this is a True Story about my struggle
"My Story of Coming Out"
I am not sure where to begin because there are so many different avenues, and they all start at the same point. I guess the best place is from my earliest childhood memories of boys, and thoughts of boys. I was always curious about other boys, and what they had inside their pants. I am guessing that I was around 8 years old when I took on a significant effort to view other boys. I can remember spending extra time in the locker room at the local pool so that I'd have a better chance of seeing someone naked. I was smart enough to know how to conceal my curiosity by keeping busy. Instead of just sitting in the corner, and watching other boys change clothes, I would be in a slow motion act of changing my own so that no one would suspect me. On the outside of the locker room while I was actually swimming, I can remember standing in line at the diving board. There was always several people in line so, this gave me an opportunity to see people standing still, rather than walking, or running around. When they were standing, I could check out the "bump" inside their swim suites without the distortion of it moving. I must admit that I had a pretty good plan for such a young kid, as I would time myself with others so that I ended up in line close to them. I did this by leaning against the fence "resting" then when the right person was headed for the diving line, I would start walking that way as well. Now I know what you must be thinking, this guy was a little gay boy at age 8, and that's not the case at all. I actually had no idea why I was checking out boys, and to be honest, I don't remember gay people existing. I was just a curious little boy. This type of thing happened with me all through my early school years. I can remember sitting in the third grade reading group. I would follow along in my book, and keep an eye on crotches too. Now for any of you that are older, I know you must be rolling your eyes because what third grader has a crotch worth staring at? You are exactly right BUT, to another third grader, that wasn't such a dead view.
I have spent some time telling about my very early years. Now I will move up to some other things so this doesn't get too boring. I did my share of sleep-overs with friends from school, or kids of the friends my parents had from work. We did all the normal stuff that boys do, then it would be time for bed. Boys are never ready for bed when they are TOLD to go there so, we'd lie there talking for a while. The conversations always seemed to head for girls, or sex. I had several friends where I spent the night, or they came to my house. Some of them were more timid than others, and in those cases, we never did much else but talk. The friends that were more fun were the ones that I did stuff with after bedtime. It would always start with the usual girls, sex, and such, then it would escalate into telling each other we've popped a boner, and then into possibly showing off our boner to the other one. Showing off the boner was really more like breaking the ice because once it was shown the first time, it was the normal thing to do on the future sleep-overs. We never did anything really, it was just a "show me show you" type of deal. One of my friends was more ambitious than I was, and we often took showers together when we got ready for bed. Still there was no weird stuff going on, just a couple of boys taking a shower. Yes, we might have boners but, nothing was happening as it was a cool thing to show off the boner. I was too young at that point to KNOW about anything else to do with my body besides show it off.
Now skipping up a few more years. I went all through Junior High, and High School with the same feelings. I was curious to SEE other naked boys BUT, I still had no clue that I was gay. "Talk about being a dumb-ass" Gym class was the BEST for me. I always looked forward to the shower, and being able to see other guys. There was something different about me from most of the other guys when it came to changing clothes. All the other guys seemed to be in a great big hurry to change as quickly as possible so fewer people could see them in either their undies, or naked. I was not like that at all. I took my time changing, and I never made any efforts to hide my body from others. In fact, I may have even enjoyed the fact that someone was watching me change clothes. During these years in the upper grades, I still did not date anyone. I simply was not attracted to girls. I hadn't realized that I was gay, and I actually thought that some day it would all hit me, then BOOM, I would like girls. WRONG!
It was a long time after school when I finally realized that I must be gay. It did not hit me like a brick one morning, I gradually thought about it for a few weeks. I have to say that it was not easy coming to the conclusion that I was doomed to be this way. I don't think it's anything that a guy ever Hopes for in his life. After deciding I was gay, I made the decision to never pursue a gay relationship, and I would live alone the rest of my life. What a stupid thing for me to do..!!!!!
Now, I will finally tell the main part of my Coming Out Story. I hope that I have not lost all of my readers by now?
I have to give Credit to the Internet for me ever being able to come out. I started going on line looking for other gay guys. I would spend time in the gay chat rooms. I was comfortable talking to other gay people because they were not HERE in my bed room so I was safe from being exposed. I am the Honest type. I never feel the need to lie about anything, and I made several on line friends along the way. Most of them were short term, and would vanish a few weeks, or months after meeting. There are still a handful of people that I've known since the first days of my Internet travels, and they are like GOLD to me.
There was one person that I knew on line very well. He was a straight guy so, I hadn't told him that I'm gay. I was scared to lose him as a friend so, I kept my mouth shut. Now I want to remind you, I am Honest but in this case, he did not ask so, I did not tell. No Harm Done! After I had known this guy for a couple of years, he decided to take a road trip to see his girlfriend in another State. His trip would take him on a path right through the city where I now live. He told me about the length of his trip, and wondered if it would be OK to visit me for a couple of days on his journey. I said that was not a problem, and I was actually delighted to meet an Internet friend "in person" for the first time ever. Jason arrived just as we had planned. He drove straight to my house with no troubles. We had already seen several pictures of each other, and spent lots of time on the phone so, besides the actual meeting in person, we really were not such strangers if you think about it.
I knew several people from the same town where Jason lived so, I had them on my ICQ list with him. One of the nights when we had been out all day, I was lying down, and Jason was telling some friends back home about the fun we were having over here. This is when the ball began to roll on coming out. One of my Gay ICQ friends messaged me. He had no idea that Jason was on my Computer instead of me. He sent me a message that was not your average "straight guy to straight guy" type of message. Jason became very curious about the person who sent me that message, and he checked the "info" on that person. It just happened to be one of the most OUT people I knew, and when Jason saw the info saying: "Brandon Loves Joey forever" he was even MORE Curious. Now he started looking at the info on several people from my list. Soon he came and said to me: "Ron, you have some gay people on your ICQ list" At that point, I was ready to die. The first thing that came to my head was that I knew they were gay, and just leave them alone because they don't bother me. I figured that would be good enough to snuff out Jason's curiosity.
Then I went outside to think alone. I became very worried because the next day, Jason was going to be at my house all alone, and I knew that he would find out more stuff for sure. I envisioned him acting like me, and messaging some of the other gay people. If they thought it was me, they might say ANYTHING. I was in a giant panic about all of this stuff. I went to bed a couple of hours later. I could not sleep, and I was so nervous that my stomach felt sick. Finally I could not take it anymore. I went into the other room where Jason was sleeping, and woke him up. It was about 2:00am by now. Jason asked what I wanted, and I just said in a firm voice: "we've got to talk" He followed me back into my room, and took a seat. I sat down in my rolling chair across from him, then I scooted it closer to about 4 feet away. I struggled for a few minutes. I just could not say the words. It was as though my voice was locked. After Jason said "what Ron" about 4 different times, I finally said: "Jason, I am gay" then I burst into tears. Jason did not know what to do or say at that point because I was crying. After I regained some of my composure, he told me that it was OK. Jason started giving me the speech about everyone having a "purpose" here on Earth. We sat in my room talking for a few minutes, then it was time to get back in bed. I asked him if it was ok to give him a HUG, and he just reached out his arms to me. I grabbed him tightly and nearly started to cry again. I got back in my bed before he left my room, and I asked him to shut off my light. After turning out the light, he said: "Ron, it's going to be OK" I then said to him: "I Love you Jason" and he said: "I won't take that the wrong way" then I got back out of bed to hug him again, and this time I kissed his cheek, and said: "don't take that the wrong way either"
I still wasn't able to sleep very well. Even with Jason accepting the gay deal, I still felt very Nervous about it.
The next morning, I did not go to work. I had decided to stay home with him all day. This was going to be his last day to visit, and with all that had happened, I felt the need to stay home. Jason tried to convince me to tell my Mom, and I just couldn't do it. I could not face telling my Mom that I am gay.
A couple of Months past after Jason had gone home. He and I were still friends just like before so I came to the conclusion that he really did not care whether I was gay or not. I was having problems with my Head. I get Migraine headaches all the time, and he convinced me that my headaches might be due to the fact I am hiding this gay issue inside. He was the only straight person that I had ever told thus far so, he had a point. He continued to try convincing me to come out to my Mom, and finally I said OK, I will tell her. After I made up my mind to tell Mom, I had another obstacle to get by, and that was finding a time when Mom was alone. She had recently gotten married again, and her new husband was always near. It seemed like there would never come a time when he'd be gone from home. Every time he went to buy groceries, or gas, or anything, Mom was always going with him. If she was home, he was too. I had to balance myself out to be READY to talk at the first possible moment. I could not let a time come with Mom being alone, and I chickened out so, I programmed myself to be ready at any moment. Finally one Sunday morning, he took off to buy something in town. I told myself "this is it" and then headed downstairs to her room. I told Mom to come sit at the table because we needed to talk. She came in and said: "what's on your mind" I got that same locked voice feeling as I did with Jason but, I knew that my time alone was short so I forced the words out. "Mom, I am gay" She sat there, and acted like it did not compute. The look on her face was as though I had spoken a foreign language, and she did not know what I had said. I had to ask her if she understood me, and she told me YES, I did but that she did not believe it. Mom began trying to tell me that I am confused because I've never dated anyone (girls) and that if I had, then I wouldn't be thinking I am gay. After I told her several times that I KNOW I am gay, she then started asking me questions about whether I have ever been with a guy. I told her that I had not done stuff with guys before, and she followed that by saying: "then how do you know you like them" Those were very tough answers to give without being dirty or nasty with my words. I just had to say: "Mom, I just know OK" The conversation ended because her husband had just returned home. She ended it by saying: "don't tell HIM about this"
In the next few weeks, we did not talk about the gay subject much at all. Mom still acted as though I was mistaken BUT, she did seem to be getting a grip on it because she made a few cute remarks to me. None of them were the type to hurt, but without being prepared for them, I felt awkward just the same.
Soon, I decided to tell one of my sisters. I took her up to my bedroom where we'd be alone. This time it was much easier to say because the pressure was not there. She cried a little bit but basically did not get mad or anything. She seemed so at ease with it, that I decided to show her a few cute guys. Evidently she was putting on a bit because she told my Mom that she wasn't interested in seeing who I thought was a cute guy. I was pissed because instead of telling me, she went through my Mom. My Mom then proceeded to tell me that she did not want me to "flaunt" it around to everyone. That was something I did not understand at all. I was not flaunting anything, I was just coming out to people.
I told several of my on line straight friends, and none of them reacted in a bad way. They all took the news very well. Now later on, I did notice how a few of them have "distanced" themselves from me. They stopped talking as much as before, and it got down to a point where unless I actually talked to them first, I never heard a word. In some cases, I would send them a message, and they would talk for a few minutes, then all of a sudden, they had to go. That never happened before I came out.
Now I am stuck. There are Heaps of people that I would like to tell, and because my Mom is so worried about her husband finding out, I can't say a word to anyone. I don't understand why it's so important to my Mom, that I keep my secret. I am the person who is gay, Not her! What skin is it off her ass if I'm the gay person. I could see if she was keeping a secret that was HER Problem but, it's MY Problem.
Anyhow, there you have my coming out story. I am sorry about dragging it out so far but, I wanted to give everyone a better idea of who I am, and where I've been.
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR GOOD FRIENDS! :o) FEEL FREE TO E-MAIL ME.
jaspers_run@hotmail.com "Ron"