Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com. Copyright 2006
Rip Tide Chapter 10: The Moviegoers II
(Hayden's point of view)
I was crossing the campus park, looking for Matt We didn't specify at which bench to meet, and I was cursing myself not being more careful about that. Matt has not been around here long enough to know that there is actually two parts of the campus park, divided by Physical Ed complex. Luckily, when I turned around the corner, I spotted him. He was engulfed in conversation on his cell phone, walking back and forth as people usually do when they are on the phone. On the bench next to him was my jacket, neatly folded. I slowed down, approaching him. I didn't want to intrude in his conversation, so I stayed on the other side of concrete slab where the benches were located. He turned around and spotted me, stopping short in the middle of the sentence. With the corner of his mouth he smiled at me and his eyes went wide, like he was glad to see me. He immediately tried to finish the conversation, but I signaled him that its all right and I have plenty of time. This was my usual time after the Chem class when I go out to get something to eat; today I grabbed a sandwich from cafeteria and gulped it down on my way here, almost in a rush. As I was standing there, I overheard him finishing his phone conversation.
"...Aha...love you too. Bye"
That simple sentence stung me like knife. So it is true - I was right about him having a girlfriend. Matt finished his phone conversation and turned to me, with a smile on his face. I tried my best to hide my disappointment.
" 'Sup, man." I greeted him.
"Hi Hayden...um, Nicky." he responded, still smiling.
I returned the smile. He looked different this morning. It was not just the sun being too bright. He was looking more pale than usual.
"You look tired," I continued.
"Yeah...from the party last night." he sighed.
"It looks like you had good time."
He smiled again, but faintly. Something was not adding up in this picture.
"No, its not like that...the party was in my quad downstairs. I didn't go." He looked away, like he was embarrassed with that statement.
"Oh. Not your crowd?" I looked at him.
"Not really...it was the wrestling team celebrating. I don't know anybody there," he continued.
"Yeah, it can be boring if you are alone in a crowd." He glanced at me, looking like he was surprised with my comment.
"My girlfriend thinks that I should go. She said that this is a chance for me to experience all this 'college life style' and all the jazz," he sparkled his answer with animation of quotation marks in the air. I almost smiled at his sarcasm, but something clouded that sensation.
Girlfriend. There, he said it. Now I know for sure. The sinking feeling that I had earlier just got worse. I had to use a lot of mental strength to shove it deeper in my mind, since I couldn't deal with something like that right now.
"Well, she is right...its now or never to get that behind you. College parties are something that you will remember later."
He glanced at me again, this time little longer.
"It sounds like you know a thing or two about those."
"Yeah...been to couple of them...long time ago." I smiled, not even looking at him. Some memories came back to me. It seemed now that it was a very long time ago. Different time, and a different lifestyle. I got lost in my thoughts for a second. Back then, life seemed less complicated. Partying, drinking, doing stupid stuff - it was all in the name of a good time. It seemed so distant and insignificant now. Now I had whole different set of worries.
And most of them are right in front of me, dressed in faded jeans and gray sweatshirt.
I snapped back to reality, to find that Matt is looking at me. But he wasn't just looking. He was devouring me with his gaze. Our eyes locked.
Time stood still. Neither of us moved, nor said anything. It was amazing. The total lost of control, the feeling of the world disappearing around me, the incredible depth of Matt's eyes - it all become one in that moment. I couldn't move. It was like he captured me with his gaze, penetrating to the core of my being. I become aware of every little detail in his eyes, every shape change in his irises that he was piercing me with. My chest started to ache. I wanted to get close to him, to touch him, to...
I realized that ache in my chest is coming from lack of oxygen. I inhaled raggedly, breaking the silence. The moment of silence between us became awkward. I decided to break it up, masking my still ragged breathing.
" Well, I better be off now. I still have some stuff that I need to go over before my class." I leaned back, reaching for my backpack. Matt was not looking at me anymore. I could swear that he was embarrassed with what happened.
"Yeah, um...let me get your jacket." He stood up and turned around rather quickly, like he was trying to hide something. He grabbed my jacket and turned around, facing me again.
"Um, thanks again for the jacket...it was really cold last night," he said, offering it back to me.
"No problem, I'm glad that you got home back ok," I responded. The awkward moment has passed, and I was hoping that normal conversation was settling back in. I took the jacket from him, accidentally wrapping my hand around his fingers. I could swear that his hand twitched. He looked me in obvious surprise, but I decided not to show any knowledge of it. I could feel that I was getting lightheaded, and I needed to get away, to clear my thoughts.
But Matt was still looking at me. I could feel his gaze as I was placing my jacket under the flap in the backpack and securing it with a strap. I didn't want to look at him again. I realized that something was happening, something that was out of my control. It was again that feeling of distant train that was coming in a hurry, like an avalanche. My chest started to feel cramped again. I stalled as long as I could, buying several seconds that didn't get me anywhere close to stop feeling anxious. Then I had to look at him again.
He was still looking at me in the same state of surprise, almost shocked. His blue eyes were making very slight motions, like he was studying something very carefully on my face. I had to say something. This was getting too odd. I manage to compose myself enough for a civilized sentence.
"Ok, I'll be off now."
He was still looking at me, but I could see a change in his eyes. They become darker, like there was overcast of clouds. This was too much for me.
"Matt, are you ok?"
Like he was waking from a dream, he slowly regained his senses. Something was definitively wrong here. You don't need to be an expert to see that something was bothering him. Was it something that I said? Anxiety surged in me again. Just when I was about to open my mouth again, he replied.
"Yeah....sorry. I just...I..." his voice trailed off. He sighed, snapped his eyesight from me, and grabbed his backpack.
I couldn't let him leave like that. I wanted to know was it something that I said or did that set him off. It was tearing me inside that I got him upset. Without thinking, I extended my hand to his shoulder. It was spontaneous motion that caught even me by surprise.
"Matt...if something is bothering you...you can always count on me for a help." I didn't know what else to say.
He looked back at me, with strange mixture of unease and relief. I could feel that he is relaxing under my hand.
"Thanks, Hayden. I'm fine, really. Its just I had lot on my mind lately, that's all."
I took my hand off his shoulder, and smiled at him. I knew he was not telling me everything, but I was not about to press the issue. I was burning inside from worry that it was me who set him off, but there was nothing that I could do right now regarding that. It would only make things worse if I start to scratch below that surface.
"Cool. If you need anything, call me, okay?" I managed to give him encouraging smile that actually made him smile back
"Okay."
I gave him quick pat on the back and walked away. My emotions were started to ripple inside me again, and this time I decided to split before I do something impulsive again. I realized that when I placed my hand on his shoulder I was only step away of hugging him. To hold him close to me, to run my fingers though his hair, and to look into those incredible eyes up close.
The thought of that made me shudder. As much as I wanted to hug Matt at that moment, it would probably scare him away. I realized that I am not able to control myself when I'm in his presence anymore. That thought made me so uncomfortable that I had to physically shake my head and actually break into the light run. Jogging made me feel a little better, but I knew what I was doing.
I was running away.
(Matt's point of view)
This time I couldn't suppress tears anymore. They flowed freely from my eyes. I quickly wiped them away, but next ones followed, rolling down my cheeks. I angrily rubbed my eyes with sleeve of my sweatshirt, and defiantly looked in the distance, in opposite direction where Hayden has disappeared. I could feel the desperation overtaking me. At the same time I felt lonely and empty like I never felt before.
When I was coming here at the beginning of the semester, I felt that I was alone, but this was different. This was feeling that I had no one to turn to and no one to confide in. In middle of campus full of life and other students walking around, I felt like I was on deserted island.
I reached behind me, not even realizing what I was looking for. I thought that I was searching for my backpack, but than I realized that I am actually looking for Hayden's jacket. Tears started to well in my eyes again. Last night when I was snuggling with Hayden's jacket I felt connected to him, as almost as he was there with me. I knew it was just a fantasy, and that it was pure fiction, but it made me feel good. Now that was gone. I felt so stupid looking for it, like a child that was looking for a pacifier. I immediately though of Linus' obsession with his blanket, but I didn't laugh. I felt I like I was loosing it.
I sat on the bench for the next half an hour. Earlier I was planning to get something to eat, but I wasn't hungry anymore. This whole morning came back to me like ton of bricks.
Earlier I called Hayden and we talked briefly, mostly about school stuff. He suggested a meeting place and the time that worked for both of us. After my first period class, I hurried to where we were to meet. I was anxious to see him again. Previous night had left me exhausted. The party was going on well into the early morning, and despite trying to drown the noise my listening to my MP3 player, I still couldn't go to sleep.
I woke up late for class and with headache, and had to rush to the morning class. So afterward when I arrived at our meeting place, I was actually hoping for some peace and quiet. Than, my mom called and I got entangled in conversation with her.
She noticed that I sounded tired. I told her that the dorm life was not all it should be. She would talk to dad about me getting a room off the campus.
That gave me hope that I might have a somewhat normal life here. Of course, she was all concern about me living alone; both of us knew that there would be no more "Little Mathew" in the family. It was time for me to move on. And than she asked me about my all-important social life...I hinted that I made some friends and quickly changed the subject back to renting a room. We were still talking about that when I noticed that Hayden is standing several feet away, leaning on one of park tables.
I turned away from him, closing my eyes. I had to concentrate hard on my phone conversation with mom. The image of him, leaning on the table with his long legs crossed, and arms folded in front of his chest was distracting me. While I was trying to finish conversation with my mom, a picture of his face, basking in the sun, was imprinted on the inside of my eyelids. I finished conversation rather quickly and we said our byes.
In the first minute of conversation he noticed that I was exhausted. I made some remarks about dorm life and constant parties, and than I noticed that he kinda drifted away. He was looking somewhere in the distance, with that expression on his face that people would have when they are deep into their thoughts. It only lasted for brief moment or two, but it moved something in me.
It was like a tidal wave, rushing from somewhere inside me, wanting to burst out. I found myself being captivated with his face, studying the profile of his nose, his jaw line and the beautiful tan of his skin. I was taking in every little detail on him. His full lips were slightly open, only adding to their appeal. Refined line of the eyebrows, which made his eyes look deep and dark. The line of his jaw, that was so masculine and straight, framing his face so perfectly. There was a slight trace of a scar alongside his left cheek that I had never noticed before. I was so engulfed in his features that when he turned around and looked me again, I couldn't look away. His eyes pierced me. It was like he had fire inside of them, a blaze that was burning right into my core.
All that existed in that moment was Hayden's presence, right there in front of me. Not his jacked or the smell of his cologne. It was no a fantasy. It was very real, physical presence that I could touch, that I could embrace, and that I could be the part of. And my whole body was opening up to him.
The sensation of falling came over me. Like I was standing on the edge, and being drawn to him. It was so strong that I realized that I am actually getting close to him. I couldn't look away. I couldn't breathe. I felt the heat coming into my cheeks.
He took a breath and pulled himself away. In an instant, the whole moment shattered. I felt physical pain in my chest. It felt like he was pulling a part of me away with him, ripping something out of my body.
I realized that tears are welling in my eyes, so I jumped on my feet and turned away from him. I cannot let this happen. I just can't. I cannot break down right there in front of him.
I quickly wiped my eyes, concealing that motion by reaching for his jacket that still lay on the bench behind me. I started to yell in my head:
"STOP IT! You cannot have him! Pull yourself together! Stop it, stop it, stop it!"
I turned around, giving him the jacket. I managed to mumble something, not even hearing his response. My ears were ringing and I could feel beating of my heart all the way in my temples. I didn't dare to look straight at him anymore. I just wanted to give him his jacket and run away. Anxiety was almost making me nauseous. I just wanted to leave. I cannot be here anymore. Not next to him. I cannot have him.
He reached for his jacket and touched my hand with his. It felt like electric shock, overloading my senses in a whole new direction. Like in some primal response, my mind started screaming warning messages:
"You cannot touch him! You cannot have him! Run! You need to get away from him. Touching him will only bring trouble. You cannot have him."
If I could move, I would probably run. Instead, I was standing there, watching him carefully packing his jacket in his backpack. I couldn't tear my eyesight from display of his muscular forearms and lats that were protruding through his white t-shirt while he was closing the backpack. It was mesmerizing, and I could only stand there, enchanted.
Then he stood up and looked at me. I was still feeling lightheaded, with my brain still sending me warning messages.
"You cannot have him."
He said something, but it took me a second to take that in.
"Matt, are you okay?"
I looked at him, realizing that he figured that something is going on with me. I forgot how perceptive Hayden was. My mind raced to find a way to conceal as best as possible the nervous breakdown that I almost had.
I managed to sputter some lame excuse about having lot on my mind. In an essence that was true, so I didn't feel like I was lying to him. He cannot find out. I don't want him to find out. I cannot lay this burden on his shoulders. This is something that I will figure out on my own. I cannot have him and I will found a way to get over it.
I finally managed to move, so I grabbed my backpack from the ground and swung it on my shoulder. He was still looking at me, with such a concern in his eyes that I could only steal glances in his direction. I knew it that if I look at him again, I would break down.
But than he leaned closer, and very gently placed his left hand on my shoulder. Looking me straight into the eyes, he said:
"Matt, if something is bothering you, you can always count on me for help."
I could feel my heart melting. This cannot be happening.
He said the perfect words at perfect time. I felt like I was an open book for him. The only thing that was wrong with this picture was that support that I needed was not the support that I could get from him. That was the messed up part. He was willing to help me in any way that he can, but I couldn't let him. And it was tearing me apart.
"You cannot have him."
Another warning came from my brain, this time in the right moment. I managed to get a grip on myself to give some meaningful answer to Hayden. He gave me another long, steady look, and then he split.
When he left I more collapsed than sat on the bench. It felt like I had been run over by a steamroller. I was so exhausted that I started to shake. It was warm and sunny day, but I was still shaking like I was cold. I buried my eyesight in the concrete in front of me and clasped my hands together, holding them in between my knees. I had a strange sensation of emptiness in my head. Like I have been drained of all emotions and energy that I had in me.
"This is not good, Matthew" I said to myself. There are only two things that I could do to try to fix this problem.
I could either make myself be in more control, or...
Or tell Hayden how I really felt about him.
(Hayden's point of view)
"C'mon Hayden, focus!" I said to myself. I was trying to reach over into engine compartment of my '95 Fleetwood to plug back in one of vacuum hoses and in doing that I skinned the back of my hand. The car used to belong to the owner of the house, and I made a deal with him when I started to rent the house so I bought the Cadillac from him as well. The car has been a constant project for me for the previous two years. I was pleased with luxury and feel of the big car, and soon enough I made some modification to the engine to make it really fast. The only problem is I had to constantly maintain this or that, making this my favorite pastime. Or in this case, least favorite. Thankfully I had my white Golf as reliable vehicle for school. And when I wanted to go really fast I had my bike parked next to the Caddy.
I came to garage this afternoon to get my mind in check. Sometime messing with mechanical things can do wonders for your mind. It was almost like session with psychiatrist, only much cheaper. And a shrink would have a field day with me. I smiled silently, as I was comparing mechanical stuff with psychology. I imagined fictional conversation with a shrink-mechanic:
"...First thing that we are going to do, Mr. Faulkner, is to take your brain apart and to figure out which part is messing up the whole body. Then we are going to replace it, re-assemble everything back together, fine tune it and let it test run before you are released back to the public. You can get off the work bench now."
I sighed. I wish it was that easy. Then, at least I would know what to do, instead letting this situation run havoc over me. Meeting with Matt confirmed my suspicion. I am not able to get myself in check to act normal when I'm near him.
Matt.
I leaned on the bumper and let my mind wander. After hours of working in the garage this afternoon, I was still unsure of what I am feeling for him. And even worse, what should I do about it.
I knew that I have strong emotions for that boy. Only an idiot wouldn't recognize that. But am I fooling myself and letting something that is only affection leading me on? Is this just some brotherly love that I have never experienced? I was the only child: I do have a stepbrother, but he was in Wisconsin with his real mom, and we barely have met twice. Maybe I'm having some strange form of mid-life crisis?
I sighed again and wiped grease off my hands, realizing that it was almost time for me to get ready. Courtney and I were going to the movies tonight, and I was sure that she wouldn't appreciate to have engine grease on her clothes. And I guess I should dress up a little. Girls appreciate things like that. I hit the shower and got ready.
Couple hours later, Courtney and I met in front of the theater. She was in very good mood, constantly cracking jokes on which I couldn't suppress the laughter. She didn't have any problem telling me the raunchiest blonde jokes that I have ever heard; even people around us were laughing. We had to wait outside for a while to get the tickets; she wanted to see "the Da Vinci Code". There was a line for that one. It was getting cold, and she snuggled next to me. I embraced her in a hug, feeling strangely odd about it. Soon we were inside, snuggling next to each other while walking and sharing the popcorns. She was still chatting and telling me some dirty stories about one of our professors. I didn't know where she got all the information, but it was juicy stuff involving the town mayor and a pair of handcuffs. As we were walking down the theater's hall, with Courtney chatting in my ear, I looked a side and almost choked on popcorn.
Matt was standing on the side of the hallway, with some newspapers in his hand. But that was not what stopped me. He looked...horrified. His blue eyes were wide open, and his handsome mouth was hanging half open. He collected himself in instant; his eyes blinked and he waved to me, as he hurried himself down the corridor. I was looking after him, still in awe, not even knowing what happened. Courtney noticed that something happened.
"Do you know him?"
"Yeah...he goes to our school..." I answered, still looking down the hall.
"He looked like someone who has seen a ghost." Courtney commented.
I nodded with my head, agreeing with her. Matt had disappeared from my view, but I was still totally confused with his reaction. What a hell made him look like that? I was musing over that for several minutes, not finding an answer to that puzzle.
After the movie was over, we walked in silence towards her car. I didn't know why she was insisting on driving when theater was only ten minutes away from her place, but she commented that she felt more secured that way. I felt obligated to offer to pick her up next time, and she gladly agreed. Only than I realized that I was setting another date with her. I realized that too late, and she was already making plans for the next Friday. We stood next to her car, and she hugged me, reaching her hands under my jacket and placing the palms of her hands on my back. For some reason that didn't feel right. I begun to feel trapped, and I started to feel uncomfortable. I managed to stay calm, but a feeling of uneasiness intensified inside me.
"Hayden, you are so warm," she murmured, with her head buried against my chest. I keep her embraced in my arms, but I realized something. Despite that I had numerous girls in my arms like that in the past years, this time it was making me restless. Normally I would quickly put a move on a girl in this moment: it was a perfect time for the first kiss. We were alone, and I knew that she would welcome an advance from me. But her hands around my body were stirring an uncertainty that I never felt before. I felt claustrophobic and apprehensive. I wanted to leave. Now.
What is wrong with me?
"Courtney, I have to leave."
"What?" She was genuinely surprised. She looked up to me, with question on her face. I looked down to her, stroking her hair. She needed an explanation, but I couldn't give one to her.
"I just need more time for this," I said finally.
She tightened her lips a bit, than looked away.
"Please tell me that you are not dating some other girl," she said with hurt in her voice.
I sighed. This is so complicated that even I cannot explain to myself, let alone to her.
"No, Courtney, I am not seeing any other girl. I told you that right now I am not willing to get involved with anybody. It has nothing to do with you. I like you a lot, but I need time to fix myself. All right?"
She looked at me, with mixture of relief and puzzle. This is the second person in two days that is giving me this look. What is going on?
"Ok, I understand. I guess I should appreciate your honesty about how are you feeling, but you are confusing the heck out of me."
"I know...believe me, confusion is only thicker on my side."
"Wow, whatever happened to you must really messed you up," she said with question on her face.
"No, it's not that bad, really. I just want some time on my own, that's it." I replied smiling down at her. She smiled back.
"Ok, but I have to tell you that you better make up your mind. Girl can only wait for so long." she said with a smile, and then swiftly kissed me on the lips. It happened so fast that I didn't have a chance to react. She was already pulling her hands out of my jacket when I summon my response.
"Whoa...how I'm supposed to sleep quietly now?" I said with a smirk.
"You are not...that's the whole point," she said and than opened her car and jumped in. I shook my head in mock disbelief. She started the engine and gave me the devilish grin before she drove away.
I zipped my jacket and started to walk back towards my car. After a second, I decided to take a quick walk. I was not in the mood to go back home yet. There were still some things that I needed to clear in my mind, so I crossed the street and turned towards the park. Although it was dark already, the park had lights and some vendors at the entrance. I could go for some popcorn right now, I thought.
As I was walking on one of paths winding around neatly trimmed bushes, I saw a silhouette of a person sitting on one of the benches. The outline suggested it was a man straddling the bench, since the shoulders were broad and he look tall. I didn't feel particularly in any danger, but you never know. This is still a lonely place at dark, despite that it was only 8:30 pm. As I approached, I realized that the person is much younger than your average bum; he was holding his face propped with his fists, keeping his elbows on his knees. He looked like he is deep in his thoughts. I decided not to pay attention. He obviously came in here for the same reason as I was. As I was almost next to him, I stole the last glance at his face.
It was Matt!
After my initial shock, I quickly weighed my options. Should I just continue to walk pass him? He must have heard that someone is walking towards him. If I don't continue, he will look up and he will recognize me. If I just keep on walking, he probably won't recognize me. Maybe that will be better, since he is obviously seeking solitude. My mind was racing with options.
(Matt's point of view)
It was happening again. It was Friday night, and despite being only 5 pm, the music was already thumping through thin dorm walls. I closed my Bio lab manual. This is pointless. I need to concentrate in order to finish this paper, and it is due Monday morning. And being Friday, the library is already closed. Pissed, I grabbed my cell phone. My parents should be the first one to endure my rage. Besides, both of them had their own rooms while they were in college; concept of the dorm life was not familiar to them.
Impatiently, I waited for one of them to pickup the phone. It was my dad who got it first.
"Dad, this is unbearable! There is another party, and it is starting right now! It's not even 6 pm!"
"Well, good evening to you too, Matt. I am glad that you are calling to see how are we're doing," although he smirked, he was serious. I toned down my voice immediately.
"Sorry, but this is getting out of hand. I cannot get any sleep anymore! I got to find a room somewhere else. Far, far away, somewhere else." I shouted.
"Ok, I talked to your mom. You do understand that we have limited funds for all of this. Had you picked a local University like we discussed..." I didn't let him finish.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know all about your alumni connections back home. But I told you, I would rather go somewhere where I can actually learn something." I poked at him. University in my hometown was not the greatest, and it was geared towards athletes and their sport achievements, not the academics. But thinking of it now, it seems that my current University is no different than one back home.
"Let me finish! Your mother and I have discussed the plan of you renting a place of your own. We figured out that if you can keep your expenses below $500 a month for boarding, we could swing the rest."
"Really? Dad, that's great news! Oh, thank you so much, guys! I'm gonna start searching tomorrow! Holly cow, this is gonna be great! A place of my own!"
"Hey, hey, hey, settle down young man. That comes with some responsibilities. We want to see good grades, not constant parties."
"Dad, the parties are something that I'm trying to get away from...let me worry about the grades."
We talked some more, and than I hung up. I was ecstatic! I will have my own place! I quickly got dressed and got out. I had to get a paper or a renter's guide.
On the corner of the main street I found a newsstand that had what I was looking for. The clerk was helpful. He gave me bunch of fliers that also had rooms and apartments for rent. I thumbed through them quickly, and my initial enthusiasm quickly disappeared. All of the prices were too much for my parents to afford. Rent and the food would be well over my spending limit. I was already budgeting a lot of my expenses, but this was too much. I sighed.
"Now what?" I asked myself. It looked like I would have to deal with the dorm life for a long time. I stood up and started to walk down the main street. My stroll lead me to the movie theater, the same one that Hayden and I went to couple nights ago.
"Well, I got couple hours to kill, and sure as hell I cannot study back in my room, so why not," I said to myself as I entered. I got the ticket and got in among first group of people. That gave me a chance to pick a seat that was on the side of auditorium. That way I won't feel as crowded as usual. But I didn't count on the fact that I forgot to go to the restroom before I set down.
"Oh well, I guess better now then when movie starts," I said to myself.
Exiting the restroom, I placed all my newspapers with adds in one neat fold. I didn't wanted to lose any so I can comb through them later. Just I finished and moved back to the theater, I spotted Hayden.
My heart started racing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see Hayden here; it was a small town after all. But holding him around his waist was really pretty blond girl. I felt my chest cramping again, just as two days ago when we met in school's park. Just when I thought that I couldn't get more hurt, it happened.
Hayden spotted me. His face fell for a brief moment; it was barely noticeable, but the movement was there. I managed to wave him as I almost ran in the opposite direction.
I entered another theater without even realizing that it was not the same one where I was minutes ago. I had to get away. I found an empty seat and collapsed in it.
My vision became blurry again. Why did I even think that he wouldn't have a girlfriend? Just because he never mentioned one, doesn't mean that he is single. Or gay. And on top of that, it sure as heck doesn't mean that he is interested in me. I forgot how private Hayden is; even after seeing him on several occasions, I really don't know much about his personal life. So where did I get this idea about him being interested in me at all?
"Stupid, stupid, stupid." I repeated to myself angrily. I did it again. I let my imagination play games with me. When I will learn? Didn't Mary say the same thing? Did I listen?
"Stupid...stupid...SO damn stupid!" I couldn't stop repeating myself. The movie started, but I couldn't concentrate. I didn't even know which movie was it that I was watching. It just became a blur of colors on front of me. I realized that I'm getting teary again, for the third time in the last week or so. This was really getting me upset - I am not a crybaby and I haven't cried in years, and all of the sudden it was like someone turned the faucet on. In frustration, I left the theater.
I walked around the block for several minutes to clear my thoughts when I spotted the park across the street. Mindlessly I wandered into it. It was peaceful and calm in there. The paths were covered with leaves and sunset was painting everything orange. I sat on one of the benches.
The image of Hayden hugging that blonde girl came back to my head. My fists clenched, involuntarily. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I still was. For a moment I didn't knew where the anger was coming from, but than it came upon me. I was feeling strong antagonism towards that blonde. I realized that it was jealousy that was making me jaded. Despite the fact that I knew that it was childish and immature, I hated that girl in that moment. I also hated to admit something else to myself. The picture of her hand around Hayden's waist, her head leaned on his shoulder as they walked slowly down the theater's hall...it was idyllic. I couldn't think of it otherwise.
I knew what I wanted to be different in that scene. I wanted Hayden to be like that with me. To feel his strong hand around my shoulder, and my hand around his waist. Except that was fantasy, nothing but fiction. I knew that I was wrong. Hayden belonged in that setting. Gorgeous boy with a pretty girl - isn't it the way it supposed to be?
"They make such a beautiful couple." I mused, disheartened. The image of two of them was so perfect. There was no place for me in that scene.
The more I was thinking about it, the more I become frustrated. I knew it was very stupid of me to even have hope of getting somewhere with Hayden, and now I was getting burned. And it hurt.
"Stupid...so stupid." I repeated to myself again, feeling tears coming back on me. Mary was right, damnit. My lacks of experience lead me into this mess. I tried to reason with my emotions, but I was getting nowhere. It still felt as a painful cramp in my chest that made by breathing difficult. And at the same time it felt like something was missing in there.
I sighed and looked up. It was dark already. The bench that I was sitting under had a light above it, so it made a circle of light around me in stark contrast with dark sky. I must have been sitting here for good hour or so. The trouble is I didn't want to go back to my dorm. I knew that noisy environment would only add to my aggravation now. The park was tranquil and it was perfect place for me right now, and I felt strange exhaustion that was holding me still. I leaned forward and I saw that I still have all the newspapers in front of me.
"I guess I should read through these," I pondered and opened one of them. But my mind wandered again before I even got to the end of the first page. The image of Hayden from the movie hall came to my mind again. This time I remembered seeing that underneath his jacket he had a dressy shirt, nicely buttoned and tucked in, making him look classy. The jealousy in me gave another sting.
He dressed up this time...for her.
Then I heard footsteps behind me. I didn't even realized what felt strange about it, until they got close, when it dawned on me that nobody actually passed by me all this time while I was sitting here. In an instant I realized that it is very late, in part of the town that I don't know nothing about. The anxiety upsurge in me. I didn't have much money on me, and a though of running away crossed my mind. But I was glued to the bench like all the energy was drained from me. With all that, I could hear that footsteps are slowing down, and than stopped, right next to me.
I lifted my head. A familiar, warming sense came upon me.
"Nicky." I whispered, without turning.
(Hayden's point of view)
"May I sit next to you?" I asked Matt.
"Sure," he whispered. His voice was crackly, like he just woke up. I straddled the bench sitting opposite from him. For a moment neither of us spoke. It was clear to me that this moment carried more than usual socializing. It hung in the air, like heavy curtain above us. I was looking at him, but his eyesight was buried in newspapers in front of him. I couldn't see his eyes. I knew something was going on. His whole posture spelled worry and concern. I wanted to help him out, but at the same time I knew that I have to be careful with this boy. Our previous meeting in the park left me thinking that it is me who made him uncomfortable, and that was tearing me inside. I wanted to find out what was it that I said or did to make him upset and hurt.
"Looking for a place to rent?" I asked, as gently as I could. He nodded his head, still not looking at me.
"Anything interesting yet?" I continued. I felt like I was pressuring him, the second sentence in the conversation. All of the sudden, I felt like I'm prying into his privacy. What a hell I'm doing? Maybe he wants to be left alone here. Why else he would be sitting here if not wanting to be left alone? I was already about to tell him that I'll leave him alone, when he answered back, almost in a whisper:
"No, not really. Its...Places that I see here are too expensive for me."
His answer made me settle back on the bench. It made a world of difference - he does want to talk to me after all.
"Yeah, the rooms in the town are pricey."
We sat in silence for another moment, and than he lifted his head. He didn't look at me, he just look around. I looked at him, worried. I was dying to ask him what was wrong, but I knew that wouldn't be best way to communicate with him right now.
"Another party at the quad?" I asked.
His eyes snapped at me in a surprise.
"How did you know?" he was looking at me, interested.
"Well, its Friday; generally every Friday someone is targeting your dorm for a party. Then there's you, looking for a place to rent, since you cannot get any sleep at your dorm. And my ex roommate is going to a dorm party tonight, so it was easy to draw conclusion." I finished.
He smiled at me. I couldn't believe my luck! I made him smile - that was a huge positive reinforcement for me at this moment.
"Well, you got me. I am looking for a room, but it seems that I am doomed to live in a party town for a while. I spoke with my parents and all the rooms around here are just too much." he finished.
"Let me guess...you only looked in local newspapers." I asked him. He looked me with a question in his eyes. I continued on:
"All the rooms and apartments in downtown area are too expensive. The trick is to look in suburbs. Often you will find families that are renting spare rooms for half of the price that you will find down here."
He looked like I just gave him the key to treasure chest. His eyes went wide, and his whole face lit up with interest.
"Really? Wow, that is great news! Thank you so much, man! You just made a world of difference to me! I already gave up on idea that I would ever have a civilized life here."
"No problem. The only thing is you have to have a car, since all of the suburbs are several miles away from campus."
"Yeah, I have a car...it's nothing special, but it will get me there," he nodded his head.
"What you need to do is go north. You can either take highway 16 or state road 80; both of them have developments along side of them. Then pick up local ads in a local store or coffee shop, and go from there."
"Wow...that never crossed my mind," he said, looking at me. I raised my finger to my mouth.
"Yeah but shhhh...it has to be our secret." He chuckled at that. It made me smile too. The feeling of heaviness that was hanging in the air earlier was gone now, and it was getting replaced with relaxed sensation of autumn evening.
"Feel better now?" I asked. He looked at me with compassion before he answered.
"Yes, a bunch. I... I owe you an apology for my behavior earlier." He continued, turning his eyes towards his hands again.
I remained silent. I didn't know where he is actually going with this. Apology? An apology for...what?
He looked at me again, seeing me giving him a puzzled look. That seemed to confused him even more, and he stumbled:
"Yeah, I mean...um...for..." his voice gave up on him and he buried his eyesight in front of him again.
I paused briefly before I answered.
"Matt, you don't have to apologize...everybody has it rough first couple weeks here."
He was still looking at his hands. This time he was shuffling them, like he was getting more and more nervous. For a moment I thought that he will stop talking to me again, but then he lifted his head and looked at me straight in the eyes.
"It seems that you are always magically here to come to my aid every time I need help. And somehow I manage to be a jerk to you on every single occasion." He finished and lowered his eyes again.
"Matt, honestly...I haven't noticed any of those situations, if you want to call them like that. I think that you are a great person, and I have hard time seeing you as being a jerk. Besides, if you would pull something like that on me, I'll be the first one to tell you that." I finished, somewhat confused.
What a hell is he talking about? Being a jerk? I don't understand. Several times he expressed insecurity around me; is that what he is referring to? I become puzzled and interested at the same time.
He was still looking at his hands when he responded, this time little louder. "Its just that...I...somehow I always manage to say or do something stupid when I'm around you. Just like that time I knocked you over at the school."
"Wow, you still remember that? I mean, I didn't forget it, but that is so...not important." I finished. He didn't respond, so I continued:
"Matt...you have a lot of things happened to you lately. We have all been through it. You left home, left everyone you care for behind, and came to strange place filled with strangers. Plus you started new school, which is the most important thing that you'll do for yourself in the next couple years. That is a huge responsibility. That takes courage. It is not easy, and it always takes time to get used to it and to get over initial stress. It will become much easier...especially when you get to know folks that you can share the stress with. Right now you might not know too many of them, but you will meet people around here and it will become easier," I finished.
There was a pause where he lifted his eyesight towards me for a moment and lowered it down again.
"I met you..." his voice was whisper again.
My heart went to him. I was the only one who he can think of, and that filled me with strange mixture of satisfaction and unease.
"Um...I hope that's a good thing." I said, kinda confused.
He laughed silently for a second; it was more of gesture of his shoulders than actual laugh, but it made me feel better. He continued:
"Yes...I am very grateful that I can call you my friend. It is definitively much easier to be around here and knowing that I know someone."
He shot me a brief smile and than he continued: " Its just that ever since I came here something has changed in my life, and I cannot figure out what to do. It is messing me up to that point that I do not know what to do anymore. Its like my mind is not listening to me at all anymore."
He paused, than spoke again: "When I was back home, a lot of things were kinda set in their place. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt like it was always like that, and it will never change...nor it should change. It was comforting. Now I came here, and all of the sudden I have this thing in me," - he placed his hand on his chest- "...that I never knew it was there before. And it scares me, since all of the sudden I do things that I never dreamed of doing and I'm feeling all messed up inside."
I was looking at him, not making a sound. He sighed and continued.
"And that is what is scaring me. I feel all fucked up inside, since I don't know what to do or where this whole situation is going to take me. Back home I never had that problem. Here, its like different planet and I cannot get the grip on how to do normal things anymore."
I remained silent. He lifted his head again, but he was looking somewhere aside, into the darkness.
" I met someone, and it kinda changed a lot of things for me."
Now I was totally confused. I couldn't see where is he going with all this. Has he fall in love with different girl, and don't know how to break up with the one back home? It sounded like the most reasonable description. I felt that I need something to say:
"This person...is it someone that you care about a lot?"
He nodded his head, and quickly continued "Yeah, but the problem is I cannot...we cannot be together. That is what is tearing me apart. It is kinda one of those 'Romeo and Juliet' kinda things, except it goes only one-way. My 'Juliet'," - he made those phony quotation marks with his fingers- "doesn't know about me and my feelings. And that has to remain that way."
I nodded. It become a little clearer, even if he didn't disclosed too much information. I knew that he wouldn't tell me anything more than that, but that was enough for me. Now it became clear to me why he had those "dark cloud" moments. He did have a chip on his shoulder.
I bit my lip for a second. This was a serious and sensitive issue. He needed support, and I was not sure that I could give a valuable piece of advice to him. Things like that are not in any manuals, books nor handouts.
"That's...messed up. I'm sorry."
He shrugged his shoulders silently again, looking like someone who gave up. I couldn't leave him hanging like that. I felt too strongly for him, and it was upsetting me to see him being hurt like that.
"Dude, life is a bitch on wheels...you must always be prepared for bad stuff to happens, and enjoy the good ones."
He lifted his head and looked at me. I could see surprise and curiosity brewing in his eyes.
I continued: "And it will only get worse as you go on. You might gain experience with shit that you go through right now to help you out with later ones, but exploring the entire life intricacies can be...no, it is very painful. Getting mental scars from something like that is...uh, to be expected, I guess."
He was still looking at me, stunned at my little outburst. "Wow, that is a very negative attitude. You always look so calm and composed, and definitively don't look like someone who paints picture black," he said with surprise in his voice.
I smirked at his remark, but second later it was my turn to shift myself uncomfortably. The feeling of the heavy curtain hanging above us was back. He was touching a subject that was buried too shallow in me. I felt that I have a lump in my throat that was preventing me from speaking. I inhaled, wondering if he knew that he opened a floodgate of memories in me. I become aware of the sound of wind in the trees around us before I continued.
"I guess it is right for you to see that as a surprise...but Hayden that I'm today is very different from Hayden that I was five years ago." I stopped.
He continued looking at me, but it was me who was looking aside in the darkness this time. The roles changed so slightly that neither of us noticed the shift.
"I was pretty wild child until several years ago. I was always a smart kid who didn't want to listen. I didn't take crap from anyone. It got gradually worse and worse, but I really hit it when I got into the college. I started to hang around the crowd that was..." I paused, searching for words. Digging through the past was difficult, especially if you need to explain all the shit that I did to myself in civilized words.
"...different from the usual college crowd. I neglected the school totally, I was constantly out with rest of my buddies, getting in trouble or planning to get into trouble. My parents were trying very hard to get me out of those surroundings, but I was only getting more and more stubborn. It came to the point that I was just resentful, hateful teenager, destructive to everybody around me. I was getting into lot of fights, almost daily. Even my buddies would describe me as 'volatile'. It wouldn't take much to set me off. At that time it almost seemed like trouble was seeking me, not other way around. I didn't give a shit about what my mom or dad were thinking about me. I had different priorities. It was all about who rode the longer wheelie on our bikes, or which girl are you were banging that night, not what your parents are thinking about you. They send me to four different counselors within three months. Last time I had to do it to avoid going to jail because my buddies and I broke into liquor store and got so drunk in there that I don't even remember police coming in and dragging us to jail. My dad bailed me out, but that didn't stopped me from getting into shit."
I stopped there. It took a lot of energy from me to get to that place in my life story. I even forgot that Matt was there, listening carefully. I was looking into dark trees on the side of the path. Gradually, the sounds that were present in the park become deafening to me. This time it was Matt who broke the silence.
"And what...what made you change?"
I sighed. Memories hung around me like heavy cloud.
"Three years ago, I was at this college party on the other side of the town. There was whole bunch of us, and we all got very drunk. I was going to take home this girl that I met there, but when we got to my car she refused to get in. She had a thing against Mustangs for whatever stupid reason, so she refused to go home with me in it. Couple miles from my home I apparently lost control and smashed the car into the tree. That is what police record states. I don't remember a single thing about it. There was no skid marks, or oil on the road or any other reason for me not to make that turn. But I didn't, and I woke up in the hospital. I had a concussion, broke several ribs and left clavicle, but I was fine otherwise. I got very lucky."
I hesitate briefly. All of the sudden I was getting cold.
"If that girl got into my car that nigh, she would be dead. I would have killed her on the spot. My Mustang hit that tree so hard on the passenger side that it was crushed...bent almost in half. There was no chance that anybody would lived if they were in that car with me."
I stopped for a second. The lump in my throat felt almost palpable.
"But what completely shattered me mentally, was when I woke up I saw my dad crying. My dad is ex-marine. You will never see him cry. I saw him at the funeral when my uncle died. He buried his own brother - he didn't shed one tear. But that night, next to my bed, he was crying. I could see that tears rolling down his face. That broke something in me. Then I realized how much pain I was inflicting on my parents, and how much they loved me. When he saw that I'm awake, he came next to my bed. Neither of us said one word. He squeezed my hand and ruffled my hair like he used to do when I was a kid, and then he left the room, sending my mother in."
I cleared my throat. I was aware of Matt's presence, but I still couldn't look at him when I continued:
"Later, when I got out of the hospital, I had to go to insurance parking lot to get my things from the car. When I saw what was left of my Mustang, I started to shake. It was the most sobering experience that I had to that moment. That was when I realized that I nearly took someone'sl life because my irresponsibility. My dad was with me, and he didn't say one word. He didn't have to. I just stood there, looking at my pride and joy that was reduced to pile of mangled junk. That incident started the change, but it took me more than two years to get where I am right now."
That was it. I felt drained. I tried to smile at Matt, but I could only muster half of it, that almost instantly dropped from my lips. This was something that I never actually shared with anybody. My family and I never discussed the incident in details. It was always referred to as "Hayden's accident" or similar euphemism.
Matt shifted himself, collecting his jacket. His eyesight was circling, as almost as he was avoiding eye contact with me while he was processing all the stuff that I dumped on him. Finally he looked at me.
"Wow...that must have been horrifying."
I nodded my head. I felt odd, like a strange relief came over me. It was a peaceful, calming sensation. I never had talked to anyone about my accident. I refused to talk about it with anybody, even the therapist; at that time I knew that I had to deal with all the stuff that I had in my head myself. With a sigh, I continued:
"Yeah, it was. I guess it took something that brutal to get the message across. Soon after the accident we moved; I am not sure if my dad asked for the transfer or it was just a coincidence, but I guess it doesn't matter. After about half a year I went back to school and finished it. I definitively become different person since than. I applied to several undergrad schools, got accepted here and last year I moved. Now I'm at the point that I can say that I can look at myself in the mirror and not to be ashamed. I haven't got all the crap sorted out yet, but it is definitively better than it used to be. So....sometimes you have to take several steps back in your life in order to gain one valuable step forward." I finished.
Matt was still looking at me, with his eyes full of compassion. We remain silent for a while, each of us adrift in our thoughts. I noticed that he is shivering.
" We better leave. It's getting cold here" I suggested, not wanting him to know that I noticed that he is cold. He nodded his head, still looking like he was musing over my spill out. Truth was that I felt embarrassed with all that I dumped on him. Stuff like that I usually keep buried deep inside where no one could touch them, and now I let myself open to this boy that I hardly know. I stood up, followed by him. He started to collect all of his newspapers, when I noticed that on top of the pile there was a movie stub. Then it dawned on me that he was at the theater too, this evening.
"How did you liked the 'DaVinci Code'?" I asked him.
"I...didn't go." He said, simply.
I looked him briefly, mystified. "The Da Vinci Code" was just out, and it was hard to get a ticket for it; and yet he didn't go? Instantly I realized that at that time something else was going on in his head.
"I understand."
He stopped in his track, looking at me with his eyes wide open.
"Do you always know what is on my mind? It seems like you can read me like open book! What, do you have six sense or something like that?"
He was being overly talkative, obviously trying to cover up uneasiness of the events from previous half hour that we were both feeling.
"No...I just listen and read people very carefully." I replied seriously, and than smiled at him. He continued to walk along, shaking his head in mock disbelief. I could almost physically sense relief was coming upon both of us. We walked back towards the park exit, with leaves shuffling under our feet. The park was still empty, but it didn't felt desolated anymore. It felt completely different from the moment when I walked in, confused and fighting with my own emotions. It felt good.
"You wanna ride with me to the dorm? I offered to Matt.
"Sure... I would like that," he agreed. I shot him a smile, and he smiled back. The moment was just perfect. Then I remembered something, which made me stop in the middle of our walk.
"Wait a minute...you knew that it was me coming to you even before you saw me! I distinctively remember that you called my name even before you turn your head. Do YOU have a six sense or what? How did you know it was me that came to your bench?"
He gave me the most adorable smirk that I have seen him so far. He only turned his head slightly, so I could only see a part of his face when his lips broke in sly smile, accompanied with impish look in his eyes:
"Your cologne," he said.
End of chapter ten
Huh, that was a long one. Again, thank you everyone that have wrote to me in the mean time, kicking my @$$ in gear to finish this one. You can still email me @ raspucin70@yahoo.com, but I also added discussion group on Yahoo Groups:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/rip_tide/
so you guys can talk behind my back freely LOL