To My readers: This is the 3rd and final chapter of this phase of letters and journal articles regarding my separation from Ted. Please feel free to email any comments you would care to make to me about this story. There will be more additions taken from my journals at later dates. Thanks B.E. J.
REMEMBRANCES OF FISH TRAP LAKE
BY Dr. Ben Ezra Jacobson, PhD. Literature
Chapter Three
November 22, 1967 Journal Entry 1262
I have felt terrible for weeks. I called several of the families at Fish Trap Lake and attempted to inquire what has happened to Ted. They all say the same thing...that he walked into the Ranger's station one morning...turned in his badge and gave a resignation letter and left. The cabin that he rented has been rented to someone else. When I asked if they knew of an address for his mother...no one seemed to remember having ever met her or having known of her residence. I am baffled. What did I say or do to provoke him to cut ties with me so completely. I am heart sick. Even my family is wondering what has happened to me.
Dad came into my room and almost caught me with the pictures of Ted. Fortunately they were the ones when he had his clothing on...but still it would look awkward. I would like to tell them how I feel about Ted and how I feel about my own likes and dislikes...but they would never in a million years understand how two men could care for each other the way I care about him.
I have started hiding my journal so they will not discover it and be tempted to read it. Sure...it is foolish to put my feelings on the paper...but since I can not say them to Ted...I have to tell someone.
December 3, 1967 Journal Entry 1273
There are about 18 days left in this semester at school and then Christmas break. I do not feel much like celebrating. One of the professors asked me to come by her office after class...and wanted to know what was wrong with me. She said my grades were good but my countenance was terrible and that I looked like I was very unhappy. She is a nice lady and I ended up telling her my whole story. She smiled and took my hand and told me not to loose faith. She told me that when her husband was over seas during World War 2...there was almost a year that she was out of communication with him.
"Have faith dear...if he cares for you...he will turn up sooner or later," she advised me.
I felt better for having talked to her. This was the first time I ever discussed such private feelings with someone outside my family...or a close friend, like the guys I grew up with.
When I got home...Mom and Dad were talking about something in the kitchen and changed the subject when I arrived. Probably worried about my attitude the last month.
December 18th, 1967 Journal Entry 1288
I wish I could say good morning world...but I do not feel very cheerful. Still no word about what has happened to Ted. This will be the last day of the semester. All text books have to be turned in by noon...and all university building will close for the Christmas holiday by 1:00 PM.
Mom and Dad were buzzing in the kitchen this morning when I came in for breakfast. As soon as I entered the room...they went their own way. Mom said Aunt Betty was coming for Christmas and that she would be staying in the room next to mine. Criminee...Aunt Betty snores like a buzz saw...why the hell did they have to put her in the room next to me. That sinks the Christmas holiday for sure. The original builder put a door way between the two rooms so the owner and his wife could have separate rooms but access to each other if they wanted to communicate. Damn silly idea in my mind. I am going to lock the door on my side in case she sleep walks.
P.M.
Well that rips it. I got a speeding ticket on the way home. The officer, all bundled up in scarf and hat...barely spoke to me. Just croaked... "License please," and wrote me out a ticket and handed it back to me without saying a word, and walked back to his squad car and drove off. I felt like that was the final slap in the face. There is nothing now that will perk me up for the holidays. I have hit bottom.
...
I put my car in the garage and walked into the house. The kitchen smelled like all kinds of good things to eat. My appetite had been reduced to nearly zero these last few weeks...but the thought of eating something might just help me out of this depression that has so easily beset me.
"Hi Dear," said Mom. " Do me a big favor while I set the table...take that stack of magazines up to Aunt Betty's room and put them on the bed side table. I will have supper ready when you get back."
"Yeah, I guess I can do that. But if Aunt Betty is coming the day after tomorrow..why are you setting the table for five...instead of the four of us," I asked.
Mom blushed, "Oh Silly me...what was I thinking..." and she removed the plate and glass while I was standing there.
Begrudgingly, I climbed the stairs with a stack of gardening and house magazines and went to the room next to mine that Aunt Betty would be using. As I entered the room and flipped on the light switch...there were clothes laying out on the bed...but this was clearly not women's clothing...unless Aunt Betty was bringing a boy friend with her...and at her age...that was not likely.
From behind the door came a familiar voice, "Hey there stud..how are you doing?"
I whirled around to find Ted standing there all grins and smiles. With his foot, he pushed the door shut with a bang and said,
"Come here and give me a hug."
I grabbed him like he might vanish before me..and held him tight.
"What...how...when did you get here and how did you do this?" I stammered.
"Your parents found me. I am working down here now...for the university. Did you happen to get a speeding ticket today?" he asked.
"What...how the hell did you know that," I asked him?
"Did you get a speeding ticket today, he asked me again?
"Yes...but how did you know that," I replied.
"You didn't look at it...or read it did you," he answered back at me. "It's there in your pocket, read it."
I removed the ticket and unfolded it. There was no citation issued and no fine...it only stated... "I am spending the holidays at your house...Ted."
"Your parents found me...I am working in security at the university. After quitting my job at Fish Trap...I drove to the university and applied. My credentials were all in order and I got a great reference from the Park Ranger...they hired me on the spot. That was a week ago...and it was all I could do to keep from contacting you. But I wanted it to be special...so when your dad came to see me...he told me he knew about your feelings for me. It seems little buddy that you talk in your sleep. Anyway, he said he and your mom were cool with it...and they cared first and foremost that you were safe and happy. They invited me to spend the Christmas holidays with you. So here I am."
"So you outed me to my parents," I replied?
"No...you outed yourself...but Ben...they have known for a long time...and didn't want to upset you. They are ok with it...they love you...and I love you. When I first met them...they asked me about our friendship. When I was reluctant to talk about it...they told me that they had known for a long time...and that they were ok with it...as long as you were happy...that's when they invited me to spend the holidays. Be glad for yourself...be glad for both of us."
I can not explain how relieved I felt. When we went back downstairs...my parents hugged me and then they hugged Ted and made him feel very welcome. When my dad told me that I would probably want to leave the door open between our rooms...it was ok with them. Later he told me...that if Ted wanted to stay in my room...it was ok too.
We had a great Christmas holiday. Ted slept in my bed with me every night. He has acquired an apartment off campus near the university security office. When he asked me to share it with him...I agreed to do so. My parents never quibbled with me over the decision to do that.
I do not know where our relationship will go in the future..but for now...I am content to just spend as much time with him as I can.
Who knows...maybe in a few years...there will be more to tell about our adventures together...but for the time right now...I am so very happy with this wonderful Christmas gift.
Ben Ezra Jacobson