The following short story was my first attempt at writing a fictional piece over three years ago. It was this story that gave me the confidence to start writing Ron and Bryan, which led later into Ron and Matt and Empire. I hope you will enjoy it.
This story is a work of gay fiction. If the subject matter is offensive to you or you are too young, please exit now. This work is the property of the author and may not be reproduced without permission.
John Tucker JETjt@aol.com. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
ALAN AND BRYAN
A Story of Love
Chapter One
His broken body was nearly healed. The beautiful body, which had carried Bryan through his teen years, now carried the consequences of the trauma that he had suffered. What didn't show was the hurt within.
Bryan sat in a daze on the living room sofa, deep in thought. The biggest decision in his life lay before him. He carefully considered the emotions coursing through his mind and body, and the realities of life, knowing that regardless of the decision he made, his life would change forever. Now, at 22 years of age, Bryan clearly remembered the past that had brought him to this cusp, this crossroad where he must make a choice.
Bryan had known at a young age that he was gay. He had accepted the fact without much trauma early in his teen years and without remorse. He and his brother Dick were raised in Manhattan and shared a closeness that only brothers, who were also best friends, could appreciate. Theirs was an upper-middle class life with comfort, but not extravagance a part of everyday life. Their father, Richard, was successful and caring, yet sufficiently aloof that Bryan never shared his sexual orientation with his parents. His mother was warm and totally dedicated to their father and lovingly cared about her offspring.
Bryan and Dick, while close to their parents, had shared with each other all the confidences that unqualified love and trust between two brothers could offer. They grew up with little parental guidance in the details of love and sex and discovered together, often on their own initiative, those things that attracted them. Though their social direction became, over time, as separate and different as their sexual orientation, theirs was a bond that was strong and unwavering in spite of any adversity that might arise. Dick did not understand Bryan's attraction to guys, but after being convinced that it was not just a passing phase of his younger brother's life, accepted his brother as being gay and gave his love to his younger sibling unconditionally.
Bryan was totally delightful. He was smart, funny, and wonderful to be around. He attracted friends like flies and not unexpectedly, under the circumstances, had exchanged sexual favors with numerous youths with whom he shared a mutual attraction.
Bryan was not particularly big in any department, but he was notoriously good looking. He had a wonderful smile, proud nose and gorgeous dark eyes. His hair was a mound of dark, almost black, hay framing his cute face. His body, though not especially large or muscular, was trim, hard, and smooth, all resulting in an eye pleasing package of young, virile, temptation that complemented his friendly, carefree demeanor.
He had graduated from high school, and was in his second year of non-spectacular performance in college when he met Jon. Jon was gorgeous in Bryan's eyes. He was from across the river in New Jersey, but often came to Manhattan to mingle with the other young guys who frequented the city hangouts. As the two young men met amid circles of friends, their attraction to each other became compelling. They soon became a couple, professing their love to each other and to their friends. Jon was gregarious and outgoing, but in falling for Bryan became focused on his lover, and other friends became just secondary to his caring for his new partner. Bryan, on the other hand, had a big and open heart. He maintained his friendships with his other friends, even while being faithful and totally in love with his young lover.
Bryan was an anomaly. In many ways he was wise to the ways of life in the city, yet in other ways, he possessed the brashness of youth, trying things with fearless abandon that older and wiser heads would have easily avoided. These qualities delighted his friends who often made him the center of their gatherings. One of his more casual friends was Alan, a handsome social worker who Jon and Bryan knew from the streets of New York where Alan applied his career. Alan was in his early 30s and spent most of his work time intercepting youths who had left their unhappy home situations, and who had come to seek their fortunes in the big city. Alan knew the dangers that the city could bring to these unsuspecting and often desperate, youngsters. Without the social and financial support of family and friends, these youths, male or female, gay or straight, could easily fall prey to seemingly friendly pimps and deviates. The livelihoods of these vultures of the street were made by selling the "services" of those hopeless youths, who, in despair, had given up on their own ability to successfully survive in the jungle of the city. Alan enjoyed, but had limited time for the handsome couple, who had little need for his expertise or help. Being gay himself, he admired these cute guys, but his profession forbade any personal involvement except as a friendly advisor or confidant.
Bryan kept no secret from his friends that he was gay and that he loved Jon. He, himself, had felt no inner struggle to accept himself or the lifestyle of a gay youth, and he had difficulty understanding how others could condemn him for something that he had no part in becoming. He and Jon were equally accepted within their group of friends who had taken the handsome lovers to their bosom. This knowledge and openness had not extended to Bryan's parents. While he had always felt much trust, warmth and affection, he had chosen not to reveal his sexuality to them, since they had always avoided any willingness to discuss personal and intimate subjects. In spite of this vacuum, they never had shown any indications of homophobia. Subjects of a sexual nature had always been taboo within the household thus the subject was treated almost as if the world existed without it. During his growing years, Bryan simply had avoided at home any outward appearance of his sexual leanings, an avoidance made easy by his parents' lack of probing into his private life.
Bryan was in love and Jon was the young man of his heart and dreams. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Bryan's joy in his love was too great to contain, and he wanted to share his elation with the man he most revered and loved, his father. In spite of Jon's misgivings, Bryan decided to expose the depths of his feelings for his handsome lover. When he felt he could wait no longer, Bryan met with his father, while Jon waited outside at the front of Bryan's house. While his younger son professed the love he felt for Jon, Bryan's father became flushed as the meaning of his son's revelation became clear. Confirming his love for his partner, Bryan in turn revealed Jon's returned love for him. Bryan also explained clearly that his sexual orientation was a natural part of his own being, and in his own heart, immutable and permanent.
Like an unexpected explosion, Bryan's father suddenly erupted in a rage of contempt, screaming derogatory and demeaning names at his astonished son as he ordered his queer son out of his home and his life. He made it abundantly clear that Bryan was no longer his son, nor would he ever again be tolerated within his sight.
Bryan's spirit was crushed as he quickly retreated to his room where he gathered a few belongings into a small backpack. In tears he descended the front steps of his parents' home, a home that now denied his very existence. Jon was there for him and, seeing his condition, held open his arms enveloping his lover. After a few moments they pulled apart and Bryan took Jon's hand in his, picking up his small backpack with the other. After Bryan took one last look, they walked away leaving the neighborhood of Bryan's youth to find a life together in the City they both knew and loved.
Chapter Two
As Bryan sat on the sofa, he recounted the happy days with Jon, the days before the disaster that had changed their lives and the night that had sent their futures veering off in unimagined directions.
Jon and Bryan entered into their lives living on the streets with a joy and enthusiasm that could only be a reflection of their shared love for each other. The happiness of being together made any hardship a minor, temporary obstacle. The young men had many friends and possessed a knowledge of living on the streets that only a native of the City could fully comprehend. Just when necessary did they take on odd jobs for spending money, enjoying the unfettered freedom they had never before known. The City was full of wonder and opportunities for life experiences. Their security was not an address with its obligations, but the love and trust they found in each other, which they demonstrated whenever possible with the physical exchanges of love making. It was love that made the anticipation of each new day so exciting. Never lacking a place to sleep, they stayed briefly in shelters when other, better options were not open to them. Most often, they stayed with their friends, always bringing a small gift or bottle of inexpensive wine to show their appreciation.
They felt no pressure to "get on with their lives", but rather treasured their daily existence, confident in their ability to master the challenges as they occurred. The youths continued and even expanded their circle of friends. This circle provided the support needed for their lives on the street, but they were careful to be self sufficient as much as possible, so they would not become a burden to the others whose lives were often also on a tenuous string. The support they received was exchanged for support given, often to others who had needs that could be filled by the young partners. Whether it was with physical help or psychological, this loose arrangement of exchanged help was the network that provided not only a comfortable, if sparse existence, but also the very freedom that made their lives so rewarding.
Alan knew of the young men's situation. He admired their courage and ability to thrive in the City with little visible means of support. Offering only friendship and advice, he none-the-less felt a touch of envy for the love they shared.
Alan was himself gay, but unattached after an earlier unsuccessful straight marriage, keeping himself buried in the activity of his work and home. He provided a nurturing shelter for his teenage son Rich, and continued his education toward his doctorate degree while working full-time as a social worker in the neighborhoods of the City. His busy life left little time for an active personal life and his caring for those who needed his help took their toll on his emotions.
Life in the City for those young and unprepared could be cruel and even deadly. He stood as a shield against personal disaster, helping those in distress where he and his coworkers could make a difference in young lives. The endless stream of human needs, the lack of time for meaningful involvement and the real personal pain suffered with the inevitable failures inherent with his work, strained the capacity of his emotional well-being. He loved his work even with its personal cost. He knew that he made a real difference in many young lives even though the demands of his challenging profession left little time to enjoy the successes. Bryan and Jon were not one of his worries, as he applied his skills and efforts of assistance to the needs of others.
Months passed and life changed little for the young men. The only real low note in their lives was the irrevocable rejection of Bryan by his father. Bryan kept in touch with his brother Dick, who sadly informed him that Bryan's very name was forbidden in his parents' house. While Bryan's mother might have accepted her loving son's sexuality, the opportunity would not be possible since his memory was a piece of bad history in the mind of his father, shut out and seemingly forgotten. Bryan's heart cried out for the acceptance of this man who he so loved and admired. Only the understanding and caring he received from Jon made the pain bearable.
Life on the streets was exciting for the young men. Bryan and Jon enjoyed together all the pleasures that life had to offer. The sex was great and survival at an acceptable level was not that hard. They often laughed, remarking on the lives of those poor people who chained themselves to jobs and family and who would never know the freedom of doing only what they wanted without the baggage of responsibility
Their group of friends continued to expand and Bryan, in particular, reveled in being at the center of attention, giving of his time and caring to individuals and couples that he knew and liked. His wit and humor was uplifting to those around him and the admiration of his peers kept his spirits high. Jon, however, was becoming jealous of his partner's attention to others and the attention they gave him. When he brought up the subject, Bryan brushed the concern off lightly as unimportant. Because of the deep love he felt and the trust he gave to his mate, he was sure that his commitment was recognized and reciprocated by his partner. Even though communing with friends was a natural and habitual part of Bryan's being, he reasoned that his feelings for Jon were on a different and higher plain, not subject to any competition from their friends.
On this subject Jon's mind was not compatible with those of his lover. His whole world was Bryan. No one else mattered. At first the attention that his handsome companion dispensed so freely to others began to disturb him. His inner frustration and anger grew, due to his inability to become the only focus of his lover's attention. Mentioning it to Bryan had been futile as his lover blew his comments off with a verbal assurance of his love. Bryan's continued inclusion of others into their lives became a fertile bed for Jon's jealousy to flourish, seemingly unseen and unrealized by his life's only love.
One evening, like so many others before, Bryan and Jon were hanging out with their friends with Bryan, as usual, in the middle of the crowd. Bryan, always the center of attention, spent most of this time talking and laughing with their friends, much to Jon's growing irritation. Recognizing that his partner was unhappy and chafed, Bryan left with Jon to be by themselves. Sensing that Jon must have been feeling ignored and remembering his partner's complaint, Bryan decided on focusing his body and his whole being toward fulfilling his mate's need for uninterrupted attention. As they walked the streets toward their night's shelter, Jon guided Bryan into a dark alley where they could be alone. Bryan seized gratefully the opportunity for privacy that would afford a quick, if not full demonstration of his caring. He was certain he could make up for his lack of exclusive attention to Jon, the lover he had unwittingly and unintentionally ignored for the previous few hours.
As they moved deep into the alleyway, Bryan was suddenly struck from behind, knocking him off his feet! Too stunned to even think clearly, he immediately thought they had been attacked by muggers. Kicks and fists poured down on his prostrate body as he tried helplessly to cover himself to ward off the blows of his attacker. In spite of his pain and agony, he thought only for the safety of his lover. With shock and disbelief, he suddenly realized that the man he loved so, the man who owned his heart was his assailant. Bryan's will to resist faded in the cloud of pain and confusion that engulfed him
Acting in a fit of jealous rage, Jon continued to viciously hit and kick the bloodied body and head, stomping on Bryan's hands, the very hands that had caressed him with such tenderness. His victim dropped into unconsciousness as he took the full force of the repeated impact of sadistic boots slamming savagely into his face.
When, at last, Jon's rage was spent and the consequences of his attack crept back into reality, he staggered drunkenly out of the alley sobbing, abandoning the bloody, dying form of his lover to the elements of the night.
Chapter Three
Bryan wept as he thought about his lost love and the joy that they had shared together. It had all ended so suddenly, and had nearly cost him his life.
The cellular phone rang once, then again. Alan pressed the `talk button and said
"Hello?"
"Is this Alan?" a youthful voice sobbed.
"Yes it is," Alan replied, "How can I help you?"
The youth's words were garbled with emotion as the confession poured forth. "Oh Alan, you have to help him!" the voice wailed, "I beat him up and left him to die!"
"Jon, is that you?" Alan responded, suddenly recognizing the young man's voice. "Who did you beat up, and where did you leave him?" Alan asked, fearing that he knew the answer to at least one of his questions.
"It was Bryan" Jon replied with a sob.
After hearing the dreaded answer, Alan again demanded, then received the location of the alleyway where Bryan lay unconscious.
"Call me later," Alan said as he quickly broke the connection.
Alan sprang into action like the professional that he had become. He immediately dialed 911, gave the dispatcher all the required information, then made another call to his work teammate explaining the situation and informing her that he was off-duty. Sprinting to his van, he raced to the alley where Bryan lay. Grabbing a flashlight, he ran up the dark alley just as the paramedics arrived at the alleyway entrance with lights flashing and sirens blaring. Alan quickly saw the huddled, bloody form before him, but didn't touch him, as he could tell that the injuries were far beyond his first aid training.
"Over here!" he called, as the paramedic team trotted up the alley, gear in hand.
The team moved with swift and careful motions. This scene was not foreign to them and they handled the work with the skill and professionalism developed through much experience. Quickly, they took Bryan's vital signs and checked for injuries, and after applying splints to the injured limbs and attaching a neck support collar, they carefully moved him onto a backboard so that they could place him on the portable gurney. Bryan was covered with blood and his face was a mass of injuries. After carefully inserting an IV into a mangled arm, and tucking in the warm blanket they had placed over the youth, the paramedics lifted the gurney and quickly, but gently, rolled it to the vehicle for transport.
Alan asked the name of the hospital where Bryan was destined, then remained for a few minutes to answer questions from a policeman who had arrived during the paramedics' recovery operation. He told the officer about the phone call, but said that the caller did not give his name. The officer knew Alan. The City police and the social workers in the City had an unspoken bond. They each knew that there were limits to their own organization's ability to deal with all the problems on the street. They knew that if conditions warranted, each agency would be called on for help in their own area of expertise. Asking Alan questions relating to the incident, the officer filled out his report, then told Alan he could leave, explaining that he and the other officers would remain to search the scene of the crime for evidence.
Arriving at the hospital, Alan hurried to the emergency room, a room with which he had become far too familiar. Since Bryan was not in sight, the social worker walked to the admitting desk, inquiring as to his whereabouts and condition. The admitting clerk recognized Alan and made a special effort to be helpful. Alan revealed to her Bryan's family estrangement and offered, uncharacteristically, to be responsible for Bryan's expenses.
Thinking that this offer was official, the clerk quickly agreed and prepared papers for Alan to sign. He then asked the clerk to notify the attending physician that he wished to see him, as soon as conditions would permit. Alan walked to the waiting area, got a cup of coffee from a vending machine and waited nervously for the doctor.
After what seemed like hours of anxious concern, the E.R. doctor emerged through double doors and approached Alan.
"He's in very bad shape, I'm afraid," the doctor reported. "His arms are both fractured, he has two cracked ribs and his hands are badly mangled from what appears to be the result of being crushed against the pavement. He has massive hematomas all over his body from being kicked, especially in the groin area. We're not certain whether or not any organs were injured, or if he will have any brain damage, but the early signs give us hope. He also has numerous lacerations on his body, but they are minor in nature. What is of real concern, but not life threatening, are his nose and face. They have been damaged beyond easy repair. Extensive plastic surgery will be required to restore his nose functionally, as well as cosmetically. His broken teeth will also require the attention of an oral surgeon. Finally, he has not regained consciousness but is being continually monitored and is on oxygen."
Pausing momentarily while Alan absorbed the information, the doctor then continued,
"We nearly lost this young man twice, but he's strong and has a will to live. He's now stabilized and we've set the broken bones. We've placed him in the ICU and he's receiving medications to relieve the pain and to improve his condition. We've also ordered more tests and, assuming that he is better in the morning, we'll operate on his nose and perhaps his mouth, to begin those parts of the reconstruction." The doctor looked at the weary man before him.
"There is nothing you can do here tonight," he advised the tired young man. "I suggest that you go home and get some rest. Leave your phone number at the nurse's station, and they will call you if there is any change in his condition."
Alan, feeling helpless to do more, reluctantly took the doctor's advice. As he drove wearily back to the office to turn in his agency vehicle, he had time to revisit the thoughts that had coursed through his mind while waiting for the doctor. His heart wept over the cruelty of fate, that this young man, who delighted so many and who supported and helped those who needed his care, should be the victim of love gone wrong.
Alan thought about his job. He saw in his work every day, streets full of ruined and desperate lives. Many nights he came home devastated, personally feeling the pain of the victims of the City's inhumanity. The wall that he had built to protect himself emotionally was not impervious. `How can you make people believe that you really care if it's only a façade?' he thought in frustration. He knew that his job took its emotional toll, but he accepted it because in spite of frustrations that were inherent in his work, he loved his job. The small successes, making a difference in people's lives, made it all seem worthwhile.
Now he was faced with Bryan and Jon. It tore him apart knowing that this gentle and beautiful youth was now in the hospital, fighting for his life. His thoughts moved to Jon, who he had just saved from years in jail by his silence: `Should he continue to protect him?' He wasn't sure, but he knew that Jon's actions caused an anger within himself and a call for justice. He knew that retribution was wrong, but he also knew that there had to be a price paid for this wanton act of violence. He decided to put off dealing with Jon until the full extent of Bryan's condition was known. With a steely resolve, Alan committed himself to Bryan's well-being and care, even though his training insisted that he remain detached and not become personally involved. He accepted that he was being foolish, that it violated every tenet of his profession, and that he risked heartbreak for himself by becoming personally attached to this young man. For once, he didn't care. Bryan needed his help and he knew that he would never forgive himself if he didn't do all he could for his younger friend.
Alan awoke the next day at his regular time, though he had been able to get only half his normal amount of sleep. `Why am I so tired,' he thought groggily. Then he remembered. He quickly got out of bed, dispensed with his morning hygienic functions, and descended the staircase to the kitchen. Alan smelled coffee as he approached the room. Rich was there.
Alan's teenage son had made coffee and was sitting at the table. "I made some coffee Dad, I knew you got in late---- Problems?"
"Yes," Alan replied. "A nice young man I know from my work on the streets was attacked by his lover and I took him to the hospital. He was beaten severely and is in critical condition. I want to help him if I can."
Rich smiled at his father. "What happened to the `No Involvement Policy', huh?" Rich asked grinning.
"This is different," Alan explained. "Bryan is a young friend, and he really needs help and someone who cares."
"Yeah, sure Dad. Is he cute?"
Alan looked sadly at his son and answered softly, "He used to be."
Rich knew from the tears in his father's eyes that enough had been said. He arose from the table, and looking at his father trustingly, he announced, "Dad, you know I will support you with whatever you have to do." With that assurance, he gave his father a hug and left the kitchen for his room.
Over his morning cup of coffee, Alan called the hospital. Upon reaching the attending physician and identifying himself, the doctor consulted Bryan's chart and reported, "He's had a rough night, but he is doing as well as can be expected. He's lapsing in and out of consciousness and is not really aware of what is going on. The good news is that there appears to be no permanent damage except to his nose and face. Unless there is brain damage or internal injuries that have not as yet surfaced, he stands a good chance of a full recovery. Surgeons are presently working on his face and he should be back in the ICU within the hour. He can't receive visitors today, but if you come by around 3 o'clock, I`ll permit you so see him for a minute. It's unlikely that he will be awake or will recognize you, so don't be too hopeful," the physician warned. "His body is doing all it can to survive and recover."
Alan thanked the Doctor and asked again to be notified if Bryan's condition changed. The young social worker hung up the phone and forced himself into his daily routine at home, knowing that activity was his own best medicine.
At 11:15 the phone rang. Fearing the worst, Alan picked it up almost with dread. "Hello."
A terrified voice on the other end spoke. "Alan, this is Jon..... How's Bryan?
Alan felt sudden anger as he replied, "He's alive but almost died, thanks to you." Immediately regretting his words, Alan continued. "Thank God that you had the sense to call me or you would now be in jail for murder. Another hour and we'd have lost him."
"Can I see him?" Jon asked brokenly.
"No, he is slipping in and out of consciousness and can't receive visitors, especially you." Alan could hear the young man on the other end of the line begin to cry.
"What will happen to me?" The young man blubbered almost incoherently . "I haven't turned you into the police yet," Alan responded. "I haven't yet decided what to do with you, but you WILL do what I say or you'll be in jail so fast that you won't have time to brush your teeth."
The young man responded, "Sure, I'll do whatever you want. ... I'm so, so sorry."
"You will meet me at the north corner of Central Park at 4:30 today at 110th and Eighth Avenue. Don't be late," Alan insisted.
"I'll be there," Jon replied. "...and... Alan,... thank you for saving Bryan."
"Don't thank me yet," came the response. "I have some thinking to do. You'd just better pray that Bryan recovers."
With that said, Alan hung up the phone and began to prepare for his visit to the hospital, his meeting with Jon, and yet another night on the City streets.
Chapter Four
As Bryan thought about the decision that was yet to be made, he remembered his time in the hospital, but in that memory there was a dark period that he only knew from what Alan had told him.
Arriving at the hospital, Alan went to the E.R. admitting desk and asked for the doctor with whom he had spoken earlier, giving his name and Bryan's. The doctor soon appeared with a smile on his face.
"I think the worst is definitely over," he commented. "The patient is coming around for longer periods of time, but he still is not coherent. We are not particularly worried about it, but there could be some brain damage. His brain scans are good, but we can't really see everything."
The doctor led Alan into the ICU and he could see his young friend covered with casts and bandages with tubes sticking out all over. It was hard to imagine that this poor creature was the same smiling, happy young man that Alan remembered.
" I believe he's out of danger, and we've taken him off the critical list," the doctor commented, "If he has a good night and continues to improve, we'll move him to a room in the morning. I think we can expect him to stay awake for longer periods, and probably begin understanding where he is. It could happen at any time," the physician concluded.
After again thanking the doctor for his help, Alan headed for his van. It was time for his meeting with Jon.
As he approached the corner where he was to meet Jon, Alan spotted the young man who he thought was Jon, but he wasn't initially sure. The young man he knew, while not fastidious in his appearance, always looked clean and neat even if a bit rumpled. The Jon that he approached was dirty, his face was streaked and his clothing askew. Alan closed the distance to the young man he finally recognized, and grasping his arm lightly, said, "Lets take a walk."
They wandered into the park and after a few minutes of silence, Alan guided his former friend to a bench where the older man indicated they would sit.
"Tell me," Alan demanded.
"Tell you what?" asked Jon, though he knew what Alan was looking for.
"Why?" Alan asked.
The young man buried his face in his hands, and wept.
"I....I loved him so much," he sobbed, "He was the center of my life." After a moment, Jon continued haltingly, "I couldn't bear that I was not the center of his. When we were with others, I was in the background and he didn't even know I was there. ... It drove me wild. ... I tried to not make it a big deal... but it was to me. .... Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore! I know it's no excuse for the terrible things I did, but it's the truth...Now I'm so lost, I don't even know what to do. I'm so sorry, and so scared."
Alan said gently, "You know you've lost him forever."
It was a statement, not a question! Jon looked stricken, as if someone had stabbed him with a knife.
"Oh no! Please tell me it's not true!" the young man pleaded.
Grimly Alan continued, "It's the price you have to pay to stay out of jail! You will never see him again! Further, you will stay off of these streets for a year! If I see you here, I will turn you in. Go back to New Jersey and get your life together. Perhaps Bryan will forgive you some day, but I know he will never trust you again. Your friends here will have nothing to do with you once they find out what you have done to Bryan, so go home, or just go away! I don't care. I just don't want to see your face."
Jon's world had vanished, and now he knew it. He felt lost and empty inside. He asked, "Did Bryan say he didn't want to ever see me again?" the youth entreated.
"No, it's my decision and make no mistake about it, NEVER is the key word! If you loved him, if you still love him, that is your punishment--- live with it!" You will not talk with him, you will not write him, and you'll have no communication with him whatsoever. If you care about him, and want to know how he is doing, you can call me. That's all. If you try to see him now, in 5 years or in 10 years, I promise you will do time. For your own sake, I hope you understand me!"
Broken and beaten in spirit, Jon asked, "Is he going to be alright?" with defeat showing on his face.
"No one knows for sure. He is still incoherent, though some signs are favorable. He is no longer your concern," Alan continued coldly. "We have hopes, but he will never be the same Bryan that you knew. You can thank yourself for that!"
"What will he do?" Jon asked.
"That is now my responsibility, not yours," Alan responded. The older man looked sternly at Jon and concluded, "Have I made myself clear? The offer to stay out of jail is one time only. I am so angry about this, that I could personally strangle you!"
"Yes, it's clear," the young man stated as he rose and slowly began to walk away, saying softly and dejectedly, "... and I wish you would!"
Alan watched, as the young man walked with faltering steps, stooped shoulders and hanging head, out of the park and out of their lives.
Chapter Five
Even now as Bryan sat on the sofa, by thinking about it, he could feel traces of the wounds, now healed. Not so long ago, he was lying in the hospital bed, not knowing where he was or what lay in store for him.
Bryan's eyes opened and he looked at the nearly white room. He felt entombed, by the casts, and bandages and from tubes projecting from his body. A large bandage protected the area that had once been his proud nose and his eyes were swollen, making it difficult to see. What has happened to me?' he wondered, Where am I?' As his groggy senses began to clear, he realized that he was in a hospital bed. `How did I get here, I don't remember coming here?'
Minutes later a nurse stuck her head in the door, and seeing that Bryan was awake, entered. "Well, how are we feeling?" she asked . "Well, I don't know about you," he said in a voice barely louder than a whisper, "but I feel like shit"
The nurse laughed and said, "I'm happy you are doing better. I'm going to get the doctor." She passed through the door, and minutes later, returned with a man dressed in a white coat and the ever-present stethoscope dangling from his neck.
"Nurse Peterson told me that you were awake and cognizant. I am so pleased," he remarked as he approached the bed.
"How long have I been here," Bryan asked.
"This is your third day," came the answer. "You arrived Sunday morning and today is Tuesday. Now lie still for a few moments while I examine you, then you can ask more questions."
The doctor, attended by the nurse, checked all of Bryan's vital signs, tapped and poked, asking again and again, "Does that hurt?"
"Yes" was the most frequent answer, however the young patient was not in great pain, due to the medication that continued to make him drowsy. The doctor, at last, seemed satisfied and spent a few minutes adding information to Bryan's chart. Bryan's eyes closed, then opened slowly, as the physician completed his work.
Bryan asked, "How did I get here?"
The medical man looked down at his patient and responded, "You were brought in by paramedics, after you were found badly injured in an alley. A young social worker called 911 and met the paramedics where you were found, then he followed you here. He stayed until you were out of immediate danger and has been back each day to see you.
"Has Alan been here today?" Bryan asked knowing for sure that his rescuer was his friend. "No, not yet I believe. .... Well, now I have to get back to my rounds. I'll be back to see you later. Rest! It is the best thing for you. If you are in pain, call the nurse and she can administer some additional pain medication."
The young man already doped-up with drugs, drifted off to sleep.
Later Bryan awoke. He sensed that someone was in the room as he slowly came out of his stupor. Alan was sitting in a chair near his bedside.
"Hi," Bryan said weakly. He tried to smile, but realized that it resulted in pain from his injured mouth and nose.
"Hi yourself," Alan replied. "Welcome back." He gently touched Bryan's bare shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "How are you feeling?" Without waiting for an answer Alan asked, "Do you need a nurse, or can I get you anything?"
"No, I don't need anything and I'm too tired to even think about it, but I'm really so glad that you're here."
Tears appeared in Bryan's eyes.
"I feel so helpless," he said. "Thank you for saving me."
"You're welcome my friend. Just know that I'm here for you. Don't worry about a thing. Your only job is to get better. The doctor says that you'll be fine," Alan said reassuringly.
"Has Jon been here?"
It was the dreaded question, but Alan replied truthfully,
"No, and I'm afraid he won't be coming here either. You know, don't you, that he's the one who did this to you?"
The memory of the beating returned and the young man nodded. He was consumed with a deep sense of grief and loss. Now the tears flowed freely.
"Where is he now?" Bryan asked.
"He's free, but has gone away. We'll talk about this when you are feeling stronger." Alan answered, closing that topic. "I'm sorry, but I have to leave and get on to work. I'm so glad you're getting better. I'll come back every day, as long as you are here."
Bryan looked at his friend and said, "Thanks. You don't know how much your visit means to me."
Alan rose from the chair and as he stepped toward the door, he turned, looked into Bryan's eyes and said gently, "You'll get through this. Believe me, I won't abandon you!" Alan then grinned and said, "You can be sure that I'll keep an eye on you, even if it's just to make sure you don't make a pass at one of the cute interns and mess up your recovery!" He winked at Bryan, said "Bye," and turning, walked out the door. Bryan painfully smiled.
Days, then weeks passed. Days full of pain, days with surgeries on his damaged face, days of small victories and days of disappointments, days of helplessness. Bryan had had two major operations on his damaged nose, yet now this once proud feature was smaller and no longer prominent. It wasn't that it looked bad, but it looked different. Bryan felt that he had lost his identity, and that the young man looking back at him in the mirror was almost a stranger. His teeth had also been capped since the violence he had suffered left him with painful shards, where once shiny teeth had accented a cute grin.
A cast on one arm had finally been removed, almost prematurely, allowing him some ability to care for his personal needs, needs that he, earlier, had been forced to leave to others. Even though he had never been "body shy" he still was embarrassed at being unable to attend fully to either his hygienic or bodily function needs, forcing him to accept the help of strangers to take care of his most personal tasks. He felt it was almost degrading. His recovery was at a snail's pace and he was incredibly bored. His body slowly repaired itself, but he couldn't wait to become fully mobile again. He no longer was on pain medication, but the cloudy stupor and drowsiness it provided, had helped to pass the time with sleep and lack of awareness of the passing hours. Now he was fully awake, and impatient to leave, but he had nowhere to go, and no one to go to.
Alan had been his faithful visitor and confidant. The young social worker, true to his promise to himself, had been there to support and encourage the young man in his recovery. Bryan had come to look forward eagerly to the daily visits from this man who he knew had sacrificed a substantial chunk of his limited time for his young friend. The youthful patient had always admired this handsome person and now Bryan came to depend on him to lift his spirits from the gloom of depression and self-pity that looked for a spot to nest, in place of Bryan's once lighthearted outlook on life.
Alan was not going to let it happen! Bryan had few other visitors besides his mentor during recovery. His brother Dick had visited often. Bryan loved his visits, but each visit was a reminder of his rejection by his parents. Dick could not offer the stability of Alan, as he himself was struggling to establish his place in the world, free from dependency on their parents. Other friends visited also, but those visits became fewer as he regained his health.
One visitor that Bryan would recall later with mirth, was a young, cute teen, that the patient immediately assumed to be a Candy Striper. Bryan had become restless waiting for Alan's visit of the day and when the youth appeared, he ordered the young man about, telling him to "bring this" or "fix that"! The youth cheerfully responded and engaged Bryan in casual conversation as he performed his requested tasks. In a desperate need to defecate, Bryan pleaded with the youth to assist him, mentioning that, because of his broken arms, assistance with toilet paper was an embarrassing but necessary part of the task. The young man hesitated, and then agreed, helping Bryan make his way to the bathroom, seating him on the toilet, then standing by until Bryan was finished. Once the necessary cleanup deed was done, the youth helped the injured young man back to his bed, sat himself down in a nearby chair and began engaging in entertaining conversation. Bryan was grateful for the help from the youngster and for the interruption of his boredom. His attitude slowly improved as he passed the time with the handsome teen. . `The hospital should have more guys like that,' Bryan thought after the lengthy visit. Alan arrived a short while later and finding Bryan in good spirits, engaged in light -hearted banter and joking that was uncharacteristic of Bryan's often serious, but now cheerful friend.
The following day Bryan's doctor informed the young man during his early rounds that it was nearing the time that he would be discharged. Bryan had nowhere to go. Jon had disappeared, and none of his old friends offered or were able to accept the burden of caring for a young man still an invalid. Bryan's brother wanted to help, but he barely was able to provide for himself, much less a brother with nearly constant needs for assistance. A worry for his future that Bryan felt from his early rational moments in the hospital became a cloud that hung over every waking moment.
Later Alan arrived with a smile on his face. "I just spoke with the doctor, and you're going to be discharged tomorrow." Alan reported.
The cloud of worry dropped on Bryan's shoulders.
Alan continued in a firm, but soft voice, "We'd like you to come and live with us `til you are fully on your feet, if you're willing."
A smile, born of relief, appeared below Bryan's still bandaged nose. In a few brief seconds, the smile quickly faded as he asked, "Who's `we'?"
Alan responded, "My son, Rich, and I. You know, you met him yesterday!"
Bryan's mouth dropped open in shock! Oh God,' Bryan thought, The kid I ordered about like a servant and who I asked to wipe my ass! How could he want me around?' "I'm so embarrassed," Bryan admitted, "I didn't know he was your son, and I--- I'm afraid that I treated him badly."
Alan grinned. "Well, he seems no worse for the wear. I asked him to come to meet you, because I wanted to invite you to stay with us until you are completely well, and, of course, I wanted him to have a say in the decision. He not only agreed, but he asked me to tell you that he is looking forward to it!"
The relief and happiness on Bryan's face was evident. "Of course I'll accept," Bryan responded. Then with a still voice and downcast eyes, he continued, "You know that I have nowhere else to go... You don't have any idea how much I appreciate the invitation! ... How can I ever repay your generosity?"
Alan responded with a gentle smile, "Just get well! I miss the funny, happy Bry that made me laugh, the delightful guy that I've come to care about!"
With tears, in his eyes, Bryan pulled Alan to him, and as he clumsily gave his friend a big hug, he said, gratefully, "Thanks."
Chapter Six
Yes, that was how I came to be here, Bryan remembered. It was the start of a different but temporary life with these caring guys. He took a sip of his diet Pepsi, and recalled his life here, a life of healing his wounds, not all of them physical.
The van pulled into the drive, with its driver and two passengers. Alan had been able to recover Bryan's few possessions from a friend's small apartment where Bryan had spent his last happy days with Jon. Rich grabbed Bryan's backpack, which contained what had been recovered and exited the van. Alan took his young friend's arm as he unsteadily descended from his shotgun perch. They moved together slowly and entered the small but comfortable house on Long Island.
"This is your home for now," Alan offered reassuringly. "We want you to feel welcome and part of our little family."
Bryan was greatly comforted by the warm welcome, and offered, "Please let me help, as much as I can. I don't want to be a bigger burden than I already am."
"I'm sure that can be arranged," Rich quipped. "Dad is a good cook, when he puts his mind to it, but I hope you can cook too. When he's not here, I'm stuck with cereal or leftovers! I'm ready for a little variety!"
"I hope you like peanut butter!" was Bryan's grinning retort.
Laughing, Rich took Bryan's bag to the guest room while Alan showed Bryan around the house.
"Your job here is to recover," Alan advised. "We don't want you to do any more than you're able. You still need lots of rest, and, of course, we have to go back to the doctor for a while to keep tabs on your progress."
With those words, Alan showed Bryan his room and suggested that he might want to rest due to the unaccustomed exertion the trip from the hospital had taken. In spite of his reluctance to return to a bed after so recently spending so much time in one, Bryan recognized the wisdom of the advice and sank down on the flat surface, closed his eyes and was soon asleep. So began Bryan's life in the home of Alan and Rich.
Days quickly passed for Bryan. While he was impatient to be fully recovered, he thoroughly enjoyed life with his two hosts. As soon as he was able, he began to take on small chores around the house to help. Rich was a kick! He was like a small puppy, who pounced around with almost fearless abandon, kidding Bryan and pulling small tricks on both his dad and their guest. In one of his calmer moments, Rich sat down with Bryan and they began talking. During the conversation, Rich revealed to Bryan that he too was gay. Bryan had wondered if that might be the case, but decided that he would never bring the subject up. That was for Rich to do, and only if he wanted. Rich also confessed that he had a boyfriend named Brandt who he'd kept away until he could tell Bryan. Bryan encouraged Rich not to let his being there interfere with their relationship and that he looked forward to meeting Brandt.
Bryan knew that Alan was gay too, but neither of his benefactors ever gave the slightest hint of impropriety toward Bryan. Even though the three young men would sometimes openly discuss their homosexuality, each continually showed their appreciation for each other as individuals, almost in spite of their common bond of sexuality. The caring that they casually displayed opened a door of acceptance that filled Bryan with the warmth of love and respect for these two young men.
Rich, of course, was a little devil. He was always getting into mischief and was a source of glee to that not much older guy, who was fast becoming a good friend. As time moved on, Bryan would often participate in the little pranks, much to the pretended chagrin of Rich's father. Alan was the stabilizing force in the home and offered a maturity that Bryan discovered he missed since leaving the home of his parents. The older man was carving a niche in Bryan's heart, demonstrating on a daily basis, a care and tenderness far beyond that which Bryan had ever experienced even with Jon. Both Alan and Bryan were attracted to each other, but both avoided even the slightest sexual innuendo or advance that might lead to disrupting their present status quo.
Bryan never even seriously considered approaching Alan in a sexual way. In spite of his finding Alan attractive, Bryan's platform of security was so tenuous that he shuddered at even considering `rocking the boat' in his temporary environment. As he recovered, he tried to show his appreciation for Alan by taking on tasks to make Alan's home life easier. Bryan took over doing the wash and helped with the cooking and dishes. He had always been a tidy person and as soon as he was able, took over the housecleaning chores, even cautiously and jokingly admonishing Rich, when he didn't pick-up after himself.
After living in the home of Alan and Rich for over two months, Alan asked Bryan if he would like to go with him to the grocery store. Bryan's casts and bandages had all been removed and he was regaining his strength, yet Bryan felt a natural reluctance to go out into the world with his new face and still weakened body. Alan was gently pushing his young friend back into the sunlight, Bryan realized. As they traveled to the store, Bryan marveled at the obviously intelligent and gentle man who always knew the right thing to do. Surprisingly, Bryan realized how much he himself had come to depend upon Alan's wisdom. Bryan recognized that, left to his own devices, he would not have progressed so well or so far in rebuilding his body and more importantly, his self-esteem. Bryan found himself with a great appreciation for Alan that went far beyond normal friendship. He declined to reveal his feelings toward the attractive man for fear that he might be overstepping the bounds of Alan's generosity
Alan found that he was thoroughly enjoying Bryan's stay. The warm companionship and returned caring that the younger man was eager to give filled a void in Alan's life which he had kept at bay previously by time-filling activity. He had dedicated his life to his work, his education, his son and making a home for them. He had shut out much opportunity for the inclusion of a companion in his life, reasoning that there would be time for that when Rich was grown. Bryan's interjection into their lives stirred Alan's mind into thinking beyond the shell that he had built around his private life. Alan began to think of the possibility that Bryan might remain and perhaps, even find a place in his heart for his older friend who found himself falling in love with the younger man.
Unknown to Bryan, Alan had taken on a mountain of debt for medical bills for his recovery. One morning, coming back from bringing in the mail, Bryan glanced at the bundle and recognized return addresses on envelopes from the hospital, from a lab, and from his doctor's office. Through the clear plastic opening, in one of the letters, he saw his name.
Returning back inside, and knowing that Alan had left for work, he opened the letter that carried his name. He was aghast at the staggering sum he found on the statement. He noted that there was a credit for two payments already made by Alan. Bryan tore open the other two envelopes, and was overwhelmed by what he found that was similar inside.
He sank to his knees and cried, realizing the sacrifice his friend was making on his behalf. Alan had never said a word, and Bryan now came to a full recognition of the full toll that had been committed to by his friend. Bryan felt an obligation that he was certain he could never repay. This debt was far more than just the mammoth heap of dollars that the bills represented. This obligation was for the love that the revelation represented. Bryan sat weeping in shame and in gratitude for the very being of his friend.
When Alan returned home from work late that night, he did not find Bryan. He reasoned that Bryan might have gone to bed since Alan's work schedule brought him home so late. Finding Bryan's bed empty, he continued on to his own room, only to find the young man asleep on the floor where his now peaceful face displayed evidence of shed tears. Alan saw the opened mail on his bed and immediately knew what had happened. He bent down and picked Bryan up without waking him. He returned to Bryan's room with his precious bundle, depositing the sleeping form onto his own bed. Pulling off Bryan's shoes, he covered the lithe body with a warm blanket and lightly kissed the young man's cheek.
During the following weeks neither man spoke of the incident, yet a closer bond grew that they both recognized, but that neither man would openly acknowledge. Bryan could not help but look at this wonderful man and thank the fates that brought them together. Alan, in spite of himself, found that, beyond any doubt or denial, he was falling in love with this younger man who filled his life with such joy.
Months passed and both men knew that Bryan's body was now healed and they both realized that this condition signaled that it was time for Bryan to move on. Neither man wanted this parting, but for personal reasons each refused to challenge Bryan's impending departure.
Bryan had nowhere to go, but he could not continue to accept Alan's charity and still retain some sense of self-dignity. He felt certain that he could make it again on the streets, but looked with dread at leaving this warm haven to face the city alone.
Alan knew that he had fallen in love with Bryan, a young man many years his junior. How could Bryan return the love felt by this older man, that he himself would have shunned at Bryan's age? Alan's heart was burdened with doubt.
The evening before Bryan's scheduled departure, Alan found Bryan dejectedly sitting on the living room sofa. Approaching his saddened friend and summoning up all his courage, Alan knelt before the young man and took Bryan's hands into his own.
Looking directly into Bryan's beautiful dark eyes, he began simply, but tenderly, "Bryan, I want you to stay! Say you'll be mine."
Bryan looked back into the eyes of this wonderful man, knowing that the statement went far beyond his simply remaining as a guest. Alan was asking Bryan to be his mate! Bryan was in a state of blissful shock! He loved this man more than he had ever admitted even to himself, but here he was being asked for his hand as a life partner! Bryan only knew that he desperately needed time to consider this life-changing proposal. His eyes filled with tears.
"Alan, you know how much I care for you. Please, I just need some time to think this out." Bryan begged.
"Alright," Alan responded in an almost dejected voice. "How much time do you need?"
"I'll decide now, tonight," the younger man answered quietly. "I just need some time to be sure of this and to make certain that my decision is right... for the both of us. It wouldn't be fair or right to leave you hanging...Just know that whatever my decision is, I care for you more than I can express... and that I'm eternally grateful for all you've done for me."
"I'll be in my room awaiting your answer," Alan said with a hopeful look, a look that held the promise of a future for both men as partners and lovers. With that said, Alan kissed Bryan's hands, then rose and ascended the stairway to his room.
Epilogue
Bryan remained on the sofa, almost motionless for the two hours since Alan had departed. The memories of his entire life coursed through his brain, bringing him to this pivotal point in his life. He debated whether his feelings for Alan were of gratitude, a feeling of obligation, of just admiration or a selfish need for the security that the older man offered. His feelings were strong for this handsome man and he knew that his decision had to be made on more than just the strong physical attraction he had at last allowed himself to recognize. He knew that a decision to stay would mean the end of the "no obligation" carefree existence that he had known earlier, but now he was coming to realize that with acceptance of those obligations came the commitment of love and the sharing of the bad times as well as the good with his partner. He looked at his open back pack near the outside door as he made his irrevocable decision.
Bryan stood. He moved to the backpack and grasping it by the straps, he opened the hall closet door depositing it on the floor of the closet. Then quietly closing the door that now separated him from his worldly possessions; he turned and started up the stairway to begin a new life. A life with the man he now knew he loved more than life itself.
The End of the beginning, and the beginning of a life of love
John Tucker (aka JET)