Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests at raspucin70@yahoo.com. Copyright 2006-2007
Ch 13: Gym Rats
(Hayden's point of view)
When I arrived at the restaurant, Matt was already there, sitting on one of the benches in the front. He saw me drive by and nodded. I parked the car and walked up to him. He stood up, and smiled widely, extending his hand for a handshake.
"Hey, Nicky," he greeted me.
"Hey...I see you found this place all right." I shook his hand.
"Yeah, it was not that hard. I hope you are hungry, 'cause I am starving," he continued, opening the door for me. We got inside, and the hostess greeted us, confirming Matt's reservation, and then led us to our table.
"Well, to what do I owe such a pleasure?" I started, after we took our jackets off and sat down.
"Well...honestly, this was my parents' idea. And I thought it was a good one," he shifted in his seat to make himself more comfortable, and then he continued: "it's the least I could do to repay you for all the things you've done for me."
"Oh, here we go again...the infamous guilt trip," I smirked, looking at him.
"You got it...and I will try to ride it out today! So enjoy!" he chuckled back. Even in the relative darkness in the restaurant, I could see his eyes sparkle.
This whole lunch idea came upon after his almost frantic phone call last Saturday. I had just settled in to doing my homework, when he called. He did a good job trying to sound calm, but I could tell that he was on the verge of being frantic.
"Oh, come on, I started to enjoy your little torment. Your phone call was...interesting." I continued, in a mocking voice: "'Oh, Hayden, I have to take you out to lunch or something, if not, my parents will kill me, please, please, please, please, please!', "
"Oh, stop it! It was not like that...I only said 'Please" three times, not five. And besides, I really want to do this for you; I do not need my parents to force me into it." Now he was acting as if he were offended, but the corner of his lip was curling in a futile attempt to stifle a smile.
"Whatever. It was funny, no matter what. I was never begged to go out in that manner before." By now I was laughing out loud.
"Hey, I am trying to wash my conscience here...try to be more sympathetic with a poor freshman." He laughed, and then became serious again: "Seriously, I need to give you money for your time and that fuel...whatever you replaced on my car."
"Oh, the fuel pump. It was like thirty bucks or something, not that much. You don't have to give me any money. This lunch deal is more than enough."
He fumbled around and slid several bills across the table.
"I have to insist...my parents will kill me if you don't accept this," he said, looking somewhat guilty.
"Okay...but I'll accept it only if we split this lunch."
He started to complain, but I deliberately ignored him stifling a smile as the waitress approached our table. I could see that he was smiling too.
I placed my order, and then I had to advise Matt a little bit about menu, since he had never been at this place before. Soon we got everything figured out, and we sat back in our chairs.
"Do you come here often?" Matt asked, looking around.
"Only when I have to collect my debts," I answered, in a phony Italian accent, which sent Matt into an outburst of laughter. I smiled at him. He was once again the Matt that I liked: relaxed, open, without those dark clouds that would shadow his eyes. I wish I knew what it was that was bothering him so often. But, right now, I was fully enjoying his company. The waitress arrived with our drinks, and soon we were chatting along, sharing an occasional burst of laughter. I was surprised to find out how much in common we have. We shared the same interest in dry humored movies: as soon I started a line from one of them, he would immediately know where it was. The same held true for music, too, although he wasn't quite as keen on hard rock as I was. He was almost jealous when I told him about some concert that I had been to, and then he surprised me by saying:
"I...I have never been to a concert in my life." he said, almost ashamed. "That is, if you don't count school stuff."
"Really? Wow! That is strange...Well, I guess it is a matter of preference. Not everybody likes all the crowding and the commotion."
"Well that too, plus my parents wouldn't let their baby go to some dangerous event like that," he said as he took a sip of his drink.
"Ah, the infamous 'It's too dangerous for you to go alone' speech. Been there, done that," I said, and I started to clear our table for the food that arrived. The waitress placed the plates on the table, and then she hovered over for another more minute to make sure that everything was all right, before she left. Matt and I dug into our food.
"Mmm...this is awesome! I love Italian food," exclaimed Matt, enjoying his meal. I nodded my head.
"Yeah, they have an excellent cook. It is a bit pricey, but it's worth it. In the evenings and on weekends this place is packed."
He mumbled in response, not wanting to talk with his mouth full. I observed him for a while. He had excellent table manners, which was a huge plus in my book. He would carefully roll the pasta with his fork and spoon, managing to get a small portion into his mouth without making a mess.
We finished our meals and sat back. He had a blissful expression on his face.
"Aahhh...that was good. Thank you for choosing this place. It's been a while since I had a good meal."
"No problem...I hope you saved room for desert. They have an awesome Tiramisu that you just have to try."
"I couldn't get any more food in me right now...I am so stuffed," he groaned.
"Hey, how about I split one with you. That way you can try it and not overload yourself." I suggested.
"Ok...if you say so," he replied sleepily. He looked so adorable, just like a puppy ready to fall asleep after a good meal. I summoned our waitress and ordered dessert. Soon she came back, carrying a small dish with two spoons and placed it on the table in between us.
Matt took a bite...then another one...then one more. I watched him with a smile on my face. "Angelo's" desserts are a delicacy on their own. Matt was rolling the last piece in his mouth, with an ecstatic expression on his face. I watched him, mesmerized. His eyes were half closed, his lips moving while he was trying to savor the taste out of every morsel of food. The sight of Matt's lips was making me want to do stuff to him. Sinful stuff. Like to reach across the table and taste those lips myself.
"What?" I heard him say. I snapped out of my thoughts, realizing that I was staring at him. I cursed in my head. Once again I had got lost in my lust.
"You...you have a piece of cake on your nose." I saw an exit and I grabbed it desperately.
"Really? Um, thanks...sorry about that," he wiped his nose.
I sat back in my chair.
"Ugh...this will take some time in the gym to get it worked out." I groaned.
"You go to the gym? I mean, I can tell that you are...I mean you are built and...how often do you go?" For some reason he sounded all confused all over again.
"I go almost every day, with different workouts, alternating the routine. Only on Sundays I run, the rest of the week I do weights and stuff. Why do you wanna know?" Now I was curious, but that seemed to throw him off even more.
"Oh, no reason...it's just I was wondering...you being in such good shape and all...and I never saw you in the school gym before." he finished.
"Because I don't go there. There is one several blocks down from my place, and it's much less crowded, and it has better equipment."
"Oh, I see." he became quiet again, taking small pieces of the dessert with his spoon.
"Do you work out?" I asked. Now I was curious. He had a good build; not overly bulky, but definitively muscular.
"No, not really. I should, but I never got into it as I should," he replied quietly.
"Oh, please...don't tell me that you've never been to a gym either!" I couldn't resist. He shot me a brief worried look over the table which instantly turned into a smile when he realized that I was just teasing him.
"No, I have been to a gym before, you smartass! It's just that ever since I got out of school back home, I didn't have a chance to go back to any exercise routine like I used to." He hesitated for one more moment, and then he added: "Do you workout with anyone?"
"No, I do it alone." I replied. He remained silent, looking down at his plate. Again, I could see that something was bothering him. Before I could say anything, he asked me, almost hesitantly:
"I...I want to start to work out...and I was just wondering if I could go to the gym...with you."
I looked at him - I could swear that he was blushing! That confused me a bit, and he misunderstood my hesitation, and starting to talk rapidly, almost apologizing to me:
"If you don't want to that's fine, I know that a lot of people prefer to workout alone...and I can do it alone, too, I was just thinking that it would be more fun to do it together."
He did catch me by surprise. Truth is, I do prefer to workout alone, he was right about that. But, on the other side, this could be interesting.
"Well, I don't need a workout buddy, but I could always use the company...and, if you want to go with me, that's fine. We just need to compare our schedules and see when we can get together. I usually go in the gym in the mornings, before classes."
I was still musing over the whole idea. I actually began to like the thought of having to see Matt on a daily basis. The little voice in my head started to chime again whispering something about the dangers of being around Matt, but I hushed it quickly. I didn't want to spoil this chance with some stupid precautious self-conscious crap.
"That's awesome!" he exclaimed.
"Ok, how does 6 am sound to you?" I asked. He almost choked on his drink:
"Six? In the morning? Auf...well, I guess okay, if we must..." he was almost comical in his discomfort.
"Yeah, I know that's way early, but trust me, you will get used to it after a couple of days," I promised him. He nodded his head. I had to laugh at him thinking about tomorrow morning. Soon after that we finished with our lunch and headed out.
"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I said, reaching for my car keys.
"If I'm still alive," he responded, holding his stomach. "God, I cannot believe how much food I ate! I'm such a pig," he groaned and started to walk groggily towards his car.
(Matt's point of view)
The sound of my alarm clock was like a fire alarm buzzing through the room. Startled, I jumped out of the bed but my foot got caught in the bed sheet, causing me to stumble and crash onto the floor. Bewildered, I looked around. The alarm clock was still shrieking on the bed stand. I blinked several times, and then crawled to the bed stand to grab the damn thing, finally managing to find the right button to kill the noise. I sat up on the floor, bracing my back against the bed, still trying to figure out what was going on. The glowing dial on the clock was telling me that its 5 am. Why on Earth did I need to be up this early?
Oh, that's right. I was meeting Hayden at the gym at 6. I sighed. I couldn't remember the last time I was up this early. The room was cold and dark, making me shiver while I was searching for the switch on the lamp located on the desk. I hadn't even been here long enough to easily find stuff in the dark just yet. With the lamp finally on, I looked around the room that I was renting. It was a large space, with only a few pieces of furniture in it, making it even more cavernous in the murky dawn light. I still hadn't unpacked all of my stuff and I was still getting organized, but I had no doubts that I was feeling very comfortable in here. It was not home, but it was still home-like enough for me to feel relaxed.
I rubbed my eyes and got up on my feet. I was definitively not awake, but I had to do this. No, correction: I wanted to do this. Shivering, I stumbled into the bathroom and immediately got blinded by the bright light in there. After a quick shower, I got back into my room. It was still too cold in there for my comfort. Still shivering, I got my sweatpants and sweatshirt on, and left the house as quietly as I could. I was not sure how Ms. Lancing would look on excursions like this one this early, so I needed to be quiet.
The gym was not even ten minutes away. To my surprise, even this early there were several people getting in at the same time as I arrived. Hayden was there, too, chatting with one of the girls at the front desk. I greeted him, and he introduced me, which surprised me for a second. I was not used to those kinds of formalities, but then I realized that by doing so he had created perfect opening for me to sign-up for the membership without making it too awkward. I finished with the paperwork, and then I turned to him:
"Thank you...that was pretty cool of you to introduce me like that."
"Oh, no problem. But Crissy has a boyfriend, so don't get your hopes too high," he smirked.
I mumbled something in response. "It is too early for me to think straight." I thought to myself, than a smile broke to my lips. "Think straight." Now that's funny.
"Do you have any ideas or a plan for your workout?" Hayden interrupted my self-amusement.
Only then did I realize that I hadn't given one ounce of thought to the actual workout that I was about to do. I quickly came up with an answer:
"I was gonna follow you and see how much I can do of your routine...that way I won't be messing up your schedule."
"That sounds good, actually," he nodded and then he led me into the gym.
After we stretched ourselves, Hayden briefly informed me about his routine. Usually he would begin with a light run on the treadmill as a warm-up, and then he would go on with weights. That sounded reasonable to me, so soon both of us were jogging side by side. After that, we went to free weights. Hayden shed his sweatshirt, and I followed his example. He was wearing a dark blue plain t-shirt, which was still doing a poor job hiding his muscles. As he was walking towards the benches, I was looking at his shoulders moving, getting mesmerized by the gently swaying motion of his muscled back in front of me. Will I be able to do this? Will I be able not to stare like a moron at his body and his face for the next hour or so?
He went to a flat bench and placed a bar on the anchors. As soon as I saw him loading up the bar with two 45 pound weights, I knew I wasn't gonna be even close to his level. He lay down on the bench and pounded the set like it was nothing, not even straining. I was just looking at him, embarrassed as he stood up, leaving me the bench. Suddenly my mouth became dry and I could feel my heart racing. I was supposed to do this? What should I do? Pretend that I can do it, and then crash the whole bar on my neck, embarrassing the hell out of me? This is something that you cannot fake, Matt. This is as real as it can get.
"Um...I don't think I can do that much," I looked at him helplessly.
"Oh, okay. No problem. Let's get you something else then," he said, and started to pull large plates off from the bar, replacing them with smaller 35 pound ones. I helped him loading the bar on the other side, noticing that the plate in my hand was still really heavy. Then I sat down on the bench and lowered myself under the bar. From this point even the smaller plates were looking huge. I grabbed the bar with all my might and lifted it from the stand, swaying dangerously. Hayden positioned himself above me, ready to help me. I just started to lower the bar toward my chest when I could feel the weight overwhelming my muscles. The bar came down to my chest, and despite all my efforts, I couldn't make it move even one inch back. I was struggling with it for a second when I felt it move away from my body and being placed back on the rack. I cried in despair and embarrassment. How can I not even do that much? I stood up from the bench, not even daring to look at Hayden.
"Okay, we need to work on that then," he said with a smile. I was just looking at him. He was giving me a smile of encouragement, not to undermine my poor performance. He grabbed a smaller 25 pound weights and replaced the one on his side. I followed on mine, not saying anything, but I could feel my cheeks were burning. He positioned himself above the bench once again. This time I could actually do the full set of ten, and Hayden was giving me props for it:
"All right! Now we are talking! Good job, good job!"
"Dude...that was embarrassing! Only 25 lbs on each end? I don't see that as 'good job.'" I frowned as I stood away from the bench.
"Hey, we all need to start from somewhere. You are no different from anybody who is just starting. I was once doing the same 25 plates, just as you are now! As long you stick with it and don't get discouraged, you will do more and more, trust me!"
I looked at him. I need someone like him in my life. That was the only thought in my head at that moment. I need him. I need Hayden.
"You are very good at these motivational speeches, you know? You can make a guy feel better no matter what, can't you," I shot him a smile across the bench.
"Ha! You will only get one if you earn one, so don't get your hopes up too high," he laughed as he was replacing the 45 plates back on the bar...and adding 35 ones on top of that. I could only stare at the amount of iron that he had on the bar.
"What?" he looked at me, as I was just staring at the bar.
"That's a lot," I pointed at the plates with my finger. He smirked and just before he lay back on the bench, he turned around and pointed at an older guy who was exercising with dumbbells in the corner of the gym:
"He can bench twice as much as I can," he said as he lay back on the bench and grabbed the bar: "There is always somebody who is bigger, stronger or faster. That is the way of life." He finished and then lifted the bar. I was watching in awe as he almost effortlessly finished his second set and got up.
For the remainder of our workout that theme continued: I was generally not even close to his level of strength, which left me very frustrated. The only exercise that I was able to keep up with him was abs crunches, and I was struggling with the last two sets as well, while he was still going strong. I realized the amount of time and dedication that he had invested here to get himself to this point. I made myself a promise to at least try to achieve that level of dedication. I was only hoping that he would be there for me...at least for now. I knew that the possibility of him being available to spend time with me will be very limited, and if coming to the gym is the only way to achieve that, then I will make every effort to make it happen to be next to him. Hayden finished his last set, and stood up, with his chest heaving, all sweaty. His forearms were glistening with sweat, making his veins and muscles appear as though they were chiseled from stone. I had to tear my eyesight from him, realizing that I was staring.
"Wow...we have been here for more than three hours!" I exclaimed, looking at the clock on the gym wall. It felt like we were there for no more than an hour, at most.
"Yeah, time flies here," he agreed, and then he lifted his shirt to wipe his face, revealing the most awesome six-pack that I have seen this close. His abs were ridged with deep creases, framed with those sexy muscles that were forming a "V" on his hips and disappearing into the waistband of his sweatpants. The show only lasted for a second, then he dropped his shirt back, but the sight of his smooth, tanned skin stretched over his torso was as alive in front of my eyes as it had been a moment ago. He turned around to look at the clock, giving me another chance to look at his torso, this time covered with the shirt that was clinging onto his body. Again, my eyes glued themselves to him, tracing the contours of his backside and abdomen, flowing to his strong chest and shoulders. My breath started to become ragged, and I was feeling lightheaded. I had to blink a couple of times to get myself back on track. Hayden turned back to me, barely leaving me time to divert my eyesight from his body to something else.
"Well, this is it for today. Tomorrow I am doing shoulders and lats. Are you still up for it?"
"Yes...yes." I stammered back. He flashed me a smile, and we started to walk toward the door. At the exit we shook our hands and then went to our cars. I got into mine, but I didn't drive off immediately. I had an unfamiliar feeling that was filling me up all of the sudden. I couldn't quite figure out what it was, but it was not the first time I had felt it after being next to him for a while. A feeling of desolation. Even though I had enjoyed immensely every minute of our morning workout, somehow I knew that this will come to haunt me. The moment of departure, the moment when he leaves.
I had the same feeling several days ago, when I was leaving his place after spending the night there. I could still remember how he was gathering my clothes from the dryer when I snuck up to him. The second he left me I realized that my visit was over, that I was leaving; the magic was over. The abruptness of that hollow feeling that spread suddenly inside of me caught me off guard. I leapt from the kitchen chair that I was sitting on and almost ran down the hall to the laundry room. It was a strange desire to not allow even for one moment to pass without being with him, since I knew that my time there was running out.
Leaning against the doorway, I peeked in. Hayden had his back turned to me, but I didn't mind. Somehow, even just looking at his broad backside brought peace in me, at least for a moment. After he carefully folded my sweatshirt and jeans, he took my sneakers and started to place laces in them. I was confused about that, but before my curiosity got me to start asking questions, my eyes got affixed to his forearms. His hands were working swiftly, making his entire forearms dance, exposing and flexing his muscles. I just stood there, looking at the show and feeling the heat rising into my cheeks. He finished with one, and as he was grabbing the other one, he noticed me in the doorway. Giving me that semi-smile with the corner of his lip, he continued with his work while I was still just standing there, staring, but something changed. I realized that in a few minutes I would leave his house. In a few minutes I would no longer have Hayden near me, as perpetual source of my infatuation. Emptiness started to fill me from deep within.
"Here you go," I heard him say. He was giving me my clothes back and I hadn't even noticed that he had finished. I quickly regained control of my senses, and went to the bathroom to change. In there, I leaned over the sink and a sigh escaped my lungs:
"This is why Mary told you to stay away," I thought as I looked upon my reflection in the mirror: "Get a grip, Matthew. Get a grip and forget about this whole thing. You cannot have him." I clenched my jaw. The emptiness was still there, knotting itself in my stomach, but now I was getting back some control. I smiled dryly at my reflection. It felt like I was only pulling some flimsy cover over a gaping hole in my soul. After a couple of minutes, I got to a point where I could go back to Hayden without breaking down and begging him to let me stay one more night.
That was last Saturday. And I still haven't figured out how to get over that feeling. Sitting in my car, I looked at my cell phone, but I realized that this time I couldn't count on anyone's help. Mary wouldn't look favorably upon my choice to stay around Hayden, knowing how destructive his presence can be for me. And she was right. I thought that I was able to pull this off, but apparently it was not working out the way I had planned. As a matter of fact, it was backfiring straight at me. I looked over the steering wheel onto the gym's parking lot. The sight of Hayden's abs came back to my mind once again. His glistening skin covering his firm abdomen. So close that I could touch every ridge, every crease. And there was something else...Hayden had just a hint of hair going down from his navel. What was it called...a "Pleasure Trail?" I laughed silently - it was definitively a trail that I would like to explore. The smile faded away from my lips as the knot in my stomach started to become a stone again. I sighed and started the engine. I still had to go to my class.
(Hayden's point of view)
Only when class ended did I realize that I hadn't heard a single word of Prof. Holmstead's lecture. Biochem was hard enough to understand even with attending all the lectures. How did I manage to doze away like this? People around me were collecting their papers and stuff, while my notebook was completely empty. I stared at it in disbelief. It seemed as if it had been only seconds since I sat down here for this morning's lecture. The whole thing had passed without me even noticing.
I collected my notebook and backpack and started to walk downstairs. I knew what was on my mind. Just like this whole last week.
If I was thinking about Matt earlier in the semester, now he wasn't leaving my mind. We had been working out together in the past few days, to my pleasure. Now I was seeing Matt on a daily basis, we were working out together, sharing laughs and life stories. Everything looked like two buddies having a good time in the gym, right?
Not so much. Even when I was laughing out loud with him, I could sense that there was something else behind all that. He looked happy, he was working out with me, he was giving a lot of endeavor lifting weights, not passing a chance to joke about his efforts. But there was something else. I could sense it in his voice, in his demeanor. Something was still bothering him, and it was eating me alive. He looked like someone who is harboring a secret, and the weight of that was taking its tool despite his efforts to hide it. On several occasions I caught him looking at me; it was more of a feel, when I was working out I could feel his gaze on me. I thought that I was imagining stuff, but almost every time when I turned around he would shy his eyes away, or just continue to watch what I was doing. I decided not to make big deal out of it; he was probably just observing how I did a particular exercise.
On the other hand, he caught me staring at him on more than one occasion. I must admit I would shamelessly just continue to stare, not willing to adverse my eyes. How could I? His presence in the gym was something that I was not used to. In the morning there was the usual crew of gym rats, most of them business people still trying to get exercise before going to the office. Not many good looking girls were there at that time to grab my attention. Or guys. That was the case, until last week.
Now I had this strikingly good looking boy working out next to me, and it was distracting. Matt's physique was appealing; his body was wiry, but not skinny. He had broad shoulders and a nicely defined torso, but it wasn't stacked with muscles. He was just nicely built without being too bulky or skinny. He would usually show up dressed like me, in an old tee and shorts, not revealing much at first sight. But every now and then, I would catch glimpses of his body, fueling my desire to see him shirtless. But so far, he seemed somewhat shy, leaving me only to guess as to what he looks like shirtless. After the gym we would say our goodbyes and split. Some days I would stay behind to take a shower and go to school directly from there, and some days I would leave, too, watching him go to his car and drive away. I had a strange feeling that in those moments he wanted to be left alone. As our workout would come to an end, he would often become more and more quiet. I couldn't find the reason why he was this way, and I didn't want to ask. He had a right to his own privacy, no matter how much it was tearing me apart to see him in such a dismal state.
We would still hang out together, but both of our schedules dictated that our actual time together was short. Once he joined Courtney, Scott and me at our usual Tuesday cafeteria meetings; it was more Scott who invited him to sit down, than me. That move from Scott surprised me more than it surprised Matt. He was threading through the crowd when he spotted me and stopped to say hi, so I introduced him to rest of the crew, but then Scott interjected:
"Hey, Matt, why don't you sit down with us? It looks like there's no free table elsewhere in this place," he finished, pointing at the empty chair next from him.
Even though I wasn't looking at Matt at the moment, I could see that he shifted nervously in his stance. As I was about to say something, Courtney looked up to him as well:
"Yeah, Matt - you are more than welcome to sit here with us."
This time he obliged, wedging himself through the narrow path behind Scott's chair to find his way to the chair in the corner. He sat down with his food on the table, still looking nervous as hell. His eyes were darting in between Courtney and Scott, as they continued with their conversation about some Sociology homework that Scott brought up. I couldn't wait for them to finally settle on the issue, but Scott beat me to it, so I couldn't involve Matt in the group in more formal way:
"Hey, let's ask the new guy about that! He is fairly independent from us! Matt, what is your opinion on inter-racial marriages?"
I felt my legs tensioning. I could see that Matt was getting extremely uncomfortable by the minute, and now Scott had placed him in the spotlight. He opened his mouth to answer, but he could only muster half of the sentence:
"I-...I dunno...I guess..."
Luckily it was Courtney who jumped in to his aid:
"Leave him alone, Scott! You just met the guy and you are already pestering him with your Sociology homework! Find your own damn answers to that!"
The air around the table cleared in a second. I could almost see the tension going away.
"Well I was just trying to make a conversation and you all got bent outta shape on me." muttered Scott, sipping his drink, not fazed at all.
"Yeah, whatever, Scott. Don't pay attention to him, Matt, he is just a loudmouth," Courtney turned to Matt.
He actually smiled at her. I could feel the uneasiness fade away from both him and me. I was eternally grateful to Courtney for speaking out in this occasion. I knew that in a matter of seconds I would have unleashed myself on Scott, which would result in an awkward situation. Choosing between friends is never okay and it never ends well, no matter who wins. I could only guess that both Scott and Courtney would be surprised if I stood on Matt's side. I never particularly mentioned Matt to them before, so my standing to his aid would certainly look strange to them.
The rest of our break actually passed in very relaxed conversation tone. Courtney was curious about Matt's background coming here, and Scott and I were discussing the chances of our college football team getting into the finals. I looked across the table at Matt. For a change, he looked more relaxed. As he was explaining something to Courtney, my eyes got affixed to his. The incredible shades of blue in his eyes once again became center of my attention. He was talking to Courtney, and then he glanced over to me. Our eyes locked and he smiled at me, continuing his conversation. If it hadn't been for Scott asking me something about the game, I would have continued to stare. I collected myself and responded to Scott, hoping that he wouldn't notice anything. But it was Courtney who shot me an awkward glance, which I couldn't read. Finally they had to leave for their morning classes, leaving Matt and me at the table. As she was leaving, Courtney leaned in and gave me a brisk kiss, and then both her and Scott waved Matt goodbye as they left.
"Was that your girlfriend?" asked Matt, rather abruptly. I had to refocus my thoughts for a second. I was definitely not prepared for him asking that question.
"Huh? Um, yeah, I guess so." I answered.
"She is pretty," continued Matt, looking somewhere through the window.
For some reason that made me nervous. Then I figured out why: Until this moment, I had never had to categorize my relationship with Courtney. And, if I had to, calling it a "relationship" would not be sincere. I didn't feel that we were a couple. There was simply no connection, no bond that resembled anything like a relationship. I mused over that for a second. Sure, she was a friend, and a very close one, but there was never that feeling of attachment or intimacy that I could share with her comfortably. And now that Matt's question had brought that up to my attention, I started to feel really lousy about that. I thought to myself:" I'm living a lie - and I'm probably gonna hurt that girl's feelings, sooner or later." I sighed. Boy, this was getting complicated by an exponential rate.
"Don't you have class at 11?" I heard Matt ask. That snapped me back to reality.
"Yeah...I guess I should go too. Hey, thanks for stopping by. I hope Scott wasn't too rude with you. He can act civilized, but not always. And since you are not a chick, he has no incentive to be nice. He is an ok guy, just loud sometimes."
"Oh, don't worry - he was ok."
With that we split. I really had to go to that class - my group was supposed to do a presentation, and I couldn't miss that. I realized that I was getting pissed that I couldn't stay at cafeteria and chat with Matt. Rushing up the stairs of the classroom building, the only thing on my mind was how long I would have to wait to see him again - until tomorrow morning for our morning workout.
No, wait: I don't have to - who made that stupid rule?
I entered the classroom, and I almost threw my backpack on the desk in the rush to get my cell phone out of my pocket. A sly smile came upon my lips as I was typed up a text message and hit the "send" button.
(Matt's point of view)
"Here you go, man, the chicken should be done in a minute or so," said Hayden, handing me a bowl of snacks. I dug with delight into the mix of chips, tortillas and pretzels that he had placed in the bowl.
"Thanks - mmmm - good stuff" I mumbled in response, munching on the snacks as I was watching him getting busy with DVD player. I couldn't not think of his kneeling in front of the TV as my own private show - his tapered waist spreading into those wide shoulders, with his muscular neck craned, accenting his traps as he was placing the DVD into the player. He got everything set up and then he grabbed his bowl and sat next to me on the couch while the movie intro was unfolding on the screen. I relaxed in my seat, taking in the comfortable feeling of sitting in Hayden's living room, with no worries in the world, preparing to spend a very nice evening next to him. As he was sitting next to me, the feeling of coziness and peace started to engulf me. Right now, I didn't care if I was living a fantasy or not, it was just a perfect moment for my overworked brain to unfold. For the moment all the stuff that I was stressing about faded away - all the homework and finals, all the crap that was bothering me - none of that seemed to matter at this moment. I was sitting next to Nicky, soaking up the feeling of being close to him. He could be sitting on the other side of the room and I would still be just as happy. My thoughts drifted away for a moment, reminiscing of the moment from earlier today, when I got that message from him on my cell phone:
"Have u seen 'Snatch'?"
"No" I replied, confused.
"Lock Stock?" was his next message.
"Um, no - what's that?" I typed, not knowing where this was going on with all the questions.
"My place 2night @ 4 - movie night. B hungry."
Hayden was calling me to be at his place to watch movies? Wow...my head was spinning. It wasn't just the fact of me seeing him again - I was seeing him almost every day now at the gym, but still this was different. Gym was all business - despite the fact that we joked a lot and it was a pleasure to spend those couple of hours each morning with Hayden, for some reason this was carrying a different mood. It was evening, and it was a time for going out, socializing on a whole different level and...dates. I knew it was stupid of me to overanalyzing things this manner, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that this resembled one, more than our usual morning workouts.
To say that I was inpatient to go was a huge understatement. The whole afternoon was dragging on like sludge. I couldn't wait to go back home! I started to prepare myself well before 3 pm, even though his place was less than five minutes away. With a towel around my waist, brushing my teeth I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I looked at my body lines disappearing under the soft cotton. I liked the fact that I had a slim build, so I could see my abs no matter what. I looked critically at my chest. They were still too puny for my taste. I flexed my muscles a couple times and discovered with disappointment that I still could not see any difference whatsoever on my body, despite the workouts with Hayden. I sighed. For some reason all my enthusiasm about this whole evening vanished in a second - and then I realized what I was doing. I was looking at how attractive I am...for him! With the toothbrush still sticking out of my mouth, I lowered my arms and I looked at myself.
"Here you go again, Matthew. Here you go again, fooling yourself. You are going to his place, all dressed-up as if it's a prom date, only to get five minutes of time next to Hayden. Like that will magically change anything. You still are doing the same thing to yourself - and worse, you are doing it to Hayden, too. Lies - you are living and creating nothing more than lies."
I clenched my teeth one more time before I resumed brushing, almost violently scraping my gums. Yeah, it should hurt. At least I would know that that part of me is real, and not made up.
I decided to walk to his place. I was still feeling bitter and angry with myself, so a twenty-minute walk sounded like a good idea to clear my head. Still, when I showed up at his doorstep, I still felt resentment in me, sitting in its dark corner of my chest. I managed to put a smile on when he opened the door.
"Hey Matt. Come in - the dinner is almost ready." He was his casual self, not trying to be anything else than a relaxed young man, comfortable and stress-free in his own domain.
"And still so hot" the thought flashed through my head as I walked in behind him and closed the door. He took my jacket and pointed towards the living room.
"Make yourself at home, I need to check up on something in the kitchen. I'll be right there."
I entered the living room. The stereo was playing some music, rather loudly. I found it odd that there were no words to the song - just several string instruments, carrying a melody. It was very familiar, but still I couldn't recognize it.
Hayden returned to the living room, and turned the volume down.
"Sorry - I was listening to it in the kitchen."
"No, it's okay - who plays that? It is very good, and I think I heard that song before, but I just cannot remember where," I was still confused.
"Oh, I'm sure you did. That's a 'Metallica' song."
I must have looked very surprised, as he laughed and continued: "Only it's played by a band called 'Apocaliptica'. They play cellos - that's why you couldn't recognize it at first," he commented, and then turned the music completely off.
"Something smells really good" I observed as he turned back to the kitchen.
"Yeah, it will be done in a couple minutes. Make yourself at home," he yelled from the back.
I lingered in his living room, enjoying the moment of being in his place. It was a calming experience, like being at home, but differently. It was neat and spacey, but yet it had a distinctive touch of his style. I stopped next to the bookshelf to read some of the titles. He had an oddball collection, consisting of classic masterpieces and eclectic novels, including even some comic books. My eyes wandered off towards his guitar that was sitting on the leather recliner. Something caught my attention. On the guitar's neck, there was something engraved in it. I craned my head to read the letters that were upside down from my viewpoint. The engraving was done with a precise tool, but it was obviously done by hand. The burn marks were visible in the wood, like someone was in a hurry to do it.
And it said: "Nicki".
That's strange...not how you usually spell out "Nicky". Plus...I was quite positive that the boy-racer that Hayden was nicknamed after was named Nicky, with a "y". I was still musing over that when he got back with two bowls of snacks that he placed on the coffee table. Curiosity got better of me:
"Did you do this?"
"Aha...with a dremmel," he replied.
For some reason that did not fit Hayden's image - to hack something like that with a power tool into a beautiful thing like a guitar.
"I have to ask you...how come this says 'Nicki" with that awkward spelling?"
He looked at me and paused for a second. With a small sigh escaping his lungs, he answered to me: "Its from an Ann Rice novel."
"Ann Rice? From her book 'Interview with the Vampire'?" I chimed in, noticing too late that he gave me an answer without actually answering me. I bit my lip. This is the second time I am making him uncomfortable about his guitar, and I still haven't learned my lesson. Damn it, Matt!
"No, it's from 'The Vampire Lestat', the second book. This one-" he reached out to the bookshelf and pulled from it a paperback with colorful covers.
"Oh, okay," I said, trying to hide my curiosity that was eating its way out through my chest. "You will not ask him any more questions about this whole thing, Matthew!" I warned myself.
He placed the book back on the shelf and I took that chance to quietly scoot towards the couch. I didn't need any more awkward situations with Hayden.
He followed me, grabbing one of the DVD cases from the coffee table and sat on the couch, giving the case for me to read. Only then I realized that the title of the movie was "Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels". That cleared the confusion about the text message that I have received.
"I never heard of this one," I told him.
"It's more popular in Europe. Humor is very dry, but I a have feeling that you'll like it." He replied with a smirk, and then he handed me a bowl with snacks.
For the next hour and a half we watched the movie; the only time Hayden got up was to bring us dinner - the awesome teriyaki chicken that we quickly inhaled. The movie was definitely quirky, but he was right about me liking it. When it finished, he turned to me:
"Sooo...you ready for some more of the same?" he was looking at me in anticipation.
I glanced at him with a smirk:
"What, the chicken...or the British humor? Both are tangy...and excellent!" We both started to laugh so hard that soon I had tears in my eyes.
"You are such a smart ass...I knew you'd like it," he laughed and stood up, collecting the empty plates from the coffee table. I helped him and we both went into the kitchen.
"Hey man if you want more of the chicken, help yourself. There is plenty left," he said.
"No, I'm fine, thanks. Can I get more of the orange juice?"
"Oh, sure - it's in the fridge" he motioned towards it.
I opened the fridge door, but I couldn't locate the jug on the well - stocked shelves. I stood there for several moments: "Um, I don't see it," I said in confusion.
I was still standing in front of the fridge when Hayden came behind me. He placed his hand on my left shoulder and his other arm came up next to me, almost hugging me as he reached for the door. Suddenly I became aware of how our bodies were only inches away, and a heat wave came upon me setting my head on fire. I almost started to lean back into him, craving for that touch from him, the touch that I yearned for so much. I could feel the touch of his hand that was resting on my shoulder, transferring its warmth into me. The small hairs on the back of my neck stood up, in anticipation of the touch that I expected to follow. I closed my eyes as I was getting dizzy. That lasted only for a fraction of a second, and then I got overpowered with true panic that took over, erasing everything else. In a split second I became horridly apprehensive, unnerved and petrified. What the hell am I expecting to happen here?
I opened my eyes, forcing myself back into reality, feeling Hayden's body moving next to mine. The whole thing happened very quickly, and yet it took me several seconds to regain my senses.
Unaware of my turmoil, Hayden pulled the fridge door even more open and reached next to me into one of the door shelves, pulling out a carton of juice.
"There you go, man, help yourself," he said, handing me the juice, and he went back, completely oblivious of how much of a wreck I had almost become. With my shaky hands, I poured juice in my glass, concealing my shakiness with my body. I could hear him pouring more of the snacks in the bowls, but I couldn't turn to face him. As slowly as I could, I placed the juice back in the fridge.
My feet were still trembling when I walked back into the living room. He was standing there, fast forwarding the previews on the DVD.
"How are things going on your end? I mean with finals being only two weeks away and all?" he asked, glancing at me over his shoulder.
I sat down on the couch, staring blankly at the TV screen: "Oh, it's okay, I guess. Both of my TA's are on our cases for lab homework and stuff, so I need to get on that over the weekend. And a couple of papers that are due that I still need to finish up. The usual stuff, I guess," I finished. I was feeling a little more concise now; him being totally nonchalant about what just happened helped a lot. He finished with fast forwarding and sat back on the couch with me.
Is it just me...or did he sit closer to me this time?
"I hope that this is not going to set you back with your study - I would rather have you back home finishing your homework than sitting here watching movies with me," he turned to me, with a serious expression on his face.
"And how wrong you would be about that," I thought to myself, staring back at him.
"No, it's fine. I do need some relaxation and a break from studying. I really appreciate you inviting me over," I finished, tearing my eyes from his.
"Oh, no problem. I'm glad that you could make it," he turned back to the TV and dug into his bowl. The movie started, but the only thing in front of my eyes was the sight of his dark eyes. It was just like he had a blaze in each of them, and I could feel the heat from them licking my face. I felt the fever coming up into me again. And this time it was not leaving. It was as if the whole side of my body that was facing him was receiving a heat wave, as if I was sitting next to a blazing fire. The movie was unfolding, and I had a tough time keeping up with the action, despite it starring Brad Pitt. For once in my life, even the site of Brad's naked torso dancing on the screen was not enough to get my attention to the screen. My mind drifted to the moment when he placed his hand on my shoulder to look for the stupid orange juice that I couldn't find in the fridge. How I almost fell back into his arms. How close his body was to mine...
Oh shit, not again.
I focused on the movie, but it was too late. Despite the fight that was going on the screen, I couldn't stop my erection from starting to tent my jeans. I leaned forward to reach my snack bowl, blushing. Now what? This was not the theater, where I could count on darkness to hide my excitement. In a split second, I found the solution. I slowly slid down from the couch on the floor, and braced my knees with my elbows, pretending to be focused on the movie.
That still might look awkward, but it was better than having a visible hard-on right here in the middle of Hayden's living room. Several very long minutes later, it started to fade away, so I could finally relax. The movie had a couple of funny scenes, which got me going, and that helped to dissipate my excitement and nervousness.
I managed to finish the movie without further distractions. It was already dark outside when the movie ended and we both stood up. I was back to the relaxed state of mind that I had earlier; moreover, I felt good. Good movies, good food, and Nicky's company - is there more that a boy could wish for?
Then Hayden did something that completely erased all calmness from me: He stretched himself right in front of me, giving me a first-row glance at his torso. It didn't even matter that he had a t-shirt on - he might as well have been naked right in front of me the way that shirt clung onto his pecs and his shoulders. But his biceps made me gasp - they were huge! Even at the gym I never saw him from this angle, almost parading in front of me. He just simply hooked his hands behind his head and stretched his back for a second or two, and then let his hand fall along his side. At that moment he realized that I'm staring at him, full -on, without even trying to hide my open-mouth gawking.
"Wow," that was the only thing I could stammer, still looking at him shamelessly.
"What?" he said, completely unaware of source of my infatuation.
"Your muscles...biceps...they are...huge!" I gulped, still gawking in sincere admiration at his body.
"Oh, that. Yeah, its nice to have something to show," he said very nonchalantly, and then he did something even more amazing: he actually rolled his right sleeve and flexed his biceps, right there, right in front of my face.
I felt as if his living room was getting small. It was not the fact that I had a full view of his big muscles right in front of me. No, it was the fact that Nicky was showing off his body to...me. He was revealing a very masculine part of his body for me to admire.
Just for me.
Air started to burn in my nostrils, and my breathing started to be rapid as I was looking at his beautiful tanned skin stretched over those hard muscles, only inches away from my eyes. I almost reached out to wrap my hand around his bicep that he was flaunting in front of me. And than I felt it again - I was getting hard, yet again. This time my erection was filling my jeans so rapidly that I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to turn away from him in time.
"Um, I better go now. Hey, thanks for the movies and dinner, it was awesome," I mumbled, grabbing my jacket from the hanger.
Hayden looked somewhat taken aback with my haste retreat.
"That's cool man. I'm glad that you could make it. Not many people that I know could appreciate this kind of humor, which makes you very special."
Huh? Is he deliberately trying to knock me off my feet tonight? My head was already spinning, I could barely hide my hard-on with my jacket and now he is telling me how special I am in his life? This is so wrong, so unreal. I realized I had to get out. I was moments away from telling him everything, telling him what I feel about him and how much it is tearing me inside the fact that I cannot ever be with him.
"Um, thanks. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." I mumbled in response.
"Yeah, all right," he replied, seeing me out.
I stepped outside, and realized that I have a problem: outside was still cold, but I couldn't put on my jacket. Not yet. Not with "Little Matt" tenting my jeans.
With an awkward goodbye, turned half-way towards him, I put the jacket on and started to walk back home with my hands deep in my pockets. My mind was still filled with the sights from this evening. If somebody asked me at that moment what those movies had been about, I wouldn't have been able to say one meaningful sentence about either of them. Movies? All memories about them got erased the moment when Hayden flaunted his muscles in front of me. The proximity of his body, so close to me that I could just reach and touch those hard bulges of his shoulders and arms.
Then it all changed. It was almost like the feeling of being on the shore and watching the wave coming upon the beach, full of energy and fervor, then disappearing, leaving heavy wet sand behind. The feeling of being depleted, exhausted and empty filled me, replacing the elated and full-bodied euphoria that I was feeling a second ago.
I can never have him. The only thing I am doing is fooling myself, getting some visual candy that gives me nothing but grief and frustrations. Why? Why I am doing this to myself? Why I am even becoming friends with Hayden since it brings nothing but pain to me? So even if I ever touch him, if I ever fulfill that desire to touch that smooth, strong body - where would that leave me? It is nothing but just one more step into nothingness, into an empty space of my distorted fantasies. Even if Nicky ever allows me to touch him - where will that take me? I will never end up with him, embraced in his arms forever. That can only be an awkward moment of one guy touching other guy. I shuddered. Yeah, good thing that I withheld my desire to feel his biceps. Years of self-restraint that I've placed upon myself to act straight in public had kicked in. I knew better than that. Guys don't touch each other. And I shouldn't touch Hayden. That would be awkward.
Still, that heavy feeling in my loins remained, reiterating the whole scene in my head one more time. And again. And again...I sighed. I guess I am going to live for the rest of my life dealing with situations like this. "This is the life of an outcast, I guess," I mused, disheartened.
I realized that I was walking by an art supply store that I had seen earlier when I drove around in this neighborhood. I entered in and got the drawing supplies that I wanted. As soon I got home, I opened the drawing block, unpacked a couple of pencils and quickly, almost feverishly, started to sketch outlines of an image that I had in my head. I worked for hours, not noticing the time passing by, nor thinking about the homework that was piled on my desk. The only thing I knew was that I needed to get this image that was in my head and try to capture it on paper. I worked well into the night, and when I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, I stepped back from the drawing block and sat on the floor, resting my painful back against the bed. It wasn't finished, but I was pleased with the result. I managed to capture exactly what I had in my memory, a vision that will always be with me, no matter what.
From my drawing block, leaning against the doorframe of his living room with his muscular hands crossed in front of his chest, Nicky was looking at me with his dark, penetrating eyes.
End of chapter 13