The Kill
I briefly considered Mike's offer. I thought about the times we were together. True, we were happy, but how long can it last? Mike was too confused. I needed him to be sure. This could mean my lifelong happiness. Besides, was I ready to let go of Ben? He may not forgive me ever, but I still love him deeply. Mike, on the other hand, was different. It was always brotherly love, mixed with sympathy. I was undecided. If I had a choice, I would be with Ben. But if Ben wanted nothing to do with me, would I consider Mike? I thought about it and the answer was "yes," but Mike had to find himself first. I was torn.
I strode back to the empty building, my mind conflicted. I wanted to tell Ben and Josh the coast was clear, that they could leave now without being harassed. When I opened the door to the empty room, I was momentarily stunned.
Ben was standing with his back to the windows. The setting sun illuminated his body and cast a long shadow in the room. His hair glistened, his body shimmered as droplets of water rolled off his beautiful physique. His shirt clung to him like a glove, revealing every contour of his muscles. As he turned, his muscles rippled, and the ever changing light of dusk painted his body with shades of red and orange like watercolor. He stood there like a perfect painting out of Michelangelo's sketchbook. Neither Josh nor I could take our eyes off this magnificent sight. It was breathtaking.
"I'm all wet. I need to get out of these clothes." He mumbled to himself. He slowly lifted his shirt and pulled it over his head. That glorious figure, now on full display. He casually flung his shirt to one side. That was when he noticed both of us staring at him.
"What?" He asked innocently. I had to shake my head to get out of the trance. It was a hypnotic moment, so surreal. Josh, as if by instinct, crawled to Ben and lowered his pants. He hungrily engulfed that thick shaft into his mouth, devouring it. For a moment I wished I were him.
Ben sucked in air and threw his head back. His hands gripped Josh's head on both sides, guiding him. He moaned, so sexy and carnal. He started thrusting in and out of Josh's mouth, his grunts so powerful and animalistic. His muscles tightened and relaxed on each thrust, he started to stand on tiptoes when he pushed forward. By now Josh has lowered Ben's pants completely, stroking Ben's strong thighs as he sucked. Ben was stark naked and unashamed. What a wonderful picture of giving and receiving, of lust and desire, of pleasure and carnal joy; only I wasn't in the picture.
I suddenly understood what Ben meant by using sex to cope. For this instant, all was forgotten. All his pain was unimportant. For this brief moment, he could be away from the world of hurt waiting for him. He could forget about Jimmy. And my existence only served to increase his burden and remind him of the very pain that he tried to avoid so desperately. I have brought him happiness, but also unspeakable misery. It was at that moment that I decided to let go, that Ben was better off without me, at least for now. I was never going to stop loving him, but he should have the right to live without me constantly shoving his deepest hurt in his face.
I looked at Josh. He seemed as obsessed with Ben as I was. He was completely mesmerized by Ben, totally held captive. They seemed perfect together. He would never refuse Ben's advances, and there were no strings attached, just what Ben was looking for.
"Stand up, I want to fuck you." Ben commanded. There was no tenderness, no love, just a simple directive, yet Josh complied. He stood, hands against the wall, legs apart, ready to be fucked.
And there was no hesitation as Ben's cock thrust into Josh's ass all at once. Just a grunt and a yelp of pain, or was it pleasure? It was both, as I could see on Josh's face. He was enjoying it tremendously, to be taken, to be used. As Ben fucked Josh brutally right in front of me, I couldn't resist thinking they were the perfect pair. Sure, Ben was definitely taking out his anger and frustration on Josh, but Josh seemed to like it, so what's the harm? May be this was therapeutic, if only an escape.
It was funny how watching them fuck contributed to my emotional process of letting Ben go. They were in their own world and I wouldn't be missed. I quietly exited the room, and as I left the building, the halls were filled with the sounds of their copulation; raw, animal sounds. Just a couple of days ago I would have been insanely jealous and angry; now I'm actually happy for them. It didn't mean I loved Ben any less; it just meant that I loved him enough to let him have what's best for him, even if that's not me.
Perhaps one day he will turn around, I don't know. But for now things were best left as they were. Ben was right; I was too intense. I wanted too much, I expected too much. May be Ben was a mustang, never meant to be tamed. May be this was his true form.
I was surprisingly peaceful the next day. At least I knew Ben was in good hands. It gave me the space to consider Mike's offer. I went to his room to talk. I wanted to see if he has figured things out.
"Rick! I was just about to look for you!" Mike greeted me excitedly as he opened the door.
"What's up?"
"Look at these!" I was shocked to see photos of Ben and Josh having sex in that empty building. Clearly someone took this from outside of the windows the day it happened.
"Who took these?"
"A guy was walking by the building that day and saw movement. He went closer and when he found that the two were having sex, he started taking pictures with his phone. He even recorded a part of it. Wanna see?"
I felt cold. "What are you going to do with these? Who else got these?"
"Just me and him. I told him not to do anything yet. I can use this."
"Use this? What the hell are you talking about?"
"It's my big break, Rick! No, it's ours! Don't you hate him? He dumped you and hooked up with this guy from the Bruins! This is like the biggest scandal ever! Having sex in public, on campus! We could get him suspended, or kicked off the team!"
"Why would you want that? Our championship is coming up!"
"Don't you see? It's my chance to shine! I'll replace him as quarterback! I'll lead us to victory and be forever remembered as the quarterback of the champion team!"
My eyes narrowed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Ben gave us that victory over the Bruins, you and I both know that!"
"But no one will care after the scandal goes public! Think about it! Trojan's quarterback having sex with Bruin's receiver on campus! The media will suck this up!"
"Mike!" I was abhorred. "I won't condone such dirty tricks!"
"Rick, don't you hate him? He had you and turned around to have sex with that Bruin! He betrayed you!"
"Mike, I was there."
He stood there stunned. "What?"
"I bet if you look at that video carefully you'd see me standing next to the door."
"You let them? You watched them have sex?" His face was twisted.
"I pretty much put them in that room. I led them there."
"But... why? Why?"
"They are happy together."
"What about you?"
I forced a smile. "I thought you wanted to start over with me?"
He looked surprised. "You... you mean... you want to?"
"Well, if Ben doesn't want me, then I'm available again."
"Wow... that's... I never thought... I..." He was speechless.
"But... I don't want to be with someone who uses such dirty tricks on his teammate."
"But... he... I..." I could tell he was conflicted.
"Mike, I came here to talk about us. Have you made up your mind?"
"Well..." He looked at the photos, then me. It seemed that he was choosing between his football career and me, again.
I sighed. "Make up your mind, Mike. Let me know when you do."
I slowly walked away. I was tired. I thought I could find comfort, or at least some company with Mike, but he only brought more trouble. Now I have one more thing to worry about: pictures of Ben and Josh having sex. I felt partly responsible; after all I brought them to that room. It would really be a huge scandal if this went public, for the school, for the team, for Ben. I couldn't let that happen. I had to stop Mike. I was almost at my room and I quickly walked back, but he was already gone. There was no answer on his door.
My fear was great. Did Mike already decide to go public with the pictures? One thing for certain: if those pictures ever see the light of day, Ben will certainly not hesitate to commit suicide. It would be the last proof he needed that the world was not hospitable, that it's not worth living. I panicked. I started to run, but where to? I picked up my phone and called Mike but there was no answer. Did he go to find Ben? Our teammates? Coach? The college newspaper? TV station? Where should I go?
It was lucky I didn't need to go far. Mike was downstairs in the lobby, holding up those pictures for everyone to see. Ben was at the front door, just coming back from outside. His face was pale.
"There he is. He's gay! He's with that Bruin receiver! Here's proof! He had sex on campus!"
"Mike, you sure you want to do this?"
"Ben, it's over! Your football career is over! Everyone will know who you really are!"
Ben was seething with cold anger. "What about you? Do you know who you really are?"
There was one moment of awkward silence as Ben stared into Mike's eyes and saw through him. "Anyone else doing this, I might be able to brush it aside, but YOU of all people, accusing me as gay. Who was the one trying to rape Josh in the rec room?"
Mike was silent. His face was so red. "I..." Mike was never known for his great intellect, or language skills. He was caught red-handed.
"I am sure a few of us witnessed that incident. That's even better than pictures."
Mike started to lower his hand, the hand that only a moment ago was waving those photos in the air excitedly.
"I'm not afraid to admit that I fucked him. I like to fuck. I fuck guys and girls alike. Can you say the same for yourself, Mike? Can you admit to everyone here who you really are?"
"Fuck you, Ben!" Mike was pissed. "You know what I can do with these pics? I could have you kicked off the team, hell, kicked out of school! You'd be an embarrassment! You will be shamed!"
"Let me ask you again. Are you really sure you want to do this. Yes, or no?"
"What are you going to do, huh?"
"I will kill you right now. I will finish what I started in the rec room." It was simply stated as a fact. He dropped his bag and took off his shirt. He stood there cold and composed. It was not a threat. He was going to do it; I had no doubt in my mind.
He flexed his muscles and continued, "I'm not doing this to protect myself. I don't care if I live or die. I'm protecting Josh, and most of all..." he paused and cracked his knuckles, "I can't stand fake people, people like you."
Mike obviously didn't expect this turn of events. He had expected Ben to succumb. He backed away, unsure of what to do. Anyone would; I have never seen Ben so menacing. Even the other guys didn't want to get in the way. Who would want to approach a prowling lion?
I had to get between them. I knew Ben couldn't care less about his own life; he would have beaten the crap out of Mike. He even did it before, but this time he was determined to finish the job. I flew down the stairs and got between them.
"Ben, don't do this!"
"Rick, you are protecting him?"
"No, I'm protecting YOU! I don't want you to go to jail over this!"
"Rick, you are the only person in this house... in this world that I give a damn about. If you ask me to stop, I will."
"Yes, please stop!"
He let out a deep sigh and forced a smile. He actually looked disappointed. "Fine." He turned to look at Mike. "Mike, you are lucky. If you cross my path one more time, I swear I will kill you." He picked up his shirt and bag and started walking upstairs, but he paused on the way, suddenly remembering something.
"You want my quarterback position, don't you? You have been vying for it for three years." Ben looked right through Mike again. Mike was silent.
"You can have it. I don't care." He quietly walked back to our room. And that was it.