Reunion at Forty-eight--section

Reunion at Forty-eight--Section 11 By Ezra Randle

Three Weeks Later

The email popped up after Dan had come in from a walk.

Hey Danny. Did you hear about Stan Formak? Dropped over dead last night. He was still living in Eau Claire. You must remember him. Really good guy. Came to all the reunions. I was friends with him the last year of high school. Thought you might want to come with me to his funeral on Friday. I am thinking of spending the night afterward.

It didn't take Dan long to decide to go. Among all their classmates, he and Stan had always had one of the most heartwarming relationships. From grade school on up, including at their series of five-year reunions. He agreed to drive to Ben's home and leave his car there while he and Ben drove to Eau Claire. They spent much the first hour of the three hour journey recalling their memories of Stan. Dan finally asked Ben about Maureen and their plans. Ben looked at him strangely, like they'd already had this discussion. "Haven't I told you we are going to get married, sometime before Christmas? Small affair. Just her family and mine."

"Nope. You didn't mention it. Sounds great. I'm really happy for you. For both of you. I'm looking forward to meeting her."

Ben then recalled his discussion about Maureen had occurred when he was visualizing Dan in his bathroom mirror less than a month ago. "She doesn't know much about you. When I told her you were joining me for the weekend, she asked a few questions. But she was in a rush and wasn't very curious. I haven't told her anything in case you were wondering," Ben said.

"I figured you might have brought it up. Since you are starting over like you are. No secrets and all of that."

"No chance. I relish my secrets. I assume you haven't told Jenny anything."

"Nope. Just one person."

"Really. Who's that?"

"I guy I met. I've seen him a few times. We've talked about our lives quite a bit. I never mentioned your name."

"How did you meet him?"

"Same way most people meet each other these days. Internet."

"Sex dating site?"

"Yup."

"No kidding. Do you mind if I ask you about it?" Ben said.

Dan laughed. "Feel free."

They talked for an hour about Leonard and how the relationship evolved over the past few months. Dan had seen him every few weeks. Usually on Saturdays when Jenny was in New Berlin helping with her mother. After the overwhelming first meeting, Leonard decided they needed to move more slowly. Which was fine with Dan. "What did you do that first time that overwhelmed him?" Ben said.

"He and I had gotten to know each other fairly well chatting online. Then we met in person two times. So when we first met at his home, it was easy to make-out and get naked, without much more preliminary conversation. The shocking thing, in retrospect, is that he wanted me to fuck him after a few hours of being together." He looked over at Ben. "So I did. Twice."

"Wow. I'm a bit blown away. No reason you shouldn't have. It's just I thought that fucking would take some time."

"Yeah. It was kind of extreme. Leonard and I both agree. We got carried away. We haven't done it much since."

Ben didn't say much for the next ten minutes. "You're not jealous, are you?" Dan said.

Ben smiled. "Don't be an asshole. We did our thing. And came pretty close to fucking. At least I thought we did."

"What you and I did prepared me quite well for my time with the next guy. Which happened to be Leonard. He had very little experience."

"Do you think there will be other guys?"

"No plans for that. It's too much work finding someone new. I'm content seeing Leonard when I can. I can't say for sure he'll be satisfied down the road with what I have to offer. He is for now."

"Can I ask what it felt like?"

Dan laughed. "Can I ask what it feels like with Maureen?"

"You want to know or are you just fucking with me?"

"Fucking with you. You can tell me if you want what it's like with Maureen. I don't need to know. With Leonard, well, he was prepared for it."

"How so?"

"He had told me several times when we chatted that he wanted to try it. When I got there, he said he'd had a plug up his ass all day to stretch himself out. He cleaned himself out as well. Just in case."

"I hadn't thought about what you could do to get ready. Makes sense."

"It felt quite different than with a woman. Keep in mind, I've only been with Jenny for the past thirty years or so. The sensations on my cock were very different. Still the same nerve endings obviously, but with a man, just different. My brain is wired differently when I have sex with a man. That first time with Leonard triggered different sensations and thoughts. Does it feel that much different with Maureen?"

"Yes and no. She's a very different woman. But everything fits together the same. She's really into oral."

"Does she suck you well?"

"Better than Ellie. She hasn't made me cum that way," Ben said. He smiled and said, "Not nearly as accomplished as you are. I don't expect anyone will be as good as you. How's Leonard in that department?"

"He's learning. Not as adept as you. You have innate talents. You were better at it than I was when we met. I learned a lot from you," Dan said.

"That's very generous of you, Danny. All things considered," Ben said.

After the funeral and the meal, they met with some former classmates for a few hours at a local pub. By nine, they settled onto the queen beds in their motel room after each changed into sweat pants and t-shirts. "Danny, I'm really happy we're here like this. I've been wanting to catch up for a long time. Hope it's not too oppressive for you."

"I feel good. I've been eager to see you, too. Glad you got a room with a pair of queen beds. Makes things easier. Close but not too close."

They talked about their kids and their jobs for an hour. Ben took a shower, and when Dan came out from his, Ben had dimmed the room lights to just the desk lamp. Ella Fitzgerald was singing a songbook of standards from Ben's phone. "This music from your playlist, Ben?"

"Yeah. I've been waiting all day to tell you about something. I wanted this music in the background. So, settle in, buddy."

"OK. The stage is yours," Dan said as he sat back against the headboard of his bed. Ben pulled the comfortable chair in between the beds so he was looking directly at Dan. "Here goes. About a year ago, Ellie came back to me. Not just me thinking about her which I do all the time. But she was speaking to me."

"Like a ghost?"

"Her spirit was there. So, yeah, might be something like that. But she was far more present than she usually is when I think about her. I could feel her and talk to her and she'd answer back."

"Were you seeing Maureen then?"

"Yes. We were moving more heavily into our romance. Having spectacular sex. Definitely falling for each other. Ellie was sometimes there even when Maureen was around. Sometimes even in the bedroom. Ellie and I would talk about stuff. The kids, the house, my job, ordinary shit like that. But she was also insistent we talk about more important things. I asked her about Maureen. I was in a real mental predicament, wondering if Maureen was the real deal or not. Was I falling in lust or love or both? Ellie said it was fine. Maureen was a good person. She could see Maureen was good for me. That I'd finally come out of my depression and grief over losing her and she was grateful. She even talked about you. Ellie said she knew about us. In the motel rooms. It didn't matter. We were showing our love for each other. That I had to find a way to regain our friendship. That I needed a male friend as much as I needed Maureen."

"Really. This is pretty weird. You sure this isn't just you talking to yourself?"

"Most people would say it was just that. But it felt different than me just talking to myself which, as I said, I do all the time. So, I think I know the difference."

"I'll trust your judgment on it," Dan said.

"Don't interrupt the next part. Please. I know you always have lots of questions, but put them on pause for a few."

Dan laughed. "I'll behave myself."

"You remember our old classmate, Orvy Watson. I told you about him and Ellie becoming friends at a high school reunion. Anyway, Ellie in her reincarnation keeps bugging me to call Orvy up. I don't want to. He has to think I'm an asshole for mistreating him. All that baggage. But she won't stop. She opens her old address book for me right at Orvy's phone number. Shit like that. Until I finally give in and call him. After Orvy gets over the shock that it's me, he's so fucking nice to me. Tells me to come visit him in St. Paul next time I'm up there for work. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. I reluctantly tell him I'll be up there in a few weeks for a conference. He tells me to come see him play at the Trinity Club in the downtown Hilton. Doesn't say anything more other than he thinks I'll have a good time."

"Wow. He's not angry at all?"

"Nope. Now don't interrupt this next part. Save your fucking questions."

Dan nodded, totally intrigued with Ben's story. "So, I go to the Trinity and he's comped me for admission. He's playing in a jazz combo, Orvy on cornet, three other guys on piano, drum, and bass, and this sixty-five year old singer. Black lady with natural hair. A bit overweight, but still looking quite prime. Fabulous smile. All of them dressed up nice. Like nightclub performers. I sit down at a table Orvy's reserved for me and Orvy salutes me as they're playing. I'm distracted as hell, but then I start listening to the music. And it just fucking blows me away. All these old songs, like Ella's singing on my playlist. Mostly stuff I've never heard before. I'm not that big of a music fan. It's always been just background stuff for the most part. But I'm paying attention to this singer. Lorraine Duggins. The melodies and the lyrics just kick my ass. The set ends and Orvy comes over. We talk and I apologize again for being an asshole when I was thirteen. Orvy is so mellow. He's mostly put that shit behind him. Then it's time for the next set and he tells me to listen closely. This is Lorraine's killer set. No breaks between songs. A seamless forty-five minutes. Jimmy Duggins, her husband, is the pianist and he warms the crowd up. Then Lorraine joins them and sings a series of songs with no pitter-patter between them. The flow of the disparate songs is like she's presenting just one long piece. Most are ballads, a few upbeat, and it's impossible not to focus on her words. The way she sometimes half-talks her way through the music. The lyrics sing out to me, then fade into the next line of the next melody. The night is like a lovely tune, beware my foolish heart.' I've never been a fan of poetry, never understood it. Always seemed like too much work to think about. But these words are different. I only know what I know, the passing years will show, you've kept my love so young, so new.' The words are from the heart of mature lovers who have tasted separation and loss and love that shouldn't have occurred to begin with, but that inevitably did. It's so easy to understand them. "Like the wind that shakes the bough, she moves me with a smile. The difficult I'll do right now, the impossible will take a little while." They linger within me. "It's very clear our love is here to stay. Not for a year but ever and a day." The lyrics flow like silk off of Lorraine's lips telling me why Ellie came back. So I'd end up right there, listening to Orvy and Lorraine. "O what a lovely time it was, how sublime it was too. Grand to be alive, to be young, to be mad, to be yours alone." I fall in love with Lorraine. "You are the promised kiss of springtime that makes the lonely winter seem long. You are the breathless hush of evening that trembles on the brink of a lovely song." Then I move my attention to Orvy as his cornet seems to repeat Lorraine's words. "In my dreams your face will flower through the darkness of the night." Orvy and Lorraine are like one instrument. "Is there a meadow in the mist where someone's waiting to be kissed." And then Lorraine stops singing and the crowd is on their feet clapping for the first time they have a chance to during the set. She bows several times and acknowledges the musicians. I'm trying to fight my way out of the daze. Lorraine and Orvy fucking seduced me. I'm still reeling as Orvy takes a place beside me and taps me on the shoulder. `What did you think, Ben?'

I try to answer but have trouble verbalizing my feelings. `I'm overwhelmed.'

Orvy laughs at me. `Is that good?'

I tell him, `It's about as good as it can be. Everything about it. I feel like a choir of voices has gently stampeded whatever I thought I liked about music. The songs are so damn tender and seductive and...just so real, like what people like me, middle-aged people who have experienced what she was singing about, know about and think about when they think about love. I feel like I'll never be able to listen to any other kind of music again. I mean it. Where do these songs come from? How long has this been going on and where have I been all these years?'

Orvy laughs loudly this time. `I can tell you've been listening. That was the Gershwin brothers by the way'."

And then Ben stopped talking. He smiled and became choked up. "Sorry, Danny. But I had to tell it like that. With pieces of lyrics in the story. Hope it wasn't too confusing," Ben said.

"It was beautiful. Just impeccable. Did you rehearse it for me?" Dan said.

Ben blushed. "I did. I wanted it to be perfect. So you'd understand what's been going on with me."

"Thank you. And I mean it. I know about those songs, Ben."

"You've heard Lorraine?"

"Growing up, my dad had dozens of albums by jazz singers. Mostly ladies. Like Billie Holiday, and Ella, and Sarah Vaughan. He'd play them all the time when I was kid. I heard them hundreds of times in his office behind the family room. Then he left when I was seventeen. Took the albums with him. I've hardly seen him since. About fifteen years ago, I started buying CDs of the same stuff. I listen to the songs all the time. Off my phone now. Like you do. Sometimes at night, I put headphones on and soar into a world of bliss."

"No shit. Then you'd love Lorraine. She's right out of your playbook."

"Yeah. I'm sure I would."

They sat in silence. "Is Ellie still appearing in your life?" Dan finally said.

Ben laughed. "She'll come back anytime I want her to. But I've told her to stay away. That she's done her work. Transforming me into some better version of who I am."

"I thought you were going to say you had sex with her."

"Well, I did, as a matter of fact. Couple of times. She'd sit on me and take me and make me cum. I'd wake up and my boxers were soaked with our juices. Sounds totally crazy, but it's true."

Dan believed him. "How else has she transformed you?"

"I'm no longer a Republican. If that counts. She told me I had to stop with that nonsense and be a better man."

Dan laughed loudly. Ben moved the chair back to its place and went into the bathroom. When he came out, Dan could see he'd been crying. "You OK?"

"Yeah. It caught up with me. That's all. You can see why I haven't been able to tell anyone about all of this. I appreciate you hearing me out."

They sat in silence for another ten minutes. "Should I turn the light out? It's after midnight," Ben said.

"Go ahead. I'll just sit a bit and think about what you've told me," Dan said.

After another fifteen minutes, Dan heard Ben singing very softly, like he probably did when was alone. Since his introduction to the world of Lorraine Duggins.

"Blue skies smiling at me,

Nothing but blue skies do I see.

Bluebirds singing a song.

Nothing but bluebirds all day long."

Dan's voice slipped between the lyrics. "What's that song?"

Ben stopped singing.

"Sounds like `Blue Skies'," Dan said.

"Yeah, it is."

"You know that song? You actually sing songs like that now?" Dan said, full of amazement.

"It's just one of the standards."

"Ben, most people I know don't have Irving Berlin on the tip of their tongue."

"I like the song."

"Me, too. You going to finish it?"

"Maybe. If you shut up."

"Go ahead. I'll join you."

Ben started again, but he was self-conscious now, losing the melody a bit, then stumbling with the next stretch of words. Finally Dan joined him and it became easier.

"Never saw the sun shining so bright,

Never saw things, going so right.

Noticing the days hurrying by.

When you're in love, my, how they fly."

They joined voices for the last few bars.

"Blue days, all of them gone.

Nothing but blue skies from now on."

Dan said, "You still have a very nice voice. Want to sing it again?"

"Sure."

As Ben looked up and sang and heard Dan's voice, they blended into the sounds of the Chippewa River when they were eighteen right out of high school. He felt the joy he'd discovered over the past few years when singing these old songs, smart ones that touched his heart.

"Got any more?"

"What do you mean?"

"Songs. We're on a roll. What else that I might know?"

"You know Gershwin?"

"Shit, yes. But how're you going to top `Blue Skies'?"

"OK. Try this. S Wonderful! S Marvelous--you should care for me!'"

Ben paused, and without missing much of a beat he heard Dan's pleasant baritone. " S awful nice! S paradise--`S what I love to see!'"

They lost count of how many times they sang through the infectious words, with gusto as they ran through "four-leaf-clover time," until silence returned again. Ben could see Dan nodding in the dim light. "Just as good as Berlin. Fits the situation just perfectly."

Something filled them, an effervescence bubbling up that almost brought a catch to their throats. Ben often wondered how singers could sing these tunes, often heart wrenchingly sad or ecstatically joyful, and not break down in tears in the middle of them. "Hey, Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"Remember senior prom."

"A little."

"Who'd you take?"

"Shit. Marybeth Wilson. We'd had some classes together. She was still wearing braces. First and only date with her. How about you?"

"Sally Farnsworth. Sang with us in choir that year. She was nice. We went out a few more times after graduation."

"Wouldn't know her if I saw her, to be honest," Ben said.

"Remember the night much?"

"I can vaguely recall parading around in front of lots of parents and posing for endless photos. I don't remember anything about the dance except how daring it was that we had some liquor beforehand. I think we ended up together later that night."

"Yeah. We were becoming close friends about that time. There was a party at that house by the river...whose was it?" Dan said.

"Daentl's."

"Right. They had that big spread, fancy house, lots of land along the shore. We either ditched the girls or they had left by then and we took a few beers from the cooler in your trunk and went down to the river," Dan said.

"It's coming back now. Fucking `Moon River', right?" Ben said.

"Right. Singing our asses off as we sat in the wet grass along the Chippewa."

"How'd we ever know the words?" Ben said.

"Old Lady Jefferson, the choir teacher. Remember?"

"Right. She made us sing it for a concert. `A Tribute to the Movies'," Ben said.

"How we'd all moan whenever we had to rehearse that medley. But that's how `Moon River' became the prom theme. All of us in choir had the song planted into our skulls and we swayed the vote," Dan said.

"The movie that it came from had actually been released years earlier, in 1961. Breakfast at Tiffany's. Audrey Hepburn in her little black dress and George Peppard, later of the A-Team, falling in love as friends in New York City. In the book, Truman Capote wrote Peppard's character as gay, but it's hard to figure that out in the movie. Music by Henry Mancini, words by Johnny Mercer," Ben said.

"Shit. That's a lot of trivia."

"It was one of Ellie's favorite movies. I've seen it too many times. One time Ellie said it was too bad they couldn't have a more `out' gay character in the movie. It would have been better," Ben said.

"Was this before you and I were lovers?"

"Way before."

"The song was nice. You still remember the words?" Dan said.

"I'd sing them with Ellie during the movie accompanying Holly Golightly."

"Let's hear it. If I remember them, I'll join in," Dan said.

Ben tried to find the starting note in his mind before he began singing, and even made a false start, but then the music flowed.

"Moon River, wider than a mile.

I'm crossing you in style someday."

"Stop. Let me go next," Dan said.

`Old dreammaker, you heartbreaker,

Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way'."

Their voices joined in for the rest and throughout the seven or eight times they repeated it, in increasing volume, hoping they wouldn't wake the people in the next room. When they finished, Ben said, "You've got a pretty good voice yourself."

"Just a singing-in-the-shower voice."

"Or singing-in-a-motel-room voice," Ben said.

"That, too. Prom night was really the beginning of that year when we were tight, right out of high school, heading into the summer before we started college."

"Before I got serious with Ellie."

"Good times that year, huh?" Dan said.

"Didn't realize then how good it was," Ben said.

"Hey, got anymore songs?"

"Your turn," Ben said.

"How about some more Johnny Mercer?"

"He's terrific, whether he's just doing the lyrics or the melody as well. Underappreciated, too," Ben said.

Then Ben felt like a fool, a dilettante, pretending he knew this music when all he'd done for the past few years was listen to it over and over and read what the experts said about it. Much of the information and insights were from Orvy when they talked about the songs. Dan paused a few beats, before continuing. "I think Richard Whiting composed this one, but Mercer's words are a perfect fit," and he wondered how Dan might be able to speak about these composers even more adeptly than he could.

Dan crooned the words slowly and it was wondrous to sing the lilting sounds with someone else who liked the music as he did. The moment was, just as the song said, in the most real way possible, "marvelous, too marvelous for words." After running through the song several times at different tempos, Dan said, "My dad taught me about these songs. He and his friends in Arizona gather around the piano and sing them a few times a month."

"I'd die for an evening like that."

"What's next?"

They sang through several rounds of "Fly Me To The Moon." He thought Dan was trying to turn the syllables like Sinatra, but then he realized how he and everybody who sang about "what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars" had to mimic him. They sang a dozen more songs making sure they both knew the words. The last one was one of Dan's favorites: "For All We Know." When they sang the last stanza, "so love me tonight, tomorrow was made for some, tomorrow may never come, for all we know," they both grew silent.

"I was thinking of Stan during the song. The uncertainty of things," Ben said.

"Me, too. Taking advantage of right now."

A long silence arose after talking about Stan. "You tired like I am?" Ben finally said.

"Yeah. Goodnight, Ben. This has been fun."

Ben listened to Dan slide under the bedding, exhausted, but not wanting the night to end. "Danny?"

"Yeah."

"This is going to sound weird. Maybe all wrong. But could I lie next to you for a while?"

There was no immediate response.

"Sorry for asking," Ben said.

"If you think it's OK," Dan said.

"Just as friends. After today, I know it's OK," Ben said.