Rip Tide

Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. It depicts a romance between two consenting adult males and may contain some descriptions of sexual act between two consenting adult males. If you are not of legal age to read this kind of story, please leave now. If you reside in area where reading stories that include sexual situations between two consenting adult males are illegal, please leave now. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Any similarity to any person(s) living or dead is simply a coincidence. The author retains all rights to this story. It cannot be reproduced in any form without expressed written permission from the author (me). Please contact the author for any requests. Copyright 2006.

RIP TIDE

Chapter 11: The cold front

(Hayden's point of view)

"Matt."

This time I reached to touch Matt's face. He was looking at me, his blue eyes getting wide with emotions that were coursing between us. My other hand followed the one that was already resting on side of his neck, caressing his cheek. My head was spinning, and I felt enormous tension somewhere in my abdomen. This time I was not letting any doubts blocking my desire. His eyes were fixed on mine, his mouth was slightly open, his lips so inviting. I leaned into him, and he gave me that adorable smirk of his, and than he pulled himself slightly away. The knot in my abdomen tightened another notch. I leaned more into him, but he was just pulling away even more, as I was...

Abruptly, I sit up in my bed, gasping heavily. The image of Matt was still lingering in my mind. It dissipated slowly in the gray light of the dawn coming in through the window. I had to blink several times to get that picture washed away to colorless shadows in my room.

The dawn light was barely visible, making only traces of light coming trough the window. Propped on my elbows, still breathing coarsely, I looked at the clock - it was just before 5 am. Exasperated, I fell back onto the bed, and then I realized that tension in my abdomen was still present, like a stone placed on my stomach. It dawned on me that it was not just an image of Matt lasting in front of my eyes something that I carried over from my dream.

I was painfully hard.

My penis was throbbing so much that it ached as it pushed against the sheets. This was not usual morning erection. This was something different, like my whole body was concentrating its energy into my straining organ. Almost angrily, I tossed bed covers away from me and sat up in bed, bracing my knees with my hands.

I just had wet dream. Well, almost. It didn't go all the way, but it might as well have. And it was happening while I was...

While I was dreaming about kissing Matt.

I stared at the dark wall across my room. I could feel my hard on still relentlessly throbbing against my abs. It felt like hot steel, burning against my skin, stubbornly not letting go. I could feel every beat of my heart in its silky head, pressed against my abdomen. It was too much of a physical presence to be ignored. It was craving for attention, for relief. It felt like it was a focal point of my whole body at that moment. As it was expressing desire that was coursing trough my whole body, aching.

It was aching...for Matt.

I jumped out of my bed, and walked to the bathroom, with my rigid organ straining in front of me, bobbing in the rhythm of my walk. I got into the shower and let the hot water beat on my shoulders while I was leaning on the wall. I was deliberately avoiding touching my cock. With my hands propped against the tiles, I let the water run down my body, in futile attempt to wash away feeling of confusion that was coursing try me. Moreover, it was the uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment and awkwardness that was making the stone in my stomach even heavier.

I was ready to shoot while dreaming about another guy.

That was too much for me to comprehend, but that was a fact - I was close to jerking off thinking about making out with another guy. Precisely, thinking about Matt. That was just too sketchy.

I knew that I couldn't do something like that by looking at naked pictures of other guys in magazines or on the net. No, this was something different, like it was completely separate set of rules that my mind had set and it was making my body react in manner that I was definitively not ready to embrace. I was always suppressing that part of me, a part that I have buried consciously very deep within me.

And, now that part had emerged.

In the past, even when I would realize that I was getting attracted to guys that I would meet, I would always manage to get that train of thought redirected back onto so-called "straight" track. More or less, that would work and I would never get too involved into thoughts about me and other guys.

Until now.

My mind, and my body, wanted Matt so much that it was impossible for me to ignore.

With a sigh, I shut the water off. My erection had faded away, but the urgency was still there, hanging in my whole abdomen like effervescent presence that was still remaining me how much turmoil and confusion my mind was dealing with.

After the shower, I headed downstairs to the kitchen. The sleep was completely gone from me. There was no way that I could return to bed in this jumbled state of mind. The dawn was letting more light into the house, slowly replacing the darkness. It reminded me in same situation that was going on in my head. The revelation of physical desire towards Matt was making its way to recognition, to realization that I cannot suppress it anymore. My body was betraying me in that matter, and I knew I was losing that battle.

Rubbing my face absentmindedly, I started my morning routine. I knew that it would be better to get on with my day, even it was whole hour early. On Sundays I didn't go to the gym, but I was still running in the morning. It was still dark when I left the house, and it was so cold that I immediately had to go back for sweatshirt: the cold front that was announced for this week was already starting to make morning temperatures too harsh for running in just t-shirt.

(Matt's point of view)

1. That was my latest Biology exam score. The exam was on Monday, two days ago. It was still a good score, but I was disappointed. I knew exactly while I botched it: I spend weekend driving around, looking for place to rent, instead of studying. It was a very exhausting hunt that took a lot of time. Practically, I spent both Saturday and Sunday driving around suburbs that were alongside highway heading north from our town. I did get somewhere, since I did notice that more I went north, the more acceptable prices were. Sunday night I collected all the leads that I had so far, and called my parents. They were pleased that I was making progress, even if an immediate solution had not occurred. At least I was seeing light at the end of the tunnel. And that was thanks to Hayden and his insight.

Hayden.

I knew that I shouldn't be unfair to admit that he was the second reason for my poor Biology exam score. I couldn't stop thinking about him in the past few days. Even on the weekend evenings that I was in my room, I spend mostly on my bed, with Bio book next to me, unopened.

He had nothing to do with me spending hours looking at the ceiling, thinking about all of the time that we spend together Friday, instead studying. Only after I had time to think over our conversation, I started to grasp all the details of Friday evening.

Hayden had opened to me, just a bit, but it was a very insightful image. It was like he let me look through the crack in his armor, and I got blinded by the light that came from the gap.

At least I was right about something: he was definitively more complex person than he appeared to be. It only made him more desirable in my eyes. I guess that I was not surprised about his wild years; he did exuded vibe that was in sync with his story. But I was still taken aback with intensity of his lifestyle, the events that he had been through, and how much energy was involved to make him assured, composed and mature Hayden that he was today. Even I had butterflies almost the whole conversation while we were sitting on the bench, he managed to calm me down to the point that when he dropped me off in front of my dorm, I was in far better mood than at the beginning of the evening. I realized that I must to grow out my fascinations and dreams. "Life doesn't always present you with answers, even if does present you with problems." I mused philosophically. I needed to shake this off.

Yeah, easier said than done.

Saturday afternoon I caught myself daydreaming about moment that we were sitting on the park bench. I remembered the intense concentration on his face, as he was telling me about his crash. It was obvious that speaking about incident was very difficult for Hayden, and it took a lot of energy from him to do it. His handsome face was tightened into a mask while he was telling me about his former lifestyle. It was as he placed himself into auto pilot mode, setting his emotions aside so he can convey his story to me.

It maybe made me calmer at that moment, but later during that weekend and next week, it stirred even more emotions in me. It only made feeling of closeness and connection between Hayden and me stronger, precisely what I was trying to avoid.

My brain was telling me that I must to grow out of my fantasy.

The rest of me was doing quite the opposite.

On Wednesday, I called my parents. I told them about my continuing search for a room and my findings so far, carefully avoiding any mention of school issues. My dad was sounded nonchalant about my whole quest, not realizing how much I invested in it. I told him that there was one more distant part of the city that I was going to check on Friday. I was not going to give up that easily. I spoke with my mom briefly after that, and at least she was more sympathetic to my troubles. I finished that conversation as quickly and politely as I could. Why is nobody seeing this important except me?

Frustrated, I flipped my phone open again. I had to make another call. There were still too many things in my life that I needed advice on. Mary was entitled to hear about my weekend, especially about Friday and stuff that happened on that evening.

After couple minutes that she was filing me with latest stuff that was going on back home, the conversation slowly shifted towards my news. I was fidgeting with some papers on my desk, nervous to start. She was very careful not ask me directly about Hayden, but I couldn't hold it anymore. The sentence burst out of me, with all jealousy and bitterness that I couldn't hide anymore:

"Hayden is straight, I saw him with his girlfriend in the movie theater."

Mary recognized both the resentment and resignation in my voice. Only thing she said was: "Sorry kiddo, I was hoping that something was brewing for you on that horizon."

I sighed, and remained silent for a moment. I felt sorry for being short with her, but I knew that she understood what emotional trouble I was in. There was no point of hiding it, or calling it different that what it was. I had fallen in love with Hayden, head-on, no brakes, no caution, no warning. And now I was dealing with bitterness of consequences, just like she said that I would.

But Mary didn't say a word about that. She was far too sensitive to mention that. She was not kind of person to rub it in - for which I was eternally grateful. Instead, she gently nudged the conversation towards my room renting issues, which in return brought up the Friday evening and our encounter at the park. Without getting into the details about Hayden's accident, I told her about closeness of the moment that Hayden and I had. That confused her, opening whole different level of uncertainty in me.

"Matt...he is obviously opening up to you. That doesn't sound like something that you would tell everyone. I am sorry, but it looks like he wants you to be his friend. Does he have other friends?"

"Oh, yes, a ton. I saw him greeting and joking around with a whole bunch of people around the campus. He hangs with couple other guys in the cafeteria all of the time. Cool people. Popular people. Why me? Why am I on his list of people that he wants to hang around with? What he finds in me? I am not like his other friends. I am not a jock; I don't go to the games or hang around talking about girls and cars. Why is he taunting me?" I cried in despair.

"He is not taunting you, Matt. You have to realize that you have plenty of qualities. Maybe he wants someone to talk about different things, not just girls, beer, and cars," Mary replied.

"...or bikes." I finished her sentence, bitterly. Sometimes sarcasm is my favorite weapon. Bikes? I don't know squat about those, either. In my mind, there was nothing that I could offer to Hayden as a friend. Then why he was still hanging around me? I couldn't figure that out.

We ended up talking for more than two hours. That was nothing strange for us, except the fact that all we did was talk about my problems. It was easy to converse with Mary, even about stuff that was so complicated, since she had a way to put me back in the line.

"Look, Matt, you cannot be sitting on two chairs like that. You need to cool yourself off, otherwise you are gonna do something stupid. I don't want to see another Aaron episode with you."

Oh, she didn't even bother to sugarcoat this one at all. Aaron Grey was a quarterback at my high school. He was a typical All-American jock: tall, muscular, with surfer-type dirty blond hair and blue eyes. He knew that he was good looking, and he was using that to allow himself a lot. Arrogant and full of himself, he was center of attention of his teammates and peers. That did not stop most of the girls to be swept away by his good looks and confidence. Half of the girls were in love with him. Half of the girls...and me

It really hit me in my last year of high school. I was so infatuated with his character that I was even going to football games so I could see him play. It became on obsession, and I liked every minute of it. I even had couple pictures of him in my room: one in his football jersey, kneeling with one hand holding the football. Other one was of him posing for the camera, showing his round biceps flexed and flashing that devilish smile that was driving girls crazy. I never had courage to speak to him; he was not in any of my classes, so the only time I could see him was in the cafeteria or on the field. Unfortunately, all that fantasy started to show: my grades started to slip, and in three months I lost so much weight that my parents almost send me to a doctor. Luckily, Aaron's family moved to California, so I managed to get back to normal life. But that still left plenty of opportunity for Mary to remind me what kind of sucker I am. And today was one of those days

"I would still tell Hayden about how you feel, and let the ball roll from there." she suggested.

"Its easy for you to say that...I can't. I rather be around him and live a lie, than risk-"

"Risk what? You think that he will go and tell everybody about you? He doesn't sound like that kind a person," Mary snapped at me.

"No, not that...its more like...more like that if I tell him...he will withdraw from me." I finished.

At that moment, before Mary actually said anything, I knew what she was thinking and what she was going to say to me.

"Maybe that would be better for you at this moment."

Even I knew that sentence was coming, it still stung. I clenched my jaw, refusing to let her know how much I wanted her not to say what I knew it was true. Bitterness was pooling in my mouth, making talking even more difficult.

"You do understand why I'm saying this to you?" Mary pressed on.

I knew. I knew, because she was not telling me anything that I haven't thought about before, or at least not anything new. She was just making it official.

I need to cool off - to get away from Hayden.

"You can't have him." The sentence echoed in my brain again.

"Yes...I know." I whispered into the phone. I could hear her sigh on the other side. As much as I was in need of her shoulder to lean on right now, I wasn't going to dump my problems on her. I tried to sound more cheerful:

"But hey, at least I can go on with my life now."

She chuckled. I knew that she was trying to make the whole situation lighter for both of us.

"You need to learn to lie better, kiddo."

"Well you need to be a better teacher then," I replied, smiling as well. The tension was going away, letting us talk more relaxed now. We finished our conversation on more comfortable note.

I closed my phone, but I was still feeling terribly empty inside. I knew she was right. The friendship with Hayden was totally screwing me up, making even every day task difficult to focus on. It was definitively unhealthy way to live your life, and definitively not good for focusing on studying.

I made conscious decision to cut off Hayden from my life as much as possible.

(Hayden's point of view)

Grunting, I finished last set of exercises on the cable fly machine. I waved to one of guys that was just coming into the gym as I headed to the locker room. After I took a shower and changed to clean clothes, life seemed more pleasant. I got back into my car and started driving back home, stretching my sore muscles along the way. This week has been grueling for me: two midterm exams and several papers. The past few days were a bitch. Luckily, on Thursdays I only had a couple of easy classes and then the evening off, so I was definitively looking forward for some relaxation tonight. Driving back home, my mind drifted towards the fact that I haven't heard from Matt in almost a week. With all the homework that I had in beginning of the week, I made myself not to think about him. Now, I started to be increasingly worried. I realized that last time that we spoke was in the park, and that was Friday, six days ago. Since than, he hasn't called me, and I haven't seen him on campus either. Of course, explanation might be as simple as the fact that he had midterms as well; after all, the schedule was the same for him and me. And yet, anxious ideas started to course trough my head. The more I pondered about it, the more it troubled me. Why did I have the compulsive need to tell him all that stuff about me? I must have scared him away. Or at least now he thinks that I'm a freak who is medicated just enough to appears to be normal on the surface, while waiting to have something to set him off and start to break stuff around him.

"Nice work, Hayden," I said out loud to myself. The silence from Matt's end was confirming that theory. Now I didn't know at all should I call him or not. Drumming with my fingers on the steering wheel, I mused about that idea for couple seconds, and that I reached for my cell. Keeping one eye on the road, I quickly dialed the number. Watching the road, I listened nervously as I waited for the phone to start to ring on the other side. It rung couple times, and than my eyes glanced at the clock on the dashboard. It was only 8:15 am! I quickly closed my phone, ending the call. As nervous as I was, I had to laugh at my stupidity.

"Not everybody is awake at this hour, you idiot." I scolded myself.

Well, I guess I'll have to wait. I assumed that Matt had classes today, but I didn't know his Thursday schedule. Oh well, I guess I will have to be patient with that.

Trouble is, patience was never one of my virtues, and now it was wearing thin. Plus, I was getting pissed at myself for being impulsive and reaching for the cell phone, just like some spoiled brat who is used to have every wish granted immediately. I knew better than that. And on top of that, the presence of some annoying feeling that I couldn't quite understand was still pestering me. It was like feeling that I need to do or finish something, like something is been missing from my life. It was a pesky thing that was sitting in the back of my brain and didn't want to emerge fully so I could deal with it.

When I got back home, I just had enough time to change and to grab my backpack. On my way out I changed my mind about taking the car to go back to school; I was itching for a ride, and what better way to cure that problem than nice, fast ride to school and back. In no time at all, I was out on my bike, carefully warming up engine and tires. I decided not to take highway to school in favor of my favorite road that was carving some nice twisty curves try one of the local forest. It was little longer than taking the highway, but it was much more interesting and less crowded. In couple minutes I exited the subdivision and got my bike up to speed. As I leaned the bike in the first corner, I felt the familiar rush of adrenaline as I twisted the throttle, and a smile came across my face. This definitively beats droning on the boring highway.

I got to school with ten minutes to spare. As I was walking towards my lecture building, I realized that I left my cell phone in my car. I remember that I tossed it in one of the cubbyholes in the dashboard, and never bothered to take it out. It wasn't a big deal, but I was really wanted to call Matt this morning. Secretly, I was hoping that he would be able to meet me somewhere on campus. I knew I didn't have any valid reason to see him nor to call him, but I didn't care. Well, I guess that will have to wait until I go back home. Again, situation was required patience that I had very little of. A wave of completely irrational ideas came upon me:

"What if something happened to him? Or, if he decided to drop out and go back home? I will never be able to track him down or to see him again. What if..."

I caught myself working out possible scenarios why is Matt not calling me. I almost slapped myself. Maybe he is just been busy like you have been. Maybe he lost your number. Maybe he just doesn't want to call you.

That was it.

I realized where all the apprehension is coming from. I was afraid that Matt doesn't want talk to me anymore.

As I was climbing the hall stairs, I was finding more and more reasons to support that theory. It did make sense: we had some kind of a friendship going on until I found him almost hiding on the park bench, and started telling him things about my past that no one had heard from me before. He has a right to feel stalked, freaked, and maybe even scared.

I need to call him, as soon as possible.

(Matt's point of view)

I clenched the phone in my fist. It was a hard decision, but I managed not to answer. Besides, it only rang two times, then he hung up. Now the phone's screen was illuminating silently, like it was mocking me with its "Missed call" message. Indeed, I missed that call, in more ways than just that one.

Past few days has been hard on me. Besides midterm exams, I had whole bunch of stuff that was coursing through my head. Exams took a lot of my time, plus I was still preoccupied with idea about renting my own place. And on top of that, my decision to try to forget Hayden as much as possible, it wasn't going as planned. Despite the fact that I was true to my promise not to call him or contact him otherwise, it did nothing about clearing my head from thoughts of him. It had reached steady stage of yearning, where I would catch myself daydreaming of him. And it wasn't just that I would visualize Hayden alone. My thoughts were about us doing stuff together. Like that time when we studied in his kitchen, or sitting on the park bench, or just hanging out. But in those moments, in my thoughts and daydreams, Hayden would be more involved with me... just like that time when he was hugging that blond girl at the movies.

Thoughts of Hayden being physical like that with me would fill my whole body with strange mixture of both desire and fright at the same time. I knew that thinking of something like that would only cause more turmoil in my poor head, but I just couldn't stop. Visions of Hayden's strong hands on me and his arms around me, embracing my body, would make me shudder with unease. And after that, my body would be filled with a cold emptiness instead of warmth. And that feeling of emptiness was getting worse and worse as time went by. It was like picking an old scab - you knew it was bad, but you just couldn't help it or stop yourself from doing it.

The following several days went by quickly; I was deliberately staying out of my dorm as much as possible, realizing that if I keep myself busy with something, I was thinking less of my quandary. Trouble is, as much as I wanted to stay out of Hayden's life, he wasn't going to let me go that easily. I completely forgot that there are two players in this equation, and he wasn't following the plan that I intended for myself.

Hayden called me again on Friday evening, then again on Sunday afternoon. And again on Wednesday morning while I was in class. This time he left me a message:

"Hi Matt, it's Hayden. Um, I didn't hear from you for a long time, I was just wondering if everything all right with you. If you want to, just gimme a call back whenever you can. Bye."

I replayed it again and again, enjoying tone of his message and kept it as "Saved", so I could torment myself some more. I simply loved just to listen to his voice, day in and day out. That voice would send a tingle down my spine, and cause shivers in my hands. I memorized the whole sentence, even the slight hesitation that he placed in it, along with very polite request for a call back. I couldn't help but notice the civility of his sentence, and the way he left completely up to me if I wanted to call him at all or not.

Things like that mean a lot to me, speaking volumes about person's character and ability to avoid self-centrism, which is so common these days. Even without him contacting me directly, Hayden was making more and more of an impact on me. But what really set me in motion was the urgency and worry that was evident in his voice, although he was sounding calm and reassured. It was there, just barely, just enough to be missed if you are not listening carefully. Worrying tone in his voice was just too much for me to handle.

I paced my room for several minutes, until Steven yelled at me to quit or get out. I grabbed my jacket and simply flew downstairs to the park next to my quad. I forced myself to calm my breathing enough so I could talk normally, but my hands were still shaky when I dialed him back. It rang couple times, making me think that he won't answer, but I was wrong.

"Hello?"

"Hi Hayden, it's Matt."

"Matt? Hey, whatsup man! Haven't heard from you in so long, I was afraid that you went back home or something." He sounded cheerful and worried at the same time.

"No, I was just busy." Busy? Even that sounded hollow as an excuse. How can I be that busy not to pick up the phone? I was dipping into shady stories again, and I didn't like one bit.

"I mean, I was busy, but didn't get a chance to call you...I mean didn't..." my brain betrayed me. How is that that I have no problem saying shady stuff directly to his face, and yet when I want to tell the truth, my tongue just quit working?

"Nah, its ok, man. I've been slammed with all my midterms, so I totally understand when you are not in the mood to talk to anybody." He saved me from future stuttering, which only led to my next blunder:

"No, I wanted to call you to talk, but..."

Oh crap. This "tell the truth" deal is really not working out for me. Dig yourself out from this one, Matt!

"...but...I..." Despite temperature in mid-fifties that day, I started to sweat. I forgot how it is difficult for me to talk to him, how I start babbling incoherently so easily and yet stuff that I want to say simply don't leave my mouth. The moment started to be too prolonged and I was becoming aware of that fact all too clearly. This time he was also hesitating, leaving me with half of my sentences still hanging. I inhaled and just when I was going to say something, he said:

"Can I see you?"

If I was a stuttering mess a second ago, now I was stumped. With my mouth still open, I started to shiver, still trying to say something.

"...I mean, if you want to...and if you are here on campus." he finished.

" Um...yes, sure. I can meet you." I managed to croak.

" Same bench, near Phys Ed complex?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Ok, see you then in a few."

"Ok...bye"

I closed my phone. Now what! All the previous days, almost two weeks I had been trying so hard to avoid this from happening, and one phone call and I'm back at zero. Staring at the ground, I could sense my mind racing, searching for possibilities for an answer. The easiest thing to do was to just go, and enjoy seeing Hayden. Just let go of all worries and go with the flow in this current

Trouble is, such easygoingness and worry-free moment was not something that I could do. There was too much going on to even try something like that. I knew that chance of me spilling my guts to him about everything that's been bothering me would be hitting too close to home. Or, should I just go with it and just deal with consequences later?

This sucks.

I jumped on my feet - I had to get going. I almost broke into a run- I was going to see him again!

(Hayden's Point of view)

This time I had advantage of seeing Matt arriving. From across the grass field in between football and lacrosse field, I could see him, walking briskly toward the benches. I could not look away as he was approaching me, taking in his every detail.

It was funny how I even liked the way he was walking. He held his head straight up and his shoulders squared, as almost as he was on the runway. Far from the over-exaggerated unnatural walking that models are actually displaying, he managed to look graceful, yet masculine, and...simply stylish. His aristocratic facial features on his slender figure only further complemented the whole picture. He was wearing a pair of faded jeans paired with just a t-shirt and a jacket. Nothing that would evoke elegance or style, and yet the impression remained.

As he came closer, I noticed that his hair was a tad longer; he used to have it smoothed forward with bangs sprouting upwards from his forehead, much like my style; but now it was longer so it was forming bangs left and right on his forehead. It made him look so...sexy!

Butterflies in my stomach churned again, just like when he called me back fifteen minutes ago. When he called me I had to calm myself down by breathing in and out a couple times. It has been almost two weeks since we spoken last, and the sudden phone call from him threw me off balance.

As he came closer I saw that his eyes looked sunken and darker, like someone who had a lot on their mind... and he looked tired.

"Hey Matt." I greeted him, hoping that he won't notice my nervousness. The situation was awkward enough.

"Hi Nicky." He replied, smiling. God, I loved his smile! The look of tiredness disappeared from his face in an instant. His eyes were sparkling again, and his whole appearance was so full of life that he was simply radiating youthful happiness.

"You look better than last time we met." I continued. The moment I said that, I regretted it. Last thing I want to do at this moment was to open the conversation with thing that brought me here today.

"Oh, thanks. You look good too." he replied. I waved towards the bench, where we sat down.

"You done with your midterms?" I continued. I needed some more mindless chitchat before I get to what brought me here.

"I dunno...I guess I'll find out next week. I know I did good on Biology, but I kinda messed with Chem."

We sat in silence for couple moments. I noticed that he was studying me, but I didn't want to turn and face him. Not yet. One more moment. Just so I can recoup enough to sound intelligent.

Aw, screw it; I need to get this done. I took deep breath and made myself look up to him.

"Matt, I owe you an apology...I don't know what happened to me and why I had the need to unload myself with all my crap on you that Friday...it's not something that I normally do, and it just doesn't feel right to me to...um, tax you with all the stuff that I did in the past. Ever since then I felt like an idiot...and I was afraid that I might have scared you away. That is the last thing that I want to do. I...I don't know what got into me to tell you all that. I mean, that is stuff that I don't like to discuss with my own family, and yet, it didn't bother me one bit to impart on you, when you have all your own stuff and problems going on. I am sorry that I put you through that." I finally finished my chatter and looked back at him. To my surprise, he had a bewildered look on his face.

"You...you want to...apologize to... ME?" he stuttered after couple very long moments of uncomfortable silence. His eyes remained locked on mine, his brows displaying that uncomfortable mixture of anxiety. Before I could even say something, he added hastily: "It is me who needs to apologize! I...I've been ignoring you for...no real good reason, and you are the last person to deserve that! Sometimes I really wonder how I have any friends at all the way I'm acting sometimes. I hate myself for the fact that I couldn't find two minutes to call you, and I know you've been calling me. It's not fair to you, and I'm really sorry for treating you like that. Its just...I'm still trying to figure something out in my life, and I cannot get to -"

"Matt." I said quietly. I had to stop him, it was obvious to me that he has lot on his mind that he is trying to deal with and that this issue was stressing him out. He stopped in mid-sentence, resting his eyes on me. Instantly he calmed down. I could see his shoulder relaxing and his face losing the tension that was present only a minute ago.

"It's ok dude. I was just afraid that I freaked you out that night and scared you away. I really don't want to do such a thing."

"Oh Hayden...you didn't do nothing of the sort. I cannot believe that you could think that this is your fault! I'm such an idiot for not calling you! I shoulda...Oh, I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry." He finished, burying his eyesight somewhere at the concrete walkway between us.

Feeling somewhat confused, I remained silent for couple moments, just looking at him. He shifted uncomfortably, and then sat up, looking me straight into the eyes:

"Hayden, I won't let this happen again. I'm sorry."

I hardly heard his last sentence. Again, I was riveted by his gaze that he shot across the bench that I barely comprehend what he said. He was looking at me with such a determination that I knew he meant every word he said. But I just couldn't open my mouth to respond to him. He was looking at me for a full second, and then he tilted his head. There was a slight change in his expression as his emotions had changed.

"Hayden?" His look shifted slightly from anxiety to question.

I gave him a smile. I felt enormous relief, since all the things that I have been worried about weren't real. But I was still nervous about something that I couldn't quite place my finger on. I decided to be open with him:

"Don't beat yourself about it, man. I just hate being intrusive towards people, and since I don't know you that well, I started to think that you don't want to be treated like that. I hate pushy people, and I felt like I was one of those, and I was pressuring you."

"No, no...I...it wasn't that! It's just that I still have to deal with a lot of crap in my life right now, so I decided to figure out where I am and go from there. I don't want to be someone who constantly needs help to figure things out." He finished.

"Matt, I don't mind helping you out. I already told you so. I really like you and I don't see you as burden as long as I don't have to physically carry your ass around." I smiled.

He laughed at my joke, dissipating tension that was built between us. I loved him in that moment: relaxed, smiling, and easy going. I wish I could make him act like that all of the time. But in an instant that moment was gone, like he pulled up a curtain or a wall around himself.

"Thanx, man... I really like to hang around you." He became quiet again. I sensed that there is a lot more to him than he is ready to disclose, and I didn't wanted to pressure him.

He broke the silence with a question that sounded like it took a lot of effort for him to say: "Do you...wanna go to see a movie or something...this Friday?" he looked at me tentatively.

I was half way to agree, when I remember that I promised Courtney that we'll go out on the same night.

"I can't...I already made some plans." I replied.

"Oh, okay then." He tried to hide his disappointment but did poor job at it. His eyes went dark again and he sunk his gaze to the ground. I just couldn't let him hang like that:

"But you can call me on Saturday morning, or I'll call you if you prefer it that way. Maybe we can grab a pizza or something together."

"Yeah, that sounds okay, I guess." He was still looking at the ground, and then he looked around like he remembered that he has something else to do.

"Um, I gotta go. I have an afternoon class to go to, I don't want to be late."

"Ok, man, no problem" I replied as he stood up. I got up too, and we were facing each other again. I looked at him, as he was gawking around acting as he had something else to say. He jammed his hands in his jeans pockets and said quietly:

"I...I appreciate you being so thoughtful, Hayden. Not many people that I know would be as considerate as you are. I wish that there is was a way to...-" his voice trailed off as he looked away again, like he was seeking the proper word. Feelings started to churn in me again. He looked so insecure, so vulnerable that I was on the verge of embracing him in the hug. I felt my abs tightening from desire for physical contact. As if something from inside of my body wanted to come out to him and comfort his apprehension.

He looked back at me and smiled, like he brushed away some thought that was clouding his mind. "I'm glad that I know you, Nicky," he said simply.

I almost gulped. He was being so sincere that I couldn't just speak clearly after that.

"Um, thanks... so...just give me a call so maybe we can meet. Or call me even if you just want to talk, ok?" I shot him a smile back.

"Okay." This time he was grinning. We bumped our fist against each other and then he took off.

I started to walk towards parking lot, feeling a lot better. So, I was wrong. He wasn't being freaked out; he just has a lot on his mind. That was a relief - at least I didn't scare him away. I placed a lot at stake when I asked him to meet me today, and in such rude manner. But I simply had to get it out of my system. The thought of him fading from my life was too disturbing.

And again, I acted hastily. This time it turned to be a good thing, since it gave me a chance to talk to him, but I knew that I was getting too impulsive again, and only when I'm next to him. In the rest of my life, I was as composed as always. But Matt was obviously pushing a lot of my buttons that I thought I was in control of. And there was more than that. I still had that nagging feeling that there is more to that story than he is telling me. It was bothering me, but I was not about to ask Matt about it. He has a right to his privacy. And I knew better than to pry - I hated whenever people were trying to dig stuff out of me, so I would never do that to someone else. No matter how much I would love to find out what was bothering him, that was none of my business.

I got into my car and grinned silently. It is good to be wrong from time to time.

(Matt's point of view)

I finished conversation with one of landlords from the newspaper that I was holding in front of me. I was sitting in coffee shop inside a local strip mall, about 10 miles from campus. I was still trying to find decent place to live. I had couple interesting places that I visited; one of them was almost perfect, but family's son was returning from Navy in two months, which would force me to look for room again two weeks before semester would end, and that was not acceptable. But this next lead was promising: it was just two more miles away, but price was tempting and landlord had the place recently remodeled. The only thing that was confusing me was that she was describing a ride through the forest to get there, which I was getting a little worried about. But hey, it was third of a price than rooms' downtown, so I was willing to give it a try. We agreed that I could come and take look at the room this afternoon, which would still leave me time to go back to the dorm and maybe get some homework done. Than I remembered it was Friday: "What a hell I was thinking about? Friday is spelled 'Party' around here for sure." I mused. Last Friday I went to local bookstore that was open late and stayed there until 11pm, and then went back to the dorm, so that I wouldn't have to deal with loud music for so long. When I got into the room, only thing that was louder than music thumping downstairs was Steven's snoring. He had headphones connected to his laptop and he was sleeping through the whole ordeal without even bothering to take his shoes off. I must admit that I envied him: I could never fall asleep in noisy surroundings.

I spend another hour strolling try the mall, than I got into my car and start driving all the way through suburbs along the highway. According to the lady that I spoke to, couple miles ahead there was an exit for the road that would lead me trough forest to the town where her house was. It took me almost an hour to get to it; the afternoon rush hour was hard to negotiate as people were pouring into subdivisions along the highway. I made mental note to myself to avoid traveling here at this hour. Finally I got to the country road that she had described and I was pleasantly surprised by lack of traffic. The road entered the forest and became twisty combination of hills and dips, leading me through it. It was a very scenic route and I began to enjoy the scenery, with all the fall colors of the trees

I was humming along with the stereo when the car engine suddenly quit. I panicked a little bit since there was no warning, but I managed to pull off onto the shoulder and stop the car safely. I tried to start the engine over several times, but without success. I got out of the car and lifted the hood, looking for something obviously wrong there. "Who are you fooling Matt? You don't even know how to check the oil in there." I pondered to myself. I closed the hood and returned to the car. Outside was getting considerably colder and windy, and I only had my sweatshirt on. Back in the car, I reached for my cell phone, but there was no signal. Besides, whom would I call? I didn't have AAA or a number to any of the towing companies around here. I mused over my situation for several minutes. If I stay here, I could count on someone passing by and maybe giving me a ride. Or I can start going on foot, doubling my chances by getting to a gas station or somewhere that I could use the phone, plus I could hitchhike along the way. That sounded like valid plan. After all, I had years of hiking behind me, so I wasn't afraid walking several miles on the paved road. I tried again to start the engine several times without success, so I gathered my stuff and got out of my car.

The sunlight was fading on the horizon, so I locked the car and set a brisk pace. I started to take pleasure in my little misfortune: this was an adventure! The air was crisp and filled with smell of autumn trees and shrubbery, and I was enjoying site of fantastic fall colors of the forest. The wind has started to pick up a little, but I wasn't worried, since I was warm enough with my sweatshirt and fast walking.

(Hayden's point of view)

"Well I'm glad that it wasn't me who choose this garbage." I thought, trying to pay attention to action on the screen. Or lack of it. It was Courtney's choice to see this movie, and one thing was certain: it was a chick-flick all the way. Not that I am against romantic movies, but this was so watered down and drawn out that I was barely stifling my yawning. I don't think that Courtney was having a good time either. We both just sat silently in half-empty theater. Finally, the movie finished and both of us got out of our seats. I could sense tension building between us, I just couldn't figure out exactly why. We got out in the parking lot, and I placed my arm around her shoulder as we walked slowly towards my car; our breaths visible like clouds of steam. I decided to take Caddy since it was more luxurious than my sporty Golf, but Courtney turned her nose up at it in mock snobbishness when I was picking her up earlier that evening:

"I cannot believe that you are driving this...this old geezer's car! Where on earth did you get it? Retirement home?" she giggled as she walked around it to get inside.

"Hey, this car is faster than your Honda...as a matter of fact, it is faster than a LOT of cars out there. And it's funeral home, not retirement home where I got it." I played along, pretending that I'm offended. She made a show getting along side of the passenger side, pretending that she has a walker. It cracked me up. I laughed and we both got in.

But now, she was quiet as I opened the door for her. She barely said a word on the way back to her home. It started to rain, making the streets shiny with lights reflecting off the wet pavement.

The silence in the car seemed only emphasized with very quiet stereo that I left on low volume. When I stopped the car in front of her apartment building, she looked at me and spoke:

"Hayden. I'm sorry that you had such crappy time tonight."

I looked at her in surprise.

"Hey, no need to apologize. Its not your fault that movie wasn't what I usually go to see. Chick flicks are not my cup of tea - it doesn't mean that it was a bad movie."

"Yeah, it was. But there is something else that is bothering me." She was biting her lip now. Wow, something was really bothering her.

"Hayden, I'm getting mixed signals from you. You are very nice guy, and I like to be with you, but you...you seem distant. Like there is someone else in your life besides me. Maybe it's just me getting inpatient. Maybe I'm just paranoid or stupidly jealous over nothing, but that is how I feel. I guess this insecurity is there because I never had been with a guy who wants to be with me, and at the same time...is so far-away."

I sighed.

She was right. And there was no good explanation for me to give to her. I didn't know myself where I am with my feelings toward her or...I shook my head. This is getting complicated.

"Well to tell you that I know what is going on in my head won't be true. I don't want to be dishonest to anybody...and I certainly don't want to lie to you. Truth is...I don't know where I am right now. You are right - I haven't sorted out all the shit in my head. Ever since the divorce I've been off from the dating scene - and by choice. And I've been perfectly fine with that until a month ago. And then -" I didn't finished. Courtney interrupted me, almost in bewilderment:

"You've been married? When?"

"Until one year ago. I was married for two years, and I'm still in process of divorcing Melissa - and it is not going easy. And that is very condensed version." I finished, looking at the steering wheel.

Courtney remained silent for couple moments, and spoke again:

"Wow, I guess I didn't see that coming. Are you still in love with her?"

"No, no I'm not! 'It's not going easy' is referred to trouble that I have over the paperwork and correspondence that I have to deal with the lawyer - not over any remaining feelings."

"Oh, I see. Sorry...I guess that is why you are so reluctant to get into any relationship right now, " she nodded her head.

"Well...I guess so. At least you know why I'm so...distant. I really hate to be that way, but I don't want to fake any feelings. I was never good at lying - and I'm not going to start it with you either. I - I'm sorry for the shitty situation that I'm placing you in because of that." I looked at her, and for a change she smiled.

"Its all right, Hayden. I guess that now I know about this I should be relieved it's not some other girl."

I shot her half smile, and then she leaned over and gave me quick peck on the cheek.

"Thanks for telling me that. I guess I'll should take this slower than I planned." She winked at me and exited the car.

I started to drive back home. I felt relief for giving her somewhat valid explanation why I want to keep my distance, and at the same time I felt like crap for not able to tell her the whole truth. But on the other side, I didn't know Courtney that well. I wasn't afraid that she would tell the whole school that I'm gay or something like that. It was just something that it was too personal to share with...anyone.

Immersed in my thoughts, I didn't even notice that it started to rain very hard. Only when I tried to stop abruptly at the traffic light and car started to slide sideways, I realized that street is really slippery. I snapped from my thoughts and started to pay attention to road. Soon I was on highway, but shortly I realized that there was an accident somewhere ahead, jamming all the lanes with cars so I decided to take different route. With rain turning into thunderstorm I had to slow down. After twenty minutes of crawling through the suburbs, I got onto road back home. The rain and wind were beating on the car so hard that it was making it shake and wobble so I was driving with caution. Now I was regretting decision to take Caddy tonight; with its rear-wheel drive it wasn't best of the choice for slippery roads. I passed one car that was parked on the shoulder; it was barely visible in pouring rain. I turned the radio down, truing to concentrate on the road while bands of rain where dancing on the hood. Several miles of crawling try the storm passed while I was carefully negotiating the road watching rain being picked by the wind flailing over the pavement.

As I was descending through one of sweeping curves, I noticed something moving on the side of the road. It took a double take to recognize that it was a person walking, hunched over with hands stuffed deep into his pockets. "What a shitty day for a walk" I thought. I slowly passed the guy, debating should I stop or not. After all, it was late at night and people don't' usually go for a walk around here. I decided to stop, making sure that the doors are locked and then I rolled the passenger window down. You never know what you might encounter on conditions like this. Rain and wind started to rush inside while the guy made his way to the car. I saw two white hands gripping the door as he leaned in. I could see that his sweatshirt is soaked so badly that it was hanging from his body like a rag. His head was covered with hoodie, equally drenched with water, preventing me from seeing his face. He started to lift his hand to get soaked hood from his face.

"Bad day for a walk, huh b- ?" I started to say and than I froze in mid sentence. I could swear that my heart stopped beating for a moment. Like in a horror movie, guy slowly lifted his hood, revealing ghostly pale face, framed with hair glued to his forehead and pair of blue eyes.

Eyes that I knew too well.

Eyes that were looking at me feebly while he was trying to utter something:

"H...Ha...Hayd-en..."

I was still frozen, with my mouth half open in shock. It took me almost half of minute to grasp the concept of Matt's presence outside in this storm, holding to the door of my car. I lounged outside, running around the car toward him. He was just standing there, waiting for me to get to him, shivering in the downpour. I swung the passenger door open and helped him to sit down in the seat. He resembled a doll, not capable of moving on his own. I had to help him to get his feet inside of the car. He was just sitting there, incapable of speaking, except still trying to say my name with trembling lips.

The only thing that it was racing trough my mind was how cold he was. His hands were like blocks of ice; sweatshirt was dripping ice-cold rainwater over my hands, telling me that he was walking in this storm for a while.

"Jesus...Matt...we need to get you out of these clothes...and fast"

I started to work to get his sweatshirt off, but it wasn't easy. His hands were so stiff that it took considerable effort to get his clothes off him. Luckily I had my gym bag in the trunk, so I rushed to get it. I knew I had an old sweatshirt along some t-shirts in there; I also found a towel, but I didn't have any sweat pants. "I guess that will have to wait... hopefully it shouldn't matter that much," I thought, as I was rummaging through the bag. I grabbed the towel and clothes and rushed to his side, where he was trying to get his soaked sneakers off his feet. I handed him a towel and grabbed his sneakers. Both shoelaces, soaked with rain snapped off in my hands as I was rushing to get them off. I helped to dry him off and to put dry clothes on, noticing worryingly how pale his whole body had become. He was so ghostlike that I was seriously worried about him. While I was rubbing his hands in mine to warm them up, I looked up to him, meeting his shaky gaze.

"You gonna be ok, buddy...just hang in there. We'll fix this up in no time. I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you."

It was more encouragement to me than to him, as he was looking at me, with his colorless lips trembling.

"Ha-...Hayden..." It was more of whisper than a voice. I had to hurry up.

I closed his door and then I rushed back in the driver's seat. Turning on the heater to max, I shifted the car into gear and slammed on the gas in haste. The heavy Cadillac swayed left and right, trying to find enough grip on slippery road. I eased off the throttle and car finally swayed onto the right path.

I looked over to him, getting increasingly worried. I was wondering that maybe I should turn around and take him to the hospital instead. I decided to keep a close eye on him for next couple minutes and then decide what to do. I was wondering if hypothermia has set in already. It was encouraging that he wasn't sleepy - that was good sign; but his whole upper body looked like it was completely drained of blood.

I tried to start the conversation:

"Dude...what a hell where you doing out there?" I glanced towards him. He had his eyes riveted on me, still too shaky to talk. Slowly, he lifted his hands in front of the heater vent and started to rub them together. I had to keep my eyes on the road, but every once in a while I would glance at him. Slowly, very slowly he started to form words:

"My car...broke...down...back t-there."

"That was your car? Holy cow, that was miles away from where I picked you up! How long you have been in that rain?"

" I...I dun-no..." he replied, gazing out the windshield into the night.

We drove in silence for several minutes. I noticed that he was moving a little more, trying to rub his shoulders.

"This is...a...good...s-song," he stuttered pointing towards the stereo.

"Huh? Oh, yeah - 'Hoobastank'. They are ok." I replied, taking another glimpse at him. It was hard for me to see how he was doing in the dimly lit conditions inside of the car.

We were entering town. My place was only minutes away, but I decided to slow down. There was no reason to get into the accident now, when we were so close to home. After few more turns, I pulled into the driveway and opened the garage to get the car in. Matt managed to get out on his own, but he was still walking like robot up to the house, leaving wet footprints of his bare feet on the floor behind him. His jeans were still dripping water as I led him to the bathroom.

"Matt, I want you to get into the shower and don't get out until you are thawed. Do you understand me?"

He nodded his head and a trace of smile came upon his face for my joke attempt, and then he got in there and turned the water on. Before I exited the bathroom, I looked at him one more time. His face was still ashen white, but color was coming back into his lips.

"I'll get you some dry clothes...I'll toss it on the floor inside. You can pull the shower curtain behind you so you can have some privacy. Ok?"

"O...Ok," he replied, and than turned to me and locked his feverish eyes onto mine.

"Nic-ky...Thank...you."

This time I didn't even think twice. I hugged him, feeling his cold face on the side of my neck. He barely reacted, but for that brief second as I was holding him, I could feel him relaxing.

"Its all right buddy...now get in there," I patted his shoulder.

He dutifully turned away and got into the bathtub. I climbed upstairs and got some of my clothes that would fit him. Luckily, he was about my height; so most of my clothes should do fine for this occasion. I grabbed a sweatshirt and sweatpants, along with a t-shirt, boxer shorts and pair of socks.

Descending the stairs, I could hear water in the shower. I knocked on the door, and without peeking in, I dropped the clothes on the floor. Then I went in to the kitchen and pulled some stuff together for both of us to eat.

Several minutes later, Matt emerged from the shower. He looked better; he wasn't as pale as he was before, but I could still see that he was shaken by this night's events.

I led him to the couch in the living room and gave him soup that I heated in the microwave. Both of us sat down, not saying anything. He was occasionally sipping his soup and watching TV; I had "Die Hard with Vengeance" on, and Bruce Willis was racing behind the ambulance in taxicab. Ordinary that chase would have my attention, but not tonight. My attention and thoughts were affixed on pale, half-frozen boy sitting next to me. I noticed that his hair was still wet; droplets of water were glistening in the room's light. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a new towel.

Matt was looking in the direction where I had disappeared, craning his head so much that he was threatening to spill his soup. I came behind him, wrapped the towel around his neck and gently started to dry his hair. At first he tried to protest, but I gently shushed him. He relaxed, accepting the attention I was giving to him. I could see that he had closed his eyes, now relaxing and enjoying the warmth and rubbing that he was receiving. The thought flashed through my head that this was something I had wanted to do for a very long time - to touch him, to take care of him. However, at this moment, there was no sexual connotation. I felt nothing but concern for him. It felt just likeI would drying a hair of my younger brother, if I had one. I finished with the towel and tossed it in the bathroom, and then returned to the couch.

"You want a blanket?" I asked. He shook his head, silently, and then changed his mind and actually spoke: "No, no thank you."

We sat quietly for the rest of the movie, and then I went upstairs to spare bedroom. I had to clear bunch of crap that I had there, since it was serving as closet and utility room at the same time. After clearing some space, I made up bed for Matt. I tossed extra blanket on it and left the floor lamp on. When I came downstairs, he was already nodding his head. I took the empty soup bowl that was sitting on the coffee table in front of him to the kitchen. When I came back, he was awake, but barely.

"I made you a bed in the spare bedroom. It's upstairs and than to the left. Or, if you want you can stay here as well, but downstairs gets cold during the night." He nodded his head, and then stood up. He looked like someone who had run a marathon. Very slowly, he went upstairs. I stay up for another hour, finishing some stuff and then I went upstairs too. He left the door to the room slightly open: I could hear his even breathing in the dark. I paused in the hallway for a minute or so, listening to his breathing, and then I went to my room. This night was too stressful for both of us and I needed rest as well.

(Matt's point of view)

I was trying to run, but it was like I was moving through molasses. My hands and feet were weighing a ton each, and despite the fact that I was pushing and pulling with all my strength, I wasn't moving at all. I felt cold water rushing over me and I knew I'd drown if I don't do something. I could feel it climbing up my torso and taking a hold of my neck with its deadly grip. I opened my mouth but nothing was coming out as I was still trying to swim away with my hands and feet that were not listening.

(Hayden's point of view)

There was a noise somewhere in the house. It woke me up but not enough to open my eyes. I remained silent, still with eyes defiantly closed, but now I was listening carefully. The sound didn't repeated itself, and it was hard to recognize anything over the storm that was still going on. Sleep started to lull me in over, when I heard it again. This time I was sure that it was coming from inside of the house. I started to listen, this time more awake.

Once more I heard strange clatter.

I couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought that it must be that the storm had knocked off a rain gutter or something. But it sounded more like it was inside, almost in the hallway in front of my room. I sat quietly in my bed, listening.

Again, this time longer. And louder. It sounded like a sigh, and this time I could recognize the sound of shuffling, like when clothes are being shuffled during a walk. Or a heist.

I jumped from the bed softly, grabbing my home defense weapon: aluminum baseball bat that I had next to my bed. With that in my hand, I inched forward toward hallway door, that I left half-open. I could see light from hallway nightlight that I had there for midnight excursion to the bathroom. I slowly nudged the door open, but the hallway was empty. My heart was beating high in my throat as I glanced down the staircase. It was dark and shadowy, so I started to advance slowly. My feet almost reached first step when I heard the noise again, this time somewhere behind me.

It was coming from the room that Matt was sleeping in.

I turned around and swiftly got to the doorway. The room was dark, but my eyes were adjusting so I could make out shapes in it. I advanced forward, as I figured out where the stuff inside is. To the left was walk-in closet, and on the right was a bookshelf and a floor lamp; next to it was my snowboard that I didn't bother to find a place to put away last night. That was how far I got before I realized what was happening.

It almost looked like Matt was fighting with somebody in the bed. His arms were flailing and his whole body was struggling with sheets and comforters. And there was muffled moaning coming from him. I dropped my bat and in two steps I crossed the room and jumped on the bed.

"Matt." I tried to grab his hands, but it was hard for me to find them in all that commotion that was going on.

"Matt!" I said louder this time. He stopped flailing with his arms, but his body was still wrestling with covers underneath me.

"Matt!" I said again, this time finding his shoulders and gripping them firmly. He pushed up against me, almost lifting himself off the bed, still not fully awake. I had to yell his name again, and only then he finally stopped fighting with me. I could see that his eyes opened, circling wildly, and than he took in a deep, ragged breath. It took him several moments to regain his senses and to begin to relax. I took my hands from his shoulders, feeling relief myself. In the dark room I couldn't make out his facial features clearly, but it looked like he had his eyesight firmly on me. I remained sitting on the bed for another minute or so, making sure that he had awaken fully from his dream. He was breathing almost normally again, so I moved from the bed where I was sitting next to him.

Suddenly, a hand gripped my left wrist, stopping me in mid-motion. It was so fast that it startled me, even if I knew that it was Matt who grabbed my hand. I looked at him in surprise. His head was lifted from the pillow, and even in the darkness of the room, with rain still beating hard on the window, I could see that his eyes were riveted on me. I knew in an instant what was wrong.

He was too scared to be left alone.

Without giving it one moment to think about it, I lifted the covers from the side of the bed and slid next to him. He moved a little to give me more space, and I put my arm around him. It was an impulsive move, that seemed completely natural and innocent. Matt seemed to share the same thought with me, and he nestled in my armpit quietly. A minute later, he was fast asleep.

Staring at the ceiling, I was listening to his even breathing. I could feel his breath on my arm every time he exhaled. While he was calm and peaceful, I was a different story. Instead settling down, my mind started to race in different directions, but one though was predominant.

I am sleeping with Matt in my arms.

The thought of it was so unreal and far-fetched that I had to re-assure myself several times that it was true.

I am sleeping with Matt in my arms.

In me, concern was growing at an alarming pace. This is it. This is what I wanted from the moment that I saw him the first time. For the first time in my life, I am sleeping next to a guy. A male. A boy.

A beautiful blue-eyed boy.

Feelings started to churn in me again. Matt had caused so much commotion in my life that it was hard to believe that he was laying next to me now.

And yet, the conflict in me was growing into the battle of emotions that were forcefully colliding in me. I shouldn't be here. This is wrong. This should not be happening.

This was meant to be just a fantasy, something that should never happen in real life. Fantasies are not supposed to live up so you can feel their heart beat on the palm of your hand underneath the covers next to you. And it wasn't just the fact that it felt odd and strange. That was not it. There was something else than just prosaic and simple notion of being in the same bed with a guy. This was deeper and more profound.

In an instant, I realized where the apprehension and mixed emotions are coming from.

Laying in bed with Matt snuggled next to me was feeling...just right. Just like it is supposed to be.

That was it.

Whether I wanted to admit this to myself or not, the feeling of peace and harmony started to fill my whole body, bringing me incredible tranquility.

I realized that the feeling that I had in the last couple months have finally emerged. Like a train emerging suddenly from the tunnel at full speed, a single feeling came upon me and took over, muffling all ambiguity and uneasiness that was coursing through me moments ago.

With Matt in my arms, breathing softly next to me, I felt complete.

End of chapter 11

I do apologize to all of you guys who had been waiting impatiently for all this time. I knew that I will be off from writing for a while when I announced it, but this was far beyond my expectations. Good thing is that now you have ch 11 to read and (hopefully) enjoy, while I struggle with ch. 12 (in the making as we speak) and my chronic lack of time and sleep.

HF

P.S. Rip_Tide on Yahoo groups is always open for you to post questions and comments.