***This story is a work of fiction and is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Ryan Phillippe or the personal lives of anyone mentioned.
The sun was hitting my face from the wrong side of the room. That was my first thought as I opened my eyes. For a brief moment I pondered where I was, but then I became aware of the slow, steady breathing of Ryan's chest beneath my cheek. Looking up into his sleeping face, everything came back to me in a rush.
Turning over on my stomach carefully, trying not to wake him, I placed a hand on his chest and rested my chin on it. Looking at his sleeping face, his golden hair shining in the sunlight, his lips parted ever so slightly as he breathed softly in and out, I was overcome with several emotions.
The first were disbelief and amazement. It wasn't a dream, I really was lying in bed with Ryan Phillippe after a night of passion! Then came guilt. I had never before in my life slept with someone I'd just met. It just wasn't who I was. Yet I'd only known Ryan for a few hours before I'd come home with him. Maybe, I told myself, it was because I'd seen his movies and read his interviews, so in a way I did know him.
Mostly, though, I felt a rush of love for this beautiful man I was looking at. Love and the underlying fear that once he woke up, I'd find out it had meant no more to him than a night of sexual gratification and I'd never see him again.
Ryan opened his eyes slowly and looked straight into mine. For a moment the crystal blue eyes looked confused, but then he smiled.
"Good Morning," he yawned, stretching his arms above his head. I smiled back, liking the way his curly blonde hair was sticking up in cute little patches.
"Cat got your tongue?" Ryan flashed that devilish little grin at me. I sat up and leaned towards him.
"No, but you do," I said, leaning in for a kiss. Ryan wrapped both arms around me while our tongues met in our first kiss of the day.
When we finally pulled apart Ryan kept his arms around me, our faces almost touching. "You look pretty cute in the morning," he laughed, his eyes sparkling. "Your not half bad yourself," I smiled. Ryan pulled away and got out of bed to stretch again. I admired his naked body in the sunlight, every inch of it toned to perfection.
"See something you like?" he laughed.
"Oh, several things," I smiled. Then I felt my face grow serious, almost of it's own will. Ryan's face almost instantly copied mine, looking suddenly uncertain and nervous.
"What now, Ryan?" I asked softly, afraid to hear the answer. Ryan smiled again, but this time it didn't extend to his eyes, which continued to look uncertain. He sat down on the edge of the bed and put a hand on my leg, which was still covered by the blanket.
"How about some breakfast? I can whip up just about anything you like?" Ryan asked, running his hand up towards my thigh. "Or, we can skip breakfast and just stay in bed all day," he said as he slipped his hand under the blanket and found the hard on he was causing.
For a moment I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of his warm, strong hand caressing me. I moaned slightly, feeling tiny shivers run up and down my body. But then I forced myself to reach down and gently remove his hand.
"No, Ryan, you know what I meant. As much as I want to spend the day making love with you, I have to know where I stand," I said, looking into his eyes.
"Well, you can stand right over there by the closet and I'll...." Ryan stopped his attempt at a joke, looking at my pained face. "What do you want, man? We don't even really know each other all that well," he said, pulling away and standing up. He went over to the dresser and pulled a pair of silk boxers out of the top drawer, sliding them up over his legs and covering himself.
"Ryan, I'm not suggesting we move in together and live happily ever after. All I want to know is that this is going to be more than a one night thing for you. Is it?" I asked, looking down at the floor, terrified to hear the answer. Part of my brain was screaming at me for giving up the chance to be with Ryan at least one more time, but I knew that I had to find out what he was feeling.
"I don't know," Ryan finally said. His back was towards me as he looked out the window. The silence grew between us, each waiting for the other to say something. I finally got out of the bed and walked towards him, placing my hands on his shoulders.
"Okay. I'm not asking for a lifetime commitment here Ryan. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the latest in a long line of one time things," I said softly, massaging his shoulders gently. Ryan sighed and leaned backwards, his head resting on my shoulder as we both looked out the window at the large swimming pool that took up most of his back yard.
"I don't know what you are Seth. There hasn't been a long line of anyone, though. I've had relationships with guys in the past. But in the last couple of years I've had to be too careful. I've only been seeing women that my agent sets me up with. Like Reese. Then last night, there you were. I wanted to be with you. But I don't know what that means yet," Ryan said.
"It's okay, Ryan. I can deal with whatever it is that we have going on, as long as it's not one sided," I smiled, nibbling on his earlobe. Ryan turned around to face me and we began to kiss again. I ran my hand down his chest and into his boxers, caressing his cock slowly. Ryan did the same, returning his hand to my own cock.
We stood there in the sunlight, kissing and touching each other, for several minutes. Then, my eyes caught sight of the bedside clock and I pulled away suddenly, leaving Ryan standing with a stunned look on his face.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Oh God. Ryan it's past noon already!" I exclaimed, frantically looking about for my clothes before I recalled they were in the living room. I headed for the door, a confused Ryan right behind me.
"So? I thought we were going to spend the day in bed?" Ryan asked as we entered the living room. I sat down quickly on the couch, reaching for my clothes.
"I'm sorry Ryan. I'm late for work. I was supposed to be at the studio three hours ago. We tape today," I said.
"Oh. Okay, I'll get some clothes on and drive you," Ryan said, obviously disappointed. I looked up at him and smiled. "Thank you. We'll have to continue with this later on," I said, gesturing towards the tent in his boxers.
We were soon fully dressed and driving towards the studio where the show I wrote for taped. There was an odd silence between us, neither sure what to say. Finally, just before we reached the studio, I turned to Ryan.
"When will I see you again?" I asked.
"I'm not sure. I have to go to a premiere tonight with Reese. Then the day after tomorrow..........." Ryan let his words trail off, staring at the road. I continued to look at him, waiting for him to finish.
Before he did, we pulled up to the studio gates. I leaned forward over Ryan and said hello to Sam, the guard.
"Afternoon, Mr. Barnes. Who's your friend?" Sam asked politely.
"He's just giving me a ride, Sam. He won't be staying on the lot," I explained. No one was allowed into the studio unless their name was on Sam's list, which Ryan's obviously wasn't.
"Sorry, Mr. Barnes. He'll have to let you out here. I can't let him in," Sam said apologetically. I nodded and pulled back into my own seat. Sam stepped away from the car and I turned towards Ryan.
"Well, I guess this is it. What were you saying about the day after tomorrow?" I asked. Ryan's blue eyes looked sad as he quickly glanced around and gave me a short kiss on the mouth.
"I'm leaving for New York the day after tomorrow," he said.
"For how long?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. I felt like I was losing him already.
"Eight weeks. It's a location shoot for my next movie," Ryan said. I sighed and leaned back in my seat, not sure what to say. Ryan finally put his hand over mine and gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Don't worry about it now. Can you get time off tomorrow?" he asked. I nodded. The day after taping was always a day off for the cast and the rest of the behind the scenes people on the show.
"Good. Give me your number and I'll call you later on tonight. We'll make plans for tomorrow," Ryan said. A car pulled in behind Ryan's and began to honk. Sam came back out of his booth and stared into Ryan's Jaguar, obviously waiting for me to get out and stop holding up the studio traffic. I quickly wrote my number down on a napkin that had found it's way into my pocket from the club we'd been to the night before. I didn't dare kiss Ryan good-bye, not with Sam so close at hand. All I could do was smile as I stepped out of the car. Ryan mouthed the words 'I'll call you' and then was gone, leaving me standing at the gates to the studio, already three and a half hours late on taping day, the one day when being late just wasn't tolerable.
The next several hours were a blur. Both the director and the executive producer went off on me several times about being late and about my 'lack of commitment' to my job. Even though the show had several writers, each of us was responsible for certain scenes and had to be on hand for the taping in case something went wrong and needed to be changed.
"There are dozens of writers pouring into this city as we speak. Hell, probably hundreds! Anyone one of them would jump at the chance you have. And how do you treat your big break? You waltz in here with half the day already gone!" the Executive Producer barked at me for about the third time that day. I had already apologized profusely, but I was beginning to get irritated. I'd been nothing but professional up to this point, but I was being treated like a repeat offender.
I continued to try and concentrate on rewriting a key scene that just wasn't working well, but it was rather difficult with everyone yelling at me every other minute.
"Don't sweat it." A voice came from behind me just as I finally thought of a way to make the scene more believable. I turned around and smiled at Scott Foley, one of the stars of the show. I wrote for 'Felicity', the show that was arguably the most talked about new show of the season. We'd even won a Golden Globe, or rather Kerri Russell, our star had. Even though the show was set in New York, it was L.A. based and all done right there at the studio.
Scott played Noel, one of Felicity's love interests. He was easily the most laid back actor on the show and always had a friendly word for everyone.
"Thanks. It's my fault, I know. But they act like I killed someone!" I shook my head.
"They'll get over it. You're one of the best writers on the show," Scott smiled.
"Flattery will get you nothing except more scenes next week," I laughed.
"Ah, that's my evil plan. By next season I want the name of the show to be 'Noel'," Scott laughed back. "So, why were you so late? Busy night?" Scott asked raising his eyebrows in an elaborate show of innocence.
I laughed, shaking my head. "Oh, I guess you could say it was busy. Anyway, I'd better get this scene written or you and Kerri will be here until three a.m. shooting it."
"Ah, so you don't kiss and tell, huh? Okay, okay. But I'll get it out of you sooner or later. She must have been something to make you that late!" Scott laughed, walking away. I was momentarily taken aback. I had never exactly advertised the fact that I was gay, but I guess I'd assumed that everyone knew. Apparently, that wasn't the case.
For the rest of the afternoon and well into the evening I tried to concentrate on my job while my thoughts continually went back to Ryan. I thought about making love with him the night before, about the look of pleasure that had crossed his face while he was cumming. I thought of the way he'd laid his head on my shoulder in the shower and the way we'd just held each other under the water.
Then, I thought about the fact that he was leaving for two months, during which time he'd probably forget all about me. What on Earth had I gotten myself into?
We finally finished taping shortly after Eleven p.m. I made my way off the set and out into the studio parking lot, where it occurred to me for the first time that I didn't have any way of getting back to my apartment. Sighing, I started to head pack into the studio to call for a taxi. The Scotts, as we called Scott Foley and Scott Speedman, were coming out the door just as I reached it.
"Hey Seth. We're done you know. No need to stick around," Scott Foley smiled. Scott Speedman, who played Ben, Felicity's other love interest, just smiled and kept walking. He was notoriously shy and didn't talk all that much until he was comfortable with someone.
"Yeah, I know. I have to call for a cab, though," I said, feeling exhausted. I felt like I hadn't slept in years, despite my slumber in Ryan's arms the night before.
"What's wrong with your car?"
"Nothing, except that it's back at my apartment," I smiled as I started to go in.
"Aha! More evidence of a wild night!" Scott laughed. "Hey, don't worry about it Seth. I'll give you a lift."
I gratefully accepted Scott's offer, but soon regretted it. All the way back to my apartment he kept trying to get the details of my 'wild night' and the 'hot mama' who'd starred in it. I kept silent, laughing at a few of his wild guesses about what had occurred.
"Okay," Scott said as we pulled into the parking garage of my building, "At least tell me this. Were there any wild animals or whipped cream involved?" I laughed along with him, shaking my head.
"No, Scott. I'm sure plenty of that goes on during your dates, but mine are a little more mellow."
"All right. But I'll get it out of you sooner or later," Scott laughed. "Thanks for the ride, Scott. I really appreciate it," I said, opening the car door.
"Ummm, do you think I could use your bathroom?" Scott asked, twisting in his seat a little. "I really have to take a leak."
"Okay. Just don't go searching for whipped cream because you won't find any," I grinned.
While Scott was in the bathroom, I played my messages. The first four were all from the studio, wondering where I was. Two were from Ashley, apologizing for leaving me in the club.
"But you were with someone, and you guys looked really intense. So, I didn't want to interrupt you," Ashley's voice rationalized over the machine. Her second message was more Ashley's style.
"Okay, Seth. We're going to have a long talk very soon. Did you get some last night?" she laughed. I shook my head, laughing. Ashley was one of a kind.
The next message was from Ryan. My heart almost stopped when I heard his sexy voice come over the machine. "Hi Seth. It's me. I just wanted to call. I know you're at work. Ummm......" he sounded uncomfortable talking to the machine. "Well, I'll talk to you later," his voice finished quickly. The final message was also from Ryan.
"Hi. It's around Eight o'clock. I'm at the premiere. Well, I guess I should say I'm in the bathroom of the theatre at the premiere," Ryan laughed. I could picture his eyes sparkling as his familiar grin crossed his face. "I'll be home sometime around midnight, I hope. We have to go to the party afterwards, but I'm going to try and cut out early. I don't know if....." His words stopped for a moment. "Well, I'll call you when I get home if it's not too late. Otherwise I'll call in the morning, okay? I....uh....I've been thinking about you all day. Bye," Ryan's words faded out and the machine informed me I had no further messages.
I stood there, one hand resting lightly on the machine as if that would bring me somehow closer to Ryan. I sighed, wondering again just what was going on between us. I was brought back to reality by Scott clearing his throat behind me. I'd completely forgotten about him.
I turned and smiled nervously, wondering just how much he'd heard. "So, all done?" I asked inanely, trying to think of what to say. Scott nodded.
"Yeah. Thanks for letting me use your bathroom," he said.
"No problem. Thanks for the ride home," I said. We both started to move towards the door. Scott stopped, one hand on the knob, and turned towards me.
"Was that the hot date? On the machine?" he asked. I stared, not sure what to say. Finally I decided to go with the truth.
"Yeah. It was," I said. Scott nodded slowly.
"That's cool. I just didn't know you were.....um...." He paused, seeming embarrassed.
"Gay?" I supplied the word. Scott smiled again, blushing a little. "Yeah. Well, enjoy tomorrow....I mean, you know, because it's your day off......not because I thought....well, I mean-" Scott stuttered on, blushing more and more.
"It's okay. I know what you meant," I laughed. I couldn't have written dialogue that sounded more like his character, Noel, when he was flustered.
After Scott left I sat down and turned on the Television but my mind was still on Ryan. What kind of relationship could we have if he was leaving so soon? My thoughts turned back towards our love making the night before and how wonderful it had felt to wake up in Ryan's arms that morning.
Almost as if echoing my thoughts, the picture on the TV screen suddenly became one of Ryan and Reese. It was a brief overview piece on the movie premiere. "One of Hollywood's hottest younger couples, Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon, dazzled the crowds this evening," a woman reporter's voice came through the TV. "The happy couple, who most recently starred together in the upcoming 'Cruel Intentions' with 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer' star Sarah Michelle Gellar, are enjoying a brief vacation before they head to New York later this week to star in their next picture together, described as an old fashioned love story." I felt a brief pain in my chest. Ryan was going away with Reese. Reese, whom he didn't love, was going to be with him for those two months, while I was still here in L.A., alone.
"Ryan, Reese. Rumor has it things are pretty serious between you two. Any wedding bells in the near future?" The reporter asked. Ryan smiled his dazzling smile. "No, not at the moment, We're just happy being in love and together," he said.
"But you never know. We love each other so much. I'm just glad we were able to get another film together so we won't have to be apart," Reese said, briefly laying her head on Ryan's shoulder and smiling sweetly.
I turned off the television and went into my room. Sitting down on the edge of my bed, I felt like crying. Why hadn't Ryan told me he was going to be with Reese? Then again, he hadn't even told me he was leaving at all until the last minute.
The ringing of the phone broke into my thoughts. Sighing, I leaned across my bed and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hi," Ryan's voice came through the phone. He sounded almost shy.
"Hi Ryan," I said, not able to keep the sadness from my voice.
"Do you want to come over now? Or wait until tomorrow? We can spend the entire day together," Ryan said.
"And then you'll be gone. For two months. With her," I said, sounding more bitter than I'd intended.
For a long moment there was silence on the other end of the phone. Then Ryan sighed.
"I don't know what you want from me Seth. I like you. I like you a lot. You make me feel so.... I don't even know a word for what you make me feel. But I have a life you know. I have commitments I have to honor. And Reese is a part of that. You knew that," Ryan said. His voice sounded sad.
I felt suddenly guilty. Ryan was right. We'd just barely met. It wasn't his fault that he had a movie to do, with Reese. Or that he had to pretend to be in love with her. "I'm sorry," I said softly. "I'm acting like an ass. It's just... Well, you mean a lot to me already and that scares me," I said.
"I know the feeling. Can you come over?" Ryan asked.
"I'll be there in half an hour," I smiled.
"Great. See you soon," Ryan said. I hung up the phone. Whatever happened, I knew I just had to go with it. Nothing is ever perfect and maybe I'd never see Ryan again once he left for New York. Or maybe I would. Right now, I'd just focus on the present, and the guy who was waiting for me, feeling things he didn't know how to describe.
To be continued (?)
***Please send any suggestions or comments to justins_boy@hotmail.com. I'd really appreciate any feedback.