Back at last! Now that school is starting up again, you will all be grateful to know that during each of my classes I will do my very best to write new chapters to send to you as soon as possible and new segments to those who requested I send them right to your mail! What else am I supposed to do in at school! This summer has been hectic and quite a ride but everything should settle down now.
This chapter picks up where the last one left off. Refresh your memories if you have to! :) Any and all events and subjects herein are fictional and contain no basis in reality. That we know of. Enjoy! And contact me for any reason at BrwyDevil@AOL.com.Kev.
Running Thoughts Part Twenty-Three: "With One Look"
Lecture #4
An internal faculty that comes inside the head of any person who desires is a little something called hope. Its a positive reinforcer that puts doubt to rest and uplifts the spirits of those who worry.
Hoping can be a very small thing. You can hope the sun will shine in the morning or you can hope the bus arrives on time. Those hopes are generic and fit with your present mindset. They give you humanity.
But hoping can also be a goal that exists on the same level as dreaming. You can hope that love will last forever. You can hope for peace on earth.
The thing that most people don't realize about hoping is that its not really connected to any kind of magic. If you want to hope for something, you are going to have to work on achieving it. In great ways and in minute ways.
Putting your mind to something and really setting yourself toward the final result you deserve will increase your chances of receiving it. At least that is what I hope.
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The last page of a letter is always the saddest to read. You see the end of the page coming, but you know you don't want to finish it. You keep saying to yourself, "If only there was more to see and more to ponder about". But the end is the end. Nick, sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the door, finished reading Justin's handwriting and stared at the tiny bit of blank white page beneath his signature that he wished was filled with more loving words and comedic anecdotes.
The knocking was soft but since Nick was sitting with his head against the door, he was immediately startled. He put his left hand behind him to steady his ascent up to open the door. On the other side was Kevin. He hadn't shaven in a few days and the stubble was growing around his perfectly formed goatee. His genuine smile was still plastered on his rather desperate face. Nick gestured to be quiet and showed Brian to be asleep on the floor.
"I'm sorry to bother you..." Kevin whispered.
"No problem- I was awake. What's going on?" Nick brought Kevin silently into the bedroom and sat down in a chair closest to the wall unit holding the TV.
"I've been walking a lot... I didn't know where to go..."
Their voices were low but Kevin still spoke with a wide range of emotions. He didn't seem distraught persay but something was definitely eating away at him. Nick's face showed his confusion and concern. "Tell me what's going on?" Nick asked, not sure if that was the right thing to say.
Kevin shook his head. "I don't know. It's a whole lot of things. I couldn't be alone anymore. I needed to be with someone. With you." He rambled softly.
"Well, I'm here for you." Nick nodded. He was glad that all of his friends were able to rely on him as a confidante. Brian had come by because he couldn't be with or without Howie. Nick never had to deal with their problems before but he knew they would blow over. He was convinced that they would. He hoped that they would. And now Kevin was there. Also upset over something. Nick was so glad that he was content with Justin- no matter how much distance was physically separating them. It gave him the strength to help his friends.
"Well, tell me what's the matter with you..."
"I think its..." He struggled for the words. "Maybe I just need to talk about this... I just feel like left out or something."
"Left out?"
"Relationship-wise. It's confusing. I'm actually thinking about getting married to that chick that our publicity managers hooked me up with for PR. The tabloids and media already think our date is set."
Nick smiled. "That whole thing was just a set up, man. You know that. Besides, its not even believable. Justin has been paired up with Britney Spears because our companies thought it would create some kind of merger. They sit them together at award shows and they barely know each other. The same goes for the woman our manager picked for you. A few photo spreads and the media has a new story." Nick shrugged. "So what's the deal? Are you just lonely or is it something more?"
"Nick, you've got someone in your life. Howie and Brian have always had each other... and now, well now AJ has someone. I guess its just a little weird for me."
They looked at each other for a few moments. Nick didn't know what he could possibly do about Kevin's depression. He had felt alone before but the only way he got over it was getting a boyfriend for himself. That might or might not be the issue for Kevin. Perhaps he just needed stronger friendships.
"I was out walking all last night... I wasn't going anywhere in particular. And it just struck me how I'm bottling my whole life up. I don't have anyone to confide in- I don't have that one friend who I can tell everything to."
Nick sort of understood the predicament. After all, he himself had been without a confidante for most of his life. Brian and Howie had been his closest friends and even they weren't told every tidbit of information that passed his mind. "It's not easy to find that person, Kev." Nick shrugged. "You know I'm here for you but only you can know if I'm the one you want taking on such an important role in your life."
Kevin closed his eyes. It was most likely quite unhealthy for him to have so much mulling through his brain without having some receptacle to vent on. Without being able to talk completely to someone about issues that required council. He made the decision then and there to get everything off his chest. Nick was a good candidate to talk to. He knew he would understand the topic that was eating away at him and he trusted him enough to keep it a secret.
Besides, if he didn't talk about it soon, he knew he would break down from the pressure he was feeling. Kevin turned his position and breathed very softly. Nick could almost see the thought process bubbling and settling. If there was a countdown to verbal eruption, the number three would have appeared on Kevin's forehead.
He was shaking with the fear that Nick's unknown reaction to the bombshell he was about to drop could alter their friendship in innumerable ways. Despite that variable, his strength was increasing. No one had ever heard this confession before. If he had created a PRO/CON list, he knew it would make more sense to just say it. 2 flashed on.
Nick remained silent still. He was guessing in the back of his mind what Kevin could be so nervous about. Nothing fully satisfied him, though. He was eager to find out- but if Kevin wasn't comfortable talking to him, he'd understand. Then Kevin turned and they made eye contact.
"I'm in love with..." Kevin's dry throat cracked, but like a bullet train, he zoomed to the end of the sentence, "AJ."
Nick's facial expression didn't change. Kevin couldn't determine what this news had created in Nick's mind. The waiting was unbearable. He took forever to actually admit this to anyone else and now he wasn't sure what to do while he waited for the response.
"Does he know?" Nick asked. Kevin took a sigh.
"No. Not at all."
"Well, you know he's with Lana now. They seem crazy about each other." Nick stood up. "How long has this been going on?"
"I don't even know..." Kevin's voice grew a tiny bit louder as his memory attempted to figure out when the whole scenario started creating itself. "I started seeing him working out a lot... then he just began appearing in my dreams."
Nick nodded. "I've never really seen AJ show any interest in guys, Kev."
"Every other boy band member seems to." Brian's voice entered the conversation. Kevin and Nick's heads snapped to the left to see Brian leaning on his elbows at the foot of the bed, with sleep slowly escaping his eyes. He had heard the whole thing. He didn't seem surprised or particularly intent on keeping his opinion to himself.
"Christ, Brian- why didn't you tell us you were up?" Kevin asked.
"I didn't want to interrupt."
Nick looked at Kevin, knowing it wasn't such a bad thing for Brian to also be a part of the little counseling session. "Kevin, it's all right. This won't leave this room."
"Yeah man." Brian's voice was still groggy. "You can trust us. Its totally confidential."
Kevin thought about it for a moment and then nodded. After all, there wasn't anything he could do about it now. He collapsed back onto the bed and put his hands over his eyes. "So... what do I do now."
Nick looked over to Brian, who spoke next.
"Kevin, let me tell you a little something about romance within a band like ours..."
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"Marcus, what are you doing here?" Justin stood up and backed away from the young man smiling at the door.
"You didn't honestly think I'd stay away forever, did you?"
Justin didn't want to think about this boy. He didn't want to wonder how long Marcus had been away- or why he had returned. He just wanted him gone.
The tall, dark-haired ex-boyfriend with piercing green eyes closed the door behind him and held his hands behind his back. "So, this is awkward, huh?"
"Marc, I'm not in the mood." Justin didn't want to sound too rude but it wasn't easy to hide. "I'm tired- and as you know, I've got enough to worry about with Chris in the other room than to deal with whatever you've brought here."
Marcus' slender face fell. "Can't I just talk to you?"
"About what?" Justin refused to make eye contact.
"Don't you want to know where I've been these past few months?"
Justin had been in love with Marcus for a little under a year- and his feelings never totally had any closure. Tiny things had erupted into big things and that was what eventually ended their relationship. Justin had been mourning his love for Marcus up until the point when he met Nick. This was the first time Marcus even reentered his thoughts. "Are you doing okay?" Justin asked softly.
"Been better. Been worse. I imagine you're well?" Marcus took a seat on an orange chair across from the couch.
"Life's been hectic."
"That's nothing new, right?" Marcus smiled a wide, perfect, white smile. "I saw you on channel 5 the other night."
"I'm sure. There's little I can do about that. Hope you changed to another station." Justin smiled a small smile. He imagined it couldn't have been easy for Marcus to get over him since he was highlighted almost everywhere. Then again, that was one of the reasons they went separate ways.
"No, you were looking good. It's just one of those things. If you're on TV, I can't turn it off. You and Ryan Phillipe... its out of my control. Must be chemical." Marcus grinned.
"So why'd you come out of the woodwork like this? Now?" Justin was direct... but genuinely curious.
"I saw Chris' strange story on the news... I was worried."
Justin knew he was going to say that. They looked into each other's eyes. Justin wanted him to leave. He wanted him to stay. He didn't know what he wanted.
"Chris will be fine."
Marcus nodded once. "And the rest of the group?"
"We'll all be fine, Marcus. I'll be fine." Justin got a glimpse of Nick in his mind and this new arrival of a figure from his past was so unwanted. "I'll tell Chris you came by..." He regretted being so curt but no more conflicting emotions were going to be tolerated. He felt some pangs in his heart while looking into the face of a love he once desired but the sweeping advances in his life kept his relationship with Marcus finished and primarily forgotten. Primarily.
"Thank you." Marcus slapped his knees and reluctantly stood up. "Hey... I've had a little bit of time to figure some things out, Jus."
"Yeah?"
"I don't know if it's something you want to hear about." Marcus moved to the door, his black shoes clapping into the cold floor.
Justin watched him nearing the exit, his hand extended towards the knob. "What is it?" He found himself asking.
Marcus spun back around. "I'm still in love with you." He said with the most passionate and serious look on his young, clean-shaven face. He looked at Justin's lips. Watching them. "I could have walked out of here without saying that but you stopped me. You asked. I need to work out our problems. I love you."
Justin's crystal clear blue eyes shut. A blanket of painful confusion shocking every nerve he had. He opened his mouth to speak but only a blaring siren was heard. Knowing he didn't make that sound himself, he opened the door to see JC moving towards him from the cafeteria.
"Joey's been in an accident." His quivering voice announced. Behind him was a group of paramedics surrounding a gurney that Joey lay motionless on. They rushed past in a tremendous circus of noise and motion, leaving JC in despair and Justin in more disarray than fifteen seconds before.
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Her voice never seemed so different. The unique and untampered girl that AJ had once thought seemed so interesting droned on about her shopping spree. His mind was not involved, though he commented every now and again. His flashes of Kevin within his memory was what his main focus dwelled upon now. He didn't know how to explain it. He ran it through several mental databanks to search within for some kind of answer. AJ was blank.
"And then this fat woman with an awful wig nearly elbowed me into a wall when I went for the Versace purses." Lana's story continued.
~She couldn't even afford Versace before me and now she's complaining that there aren't enough to go around.~ AJ thought to himself. ~I don't even know who she is anymore... One credit account and two weeks of dating a celebrity has changed her.~
The waiter made his way over to their table and picked up the empty appetizer plates in front of the two eaters. Very little of the food had been touched on AJ's plate. His appetite seemed to have run out the door with his ability to concentrate.
The colors in the vast restaurant began to grow more dull as the yellow candle in the center of the table grew dimmer. The light on Lana's face lessened greatly and her eyes became black, hollow crevices. AJ couldn't look at her for very long as she spoke.
"I mean, how hard is it to buy nice clothes? If you're going to go outside, take a moment to look in a moment!" She snorted to herself.
~Did I do this to her? Did my affect on her life change her sweet heart? Who the hell is she now? No one I'd want to sit with.~
He got thirsty. The water glass in front of his silverware looked foggy. He sipped until he could see the bottom of the glass. His breath couldn't catch up with him. He thought Lana might have somehow been stealing his air to fuel her endless self involved story.
AJ just wanted to leave now. He wanted to talk to Kevin, he thought. Or maybe he wanted to find some way to talk to himself and decipher the thought processes he was struggling through. Either way, he couldn't sit with Lana anymore. He couldn't sit with whomever she had become.
His silence had lasted long enough. He quickly stood up- not caring that he was interrupting another of his girlfriends long harsh anecdotes. She stared up at him and then her eyes darted around to the other people in the restaurant and at adjoining tables.
He found himself just looking at her, unable to speak. He didn't know if maybe he was wrong about being fed up. He didn't even really know if what the sensations within him were anger. He was crawling through his skin due to this utter confusion. He just stood there, to the right of his chair and looked at Lana whose face- darkened by the flame- showed no concern but more mortification.
AJ dropped his napkin down on the tabletop and walked out of the restaurant. Lana remained in her sit, avoiding eye contact with the other people around her.
AJ stepped outside of the bawdy establishment and rolled up his sleeves. The wind on his face and the fresh air in his lungs wiped his memory clean of what he had just done inside. It didn't matter anyway. The tension within himself at that table was enough to physically choke him. There were far too many issues rolling about in his mind and he couldn't seem to focus on anything in particular. Talking to someone would help... but he needed to be able to choose someone impartial and trusted like a confidential psychiatrist to talk to.
He started to jog- never before realizing how much energy he needed to burn off. The traffic in the city was at a standstill as he rushed past the taxi cabs he normally would have been sitting in. AJ ran back to the hotel.
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Okay... 24 is in the works as you read this and hopefully won't take as long as this did! That one is also considerably longer which is good for those who enjoy having a lot to thumb through. Or scroll through as the case may be. Send all comments, criticisms, ideas, suggestions and hellos to me, Kevin at BrwyDevil@aol.com. Thanks.