Usual disclaimers apply. Please send any comments, suggestions, etc. to: SAFPlover@hotmail.com
Loss
The birds sang beautifully as the sunlight radiated to every corner of my room. Such was the surrounding in which I woke up. I had a very restful and peaceful sleep, surprisingly. Sleep must have been preparing me for The Beginning. Even though I knew that today would not be easy, I felt surprisingly calm.
I took a shower and got dressed for school. As I was coming down for breakfast, the phone rang and I answered it. I knew it would be Spencer.
"Hello!" I said as cheerfully as I could, but Spencer still detected something was wrong.
"What's wrong?" he asked, sounding truly concerned.
"Nothing. Just had a bad night, so don't worry about it. So, how are you?
Are you better?"
"Yeah! I'm fine now. I'll walk to school with you today, as always. And could I pleeeeaaase copy the work I missed yesterday? Pleeeeaaaase??" We've always copied from each other now and then, but lately he's been copying way too much and he knows it. But I couldn't resist his cuteness, even though I couldn't see him.
"Okay, fine!" I finally said.
"Great!! I owe ya man! See ya in twenty!"
So I ate my breakfast and got my stuff while I was waiting for Spencer.
As we were walking to school, he was doing most of the talking and I was much quieter than I usually am. He noticed this, but didn't ask about it. I was grateful for that because I didn't know what to say if he did ask. The rest of the way we talked about this and that - the usual.
When we arrived at school, everything seemed normal to me. We went to our first classes together because we had every class together. That's when I noticed people looking at me differently. Some of the people who would usually talk to me would just look at me strangely and then look away. I started getting nervous, but managed to keep my composure. Finally the first three classes were over, and we were on our first break.
When Spencer and I arrived at the quad where we would hang out with friends, it happened.... There written on the wall was: 'Mike is a fucking fag, a cocksucker. BEWARE!!!!!' and around it were pictures of me and the other boy from yesterday kissing. Somehow they even managed to take pictures!! I didn't know what to do or feel because I was numb and too scared to even feel anything.
Spencer dragged me, cutting through the crowd, near the graffiti. When we reached the area, the same group who warned me yesterday were standing there smirking smugly.
"What's going on here? Who did this?" Spencer asked angrily.
"Your little friend here is a fag. We caught him yesterday sharing tongue and spit with another boy. Thought the school should know because we don't want no fucking faggots 'round here, and were gonna make your life a living hell!!" said one boy, turning to me. Spencer didn't speak or move for a long time. Turning to me, he asked, "Is this true?"
This was the greatest dilemma I have ever faced. I didn't want to lie to my best friend, but if I told him the truth, what would he say or do? Also, if I told the truth, everyone who was there watching would know. However, Spencer deserved the truth and I owe it to him.
"Yes," I whispered, looking down at the ground. There was a long silence. I could feel all eyes on me, stabbing through me.
"Get away from me faggot! You're so fucking sick!" Spencer finally said with earnest, each word charged with sincerity.
It was as if life had lost its meaning. I was crumbling inside and out. Every ounce of happiness, pride, and confidence was waning. My best friend in the world wants me stay away because I'm gay. He could not accept the truth, the truth that would bring about my demise. I could feel myself weakening inside. I could not sense anything from my surrounding - I was alone, alone in the dark, in the midst of hate. I started to cry, not because of embarrassment or me being outed, but because Spencer, my best friend in the world, the best friend I never had, was abandoning me, hating me.
"Spencer please!! Don't do this! Please don't hate me!!" I pleaded to no avail. I grabbed his arm, but he pushed me away so hard that I fell back and hit my head on a bench. I thought I heard him say 'good' as he heard the thump. I was now sobbing freely from the pain of losing Spencer and pain in my head from the impact. But the pain in my head did not even begin to match the pain of loss.
The bell rang, signaling the beginning of the next set of classes. I was still on the ground as the crowd started to disperse. Finally I was alone. I decided to skip the rest of the school day. As I was walking home, my tears cascaded down my cheeks forcefully and steadily. Some people were looking at me, but I didn't care. I lost the will to care anymore. The world was ending for me, but this was only the beginning of that end. The one person I had hoped would stand by me now hates me. Do I deserve this?
I reached the house and I headed straight to my room and crashed on the bed. I was staring at the ceiling, my mind blank. Then suddenly, everything began to replay itself in my head, from the time I first saw Spencer, to the dire events of today. I began to cry again and cried until there were no more tears to shed. I decided to write because writing has always been a way to express myself and escape from the strains of life:
Over the seas, forests, and mountains old Once you were hidden But you changed, brave and bold Daring to challenge reality with the forbidden
Approach hither, approach thither You are rejected, harshness always extended Always defying reality, always breaking kilter When will your acceptance be granted?
Then I stopped and left it unfinished because I was really draining the energy I had left by pouring out my thoughts to this poem. I decided to continue it some other time, because I always finish what I start. The room was trapped in deafening silence. My parents weren't home yet, and I was hungry. I ignored my hunger, however, because the pain was stronger. My skies turned dark, and the world was tumbling down. At that moment, I felt that I would forever be hated and alone. Even the beautiful sunset that was glowing from outside couldn't console me in my despair. My happiness has abandoned me.
The beginning of the end has come and already it has weakened me greatly. What would become of me in the times to come? Would I find comfort in others? With whom could I confide? It would only be a matter of time before my family would find out, and that would be yet another challenge within this challenge. My strength was already waning. Tomorrow would be another day in the challenge that would define what I would become. The last word that crossed my mind before going to sleep were: 'Come back Spencer'
Well, what did you think? Should I still continue? Sorry for the delay, I've been sooooo busy! Also, I would like to thank all of those who have written to me, and telling me to continue with the story. I wouldn't have continued the story without your encouragements! Please write to me at: SAFPlover@hotmail.com
Later, Mike