Here are Chapters 13 and 14
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REALITY IS BUT JUST AN EXTENSION TO A DREAM
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
We both climbed into the backseat of mom's Blue Chevy Celebrity. I knew he wanted to pull me close to him and put his arms around me, and that's what I wanted too. I knew it couldn't happen, so instead he took my hand on the seat and held it tight. Two days ago had been the single greatest day of my life, and today I wasn't sure what was happening. My mother was laying in a hospital bed, and Ryan's father had suddenly come back. I knew how my mother felt about my homosexuality, it was her hatred for something I had no control over, which led her to committ the act she had. I knew deep down inside that I had nothing to do with it, but I still couldn't help but feel guilty. Like the old saying goes, when it rains it pours. I knew were all the people I cared about stood on me and Ryan's love for each other. My father and mom, I couldn't think of Ryan's mom as anything other then mom, were supportive of us, and had seemed to accept it, even if they didn't fully understand it. The only person I wasn't quite sure of was Ryan's dad, and I wasn't even sure if it really mattered. We had all run out of the house well before he could say anything else.
Mom pulled into the parking lot at Angel Falls General, and I was out the door running towards the hospital, before the engine had even died. I ran into the front room, almost knocking down an elderly man who was leaving. I gave a quick apology and continued down the hall towards the area where I knew they were keeping my mother. I saw my father sitting on a chair in the waiting room, I walked up to him and put my arms around him.
"Dad," I said, "I came as quick as I could."
He looked up at me, I could see the worry in his eyes, they were bloodshot and swollen, like he had spent most of the time crying.
"I don't know how to say this," he said, "so I'm just gonna come out and say it...it's about your mother."
"The doctor told me a few minutes ago that your mother is brain dead, we need to make a decision as to what were gonna do next. The life support systems will keep her alive as long as we need them too, but we need to decide when were gonna have to let go..."
I couldn't hold the tears back, and I wouldn't have even if I could. I feel to the floor, racked with the sobs coming from my body. I felt weak, lost, a kaliedescope of mixed emotions. I hated my mom at that moment, I know that sounds cruel, but I hated her for resorting to this, 'cause she couldn't accept I was in love with Ryan. I hated myself for succoming to an emotion I couldn't control. I knew I could never love a female, the way I loved Ryan. Ryan was the first one there to pick my off the floor, he stroked my hair as I buried my head in his chest. He didn't say anything, like all the superficial things people say, when someone they know is dying.
Instead he said a million things without saying one single word.
"Dad," I said, "would it be all right if I said goodbye alone."
He shook his head, and we walked hand in hand towards my mother's room.
I pulled the chair up next to her bed and took her hand. She looked like she was sleeping, with the exception of all the wires attached to her helping to keep her alive.
"Mom," I said, "I am so angry right now. Why couldn't you just accept the fact that I love Ryan. I realize you think it's wrong, but why did you have to go and do what you did? I'm still the same boy you've loved all your life, nothing you did or could ever do made me turn out this way. It isn't a decison I made at the spur of the moment. I think I have loved Ryan since the first time I saw him in the second grade. Even when we were in the fight, I knew he was gonna be my best friend, it was just something about the way he looked at me. I wish you could have learned to accept it, and we would have all been happy."
The tears were streaming down my face. It was hard for me to say what I had to say, but I knew it was something I had to do. I knew she probably couldn't hear me, but I was hoping deep down that even if she couldn't hear the words I was saying, that maybe she could hear the words my heart was saying.
"The happiest day of my life was the day Ryan finally told me he loved me. It was better then the forth of July, Christmas, and my birthday all rolled into one. I thought nothing could ever get better then that. I wanted so much for you to accept us, and love us both unconditionally. I was scared to tell you, but I never thought you would stop loving me. Yes, I feel as if you stopped loving me, because if you truly loved me, you would not have been able to do what you did. What kind of pills did you take? Did you think it was something you did that made me gay? No, mom, I have alway been gay and even if I had never told you, I still would have been gay, and probably very unhappy. I found a person to love and shouldn't that have made you happy, instead of me pretending to like a girl and being miserable.
I can't change the facts of what I am, and I want you to know and realize I will always love you, but I also love Ryan, and no matter what I will never stop. I can't."
I stood up from the chair, kissed the top of her forehead, "I'll miss you, goodbye mom," I opened the door and walked out into the hall. I walked about three steps from the door, when everything started to go black and the world started spinning under my eyes, and the last thing I saw was the floor coming up to meet me.
He was sleeping, but I could see in his face it wasn't a peaceful sleep. I could see the pain in the way his eyes moved, the fear of what being gay in a straight society was gonna put him through. I knew the live we were destined to lead wasn't gonna be easy on either one of us. I knew there was gonna be some people out there who couldn't accept us for who we were, but I had never expected anything like this. I had been sitting next to his bed, holding his hand for over three hours now. I leaned over and kissed the top of his forehead, when I saw him stirring and coming to life.
"Kyle," I said, "are you okay."
"I'm thirsty," he said.
I got him a glass of water and held it to his lips well he took a drink. It was quiet for a moment, when he looked at me and said, "She's gone."
I just nodded my head, "They pulled the plug right after you left the room."
"Do you think it's wrong?" he asked. "
"Do I think what is wrong?" I asked. I knew what he was asking, but I had to hear him say it.
"Our love," he said, "do you think it's wrong?"
"No," I said, "nothing that feels this perfect can ever be wrong. It would be wrong for me to pretend that I didn't love you like I do, because it's what society expects."
"Maybe society is right," he said, "maybe my love for you is wrong. maybe it's one of the trials and tribulations we all have to go through to prove our strength, and in the end everything turns out great."
I stroked his black hair, running my hands down the sides of his face. "I love you," I said, "and if it's a trial or tribulation I have to go through, then I don't care. I don't know what tommorrow is gonna bring, but I do know that you make me whole. without you I would only be half a person."
I never expected him to say what he said next. No I'm lying I did expect it, sort of, but wasn't truly prepared for it. He turned towards me, the tears streaming down his face.
"Our love killed my mother," he said.
"No, Kyle," I said, "ignorance and things people taught your mother about homosexuality killed your mother. She was brought up to believe that homosexuality is a sin in God's eyes. I feel partly responsible for what happened. I know you didn't want to tell her, but you tell me you would have been just as happy living a lie?"
He didnt say anything, but then he didn't have to since I already knew the answer. We just sat there quietly thinking about what else our love was gonna bring our way.
"I'm not happy right now, " he said, "can I be alone for a few minutes."
I didn't want to leave him, but I kissed his forehead and walked out the door. * * * * * * * *
I knew Ryan was right. I knew I wouldn't have been happy living a lie, I knew it wasn't my fault my mother couldn't accept me for who I was. I knew it wasn't her fault or anybody's for that matter. I quess I drifted off to sleep again, cause the next thing I remember was the sun shining through the curtains straight into my eyes waking me up. My mouth was dry and for a moment I had forgot where I was. When my eyes had focused I remembered what had happend and the flood gates opened up again. I ain't much of crier if that's what you all think. Up until these last few days I rarely if ever showed emotion. I got up out of the bed and made my way to the restroom to relieve myself, when I saw the piece of paper sitting on top of the bedside table. There was one single word written on the outside of it. It was written in my mother's writing.
All it said was, Kyle.
I took it in my hand, laid back down on the bed and started reading.
Kyle,
I know what's going through your heart right now. I know how your are feeling. All I can say is I'm sorry, I just can't accept what your going through. Homosexuality is wrong, I know you say you were born like that, and it wasn't a decision you made, but why would God give life to people in order just to punish them in the end. I just can't accept that it's not a choice you made...
It was hard to read with the tears streaming down my face,
...or is everything I have been brought up to believe wrong. Is our whole life based on a lie. I know you don't understand right now, but I' hoping someday you will. If you are reading this letter, then I know I am gone. I'm not even sure at this point if I believe in heaven, but I can't stay around and watch the person I love most in this world, subject himself to a live of hell on earth. Please forgive me, and take care of your father. and please tell Pete that I have never stopped loving him. One more thing before I go. I hope you and Ryan are happy together.
Love for always,
Your mother.
I was just about to set the letter down when my father walked in. "I'm sorry dad," I said, "I killed mom."
He didn't say anything, he just took me in his arms and held me like he did when I was little and scared.
RYAN'S ODYSSEY
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The buzzing of the alarm clock, and I knew the day I had been dreading was finally upon me. I pulled the pillow over my head to block the rays of the morning sun shining through my window. The weatherman had said it was gonna be a beautiful day, but in my opinion it was one of the worst days ever. Kyle's mother's funeral was to be a 10:00 in the morning, and that night was the first home football game. I should have been starting with Kyle, and his parents, both of them sitting in the stands along with my mother and little sister cheering me on. I rolled out of the bed, and reluctantly made my way towards the shower. The warmth of the water did nothing to bring my spirits up. I hadn't seen Kyle since he had told me he wanted to be alone at the hospital, I had tried to call him, but his father just told me to be patient with him and give him sometime, when he refused to talk to me. I couldn't help but think that he blamed me, or even himself for what happened, and no matter how many times we tried to convience him that it wasn't his fault. Nothing we said would change his mind.
I put on my black suit, with the black tie, checked my hair in the mirror, and walked down the hall towards the kitchen. My mother and father were sitting at the table drinking coffee. I hadn't seen him since that night, and wasn't even really sure what to say to him. He stood up, walked towards me and without saying anything hugged me tight. I knew right then and there that he had accepted me for who I was, and would support me in whatever decisions I had made.
"Sit Ryan," he said, "I need to tell you something, and please don't interupt until I am done."
I poured my cup of coffee and sat down in the chair next to him.
"I am so sorry about what happened to your friends...I mean boyfriends mom," he said, "I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you and tell you I understand about your feelings for your friend..."
"Kyle," I said, "his name is Kyle."
"Kyle, yes that is right," he said, "I don't understand how you feel for Kyle, but all I want is for you to be happy, and if loving him is what makes you happy, then I will learn to accept it even though it will be hard for me. I don't expect you to think of me as much of a father, and to forgive me for what I did, but I'm just hoping that somehow or someway you can find it in your heart to at least try."
"Give me some reason to," I said, "You can't just ask me to act like you weren't there for fourteen years of my life. You can't just aske me to forget the fact you weren't there at all the father and son things, when every other kids father was. I used to lie about where you were at, when the other kids would ask. Every kid in my grade thought I had the greatest father, they believed me, when I told them you were working for the FBI, and were on a special assignment. How could I tell them you abandoned me?"
He didn't say anything, but then again, words weren't really necessary.
"Hello, who are you?"
We heard the voice behind us, and all three turned around to see me little sister, Robin standing in the doorway, wiping the sleep from her eyes. I waved her towards me, sat her down on my lap and kissed the back of her blonde hair. "Robin, I want you to meet someone," I said, "This is my dad."
"Why did you say that you didn't understand why Ryan and Kyle loved each other. Everybody knows how much they do," she said. "I love my friend, Wanda, she makes me happy."
I smiled, I knew she didn't understand what we had been talking about, she thought we just loved each other as friends, and there was nothing wrong with loving your friends. Childhood inocence, isn't it a wonderful thing.
We all piled into my mother's car. I hadn't really expected my father to go with us, since he didn't really know Kyle's family, but he insisted saying that he wanted to be there for me, at this time when I needed him most of all.
The church was packed to capacity. All of Kyle's friends had shown up, classes had been let out for the students who wished to attend the funeral. I wanted to go up front and sit next to Kyle and just let him know that I was there for him, but decided instead to sit towards the back with my mother and father. Grandma had come over to watch Robin. I was sitting there trying to keep the tears from streaking down my face, when I felt a hand touch my shoulder. Standing behind me was a man I had never seen before, and sitting next to him was another man I had never seen before. But I saw something in there eyes, it was the same look Kyle gave me, and I knew who he was.
"You must be Kyle's Uncle Pete," I said, "he talks about you all the time."
"and you must be Ryan," he said, "the boy who stole his heart."
The floodgates opened up and I cried. Not loud just silently letting the tears streak down my face. He grabbed my hand and lifted me up and said, "come you need to be with the family."
I had seen Ryan walk in, and I wanted so desperately for him to sit next to me. I knew that I could make it through anything if he was by my side, supporting me. He sat down towards the back of the church and my heart almost dropped. I knew he wasn't sure if I wanted him at that point, since I had refused to talk to him, but I just felt as if I had to come to terms with what had happened on my own. I hadn't seen Uncle Pete walk in, cause it hurt to much to turn around and look at Ryan. I know I should have been thinking about my mother, but I was still so angry at her for doing what she did. It's hard to explain, I missed her so much, but if she truly loved me, then how could she take her own life and leave me all alone. It was far worse then what Ryan's dad had did, at least there was still a chance for them. I was sitting there, people walking up to me and my dad telling us both how sorry they were. We had agreed that nobody needed to know the reason behind what had happened. It had been labeled as an accident, and that's what we had wanted everone to believe.
I felt a hand touch my shoulder and saw Uncle Pete and Ryan standing next to me. "I though he needed to be with the family," he said.
My dad stood up and grabbed Ryan into a tight hug, "I love you, Ryan," he said, "don't ever think that I blame you for what happened. I have known since you were twelve, and Kyle broke his arm that what you two felt for each other was more then friendship, even if neither of you did,"
He sat down next to me, and held onto my hand.
The funeral service was beautiful. People who knew my mother went up there and told about what she had meant to them. When it came my turn, I walked to the front of the church, grabbed the microphone and began to speak.
"I want to thank you all for coming, I never realized just how many people one life can touch. I had planned to say something, but instead I have decided to sing a song, a song I thinks say's everything there is to say about my mother, besides it was always one of her favorite songs." and through the tears streaming down my face. I began to sing, Garth Brook's "The Dance,"
Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared neath the stars above for a moment all the world was right how could I have known that you'ld ever say goodbye
and now I'm glad I didn't now the way it all would end the way it all would go our lives our better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything for a moment wasn't I a king but if I'd only know how the king would fall hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
and now I'm glad I didn't know the way it all would end the way it all would go our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance.
I sat the microphone down and walked back towards my seat. I couldn't think of a better way for me to say goodbye. I sat back down next to Ryan and he grabbed my hand and I knew everything was gonna be just fine.