Reunion at Forty-Eight Chapter 3 By Ezra Randle
Eight Months Later
Dan sat in his car, glanced at his watch again, and rubbed his arms. He had just come from swimming and could feel the chlorine-induced flakiness on his skin. Ben's invitation came three weeks ago, the first contact since the email just before Christmas, to which he hadn't responded. In fact, he was so angry when he read that holiday apology which seemed to read as blithely as Christmas tinsel, that he deleted it with all the other past emails from Ben. Ben was apologetic again in his most recent email but this time requested a meeting. To explain himself in person. That sounded reasonable to Dan until he became tormented again by how Ben had manipulated him when they last met, and by how easily and eagerly he followed Ben's lead in the seduction. No matter how generously he tried, he couldn't see the events in any other way.
He was already fifteen minutes late and knew if he sat in the car any longer that Ben would likely leave. And what if Ben came out into the parking lot and saw him sitting there, paralyzed by the past? He didn't want to think how embarrassing that would be. Then he laughed in self-mockery. How much embarrassment could possibly be too much in this situation? He had to either drive off right now or rouse himself and satisfy his curiosity, even if it was of the most perverse kind.
Ben was sitting at the same booth at which they had met last summer, drinking from a bottle with two empties with stripped labels next to a basket of popcorn in front of him. He didn't get up when Dan approached, simply extending his hand which Dan took reluctantly. "Want a beer?" Ben asked.
"I'll get one." Dan walked to the bar and ordered a bottle, paid for it, then asked for a second. He returned and offered one to Ben, who smiled slightly and asked, "Peace offering?"
"Not really. Just a gesture for old time's sake."
"Thanks," Ben said.
Ben drained his beer and then tasted the fresh one. Dan didn't want to prolong the inevitable nor let any placating words generate any new unpleasantness. "Why are you here, Ben?"
"I'll get to the point. I sent you that note back around Christmas time. I know it wasn't much of an apology." Then he paused. "You did get it, didn't you?"
"Yeah, I got it," Dan said.
"You didn't respond, which I can understand. So I thought I'd like to settle things in person--like I said in my last note," Ben said.
"Not in much of a hurry."
"I didn't know how to apologize. Maybe I should have written you a longer note with more specifics. I was very worried somebody might read whatever I wrote. I know we had to be discreet. I was hoping you'd respond and we'd be able to meet. When you didn't, I put it out of my mind. And I'm sorry about that as well," Ben said.
"No end to your apologies."
Ben drank slowly and then he looked up, trying to grin. "I really fucked up. More than I ever have maybe."
"Just out of curiosity, what are you really apologizing for?" Dan said.
"I manipulated you, ordered you to get out without even a decent word of...I mean I couldn't say thanks that night but I should have said something different," Ben said.
"You told me that you knew you could seduce me because I was a queer."
"That was unfair."
"Why'd you say that anyway?" Dan asked.
"I hated myself for what I'd done. It didn't have anything to do with you," Ben said.
"But you thought I was gay underneath whatever I am and you played on that," Dan said.
"That's what I said and I'm sorry."
"You afraid I'm going to tell someone what we did?" Dan said.
Ben laughed. "Not in the slightest. You wouldn't do that to me. Or to yourself."
"Why not?"
"Besides the obvious, I think you still like me too much. The feeling is mutual, by the way," Ben said.
"People can do very cruel things to those they like," Dan said.
"OK. I'll stop. I don't need to say anything more."
Dan pushed his nearly untasted beer forward and began to rise, then caught himself and sat back down. He took some time to examine Ben's face for the first time in a year. He had regained some of the lost weight. Not all of it, but he noticed it under his chin. He couldn't see his waistline from where they sat, but he wouldn't be surprised if some of the weight had landed there, too. As though he had been listening to Dan's thoughts, Ben lifted his face and pulled back his chest. Dan could see his nipples protruding against his tight polo shirt. Finally Dan said, "Was it nothing to you? Just a series of disgusting acts that caused you to hate yourself and to hate me for being part of it?"
Ben leaned forward. "I'd like to talk about that. But I can't when you're so angry at me."
"I'm headed outside," Dan said.
He exited the motel and strolled toward his car, fumbling for his keys out of habit, and even clicking the fob to open the locks. Then he paused. What more would a few minutes matter? He had already gone through a year of confusion. He rarely saw Ben, and the worst that would come of this was that he would avoid the next class reunion. Not such a big loss. He pocketed his keys and went back inside. Ben had the look of a man who'd been stood-up and seemed genuinely surprised when he sat down again. "OK, I'll stay and listen and won't be such as asshole."
It took Ben a minute to regain himself. "I got very confused. Not before, but afterward, lying in bed, like I didn't know who I was. And I had to make sense of what I'd done. You being there made that impossible."
"Has it made any sense since then?" Dan said.
"It's peculiar. I rarely thought about you or that night for about four months afterward. Probably wouldn't let myself. Shortly after we met, when most of my confusion settled down, I started feeling different than I had. Remember what I told you about the dreams and the sexual disorientation I was going through? All that changed. Not completely, but for the most part. I started having incredible sex with Ellie, several times a week. It was like I left this fucking monster back in the motel room," Ben said.
"Or told him to get out of the room."
"You weren't the monster. It was in me. I thought I just wanted to be what I was, loving women, my wife, and not thinking about all that other stuff. And it worked, Ben said.
Dan felt the anger arising again and Ben noticed it. "Wait, Danny. That was a bad choice of words. What I mean is, what worked is that I didn't know what I was feeling before we got into bed, but after we...you know, I sensed what you and I could be and that wasn't what I thought I was or should be."
Dan didn't understand the explanation, but he sensed something else going on within Ben. "So, the dreams about other men disappeared afterward?"
"Mostly." Ben laughed. "I've been looking at their asses and not their cocks. Increasingly often. Maybe that's an improvement."
"You're still looking at other men? It hasn't gone away?"
"Yeah. I guess it's a part of my life. But I can control it. I don't have to give in to it. I mean, even if I wanted to, that's not fair to other people."
"So, seducing me, knowing I would be seduced, was therapeutic?"
"Yeah. It was."
"What do you mean, was?" Dan said.
"It's Ellie. I had mostly forgotten about you, then she got terrible news."
"What?"
"Cervical cancer. Diagnosed in January. It runs in her family."
Dan felt his gut tremble. "Why didn't you say so earlier? Or e-mail me? I didn't have to be such an asshole tonight."
Ben shrugged his shoulders, and Dan looked him square in the face. "I'm really sorry. I mean it. This other shit is nothing in comparison," Dan said.
"Thanks. That means a lot. But I didn't want to play the cancer card until we talked about last summer."
"What's the prognosis?"
"Uncertain. The cancer was detected at a moderate stage, but it's a really aggressive strain. Ellie had surgery and she's been doing chemo and radiation since late spring. She's bouncing back, and it's my responsibility to tell everyone I know, and especially Ellie and the kids, that we're going to beat it. But I'm telling you, Danny, and just you, I have my doubts."
"Should you be away like this?"
"Annie, our youngest, is home for the summer. I just called. Everything is good tonight. Besides I've got to get away from some of it. A man's still got to work," Ben said.
Dan felt drained. His bitterness no longer mattered. "I appreciate you telling me. If there's anything I can do."
"Ellie's family has really been kicking in. She's got four sisters. If the kids aren't back home, one of her sisters is in the house." Then he smiled. "They've been so nice that I hate to say this, but I feel like a stranger in my own home."
"So, you're enjoying the business trip," Dan said.
"Kind of. But I feel guilty enjoying anything at the same time," Ben said.
"You want me to leave or stay?" Dan said.
"Stay. Please. I'm not trying to scare you away again."
"OK. Want another beer?" Dan said.
"Maybe one more. I got to be careful about that. I've been using booze to sleep."
When Dan returned with another round, Ben said, "Bet you didn't expect this when you walked in? You were so pissed at me just a few minutes ago."
"You throw a great counter punch. But I won't take up much more of your time. And I'm still angry about the other thing, but I can forget about it," Dan said.
"You know what my first reaction was when Ellie told me the news?"
"What?"
"I had caused it. Like my semen had fucking tarnished her and corroded her because I had been with you. I felt like I dirtied her."
Dan didn't respond, nor did he feel any anger. Ben smiled. "I appreciate you not getting pissed again. I told you earlier how my sex life with Ellie had soared after our night together. I wanted her two, three nights a week, so I thought I had given her cancer. I know that's nonsensical, but that's the way my guilt worked."
"I understand your thinking. Somehow we have to get a fix on why shitty things happen especially to those we love," Dan said.
"Of course, the great irony is that after those four months of unbelievable sex, we haven't done it since and maybe won't ever again. Things change pretty quickly," Ben said.
"Yeah. I'm sorry about the whole thing."
"Lots of apologies from you, too, buddy. But thanks."
They clinked bottles and Ben said, "When I don't feel guilty and when I can let myself not think about Ellie, I still get horny."
"For her?"
"No, asshole. In general. Thoughts of naked men with fleshy ass cheeks and cocks hard and leaking have come back. I'm not fighting them. I don't care anymore if they make that part of me feel some satisfaction without hurting anybody," Ben said.
"What do you do in the real world?"
"Sometimes jack off. More lately."
"Sounds reasonable to me if I picture myself in your situation," Dan said.
Ben reached across the table and lightly touched Dan's hand. "I've even thought about you."
Dan withdrew his hand immediately. "With all due respect to Ellie, fuck you, Ben."
Ben laughed. "No really. I have."
"Why are you saying this?"
"Because I have thought about last summer again, and I no longer have the same reaction I did back then," Ben said.
"Yeah. You're just fucking horny. Even if it means seducing a fag," Dan said.
"That night last summer, before I freaked out, I enjoyed what we did. After I thought about my crazy emotional reactions to what I did that night, I recognized that you were sweet to me and it was pleasurable."
Dan was stunned but Ben didn't notice as he continued. "And if I thought I had any chance of you visiting my room again, I'd ask you to."
Dan shook his head. "Don't ruin things. I felt like I was shifting past my anger. Don't make me go back."
"That's why I'm not asking you to come to my room. All I'm saying is that if you weren't so pissed off at me because I had been such a bastard the last time, maybe you would say yes for an hour," Ben said.
"I think I should go."
"OK. But will you think about what I said. I'll be here tomorrow night, too, getting back around 5:30. Unless something comes up with Ellie. At least call me, so I know I haven't made you hate me again," Ben said.
Dan nodded as he got up. "OK. See you sometime."
Ben offered his hand, and the moment he took it, Dan felt his world tipping again. He started to walk away, then turned back and stood alongside Ben. "I won't even consider it unless you think about something, too."
"What?"
"You have to be able to promise me you won't be pissed off at me or yourself or whatever you're going to dredge up if we see each other again," Dan said.
"I don't think I'll be upset, but I can't promise it."
Dan shook his head. "You owe me that much."