His Story
I had to talk to Ben. I couldn't leave things hanging like that. After dinner, when I found him in the room, I locked the door and sat at the foot of his bed.
"Ben, we need to talk."
He turned around and faced me, a serious look on his face. "Tell me, Rick. Why do you love me?"
"I'm just... attracted to you. Must there be a reason?"
"What is it about me that attracts you?"
"Your carefree personality, your leadership qualities, your athletic abilities, your physical attributes... need I say more?"
He came closer to me, so close that our faces were only inches away. "And you want to make love to me?"
"Yes, more than anything."
He backed up and sighed. "You are right, Rick. I'm a sex fiend. I can't love. I'm a jerk, a jerk who doesn't deserve your love."
"What makes you say that?"
"I'm a train wreck in relationships. I can't love anyone. I'm a selfish prick. I've never loved anyone in my life."
"Ben, what is all this? You've never talked this way!"
"I don't deserve your love. You are too good for me. I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Where's the confident, kick-ass Ben that I know?"
"Rick! All these years you could have found someone who loves you back. Why get stuck with me? I can't love you that way!"
"But I don't love anyone else!"
"Mike?"
"He dumped me, remember?"
"You'd still be my best friend, even though I can't love you back?"
"I've been that all these years, haven't I?"
Ben sighed deeply. "I guess there's no way to get rid of you."
"Not if you kick me out."
"Ok, I guess you deserve to know." He shifted uncomfortably. "There was someone... someone who I loved dearly." I listened intently. I've never heard him mention any girlfriend.
He paused. I waited. It seemed extraordinarily difficult. This is so atypical of him. "He left."
The shock was intense. The "he" rang in my ears like a bell. "He?"
"Not gay love, mind you. He was gay, I wasn't, but I loved him nonetheless." Ben took a deep breath and held it. "He was like you, Rick."
I didn't interrupt him. I wanted to let him speak at his pace. He started staring at the ceiling. "I didn't know it at first. I just thought he was really friendly. I was too young to understand these things anyway." He was transported back in time, in his own world.
"I was 12, he was 16. I didn't know anything about being gay. I was really naïve growing up on a farm. He was really friendly and protective of me. We became good friends."
"We started messing around, like you and I did, and we both liked it. I didn't think anything of it."
"Then one day a farm hand cornered me and tried to make me do sexual things. He came to my defense and got hurt badly. He was injured all over but he only asked if I was all right."
"I was so moved I said I'd do anything for him. He said there was one thing that we haven't done, and that he would love to do it with me one day, but only when I'm ready and willing." He looked up at me and I nodded knowingly.
"I immediately said I'd do it, without even knowing what he meant. He smiled and ruffled my hair, and said if I still want to do it when I'm 18, he'd do it with me."
I smiled. "That's very noble of him."
"The last thing he wanted was to take advantage of me. He hated forced sex because he was a victim himself. That's why he went nuts when he saw someone trying to force me."
"As a kid I was eager to try everything, and I insisted that we do the `adult' thing that he wouldn't let me do until 18. Little did I know..." He paused.
"And he wouldn't budge. He said if I truly love him, I would wait, and the best things in life are worth waiting for."
"He sounds like a wonderful person." I had to add.
"He is... I admired him, idolized him. He's my hero."
"What happened then?"
"His past caught up with him. He ran away from home because his dad raped him while being drunk. He killed his dad in self defense. My dad took him under his wings. The cops finally caught up with him and he had to run again."
"That's terrible."
"He left me a note, saying he's sorry that he might not be able to keep his promise. He said he'd be back if possible. But he never came back..."
"And... and I made a promise... that I'd wait for him, to do that thing with him. I'll save myself for him."
"Is that why you never put things up your ass?" He nodded slowly.
"So it's not that you find it gross or weird. You were saving it for him."
Ben sighed. "I'm not even gay, but I'd do anything for him. If that's what he wants..."
"I guess no one can replace him."
"Well, Rick, you come close. You remind me of him, so loving, always by my side. But... I can't deal with another guy, when I'm not even done with the first one."
"You've never heard from him?"
He sighed. "No. I crashed. I couldn't even stand living there anymore, without him. That's why I transferred to the city as a sophomore in high school."
"Ah... it all makes sense now. But you didn't show it at all. You were so active in sports, and so active... fucking girls." I couldn't suppress a smile.
"I had to keep myself busy to stop thinking about him. When I'm exhausted with sports and sex, I can finally sleep without him appearing in my mind."
"Is that why you took wrestling AND football? I thought you were crazy!"
"Yes, Rick. I was a mess inside."
"But you never showed it."
"Now, do you know why I can't love anymore?"
"Yes, it hurts too much."
"Especially... when you remind me so much of him."
"Ah... I see. It's good to know. At least now I know you are not a heartless, selfish prick."
"But you always thought I was?"
"Well... you did say so yourself."
"I was pushing people away, numbing myself. Love hurts too much."
"Thanks for sharing that with me. I feel a lot better now."
"Do you still love me?"
"Even more so."
"But you know I'll probably never get over this..."
"Talking about it is the first step."
He sighed. "You really are a good friend. What have I done to deserve this?" He reached over and we hugged tightly. We were both in tears. I felt a deeper connection than ever before. It's like I've broken through the hard shell and reached his tender core.
We parted after a long while and he looked at the ceiling again. "May be this is fate. May be you are here to replace Jimmy."
"Jimmy is his name?"
"Yes, Jimmy." The way he whispered that name convinced me that he was in love, a love that has been buried deep inside his heart for many years. Perhaps I can help him heal that scar, but I didn't know if I'd ever be able to replace Jimmy. I couldn't tell if loving Ben has just become easier, or even more difficult.