Sam's Run

Sam's Run

by

Ian DeShils

The muscular bartender wearing a skin tight tee shirt looked him over.

"You're vice." He said, his voice sounding more like a statement than a question. Sam returned the look blankly. My vise? He wondered, what did he mean by that. Am I expected to explain exactly what I want from this place? He reddened at the thought. Hell, he couldn't explain that to himself. Suddenly he felt like running away, only there was no place left to run. He fought the urge, he knew if he left now he would never have the guts to come back. It had taken his last ounce of nerve just to walk into the Carousel and that only after being fortified by three quick shots of liquid courage elsewhere. Sam stood rooted to the spot, stricken while the barman's question echoed in his mind.

For months after Angie left he thought of suicide, in fact he twice tied ropes around the rafters in the attic, climbed the chair and did everything but step off. That, he couldn't do. Not even roaring drunk did he have the guts to take that last long final step. Now on the eve of his thirty-ninth birthday he stood in a gay bar with the question, "Your Vice?" ringing in his ears.' My vice, he thought, My vice is I fantasize about men. My vice is I had unsatisfying sex twice a week with my wife and then whacked off twice a day to keep from staring at men, to keep from turning queer. NO, that's wrong. I AM queer! After all these months alone that's the only thing I've come to know about myself. The truth is I'm caught in the jaws of my vice: I don't want to be gay only I can't change what I am, and I can't die and it's taken me almost 40 God Damned years to see how fucked up I am.' He wanted to shout it at the man, but didn't. He just bottled it up inside as he had always done.

His ulcer flared with the sudden ferocity of an erupting volcano. For a moment pain gripped his gut so hard he felt lightheaded. The bar man quickly stepping through the opening grabbed Sam's elbow,

"Are you OK, buddy? You look like you're gonna pass out. Here, sit down." he said, pressing Sam onto the nearest stool.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Sam protested, but he didn't feel fine. He felt like shit. He remembered the people on the street outside and how their faces took on a knowing look when he headed into the Carousel. What if someone he knew saw him come in? Oh, Damn, why didn't I pick another bar, he thought. He didn't know of any others, but in a city this size there must be more.

The Carousel had always drawn him. He passed it daily on his way back and forth from work, but never dared enter before. It was risky at best considering his work site was only six blocks away, and especially considering his boss, Al Hagen! The man was homophobic. Times beyond count, Sam had ridden down this same street with Hagan while listening to his queer jokes, his nasty put downs. The man seemed to go out of his way just to drive past here. Christ, what if Hagan found out! The more Sam thought about being seen, the more his stomach churned and he fished out a pill bottle.

"Can I have some water, please?"

"Sure," the bartender replied, moving away to fill a tall beer glass with ice water. He glanced at the Tagment bottle in Sam's hand, then went down the bar to wait on another customer. A few minutes later he came back and asked "Feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you. I'm sorry... I don't know what happened to me."

"You're not a cop, are you? I mean you look like you could be, but you don't talk like one."

"A cop?" Sam answered, his surprise clearly evident, "No, I'm not a cop." Then it came to him that the bartender had mistaken him for a vice squad officer.' Ye Gods, he thought, to top it off I'm going crazy.' At last the twisted knot in his stomach began to relax.

"OK, but do you know where you're at? What kind of place this is?" Sam nodded mutely

"Well, if you want a drink, I'm gonna have to see some ID. Just to be on the safe side, ya understand." The bar man smiled brightly and winked. Sam had no illusions that he looked that young, he hadn't been carded in 15 years. Instinctively he knew the man wanted to check out his wallet. If he were a cop, a badge would be there. Sam's wallet bulged right enough, but only with receipts, pictures and business cards. It was now July. The newness of his annual Christmas gift had long worn away as it molded itself tightly to his hip. He fished it out.

"Just a beer," Sam said, "And here's my drivers license." He added, leaving his wallet unfolded on the bar.

"Samuel Thomas" the bartender read aloud. Instantly satisfied, he brought the beer and remarked,

"This your first time in a gay bar, Sam?" Again Sam nodded.

"Well, don't worry, we don't bite. We just nibble a bit. You know, you sure are a big dude and damned if you don't carry yourself like a cop. You're gonna turn a few of heads here, Honey, believe me." A moment later he was off refilling a glass for a customer down the bar. Sam looked around. There were only a half dozen people present, each apparently doing some serious late afternoon drinking. He relaxed a bit and sipped his beer as he watched the bar man circulate. His name seemed to be Tony, at least that's what the regulars called him. After awhile the man came back to introduce himself,

"Tony Marco," He said, leaning across the bar to give Sam a firm handshake. He continued holding Sam's hand for a long moment as he added,

"Some call me Marco Polo. I'm the adventurous sort." He grinned and winked showing perfect white teeth. Sam was bowled over. Tony was coming on to him! His clothes looked like they were painted on, skin tight and leaving nothing to the imagination. As always when Sam saw an attractive man, his eyes drifted downward and this time he became mesmerized by the large bulge in Tony's pants. He sat there trying not to stare, but his eyes kept drifting back. He felt embarrassed, yet couldn't look away. Tony on the other hand, seemed to enjoy his interest. He winked at Sam and struck small poses showing off that bulge. When he bent to retrieve a beer from the cooler, he flexed the muscles of his firm butt suggestively. He was flirting openly and unabashedly with Sam and Sam was taking in every bit of it. With bated breath he watched, his own body reacting to the show. Finally Tony came over to lean close to Sam to whisper,

"I'm off at six, what say we go get a bite to eat?" Numbly, Sam agreed. He could hardly believe what was happening. This handsome man had found him attractive too! All his married life he ran from any involvement with men. He had plenty of opportunity at rest areas and in public bathrooms, but at the first hint of an overture he left the scene, sometimes making crude remarks he later regretted, yet he fantasized about what might happen, what would have happened had only stayed. His few actual encounters took place before he married. As a kid he fooled around with other boys his own age and in the army he allowed guys to blow him a few times, but only once had he gone any further than that. That time he spent a night with an older man and even went so far as to reciprocate with a partial blow job, that is, until the fellow said something that sent Sam scurrying for the door.

"Today's trey, tomorrow's competition." He joked. It was the last time for Sam. Nearly two decades past, years of marriage, years of hollowness and inner torment, years of trying to hide from himself. Then a month ago, standing on a chair with a rope around his neck, he finally faced the truth. Wanting to be normal, praying for it and spending years in hiding didn't change a thing. Death was but the last cowardly form of denial, one that would cruelly hurt his children. I am what I am, he thought, and all the wishing in the world can't make me anything else. That acceptance seemed to lift a weight from his soul that he had carried for as long as he could remember and yet the mere self acknowledgment changed nothing. He would now have to explore his new realized sexuality. It scared him as thoughts all that he had to lose flashed before his eyes. His friends, the guys he worked with. What would they think of him sitting in a gay bar? And then there was Hagen. Sam had no doubt at all that Hagan would find a reason to get rid of him, he sure had made it plain enough how he felt about gays. Still, he couldn't fight the feelings, the fantasies that plagued him, that woke him in the night.

All Sam knew of the shadowy lives of homosexuals came from books he read, a few that lightly touched the subject of men loving men. Nothing pornographic, those he didn't dare buy or even look at in the news stands he frequented, yet he did know the common knowledge things like men hanging around the rest areas and the Carousel bar. The rest areas scared him to death, cops were always picking up men there. That left only Carousel. For a month it was on his mind every waking moment. Suddenly all the hobbies he created to keep from thinking about men seemed so fake he wondered how he ever arrived at them. They didn't work anyway. The only thing that ever worked was daily and incessant masturbation. Sex with Angie somehow made it worse; it became a duty where more and more he depended on his fantasies to see him through it. He pretending to enjoy it for Angie's sake, yet these last years he often went without a climax and always with no satisfaction or relief. Masturbation was far preferable. At least in the shower he could reach a climax.

Sitting there sipping his beer, Sam at last knew exactly what he was looking for at the Carousel and why he plotted this weekend without the kids. He needed to feel again the thrilling intensity of those brief encounters he remembered, those too brief moments that became the basis for all his fantasies. He wanted sex that turned him on, not because it was his job to keep Angie happy. He wasn't able to do that anyway, act or not, she finally found someone else. Now he had to know if there was more to life than what he had experienced thus far. He hoped so, for if this proved to be as empty as his life with Angie, then perhaps it was time to step off the chair.

Tony oozed sex. He traveled up and down the bar waiting on new customers as they came in from the hot, humid streets, joking with everyone, yet his eyes kept tracking back to Sam. God, what a stud, he thought, so handsome, yet shy, a combination that turned him on. With his eyes he traced Sam's square masculine jawline, his broad brow and wide set eyes that seemed gray/green in the dim light of the bar. Why he must be over six foot, Tony thought as he scanned the man's firm body. He just happened to look up when the man entered the bar and had instantly become enmeshed in a fantasy that included the good looking cop, only Sam wasn't a cop and it didn't have to remain a fantasy.

Tony's flirting became more intense. Each time he passed he reached out to touch Sam, sometimes just trailing dampened fingers across his hands, other times he came from behind the bar to lean seductively against him while letting his hands wander elsewhere. Tony soon had Sam catching his breath from the sheer audacity of those moves. He was feeling Sam up right in front of everyone and no one took more than a passing interest in the activity. It was unreal, yet oh, so tantalizing. He envied Tony's freedom. He too wanted to be like that, open and free, not worried about what people might think. Later, when he heard Tony mentioning their upcoming tryst he blushed, yet he felt warm all over.

"Keep your hands to yourself, Bitch. He's all mine." Tony told a newcomer who laughed at the comment. Sam felt awkward and unsophisticated yet the mere though of Tony's touch filled him with anticipation.

After 5 PM the room began to fill. As more and more people crowded in, Sam's quiet spot at the end of the bar became packed until they were standing 2 deep behind him. Tony, still working alone, was now rushing around like mad and bitching loudly while glancing at the clock. The help he was expecting at last arrived. Three men stepped behind the bar taking Tony's place while he rung out the register and disappeared into the back room. Sam watched the door but he never reappeared and after 15 minutes Sam began to wonder if maybe Tony had changed his mind. Then, from behind, warm hands slid around his waist to drop into his lap and massage him there and Tony's breath warmed his ear,

"Ready?" Sam's body gave an instant response to the manipulations. Tony laughed,

"Oh Man, your ready all right. Let's go." But as Sam arose from the stool, Tony did something totally outrageous. Wrapping his arms around Sam's neck, he pulling him to kiss him full on the lips, his tongue probing forward, forcing its way in. Sam was shocked. He had never kissed a man before, yet the sudden heat generated by this unexpected attack swept away all his inhibitions. He melted against Tony and shared with him the most passionate embrace he had ever experienced. Nothing he had ever done before compared to that kiss and for awhile nothing else existed, not the bar, nor the crowd, only Tony and his probing tongue and the tingling in Sam's loins where Tony's hard muscular body pressed tightly against him. Time was at a standstill and he became lost in a place where absolutely nothing else existed, nothing else mattered.

Sam slowly came back to awareness with the sound of applause and wolf whistles overriding the driving beat of a Spanish tune on the juke box. He and Tony were the center of attention. The crowd of bodies had pulled back to watch the show while others craned to get a peek.

"Man, you guys are HOT!" someone shouted. Tony raised his hands above his head snapping fingers in time with the music and giving a fair imitation of a flamenco dancer. He turned in front of Sam, brushing against him while someone in the crowd shouted "Ole, Ole". Tony spun a moment than grabbed Sam's hand and shouted,

"Eat your hearts out, Girls" and he and Sam were out the door. Everything happened so fast Sam could hardly keep abreast of it. Suddenly they were on the street, the harsh July sun beating down while passersby cast knowing looks at them and the Carousel. Once again nervous butterflies attacked his stomach.

"Where are we going?" He asked

"My place first," Tony replied, "I live just around the corner." Outside the bar, Tony was more subdued. Here he displayed none of the playful touching that had gone on inside and for that Sam was thankful. He still harbored a fear that someone he knew might see him and that thought put him on edge again. They walked in silence until Tony grabbed an elbow and guided Sam up the steps of a small, shabby three story brick building.

"This used to be a famous whorehouse back in the '40's and '50's." Tony commented as they climbed to the second floor, "They say it was a real classy joint in those days, but it's kind of a dump now." he added apologetically. Sam had seen far worse and he said as much. At least here the hallways were clean and well lit. The smell of floor wax hung on the air as though someone had just finished buffing and while the painted walls displayed numerous chips and dents, no graffiti marred their faded surfaces.

Once inside the apartment other worries set in. Tony looked healthy, but was he really? God, I can't catch some disease, not with the kids depending on me. Clap would be bad enough, but AIDS? That thought chilled him to the bone and all the building excitement of the last hour drained away. The booze was wearing off while the ramifications of what he was doing came crashing down around him.

"Tony, . . ." His voice trailed away to silence. How could he tell this most desirable man that with all his heart he wanted what was being offered and yet he was too frightened to go any further. Tony saw the stricken look .

"You're not going to pass out again, are you? He said, leading Sam to the couch. "Say, what's wrong with you anyway?" he ask suspiciously, "Do you have something I should know about?"

"No, no, I'm fine. It's just that I. . . I've never done this before. . ."

"My God, I've found me a virgin!" Tony laughed, then he asked, "Seriously, you've never been with a man before?"

"Not in the last twenty years. Before I was married . . . A few times, but not since."

"I figured you were married, you seem the type. So, just looking for a little something on the side, huh?"

"It's not like that. We're getting a divorce. Angie won't be coming back, but I've got my kids to think about, the youngest is only twelve. I've got to be careful. . ." Light dawned in Tony's eyes,

"Your worried about the big A, is that it? Sam nodded.

"Well let me tell you Honey, Tony don't mess around with the big A. It's safe sex or no sex. I'd have to know you a whole lot better before you got into me without a latex curtain. Anyway, I thought we were going out tonight?"

They drove to the suburbs to a small cafe Tony knew. It was modest and quiet with canned music playing softly in the background. In an attempt to add a little up class look, the tables in the booths were draped in long white linen cloths and the place settings sprouted red napkins and stemmed glassware that looked almost like crystal. It was nice without being gaudy, the lighting quietly subdued and a far cry from the raucous Carousel in both distance and atmosphere. Tony now dressed in jeans and a polo shirt with a swoosh across the pocket, blended in perfectly with the family crowd. The waitress obviously knew Tony well for when she took their order she asked,

"Who's your friend?" Tony introduced Sam, all very straight and proper, but when she left he said,

"Leave it to Maggie to spot a good looking guy. She's got the hots for you. See her looking this way?" Sam blushed. He couldn't figure out if Tony was putting him on or not. He felt awkward again and out of place, even though this was the same kind of quiet little restaurant he always chose when dinning out.

"She's making eyes at you right now, take a look!" Sam refused to even glance her way.

"Maggie used to come on to me like that until I told her I had a girl friend. Don't let it go to your head though, she has a thing about big men in general, a regular nympho from what I hear."

"Does that interest you?" Sam asked.

"No, but I thought it might interest you. I'm still trying to figure you out, Sam, I mean you look so damn straight."

"So do you. . . Now."

"Ah, but this is just an act. I still have to watch what I say every minute. With you it seems natural. Are you sure you wouldn't like to give Maggie a whirl?" Sam was a little put out by Tony's sudden change in attitude.

"Look, Maggie doesn't turn me on, can't we just drop it?"

"I don't think so. We need to get on the same page here. You seem kind of fucked up, Sam like you don't really know what you want. I get real nervous around guys who only think they want to get it on. Some go ballistic afterwards and I don't need that shit. All I'm saying is if you aren't sure who you are yet, maybe you ought to go back to the wife."

"Look, it took me nineteen years to walk to the Carousel." Sam replied, in a tight voice, "That's a long hike. Just because I don't fit right in, doesn't mean I have any illusions about myself. The truth is I never wanted to be gay, but I am and that's the fact of it, but do I have to wear high heels to prove it? Why can't I just be myself?" Tony laughed,

"High heels! Now wouldn't that be a sight! Sam I like you fine, without high heels. In fact I haven't seen a better looking guy in months. I just wanted to make sure you weren't confused." The meal came and all conversation stopped for awhile. During that meal Tony's foot found Sam's and by the end of it more was going on below the table than above. Luckily the tablecloths was very long.

They left, but instead of going back to town, Tony drove to a little park at water's edge. He pulled in and turned off the lights and they watched the moon come up, huge and glowing over the river where it left a golden path on the water that looked solid enough to walk on.

"Beautiful. .." Tony breathed and Sam agreed. Then they kissed and Sam again experienced that wondrous feeling, as though his body was melting into Tony's, becoming one with him. Always with Angie he was separate and alone. Even at their most intimate moments he never lost that singularity, the feeling that he was only looking on. With Tony it vanished. For a few minutes they became one, totally and completely and Sam realized: This was the thing missing from his married life, and probably from Angie's too. It's a wonder she stuck it out for all those years, he thought. At least now she has someone who can give her this. Never once did he blame her for the breakup, his only worry was what it might do to the kids. They weathered it better than he expected, not happy perhaps, but without the deep emotional upheaval he feared. Now, he thought, What am I doing to the kids? He watched as Tony started the car singlehandedly. Tony's other hand was trapped firmly within Sam's big palm. Someday the kids will have to know, he thought, someday when I can figure it out myself. . .

Chapter 2

Saturday morning Sam awoke with his arm around Tony. He felt so abidingly peaceful, so totally relaxed he didn't want to move. Spooned against him, Sam listening to the little snoring sounds Tony made. Last night had been wonderful, the most illuminating night of his life. For hours they shared the couch, stretched out naked, sipping wine, a baseball game playing on the TV and they paying no attention to it at all. Kisses, sweet wondrous kisses, interspersed with fondling, just toying with each other. No sex, just a prelude, a long wonderful, tantalizing prelude. Finally they found their way to bed and it was there Sam could resist no longer. His body was ablaze with a fire stoked by the hours on the couch and he became lost in the intensity of his desires. He slid down to engulf Tony, not worrying about AIDS, or his children or his job. Nothing mattered except this moment. As he slipped his mouth around Tony's hard cock a wondrous thing happened. Every doubt vanished, all the years of built up tension seemed to leave his body in a sudden rush. He became lost in the sensation, the masculine odor, the taste, the thrill. . . When Tony came he didn't choke like he thought he might, it flooded his mouth, a hot, peppery/alive taste that he swallowed greedily. Long after Tony was finished Sam just stayed there wanting more and more until Tony finally pulled him up into his arms and kissed him. Using his body, Tony pinned him to the bed while reaching down to stroke Sam's rock hard manhood. He kissed his lips, his eyes, and then with warm, sweet humor in his voice he said,

"That may not have been the most professional blow job I ever had, but it was surely the most sincere. Now let me give you a few pointers." He lay his head on Sam's stomach to play with him a moment, while measuring in his mind what he held in his hand. Sam was such a big man that his hugeness didn't seem outsized in comparison.

"My God, your big," he exclaimed, "You'd drive a size queen wild!" He lowered his mouth, taking in just the first few inches, then swirling his tongue about, he took in another inch. Sam came instantly! His body wreaked as he poured forth a flood that not only nearly overwhelmed Tony but also surprised him. He didn't know anyone could come that fast. Sam, running his fingers through Tony's curly hair, finally relaxed and Tony came up off his monster prize to look at it.

"Quick too!" He muttered as he gave Sam one final kiss there. Later is was more languorous but no less satisfying for each of them. Sam might be quick, but he was also a quick learner. By the third round, Sam had Tony moaning and pounding on the bed as he came. It was also during that round that Tony had to work a little harder for the prize. This time he got nearly half of it in his mouth. It was three in the morning before they finally reached the point of sleep and as he drifted off, Sam thought: Was this what I was frightened of? This feeling of being alive. God, what a fool I've been!

Sunlight struck Tony's face causing him to stir. Sam didn't want to move, but Tony slid around on his back to look at him,

"Morning, Big Fella. Sleep well?"

"Like a rock." Sam replied as he felt his way down Tony's chest to grasp his manhood. He threw back the covers, he wanted to see Tony's body in broad daylight, to gaze upon the man who had eased his soul. Without a word he started kissing him all over, using all the tricks he learned from Tony, and at last ending up with Tony's manhood in his mouth. It was wonderful. More than anything he wanted that taste again, that hot peppery/salty/alive taste. He couldn't seem to get enough of that.

Tony had been surprised at Sam's total acceptance of gay sex. Most guys weren't nearly that responsive at first. It seemed that everything about Sam surprised him; he truly didn't know what to expect last night, Sam was so repressed Tony wasn't sure whether he would stay the night, or simply disappear after he got off. Now he wondered if they were ever going to leave the bed. Not that it bothered him, Sam was a gorgeous hunk, 6'2 at least, muscled, hairy and handsome and hung like a donkey. He realized just how easy it would be to fall for someone like that. On top of everything else, Sam was really a sweetheart, he knew that without knowing anything else about the man. He lay back in pure contentment as Sam worked him towards a climax and when he came, Sam moaned in utter delight.

For a while that morning it became Friday night all over again. Tony reciprocated and then of course Sam gave it another shot. Finally it was simply hunger that brought it to a halt. They showered and dressed and went out for breakfast and as they ate, Sam asked if Tony would mind riding with him out to his house.

"There's no one there this weekend. The dog needs to be fed and I've got to make sure the horse has water."

"You have a farm?"

"No, just ten acres. The horse belongs to my daughter. She doesn't ride him anymore so I suppose I'll get rid of him. He's become a big expensive pet."

"Sure, I go. I like horses and I'd like to see where you live." It was only twenty miles from the city, but it could have been a thousand by the look of the countryside. Rolling hills with tiny valleys in between covered a landscape where quaint old two story farm houses mixed freely with the modern ranch variety. There were still a few actual working farms in the area, but mostly it was bordering on suburbia. Sam's house was a split level ranch, off by itself, nestled in one of the little valleys. Nowhere could you see another house, they were hidden by hills that surrounded on all sides. Sam had picked this spot fifteen years ago, long before the sprawl set in. Now he was thinking of an apartment in town, closer to work and without all the maintenance the house required. Tony declared the place fabulous. He wandered about the yard looking at the summer flowers, playing with Wolfmeister and breathing the air that seems so much cleaner here than in the city. Sam unrolled a hose and filled water trough for Tiger, the quarter horse he had purchased for Susan five years ago as a 4-H project. When Tony saw the sleek animal, he asked if he could take him for a ride. It had been years since he last rode a horse and he had almost forgotten what beautiful creatures they were.

"Now be careful, old Tiger hasn't had a saddle on in years. Let me lead for a few minutes until he gets him used to being ridden again."

"Nah, he'll be OK, won't you, Fella?" Tony said, patting the horse's neck. Tiger seemed to agree. He stood patiently while they strapped on the saddle, then Tony climbed aboard and at that same instant Tiger forgot all about being calm and patient. He took off like a canon shot. Down the road he went, hell for leather with Tony hanging on for dear life. He was three miles away before he got control of the animal, the three fastest miles Tony had ever traveled outside of an automobile. When he got back to the yard, he dismounted and without a word, stripped the saddle off and turned the horse loose in the pasture. Sam was trying his best not to laugh, but that failed completely when Tony, hobbling toward the house said with feeling,

"I think I remember now why I stopped riding those son's a bitches!"

The rest of the day went far better. Sam whipped up a quick meal of instant mashed potatoes and hamburger patties smothered in mushroom gravy and they settled in to watch a baseball game. This time they actually watched part of it.

All through the afternoon they talked, just getting to know each other on a different, and perhaps more intimate level. At least it seemed that way to Sam. He wanted to know all about this man who he so enjoyed being with. Tony told humorous stories about bar tending at the Carousel and more serious ones on how his life had changed since losing a good paying job with GE. Sam opened his life to Tony, pulling out pictures of his children. Susan, now in collage, or would be when she came back Europe, and his sons, Paul fifteen and Raymond twelve, both looking very much like their father. He told Tony that the boys usually stayed here on the weekends, only they were away at camp at the moment. What he didn't say was that it was he who decided they should go to camp. They didn't want to, but Sam insisted. For better or worse, he had planned this weekend as his first step toward a new life. Now that he had accomplished that, he was surprised to find how easy it had been. Only yesterday afternoon he was scared to death, afraid of being seen, and almost as frightened of meeting only stereotypical gays at the Carousel, those finger snapping, jive talking faggots he saw in movies. He had nothing in common with those types, he thought. Only, now he realized he did and he was amazed at how comfortable he was with that idea. Tony could camp it up with the best of them, Sam had seen him do it at the bar, yet there was nothing about the man that turned him off, in fact everything about him turned him on. He couldn't seem to get enough sex, at least not the satisfying sex Tony provided, and yet there was more to it than just sex. He liked Tony, he genuinely liked him. Even when he said raunchy things like, "Jeez, you're natural born cocksucker!" it was OK, it even pleased him that Tony would say it. He loved the companionship and that feeling of closeness. They could talk about anything, say anything, and it seemed natural. It was a freedom he never felt before, a freedom to express himself verbally or physically without any restrains whatsoever. When Tony called him a cocksucker, he got so hot just thinking about it he could have tore the pants off the man.

That evening they sprawled naked about the house, the shades drawn and Sam constantly feasting his eyes on Tony. He could hardly believe how beautiful he was. His soft brown hair curled down over his forehead in almost a classic Roman style. His eyes were startlingly blue and his beautiful body displayed the sculpting only weight training provides, yet not an overblown bodybuilders physique, just defined and rounded in a very sexy way. Sam himself carried a well defined body, only his came from the warehouse work he did up until five years ago. Since then he had been in management, a sedentary occupation and Sam had taken up exercising to keep from turning to fat. He ran ten miles a week, did a hundred push ups each morning and worked out a half an hour each day on the Soloflex. It kept him trim and even seemed to help quell the ulcer that had plagued him for years.

The Ulcer! It no longer gnawed at his gut! He hadn't thought about it once since leaving the Carousel last night with Tony. It just seemed to vanish, not a twinge anymore. Tony's semen cured it, he thought. In a way he was right. He knew of course it wasn't the semen, it was getting rid of all the inhibitions and that miserable repressed feeling he had carried for years. He laughed. Now there's a thought he said to himself, maybe I should write a book, "Cocksucking, the perfect ulcer cure." Even if it proved to be his cure, it was hard to imagine any doctor putting that on a prescription slip. Still, as far as Sam was concerned, it was better than all the drugs he'd taken, to say nothing about being a hell of a lot more fun.

Chapter 3

"I thought you said no way without a condom?"

"No, what I said is I'd have to know you better first. Don't worry, I'm healthy, I've got the blood tests to prove it."

"I gave up worrying Friday night. I figured you would tell me. Maybe that's a stupid assumption considering how things are nowadays, still with you, I was willing to take the chance."

"Never take chances, Sam, 'cause someday you'll get burned. I wasn't taking any, that's why we went out for dinner. You don't run across many thirty-nine year old virgins at the Carousel. I had to make sure, and I am. Now are we going to do this or not?" Sam shut up and followed Tony's instructions precisely. Slowly, carefully he entered, a little at a time until at last he was fully inside. He had been hesitant about this at first. It seemed so. . Messy, but it wasn't at all, in fact it felt wonderful, much more intense than he imagined it could be. Slowly he began to pump and Tony moaned.

"Am I hurting you?"

"NO, God, no, it feels wonderful. You don't have to be careful now. Go for it, Harder, Harder!" He cried. Later, Tony lay in his arms,

"Promise me you won't be so tender next time. God I love that, it just drives me crazy."

"Sort of like I feel with you in my mouth. I can't get enough of it."

"You really dig that, don't you?"

"Yeah. Oh man it's such a terrific feeling. When you come it does things to me I can't explain. With Angie sex was work, now I'm like a kid with a box of candy. I guess that's a poor analogy, but you know what I mean, the more I get, the more I want."

"I've noticed." Tony replied with a laugh. He then began plotting ways to get Sam inside him again, stroking that huge member, slipping down to kiss it. It would be easy to fall for this guy, he thought, so God Damned easy.

Sunday morning they were aroused by the phone. It was Angie and she was in tears.

"Sam, you've got to come right away, it's Raymond, he's in the hospital!"

"Wha. . .What happened?" he asked sleepily.

"I don't know. They called from camp, he's sick. They've taken him to Northland General, over in Greysburg. Can you leave right away?"

"Of course," He looked at Tony, "Only I'll be bringing a friend along, otherwise he'll be stranded out here. Where are you right now?

"Somewhere on route 50, about an hour from Greysburg, I think. If you leave right away, we should get there about the same time. Please hurry!"

"Take it easy, Angie, don't get yourself in an accident. Are you alone?"

"Jim's driving. Please come right along, you know how Raymond is, he'll expect you to be there."

"I'm getting my clothes on now. Just cool down, Angie, maybe it's nothing more than a stomach ache. I'll meet you at the hospital. Tell Jim to drive the speed limit. If you get pulled over, you could be hung up for hours." Sam put the phone down.

"What happened?" Tony asked.

"I don't know, my boy is in the hospital. We have to go to Greysburg." He bent down to brush Tony's lips with his own.

"Poor, Tony. This is becoming one a hell of a weekend for you."

"Hey, I told you I'm an explorer, I take it as it comes. Get dressed. I'll brush my teeth and we'll be out of here in eight minutes flat." It was actually nine minutes, which was still pretty good coming off a naked start.

No matter his admonishments to Angie, Sam kicked the Bronco up to 75 and held it there all the way to Greysburg. Jim was waiting in the lobby with a nervous look on his face. He was not the least bit comfortable around Sam, especially not since Angie moved in. He kept expecting the big man to blow up over that. So far Sam hadn't said a word, but there was always that possibility. Now with Raymond in the hospital he worried even more. Guys get uptight about everything when their kids are hurting.

"What's wrong with Ray?" Sam demanded.

"Acute appendicitis, I guess. They just took him in to surgery. Angie's up in the second floor waiting room, so maybe we better go see what's going on." When they got there, the news was very good. The appendices had not burst and it looked like a clean and fairly simple operation. With the tension gone, Sam finally remember to introduce Tony.

"Angie, I'd like you to meet Tony Marco, a very close friend of mine. Tony, this Angie the former Mrs. Thomas, and her boyfriend, Jim Firestien. Unless something has changed, I believe a wedding is coming up in another month or so. Is it still on Jim?" He was beginning to babble and he knew it, but he couldn't stop himself. He felt light as a feather. Raymond was going to be all right! That, on top of everything else that had happened this weekend left him bursting with joy. He felt like kissing everyone in the room. Jim answered Sam with a mute nod. The sudden change in Sam was making him very uncomfortable. He was smiling and acting like a guy who had just won the lottery. What brought this on, he wondered.

"That's great! Believe me, I wish you the best of everything. Angie's a wonderful woman and I know you'll both be happy." Angie stared at Sam oddly,

"You've changed, there's something different about you."

"Well, I'm happy and my ulcer doesn't hurt anymore. Maybe that's it"

"Was it really that bad being married to me, did I cause the ulcer?"

"Angie, nothing was your fault, it was mine. Someday I'll tell you about it. I just want us to be friends, after all, we have the kids to raise. From the bottom of my heart, Angie, I wish you the best of everything and I mean it. I think Jim is a fine fellow. He's the husband you need and certainly deserve."

"You know, I like you better now. Whatever changed you, it's a big improvement over the silent Sam I used to know." She linked her arm around Jim's, "Still, if this is a ploy to win me back, forget it! You had your chance, years of chances."

"No, ploys, Angie, nothing at all like that. I only hope you don't hate me!"

"I never hated you Sam, it's just that after awhile there was nothing there anymore. I think you tried, in fact I know you did, but a woman can feel it when she's not loved. I need that."

"We all do , Angie, we all do." and he smiled at Tony. Angie not thinking along those lines never caught the look.

It was late in the afternoon before Raymond finally awoke enough to speak. They stayed with him the entire evening until the nurse came around to tell them visiting hours were over. They now had choices to make. Either stay in Greysburg or go home and come back the following morning. Since both Tony and Jim worked the next day they decided on the drive. Ray was fine, no complications what so ever, in fact long before the visit was over, Raymond was more interested in TV than in the conversation that went on around him. The only time he took his eyes from the screen was when he first saw Tony who had been waiting outside with Jim.

"Who are you?" Ray asked, with the demanding impetuousness only a child can show.

"Tony Marco, I'm a friend of your father. You know, Ray, I've got a son just a couple of years older than you and he had this same operation when he was five." That didn't impress Ray, but it startled the hell out of Sam. Tony had never said a word about a son.

On the way back he asked for the details and found out that Tony hadn't seen his boy in seven years.

"When I came out to my wife, she divorced me. That wasn't so awful considering we didn't get along anyway, but she slapped a court order on me that prevents me from ever seeing Timmy again. Evidently I'm too perverted to talk to my son, at least that's what the court says. I learned why so many married men are afraid of coming out. Believe me, it's hell when you can't even see your own kid." It was a sobering thought to Sam. He would have to be careful, at least until Raymond was beyond the reach of those kind of court orders. He had almost told Angie that very afternoon. He thought about, even wanted to, but at the last moment decided against it. Now he was glad he had kept his mouth shut. He would have to feel Angie out first. He didn't think she would do such a thing, but obviously Tony didn't think that about his wife either. No use totally messing up my life, he thought. A step at a time. . . Don't jump out of the frying into the fire. The old adages came back and the warnings now seemed specifically aimed at him.

Since both she and Sam were going back to the hospital in the morning, Angie talked Jim into accepting Sam's offer of the guest room. It would save Jim an additional sixty miles that evening, but Sam still had to take Tony home.

"I may stay in town overnight," he told Angie, "But if I do, I'll be here around 8:30." Before he left, they called the hospital one last time. Raymond was sound asleep and all was well.

Chapter 4

"You drive, I'm pooped." Sam exclaimed, handing Tony the keys as they headed for the Bronco. Jim and Angie were in the house, Angie, fighting off Wolfmeister who had gone crazy over seeing her again.

"Poor Baby." Tony responded, "All this running around after all that fucking last night. You must be worn out!" Sam chuckled,

"You seem chipper enough."

"I should be, you did all the work. I'm not tired at all, just hungry."

"Maybe that's my trouble too. There's a place on the highway. If it's still open we can grab a bite." The food seemed to revive Sam and when they left he took the wheel again without thinking. Not a mile from the restaurant, a patrol car pulled up behind them, it's light bar flashing red.

"Jesus! Now what? Was I speeding?"

"I don't think so." Tony replied. Muttered to himself, Sam pulled onto the shoulder and rolled down the window. A moment later the cop walked along side and beamed a flashlight in his face.

"Sir, did you know you have a tail light out?" The cop asked, his voice carrying a distinctive western twang.

"Oh, I'm sorry Officer, I'll get it fixed right away." Sam replied. That's a relief, he thought, just a fix-it ticket. Then Tony spoke up,

"You cops are all alike! Stopping folks for no good reason. It's police harassment, that's what it is. I ought to file a complaint." The flashlight snapped to Tony's face.

"Tony! What the hell are you doing out here?" The cop asked in surprise.

"Well, I was going home until certain big bad policeman pulled us over. How's it hanging, Frank." The officer's whole attitude changed. He relaxed and leaned against the Bronco.

"So, what are you guys up too?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just coming back from a terrific weekend." As if to add emphasis, he reached over and rubbed Sam's leg letting his hand outline Sam's large endowment. The cop took it all in. Tony continued playing around until the cop said,

"Jesus, Tony, stop it. You're getting me all worked up!" Tony's hand stayed right where it was and the flashlight's beam never wavered from Sam's lap. He began to rub Sam full length and Sam swelled in response. He outlined the head, slowly rubbing his thumb across it and Sam came to full rigidity, a little damp spot darkened his jeans.

"Damn it! Now you've done it." The cop moaned, "I've got a hard on and there's a rookie riding with me tonight." Tony laughed. The cop answered that with a threat,

"Oh, your gonna get it Tony, just wait and see."

"Hey, I've already had it Frankie. Sam, this is Frank Eber, the best cop on the beat."

"Hi ya Sam. Say, buddy, can I see your driver's license. That kid is back there is taking everything in, so I gotta make this look half assed official." Sam pulled out his wallet and handed the license over. Frank scanned it briefly,

"OK, you can go now, only next time, I just might have to frisk you myself. You guys take it easy, and don't do anything I wouldn't" With smile and a wink he handed back the license. The encounter amazed Sam. The cop being gay was startling enough, but more surprising was how Sam reacted when Tony began his fondling. He enjoyed having the cop watch. It turned him on and evidently it turned the cop on too. Sam even leaned back so the guy could get a better look. Damn, I'm a regular exhibitionist, he thought. What next? He was discovering things about himself he never suspected. In only a couple of days his old staid life had slipped away and he was becoming a totally different person. Sam was astounded at the change, yet it felt right. It felt so very, very right.

Chapter 5

Sam arrived at the house at 8:30 on the dot and found Angie in the kitchen feeding Wolfmeister. She poured Sam a cup of coffee and began tidying up.

"Just leave it, Angie, I'll take care of it later."

"Sam. . . " She hesitated, "How long have you known Tony?"

"Just a short while. Why?"

"Well, I thought you might have come home last night, so I looked in the bedroom this morning . . . And, well. . . I found something. . ." She hesitated again. Oh, damn, he thought, she found the towel! Even without it, it was pretty obvious that two people had shared the bed. He took a deep breath.

"So, I guess you figured it out, right?"

"How long has this has this been going on, Sam?"

"Nothing has been going on, at least not while you and I were living together. What I do now is my own business."

"You know, for a long time I thought you had a girlfriend, I never dreamed it might be a man who came between us."

"Jesus, Angie, I just said nothing went on while we were married. This is all new to me too. What came between us was how I felt about myself, not what I was doing. Tony is the only one and that's brand new."

"Really? Then I don't have to worry about AIDS?"

"No, you don't have to worry about AIDS, not from me anyway. You might want to check with Jim though."

"He's not gay!" Angie replied, upset at the thought.

"I didn't say he was, only I don't think that disease cares one damn bit. Look, if you're worried, get a blood test, I'll pay for it." Angie felt relieved. She didn't think at this late date, Sam would lie. He wasn't the lying type anyway. She was just getting over the shock of finding that stained towel. All the horrible thoughts that went through her mind. . . Sam was right, it wasn't any of her business, not anymore, still, in one way it was. There was Paul and Raymond. . .

"What about the boys?" She asked.

"What about them?"

Well, you certainly can't have Tony here when they're around."

"Why not? Jesus, you don't think we'd wander around naked in front of them? The kids will have to know someday, not right away of course, hell, I'm still trying sort it all out, but someday. When they do find out, I want them to be comfortable with it. I want them to know that Tony and I are not the weirdo's kids are warned about in school. We're just like everyone else, except for one tiny detail and that detail is private, just as their parent's sex life was private."

"You make it sound so reasonable, but what if the boys decide to make the same choice you have? After all, they'll have your example right in front of them."

"Choice? There's no choice involved. God, I never wanted to be gay. The only choice I made was to stay alive. I don't know where homosexuality comes from, Angie, but it's damn sure not something we opt for like picking out a suit of clothes. I think the boys will be fine, but if either one turns out gay then at least he won't have to live in a vacuum for forty years trying to figure it out."

Angie was still doubtful. The idea of Sam having Tony living there, even on a part time basis, bothered her. She needed to think it through, only that would come later. Right now Raymond was foremost on her mind. She called the hospital. Raymond was sitting up eating breakfast. They were having trouble keeping him in bed, the nurse told her, he wanted to ride in the wheelchair.

That afternoon when they came back from the hospital, Sam delivered Angie home and then stopped by the Carousel to see Tony. This time he walked through the door without the slightest worry of what people thought.

"HI Sammy," Tony exclaimed, leaning over the bar to kiss him, "How's Raymond?"

"He's fine, can't keep that kid down. Angie's picking him up in the morning and I'm supposed to have dinner with them. Would you like to come?"

"Can't, I'm working tomorrow night. Billy called in sick, only I've got a hunch he's just on a honeymoon. He met a guy over the weekend. Billy's not saying much, but all the girls are talking about it. I could work up a dossier with the reports coming in. Say, maybe you know him. Supposedly he works at the same place you do. A little guy, sharp dresser with a pear shaped mole on his cheek." Sam laughed until tears ran down his face.

"Know him? He's my boss!" Suddenly it was clear, the rides down this street, the comments Hagan made, all his talk of girls, the swinging bachelor image he cultivated. It was a facade. Sam couldn't believe it. Shakespeare was right. How did it go? "Methinks you protest too much." Well, Albert Finis Hagan, Sam thought to himself, methinks you protested way too much.

Drinks were in order over that bit of news, so Sam bought a round for the bar, then he and Tony settled down for a few minutes of conversation. Somewhere alone the way, Sam asked the question that was foremost on his mind.

"Ever think about moving out to the country?" Tony reached over and stroked that broad jaw he found so handsome.

"I think you're terrific, Sam and I love visiting your place, but maybe we're moving too fast here. Let's slow down and get to know each other first. It's a big step, you know, living together full time. Instead, why don't I give you a spare key to my apartment. You can stay over anytime you like, and we'll save your house for those special occasions like appendicitis attacks." He was using humor to divert Sam. It would be so easy to fall for this guy, Tony knew he was on the verge of doing so, only the last couple of times he rushed headlong into things it hadn't worked out. Besides, Sam still had miles to go before he could figure out what he really wanted. Keep Sam as a friend, he cautioned himself, not turn him into a jealous lover. Tony knew himself well, and no matter how much he cared for someone, being 100 percent faithful was not one of his aptitudes.

Sam tried not to show disappointment. He felt so comfortable, so in tune with Tony that he just couldn't bear the thought of not being with him all the time. He accepted the key, but also forced a spare house key onto Tony. If this was the way it had to be, fine, but they would at least be on an equal footing. Then an idea stuck. He could board Tiger until he talked to Susan, and Angie would take Wolfmeister, he was sure of it. That would leave him free to move into town.

"Do you mind if I store a few things at your apartment? I hate clothes flapping around in the back of the Bronco." One way or another, Sam intended to convince Tony to live with him, and he didn't care where.

"Sure you can, in fact, why don't you stay over tonight. I won't be off 'till nine, that will give you plenty of time to get a few things, feed the animals and do whatever else you have to. Tomorrow, I don't work until five, we'll have the whole day." Someone yelled,

"Tony, if you can break away from your boyfriend for a minute, how about a little service here?"

"Keep your shirt on." He yelled back. Then to Sam, "Gotta go, my public calls." Sam finished his drink,

"I'll see you later, Tony."

"Ah, you sure will, Babe, all of me." As Sam was leaving, Tony broke into song, "All of me, why not take all of me. . ." Sam smiled all the way back to the Bronco.

At seven that evening, Sam parked the Bronco next to Tony's Escort in the little lot behind the apartment building. He lugged a suitcase upstairs and let himself in, then started looking for a place to hang his clothes. At around eight-thirty, someone knocked at the door and he opened to find a cop standing in the hall. It took him a moment to realize it was Frank Eber. Sam had not gotten a good look at the man the night before so it wasn't until he spoke that he actually recognized him

"Hi ya, Sam, is Tony home?"

"Not right now, he gets off at nine, can you wait?" Frank came in and shut the door behind him. He was tall, not as tall as Sam, but heavier and with a square, stockiness to him that made him imposing. He smiled at Sam,

"Good to see ya again. My, ain't you a big one. It's hard to tell when you were sitting down, I mean I knew parts of you were, but not all of you." Sam laughed,

"I've got some coffee in the kitchen." Sam offered. Frank followed. They sat talking, sipping the hot black liquid.

"So, Tony tells me you two just met." Frank queried.

"Friday, only it seems like we've know each other for years. He's a great guy."

"That he is. Great bod too, he can make you come just looking at him." Sam laughed. He liked Frank, he was as easy to talk to as Tony. Frank was not as spectacular in his looks as Tony, but there was a definite smoldering sensuality about him. He looked great, sitting there in uniform. He filled it so nicely. From the corner of his eye Sam checked him out. It wasn't intentional exactly, but Frank was the type of man Sam had always checked out; attractive, masculine, strongly built. He pushed the thought away.

"Tony should be here in a few minutes." He said, getting up to put the cups in the sink. Frank trailed him out of the kitchen and when Sam dropped on the couch, he came over to sit next to him, very close, his leg pressing against Sam's.

"I only got to look last night," he said, "This I want to check out for myself." and his hand grasped Sam firmly through his pants.

"Ah. . . Frank, what do you think you're doing?" Sam was at first startled by the move, then shocked at how intensely exciting this was. Frank's hand stroked him through the denim, getting him hard in a matter of moments.

"Why frisking you of course, I told you I would." He began working on Sam's fly. In a moment he had it unzipped and without a single protest from Sam, pulled out Sam's cock to look at it for a moment.

"God, what a chunk of meat!" Were his last words, just before dropping down to engulf as much of it as possible. In only moments he had Sam on the verge of coming. Frank must have realized it, for he pulled back to slowly stroke it.

"Tony said you liked to suck cock too. Well, I've got one if you're interested." He undid his belt, sliding his pant's down to display a handsome, large mouthful, nicely formed and fully rigid. That's all it took. In a flash Sam was on it and going for the gold as far as he was concerned. Frank wove his fingers in Sam's hair, urging him downward, driving ever deeper into his throat. Sam did everything he knew, everything Tony had taught him. He was striving for the climax and when Frank came in a great hot surge that filled his mouth, Sam was in ecstasy. That taste, that erotic taste, different from Tony's, yet just as wonderful. He got only a mouthful while wishing for a gallon. It wasn't enough, he thought, would it ever be enough?

They were on the floor naked when Tony came through the door. Startled he looked at the tableau. Frank never raised his head off Sam's member. He was working furiously and Sam was tearing up the carpet with his fingers, at that very second in the midst of climax.

For a moment Tony felt rather sad. He could had Sam all to himself if he had only agreed to move in with him. But for how long? This would have happened anyway, eventually. When you first come out, there's a driving need for sex, it rules your life, there's nothing more important. It's only later after the craziness wears off that commitments are made. Maybe in a year or so, Sam would be ready for that. In the mean time Tony knew he would have guide him toward the good guys and away from the jerks. Show him how to play it safe, let Sam make his run with fellows like Frank and Tom, Abel, Larry and Kenny. Be his friend and lover, but not his only lover, and maybe, just maybe they would survive to become what Sam thought he wanted in the first place. Tony looked on for a moment longer and then began shedding his clothes. Get it while you can, he thought, 'cause there's sure as hell no guarantees on tomorrow.