Second Chance
Anyone reading this would probably not understand why I did it. It was a gamble. Ben has given up hope, and he was determined to let it end. From his demeanor and the tone of his voice, I knew he was serious about taking his own life. In the past two weeks, since we talked about Jimmy, although we were happy together, I could tell he was deeply troubled at other times.
He was getting flashbacks. His memory of Jimmy was starting to have a critical impact on him. The outburst he had showed me how deeply hurt he was, even after so many years. I couldn't change those memories, but I could change his perceptions of Jimmy.
You see, Jimmy was highly idealized in his childhood fantasy. In Ben's mind as a child, if Jimmy said he'd be back, Ben would believe it. He would wait patiently at the gates, as he said so himself, and be disappointed day after day. When he said he wanted to end it all, I took a leap of fate.
I have been thinking about how to help him let go of Jimmy, but I wanted to wait for the right time. I knew that if Jimmy continued to exist as a perfect being he will never be forgotten. Ben will forever feel guilty for betraying him. So, I knew I had to put things into perspective. Jimmy left and decided not to come back, for whatever reason. Ben had to face the truth and stop telling himself lies.
That was my rationale behind it. Upon hearing my accusations, Ben got mad, but it was still better than the deep depression he was in. I knew I saved him when he called Josh. He was going to revert to his old self, using sex as a coping strategy. That's better than taking his own life, I thought.
Of course, I could be wrong, and I would be responsible for pushing him over the edge. But I loved Ben too much not to try something, anything, even though it may backfire. Sometimes I was sure it'd work, sometimes I'd freak out and shake uncontrollably, unsure if Ben would take his own life despite what I said, or worse, because of what I said. I went to sleep fitfully. I kept dreaming of Ben suffering from horrible deaths.
I was finally relieved to find Ben back at our room, late at night. He was drunk, and I could smell the faint scent of cum. He has clearly fucked Josh, or someone. He was unkempt. He just collapsed on the bed and passed out. I was relieved to find him alive, at least.
As expected, he wouldn't talk to me. He stayed out of our room most of the time to avoid seeing me. I assumed he went looking for Josh. I started to relent. If I tried to remove his coping strategy, I must replace it with another. Right now, I don't have anything to replace his sex addiction with. The best I could do was to get him to fuck me instead of other guys, but even that seemed impossible, given what happened.
As luck would have it, we had a week or two before the national competitions. We had to wait for all other states to come up with their champions before we could enter the next round. So, Coach told us to rest, but stay fit, before the next training sessions started. That gave us some time to chill.
It was also fortunate that Ben seemed to have calmed down without insisting on taking his life. He seemed to have gotten closer to Josh. I saw him in the dorms a couple of times, waiting for Ben. It was very daring for him to be there, because he was in our rival team. But he didn't stay long each time, and they would go out together, presumably to fuck. At night, he would come back drunk. On some nights he would stay out, but he always came back later. I was relieved.
Then one day, all hell broke loose. When I came back to the dorms I heard a commotion in the recreation room. It sounded like someone was having a fight. I went in, and to my amazement, Ben was kicking at Mike, who curled up in a fetal position. Guys were trying to pull Ben back, but he went crazy. Among the guys I noticed Josh standing on the side. What the hell was going on?
Josh yelled, "Stop! You are going to kill him!" But Ben was like a mad man. Two guys tried to pull him back, but didn't have much success. I looked around and found what I needed. I triggered the fire alarm to activate the sprinklers. Everyone got wet and Ben started to calm down. I quickly got Ben and Josh out from the back door before things got worse. I led them to an empty building and told them to wait until the coast was clear. I wasn't sure if the guys would be waiting for Josh to do something crazy.
I went back to the dorms and saw Mike still on the rec room floor, covering his face with his hands. He was bleeding and in a bad shape.
"What the hell happened, Mike?" I asked.
"I don't know. I don't know what got into me." His voice was muffled by his hands, and it was clear he has sustained some serious injuries. Ben had really done a number on him.
"Let me see it." I gently moved his hands. He had a broken nose and it was bleeding profusely.
"Gosh, we got to stop the bleeding." I went to get the first aid kit and tended to his wound. Besides the broken nose he didn't seem to be really hurt, just a few bruises here and there. Being such a big and muscular guy, he was tough.
"Rick, why is he not happy just to have you?" My body shook. It was the exact question I had been pondering.
"I don't know, Mike. He said one person can't satisfy him."
"If I had you..." He looked at me directly, and for the first time in years I saw something that resembled love. It immediately brought me back to the time we were together. "If I had you, I wouldn't want anyone else."
That was said in such a tender fashion that my heart just melted. I thought about Ben. He always fucked around. I doubt he will ever devote himself to one person. What about Mike? He didn't have anyone else when he was with me, yet he chose to dump me.
"You didn't have anyone else, Mike, but you had football. You chose football over me."
"And I regret it every day..." He said softly. "Every day, I think... what if... what if you were with me. I'd be happy. Even when I was fucking those girls, I was thinking about you."
"Oh, Mike!" I didn't know what to say. It was difficult, but I have learned to let him go. Now, years later, he's saying he still hadn't let go?
"Ever since we broke up I've been so confused, like losing my mind. Who am I? Am I gay?"
"Only you can answer that, Mikey."
"When I saw Josh, I was so jealous. I remembered my time with you. Why is Ben not content just to have you? Why is he getting all the girls, and even the guys? I wanted to lash out at something... someone."
"Mike... it's over. You picked football. You got to live with your choice now."
"I messed up. I had you. We were happy, and I threw it all away. I'm a fucking coward, you were right. Can we start over again?"
I was speechless. Ben had Josh. Mike wanted to start over with me again. Could this be it? But I had to be sure. Mike had to be sure.
"Mike, my heart can only break once for you. If you want to start over, you must be prepared to deal with whatever that comes with the decision."
By this time his nose has stopped bleeding and I've fixed him up, but he still looked miserable. I had so much sympathy for him. I always had a soft spot for Mike.
He sighed. "Do you know why I freaked out that time? I read a story. You know David Kopay? He was the first guy in professional football to come out as gay. You know what happened? He wasn't welcomed into locker rooms anymore and nobody wanted to hire him as a coach. His career was over."
"Times have changed, Mike."
"Have they? They still make gay jokes in the locker room. They still despise gays. They don't act out, but you can tell from their glances, the look of contempt on their faces. You know what happens when a gay guy enters the gym? They move away and stop changing in front of him. They don't talk to him. How can I live like that? How can I have a career in football if none of the guys would talk to me, if they all hate me?"
"Mike, I don't know what to say. May be you were right. May be you made the right choice, for yourself. I just want you to be happy. I want you to be sure."
"I was happy with you."
"Yes, but can you live with it, given the world as it is? Will you face who you are or live a fake life?"
He was silent. He seemed to be deep in thought. "I don't know." He finally said. "I'm not sure who I am anymore. Can you please tell me?"
"Only you can answer that, Mike. Find that within yourself." I planted a kiss on his forehead and stood up, leaving him there, lost and confused.
As it turned out, Josh came to our dorm looking for Ben. As Josh was about to go upstairs to my room, Mike recognized him and caught him. He asked Josh why he was there, thinking he might be here to sabotage us or exact revenge. He brought Josh into the recreation room, searched his bags and found lube. He knew Josh was looking for Ben to be fucked. He was jealous of Ben. He said Ben's not in but he'll give Josh a good fuck. Josh refused and Mike tried to take him by force. He seemed to be in a trance. Ben came back in time, threw Mike onto the floor and started kicking him like crazy.
I took a step back from all this. I was surprised Mike would do something so stupid, even for him. But then again, the look on his face when he saw us in the cafeteria, the bang on the wall when Ben and I fucked in our room, his quick departure from the locker room after practice, everything was pointing to this: he was insanely jealous. And now that Ben started messing around with Josh... that was the last straw. He could cope with me and Ben being together, but not with Ben being with someone else while he was with me. Of course he didn't know what happened between us recently. I suddenly felt so much compassion for Mike. Should I give him a second chance?