Reunion at Forty-eight chapter 6 By Ezra Randle
Nine Months Later
Ben stared at the newspaper as he sat in the waiting room in the oncology department, but the print glazed over. This time it wasn't due to his tearful outpourings, almost all unleashed in private so neither Ellie nor the girls would see him as anything less than rock solid. He had to make them believe that this reemergence of the cancer was just one more hurdle to clear before a complete recovery. Most of the time those solitary tears had become bitter by the time they reached his lips. He had spent many hours deliberating during the three months since the discovery of the new aggressive tumors. Waiting for her to complete her treatments or sitting at home on call but mostly anticipating when she'd wake. He passed through much of the anger, and the tears vanished at much the same time. In turn, he had become marine-like in his devotion, rarely taking even an hour off for himself, either tending to Ellie or household chores or completing what tasks he could on his pared down work schedule. But this blurring of the print reflected a new phenomenon he began to notice over the past ten days. His drifting attention, away from his monotonic spousal obligations toward a propensity for greater self-reflection. The "what if" and "when the time comes" scenarios were quietly taking the place of "why me" and "let me do whatever I must for her sake" states of siege. Before these past two weeks, whenever he thought of what might happen to him without her at his side, he felt adrift. But now this sense of floating had become more focused, and though he understood very keenly the paradox of these discordant sensibilities--of the focused uncertainty--he felt compelled to wonder about it. He understood this was a natural reaction to the chasm he had begun to anticipate as the likely future of his marriage. There was a great deal of selfishness in this indulgence, but once the thoughts began to seep in, he could not stop the flow. He needed a new reference point and recognized that this was when people sought out therapy, but that solution seemed like crass selfishness with Ellie so needy.
He set the paper down and walked to the receptionist who had come to know his face so well. "If my wife asks for me, let her know I'll be back in a half hour."
She nodded reassuringly, as if he had needed to say anything. They could see his devotion every time he accompanied Ellie to the clinic. It was unusual for anyone else to bring her. He stood in the elevator and as it lurched downward, his knees shook and his thoughts shuddered. He exited on the ground floor and pensively walked outside and called Annie. When she answered, he asked her if she could attend to Ellie on Thursday afternoon if he needed her, and Annie willingly agreed. He called Monroe High School but hung up during the automated messaging of options. He had informed Dan several months ago about Ellie's turn, and they communicated by email numerous times since about her uncertain condition, but he'd had no time or even an inclination to see Dan during this ordeal. Was it now fair to bring Dan into this more deeply? Where might they meet to ensure privacy without Dan's likely expectation that they would become intimate, especially with the memories of their last encounter in March? Could their meeting possibly become sexual at this moment or for any foreseeable one? He redialed and waited. Dan's greeting came through in a businesslike way. "Danny, it's Ben. Sorry to bother you at work. I'd like to see you." He listened as Dan asked him to wait a minute, and he could hear him politely ask a student to give him some privacy.
"I'm back. What's up?"
"It's too complicated to discuss on the phone, but I'm wondering if you have some time," Ben said.
"Probably. Tell me when?"
"How about Thursday? Annie's agreed to take Ellie to the hospital in the afternoon."
"I've got school. What time?"
"I don't know. I'm always on a bit of a tight schedule. Could you get free about 1:00?" Ben said.
"Let me think." And then without much apparent deliberation, he heard the voice again, "Shit. Yeah. I'll meet you."
"You sure it's OK?"
"I'd love to see you. Where?"
"I don't know. I'm not really sure what kind of a meeting it will be. I'd suggest a park but it's been so cold."
"How about our usual spot?"
"I guess that'll be fine."
"I'll make a reservation," Dan said.
The prospect of returning to a motel room felt odd, but Dan was right. Talking in private was what he needed.
"Ben?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you OK?"
"I'm hanging in. Just need the comfort of a friend. See you Thursday."
He hung back, reaching several times to knock on the door, before following through. Dan's smile and open arms were what he hoped for, but his own reticence as he walked into the embrace was very different from the unfettered glee he had felt the last time. Dan held him for several seconds, and he closed his eyes and let himself slide more deeply into his arms. The embrace continued for several more moments. When they parted, they quickly sat and Dan asked him again how he was doing, and again he didn't really know what to say. "Ben, just so you know, I don't expect anything today. I'm here because you asked me to come."
"Thanks. I'm not sure why I asked you to meet except I needed to get away."
"Do you want to talk about Ellie?"
"I know you need to get an update. Essentially nothing much has changed from our last email. She's handling the treatments as well as expected--which isn't very well, and the prognosis, between you and me, is that if the cancer doesn't respond in a significant way by the end of April, there's probably not much hope."
"Sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be."
"So now you know, and now I don't want to talk about her anymore."
He could see Dan expected another turn in the conversation, but, instead, he closed his eyes and sat quietly for a few minutes. "You're the first person I've told that to," Ben said.
"What?"
"That the odds are against her, that time is running out."
"I don't know what to say," Dan said.
"Don't say a damn thing. Please. Don't encourage me like everyone else feels compelled to do. Like I feel compelled to do for Ellie and the girls and all the relatives. For one afternoon, I just want to be honest about the probabilities."
"Say whatever you've got to say."
Then Ben smiled slightly. "Danny, tell me something good."
"Like what?" Dan asked.
"I don't care, as long as it's good."
"That's a pretty difficult assignment, Ben."
"Can't be that hard. You must do it all day long with the kids you work with."
"They're a lot easier to con than you are right now."
"Come on. Help me out," Ben said.
"Well--want a back rub?"
Ben burst out with a laughing snort. "Very good. See how easy it is."
"Well, do you?"
"I do but I have reservations. My libido is pretty fucked up right now."
"As a friend to a friend--no other expectations."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"OK. Let me get out of some clothes."
They each took off their clothes, not as lovers, but as though they were in a locker room changing uniforms for a workout. Ben stopped at his boxers and sat on the edge of the bed. "You sure you want to do this for me?"
"Why wouldn't I? Lie down."
He shrugged and yanked off his underwear, then stood up. "See. Nothing's going on with me."
Dan looked at his shriveled up cock with the foreskin clearly covering the knob. He smiled gently and said, "I see and I understand. So, lie down."
Dan pulled back the bedding and Ben stretched out on his belly. He felt the fingers find the tension in his neck and shoulders almost immediately, "O, God, it's like all the stress from the past few months is holed up right there. Get rid of it if you can."
"I'll try. Have you thought of going back to the masseuse? It would probably be good for you to see a professional."
"No time."
He let himself drift into a half sleep as Dan's hands dug into his muscles, and he had no idea of how much time had passed when he stopped. "What time is it Danny?"
"2:15."
"Beautiful. Haven't had an hour like that for...feels like forever."
"Want me to keep going?"
"Take a break and lie down."
He felt Dan stretch out a foot away, and he turned his head to face him. "That was very good. Thanks."
Dan let his hand return to his back, and Ben could feel the warm fingers drift idly up and down his spine. "Tell me when you fell in love with Jenny?"
"Why do you want to know that?"
"Just to keep up the good talk."
"I met her in Madison. A friend of one of my roommates. We started hanging out."
"But when did you know?"
He looked at Dan and he smiled back. "It was complicated. I don't know if there was one moment."
"There was one for me."
"Yeah?"
"I'd been going out with Ellie for a few weeks. You might remember that. Towards the end of our first year at the university."
"Yeah. It was about the time we were drifting apart, but I was with you and Ellie a bunch of times."
"That spring, it must have been in mid-May. Just after finals, but before she went back home to Superior for the summer. We had a few days with no obligations. Nothing to do but to see each other. On one of those days, in later afternoon, we took a picnic supper to the river, down by Lawson Park. We barbequed some burgers and drank some beer, went swimming in the river and just watched the evening and then the night roll in. We had no place to go. All we wanted was to be with each other. About nine, just as the last bit of twilight was slipping into the river, we walked along the shoreline, our feet slipping into and out of the water. She stopped and looked up at me, and I did one of those What?' looks back. She curled her lips in that sneaky smile I had only seen her give a few times and she said, I'm slipping under, Ben. You know that?' I pretended I didn't know what she meant and she laughed and asked, You, too?' She didn't know much about me then. I mean about other women I'd been with, if she should trust me or not. I'd been holding back with her, not wanting my springtime lust to ruin this thing with her. So, I was reluctant to say anything. Thinking if I did she'd hold me and we'd make love right then and there and maybe that would have been all there was to me knowing her. I couldn't tell how desperate or horny she was or if I was the first guy she had fallen in love with. I deliberately said nothing, even though my gut was telling me this was very different than anything I'd ever experienced with a girl. She was making me feel so much...I don't know, so much more mature than I knew my libido actually was. We stared at each other. I couldn't say a word. She understood that and touched my face so lightly it felt like cobwebs trickling down my cheeks. And I started crying. I remember that feeling so distinctly--she had figured me out so well with those light touches. My tears trickled over her hand, and she smiled. You don't have to say a thing. I know about you'."
He stopped talking and turned his head into the pillow trying to stifle the emotion that was erupting into his throat. When he gained control again, he sat up in the bed and stared down at Dan who was looking up at him. "Then we kissed so long but so delicately that I felt like an eighth grader. We walked along the shore again, holding hands, listening to the peepers in the nearby shallows and the walleyes jumping in the river. We slept together that night for the first time. Turns out it wasn't her first time either--but it was, for both of us."
He looked away from Dan, hoping he hadn't embarrassed himself, but not really caring. Dan touched his hand very softly, almost like Ellie had. "That's very beautiful."
He nodded and lay back down and just that slight movement displaced the joyous recounting of the moments along the river and unleashed the terror and sadness that had been lurking in his gut for months. His chest started heaving and the pain poured out. In shame he turned away from Dan, but as he felt Dan's hand press into his more vigorously, he unleashed deep sobs he had never released as an adult. Ten minutes later, he shuddered into some level of calmness. He could feel and hear Dan's breathing a few inches away, and he let himself slide into his rhythm until he drifted into a light sleep.
Thirty minutes later, he turned to Dan. "Danny, have you ever felt totally alone?"
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. People are all around you, but there are no connections."
"Part of me always feels like that. A few steps or several voices away from everyone. Even when I'm making love to Jenny or was playing with Marie when she was a kid. I'm kind of a loner, but I don't think that's what you're talking about."
"We're different that way. I know what you're talking about. I always sensed part of you was watching me and everybody else, thinking things through while people like me are putting on the show. But I'm not very good at being alone, and now I have to be, even when I'm surrounded by people, even people I love very much. This thing with Ellie has pushed me back into the front row seats, next to people like you. But it really hurts to feel this solitary."
Ben sat up again and started laughing. Dan looked at him strangely. "What's up?"
"I told you I didn't want to talk about Ellie when I was with you today. That I wanted to take a timeout."
"I wasn't holding you to it."
"Lucky for you. Come here," Ben said.
Dan pushed himself up and Ben kissed him lightly. "Kiss me back."
He could feel Dan's lips push against his, then pull back. "What's wrong?"
"It just doesn't feel right."
"It's never going to feel right. We're not supposed to be doing this. But what does that matter."
They kissed several more times in earnest, but Ben felt no arousal and didn't want to deceive Dan. "This is as far as I can go today. Hope you can understand."
"It's fine. I'm surprised we're here at all."
"I need to get going. Hey, you know of any good therapists in case I need to see somebody?"
"Yeah. I work quite a bit with one in Madison. Alex Crowe. Does a lot of work with teens, but he treats an adult clientele as well. He's very good. If you tell his secretary you're a friend of mine, she'll get you in quickly."
"Thanks. Alex Crowe?"
"Yeah."
They both dressed, and Dan sent Alex's name and phone number to Ben's phone. Ben noted the email, then held Dan's hand. "Thanks. And I mean that in every possible way."
"Call me again. I'll always make time."
"OK. I probably will."
"Best of luck with everything."
Dan stood outside the door to the motel room and watched Ben walk to the stairway. Hoping he'd turn around and come back. When he didn't, he retreated back to the room and lay down on the bed. He had some time to cherish the two hours they'd spent. He'd taken the rest of the afternoon off from school and Jenny wouldn't be home until after dinner. His phone buzzed. Ben was calling him from his car. Wondering if he was going to linger in the room for a while.
When Ben came back in, he slipped out of his shoes and jacket and beckoned to Dan to return to the bed. "What's going on, Ben?"
"I don't know. I need more than you listening to me whining about my situation. You'd probably like more, too. We just made love as friend to friend. Thanks for that. I tried to drive off, but I could still feel your hands on my skin. I need some more. You OK with that?"
"Yeah. I'm surprised you're back. I'll make love to you. I don't expect anything in return. If that's what you want," Dan said.
"I'd like you to try."
Dan kissed him and Ben returned the affection. This time their tongues were active and their hands became aggressive. "Strip me, Dan. Make me feel like you're in control."
They stood up and Dan removed Ben's double layer of shirts. Then unfasted his jeans and lowered them down. He looked at Ben, to gauge his reactions, but his eyes were closed, though a smile had emerged. Ben stepped out of his jeans, and lifted one leg at a time so Dan could remove his socks. Dan undressed, quickly removed all but his briefs. He stood behind Ben and licked his shoulders and neck, and down along his spine to his lower back. He massaged Ben's buttocks, as he pressed up against him. Ben moaned, and Dan reached around to feel the front of his boxers. Ben was getting hard, and Dan reached inside the boxers and released Ben's cock through the slit. Precum covered the tip. Very slowly Dan slid the boxers down, and leaned into Ben's ass, pressing his cock against the crack. "Feeling more aroused?" Dan said.
"Yeah. Take me to bed."
Dan pulled the bedding back, and Ben lay down on the bottom sheet. Dan continued licking Ben's backside quickly reaching Ben's ass. Dan had had many thoughts of touching Ben's ass over so many months that it had become part of his sexual arousal. He enjoyed touching it, massaging it, and then reaching the gateway to the inner sanctum. Which is what he like to call it in his fantasies. "You want me to continue, Ben?"
"Please. Don't stop."
"Are you still expected home soon?"
"That's changed. I called Annie from the car. She told me stay away as long as I needed to. So, Danny, make me come alive."
"I can stay as long as you want me to."
"Are you OK if I don't give anything in return? If I just enjoy it?" Ben said.
"Yeah. Let me minister to you."
"You are. Just keep going."
Dan continued to lick Ben's ass cheeks, then began to spit into his crack, moistening the crevice. Ben moaned. "Yes, please, all of that. I took a good shower. I'm very clean."
Dan pulled Ben's cheeks apart and his tongue followed the trail of his saliva to Ben's anus. He licked lightly at first, then more vigorously, his tongue journeying from Ben's balls to his ass, back and forth. He lost track of how much time elapsed. He could feel Ben enjoying the play in his very sensitive areas. His fingers rubbed there as well, through Ben's dense hair. "I wish I didn't have so much hair there. So I could feel you right on my skin."
"You'd need somebody to shave you there," Dan said.
"Yeah, therein lies the rub. Maybe you could be my pubic barber."
"Hadn't considered that. I could read about it."
"Esoteric investigations. Don't bother. I'm OK if you are," Dan said.
"You are incredibly masculine, Ben. Have I told you that?"
"Not in so many words. I got the message from how much you desire me."
"I think about your ass all the time."
"That mean you might fuck me? Not sure I'm ready for that," Ben said.
"No. I'll finger you if you want me to continue."
"Any lube?'
"Just my spit, and the lotion from the room."
"That will work. Are you hard?" Ben asked.
"Of course. You?"
"I've leaked all over the towel you put down. Smart thinking on your part," Ben said.
Dan was pleased he'd brought Ben to arousal. He continued licking him, then ran his fingers across the saturated area. "God, your fingers feel like a litter of little cocks. So good."
Dan laughed at the image. His fingers played at Ben's ass. His middle finger pushed and slid in. He slowly pulled it back and pushed it in several times until the lube and his spit allowed it to slide easily. When he found Ben's prostate, he rubbed it back and forth. Ben groaned and rose up to his knees. He was stroking his cock as Dan continued to rub his prostate. When Ben exploded, he kept stroking until he collapsed onto the wet towel underneath him. Motionless. Dan slowly pulled his finger free and wiped it on the towel. Ben said, "Come here, by my side."
Dan slid in next to him, and Ben rolled so Dan's semi-hard cock was near Ben's ass. Ben reached and slid Dan's cock inside his cheeks. "Rub there until you cum. I don't care how long you take."
The moisture in his crack made it easy to slide. Sometimes Dan did it vigorously, but he mostly slid along slowly, wanting it to go on forever. "You brought me back to life, you queer fucker."
Dan laughed. "Love it when you call me queer."
"Cause that makes me the same?" Ben said.
"Among other reasons."
"Does it feel like you're inside me when you slide your cock through there?" Ben asked.
"As much as I know about being inside a man."
"Someday let's do that. Let's find a way to see each other until we try it. A least that long."
Dan continued to slide along through Ben's perineal area. "Stop at my ass. And just push a little. Give me a little tease."
Dan's cock found Ben's hole and probed softly for ten minutes. "You like that?" Dan said.
"Yeah. I'm so sensitive there. A wonderful discovery. I owe that to you."
"When I cum, I'll try to do it right there."
"You close?"
"Very."
"I don't have it in me to cum again. But I want to feel you spurt there. Then I want to fall asleep with you."
Dan pushed more vigorously until he was at the edge. "Give me your hand, Dan."
Ben squeezed his left hand as though they had been lovers for centuries, and Dan let go. "I can feel your cum at my ass. Wow."
Dan emptied himself and let his cock remain inside his crack. They collapsed into each other, spooning. Dan held Ben from behind. Ben clutched Dan's hand in his and pressed them together into his chest.