All characters in this story are completely fictitious. Any similarities to anyone is coincidental. This story is about a romance between men, so if that is your thing then you should cease now. Also unlike other stories this is more of a slower moving story that is not just sex, but a slower story about the people in it and coming into their own, so if you are looking for something to get off too quickly this will not be it. If you have any comments feel free to e-mail me at lightseeker19@yahoo.com. Thanks, John Lightseeker.
Chapter One
Homecoming
It had been three o'clock in the morning when the phone call had come through. I wish I could have said that I had at least had a few hours of sleep, but in actuality it had been less then an hour of sleep. I had not been fully awake when I took the phone call, but it had only taken me a few minutes to get dressed and get on the road. It was going to be a long three-hour trip.
I must have looked like crap. I never would say that I looked that good normally although all my friends say that I was wrong about that. I guess it was because of some form of low self-esteem. My short blonde hair was a mess. Normally I always combed it before I leave my dorm room, but not this time. I never wore fashionable clothes; I was mostly a t- shirt and jeans person. Most of them were a couple of years old. I was not a big person I was a few inches shy of six feet and weighed around a hundred and forty pounds.
The phone call had been a simple one. My Father had had a massive stroke around seven o'clock. It had come as a shock, but as I drove home I did not know how to feel. Almost everyone would be scared and sad that his or her Father was in such a life-threatening situation, but for me I felt really numb about it. There was one time that my Father was the center of my universe and there was no one else that was closer in my world. Unfortunately that had all changed almost four years ago.
My Father had been one of those that had tried to be the perfect family man. He worked a job at the auto factory in town. It was not one that actually produced the cars but they produced the alternator for several popular models. He worked about fifty hours a week, but he always made a point of separating his work and home life, so when he was home, he was home. Every year my family went on a vacation together. My father always tried to be involved in his kids' lives. He had coached my little league team, took time to go to the school meetings and even pushed me onto the high school wrestling and baseball teams. He always took the time to be there for those events, but in some part that was also part of the problem. It is all well and good that he took the time to involve himself, but participation was not the most important thing. It was winning. If at the end of the game we had not won, I always got to hear how horrible it was. That though was not the real problem. I could have handled that because even with that, I had felt like a winner. It was also part of my father's definition of what makes a real man.
No the real problem came when my father learned that his son was a fag. That unfortunately was also against the other part of my father's definition of a man. Everything had gone downhill quickly. It was like my Fathers whole world had exploded and gone to hell and I was the cause of it. I lived at home for only six months after that. There are not many sixteen years olds that get out of the house that early, but the point when he hit me and told me to get the hell out, which had been on my mind to do everyday since I had been found out. In fact I did not even plan to ever see him again. Now though I guess that was not going to be the case.
The sun was not up yet, but the sky to the east was already becoming a light blue. The clock in my car said that it was now ten after five and the radio was playing Hotel California. It was still an hour until I arrived in my hometown of Tate and then right to Tate Community Hospital. I did not know even what I was going to say or do when I got there. I was still surprised that my Mother had even called me or even had known how to get a hold of me. My guess was that my younger brother Patrick had told her. He and my Grandmother was the only ones that knew that I went to Burke College or really the only two that I had even talked to. Both had done it without the rest of the family knowing. I doubted it would have been my Grandmother. She did not even let my Grandfather know that she talked to me, or the fact the she had helped fund me these last few years. She would have called him herself. No it had to have been my brother.
During the first hour of the drive I had wondered why I had even gotten in the car. There had been no hesitation for it. Instead I had leaped out of bed and grabbed some clothes and my keys and got onto the road. It had been a shock to hear my Mothers voice and the request for me to come home to the hospital that I did not really have a reply except for yes. Now though I guess there was a part of me that wanted to see them again and maybe even deep down I wanted to be part of a family again.
Life had not been easy over the last four years. In fact it had been damn hard. For the last two years of my high school I had been lucky that my best friend Rick convinced his family to take me in. He had always been my best friend. I had felt guilty about being a burden and tried my best to pay them as much as I could. After moving in with them I had taken a job at a crappy fast food restaurant and worked thirty or more hours besides going to school. It was always a constant argument to try to get his family to try to take some money for food and me living there. Grudgingly they had given in. Of course they actually had not given in. Instead they had put it in a savings account for my college, a savings account that my Grandmother had also be in cohorts with. She had matched and then put more in it, even under the nose of my Grandfather.
Those first two years were incredibly hard for me. The working and school was not the hard part, not the hard part was living down the street from what had been my family. Everyday I went to school I would pass the house I had grown up in. Everyday that I passed the house I would wonder what was going on in there. Also I was filled with guilt every time I passed that I was the cause of so much pain and ripping a family apart. It made me feel ashamed of who I was. The only person in my family that I spoke to with any regularity was my brother Patrick. Growing up we had always been close. It helped that he was only two years younger then I. We had developed a very protective relationship and watched out for each other. That had been the biggest fear I had when my family discovered I was gay that I would lose that. Patrick though made sure that I knew that I was still his brother and that he did not like Dad's anger at me or Mom's apathy. I know more then once he had gotten into an argument with Dad over that. Sometimes Patrick could have the worst temper and I knew that he was passionate in his beliefs. It took a lot for me to calm him down about being abrasive. It was not until he came to school with a black eye that I was finally able to calm him down. He never said anything and I never asked, I guess because I did not want to know that answer, but I suspected that dear old Dad had given it too him in a fight over me.
Those two years are the reason why I chose Burke College. I almost had went to Tate College since that was where Rick was planning to be going and half my friends, which not surprisingly had shrank quite a bit during those initial days after I came out or I should say became the gossip of the town. In the end though, I realized I could not go there. If there was one thing I had to do was escape town. So I chose to go to Burke College a hundred and forty- eight miles away. It seemed like a good choice and a start of a new life. I may not have known anyone going there but that was really part of the thing that made it an attractive choice.
It is not to say that my life came all crashing down. It did not really. I become mostly a loner with only a small circle of friends and I had given up all sports in High School. Socially I still had not really come out to being gay but while I could not deal with being gay, I also could not lie about it either. I took some small steps though. My grades had leaped up. It was not that I had always been a bad student, but my grades always had consisted of a balance of C's and B's. Last semester I had straight A's and made the deans list for the third consecutive semester. One thing that being on my own had given me was the drive to do well in school. Deep down I knew that this was my one real chance to escape my world that had been dark and I was not going to fuck that up. Besides I did not have any place to go if I did not take advantage of the opportunity that my Grandmother and Rick's family gave me.
I was now about thirty minutes from arriving back at Tate and my thoughts had left me feeling a little guilty. Since I had started going to Burke College twenty-one months ago, I had really made it my world. I did not talk to Patrick as much as I should have. It had improved a little bit since Patrick got a cell phone last year, but with all the studying I was never in my room. For me it seemed like a waste of money to have a cell phone of my own. I had also worked to dissuade him coming to visit me, although he had been up here three times. I just did not want him to get in any more trouble then needed. Then there was a Rick and his family. I did not talked to them as much as I should. When I first got to Burke it was every week, sometimes more, but as time went by the calls slowed down. They were busy and so was I. I had seen Rick a few times up here, but the only time I went back to Tate was the first Christmas. Now though I was about to arrive back.
For that matter I wondered if perhaps I should have called them before I got on the road. Even if I go to the hospital and decide to go right back, I probably should sleep somewhere before I drive another three hours. Plus it would not be right for me to come to Tate and not visit them. In a way they treated me like their son, and even though I did not talk to Rick as often as I should, he still was my best friend. Then I had to put Patrick in the mix. If it was as serious as I suspected he would need me around. Oh well that was something I would deal with when I got there.
As every mile went by my nerves were slowly getting worn. I was now feeling dread and fear of my return. I also was feeling the self-shame my father had managed to get me to buy into. Still though there was no turning back. I had to return home.
It was twenty after six on a Tuesday morning as I entered the city of Tate for the first time in over a year. Little had seemed to change except for a new Best Buy and a Starbucks coffee by the off ramp to the interstate. The sun was just above the horizon and the city was just beginning to come to life. Traffic was not busy but there were definitely people out and about. In a way it felt like I never left and for some reason I felt like I was being watched just coming back into town.
Ten more minutes past before I arrived into the parking lot of Tate Community Hospital. Tate Community Hospital was a large conglomerate of white brick buildings. They had added a new cancer treatment building to the mix it looked like. I guess business had been booming in town. As I stepped out of my car I looked around and tried to take in the whole situation. In a way I just froze. I had gotten here and it sort of just hit me that I was truly about to go up there and see him. A couple of minutes passed but finally I took a deep breath and walked into the hospital.
As I stepped to the door of the waiting room I could see my mother. All at once I felt like turning and walking away and running right to her. She looked truly worn out. Normally she kept her black hair in perfect order, but from the disarray of it, I could tell she had been here all night. Her eyes had a sort of glazed over tired look and her skin definitely looked paler from a long night. She looked ten years older. She was wearing her red dress that she loved so much, which meant last night they had been either out or planning to go out. It was wrinkled though.
I took a deep breath and walked in. "Mom," that was all I got out before she looked at me and sat up. There was a part of me that had hoped that she would be happy to see me, but that was not how it looked. She gave look that was tired but all a disappointed look that only mothers seemed to have mastered. I felt walking into the room that I had done something wrong. I guess though in my family's eyes that never had changed.
"Justin, I see that you are still healthy," she looked me up and down. "I almost did not call you last night. I would not want to disturb your studies but I fear that you Father is not doing well and you had a right to know." She spoke almost business like. Her lack of emotion in her voice made me realized that nothing still had changed.
I decided to take the higher road and at least try to be concerned about Dad. "How is he?"
"Honestly I doubted you really would come. Like I said on the phone it was a massive stroke. We were having dinner at the Steakhouse and then he started to grab his forehead and saying that he was dizzy. Then he collapsed right at the table. He is in Critical Care Room Four if you want at see him," she finished with a scornful voice.
I had to take a deep breath. I was already becoming defensive and beginning to think that this whole trip was a wasted one. "I drove all the way down here didn't I. Besides you are the one that called me. He is still my father."
"You did not treat him like one and I called you because I felt it was right and your brother was adamant about it. If you had been his son you would not have given him the stress to cause this."
"Me??? How the hell did I give him the stress? Remember he is the one that kicked me out. Hell I have not said a damn word to him in FOUR YEARS!" I clinched my fists in an attempt to calm myself.
"You could have just ceased your.... choice," she spitted out the last word in the most disgusted manner.
"I am not going to do this. Not here and not now," I threw my hands up in front of me. "I've come down here and if you want I will get back in my car and start heading back."
Mom had this worn look and just shook her head. "If you want to see him go ahead, I think you can find it."
As I turned around I could see my mother sit down and begin crying. Part of me wanted to turn around and try to be the dutiful son that I was before the incidents of four years ago, but I could not do it. She would not want it and right now it would be tantamount to saying I was wrong in her eyes. No I just planned to go down and check on Dad because I said I would and besides I guess I would not give her the satisfaction of me not doing what I set out to do. Although at that moment I was unsure if I would see anyone else in town before I went back to the safety of Burke.
I walked down the hallway and into the critical care unit. This was not the first time I had been here. Five years ago my grandfather had had a heart attack and had spent some time here. I stepped into his room and it was like it was not real.
All my life my Father had been a strong man. Someone that did not ever show weakness and now he looked on the brink of death. He was extremely pale. He had an oxygen mask on and every few seconds I could hear and oxygen machine inflating a bag to help him breath. Numerous wires covered him and there was a machine that beeped with his vital signs on the screen. He certainly looked like this was the end.
As I stood there a young nurse came in. She preceeded to check his vitals. I asked her what his condition was. She told that the doctor was going to check in a like an hour but that he had been unconscious all night. His vitals had held up but he was basically in a coma and the doctor had not made the decision to try to operate or not. She tried to be comforting, but I am not sure if she needed to be.
I only stood in the room for a few minutes and I stepped out. I felt so full of conflicting emotions. Deep down there was a sadness in me. He was after all still my Father, even if he did not see me as his son. Then there was the whole situation with my Mom. I could not just go back into the waiting room. No that would just lead to another argument, and right now that was the last thing that we needed. I thought about just leaving, but I had to know what the doctor was going to say. So I just began to wonder around the hospital.
I walked around the hospital. Unlike hospitals in major cities there really was no rules against this as long as you did not go where the public was not meant to go or disturb the patience. It was a hospital that did not have visitation hours and in fact encouraged the visitors. After walking a bit I paused and leaned against the wall. I sat there rubbing my eyes and thinking what the hell was I doing here. I should have just got back into my car and went back to Burke. That was when I heard his voice for the first time.
"Hey something wrong with you?" came a voice from the room across from me. I did not realize the door was open when I stopped. Inside the room was a young man. He had to be around my age. He was sitting up in his bed even at this early morning. The young man had bright red hair. His had no tan at all and looked a little pale. He even looked paler with the black right eye and several bruises on his face. His forehead had a bandage on it over his right eye. You would not know though that he looked like hell from the grin on his face. Even with the injuries I had to admit he was cuter then hell.
"Sorry to disturb you," I tried to smile back. "I just...well I was just walking around trying to clear my head. I'll just move on."
"Hey you don't have too," he started to look disappointed. "I have not really been able to sleep much here tonight. I'm not used to being in the hospital but they wanted to keep me here a day or two. Come on in," he waved me to come in.
I could not say no and I had to chuckle a little bit. It was nice to be wanted. I gave in and walked into the room. "Hey my names Justin," I reached over and shook his hand. There was a weird sensation when we shook hands. It made me feel all warm inside and I did not want to let go. I was not about to let him know though that I was gay so I quickly pulled my hand back.
"Hey I'm Eric and don't worry about how I look, trust me that it looks a whole lot worse then it feels, of course the painkiller pill they gave me might be helping that," he laughed. His laughter was contagious; even with all going on I could not help but laugh with him.
"Well I'm glad because that does because it looks like it would hurt like hell. If you don't mind me asking what happened to you?" I did not even know him yet, but already I was feeling concerned for him already. This was a definite rarity because I was always skittish around new people.
"It was an accident I guess. I don't want to talk about it though. I guess it is a little bit embarrassing beside you look like the one that might want to talk. Is someone sick that your are worrying about?"
For a moment but only a moment I thought about telling him everything. It would have felt good to talk to someone, but I was not about to talk to a perfect stranger. Most of the people that I have met in life would freak out once they knew I was gay. So I decided to just tell the bare minimum. "Nah I really do not want to talk about it. There is a family member that is hear but don't know how serious it is. So I guess if you don't mind I'd just rather not talk about it." I looked down at my feet. Strange as it may sound I felt bad that I did not just tell him. God I must have been tired.
"Hey don't worry about it, just know that I am here to listen too you if you need it," I felt the warmed of his hand on my arm. It made me smile. "I have not seen you around Tate High so I imagine you are not from around here or at least have graduated high school?" He thankfully changed the subject without missing a beat.
"Both I guess actually. I graduated Tate High two years ago. I now go to Burke College."
"Well I guess that was before my time. I just moved here last year. My father got a job here, so here I am Tate High for my senior year. Not a bad school, but definitely different. I originally came from Massachusetts."
"Yeah I guess Tate High is not bad," I thought it was better to just agree with him. "I guess as far as a Midwestern towns go Tate is not bad, although I like Burke a lot."
"I can't say that I heard much about Burke, but it is not that big of a school is it? What are you studying there?"
"It is about eight thousand students and a pretty good school for a state school. Right now I am studying to be a journalist but four semesters equal three majors of changes. Right now at least I am going to stick with it." We both laughed at it.
We talked a little more about Burke. To be honest talking to Eric made me forget about everything at least for a bit. I could not remember ever being this engrossed into talking to someone that I just met. I was always used to be very quiet when I first met new people but with Eric I felt like I knew him forever. As strange as it sounded I felt a connection to him. I only wish I could have talked to him longer, but after awhile I realized I needed to get back since the doctor should be arriving soon.
"Hey I hate to just leave, but I have to get back." I felt really bad about it. Eric though was not even fazed.
"That's cool," He grinned and that washed away my feeling bad. " You have family to be with. Come back if you have time, or here," He reached over to the table by his bed and pulled a memo pad out and a pencil and scratched something on it. "This is my cell phone. Hopefully I will be out of here today. So if you are going to stick around, maybe we can hang out."
"Cool, definitely," I grabbed the piece of paper and folded it. "It was cool meeting you." I reached out and shook his hand one more time. Oh how I really did not want to let go then. I had to force myself to let go and get out of the room rather quick, because I began to feel like if I didn't I would not leave anytime soon.
The stroll back down to ICU was almost like a dream. I could not think about my father or about seeing my Mom again. All I could think about was Eric. Never in my life had I ever thought that I would ever be thinking of someone this much and someone I just met at that. For the first time that I could think of, I met some one out of nowhere that I just felt I had a connection with. It was an exciting thought. As I came back to the waiting room though, those thoughts were once again shifted back to in my mind.
I arrived back at the waiting room and my mood came shattering back down. Once again my Mother was still there, but as I came to the door I realized she was talking to my sister. My sister Elaine was four years older then I and when the shit had came down in the family she had been attend college. Growing up we had not been really close and around my freshman year she had found God so to speak. When the family found out I was gay, she firmly was on my Fathers side. She had said from day one that my father should kick me out of the house. I am sure that she was damn happy when I finally got kicked out of the house. I had hoped for a minute that if my sister was there, maybe my brother would be there, but no luck.
From the doorway I could hear how upset that my sister was to hear that I had came down to the hospital. She was going as far as to say that my sinful life and I was the cause of my father's stroke. I knew before I walked into the door that once I walk in there all hell was going to break loose between her and I. It made me almost want to turn around and go back up to Eric's room. That though was not about to change things though. I had no choice but to walk in there and prepare for the worse.
"Well speak of the devil," My sister said rather bitchily. "I did not expect you to be here this morning. You must have decided that you could not miss Dad while he is so ill."
I grimaced and tried to avoid getting into it with her. That was the last thing I wanted to do. "Has the doctor come by yet to say what's up yet?"
I could tell that she was about to say something again, but it was my Mother that replied before she had the chance. "No not yet, I believe he is seeing your father right now." Her voice seemed far away and she did not look at me, but rather beside me.
I stood there for a minute and then too a seat a little bit away from my Mom and Elaine. It was a rather tense silence in the room. I could feel and hear my heart beating from all the tension. There was almost a burning ray coming from the glare my sister was giving me. To be honest I had forgotten how much she was upset with me, hell that was putting it mildly. I think it might even safe to say that she hated me. I wished that Patrick were here, come to think of it, why wasn't he.
"Where's Patrick," I broke the silence and making a point of looking to my Mom and not Elaine.
"Patrick?" My Mom sounded like I just woke her up. She had been obviously lost in her own thoughts. "Oh Patrick, well he has school today, and I thought it was best that he go there. He needs to worry about his classes."
The silence once again overwhelmed me. There was a part of me that hated the silence and wanted to talk. I wanted to ask Mom how Patrick had been and how his classes were going. I also sort of wanted to know more about what happened last night. It was better and smarter to keep my mouth shut. I knew whatever I said would just lead to an argument with my sister. There was a part of me that wanted to yell at her and take her on in a fight, but I knew it would hurt my Mom and also I still did not really want to hurt Elaine either. Yeah I did sort of want her to know what she put me through, but yelling would not do anything about that. No she was in her own little world, or I guess in terms of the family, I was in my own little world. It felt lonely.
After a few more tense minutes the doctor came in. "Mrs. Caldwell, I am Dr Smyth, we met last night." He was a balding middle age doctor. He had a sort of distinguished look.
"Yes I remember," my mother stood up. "This is my daughter Elaine...and my son Justin," she added me as an afterthought.
"It is good to meet you both," he shook both our hands. "I am not a doctor that minces words. You husband Frank has suffered a massive stroke. He seems to have stablized but he is now in a coma. While he seems to have survived the attack, but to be honest I do not believe that he will ever recover. What we need to think about now is quality of life."
"What do you mean," my Mother asked confused. "You said he has stabilized."
"Quality of life," Elaine inquired.
"Have a seat Mrs. Caldwell," Dr. Smyth pulled a chair closer to her. "His body signs have stabilized, but the brain suffered a great deal of damage. He is alive right now because of the machines we have on him. His brain functions are unable to let his body continue working. I know this is a hard decision for any family, but.."
"But what Doctor," my Sister snarled. "If you are asking us to kill our Father then the answer is no. It is not our place to decide when he should die. He still may recover."
The Doctor took a deep breath and seemed to take a moment to try to get his words right. "I understand what you are going through, but what is happening now is that in a way we our deciding it. If the machines were turned off he would pass away. His brain will not recover."
"I have faith that God will come through," My sisters anger was beginning to grow. My Mom did not seem like she knew what to do.
"Mom perhaps we should consider it," I spoke up meekly. That was a mistake though.
"That would make you so happy wouldn't it! The pain you caused was the reason he had a stroke and now you just want to finish him don't you."
The Doctor seemed like he wanted to retreat out of the room from my Sisters attack on me. He seemed hesitant though to leave. I on the other hand was not. I got the hell up and stormed out. I was so mad and so hurt all at once. I did well though. I got all the way out to the car before I lost it. I just sat behind the steering wheel and cried. The anger part quickly left and I was really feeling guilty for it. Elaine maybe was right. I might be the reason for my Dad's stroke. I felt like a shitty person and for the first time in over a year I felt like that was a horrible person for being gay. In my condition there was no way I could drive back to Burke. I wiped my eyes and at least slowed down my crying. I drove to the only place I could think to go, that was Ricks house.