Okay, I completed my little play and got myself all back on track. It wasn't easy, but I think I have sorted out everything that I needed to sort out! So, without further adieu, I give you part nine. Email me at BrwyDevil@Aol.com with any questions, comments, criticisms or ideas. The events, characterizations and plotlines in this story are fictional and exist in my mind. Some of it can be traced back into my own life and experiences but the names have been changed to protect the individuals. :) Thank you.
Running Thoughts Part Nine "Who Am I?"
A soft breeze pushed the curtains apart and let them dance freely across the air. A bright glow of the half moon silhouetted everything inside of Lance's room. A blue hue was cast over his face as he shivered in his bed. The weather had been quite odd in New York this November. The very night before it had been seventy degrees and now he was frigid. And he was suffering from insomnia.
Lance rolled over and faced the window. The curtains slowly glided back to the floor as the wind died down. He thought that the cold temperatures might put him to sleep- sometimes extreme climate shifts could do that. But instead of sleeping, he was shivering. The clock said 4:43. He hated this time... it was the crux between a good night's rest and total exhaustion for him.
He gritted his teeth and swung his legs around in front of him. He enjoyed sleeping in the nude but decided to wear boxers tonight. Lance walked over to the window as another breeze pushed the white curtains up at him.
He thought about the conversation he had just had with Joey. He knew he needed to complete the dream about Nick. He could not fall asleep for the life of him, though. It probably had something to do with overthinking. That was the mysticism behind recurring dreams. You had them when you weren't expecting them and couldn't conjure them up when you wanted them.
He leaned out the window and took in a breath. A light drizzle was beginning as a few dark clouds masked the moon above. His muscles clenched involuntarily at the cold. Lance wrapped his right arm across his chest and controlled his chattering teeth. He slowly closed the window and watched a few rain droplets patter up to the glass. He walked back to the bed and sat down.
He was trying to sort out so many thoughts. He was trying to find the words to say. Lance was never truly sure who he was. He thought he knew what he wanted and what he was capable of giving- but he was never able to figure out his deep emotions or why he felt the way he did. Humanity is an enigma all to itself.
He dropped himself back on the bed and let his eyes close. He felt his mind beginning to slowly fatigue. He felt the heat in the room slowly surround him. He saw the figure of a woman in a flash and then the hill where he always found Nick. Then the woman reappeared again but vanished after a moment. He was back in the dream, finally.
The colors seemed brighter. The yellow roses and violet tulips shimmered in the halo of sunlight. The deep green grass gave off a life of its own. Lance felt himself lift off the ground and zip through the crisp air. He was so warm. There was not a cloud in sight here. The woman flashed in again but quickly disappeared. Lance ignored this addition to the dreamscape and peered down to earth for Nick on the blanket. The light green blanket. He wasn't sure what to expect- but he had to finish this. Lance was grateful that he hadn't drifted away- sometimes he wasn't able to remember his dreams or control his actions. So far, he was on the right track.
In the distance, he saw the familiar image of Nick Carter fast asleep on the slope of the hill. He was getting nearer but his speed seemed to decrease. The brilliant sun seemed to grow brighter. He felt weaker and slowed down as he felt the grass beneath his feet. He was running towards Nick. He was running up the hill.
Out of nowhere, a sudden wind knocked him backwards and the rushing world around him came to a complete halt. Lance couldn't stand but he could still see Nick who was no longer alone now. Another figure was laying with him. Lance strained to see but he was too weak. The wind returned and cooled him down. ~I've gotten further than before- but what does it mean?~ he asked himself as he struggled to rise.
A hand appeared and pushed him back down against the ground. His eyes focussed on the woman again. She was very stolid and expressionless. The hill around them grew a little darker. She leaned close to him and whispered, "Meet your road." and vanished once again- leaving Lance in disarray.
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"Hey, it's Justin..." the voice came through the telephone. Nick shook off his surprise and woke up.
"Oh, you got the beep?"
"Yeah, sorry I took so long. Is it too late to talk?"
"No. You called Justin time..." Nick joked. They both laughed for a moment and then paused. "So how are ya?" Nick asked uncomfortably. (It wasn't the most effective icebreaker but he was nervous.)
"I'm pretty good. A little tired- but squeaky clean."
"Oh yeah?"
"I was in the shower when you beeped me."
"Oooh very nice." Nick turned on a lamp and sat up in bed. He meant that to be flirtatious but he wasn't sure if it was taken that way. There was a silence and Nick got a little more nervous.
"Trying to make me blush?" Justin finally whispered. They giggled again. It was music to their ears to hear each other happy. But they didn't know how to react to the whole situation. "So, how's your head doing?" Justin asked.
Nick thought back to how he had been slammed into the wall. It was shocking at first, but rather funny after he saw the beautiful angel in his lap. That was the type of first impression that never faded. A clumsy entrance was a meaningful entrance. Whether it means spilling a milkshake all over someone or body-slamming them into a concrete wall, it was certainly meant to be. "My head? It's still attached..." he smiled. "Ummm... I just want you to know that I really admire your music."
Nick could tell that Justin had smiled. It was the type of pause in a conversation that indicated emotion. That was the best thing about smiling- it was noticeable. They were both young superstars but that did not stop them from complimenting each other's abilities.
"Thank you. It's my whole life." Justin said, "I really like some of your work too."
"Well, I wouldn't call it work. It's what I love to do!"
"I know. Music is my passion. Do you do anything else for fun? " Justin eased his way through the initial awkwardness of speaking.
"I jog." Nick sighed. "But that's just to relax... The rest of my free time is pretty much spent with the band."
"But you weren't always in a band."
"No, I guess I had a childhood." He smiled.
"Well tell me everything. Tell me who you are."
"Why are you so interested?" Nick paused.
"Oh..." Justin was obviously apprehensive about continuing. "I just thought it would be nice to... to get to know each other."
Nick silently breathed easily. He liked the way that sounded. Maybe he could have some hope in the two of them after all. "I'd like that."
"Then let's start with you... Tell me everything." he said slowly.
"I don't think I'll get everything out in one phone call."
"I'm willing to be patient." Justin laid down on the bed.
"Where do you want me to start?"
Justin thought for a moment and pulled his robe tighter around him. There were a lot of questions but he wasn't sure where to begin. He could keep it simple or he could get overly intellectual. What would be the best way to initiate first contact?
"What's your favorite color?" Justin laughed.
"That's a safe place to go!"
"Well, I am nervous!" the laugh continued.
"You are?" Nick asked and the laughing stopped. There was another pause.
"Sure."
"Why?"
"I don't want to say anything stupid to you, Nick." Justin slowed down. Nick was so glad to hear his name from Justin. It sounded perfect. It sounded sweet.
"You won't sound stupid. Trust me."
"I can trust you, right?" Justin asked. "I don't deserve to get burned again."
Nick raised his eyebrows and adjusted the phone to his other ear. "That sounds like a story I should hear."
"Lost love stories... we al have them. I wouldn't consider it very interesting." Justin breathed quickly. "Besides, we're talking about you now."
"I've never been in love."
"No?" Justin seemed surprised. "Well... you will know when you find love. It's magical. And when it is meant to be, you will go through hell and highwater to be together in the end. Even pain and separation..."
"So you are waiting for the return of your lost love..." Nick tried to sound unaffected by this. He knew that Justin could be involved with someone. He just didn't want to think about it.
"No. I do not think my ex is coming back."
"Who would leave you?"
Justin avoided the question. "My advice is to never rush into anything. You will only get hurt in the end. Start slow. Talk slow. Learn slow. And love will find you."
"You're right. I think I know that now." Nick said.
"Don't do anything unless you know you're ready."
"Were you ready?"
"I was young and lonely and excited..." Justin's voice got a little more intense. "I guess no one is totally prepared. That's why love is so powerful. But I will tell you this, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Even after the pain."
"You seem to know what you are talking about."
"Sometimes."
There was another long sigh as both boys took in the rampant words. They were learning about each other. It was only bits and pieces now, but that didn't matter. Eventually they would learn more. The cravings for knowledge grew.
"Black," Nick whispered. "I like the color black."
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The sun was just peeking its way over the horizon when the BackStreet Boys arrived at Madison Square Garden for their rehearsal with N'Sync. They were each holding a cup of liquid to keep themselves awake. Coffee, tea, juice or water. It had been a restful night, but now they were all going to have to work very hard. They just hoped they had the energy. It had taken them over a half hour to get Nick out of bed. They thought they were going to be late but there was no sign of anyone else there yet.
Jack took off his sunglasses and rubbed his hands together. There had been a freezing rain the night before and the whole city seemed quite frigid in the morning. He was not used to this weather.
"I think we can go inside, boys. The others will be here soon." he called out down the desolate early morning street. The BackStreet Boys nodded and slowly filed towards the Garden.
"Hey, Nick- you went to your room early last night. Why are you so tired?" Kevin asked softly as they entered the large vestibule.
"I had a late night phone call. I only got about an hour of sleep!"
"Only an hour? Is everything okay? Who did you have to talk to?"
Nick yawned loudly and turned towards Kevin. "Don't worry about it. I'll be fine as soon as I get to sit down."
"It's gonna be one of those days." Kevin said to himself as they walked onto the arena stage.
The place was immense but they were used to having a huge crowd. It was very fulfilling to know that they had a large following. Howie walked behind Brian across the stage and intentionally stepped on his boyfriend's heels.
"Stop that..." Brian whispered and grinned.
"Stop what?" he flirted back.
"Okay. N'Sync is starting the concert tonight and you will be showing up as surprise guests after they finish their new song." Jack read from his papers. "You're all going to sing something together and when they get here we'll see what we can work out."
Kevin mumbled something under his breath and sipped his coffee. He wasn't opposed to working with another band but he was definitely not a morning person. The stress of putting together a last minute show on top of getting little sleep was wearing his nerves down. He was also curious in what Nick had been up to all last night.
"I suggest you practice the dance steps until everyone arrives." Jack mentioned. "Get those moves in shape... I have to talk to some managers involving salary."
"About that, Jack..." AJ stepped up. "I think we could try to convince N'Sync to donate the money to some sort of charity organizations so that there is no dispute in how much we all get."
"That's very noble. I'll see what I can do. Now get to work!"
There was nearly a unison of groans from all five guys. They were quite exhausted. Howie and Brian were able to wake each other up successfully but even they had spent the most of their energy. Nick laid on the stage and covered his face with his right arm. Getting an entire concert reorganized and rehearsed in a single day was not going to be easy. It hardly seemed necessary but perhaps it would all be worth it. By tomorrow, they would know.
The stage door suddenly opened and N'Sync found their way inside. A security guard locked the doors behind them. There was silence as they made their way downstage. A few nods of recognition and brief greetings were exchanged in an echo around the acoustically designed hall.
Justin was obviously looking for something as he peeked his head inside the Garden. He was wearing his favorite black jeans and boots with a tight baby blue shirt. He was attempting to look as appealing as possible. And it was working. His eyes spotted Nick laying on the front of the stage. He felt a smile on his face and he looked at his reflection in the glass door before walking all the way in.
He felt a few butterflies galavanting around in his stomach. The two of them had spent hours talking over the phone last night but they hadn't seen each other since their very first encounter. The emotions were only getting stronger as their bonds grew. He snuck across the black floor and stood over Nick's exhausted body. He found that he was short of breath. Just watching Nick seemed to captivate him.
"Just step on him!" AJ called over to Justin. "That'll get him up!"
Justin smiled and nodded. It wasn't his intention to wake the boy. He knew he would have to but it seemed like a shame. He slowly kneeled down close to Nick and thought about the best way to stir his sleeping star.
He slowly began humming softly to Nick and smiled down. His arm moved away from his face and Nick found the eyes of Justin right above him. "Is that to wake me up?" he asked.
Justin continued humming and nodded. "Well, you're going to soothe me back to sleep..." Nick slowly sat up and brushed his hand through his hair. "How are you today?" He asked and let his eyes wander over the wonderful wardrobe Justin owned.
"I am a little tired... But I think this is going to be fun."
"I didn't mean to keep you on the phone so late. I just liked talking." Nick smoothed out his shirt and tried to look as good as Justin did.
"I like it too. And I hope its not the last time we get to talk."
Nick was glad to hear that. He had been so nervous over the phone- he thought he had come off like a blithering idiot. "Sure, we can talk tonight if you want, after the show."
"We could do that... or if you aren't busy, we can get something to eat, maybe?" Justin looked down to the floor. He didn't want to be rejected eye to eye. They both worked with such great chemistry, but that didn't mean anything as far as being a couple was concerned yet. So far, they looked cute together. It was very sweet to view from afar- or at least Lance thought so.
He was standing in the audience bleachers and stretching his legs. Kevin came walking up to him and he followed his vision across the room to where Nick and Justin were standing.
"Is there something going on up there I should know about?" Kevin whispered. Lance turned quickly and clutched his chest. He smiled his wide smile and shook his head.
"You scared me..." he chuckled.
"Sorry. I just saw you up here... I didn't know if I was supposed to talk to the competition or not."
"Is that how you see us? Competitors?"
"There could be worse analogies." Kevin stretched next to Lance.
"There could be better ones. Besides, there's no reason to be so adversarial with us. It's all music... We all have messages. Sometimes it is the same message."
Kevin stopped for a moment and thought. He turned back towards Lance and smiled. "You have a point. We can always be friends. Let's just not discuss work!" he laughed. His eyes drifted back to the stage where Nick and Justin were laughing together. He was still curious about Nick. It was very good to see him happy, though. "Nick was so tired this morning. It looks like he got his second wind."
"Those two were up all night... You'd think they'd be sick of each other by now." Lance cracked his knuckles.
"Justin was on the phone with Nick?" Kevin tried not to sound too surprised. He saw the way they had acted the day before. It was a very quick development stage between them.
"Yes. It seems the youngsters in our group have more in common than just being the youngsters in our group."
Kevin and Lance nodded simultaneously and looked out at the two boys on stage. They sighed for their own reasons and watched the back stage door open once again. Jack reentered and snapped into action. "All right... we've got a lot of work to do!"
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"Take an hour for lunch and I'll see you back on this stage for a full runthrough with music." Jack bellowed. It was quite obvious that he had developed a major headache through the course of the morning. So far, it was going rather smoothly. The joint choreography and memorization of songs was where the ten guys fell apart. It wasn't easy to write a whole routine over the span of a few hours.
Fortunately, BackStreet Boys and N'Sync alike were getting along quite well. Nick and Justin always seemed to find a way to stand next to each other JC and AJ always found a way to avoid confrontation. Kevin and Lance came up with a lot of good ideas for the performance and no quarreling had taken place.
The lights slowly came on as everyone split apart for their lunch break. Nick and Justin continued their discussion on relationships that had begun during the staging of "Tearin' Up/Quit Playin' Games With- My Heart".
"So what happened to your ex?" Nick asked and bent down to tie his shoe.
"Nothing. Nothing happened. People just change. Last time I heard, the ex was an egotistical, selfish, unmotivated slut..." Justin smiled. The bitterness was all to present. "They completely changed. They were loved by me before they went out and destroyed themselves by conforming to whatever society saw them as."
"Women..." Nick shrugged. "Who needs 'em."
"It wasn't a woman." Justin chuckled.
Howie and Brian made their way off of the stage and into a secluded corridor behind the musicans box. They looked at each other but neither were smiling.
"Are you okay, Howie?" Brian asked. "You've been acting wierd since last night."
"I'm fine." he answered quickly. "I have a lot on my mind."
"Good. That's what I'm here for." Brian took Howie's hand. "Tell me."
"Just leave it alone. I'll be fine- I just need some time to think."
"Howie, I don't want you to be upset with anything."
"Then don't worry about me."
"I worry about you every second of every day and you know that." Brian interrupted, concern in his voice.
"Then maybe that's the problem."
There were footsteps drawing nearer and both of them stepped away from each other instinctively. The sounds faded away and they resumed eye contact with each other. Howie continuously looked away.
He knew he couldn't look into Brian's eyes. The eyes told everything. Passion as well as regret. He didn't want to fight... but some arguments needed to be verbalized.
"Look, Brian... I'm just not myself. I'll be fine." he gave a fake smile. "I'm going out after the concert tonight and maybe I can sort out my thoughts then."
"Where are we going after the concert?"
"Not we, Brian. Me." he closed his eyes. "We don't have to be connected at the hip." Brian movied his head down so he could see Howie's face again.
"Connected at the hip? What do you mean?"
"We do everything together. I need some time apart from it- just time on my own..." he quickly ended that sentence and started the next one, "Not apart from us- just me by myself."
"Are you getting bored or something?"
"No! Stop jumping to conclusions... All we do is see each other and the rest of the band. I miss the world."
"What's the matter with seeing each other a lot?" Brian lowered his voice. "We love each other."
Howie was silent. He avoided looking at Brian. He didn't know what was going through his mind. A loud screech emanated from the speakers as the musicians did a sound check. Howie and Brian jumped at the sudden noise.
"I'm going out after the show tonight, Bri. You can go some place too. Maybe it will do us both some good." Howie gripped his lover's hand and walked away.
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Okay, it was a little longer than some of the others. I wanted to add one more section here but this seemed like enough for one installment. The next one will pick up where this one leaves off. Send all comments and what not to BrwyDevil@Aol.com. I do so love mail. :) Kevin