Hello all; well it's been a blinkin long time since I posted anything, there's no real excuse, except profound laziness lol Anyways, cheers to everyone who wrote to me about the last instalment or in general, and massive 'hiiiiyaaas' to Kris and Steve.
Unsurprisingly, I don't know any of the people, celebrities or not, mentioned in this story. Although names of real people are used, anything written is not a comment on the owners of the names, their lifestyles, sexuality, attitudes, choice of footwear or type of breakfast cereal. It's all from my own twisted mind people :o)
I love getting comments, send any (good or bad) to svjsr@hotmail.com
Sans Vous, Je Suis Rien - Part Ten
Chapter Twenty-Five
The gentle sound of the babbling brook placated my raw emotions. I kept my head down, staring at my hands, as I sat on the bench on the common. I waited until I was sure enough time had passed for Justin to reach my house before I looked up. I wasn't exactly sure what I had just done, had I just effectively said 'never' or 'not yet' to Justin? I guess I was in some kind of emotional shock because I was unable to feel anything, which was odd after the conviction I had felt only a few minutes before. I glanced up to watch the ripples on the water, the cold wind that stirred the surface was coming from the north carrying with it a sense of rain. I looked at my watch; 13:27, it was still reasonably early in the day and still early during my stay at home.
'I hope Justin gets to the airport safely' I thought out of nowhere. I knew he had never driven on the left before and I was kinda worried for him. 'Actually, how's he gonna find an airport? Or a plane ticket for that matter?' I mused in my head. 'Justin's really sweet to put himself out like this just because I throw a wobbly. He must really understand me... He must really,' I paused my train of thought for a second as the realisation hit me, 'Justin must really love me to do this.'
A wave of nausea washed over me as I realised the full extent of my words and actions.
'What have I done?' I asked myself, 'Why did I not think, not realise? And now Justin's hurt.' My heart suddenly produced emotion again, this time instead of conviction I felt profound sadness at my own actions. I could picture Justin now, back at the house, packing as he tried not to cry because he would think that too selfish. Instead I began to cry for him; a gentle stream of tears marked my face as I empathised the pain that I had caused Justin.
'Why? Why did you have to let your fears get the better of you?' I quizzed myself. 'All you've succeeded in doing is hurting Justin. How are you ever going to be happy if you push people who care away?'
'I'm scared' I argued back against myself, 'Scared of what could happen to me if Justin hurts me. I don't want to have to deal with all that again'
'Justin would never hurt me, he'd never let any harm fall on me' I countered.
'How can I be sure?' I screamed back at myself.
'Because he loves me'
'But I love him and I still hurt hi....' My mental argument trailed off again as I once more revealed a hidden thought. 'I love him?' I asked myself, 'I love Justin?'. Then it hit me like a right-hook to the stomach; I loved Justin just like he loved me, and I had just thrown it all away. My heart plummeted into my foot; 'have I just lost Justin?' I asked myself.
'As soon as he leaves...' my mind supplied.
But that was it; he hadn't gone he was still packing, hopefully. I stood from the bench, my soul revitalised by my new task; to make sure I didn't loose the man I loved. My mind flipped, what if Justin didn't want me back? Why should he after all I had done to him? I kicked myself mentally,
'You'll never find out unless you go stop him!' I shouted at myself before turning and sprinting back to mum's house.
I fumbled as I tried to unlock the front door. Mum got there before I could calm my hands and opened the door from inside.
"Darren!" She exclaimed, "qu'as-tu dit à Justin?"
"Rien. Je le résous." I replied as I bounded up the stairs. With every step my heart jumped further up into my throat and with every breath it pounded faster. I finally reached the door to my old bedroom in which Justin and I had been staying. The white gloss paint was dirtied around the handle from all the times I had pushed it open in a hurry to get inside, now my hand faltered on the door knob, unable to turn it.
"Justin?" I whispered through the thin, cheap door, "Justin?" I repeated, this time with a little more volume.
"Yes" came the stern reply. I gingerly turned the handle and pushed the door open. It caught momentarily, as it always had done, on a slightly raised section of the now antiquated carpet.
I entered the room, my old room. The faded wallpaper goaded me, reminding me of years past and dreams long ruined. Justin was standing over by the window, looking out over the back garden and down towards the bench where I had sat, alone, not more than five minutes ago. His shoulders hung as if something within him had snapped. On the bed rested a half filled suitcase, the hurriedly 'packed' clothes lay screwed into bundles half in, half out of it.
"So?" Justin's voice asked.
My mouth suddenly dried up, as did my voice.
"Ermm" I mumbled.
"Is that the best you can do?" Justin whispered to the garden, his warm breath condensing on the cold windowpane. "You seemed to have plenty to say back on the common."
"Sometimes it's easier to say things that you don't believe in your heart." I replied.
Justin turned to look at me for the first time. His eyes were rimmed with red, I presumed from crying. In that instant the hurt that his expression conveyed caused me to wish death upon myself for causing it. I took a step forwards, unconsciously, and began to raise a hand to touch Justin's face, but his unmoving stance caused me to halt my movements.
"Did you believe the things that you said?" Justin asked quietly, his eyes boring into my soul.
"I did mean them." I answered.
"Did you believe them?" Justin repeated, stressing 'believe'.
My mind faltered along with my heart. A lone tear dropped from my eye.
"No" I breathed, "No I didn't." I let my head drop so that my gaze lay on Justin's trainers.
"Then why?" Justin asked, his tone way heavy with a longing to know my answer.
"Because..." I paused, "Because I didn't look deep enough within you or me, because I was scared." I raised my face to meet Justin's eyes once more. Tears now stained my cheeks and my eyes were reddened to match his.
"I don't understand" Justin said as he stepped over to me. "I don't understand what you're trying to say."
"Neither do I." I answered as my full emotions broke. Tears flowed freely, unabated by my fear of them or what they could mean. Justin reached his arms around me and pulled me into an embrace. I knew it was only because I was crying and nothing to do with his feelings towards me. I allowed myself the luxury of a few second's rest there in his warm arms, his chest moving against mine, his heart beating next to mine. I gently broke the embrace to look Justin right in the eyes.
Our faces were only a couple of inches apart and his gentle breath stroked my cheek. I stared into those blue orbs and found what I was looking for.
"Justin," I murmured against his face, "I love you." I closed my eyes, not wanting to witness the response prompted by my confession.
I waited for what seemed like a lifetime before slowly loosening my hold on Justin. The response I had feared had not come, yet nor had that which I had wanted. Justin stood, unmoving, in my arms. I once again looked him in the face to see his eyes, filled with tears, staring at a random spot on the wall. His expression was stone.
I slowly stepped back, hoping that he would say something, do something, to stop me; he did nothing.
"You don't have to go." I whispered.
"I think it'd be for the best." Justin answered calmly as he turned back to his packing.
I stood for a while and watched him begin to fold some of the clothes before I reached over and picked up a t-shirt of his. He looked at me, and for a second I thought something glimmered in his eye. He looked as if he was about to say something, but the look passed as I folded the t-shirt and added it to contents of Justin's suitcase. Justin frowned slightly and watched me fold another article of clothing.
"What are you doing!?" Justin suddenly yelled.
"Folding your clothes" I calmly answered, unfazed by the sudden outburst.
"You just said you loved me and now you're pushing me out the door!"
"I don't want you to stay if you don't want to, no matter what." I said as I placed another folded article of clothing into Justin's case.
Justin yelled and slammed the case lid down.
"Are you trying to fuck with my head?!" He shouted at me, catching me off guard for a second.
"No!" I answered, "I love you!"
"Stop saying that!" Justin yelled back.
"For fuck's sake!" I yelled back just as loud, "You said we were 'together' this morning!"
"Yeah!" Justin shouted back, "And then you told me to leave! And now you say you love me! Why do you keep fucking with my emotions?"
I looked at Justin; the tears in his eyes told me that he was genuinely confused.
"I don't know why I asked you to go Justin," I said, tears building in my eyes, "I was just so..." with that the tears broke. Justin pulled me into another embrace as the pain of the confessional on the common rose once more. Justin made calming noises as he gently stroked his fingers through my hair. "I'm so sorry Justin." I mumbled out.
"I know" Justin replied sympathetically.
"No" I stated as I pushed myself out of the hug, "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry you met me, I'm sorry for the beach, I'm sorry for ruining your chance of happiness with Britney, and I'm sorry for fucking with your emotions." With that I walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I leant against the closed door as the tears fell from my eyes. Slowly they built into sobs as the realisation of just how I had messed around with all my friends. My heart finally completed the task of tearing itself in two as I slid down the door until I landed with a bump on the floor.
"Darren!" Justin yelled from outside as he attempted to open the door but all he managed to do was making sitting against a jiggling door uncomfortable. I struggled to my feet and promptly fell onto the sink for support.
I looked up at the mirror on the cabinet door over the sink. I stared into my own eyes, the eyes of someone who wasn't worth the oxygen they breathed.
'How could you do that to all your friends?' I thought to myself. 'Why do you treat people like shit, like you're the centre of the universe?'
"Darren!" Mum yelled through the door. Obviously she had heard the noise and had come to see what was wrong. "Open this door!"
I shut my eyes, trying to blank out all the noise, but the cacophony in my mind was far louder than anything in reality. My mind threw me back to that night in the woods on the common, except this time something was different. I wasn't the one being dragged into the trees; in fact I was doing the dragging. I was walking behind some guy, holding a knife to his side and forcing him into the wood. I stopped and jerked my arm so that the guy turned to face me. I practically screamed; there was Justin, his face soaked in tears and screaming out for mercy. I tried to push him away, but he only fell to the ground with me on top of him. I must have actually screamed that time as my eyes flew open to reveal that I was still in the bathroom.
'I've been using Justin all along!' I screamed at myself in my head, 'I'm no better than Peter!'
I looked up at the mirror once more, and there staring back at me was the face of my rapist. I yelled something incomprehensible before flinging the cabinet door open so hard that its mirrored front shattered as it hit the wall.
"Darren!" Justin yelled through the door as he heard the breaking of the mirror.
My legs gave up at that point and I fell to the ground. As I did, Justin forced the door open and came flying in, closely followed by mum. In a flash Justin was kneeling beside me and in that instant all my fears and paranoia evaporated away. I simply melted into his embrace and fell into those pools of blue that are his eyes. I dunno when mum left, but she wasn't there by the time I finally looked away from Justin's eyes.
Chapter Twenty-Six
"Come on Darren!" Justin yelled up the stairs. I looked at myself in the mirror once more and adjusted the woolly hat I was wearing, trying to find out if it was possible to wear it and not look like a fool. I finally realised it wasn't and pulled the thing off my head before stomping off downstairs to meet up with Justin. It was bonfire night.
"I'm ready." I announced as I stood by the front door. As Justin emerged from the sitting room I motioned as if I were checking my watch.
"Ha ha," Justin dead panned, "I was ready fifteen minutes ago."
"Whatever" I laughed as we exited the front door. The chill of the November night bit slightly, there was gonna be another frost in the morning. Justin followed me out the door, shutting it behind him. Mum had headed off earlier, to meet up with some of her friends, we were aiming to all meet up at some point, however I remembered the size of the crowds that the fireworks usually drew and the chance of us locating each other in the mêlée was somewhere between poor and non-existent.
"You not wearing a hat?" Justin asked, "You'll freeze to death."
"It ain't that cold Florida-boy" I joked; Justin grinned in response before we headed off down the street.
In the 36 hours since we broke up some bizarre shit had happened. Justin had said 'no' to me, but he still acted like he was more than a friend. My head was still kinda all over the place, I had no idea of the status of our relationship, but I wasn't about to say anything. I was prepared to put up with the questions I had and just go along with life for the time being. Or at least I thought I was fine. Just then Justin's mobile started to ring.
"Shit" Justin mumbled as he struggled to fish it out of his pocket with his thickly gloved hands.
"Here" I offered as I delved into his pocked.
"Thanks" Justin said smiling as I handed his phone to him. "Lance?" Justin exclaimed as he looked at the caller ID. "Hey Lance" Justin said as he answered it, "Whatcha calling for?... really?.... shit, can't we go with one less?... hmm, I guess so.... Well, if you can sort it out, that's fine with me... OK, I'll see you in two days... Bye." With that Justin ended the call.
"What was that all about?" I enquired as we continued our walk down the street.
"That was Lance." Justin stated, "One of our dancers has twisted their ankle"
"Are they gonna be OK?"
"Yeah, but they won't be doing the final weeks of the tour."
"Can't you just manage with one less?" I asked, echoing what Justin had just said to Lance.
"Apparently not. We need to get another dancer in, but Wade reckons there isn't time to get a rookie in, they'll never learn the choreography in time."
"It's a pity none of my dancers are there. They all practically know your dances anyway."
"Well, it's a coincidence you mention that, 'cos Lance was phoning to see if I'd mind Steve joining our team."
"Steve?" I said with mild surprise, "Always-late Steve?"
"Yeah" Justin laughed slightly, "Lance was quite insistent on him."
"Hmm" I mused, "Do you reckon there's something between them?"
"Lance and Steve?" Justin exclaimed, "You must be joking, Lance is straight."
"Well, it would make sense. Lance does seem to really like to be in Steve's company."
"Whatever. I think I'll leave Lance's love-life to him." Justin smiled.
"Besides, I'm not sure Steve'll lower himself to Lance's level" I joked.
"Yeah, probably not" Justin laughed.
'Ahhh' I thought to myself as Justin's musical laughter danced up and down my spine. Without thinking I grabbed his hand.
"Shit, I'm sorry!" I exclaimed, promptly releasing his hand, as I realised what I had done.
"It's okay" Justin said calmly, "We do need to have a talk though."
I didn't realise just how much I dreaded those words until Justin uttered them.
"I guess we do" I replied. We walked a little further in silence before Justin spoke up.
"What is going on?" He asked aloud.
"What?" I replied, puzzled.
"Between us two, what's going on?" Justin clarified.
"Oh" I exclaimed before pausing to think, "To be honest I don't know. I thought you had said we were over, but you don't seem to act like it."
"I thought that you thought we were over" Justin grinned despite the situation, "You were all distant today, until tonight, then it was like you thought we were back on."
I laughed. "OK then, I told you how I felt yesterday, what do you feel now?" I asked.
"Well..." Justin said, dragging out the moment. My heart was in my throat, I was fearful that the wrong answer might come from those beautiful lips. "I guess that I don't want us to be over, but all this shit you keep on pulling gets to me sometimes you know?"
"I know, and I'm sorry for pilling my problems onto you." I said as I played with a loose end of wool on my gloves.
"It's okay, I want you to share your pain with me. I'm just pissed off that you tried to push me away."
"I thought I was gonna hurt you, and I could never let myself to that" I explained as tears gathered in my eyes. We had reached the edge of the area of the common where the Guy Fawkes celebrations were to be held. A large crowd encircled the giant bonfire that had yet to be lit. We hung back in the trees that lined the edge of the common, unwilling to enter the crowd with our emotions so on display.
"Look" Justin said with some severity as he looked me right in the eyes from only a few inches away, "I'm not in this 'cos I'm hoping for an easy ride, I'm in this because I love you Darren and I'd rather you made me cry by telling me your feelings then you break my heart by pushing me away or breaking up with me."
"I love you" was all I could mumble as I stared into those eyes and the moonlight reflecting from them. We inched together until our lips met and life was once more breathed into my body. We remained in the kiss until an incredibly loud bang from the first firework caused us both to jump and bang our heads together.
"Aww" Justin giggled causing me to smile. I held the spot on my forehead where we had cracked skulls. "Are you okay?" Justin asked as he removed the glove from a hand to carefully sweep away my long hair from the area. Gently he took my hand off the spot and planted a gentle kiss there instead which caused me to grin even wider. His hand lingered on my skin, giving me a chance to take in the heavenly beauty of his face in the moonlight. We gazed at each other for an eternity.
"We'd better head off to the display" Justin whispered as if he were scared to break the moment, "You're mum will wonder where we are."
"Let her wonder" I smiled as I wrapped an arm behind Justin and pulled him in to finish the kiss we were rudely shocked out of. Our lips gently caressed each other as if it were the first time they had ever met. Each movement caused waves of ecstasy to pass through my body. Subtly Justin began to suck on my bottom lip, I teasingly ran the tip of my tongue along his lip. Suddenly Justin pulled back. I gave him a questioning look.
"Let's go back to the house." He suggested with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
"We'll miss the display." I pointed out, as a slight grin spread across my lips.
"Sod the display." Justin growled causing me to laugh.
"OK, but I'll have to phone mum."
"Do it on the way back." Justin begged eagerly. I silently agreed and we set off back to the house, our arms around each other. I pulled out my mobile as we drew near to the house.
"Hi, mum" I said as she answered
"Où êtes-vous?" she asked
"Nous sommes allant à la maison. Nous avons pensé que nous aurions une nuit dedans." At the moment Justin decided to put his cold hand up under my top. "Argh!" I yelled into the phone, "Justin!"
Mum laughed down the phone; "J'irai au pub après, ainsi je ne serai pas de retour pendant un moment." I could swear that I heard her snigger.
"Okay" I said blushing, "Nous te voyons plus tard."
"Aurevoir Darren, fasse attention." With that comment she hung up leaving me beet red in the middle of the November night.
"What did she say?" Justin laughed.
"Hmm, I think she figured out what's going on" I laughed. Justin looked guilty for a second.
"Well, we can't disappoint her can we?" He joked.
We arrived at the door to the house in no time at all. I fumbled with my keys, trying to unlock the door whilst the distant fireworks reflected of the glass of the door. We stepped inside and before I had even had the chance to turn on a light Justin was kissing me once more.
"Ahhh" I hummed as Justin's lips danced across then skin of my neck. "Why?" I whispered, not entirely sure if I had actually articulated the sound at all.
"Why what?" Justin asked. He stopped his kissing and gave me a look of concern.
"Why the sudden change of heart?" I asked with reference to Justin suddenly going from apparently disliking me completely to this, which felt like the polar opposite.
"I dunno" Justin said apologetically, "It just feels right."
I had to agree, it did feel right; in fact it felt profoundly sublime. I decided to ignore the little voice in my head screaming for caution and to 'go with the flow' so to speak. I would worry about the consequences for 'us' later on. Justin gave me a final look, almost to check I was still okay with where this was likely to be heading, before he dove back in.
He picked up from where he had stopped; gently he planted kisses on the skin of my neck, each kiss felt fiery with a passion that almost burnt the skin around it. The intense feelings generated by each touch of his lips built into a crescendo until I could take no more. I shifted myself slightly and began to kiss Justin's silk-like skin my shifting and kissing caused Justin to break off his exploration of my neck with his lips. Seizing the moment I shrugged off my coat with Justin following suit, he grinned at me and began to open the living room door. I placed my hand on his in order to stop him, and gestured upstairs with my head.
"You sure?" Justin whispered in a voice full of care.
"Yeah" I said rather meekly as I took his hand and lead him up the stairs and into my old room.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
We fell onto my bed, Justin underneath me. I was struck by memories of that night on the beach in Florida. I smiled and quickly kissed Justin on the lips before pulling back again.
"You're so beautiful." I murmured, my eyes tracking over his features, trying to memorise them all. Justin flushed slightly from what I guessed to be embarrassment. I ducked back down and re-entered the kiss. This time Justin made sure to keep me involved; he teased my lips a part with his tongue. Once they were open far enough he flicked the tip in, my eyes shot open as his still cold hands made their way up under my top, stroking and caressing the skin all the way, their chill touch counter-acting the fire they caused to well up deep within me. Justin slowly edged my jumper up my body and then all of a sudden he rolled over on top of me. He ran the tip of his tongue along the part of my mouth just behind my top teeth before disconnecting from me and removing his sweater in one swift motion. I took the chance to remove my top that was bunched up under my arms in a rather unflattering style. Before I had even shaken my top from my arms, Justin was back down on top of me. He straddled my hips with his knees as he leant in to kiss me once more, our bare chests made contact, the sparse hairs on his chest tickling my skin gently. I brought my arm up and over Justin, pulling our bodies closer as our tongues danced back and forth between our mouths. I could feel his hardness rubbing against my thigh, and I knew he could feel mine doing the same to him. His hand danced along the flesh of my left shoulder as his left hand caressed the right-hand side of my body. Justin began to slowly move his hips so that our imprisoned erections gently rubbed against one another through the layers of our trousers.
I brought my spare arm up to Justin's back and then slowly moved my hand down his back to the point where the black waistband of his Calvin's protruded above the top of his jeans. My hand paused for a second, playing with the waistband, as my mind took the decision whether to go just inside the jeans or inside his boxers. Before I had properly made a decision Justin's mouth moved to the area of my neck just to the side of my Adam's apple causing a rather loud involuntary moan to escape my lips. My hand instantly dove beneath the fabric of his underwear and began to stroke the soft skin. Justin's hands seemed to be all over my body at the same time, gently bringing every part of me to a point of ecstasy I'd not experienced before.
Justin eased himself up off me and sat upright, still straddling my hips. He smiled, lighting up my soul and slowly moved his hands up my torso from where they were resting on my hips. My hands found his thighs and slowly I began to knead his flesh through the designer denim. Gently I edged them further up his legs until they reached the edges of his crotch. Justin murmured something in pleasure and started to gently massage my chest as I worked the flesh of his legs.
I bit my lip in trepidation as I stared at his crotch. I wondered just how easy it'd be to remove those jeans. I thought about taking Justin in my mouth. I wished him to be inside me.
Gently I unbuckled his belt, causing Justin to pause his massage of my chest to give me an encouraging smile, not that I really needed one. Slowly I undid his trousers and gently folded them back to reveal the front of Justin's black Calvin's, his erection straining against the fabric.
Justin quickly lent in and kissed me for a few seconds, his tongue roughly forcing its way into my mouth, before he deftly stood up and shrugged off his jeans completely.
For a brief moment I lay there and drank in the sight of Justin's lean, muscular physique. Every line perfectly illuminated by the moonlight.
He leant over me, and in a flash had removed my trousers as I still lay, transfixed by the sight of pure beauty before me. I was lying on my childhood bed in only my boxers with the one I loved standing over me in an equal state of undress. Justin smiled once more, a smile of love and care. His pure white teeth shone in the light and the excitement in his boxers grew even more noticeable.
I lifted myself into a sitting position with my legs over the side of the bed. Putting my arm out, I took Justin's hand in mine and gently pulled him in towards me once more.
Justin stood with his legs against mine. I held his hands such that his arms were slightly stretched and were angled out from his sides. Leaning in, I gently placed a kiss on his left nipple. Justin mumbled something that I took to be from pleasure, so I did the same to his right. His head rolled back in bliss as I proceeded to lick small circles around his erect nipple with the very lip of my tongue. His breathing increased as I shifted focus to the other nipple.
Justin's breath hissed out from between his clenched teeth as he released my hands only to take my head in his strong hands. His hands were positioned on either side of my head, just about on my ears. He looked deep into my eyes, focusing his gaze on my very being and gently stroked my temples with his fingertips.
I scooted back onto the bed so that I was lying flat out. In a flash Justin was on top of me, his lips met mine, and behind my tightly shut eyelids all the colours of the rainbow flashed before my eyes in a vision of rapture.
His tongue was in my mouth for a moment, then mine in his. First he was on top, then me, as we rolled over and over, all the time our lips locked together and our hands exploring every inch of the other. We ground our crotches together, revelling in the momentary pieces of ecstasy it produced. Knowing only two layers of flimsy cloth separated us.
We came to rest with Justin atop me. He pulled out of the kiss and, placing his right hand on my chin, gently pushed my head back so that he could kiss the sensitive areas on the right hand side of my neck. As he did that his thumb traced the edge of my lips. I allowed my lips first to kiss it, then to softly suck on it: my tongue caressing it, my teeth gently teasing it.
My left hand was stroking the silk-like skin of Justin's side before it slid down, under his boxers, to caress the flesh of his hips. Justin's left hand found my right hip, mirroring my caress of his, leaving my right hand to grasp fistfuls of the bed sheet in an attempt to make sure this heavenly joy was occurring and not just some fabulous dream.
Justin's hand, which had been on my hip slowly found its way round the waistband of my boxers. He slowly slipped them off as far as he could whilst lying on top of me, then rolled to one side and gently yet quickly rolled them completely off before kneeling beside me, his eyes looking me up and down.
There I lay, on my back, my head on the pillows with Justin kneeling just beside me. His strong pecs and defined abs now shone with a light coating of sweat. His penis stood out from his body, transfixing my gaze upon it. I rolled onto one side to face Justin, and with my available arm, I reached out and took Justin's erection in my hand.
The first thing I noticed was that it was cut, a slightly unusual sight to a Brit. The second was the size, like everything else about Justin, it was perfect; not so large as to be threatening, but also by no means diminutive. Justin inhaled sharply as I ran my thumb over the tip, already slick from precum. I slowly began a rhythmic movement of my hand, all the time thinking 'is this too fast/slow? Is he enjoying it?' and other such concerns.
I knelt in a similar position to Justin, directly in front of him, still with him in my hand. I place my spare hand behind his head and pulled him into a passion- filled kiss. Justin's right hand began to play with my balls, as his left arm wrapped itself around my shoulders to hold me in our kiss.
Justin slowly leant into me, taking my weight on his arm as I began to lean backwards. Our lips never separated as he lowered me to the mattress. I released his erection momentarily to quickly make myself comfortable on the bed before Justin straddled my chest, his dick just inches from my face. His scent seemed to fill the air with its deep musk. I grabbed hold of his erection once more, gently playing with it, causing Justin to moan softly and to place his hands on the wall above my head for support. I placed a kiss on the tip of his erection, tasting the precum, causing another perturbation in his breathing pattern, before I took the head in my mouth. I gently teased the edge of the corona with my tongue as my lips edged down the shaft. Soon my nose was being tickled by Justin's pubic hair, heavy with his smell. I toyed with the underside of it with my tongue. My hands stroked the skin of the back of his thighs as I pulled my mouth off him. Opening my eyes I looked up to see if Justin was enjoying it; his eyes were tightly shut and he was biting his bottom lip.
My mind was swimming from the overwhelmingly intense feelings I was having. Every time I touched Justin the universe seemed to explode in a firework of love and passion, with every caress it seemed as if we were less like two separate people and more like one conjoined spirit, and with every kiss my glimpsed some Edenic or Nirvana-like joy.
I once again took him in my mouth, my nerves drinking up the sensations of pleasure. Still stroking his legs, I began to build the rhythm up once more; stroking down his legs as I pulled off and then dancing my fingertips back up as I went down.
After a few minutes the pace of Justin's breath quickened once more. I removed a hand from the back of his legs and wound my arm around him such that my hand was massaging the area between his balls and anus. Leaving my thumb to gently caress the base of his shaft through his scrotum, I carefully a very slowly began to work my middle finger inside Justin. I matched the rhythm of both my finer and thumb to the existing rhythm of the blowjob I was giving. As I did so, Justin began to buck in time to the movements I was generating; I could tell his climax was close.
He still had his eyes shut and his hand on the wall to hold him up, but now his head was thrown back in ecstasy. The movement of hips his became more and more pronounced until, with one last thrust, I tasted his semen.
His orgasm was over in a few seconds, and still with his eyes firmly shut, he collapsed onto me.
Slyly he opened up his eyes, peeking at me and grinning as much as his spent body would allow. I smiled back and wiped some of the beads of sweat from his brow.
I was filled with that immense warm feeling you get when you know you've pleased someone you love. My head was swimming, despite not having climaxed myself. I doubt I could have sat, let alone have stood, my muscles were that unresponsive. I simply lay there, looking into the eyes of the man I loved.
Justin leant over and carefully licked my cheek before gently kissing the spot and then passionately kissing my lips. Our salivas mixed, as did the small amount of his semen left in my mouth.
Briefly we kissed again as I found the duvet and pulled it up to cover both our tired bodies. Justin flipped the bedside light off. Justin's hand on my hip indicated for me to roll over so that my back was to Justin. I obliged, whereupon Justin instantly began spooning me. His hand gently stroked my chest as his breath caressed the skin of my neck. I could feel the post- orgasmic heat emanating from his body.
"I love you Darren" Justin whispered, barely audible even at that proximity, but I didn't need him to vocalise his feelings for me. I could tell what he felt for me, every thought that passed though his mind and every muscle he moved as we lay together. Never did I feel as close to Justin as I did in that moment.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
We sat in silence on the distinctly uncomfortable seats in the departure lounge of Heathrow Terminal Four. Every now and then one of us would glance up to check the electronic display to see if our plane was any less delayed then it was a few minutes before, unfortunately it never was.
Justin and I were doing the classic celebrity-disguise; we were both wearing the most non-descript clothing we could find, Justin had on a pair of non- proscription glasses to add to the look whereas I had, after much persuasion from Justin, "styled" my hair in a rather nasty form. I was particularly unimpressed that if a fan spotted me, or worse the press, I'd have to face them looking as ridiculous as I now did. I unconsciously played with a bit of my hair.
"Hey!" Justin said, "don't mess up ya hair!"
"It's already as messed up as it's gonna get" I grumbled in response.
"Cheer up" Justin replied, "We'll be back in the States in a few hours."
"And that's good why?" I jokingly asked.
"Ha ha" Justin dead panned, "I know the next month or so isn't gonna be fun for us both, but we'll manage and we've both got our work to occupy us."
"Hmmm" I replied as I thought over the prospect of having to live without Justin as he and the rest of N'Sync did the last weeks of their tour as I stayed in New York and prepared for the launch of my album. I had to agree with Justin, it certainly was not gonna be a fun few weeks.
Justin squeezed my leg gently to comfort me. I glanced up at his face and that cringe-worthy lovesick smile spread across my face which in turn caused Justin to grin with equal amounts of sugar-coated sickliness.
"How long do you have after we get back before you have to go back on tour?" I asked Justin.
"A day" Justin said apologetically.
Another thought struck me; usually I'd have Steve hanging around the city somewhere to occupy my time. In fact he was really the only friend I had in New York, despite having spent nearly a year living there.
I had found it hard to make new friends from the start. Initially my limited budget meant not going out, and my circle of friends was limited to the few people I met through my thankless job. By the time I felt financially secure enough to venture out into the nightlife of the city I was in with a group of people that frequented those small bar/club places where some swing-type band plays bland music in the corner. Usually I'd not drink too much due to lack of money, and most nights I'd end up the sober one in the group trying to get 6 other drunken people to their respective homes.
One night though I just thought "to hell with it" and got completely sloshed. I ended up on stage with the band singing some god-awful ballad that I don't care to remember now-a-days.
The next night I went back to the club to apologise to the owner, whom we had become quite good friends. Yet instead of accepting my apology he handed me a note that invited me to go and audition for a job going at one of the more swanky places in the city (not that it would have taken much to be more swanky than our usual haunt). The audition was for the next day. That was the point when my life went from ordinary to extraordinary; everything after that would seem like a dream-come-true. I'd wake and pinch myself just to see if it was all true; most of then time it was.
I got the job and started to sing cheesy numbers to over-paid Newyorican businessmen. My friends deserted me, favouring our old place to my new workplace. I could no longer go out with them as my job occupied every night I had and soon forced me to quit my old job (much to my relief). After a few weeks I was "discovered" by some nasty guy from my future record label.
After that it became harder and harder to make real friends, most people only 'cared' for you because their money was invested in your eventual success. The only person I trusted was Steve, and we got pretty close since we're both so similar. He became my single friend in the States, and my closest friend ever. When we joined the tour we were pulled in opposite ways, and our friendship had suffered, but I had been looking forward to the weeks between us returning to the US and Justin ending the tour. It would have given us a chance to catch-up and rebuild. Yet now I faced 5 weeks without anyone as Steve and N'Sync gallivanted around the country as I sat in my ugly, overly large house in the suburbs on New York.
"Oooh" Justin exclaimed quietly, raising me from my thoughts, "That must be our plane landing now."
I followed Justin's finger to the plane now taxiing towards the terminal building before glancing over at the display once more.
"50 minutes" I stated, reading the boarding time. Justin made a kinda noise that could have been meant to express relief or slight annoyance. I hummed something that was meant to imply I knew what the hum had meant. "D'ya want a coffee?"
"Yeah sure" Justin said rather chirpily, I guess his mood was lifted by the plane finally arriving.
I wandered off over to the coffee place in the corner.
"Good afternoon Sir, how can I help?" The guy behind the counter asked.
"Erm, can I get a latte with almond syrup and a mocha please"
"Of course" the rather cute guy said, "That'll be £4.75 please"
I fished some change out my pocket and after a few seconds poking through it, realised there wasn't enough and so got a £5 note from my wallet rather unhappy that I'd get lumped with yet more change that would just sit in my house back in the States. The guy handed me two paper cups full of steaming coffee. I took a gulp of mine before turning to head back to where Justin and I were sitting. Although I should have felt some kind of excitement about returning to my house with Justin by my side, plus I effectively had almost a month off before the blitz of media work that would accompany the release of my album, but the whole idea of going back to the US struck me as the end of some kind of holiday.
For me, the fortnight in the UK had been almost a return to home, and a chance to face up to certain demons that had haunted my life for the past year or so. For Justin it had been a true holiday, from his work, from his life, and even from his celebrity. The whole situation had been almost synthetic compared to our usual lives back in the US, it had allowed Justin and I to just be ourselves. However, I couldn't help wonder just how the relationship we had built up in this situation in the UK would transfer to our hectic, media ridden, and intensely publicised lives in the States.
I paused by the huge expanse of glass that looked out over the tarmac and concrete to the taxiways and runways off in the distance. The light drizzle gave the view a misty feeling. The aeroplanes and their routes across the ground made visible mainly by their brightly coloured lights.
"Oooo coffee" Justin said softly as he joined me by the window. I handed him his cup and returned to watching the small trucks speed along amidst the large bulks of the planes.
"Back to work soon." I thought out loud.
"Hmm. Well at least the weather will be better." Justin said with a small laugh.
"I live in New York, remember?" I laughed, taking a sip from my coffee. I wrapped my hands around the warm paper cup as the view of the outside made me shiver slightly. Justin sniggered slightly.
"You still unhappy with your house?" He asked.
"Yeah," I responded, "It's just too fuckin' big and I get all lonely in there on me own" I laughed.
"Awww" Justin said in sympathy, "You need a house mate."
"Or a new, smaller, house" I replied. I really felt an urge to have Justin's arms around me at that point, but I knew that it was out of the question what with us being in public.
I knew that trying to keep our relationship would be very hard. For one; we would be seen out together, and sometimes emotions get the best of you and you act without thinking. I knew that we would do stuff in public that would arouse questions if seen by the wrong people. Secondly; I wasn't entirely sure if I could handle the pressure of having to hide something that I would naturally want to shout from rooftops. Add too all that, the stresses of our careers, which make having friends outside your little circle of musicians and management hard enough at the best of times; basically I was dreading what was going to happen to Justin and I once we got back into the whole touring lark in the States.
"Come on Darren, that's us" Justin said as he started to walk off.
"What?" I asked in confusion.
"They've just called our flight for boarding." Justin answered.
"Oh" I mumbled to myself, realising I must have been away with the fairies for a while. I grabbed my hand luggage and jogged a few steps to catch up with Justin.
"You ditz" Justin laughed.
"I was just waitin' for you to walk off first so I could cop a look at your ass" I joked, causing Justin to blush a rather deep shade of red.
We boarded the plane and found our seats, in first class of course as I was travelling with the spoilt Justin.
As the plane climbed into the atmosphere I stared at the tiny window, looking at Justin's reflection as he fell asleep on my shoulder. As his soft breath caressed my neck I watched my home country get left behind as we raced back to our regular lives, friends and enemies.
End of Part Ten
JJ
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