I know its been a month... I apologize for that. I won't go into every detail about what takes me so long, but I just hope I haven't lost any fans! Some stories have the ability of going on and on forever. The characters formed and plots established make for an intriguing and palpable tale. My story could be much like that. You see, I've developed everything but I do not intend on letting it mull forever. So, I'm letting you know that this will probably be the unofficial midpoint of the "Running Thoughts" series. That could change, but as I see it now, I'll have wrapped up this whole mini-novel in about 15 more chapters or so. I came here with ideas and with ambition. I hope you've liked what you've seen so far!
Now that I completed that task, I think its best that the readers just focus on the rest of what's happening and enjoy it as much as they can. I apologize for the time in between chapters... I have the next two planned out so I will hope to get them done... we shall wait till the show I am in is over and go from there! There is no truth behind my story and all the events are fictitious. Contact me for any reason at BrwyDevil@aol.com. I love mail!
P.S- See Cider House Rules if you can. John Irving is a classic writer! Cheers.
Running Thoughts Part Fifteen: "Something Was Missing"
The elevator doors opened and Joey poked his head out. The hotel was rather quiet at two in the morning. A few new arrivals wearily filled out forms and handed over credit cards at the front desk as a few late night party crowds came in and retired to their rooms.
Chris and Joey moved from the elevator over to the front desk and waited patiently for a staff member to pass by. Honestly, they didn't have to investigate the actions of their stalker by themselves. It would have been a lot easier to inform the personal security guards assigned to them and have those buff gentlemen handle it. Unfortunately for Joey, Chris didn't even trust the bodyguards.
"What are we even going to say?" Joey asked, holding his shoulders to keep out the chill that ran past him whenever the revolving door revolved.
"Well as soon as we can get to the security office, I want to see where their cameras are positioned."
"Are you hoping our hallway had a camera recording when whoever it was left the threat message?"
Chris turned to Joey, "It's worth a shot..."
"And it they don't have the cameras in our hall?"
Chris thought for a moment and shrugged his shoulders. "Then I guess we look at the elevator cameras..."
"All of them!?" Joey's voice was shocked and fatigued. His reaction, however, was not exaggerated. The Marriot hotel had many many elevators and even if each one of them contained an active log of the past hour, it would take a long time to look through them all.
"Joe- we leave for Hawaii in less than eight hours..." Chris shook his head. "I'm not going to waste my last moments in new York City staring at a playback of elevator rides."
"Then what are you going to do?"
"I'm going to ask the security men from this hotel to do it, that's what."
Joey rolled his eyes. "I'm really sure they are going to want to watch boring meaningless tapes just to satisfy your paranoia." He sarcastically replied.
Chris looked at his friend. "Its not paranoia, man. You were with me when we got the letters! I don't want to watch my back at every turn!"
"We're celebrities. We do that anyway!"
"I want this stalker stopped." Chris was quite dedicated and stood behind what he said.
A man in a red blazer stepped over to them. He had very defined cheekbones and his bright white smile was nearly contagious. His spiked hair style and buzzed sideburns framed his face perfectly and made him seem more like a model than a security guard. His name tag read, 'Luke'.
"May I help you guys?" his deep voice asked. (Now he seemed more like an operator for a phone sex chat group than a security guard).
"Yes sir." Chris spoke up. "I'm interested in looking over the surveillance feeds that lead to the thirty-sixth floor."
Luke was nodding as he eyed Joey and Chris for a moment. His expression became curious and he paused before he spoke to them. "May I ask why you would need those tapes?"
"I've been recieving threatening letters recently and the last one was delivered to my hotel room less than a half an hour ago." Chris explained. Luke seemed to understand but his reactions were often delayed and his movements were very mechanical. Fortunately he was extremely good-looking or it would have been a dull viewing.
"So... someone was is threatening you managed to get up to the 36th floor and find your own room and leave another letter?"
"That's correct." Joey sighed- obviously tired.
"This place is very busy, I'm afraid." Luke said, "There's no way we can determine which elevator stopped on your floor and without having more evidence, it would take too long to weed through the countless video information."
"So am I supposed to just forget about it?" Chris asked.
"No." Luke answered. "I recommend you remember it. But I can't allow you to disrupt our routine for a hunch and a plan."
Chris knew he had the right to see the surveilance video that the hotel had. If the police were brought onto the scene, that's one of the places they would be aloud to check. And why did Luke say that they wouldn't interrupt the routine? That was basically the whole point of Joey and Chris' visit to the lobby. It was required that they halt the operations of the hotel in order to feel safe. At least that was what he would have liked.
"What if this stalker is still in the building?" Joey finally became vocal in Chris' defense.
"Lock your doors." Luke grinned. "I'm sure everything will be fine. It could all be a practical joke."
"Its not a joke. We've been threatened and I think that something should be done about it..." Chris' voice was growing agitated.
"Its not within my power to release those films." Luke sighed. "but" -and there was hope- "I will go and see if I can find any shady characters in the building on the logs."
"I'd like to be there with you." Chris nodded. Luke looked at him and shook his head. There was another long pause- as if the security guard was searching for information within his head.
"Thats not possible." he finally muttered. "But I will leave video stills and descriptions here for your perusal in the morning."
Joey put his hand on Chris' shoulder and subsided a yawn. "If that's the best we can do then we should take it, man."
Chris didn't like giving up a fight- and it would have been a lot more effective if he had gotten to see the images for himself but he was all talked out. "Thank you for your time, Luke." Chris said. "I hope its not too much trouble..."
Joey led Chris back to the elevator and stepped inside. They hadn't made a huge scene but Chris had learned that his persistance wasn't the best course of action in every situation. It had the capability of working- but there was always a time when it didn't.
"There was something odd about that security guard." Chris said.
"At two in the morning, there's something odd about all of us." Joey leaned his head against the wall and shut his eyes.
When they reached the thirty sixth floor, Chris was cautious to get out. He made sure the coast was clear and then he let Joey get out first. He realized he was being overly protective- but you could never be too careful. Chris found himself looking down at his feet, probably expecting to spot more phantom manilla envelopes. Chris finally made it to his door and inserted the card key into the lock. He attempted to open the door but it was jammed shut.
He looked over at Joey and they exchanged a glance of pure puzzlement. Chris tried the key again and the door remained shut. "This is too strange." Joey whispered. "That key worked before..." There was suddenly a solo bell ringing and Chris immediately recognized it as the elevator. Someone had followed them? Someone was getting off at their floor? Chris rushed the key through the slot again but nothing worked. Even Joey was beginning to panic now. Slowly, the elevator doors parted and on the other side was... Justin Timberlake.
Joey and Chris breathed a sigh of relief. Justin noticed his two friends standing in their pajamas outside of the room looking desperately pathetic. "What are you doing?" he asked.
Chris still didn't want to tell the rest of *NSync about the possible danger they were in, so he just smiled and said, "We got locked out."
"Where were you all night?" Joey asked.
"I was out with a friend." Justin answered timidly- hiding the fact that he had just had one of the most passionate non-french kisses in the universe.
"Will you be well rested for our flight tomorrow?" Chris asked.
Justin let the elevator doors close behind him as he passed the two boys. "I think I will." he answered with glee. "What about you two?" He stopped and eyed them with a smile.
They nodded in reply and all three stood in silence in the hall. It was quite a comedic moment. Justin paused for a second and then said, "I'm going to bed." Then he turned and walked down the hallway. "Oh, by the way..."he turned around, "Your card key is upside down."
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Brian stared down at his left hand. The ring wasn't looking back up at him. He remembered how he used to feel when he felt the ring on his finger. How he used to see his own reflection in the pristine, shimmering silver band. The flawless keepsake had gone cloudy recently. Howie had given it to him. It was technically an engagement ring- despite how young they were.
Fans had often noticed the matching jewelry that they both had on their fingers, but it was innocently shrugged off each time. Those intimate details were untouchable by the public.
Brian promised himself (and Howie) that the ring would never leave its proper place on his hand. They knew the significance the tiny trinket held. Maybe its importance was overlooked by Howie now. Love loses its spark without constant reassurance. Without work.
The hotel was so quiet. He hated sitting there by himself. Being alone allowed him to think and thinking led to depression. He had watched a little television but it didn't get him anywhere. All he saw was happy couples and sitcomish solutions to difficult problems. Star Trek cheered him up for an hour, but then an infomercial about a pressure cooker took over and there was nothing left to do but lay in the dim room in silence.
He loved Howie. He may not have been the most perfect boyfriend in creation, but he knew that this treatment was unfair. Howie was throwing everything away. He didn't care,either. Brian did not want to lose his lover. He'd rather discard his fame and fortune than lose this love. It was getting too hard to maintain,though... for both of them.
Howie was neglecting their relationship and Brian was getting angry. The overemotional and ultrasensitive atmosphere was ready to explode.
Brian leaned up in the fluffy chair and leafed through the CD case he had brought with him. A bright red disc with a flowered design caught his attention and he inserted it into the player. He selected "random play"and let the music enter the room.
When I look at you
What I always see
Is the face of someone else
Who once belonged to me
Still I can hear him laugh,
And even though that melody plays on,
He's gone.
When I look at you
He is standing there.
I can almost breathe him in
Like summer in the air.
Why do you smile his smile?
That heaven I'd forgotten eases through
In you.
If you could look at me once more
With all the love you felt before
If you and I could disappear into the past
And find that love we knew,
I'd never take my eyes away from you!
Brian gritted his teeth. Any other song could have played. Was it always the most debilitating ballad that had to affect him? A song about remaining in love with someone who's changed... It hit too close to home. Far too close.
Oh you were once that someone
Who I followed like a star
Then suddenly you changed
And now I don't know who you are...
Or could it be that I never really
knew you from the start.
Did I create a dream?
Was he a fantasy?
Even a memory is paradise for all the fools like me
Now remembering is all that I can do.
Because I miss him so...
when I look at you.
Brian felt someone staring at him so he instantly turned around towards the door. Howie stood in the hallway with the cardkey in his hand. Brian didn't know how long he had been standing there, but he composed himself and shut off the music.
Howie just stood there, a perplexed expression plastered on his face. Brian stared right back. There was no reason for him to make the first move. The silence turned from depressing to deafening.
Howie knew he had to do something. He hadn't seen Brian for quite some time. Ever since he ran from the hotel on Christmas morning. He had done a lot of thinking but come to few conclusions. The major change he knew he needed to initialize was his attitude towards his relationship with Brian. He had a lot of growing up to do. He wanted to start right then but he wasn't sure how he could do that.
He finally decided to quit being a statue and he entered the room. He shut the door behind him and turned back to Brian. Their eyes were piercing into each other. They could still see intense passion behind the stolid exterior. At least that hadn't dissolve. There's no turning back when vigor and strength dissipate. Perhaps there was still hope left.
Howie's steps were deliberately slow- though he had no clue why he was being so stealthy. Was he nervous? Was he unsure what to let happen next? He didn't even know if he knew. Finally, he was face to face with Brian. No words had been spoken. Their faces were devoid of any form of intention or desire. Suddenly, without warning, Howie cocked his head slightly and kissed Brian with more force and energy than he ever had done before.
The feelings that Brian was trying to hide let loose as he passionately kissed Howie back. He wasn't sure if this was happening as an apology- or as a goodbye. Brian never felt so glad to feel the warmth of Howie's tongue dancing with his own. They finally separated and breathed heavily. The softness of their lips yearned for each other.
Howie was searching Brian's face for some indication of this actions affect. Was kissing him the right thing to do?
"Should I beg for forgiveness now?" Howie whispered.
Brian wanted to smile but he just looked deeply into the face before him. The face he had watched sleeping and singing and smiling and soaring. The eyes he could lose himself in forever. The man he knew he wanted to be with.
"That would be appropriate." he answered. He wasn't entirely kidding.
"I don't even know where I'm supposed to start."
"How about you tell me where you've been."
Howie nodded and ran his hand up Brian's left arm. It was as if he was grasping for energy from his friend and lover. "I had a strange dream on Christmas Eve..." Howie said. "I don't know... I don't know how to explain it." He was trying to speak but dreams such as his had a way of fading after time. "I just saw what I was doing and how I was acting and I knew I had to stop- one way or another."
"Sounds like a revelation."
Howie nodded enthusiastically as if Brian had just found the words for him. "Yes- I'd say that."
"And where did you go after this... dream?" Brian wanted to know what Howie had been up to.
"That will take some explaining- but lets just say that the old me ran away and a new one came back."
"I was worried about you." Brian studied his boyfriend's face and suppressed the happiness in his voice.
"I know. I know you were. I should never have put you through this. I feel so horrible about it."
Brian let his emotional barricade crack a little as he smiled. "I'm glad you've realized what you did..."
They formed a tight embrace again and listened to each other breathe. There was still much that needed to be said. It was usually so much easier to plan this kind of conversation before it happened. As a matter of fact, Brian often did plan his thoughts before he spoke- but the kiss had thrown him off balance. He didn't argue, of course... but there did seem to be another force at work between them. An uncomfortable entity. An artificiality.
Was Brian just overthinking this? Was he second guessing his heart? He was beginning to lose focus over everything he trusted? Howie felt right at home in Brian's strong arms but he also felt the reluctance between them. After a moment, he pulled himself away and looked back into Brian's eyes. "I do love you, despite this curve I took..."
Brian didn't respond right away. He let his heart beat with energetic joy but the odd sparks fused into Howie grabbed his attention. He allowed himself to nod after a moment.
"I'm gonna go wash up and then we can talk, okay mister?" Howie kissed Brian's cheek and headed to the bathroom. Brian sat down and watched the door close slowly. The bleak dimness returned. The magic he felt became shadowed. He had caught a glimpse of Howie's hand after they had parted. He didn't want to overreact but he saw something that chilled him to the bone for no good reason and made his chest cavity sink. It would have been overlooked if the sentiment wasn't so special. The matching ring that went with Brian's was no longer on Howie's finger.
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Dear Justin,
I know, I know. Now I'm writing letters to you and taking over your free time! Did you get rid of me? And now I have the ability to annoy you with the written word. Its kind of a graduation for me. I can't promise that I'll have anything vital to say, but I missed you too much to just think about you. This form of communication gets my thoughts down and lets me praise you endlessly. And on top of that, you get my feelings in writing. That's usable in a court of law if I ever get on your nerves and you need a restraining order.
I hope your trip to Hawaii is enjoyable and you didn't dance with too many tropical floozies. I'm the jealous type. Maybe I shouldn't be too forward, huh? I mean we haven't formalized any type of relationship. We've only discussed the fact that we're both able to commit to same sex pairings. I'm probably just presumptuous. After all, according to seventeen magazine, we're able to get anyone we want! What are the odds of wanting each other, right?
Nick looked down at his handwriting. He had been staring at the same paragraphs for nearly an hour. He didn't know what came next. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to keep what he had there. He loved erasable pens.
This was all so new to him. That kiss outside of the hotel had actually electrified him. The intensity of their lips simply pressing into each other sent a current from his heart all throughout his nerve endings. Just thinking about Justin made him smile from ear to ear. He only wanted to know if those passionate emotions were reciprocated. If Justin did not feel the same way, he knew he would be fine. After all, there are no expectations in falling for someone.
You could be foolish and fall apart because that person doesn't want you as well, or you could accept the circumstance and let it go. Never wait for guarantees. Nick knew that...He just hoped beyond hope that Justin could see things the same way he did.
The paper before him looked blurry. He flung the pen over his head and heard it "thud" lightly on the pillow. He shut his eyes and rubbed his temples. It wasn't difficult to write, it was just difficult to phrase. He wanted perfection and he couldn't determine if he was getting there or not.
It felt good to be home, though. The relaxation from the holidays had been heavensent. He didn't mind that it was only temporary. After all, his music career took priority over everything. It had to. The success of the BSB wasn't anything to be taken for granted. He loved being on the road and visiting his fans. Being home was just pleasant after a monotonous journey. And he would be all too happy to leave when his time was up.
The smells of his mother's cooking penetrated his room and danced around. That was something he had missed. He had experienced enough fast food joints and diners across the U.S.A. but nothing seemed as specially prepared as his home cooked meals. They weren't always perfect, but they seemed it, especially since he hadn't had them in a long time.
I don't want to get into too much heavy drama regarding the future. We are both young and we're both able to get what we want with patience... Our concert together was probably my favorite experience with the group.
Our voices together just seemed so blended and polished. We are used to singing with our own bands but it was obvious that we're an even stronger force when we mesh and overlap... I'm not suggesting we become the *NSync Boys or BackSync or some intermingling of the two... but I did see a great strength in us all... I'll stop rambling some time soon, I promise.
Nick had gotten into the next segment so intensely that he didn't hear his phone ringing. After about four rings, his mother picked it up downstairs. There was a shuffling of feet and Nick's door slowly opened. _______Carter smiled and said, "The phone's for you..."
Nick looked up. His eyes were unfocused and he looked very connected to the loose leaf in front of him. "Oh...Oh thanks ma." He leaned over and picked up the reciever."Hello?" >Did you miss me?
It was Justin. Nick instantly grinned from ear to ear and his body felt weak. "Of course I did...how'd you get my home number?" >I called Jack. He had given me your manager's office and for some reason the cell phone you gave me wasn't getting through so I asked politely for your home digits.
"Its a good thing Jack knows he can trust you." >He can? I just thought I was extremely persuasive.
"You probably are, dear."
They both smiled- and there was no need to speak for a moment. Just being in contact was enough for them. Nick suddenly realized. "Wait a minute- aren't you on a plane right now?" >Yeah. Heading to Hawaii...
"Isn't that call expensive?" >Eh... you're worth it. I think.
"I'm glad you called." Nick shut his eyes and sighed. >I couldn't wait another second. As soon as we land, I'll be so bogged down, I don't know when I'll get time to breathe and contact you.
"Don't worry about it, Jus. I'll think about you enough for both of us... And I'll be beeping you every five minutes." >Do me a favor?
"Name it." >Make it every four minutes.
Nick giggled and felt his heart flutter. No one else had given him the feeling of butterflies. This was so intoxicating for him. Even being over the phone sent shivers down his spine. He was in love- and he felt loved back. There was a slight buzzing over the phone. >I have to make this call short, boy. My connection is dying... not to mention my credit card balance.
"Oh sure- I don't want to break your bank! Call collect next time, okay?" >I'll dial whatever gets me talking to you fastest.
"Until then, okay?" >Miss me?
"I'm writing you a letter!" >Oooh! Mail! I can write back but I'm not good at putting pen to paper...
The phone was breaking up slowly. Nick strained to hear. "It's not a problem. As long as you appreciate it, that's all I need." >I already appreciate it.
"Safe landing." >Goodbye for now.
"Goodbye Justin" and Nick hung up the phone. He leaned back in his bed and swooned silently. Romantic inspiration surprisingly struck and he lifted the paper up to complete his running thoughts, grateful he had spoken to his muse. The smells from the kitchen seemed somewhat more tasty.
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Central Park was not as chilly on this particular evening as it had been in the past few months. A light jacket was all Kevin needed to keep the wind out as he walked slowly down the path towards a cluster of trees.
He knew he was being followed. He had been away from the hotel for a few hours and the same trenchcoat was seen at every stop he made. A security guard sent by his manager, no doubt. He wasn't going to make it obvious that he knew they were there. The guards were meant to be sly and stealthy. He wished to give them their self confidence.
He stopped at a garbage can and tossed his styrofoam coffee cup away. He could have stayed in the hotel and ordered room service but he needed fresh air to clear his mind.
Kevin was going back to Los Angeles with Howie and Brian tomorrow. He wasn't looking forward to spending too much time on the plane alone with them. Their mood swings were often uncontrollable and flighty. He loved them like brothers but their relationship often got in the way of calming relaxation.
For the longest time, the two lovers thought they were being covert. Kevin honestly didn't suspect they were together until they were not on the road but spending time in their apartment. Some noises just couldn't be denied. They shared walls after all...
While they were happy, there was no problem. As soon as human nature tackled mindless love, it was obvious that something was going on between them... Howie would get jealous. Brian would get defensive. Petty fights would break out... even the neighbors knew there were issues. Kevin decided to laugh it off.
If they loved each other, then there was no reason to confront the boys. It didn't affect the band or their living conditions. It only made Kevin long for love. And that's what he was doing outside on this bleak evening.
He had decided it would be best to tell AJ everything he was experiencing. It was a very risky tactic but he couldn't keep it inside him anymore. It was his hope that he could strike up a conversation with AJ and somehow get around to erotic dreams. Yeah- that would be easy.
He was not going to claim anything about his sexuality. After all, he hadn't acted on this new form of fascination. He had always thought about it but that meant nothing. You're supposed to be open to possibilities.
Kevin felt the wind become stronger. He pulled the blazer closer to his body. The collar rubbed against his chin and he heard his stubble graze the fabric. He watched his breath disappear into the air around him. He felt as if he should be living inside the video for "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely".
He continued his stroll towards the trees. He wasn't sure why that was his goal but it was often ambitious to reach something in the distance. That's why people climbed mountains- aside from the challenge. You could see the mountain in the distance and you climbed it to see what it was blocking from eyeshot.
Kevin felt like smiling. He was thinking about the last vision he saw himself in with AJ... Those little snipets of his subconscious he had, included an outdoor romp into a nearby pool. For some reason it led to skinny dipping and sex. He woke up with a smile too. They were getting more and more bizarre.
Was it all more fantasy? Did he actually want something with AJ? He couldn't know. He had barely had relationships with women. How could he know what he wanted without trying everything? Sometimes you're just born knowing. And sometimes you're born wrong...
Dreams supposedly told things about your emotions. How you truly feel about people or an event or your own future.Of course they could be completely off the mark but not always. Kevin couldn't just guess the meaning of his dreams. He had to confront them.
AJ was staying in New York during their little break. He had some sight-seeing to do and traveling around to a few relatives. Kevin wished he could just stick around as well but on top of his strange feelings for AJ, he was also amazingly homesick. The trenchcoat behind him darted to the other side of a bench and attempted to camouflage himself into the dark background. ~Gosh I hope its not an angry fan...~ Kevin thought. He reached a cross-section in the park. The road he was walking along was cut by another road leading into another direction. Kevin stopped.
The trees he was heading towards seemed a lot closer than they earlier had. He was obviously getting nearer and nearer with every step. But what was there when he finally arrived? What was the point of getting there? He looked at the crossroad in front of him that led back to a major street. It could get him back to his hotel. He stood in the cool night silently for a moment. He had been set on seeing the trees up close- just to satisfy curiosity- but how he wasn't intent on getting there at all.
Kevin sighed and put his hands in his pockets. He turned around and saw how far he had come. He thought about AJ again and then about Howie with Brian. He bit his lower lip and shrugged. Kevin turned his body and walked down the crossroad, leaving the trees behind and the path he was traveling.
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And just to be fair and give credit where credit is due I think its a good idea to inform you that all of the titles for the chapters are song titles which primarily come from Broadway musicals. :) Always full of surprises! Here are the titles and the shows they come from... I recommend each of them to my audience!
Pictures Paint A Thousand Words- This is actually the only one not from a musical! Not A Day Goes By- Merrily We Roll Along Move On- Sunday In The Park With George Unexpected Song- Song and Dance Memory- Cats Putting it Together- Sunday In The Park With George Love Changes Everything- Aspects of Love Losing My Mind- Follies Who Am I? - Les Miserables Almost Paradise- Footloose (I know, I know... not really a musical) Back To Before- Ragtime Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again- Phantom Of The Opera We Need A Little Christmas- Mame All For The Best- Godspell Something Was Missing- Annie
Always nice to see some good music! Enjoy yourselves as legally as possible and I hope to have the next part out soon! BrwyDevil@aol.com.