Reunion at Forty-Eight By Ezra Randle
The Next Day
Ben called home early the next morning and Annie reassured him: Ellie was still sleeping, and they were planning on a short shopping trip later in the day. He asked her if she could handle another night without him, demanding that she be truthful. Just as forcefully, she told him that he had to let go of part of this ordeal. He trusted Annie, the most sensible of the three girls, so he attended his scheduled meetings at the sister plant, trying not to think of Dan and the question he posed so fiercely just before he departed.
He took his lunch out to same park he visited with Dan a year ago. He sat on a bench, half in the sun and half sheltered under the scarlet-green canopy of a maple tree. A family of five was stretched out on beach towels nearby. The father, a man about forty, berated the three children, all looking between the ages of eight and twelve, about not staying near him in the water earlier. He strongly suggested they must when they went back in after eating the sandwiches he just handed out to them. He chuckled inwardly seeing himself in this man's body language and warning voice, returning to a beachfront on Lake Emily in northern Wisconsin years ago. To a time when his girls were at a similar age to this man's children. He recalled admonishing the girls about safety in the water, then discovered to his dismay a short time later that the girls were nowhere near Ellie when he joined her in the chest high water. He could still feel her hand on his arm, calming his anger as she pointed to the girls, all adept swimmers in elementary school, gliding fifteen yards away into the deeper water. Her touch, then and now, made him realize she had been giving them the freedom to explore what he sometimes was afraid to let them do. Even now, perhaps, he was reluctant to feel free to accept what was a part of him.
As he uncapped his bottle of tea, he observed two teenage boys, about fifteen-years-old, shoving each other back and forth along the loose sand playing grab-ass in the process. Then they executed the inevitable chase to the water's edge. The shorter boy, with a slighter frame and blond hair flowing to his neck, pushed his dark-haired, husky mate into the water causing him to lose his footing and slip in. Then the pursuit began in earnest, ending with the bigger boy grabbing the other around the neck and under his armpit and dunking him into the deeper water. It seemed like he was holding him under a dangerously long time. Then the blond boy emerged from behind the bigger boy and retaliated by pulling husky boy's baggy trunks down to his thighs, revealing his winter white ass-cheeks blazing in the sun in dramatic contrast to the rest of his tanned torso. Ben was not the only onlooker to laugh aloud at the performance. Then the two boys dove harmlessly into the deeper water and surfaced again swimming freely past the buoys.
His amusement triggered memories of summertime frolicking with his brother and other buddies during that long ago era before girls had become a permanent fixture in their lives. From his distance of thirty yards and going on thirty-five years, he suspected that these boys, in their juvenile ways, were aroused, just as he must have been decades ago. They couldn't show it with kisses and erections, just as he certainly hadn't. But an intense level of enjoyment was obviously there during their physical interplay. Just as it must have been obvious to anyone observing him when he was a teenager. It was just as likely that these boys had no consciousness of how they were experimenting with their sexual urges, much like he hadn't. The odds of them turning out gay or bisexual years down the road were slim perhaps, but their groping was filling them with excitement and was satiating the desires they would, in just a few years, fulfill with women.
He bit into his turkey club sandwich and shook his head. He was pleasantly bewildered at how he could still be exploring this side of his sexuality that he had just a few months ago so vehemently denounced. He leaned back against the bench in the sheltered sunlight very distracted by the possibilities he had orchestrated the night before. He mumbled aloud, as he found himself doing over the past few months when alone, which he was so much of the time, even when he was around Ellie or family visitors. Most often the vocalizations were brief, generalized, and profanity laced questions like the one that now emerged: "What the fuck are you doing, asshole?"
He immediately glanced around the bench area where he was sitting, but the family was back in the water and hadn't heard the embarrassing sludge that erupted from his subconscious. When these vocalizations occurred while he was out walking or driving by himself, he often smiled and sometimes even burst out into laughter at the jarring and impulsive attempts of whatever it was within him trying to figure things out. He knew full well that much of this disruption of his usually calm surface was a direct result of the winds of uncertainty. That part of his life that reassured him the most, the absolute reliability of Ellie's place in his life, was now the least predictable. But even that understanding did not explain why he was sitting in the park contemplating what might happen later that night.
He let his mind drift, and for one of the many times during these past few months, detailed the chronology of what was impelling him to see Dan again. He felt a strong compulsion last August to taste the unknown, but the resultant sour taste quickly put him into what he considered a healthy retreat. This was epitomized by the memories of his vomiting into the motel sink soon after Dan left. But now, half a year into Ellie's cancer, he was back and unable to explain why. Observing the antics of the teenage boys reminded him how he distracted he'd been in recent weeks scouring his sexual history, from his early stages of puberty in seventh grade to his exhilarating masturbatory fantasies of early high school. Then onto his relationships with three different girls in later high school who allowed him to taste their bodies, but never from the waist down. There was nothing in those memories that connected to male bodies. He reviewed his last year in high school when his relationship with these girls fizzled and he became friends with Dan. Then to their developing friendship just after high school especially during the fall and winter of their first year of college when they often ended up alone, drinking six-packs of Leinies and smoking reefer after the bars closed. They laughed, often uproariously, about nearly everything in their lives, and often drifted into more serious matters as well--which he mostly recalled as his passionate descriptions of the woman he most fantasized about. Dan simply listened to these rants about why she never materialized. But Ben could not remember a single episode when Dan joined in with his own stories about women. Regardless of what might have been racing through Dan's mind and body regarding a physical attraction between them in those meetings--and according to what Dan said last summer, there certainly was an attraction--Ben could not recall for even one moment any seeds of lust seeping out of him for Dan. Then he sorted through all the other the significant male friends he'd had since college, but nothing remotely like the sensations he was now encountering arose for them either.
He had been forced to go through periods of abstinence with Ellie a number of times, the longest being nearly three months after Annie's birth, but was never tempted to stray during these barren times. So this six-month interruption in their physical relationship should have been endurable. But no sooner did Ellie received her formal diagnosis in January than thoughts of Dan in the motel months earlier reentered his erotic world. Ellie's illness coupled with the uncertainty of what would evolve over the next few months and perhaps years dominated his consciousness. His recollection of his dalliance with the other side of his sexuality seemed to coalesce deeply with his strangely abstract state of mind and a profound feeling of being alone in the world. Perhaps Dan implications were accurate. He was simply using Dan for another purpose this time around instead of dealing with him as partner with whom he could find pleasure in some authentic way. And, more importantly, as friends.
Then he began second-guessing his self-analysis. There must have been some childhood incident with an adult male or pal in grade school that was driving him to this moment. What was he repressing? He was convinced he was not gay or losing interest in women. But what would it mean if he was forced to accept his attraction to both sexes? Was it simply something unique about Dan that intrigued him and generated this desire? He could feel the frustration build from his inability to solve this riddle. "Fuck." Again, he glanced around, but the profanity was swallowed up amid the raucous beach noises.
He jokingly told his daughters on many occasions to beware of any boys who seemed to be sporting the one-eyed monster. They couldn't be trusted. Certainly he didn't understand that about himself until became a parent, but he knew better now. Was he simply proposing a more sophisticated game of grab-ass with Dan when he asked him to return tonight? Not even more sophisticated, just more complicated. This seduction seemed unlike last summer. This time he had a reference point. There was no question he was lonely in the most elemental physical way that he had ever felt since becoming an adult who expected and anticipated sex on a regular basis. And what if being with Dan was simply satisfying that need? If he could look at Dan, when it was all over, and say thanks and see you when we meet...what, the next time I need to intimate with you? If he knew, he could answer Dan's question fairly.
That was the problem. If Dan came to his room later that night, what would happen down the road? If Dan could accept that he had no answer to that very different concern, then he could look Dan in the eye and be honest. But he didn't know if Dan would come or call. He stuffed his sandwich wrappers and empty tea bottle into the bag and walked slowly back to his car. His business meetings would be a welcome diversion.
He flipped the glove box open. The photo of Ellie he had taped to the inside stared at him. If he met Dan again, would this be fair to her? Probably not, but he had lost faith in the meaning of fairness at this point in his life. Should he be keeping secrets from her at this point in her battle? Theoretically, he should never be, but there were always a few, and he wasn't intimidated by secrecy. He had never been in a psychic survival mode like this before. What if he and Dan got together and, afterward, while Dan was still in the room, guilt from cheating on Ellie ruptured the mood of the room and his attempt to rebuild his friendship with Dan in the process? Perhaps Dan was right. This was folly. His phone dinged with a text message. Dan would be there at 7:30.
At just past 7:30, Dan knocked. Ben welcomed him and Dan took the second chair in the room. "Want a beer?"
"No. I just came to talk," Dan said.
Ben nodded.
"I'm not sure why I'm here," Dan said.
"I've thought about your question. It's hard to know what I might do based on the only time we were together. But I'll be very surprised if that happens again. I mean, I'm quite sure it won't," Ben said.
"You're not going to feel guilty about this, even if you like it?" Dan said.
"That wasn't your fucking question, Danny."
"Can you answer it anyway because that might be more important?" Dan said.
"I've thought a lot about it since last night. For months, really. I'm not going to tell Ellie. Tomorrow when I go back home for a three day weekend, I'm going to do everything I can to make her life easier and prove that I love her. But I'd do that anyway, whether you stay or not. Because that's what I've got to do."
Dan was silent, so Ben asked, "Why don't you want to stay?"
"I'm not sure. I think I understand about last summer from what you said last night. Most of my anger about that eased away throughout the day. But I'd feel terrible if giving into this thing again will make things bad for you and Ellie. You'll have it on your mind and I don't know if that's fair for you or for her. You talked about wanting your passion to be pure and uncomplicated. You and me, having sex again, is pretty complicated."
Ben got up and sat on the bed near Dan's chair. "Part of me agrees with you 100%. But I need to allow myself to get away from Ellie and her cancer and everything I'll be doing for her this weekend and for every week and every weekend as far as I can see. That part of me wants to touch you, Danny."
Dan nibbled on his finger as he nodded. "Sure seems complicated." Then Ben reached over and touched Dan's knee and let it rest there.
"I appreciate your gentle touch," Dan said.
"That's how I'm feeling," Ben said.
"I'm not sure what I want," Dan said.
"Can you trust me?" Ben said.
"My head is spinning, warning me to get my ass out of this room. But my gut is telling me that you won't hurt me this time. And part of me wants to touch you again, too. I don't know if I'd call that trusting you," Dan said.
Ben lifted his lips to taste Dan's, but as they touched, he felt reluctance on Dan's part. Ben wanted to follow his yearnings that had been with him for weeks, to kiss Dan deeply and to touch his skin and cock. He wanted to be hard with him again, sucking each other like they had done a year ago. He had scoured the internet about more intimate aspects of male sex, and he was intrigued by those levels of intimacy. Cautious, too. It was a simple recognition: he wasn't gay--he was simply exploring a part of himself that needed discovery, so he needn't do what gay men had to do. What he was craving was simply play. And intimacy. Eventually, Ellie would be better and his authentic needs would find the proper satisfaction again.
The air conditioning unit kicked in and the humming shifted him into action. He removed his polo shirt and was relieved when Dan followed his lead, which then led to each of them kicking off their slacks. The touching of nearly naked bodies was much more tentative than a year ago. Each of them kept his underwear on though Ben had to restrain his impulse to pull Dan's red briefs away from his groin whenever he allowed his hands to caress Dan's lower back. After ten minutes of touching, he asked, "Would you feel comfortable if I gave you a back rub?"
He saw the hesitation rise on Dan's face, then felt it subside. "Yeah, that would be nice," Dan said.
Ben perched on his knees and kneaded Dan's neck, shoulders, and lower back, careful not to touch his ass. Though he also wanted to give into this craving about a man's bottom. The nervousness in Dan's muscles eased. After fifteen minutes of an aggressive rub, he could feel Dan sink into deeper relaxation. He stopped and let his hand rest on Dan's thighs.
"You liked it."
"Yeah. How often does anyone get a rub like that? My turn now," Dan said.
"I'm not expecting it. Just wanted to show you I care."
Dan turned, resting on his elbow. "I'd like to massage you, too."
"OK."
Ben quickly sprawled on his belly hoping Dan wouldn't see his aroused cock through his boxers. Nor did he try to catch a glimpse of the front of Dan's briefs. Dan knelt alongside him reaching for his shoulders, but then asked, "Would you mind if I straddle you for better leverage?"
"Please do."
He was distracted by Dan's weight on his ass and the sensations of Dan's genitals probing between his cheeks and below his balls as Dan energetically dug into his shoulder tissues. Even after the extended massage, Ben could not let his mind sink deeply into relaxation. Finally he felt Dan's hands rest on his shoulders. "You've got a good body to massage?" Dan said.
"Why's that?"
"Lots of tissue to work with, but not so much I can't reach your sore points," Dan said.
"You've done this before?" Ben said.
"I took a class about ten years ago and practiced on about a dozen people. Some were simply obese. Others were pretty thin, and I felt like I was cutting into bone every time I tried to work the muscles deeply with those men. People with fleshy backs like yours are the best," Dan said.
"Nice way of labeling my fat," Ben said.
"I mean it."
"You were good. Even if we didn't do anything more than this, I'd like getting together with you," Ben said.
"If anyone busted in here, they would never assume it was a massage class," Dan said.
"You're right. I was aroused in lots of ways as you dug in with your fingers."
Dan slid off Ben's rear, and Ben rolled over and sat up next to him. "We could stop here."
"You mean, we should stop here?" Dan said.
"It's up to you, Danny. I'm not going to push you. I started this thing."
For the first time that night, Dan approached him first, touching his chin and lips. "That mean you want to stop or go?"
Then he felt Dan trail his fingers through the hairs above his naval. Ben had another suggestion. "Would you take a shower with me?"
"Yes, I'd like to," Dan said.
Ben led the way into the bathroom and turned the shower on. They kissed as they waited for the warm water. "Maybe this sounds too kinky. Want to wear our underwear into the shower?"
"You've been thinking about this?" Dan said.
"Yes. Very much. When I had lunch today near the beach, I wondered what it would be like to be swimming with you. Our suits on, then pulling them down."
They stepped into the shower stall which was surprisingly large for a motel unit. They kissed as the warm water run over their heads and shoulders. Ben had placed two bars of soap in the tray, and they soaped each other's chests and the front of their underwear. Ben slid his hands inside Dan's briefs lathering his genitals. Dan moaned and Ben grunted. Their noises were swallowed up by the cascading waters. Dan reached inside of Ben's boxers soaping his stiff cock and tightening balls. Ben smiled as they pleasured each other. "I may have thought about this, but it's more arousing than I imagined. Turn around," Ben said.
He lathered Dan's back and slid his hands inside the back of the briefs. "I told you I've been watching men's asses. Wanting to do something like this. Feel one in the flesh."
He pulled Dan's briefs to the tile floor and Dan kicked them off to the side. "I've been wondering what a pair of man-cheeks would feel like. Some of them would be pink and bare of hair. I've see some men with very hairy buttocks. But most are like ours. Lightly coated with hair. So different than a woman's."
"I like what you're doing. In case you wondered," Dan said as his hands leaned against the shower wall for balance.
"Good. Because I've wanted to clean a man between his cheeks," Ben said as he slowly slid his fingers into Dan's crack and washed it from his balls, across the taint, and over the tissue of the hole. "I've discovered I'm very sensitive there. Right at the opening," Ben said.
"Me, too."
"In the shower, like this?" Ben said.
"Yeah, though it's a bit awkward reaching around. But it makes me gasp when I do."
"Seem like a very man to man thing," Ben said.
"Yes. Never thought of it with Jenny."
Ben circled the tender tissue at the opening to Dan's hole. Dan gasped and moaned. Ben probed a bit with his middle finger. "That OK?"
"Yes. I like your thick fingers, Ben."
"My hands aren't any bigger than yours, but my fingers are thicker."
"Like our cocks," Dad said.
Ben slid the finger slowly until he was halfway in. "That's as far as I can reach when I do it do myself," Dan said.
Ben pushed more and until his middle finger had reached its limit. "That OK?"
"Wiggle it."
Ben retracted his finger and slid it in again twirling it against the tissue walls. This time it bumped up against Dan's prostate. "You OK back there. PSA level decent?"
"Yeah. Low numbers. How about you?
"Good for me, too. The last time I had it checked, the doc lingered, checking it more fully. Caused a reaction," Ben said.
"What kind?"
"I sprung a boner. Leaked a bit. When I apologized, the doc said it was a normal reaction. Happens all the time."
"One of the perks of his job."
Ben laughed. "I almost said that to him."
"Feels good when you stroke it like that. I'm leaking like crazy."
Ben touched the tip of Dan's cock and tasted his precum. "I'm pulling out. Saving some for when we get back to bed."
He washed Dan one more time and then he turned so Dan could touch him. His boxers were soaked, and the first thing Dan did was to pull them off. "Would you like me to wear something that fits tighter? That's what I think about when I fantasize about a man's ass. That it's encased in tight underwear. Like yours or boxer briefs," Ben said.
"Boxers are sexy, too. So many access points."
He felt Dan's fingers along his hair at the base of his spine, then rubbing his cheeks. He moaned. "You sensitive there or just anticipating?" Dan asked.
"Both. When we were younger, did you look at my ass much?"
"Every time I saw you."
"Fucking queer. Did you want it back then?"
Dan pinched his left cheek. "Ouch," Ben whispered and laughed.
"Just in a generalized way. I didn't know when men did with each other."
"Now my ass is in your hands. What do you think?" Ben said.
"It's fleshier than mine." He reached between the cheeks and soaped Ben. "Hairier than I am right there."
"That OK?" Ben asked.
"Of course." Dan's fingers slide across Ben's hairy taint to his ball sac and back. Dozens of times. "Wow. That feels really good. Never knew I was so sensitive there until last summer. When you ran your tongue there. Did you want to lick my ass last summer?"
"Almost did. But it seemed too soon," Dan said.
"Want to try it when we go back to bed?"
"I'm game if you are. Figured that might be one reason you suggested the shower."
"Yes, but I'm not trying to manipulate you this time. I want to try some of these things. And I want you to feel comfortable, too." Ben said.
"I am, now. Want my finger?"
"I'm dying for you to try it."
Dan pleasured the outside of his hole, circling it over and over, like Ben had done to him. Discovering the zone of pleasure. When Dan's middle finger entered him slowly, Ben jumped. "You OK?"
"Yeah, just didn't know what it would feel like when another man did that to me," Ben said.
"Should I continue?"
"I'll be disappointed if you stop."
Dan's finger played with him, inside and out. Each time extending deeper inside him. When the finger touched his prostate, he jumped again. "O, my, God. You're so much better than the urologist."
Dan laughed and continued, playing there for many minutes. If the shower wall hadn't been there to support him, Ben might have fallen over. Dan pulled out and something new entered him. "That's not your cock, is it?"
"My thumb."
The digit penetrated him in a different way and was able to massage his prostate in a unique way. "Feel my cock, Dan."
It was coated with precum, thick and tantalizing. Dan put his finger to Ben's mouth and Ben sucked his precum, then took Dan's index finger into his mouth like it was a cock. The sensation of sucking it and being fingered by Dan's thumb as astounding pleasurable.
They rinsed off and toweled each other. When they were under the top sheet, they kissed for twenty minutes, their hands touching everywhere as they did. "Danny, before we do the rest, are you OK?"
"Yeah, very much. But we should talk a bit before we go on."
"About what?"
"Just in case. Because when we're done, you may not feel like it. You might sink into a funk like last time. Let's clear the air first."
"That's smart."
"Everything we've done for the past hour has been amazing, Ben. And when we're on the other side of the orgasm, I hope we can still talk. I don't want to walk away angry."
"I'll make a deal with you. When we're done, if I can't say something really nice, I won't say anything at all."
Dan laughed loudly. "That will certainly be better than last time."
"That might be the best I can offer. I hope it's much better than that. Just saying," Ben said.
"OK. Just saying, let me down gently if this is the last time."
"OK. Will do."
Without any more conversation, Ben eagerly slid between Dan's legs, pleasuring his nipples and belly and thighs on the way down. He licked Dan's cock extending that with the tongue sweeping from his taint to his glans, over and over, as he had done a year ago. He felt more confident this time, knowing he was doing something Dan enjoyed. That he would enjoy when it was Dan's turn. "Turn over, buddy."
Dan rolled over and spread his legs. Ben aggressively licked his lower back and ass cheeks. Quickly spreading them and attacking Dan's opening. Swirling his tongue around and around. Probing inside the opening. He moaned as much as Dan did. More than he could remember moaning when he pleasured Ellie orally. He didn't know how much time elapsed. Twenty minutes was his guess. Dan rolled back and Ben took his cock into his mouth. Gently at first as he lubed his middle finger and inserted it into Dan's ass. Then more vigorously as he simultaneously finger fucked Dan. Dan writhed and moaned. Ben did all the things he had been thinking about for months when he fantasized this moment. His tongue had a mind of its own as he found new ways to pleasure Dan's tip and shaft. Dan said nothing but rode the pleasure in his ass and cock to the edge. "I'm going to cum if you continue," Dan said.
Without hesitation, Ben brought him to the end. Tasting and swallowing the juice. Until Dan put his hands on his head. "It's too sensitive to continue. Kiss me, please."
Ben rose and he and Dan kissed like they were accomplished lovers. "Rest for a bit. While I hold you," Ben said.
Ben started to drowse a bit and wasn't sure when Dan slid between his thighs and licked his cock. He rolled over as Dan ordered him and took his tongue up his ass. It was splendid, but he knew he had already done so much of what he wanted to. Giving the pleasure to Dan. Asking him, in that way, to forgive him. Dan repeated much of what Ben had done to him, greedily taking the pleasure. Like it was the first time. When Dan fingered him as he sucked his rigid cock, the pleasure came from a new place within him. As though the two of them had discovered some essence of male love. Though the ultimate pleasuring still sat in the distance. Beyond them. Perhaps if they did more of this. He felt his cum rise and his thighs tighten, and the release as the explosion occurred ripped him apart. Dan took him and ingested his white liquid. He could barely remember Dan kissing him with his cum on his lips. He slipped quickly into sleep turning toward Dan and spooning him. Thinking of Ellie at the same time. But there was no revulsion. Or bewilderment as there sometimes was even after he had cum into Ellie. Wondering if when he woke after all the pieces of pleasure dissolved and he was becoming himself again, what he'd be this time. After the second session of pleasuring a man.
When he woke, Dan was still in his arms, but Ben could tell he was awake. "Thanks for letting me rest."
"Figured you needed it. You must be getting some ragged sleep."
"Yeah. If not ragged, at least unpredictable."
"Are you still sleeping with Ellie?"
"Most nights. Sometimes in the spare bedroom."
Dan kissed Ben's hand that draped over his belly. "Should I get going?"
Ben laughed. "Very polite of you."
"I know you need to think this through. So do I. When we're apart from each other."
"Yeah."
"How disgusted are you?" Dan asked, knowing this was the ultimate question.
"You know, not so bad this time. Not at you, anyway. You were kind and loving. What else could I ask for?" Ben said, sweetly.
"Especially since you orchestrated this thing."
"Yes. I did. Forgive me it that was unfair of me," Ben said.
"I was an eager partner. But it was all you, Ben."
"Danny, go take a shower and come back."
He dozed lightly as the water ran in the bathroom. Not wanting to think about talking. Not wanting his regular life to resume. Knowing he needed to call Annie one last time tonight. Hoping this time-out from everything calamitous could go on for a few more hours. He woke again as Dan sat on the edge of the bed fully dressed. "I'm not sure it's appropriate for you to give my best to Ellie. But I care about her. And you. I hope it works out."
"Thanks."
Dan made motions to get up and as he did, Ben reached out and held his hand. "Thanks for all of this. You can't know what's going on inside me. I don't understand the half of it myself. It's all so different and new. My life coming apart. But this, what we did, somehow it will help me stitch myself up a bit so I can carry on. So, thanks. I couldn't have done this with anyone else I know."
They sat like that for another minute. Dan squeezed his hand as he stood up. "Please let me know what happens."
"I will. Promise."
"Hey, Danny, don't forget your underwear."
"I left them for you. Maybe they'll fit."
The door closed and he tried to sit up and make the phone call to Annie. Maybe even speak to Ellie if she were still awake. But he couldn't pull himself free and emerge from his escape. Instead he caressed the pillow Dan had slept on.