest of your life?"
Justin nodded again.
"And there's no one else you'd rather spend that time with?"
Justin hesitated and then nodded.
"Well then, it sounds like you are meant to marry her. I'm sure all your worries will disappear when she walks down that aisle." I placed my arm around Justin's shoulders. He bit his cheek for a second before nodding is head with meaning this time.
"You're always right" Justin joked.
"Of course!" I laughed.
Justin turned to look back out the window and rested his head on my shoulder. I gently leant my head until it was touching Justin's. We sat like that until the flight was called.
As JC had predicted I fell asleep on the plane. The noise of the aircraft served to deafen me to my usual, insomnia-inducing thoughts.
Chapter Fourteen
The limo pulled up to a pair of large beach houses, illuminated by the moon. JC pushed open the car's door and the warm air flooded into the air- conditioned limo.
"That'll be our one" JC said pointing to the one with its outside lights on.
"We should try and be quiet. I bet Chris and Joey are asleep." Lance said looking at his watch.
I was still very sleepy after having been woken up from my sleep on the plane well before my body wanted. I grabbed my suitcase and stumbled with it towards the house. JC opened the door and we all walked into the building. I was too tired to pay any attention to what my new surroundings looked like; I just wanted to go to bed, as did everyone else.
"That's your room" JC said indicating a doorway off the ground-floor hallway, "Justin, yours is over there. Everyone else is upstairs." It struck me that this house must be huge to be able to accommodate all six of us individually, and that because of that size it must be costing a small fortune to rent both the houses.
"Night guys" I said pushing open the door to my bedroom.
"Night" Lance and JC replied in unison.
"Hey, let me help with that" Justin said seeing I was stuck in the door with my suitcase.
"Cheers" I said as we manhandled my case into the room and onto the double bed. I unzipped it and pulled my suit out to hang it up before it got any more creased.
"Hey thanks for what you said," Justin said.
"When?" I asked
"At the airport" Justin explained.
"You'd have done the same" I tried to shrug-off Justin's comments.
"Whatever" Justin said smiling. He walked over to the window and pulled the curtains open. "Wow, what a view" he whispered under his breath.
I walked over to the window and stood next to Justin in order to see what he was talking about. The sandy beach swept down away from the house before being swallowed up by the gentle surf. Around the house a broad sweep of flowers covered the ground. The light from the full moon caused the wet sand to shimmer like silver and the gentle sound of the breaking waves washed over Justin and I.
"I meant what I said"
"I know" Justin replied, "Hey, you fancy a drink before you go to bed?"
"OK" I said, my tiredness no longer an issue. "Will there be anything in?"
"Come on," Justin laughed, "Joey did the shopping. I'll be surprised if there's anything but alcohol and snack food."
We went into the kitchen, were, after some searching, we found a large bottle of Champagne and a couple of flutes.
"This isn't for the wedding is it?" I asked.
"Nope, none of that stuff arrives until tomorrow" Justin replied as he carried the bottle and glasses out of the French-doors and down the steps onto the sand.
"Hey!" I yelled quietly as I ran after Justin, "If all the wedding stuff's arriving in the morning shouldn't you not drink this and go to bed?"
"No" Justin said rather indignantly, "Besides all the arranging is JC and Lance's job."
"Who is your Best Man?" I asked as we sat down in the sand just out of the reach of the house's lights.
"I've not got one." Justin said causing me to pull a puzzled face, "The guys are sharing the duties out. I couldn't choose between them. Besides, the job is too much for one of us during the tour."
"Who's gonna be at the alter with you? I don't think all five of you will fit up there."
"My older brother" Justin said as his twisted the cork out of the champagne bottle with a pop. "But let's not get all stressed out over all that now."
"Whatever you want." I said as Justin poured me a generous glassful.
Two hours and one large bottle of champagne later Justin and I were still sitting (well just about) on the beach.
"Look at the stars!" Justin said falling backwards so that he was lying facing the sky. I flopped backwards and joined him.
"Wow" I slurred out, "You can see millions from here. They're all so beautiful."
"They are" Justin agreed as he propped himself up on his elbow and stared at me.
"I wonder how many there are"
"Don't think anyone has ever counted" Justin answered.
"It would take a lifetime and more"
"I'd happily stay like this for that amount of time" Justin said still looking at me. I laughed slightly. "I think I need a walk to clear my head" Justin said, standing.
"I think I need help to stand!" I laughed as I tried and failed to get up off the sand.
"Here" Justin said offering me his hands. His pulled me upright, but my intoxicated state meant that I couldn't help but fall forwards into Justin's arms.
"I never knew you were that type of guy Justin!" I laughed.
"Yes you did" Justin countered.
"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed causing us both to break out into deep, drink- influenced laughter.
"Come on. I think you need that walk more than I do" Justin said as he started off along the beach with me in tow, leaving the bottle and glasses behind.
We were both so drunk that we soon found that we needed to walk together just to stumble onwards. Justin wrapped his left arm around my waist as I grabbed onto his right shoulder with my right hand. Even with our mutual support we ended up walking along the sand where the waves were breaking.
"Urg!" I shouted as a wave broke over my foot, "I'm taking my shoes off."
With that I proceeded to pull my shoes off hanging onto Justin for support, who, had also decided to remove his shoes and was relying on me for balance. Needless to say it wasn't long before I lost my balance and fell backwards into the cool water pulling Justin down on top of me.
Dazed, neither of us moved for a second. The gentle waves lapped around our intertwined bodies as the moon set out to sea, its light reflecting up off the water and onto us. Something caused us to relax our muscles, which had remained tense from the fall. Justin's chest sank down to rest upon mine. His arms lay to either side of my head and his face hung just above mine. A wave broke over us, splashing wet sand onto my face and wetting anything dry that remained on us.
Justin lifted a hand and, with great care, wiped the sand from my cheek. Before he could remove his hand I placed mine over it, clasping it to my skin. Tears welled up in my eyes at the shear beauty of Justin then, his wet skin, his blue eyes more bright then the moon or sun, and his gentle caress on my cheek. I looked deep into those eyes for any hint of unease. I found none as those pools of blue came closer. Justin's lips grazed across mine before coming to rest. He brought his other hand up, under my shoulder to hold us even closer together as his tongue tentatively brushed against my lips. Obligingly, I parted them to allow his tongue into my mouth. Justin pulled back, slowly and with care. Removing my hand from on top of his, I gently stroked the water droplets from his face and once again stared into those eyes, which were, like mine, filled with unspent tears. My hand came to rest at the back of Justin's neck, gently pulling him back into the kiss. Our lips met again, more confidently this time. Justin took his hand from where it still rested upon my cheek and tenderly caressed the skin of my neck causing me to turn my head slightly in order to give his sensual touch great ground to play with. Justin followed the movement of my head, keeping his lips locked to mine. I raised my other arm to embrace Justin properly, pulling him closer.
I could feel his rising erection rub against mine through our wet clothes. Pushing my arm down his back I hooked my hand under the hem of his T-shirt and began to work it up his body. Justin got the message and broke the kiss so that he could pull his shirt off completely.
I lay there in the damp sand, looking up at Justin silhouetted by the moon's dying light. His hands fumbled with the buttons of my shirt before giving up and tearing it open. Diving back down, Justin kissed me on the corner of my mouth before he made his way down my neck planting dulcet kisses at every step. With every caress Justin gently rubbed our crotches together causing me to moan, audibly, with pleasure. As he gently sucked on the flesh where shoulder meets neck I once again brought my hands up to embrace Justin. Another wave washed over us causing a shiver to pass down my body. Justin to stop his kissing and leant back in order to look me in the eye.
"You're cold," He stated with concern. "We had best go inside and get dry"
We stumbled back to the house in each other's arms, collecting our clothes and litter on the way.
I closed the French-doors as Justin dumped the stuff on the table. As I turned around Justin pressed me back against the glass of the door. His hands made their way back to where they had been as his lips found mine again. The kiss was quick, full of teasing care. Justin pulled back to look into my eyes, his look poured affection into my soul.
"You're covered in sand," I stated breathlessly as my fingers brushed grains from where they had dried to Justin's chest.
"We're covered in sand," Justin corrected, "And salt."
Justin took hold of my hand and led me through the house, into his room, and to the door leading to the en suite we shared. He opened the door.
"A warm shower's what we need." Justin said.
I hesitated for a second, shivering.
"Are you going to join me?" Justin said seductively, questioning my hesitation.
The alcohol still fuzzed my brain slightly, but I knew that whatever damage could be done had been by now. I nodded shyly and followed Justin into the bathroom.
Within minutes we were standing under the warm water of the shower, our naked bodies pressed together in an eternity of passion. The water flowed over our bodies, cleaning the sand, salt and sin from us. Justin slowly pushed his hand through my wet hair as my hand played with the stubbly hair on top of his head. Justin's hand made its way down my chest and abdomen to the place where our erections now rubbed together directly.
"Oh, no you don't" I whispered in Justin's ear as I grabbed his wandering hand and placed it back on my chest, "I'm not that kind of boy."
"But I am" Justin growled seductively into my ear as he made sure to rub his erection against mine. Justin reached behind me and shut off the water before reaching out of the shower and grabbing a towel. Every time our eyes met we exchanged sentiments that were more powerful than all the laws of nature. I savoured every touch of Justin's skin, every caress of his fingers and every breath upon my flesh. Slowly we dried each other off.
We wandered back into Justin's room where he began to kiss me on the neck again. Smiling, I again twisted my head slightly. My eyes landed on the dresser. On it were several wedding cards and in the mirror was our reflection. Tears once again leapt to my eyes. I blinked them back as Justin pulled me over towards his bed. He sat down on the mattress, still holding my hand, and waited for me to join him. My conscience finally kicked in; I took a step back, Justin's hand slipping from mine.
Justin's expression changed from one of tenderness to one of confusion.
"I, um" I stuttered, "I'll see you in the morning" I said as a tear slipped out from the corner of my eye. One from Justin's eye that began to make its way down his cheek, matching mine. He nodded gently, but reluctantly, in understanding. I turned my back to Justin and made my way to the door that lead to my room through the en suite.
"Good night Darren" Justin whispered in a woeful tone as I left his room.
I closed the door behind me, biting my lip as I tried to keep the majority of my tears in. I managed to close the door between my room and the bathroom before I lost it. I dropped onto my empty bed, tears streaking down my face, and buried my head in the pillow so that Justin wouldn't hear the sobs with which I cried myself to sleep.
End of Part Five.
Well, what did you think? Comments please: svjsr@hotmail.com
JJ.